Food Lovers Reveal The Deadliest Edible Weapons They'd Pick For An All Out Food Fight

Food Lovers Reveal The Deadliest Edible Weapons They'd Pick For An All Out Food Fight

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We've all been dying to start one, as per every elementary school movie from the 90s. And once we do, it's war. In war, one has to strategize. What's the best approach to beating the enemy?

Redditor lylekay asked:

What would be your weapon of choice in a food fight to the death?

Here are people's evil choices.

Durian Durian

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On average 8 people a year are killed by falling durians, or something along that line. Durian is the one true battle fruit.

EVOO

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A bottle of olive oil. When the enemy charges at me with their projectile apples I'll make the arena slippery. When they slip and fall I'll break the bottle over their head and stab them with the remaining shards.

Napalm Sugar

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To the death?

A pot of melted sugar. As a professional chef, I've seen that sh*t do some serious damage.

Octopunishment

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My dad told me that grandma used to have this long dried octopus tentacle that she used to whack my dad and my uncle on the buttocks when they were up to no good. Apparently it's from an old octopus that got too big and too tough to eat so it became a weapon of mass punishment.

Deliciously Deadly

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A leg of prosciutto. That hardened piece of meat and bone would be the perfect bludgeoning weapon

Revenge

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A crate of chocolate milks.

It was 10th grade, and I was in the first food fight of my life. I was a square and didn't wanna get in trouble, so my friend and I began making our way across the cafeteria towards the exit. Suddenly I look up, and in slow motion, something is arching through the air, right towards me. It's a little carton if chocolate milk. And it's open.

My friend says he still recalls vividly the look of surprise and disgust on my face as that milk carton struck me, and milk splashed all over my head and the hood of my favorite sweatshirt. He maintains it was one of the funniest things he'd ever seen.

So in honor of that memory, it seems only fitting that I take up the mantle of chocolate milk caster the next time I fight with food.

AKA Baguette

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I'd tie a pineapple to a French loaf of bread with spaghetti as a makeshift mace.

Sharp Cereal

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Captain Crunch. Prepare to be eviscerated.

Someone Call Steinbeck

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The grapes of wrath.

Bugs Bunny Warfare

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A carrot as a "stabbing weapon". A watermelon for the size

Just Cruel

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Supersoaker filled with ghost pepper water

More Napalm

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Molten cheese should be effective as napalm.

Chemical Warfare

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Peanuts because my chances of the other person being allergic to them is pretty decent.

Back To Baguettes

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Doritos stuck in a baguette to make a makeshift spiked bat.

Cocktail

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Vodka bottle turned into Molotov.

Thanks-Taking

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Endless Buckets upon buckets of boiling gravy, everyone will need to get high ground or face the boiling gravy, gravy can turn most bread weapons into mush, and to top it all off I will have dinner with a show.

Combined Forces

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A christingle - it's got everything. The orange could do some damage if you throw it hard enough. There are toothpicks which could cause some bleeding. And, to top it all off, the lit candle could be used to burn someone.

Tradition

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Christmas fruitcake. Especially if it were still shrink-wrapped. They're dense and compact. Easy to throw hard and heavy enough to do some damage.

A New Crusade

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I would own a zucchini sword and using it, I will create a whole army of children who do as I command out of fear of being hit with my zucchini (sounds bad). These children will annihilate all others in their paths because I have so many in my army and they can easily be replaced because there is never a shortage of children afraid of zucchini. Every couple hundred children I will have one being force fed gross amounts of spinach until they are 6x bigger and stronger than the rest and these children would do all the heavy hitting and smashing down of castle walls. Oh and my name will be The Zucc(hini).

Sauce Boss

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Do Sauces count in a foodfight? Especially if they are made from fruits? I would get a spoon and flick one of those super hot hot-sauces at people. Some people wouldn't mind of course but there are some absurdly hot sauces out there that most people would basically be screaming in pain especially if they got it in their mouth/eyes. I'm talking about 2 million Scoville unit sauces.

I had to stop watching talent shows years ago because while I got to see some really enjoyable acts—especially singers, of which there are a seemingly endless number—I grew sick and tired of how scripted everything felt.

For one thing, I hate overt sentimentalty because it can ring very false, and that's how I've felt whenever I've had to sit through any sob stories. Everyone has a sob story.

The music swells and immediately we'll hear about someone's cancer diagnosis or the fact they lost their house due to foreclosure or that their father died and that afterward they found bodies in his shed and learned he was a notorious serial killer...

Okay, that last one might have been made up. But my point stands.

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