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If there's one thing we learned from sourcing this article it's that men (not all men, but certainly these men) are dumb. Disastrously, dangerously, adorably dumb.




We all make mistakes in relationships. We all embarrass ourselves. Usually, it's something like an accidental fart - but every now and then it's something a bit more dramatic... like accidentally lighting your partner on fire.

Reddit user TheTinRam asked:

Married men of reddit: what was that dumb thing you did during your dating phase that you can't believe your wife ended up overlooking?

To the women in these stories, you are wonderfully forgiving creatures who seriously deserve awards or trophies; maybe a special vacation somewhere. We've made fools of ourselves before, but nothing quite like this.

Walking Distance

I insisted that everything in San Francisco was walking distance from everything else, and decided we should walk from Pier 39 to Golden Gate Park. It IS walkable, but not third-date walkable, or whatever-shoes-she-happened-to-be-wearing-that-day walkable.

- CaughtAllTheBreaks


As someone unfamiliar with San Francisco. I googled it. 6.5 miles apart, a two hour walk according to Google, and by the looks of it, a ton of hills. Google is giving me a warning I've never seen before that walking directions may not reflect real-world conditions, and it looks like the elevation changes back and forth a couple hundred feet more than once.

- Just_OneReason

Flammable

Giphy

I accidentally set her hair on fire with a match while lighting a cigarette. Not good. We are still married 29 years later. I don't smoke anymore.

- stumpytoes

"Stolen"

We drank a lot on our second date, Ubered home. Next day went back to get his car, and it wasn't there. He was so devastated. He just bought it recently and it was stolen. We filed a police report. Took forever and just generally sucked. We walked to his friend's house nearby, and there was his car, perfectly un-stolen. He drank so much he forgot he moved it before our date. Now, once in a while when we're trying to find our car in the grocery store parking lot or wherever, one of us will say "It's stolen. Call the police."

- loveofmoz

Pink Burger

I made myself a burger for dinner before heading over to her place to hang out. Unfortunately I'm not the best cook and left a little too much pink in that burger. While we were at her house I bet her I could fit through the doggy door and crawled right through. Then she immediately closed it behind me and we raced to the front door, she won and she locked it.

Now at this exact moment my bowels decided they had enough of that burger from earlier and I felt my stomach cramp. Luckily I held it all in and ran back to the back door with my cheeks clenched and starting knocking desperately in the door. She was laughing at first but when she saw my face go suddenly serious and I said very calmly "I need you to open the door.... Now please."

She unlocked the door and asked if I was okay, I told her to stay downstairs and turn the TV up loud. She agreed but was very confused. So I ran upstairs and then had one of the most violent poos of my whole life. I thought the worst was behind me until I went to wipe.... And of course no toilet paper. So she took my instructions really well and when I yelled to her, texted her, and called her I got no answer.

After probably like 10 missed calls she finally answered and I asked her to bring me some toilet paper and leave outside the door and try not to breathe on the way upstairs. She was great about it and immediately started making fun of me when I came back downstairs. Now quite a few years later a couple kids and cat, she's still making fun of me.

- Gnartian

Tackled! 

I once spear-tackled my then-girlfriend out of misplaced enthusiasm in high school. I was excited to see her and handled it as badly as was possible. It was in front of a bunch of our friends and I ended up knocking the wind out of her and making her cry. That was about 17 years ago, and we're still together.

- literalfeces

Already Rinsed

We were taking a shower together and she was soaping up while I was under the hot water rinsing off. She slipped and instead of grabbing/helping her I pulled away, thinking (for some reason) that I'd already rinsed off and didn't want to get soapy.

Thank God she caught herself on the shower curtain and didn't get hurt. She was, uh, not happy. My explanation of my faulty thinking didn't help at all, either. We laugh about it now but it took some serious smoothing over at the time.

- Birdamus

Oh yea, it's not like you are in the shower and can't just rinse again.

- Stoleee

A Sh*tty Studying Session

We had come back from class, her dorm was right next to the school so we walked over. Started as studying and then turned into kissing.

Once we were horizontal, I felt a shift in my guts. I was on top. I took a chance; most of my gas that day had been dry and silent so it felt safe. As soon as I let it go, I knew I was in trouble.

As I stood up and she repulsively sniffed the air. She asked if I let one rip. I simply said "I sh!t myself" and needed a ride home. We went to the movies as planned afterwards.

Pretty sure that's when I fell in love.

- psychnurseguy

Too Weird

Giphy

Played Weird Al CDs non-stop for a 6-hour car trip to the beach.

She didn't ditch me but haven't been allowed to play Weird Al in her presence for the past 24 years. Got tickets to see him this year on our anniversary and knew better than to ask her to join me so I took a couple of my kids that appreciate the finer things in life. Best anniversary gift ever. Great show.

- homepup

Tool Tattoos

On my first date with my wife, we got to talking about tattoos. I have a rule that if I have an idea for a tattoo, I sit on it for a while to see if I really would still want it. I mentioned this to her and explain how glad I am that I do this because otherwise I'd be covered in Tool (the band) tattoos or some "other dumb sh!t".

She rolled up her sleeve to show me that she had the lyrics to one of their songs tattooed across her arm. The lyrics are "All this pain is an illusion" from Parabola.

For the record, I don't really hate Tool. I just used to be super into them in high school and have since grown out of them. I still put them on once in a while.

My oldest brother unironically has a Creed tattoo on his leg. There's always somebody out there who has it worse than you.

- thevagrant88

Who? 

I forgot her name once when introducing her to a friend. This was maybe a month into our relationship. I was all like, "hey and by the way this is.... uhhh.... my girlfriend."

- RMBK

Image by Clker-Free-Vector-Images from Pixabay

Have you ever been reading a book, watching a movie, or even sitting down for a fantastical cartoon and began to salivate when the characters dig into some doozy of a made up food?

You're not alone.

Food is apparently fertile ground for creativity. Authors, movie directors, and animators all can't help but put a little extra time and effort into the process of making characters' tasty delights mouthwatering even for audiences on the other side of the screen.

Read on for a perfect mixture of nostalgia and hunger.

AllWhammyNoMorals asked, "What's a fictional food you've always wanted to try?"

Some people were all about the magical foods eaten in the magical places. They couldn't help but wish they could bite into something with fantastical properties and unearthly deliciousness.

Nutritious

"Enchanted golden apple" -- DabbingIsSo2015

"The Minecraft eating sounds make me hungry" -- FishingHobo

"Gotta love that health regeneration" -- r2celjazz

"Pretty sure those are based off the golden apples that grant immortality. Norse mythology I think?" -- Raven_of_Blades

Take Your Pick

"Nearly any food from Charlie and the Chocolate factory" -- CrimsonFox100

"Came here to say snozzberries!" -- Utah_Writer

"Everlasting Gobstoppers #1, but also when they're free to roam near the chocolate river and the entire environment is edible." -- devo9er

Peak Efficiency

"Lembas" -- Roxwords

"The one that fills you with just a bite? My fat a** would be making sandwiches with two lembas breads and putting bacon, avocado and cheese inside. Then probably go for some dessert afterwards. No wonder why those elves are all skinny, eating just one measly bite of this stuff." -- sushister

Some people got stuck on the foods they saw in the cartoons they watched growing up. The vibrant colors, the artistic sounds, and the exaggerated movements all come together to form some good-looking fake grub.

The One and Only

"Krabby patty 🍔" -- Cat_xox

"And a kelp shake" -- titsclitsntennerbits

"As a kid I always pretended burgers from McDonalds were Krabby Patties, heck from time to time I still do for the nostalgia of it all. Many of my friends did the same thing." -- Thisissuchadragtodo

Cheeeeeeeeese

"The pizza from an extremely goofy movie. The stringy cheese just looked magical lol" -- ES_Verified

"The pizza in the old TMNT cartoon as well." -- gate_of_steiner85

"Only bested by the pizza from All Dogs Go to Heaven." -- Purdaddy

Get a Big Old Chunk

"Those giant turkey drumsticks in old cartoons that characters would tear huge chunks out of. Those things looked amazing, turkey drumsticks in real life suck and are annoying to eat."

-- Ozwaldo

Slurp, Slurp, Slurp

"Every bowl of ramen on any anime, ever." -- Cat_xox

"Studio Ghibli eggs and bacon" -- DrManhattan_DDM

"Honestly, any food in anime. I swear to god half the budget no matter what the studio goes into making the food look absolutely delicious." -- Viridun

Finally, some highlighted the things that aren't quite so far-fetched, but still far enough away that it's nothing we'll be eating anytime soon.

That tease can be enough to make your mouth water.

What's In It??

"Butter beer" -- Damn_Dog_Inappropes

"came here to say this. i was pretty disappointed with the universal studio version which was over the top sweet. it was more of a butterscotch root beer. i imagine butter beer to be something more like butter and beer, which wouldn't be crazy sweet, but would have a very deep rich flavor" -- crazyskiingsloth

Slice of the Future

"The microwave pizzas in back to the future two" -- biggiemick91

"I've been fascinated with those for years! They just look so good!" -- skoros

As Sweet As They Had

"The Turkish Delight from Lion Witch & Wardrobe. The real ones I had weren't bad but nothing special." -- spoon_shaped_spoon

"Came here to say this. I know it's a real thing, but I always imagined that it must have been amazing to betray your siblings over." -- la_yes

"You're used to freely available too sweet sweets. For a WW2 era schoolkid, it would have represented all the sweets for an entire year." -- ResponsibleLimeade



Here's hoping you made it through the list without going into kitchen for some snack you didn't actually need.

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