Marriage is a complicated situation, it's been shrouded in fantasy and fairytales since the beginning of time. We've been indoctrinated to believe that it is essential for living a happy life. We're all -straight, gay and all in between- suppose to find that missing half of us to be complete. Marriage, kids, house = HAPPINESS. What a load.
Redditor u/m1ke156 wanted divorcees to discuss hindsight by asking.... Divorced members of Reddit, what is one thing you wish you asked your spouse prior to marriage?
Who do you swing for?
GiphyAre you gay? Would've saved me 7years and a bunch of heart ache. Terriberri877
Not op. We were both "taken by surprised" in some way but yes, given the benefit of hindsight there were signs. She didn't like to be touched in a romantic way and the dead bedroom. This would have been a very good indicator for anyone else but she had other issues from childhood that were also a very good explanation for not wanting that sort of thing.
At the time you are both in a straight relationship so "is it because she's/I'm gay?" is not really a thing either of us thought us.
In the end the "gay feelings" were there but not the only reason for splitting. They are however the only reason for not getting back together. We get along fine now. Kazamz
The truth is lying in wait....
Honestly I don't think it would have mattered what I asked, she still would have lied about it. AngloKiwi
This. So much this. Some people don't understand the idea of relationships working from both sides. It takes honesty on both to work and sometimes you don't realize you're being lied to until it's too late. VirtuousVice
Too Many Kids...
Are you looking for a wife, or a mother? Let me tell you, feeling more like a caretaker than a partner is demoralizing. In a much better place now. TheEggplantRunner
Yes!! I totally get this. I wasn't married to my ex but i felt like his mother 80% of the time. Always picking up after him, feeding him, clothing him. People even made comments about it! Was such an eye opener being with someone who acts like an adult. Unicorns_are_real05
You thought this through?
Why do you really want to get married? Are you sure you love me enough to want to spend the rest of your life with only me? PhantomAngel042
Who are you?
GiphyAre you a compulsive liar, narcissist and likely to sleep with anyone that shows the slightest bit interest with no care for how that effects your husband and children? Wouldn't have done any good, she'd have just lied anyway. Only_100kcal
Can you stand still?
Would you ever walk on me and our two kids after 13 years together to run off with a guy literally twice your age to that you meet on the internet, with out saying a word to me or anyone else, on our anniversary?
Yeah, explaining to a 7 and 12 year that I don't know where their mother went, or if they will ever see them again, while trying to assure them them it is not their fault was a something i never want to deal with again.
And doing this while packing up the house cause we can no longer afford to there...... evilcj925
Good Enough?
Not really ask my spouse, but ask myself... Am I settling? "this will be fine" is not enough. cysgr8
I think thats why people are less able to be happy. Always looking for better and never being able to enjoy what is around them. Nasirammes
Sex isn't just Sex!
You're aiming to keep enjoying plenty of sex with me for the duration, right?
I don't think it was anything so deliberate on her side - just that something we both used to love mostly stopped mattering to her after the kids came along, whereas for me it never stopped being a cornerstone of what I thought intimacy should be (and such a waste of your life not to make the most of). She claimed she still loved me, but there's only a certain number of times you can hear that in a row as you lie there hurt, frustrated and despairing night after night after night...
Stayed together for the sake of the kids for a few years but then I finally left. Happy ending though - she lives five minutes up the road, we share custody, we're pretty good friends again now, and my lovely new girlfriend is utterly straightforward about - and keen on - having as much sex as she can (with me, that is!). I couldn't believe how simple that approach was when we first started seeing each other, and it's stayed that way ever since. UrsulaSpelunking
Want to discuss anything?
What are your true motivations for marrying me or, do you have any reservations/concerns. Considering she had to put on reddit that apparently she did, then ended up having motivations long term. throwaway_wubbles
A Change is Gonna Come...
Giphy"What do you expect to change once we are married?"
For me, the answer was not much. We already lived together and had a kid together. For her... Lots of things that she apparently thought were obvious but did not communicate. A brief example: a month before we got married I was driving two hours out of town for a company meeting and met with an old college friend (female, no romantic history) for lunch. No objections from the fiancè. A few months after we got married, same situation with the same girl and it was suddenly 'unthinkable' that I would do that. I asked why it was fine last time but not now and my ex wife said "because you're a married man."
I don't think it would have changed anything but it might have saved us both some heartache along the way. BarzTheOrange
Love YOU first!
Honestly, all the information I needed was available to me. I knew she was a narcissist. I knew she was emotionally abusive. I just didn't think I deserved better than that.
Depression sucks. Just because you think "I can live with this" doesn't mean you should. tenehemia
Oh Brother....
"Are you going to be faithful to me? You're not going to sleep with my brother are you?" ... Turns out, she wouldn't be faithful and she would do that. TheRegularPikachu
Your brother is also a piece of crap. Coug-Ra
Shut the Door!
GiphyI can't think of any questions I wish I had asked but there were major red flags I wish I had paid attention to. For instance, normal people don't blatantly violate your boundaries and then try to blame you for it when confronted.
Ex wife, when we were dating, went through some personal items in my bedroom without asking. I confronted her about it and she proceeded to blame me because "the door was open," as if an open door was a license to invade my privacy. You know who reasons like that? Four year olds. I learned shortly after I stupidly married her that I was married to someone with all the maturity and ethical standards of a little badly behaved kid.
I was too naive to notice the giant gleaming red billboards along the way and I didn't love myself at the time. I think part of me didn't believe I could do better. Trust me, It's far better to be single than to be married to a terrible person. dontknowbilliejean
Run and don't look back!
Prior to marriage questions: Are you going to ask me for a divorce if, when I finish college, I make more money than you? If, I do not get pregnant? Post divorce question (six years later): Now that I have a child from another man, will you go to the doctor to have yourself checked and confirmed that it was you all along that could not have children, I mean after you made me cry multiple times because I did not get pregnant at all?
Edit: Thank you for your good wishes. Yes, I am happy now. My child brings me joy. Bless you all.
A Family Affair....
Are you ever going to stand up to your family to defend me?
I am newly divorced. This huge red flag plagued me from the beginning. His entire family was abusive towards me in ways that sometimes are still too painful to even describe. Why I let them, why I stayed for so long are questions I will never have the answers to. After we signed papers in November, it was revealed he just had a baby with a woman who he has been cheating on me with for possibly at least 3 years. So I am reeling from that as well. Although we have an amazing teenage daughter who is my pride and joy, I regret the last 16 years of my life. sugarcookieprincess
Can't even give a face to face?
Seven years.
If you are not with someone that is committed to making the relationship work, they will LOOK for the bad things about you and turn it into a reason to get a divorce. There ARE legitimate reasons for divorce, but too many people think of it as an escape from their resolvable issues.
I overlooked how involved her mother was because they were both so warm and accepting of me. My ex had a temper and would strike me occasionally when things didn't go her way. Never enough to hurt, I'm a big guy. But since touch is my way of feeling loved by my spouse, even small punches like hers were very damaging emotionally. I asked her to not share what had happened with her mom, but she ran to her anyway. Her mother told her that it wasn't a big deal and that I was making something of nothing. Any time she did something wrong, her guilt was hushed by her mom. She left with our daughter and divorced me through a text message, then told me she was going to think about it before she filed. Two months of excruciating uncertainty later, she had her dad meet me in their driveway to tell me she was filing. MeerkatOutlaw
Who are you really?
Two things:
- Do you secretly feel like a man trapped in a woman's body and wish to pursue becoming a man five years into marriage?
- Are you gay?
Both would have been pretty handy to know. I did ask by way of our previous partner's summary before marriage, but the list of women on their side of the equation weren't filled in until they acknowledged being trans and gay (or trans and not gay?). lightknight7777
This ain't the gravy train!
"Do your parents have a retirement plan?" My future plans did not include taking care of his parents due to their lack of future planning. erniezzz
It's Family service....
I would have asked her if she was okay being married to the military. She needed to be okay with all the time away from home. The long hours, the late nights, being posted with other women at work, having friends of all races and gender, etc.
Basically, my wife thought she was okay with being married and getting that sweet tri-care insurance, but she wasn't okay with any other aspect of it. So her cheating on me and divorcing me after we had a baby was actually both the worst and best thing to ever happen to me. It hurt like hell for a whole year, and then I met my current girlfriend. We've been together 5 years this February, and I'm going to put a ring on it soon. Judoka229
Be a REAL dad!
GiphyDo you know that childcare works both ways? Like, you're a father, you need to be involved. You can't just come home from work and berate me for not having a meal on the table. lastorderstime
As a father and husband, this kind of crap irritates me. Men aren't supposed to be served in a relationship, it's a mutual thing. One day, I cook, the next day, you cook if you want. Take turns. I don't mind cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, dishes, diaper changing, taking the kids out so mom gets a break or grocery shopping with them so you get a minute alone.
I'm making memories with my kids and teaching them about respect for others in doing so. xavier_grayson
When we're young and naive, we tend to be optimistic as we have our whole lives ahead of us and we have to time to figure out who we are and who we want to be.
But when we're all grown up and out in the big world on our own, nothing can prepare us for the harsh realities of adulting until we experience them.
And unfortunately, life isn't always sunshine and roses the way we imagined it to be when we were much more innocent.
Curious to hear about life's many wake up calls Redditor Just_Surround_2108 asked:
"What is the adult version of finding out that Santa Claus doesn't exist?"
Life's deceptions begin slowly revealing themselves.
Caveat Emptor
"When you buy an 8-piece tupperware set, 4 of the pieces are lids."
– throwmeawaypoopy
"Same with pots and pans. What a rip off!"
– MrsMalvora
"And when you put them in the cabinet, suddenly SIX of the pieces are lids 😂"
– opheliainwaders
Value Of Friendships
"That some friends were never really your friend."
– Kangaroowrangler_02
"Also that friendships can end just like any relationship."
– ScienceUnicorn
"The best friend I'll ever have said some nasty things to me and blocked me recently. Never going to get much closure on that front."
"Not having closure is, with both friends and lovers, worse than the loss itself. I want to grow. Tell me what I need to become so this doesn't happen to me again!"
– VoxClarus
"On a related note: your co-workers are not your friends."
– tomdelfino
"I think most people seem to treat this as the default stance, but I’ve learnt you can actually make deep connections amongst coworkers, the same way you do in other stages of your life."
– immorjoe
The role of parent and child unexpectedly switches. So now what?
Who's Parenting Who
"That time period when your relationship switches and your parent looks to you for answers and advice, instead them being the one with all the answers."
– Smile_Terrible
"Not sure about that one. Dad simultaneously says I’m the smartest person he knows and I don’t know how to do anything lol."
– Puzzleheaded-Job6147
About Grieving
"When both your parents die. I am in my mid 50’s and had my mom pass on Mother’s Day ‘22. My Dad then was living with us from then, and eventually reached in-home hospice status with a sudden stage IV cancer diagnosis. He died in January of this year, and then I got laid off from my tech job and was unemployed for 10 months. Nothing takes the wonderment and positive outlook from the world than having to empty out your childhood home solo and throw everything you grew up with into a big dumpster and are left to wonder what our lives really mean."
– i_spock
Leaving Behind The House You Grew Up In
"I’m in the process of dismantling my childhood home right now. I’ve compared it to dismembering the dead body of a loved one. It’s really rough."
– HaloTightens
"my mum sold my childhood home a decade ago. i won't have to go through that."
– deathschemist
We all want to grow up when we're young. But as soon as reach reach 30, we want to slam on the breaks.
Aimlessness
"I thought I'd grow up, move out, find my footing in the grown up world and basically switch into cruise mode. Now I'm in my 40s and sh*t is confusing as f'k."
– Borsti17
"As adults, nobody knows what they're doing, we're just pretending we do."
– BeautifulMidnight-
Misconception Behind Work Integrity
"Being a hard worker and good at your job doesn't necessarily mean that you'll be rewarded for it."
– DorianOrosco
And the laziest person at work is allowed to be lazy, but the hardest worker isn’t allowed a break."
– Puzzleheaded-Job6147
We Are Our Parents
"Finding out that your parents are people, too, with weaknesses or flaws that you were blind to when you were young."
– tamammothchuk
"And the day you suddenly notice how old they are. When their mortality finally hits you."
– daggerxdarling
Living On Borrowed Time
"Yep had that day earlier this month. Was visiting for dad's 75th birthday."
"As I was leaving, out in the sunshine and fixing to get in the truck, I suddenly saw how small and frail-looking they are now. Mom hit me the hardest. She's started to shrink. They are both healthy, but Dad's just . . . worn."
"Been also doing the math lately. The math where you count up how many times you see them a year and then multiply that by how many years they have left according to the average."
"I've had enough crap and surprise losses in my life that I've long since started parting with family and friends like it might be the last time I get to see them. But that times left to see them calculation really clobbers me with my folks, and it's not even that bad yet for me. Given the ages of my grandparents when they passed I've probably still got somewhere between 150-200 visits."
"But the meter is running."
– Boudyro
I'm at the point where I'm realizing there are no handbooks on life and taking care of our parents.
When you're so used to having them there and taking care of you your whole life, nothing can prepare you for the time when that role reversal happens.
As tough as that may be, however, there's nothing more beautiful in life than returning the favor for the people who loved you unconditionally and raised you.
It's not attractive to gloat.
And there is little more obnoxious than flaunting how wealthy you are.
Particularly if you aren't even that wealthy to begin with.
Indeed, perhaps to make themselves feel more powerful and important than they actually are, many people will try and show off how much money they have in what they wear, eat, live in, and drive.
However, not everyone is so easily fooled, as those in the know can detect a charlatan when they see one.
Redditor aloe_veracity16 was eager to hear the dead giveaways that someone might not be as wealthy as they appear, leading them to ask:
"What’s a dead giveaway that someone is not actually as wealthy as they claim?"
Stating The Obvious...
"When they constantly talk about how wealthy they are."
"A genius doesn't need to tell you they are smart."
"An athlete doesn't need to tell you they are fit."
"And a rich person shouldn't need to tell you they are wealthy."- TigLyon
Attracting Unwanted Attention...
"90% of the wealthy shut the f**k about it, because they learn once they start making good money everyone wants a piece."
"Talking about it constantly = broke AF."- Vladtehwood
Simply By Doing It...
"Making the claim at all is a dead giveaway."- Starfox41
In Plain Sight...
"People who actually ARE wealthy mostly try to hide it."- Matt7738
"Living In A Material World..."
"I'm not well-versed in judging someone's wealth, but I do notice that the fake rich only look rich on social media and try their hardest to go to popular locations celebrities post."
"I know a couple of friends of friends who took out a loan just to keep up the facade that they're all in on the latest iPhones and wearables."
"They built a persona of being a rich kid, so now they have to stay the course."- anima99
Flaunt Modesty, Not Wealth...
"As a person which knows many very rich people."
"I can guarantee that not a single one of them wants to be known as rich."- CompetitivePause9033
Schitts Creek Flirt GIF by CBCGiphyWe Heard You The First Time!!!
"When they repeatedly and adamantly tell you how wealthy they are."- Famous_Bit_5119·
Experiences Over Stuff!
"I feel like actual rich people prioritize vacations/travel, buying their kids cars, paying for their kids/grandkids tuition."
"They don’t spend money on flashy or luxury stuff as much."- Klesea
Summer Time GIF by Merge MansionGiphyAll In The Editing...
"Ever notice how those jet setting influencers that post their pictures out of the airplane window are behind the wing?"
"They're in coach."
"The picture in business is where they stopped to pose on the way through."- Turbulent-Ask-2633
Pack Light...
"Private Jet pilot friend of mine said for the slightly wealthy they bring loads of luggage."
"The ultra rich bring a day bag they have enough money to buy clothes when they get there or already have clothes waiting on them."- hadmeatgotmilk
The Less Said...
"I never met a wealthy person that talks about it."
"They don't need to."- 181Eclipse·
Christina Moses Secrets GIF by ABC NetworkGiphy"See The Pyramid [SCHEMES!] Along The Way..."
"They make a goofy advertisement for some book or course that 'will help you get rich too!'"
"If they were actually rich, they would be on some tropical beach engaging in whatever vices they enjoy most-not hocking some get-rich-quick scheme."- illegalopinion3
All About The Simple Things...
"My dad's entire job is managing millionaire / billionaire philanthropy accounts, so I’ve grown up surrounded by some of the wealthiest people in the country."
"And I never knew until I got older how these 'Mr. Smith' and 'Ms. Jones' people that I’d grown up hanging out with were anything above upper middle class."
"Normal clothes, modest homes, very down to earth and funny people."
"Big wealth, and especially old wealth, is quiet wealth."- Travel_and_Tea·
Anything But Proud...
"I have a family member who insists she and her husband are upper middle class."
"She isn’t."
"She’s rich (8 figures), but it hurts her in some sort of primal way to acknowledge that."
"Her adult brother is also wealthy, although not as much as his sister."
"Likely also 8 figures."
"He insists he’s blue collar and middle class."
"There’s something in their upbringing that makes them ashamed of having 'made it' financially."- strangled_spaghetti
Blue Collar Work GIF by Pudgy PenguinsGiphyPeople will try to come off as wealthier than they are for a multitude of reasons.
But just like any facade, keeping it up eventually becomes untenable.
This is why it's always most important to be grateful for the things you have, rather than flaunt what you wish you had.
