Marriage is a complicated situation, it's been shrouded in fantasy and fairytales since the beginning of time. We've been indoctrinated to believe that it is essential for living a happy life. We're all -straight, gay and all in between- suppose to find that missing half of us to be complete. Marriage, kids, house = HAPPINESS. What a load.
Redditor u/m1ke156 wanted divorcees to discuss hindsight by asking.... Divorced members of Reddit, what is one thing you wish you asked your spouse prior to marriage?
Who do you swing for?Giphy
Are you gay? Would've saved me 7years and a bunch of heart ache. Terriberri877
Not op. We were both "taken by surprised" in some way but yes, given the benefit of hindsight there were signs. She didn't like to be touched in a romantic way and the dead bedroom. This would have been a very good indicator for anyone else but she had other issues from childhood that were also a very good explanation for not wanting that sort of thing.
At the time you are both in a straight relationship so "is it because she's/I'm gay?" is not really a thing either of us thought us.
In the end the "gay feelings" were there but not the only reason for splitting. They are however the only reason for not getting back together. We get along fine now. Kazamz
The truth is lying in wait....
Honestly I don't think it would have mattered what I asked, she still would have lied about it. AngloKiwi
This. So much this. Some people don't understand the idea of relationships working from both sides. It takes honesty on both to work and sometimes you don't realize you're being lied to until it's too late. VirtuousVice
Too Many Kids...
Are you looking for a wife, or a mother? Let me tell you, feeling more like a caretaker than a partner is demoralizing. In a much better place now. TheEggplantRunner
Yes!! I totally get this. I wasn't married to my ex but i felt like his mother 80% of the time. Always picking up after him, feeding him, clothing him. People even made comments about it! Was such an eye opener being with someone who acts like an adult. Unicorns_are_real05
You thought this through?
Why do you really want to get married? Are you sure you love me enough to want to spend the rest of your life with only me? PhantomAngel042
Who are you?Giphy
Are you a compulsive liar, narcissist and likely to sleep with anyone that shows the slightest bit interest with no care for how that effects your husband and children? Wouldn't have done any good, she'd have just lied anyway. Only_100kcal
Can you stand still?
Would you ever walk on me and our two kids after 13 years together to run off with a guy literally twice your age to that you meet on the internet, with out saying a word to me or anyone else, on our anniversary?
Yeah, explaining to a 7 and 12 year that I don't know where their mother went, or if they will ever see them again, while trying to assure them them it is not their fault was a something i never want to deal with again.
And doing this while packing up the house cause we can no longer afford to there...... evilcj925
Not really ask my spouse, but ask myself... Am I settling? "this will be fine" is not enough. cysgr8
I think thats why people are less able to be happy. Always looking for better and never being able to enjoy what is around them. Nasirammes
Sex isn't just Sex!
You're aiming to keep enjoying plenty of sex with me for the duration, right?
I don't think it was anything so deliberate on her side - just that something we both used to love mostly stopped mattering to her after the kids came along, whereas for me it never stopped being a cornerstone of what I thought intimacy should be (and such a waste of your life not to make the most of). She claimed she still loved me, but there's only a certain number of times you can hear that in a row as you lie there hurt, frustrated and despairing night after night after night...
Stayed together for the sake of the kids for a few years but then I finally left. Happy ending though - she lives five minutes up the road, we share custody, we're pretty good friends again now, and my lovely new girlfriend is utterly straightforward about - and keen on - having as much sex as she can (with me, that is!). I couldn't believe how simple that approach was when we first started seeing each other, and it's stayed that way ever since. UrsulaSpelunking
Want to discuss anything?
What are your true motivations for marrying me or, do you have any reservations/concerns. Considering she had to put on reddit that apparently she did, then ended up having motivations long term. throwaway_wubbles
A Change is Gonna Come...Giphy
"What do you expect to change once we are married?"
For me, the answer was not much. We already lived together and had a kid together. For her... Lots of things that she apparently thought were obvious but did not communicate. A brief example: a month before we got married I was driving two hours out of town for a company meeting and met with an old college friend (female, no romantic history) for lunch. No objections from the fiancè. A few months after we got married, same situation with the same girl and it was suddenly 'unthinkable' that I would do that. I asked why it was fine last time but not now and my ex wife said "because you're a married man."
I don't think it would have changed anything but it might have saved us both some heartache along the way. BarzTheOrange
Love YOU first!
Honestly, all the information I needed was available to me. I knew she was a narcissist. I knew she was emotionally abusive. I just didn't think I deserved better than that.
Depression sucks. Just because you think "I can live with this" doesn't mean you should. tenehemia
"Are you going to be faithful to me? You're not going to sleep with my brother are you?" ... Turns out, she wouldn't be faithful and she would do that. TheRegularPikachu
Your brother is also a piece of crap. Coug-Ra
Shut the Door!Giphy
I can't think of any questions I wish I had asked but there were major red flags I wish I had paid attention to. For instance, normal people don't blatantly violate your boundaries and then try to blame you for it when confronted.
Ex wife, when we were dating, went through some personal items in my bedroom without asking. I confronted her about it and she proceeded to blame me because "the door was open," as if an open door was a license to invade my privacy. You know who reasons like that? Four year olds. I learned shortly after I stupidly married her that I was married to someone with all the maturity and ethical standards of a little badly behaved kid.
I was too naive to notice the giant gleaming red billboards along the way and I didn't love myself at the time. I think part of me didn't believe I could do better. Trust me, It's far better to be single than to be married to a terrible person. dontknowbilliejean
Run and don't look back!
Prior to marriage questions: Are you going to ask me for a divorce if, when I finish college, I make more money than you? If, I do not get pregnant? Post divorce question (six years later): Now that I have a child from another man, will you go to the doctor to have yourself checked and confirmed that it was you all along that could not have children, I mean after you made me cry multiple times because I did not get pregnant at all?
Edit: Thank you for your good wishes. Yes, I am happy now. My child brings me joy. Bless you all.
A Family Affair....
Are you ever going to stand up to your family to defend me?
I am newly divorced. This huge red flag plagued me from the beginning. His entire family was abusive towards me in ways that sometimes are still too painful to even describe. Why I let them, why I stayed for so long are questions I will never have the answers to. After we signed papers in November, it was revealed he just had a baby with a woman who he has been cheating on me with for possibly at least 3 years. So I am reeling from that as well. Although we have an amazing teenage daughter who is my pride and joy, I regret the last 16 years of my life. sugarcookieprincess
Can't even give a face to face?
If you are not with someone that is committed to making the relationship work, they will LOOK for the bad things about you and turn it into a reason to get a divorce. There ARE legitimate reasons for divorce, but too many people think of it as an escape from their resolvable issues.
I overlooked how involved her mother was because they were both so warm and accepting of me. My ex had a temper and would strike me occasionally when things didn't go her way. Never enough to hurt, I'm a big guy. But since touch is my way of feeling loved by my spouse, even small punches like hers were very damaging emotionally. I asked her to not share what had happened with her mom, but she ran to her anyway. Her mother told her that it wasn't a big deal and that I was making something of nothing. Any time she did something wrong, her guilt was hushed by her mom. She left with our daughter and divorced me through a text message, then told me she was going to think about it before she filed. Two months of excruciating uncertainty later, she had her dad meet me in their driveway to tell me she was filing. MeerkatOutlaw
Who are you really?
- Do you secretly feel like a man trapped in a woman's body and wish to pursue becoming a man five years into marriage?
- Are you gay?
Both would have been pretty handy to know. I did ask by way of our previous partner's summary before marriage, but the list of women on their side of the equation weren't filled in until they acknowledged being trans and gay (or trans and not gay?). lightknight7777
This ain't the gravy train!
"Do your parents have a retirement plan?" My future plans did not include taking care of his parents due to their lack of future planning. erniezzz
It's Family service....
I would have asked her if she was okay being married to the military. She needed to be okay with all the time away from home. The long hours, the late nights, being posted with other women at work, having friends of all races and gender, etc.
Basically, my wife thought she was okay with being married and getting that sweet tri-care insurance, but she wasn't okay with any other aspect of it. So her cheating on me and divorcing me after we had a baby was actually both the worst and best thing to ever happen to me. It hurt like hell for a whole year, and then I met my current girlfriend. We've been together 5 years this February, and I'm going to put a ring on it soon. Judoka229
Be a REAL dad!Giphy
Do you know that childcare works both ways? Like, you're a father, you need to be involved. You can't just come home from work and berate me for not having a meal on the table. lastorderstime
As a father and husband, this kind of crap irritates me. Men aren't supposed to be served in a relationship, it's a mutual thing. One day, I cook, the next day, you cook if you want. Take turns. I don't mind cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, dishes, diaper changing, taking the kids out so mom gets a break or grocery shopping with them so you get a minute alone.
I'm making memories with my kids and teaching them about respect for others in doing so. xavier_grayson