You guys, kids are creepy. If you're a parent, you probably know this - or maybe you just were the creepy kid - like me! Remember guys, all of the "quirky" "dark" celebs we love were probably creepy kids at one point. So we're not saying creepy kids stay creepy - just that we really need to acknowledge their existence. And maybe get to some healthy redirecting. I mean, it's not their fauly they're creepy. They just are.
Reddit user @Edge_Goldie asked:
Parents of Reddit, what is the creepiest thing a friend of your kid has done at your house?
Brace yourself, you're about to enter a world of entitlement, lack of boundaries, inappropriate activities, and at least one or two pet murders. Yeah... kids are terrifying.
"I Think We May Have A Problem"
Tried to kill my baby by smashing his head between the couch and coffee table. I told the mother. Next night she says, "yeah, he tried to do it to the dog, I think we may have a problem". Oh yeah, THAT'S where we should draw the line. Christ.
The Peanut Butter Sandwich
We had friends at church who were very nice, but somehow ended up with deeply disturbed children. I walked in on their son pleasuring himself with half of the peanut butter sandwich I had just made him.
Using It As A Foot Massager
Not a parent, but once at a sleepover when I was about 12 my dad ordered pizza and one of the girls kept stepping on a slice and using it as a foot massager... my dad is still perplexed by this even over a decade later.
Playing Dad
I am not a parent but we used to have this creepy neighbor kid that didn't understand boundaries. He wasn't allowed at our house after a few incidents, but our neighbor thought we were being harsh and let him play with her kids.
He was around 10-12 and her daughter was 8 or 9. After their play date her daughter told her the boy had wanted to play house and he was going to be the "Dad" and she would be the "Mom."
After pretending to beat her around as "Dad" he then started dry-humping her.
Obviously, he was never allowed over again and the neighbor went to raise Hell at that kid's parents but they got defensive of their son and threatened her.
It's pretty clear now that he was reenacting what he thought Moms and Dads do based on what went on in his own home.
Helping Yourself
I'm the weird kid in this story...
There was this kid I used to hang out with all the time, I used to go over to his house and we played video games for hours straight. This one time, me and another friend went over to his house to ask him if he wanted to come play with us. They weren't at home, but they had their cleaning lady in their house working.
Now I can't remember if it is the lady who invited us in, or if we invited ourselves in given our familiarity with the place, but one way or another we went inside and helped ourselves with his video games, completely unaware of the weirdness of the situation that we're in. The lady even brought us snacks. They eventually came back to find two kids in their living room playing video games. His mom got upset with the lady I think, but I do remember her calmly explaining us that it was not okay and we shouldn't be in their home again unless they are home.
I really wasn't the brightest kid.
- oguz279
Not A Service I Offer
11 year old kid comes to my house. Friend of my daughter's. She goes into the bathroom, poops and then calls out for assistance. Apparently her parents still wipe her @ss.
Sorry kid, this is not a service I offer.
"I Just Wanted To Be Like Her"
A girl came over to my house and did come super psychopath "I want your life" sh*t.
This girl I knew from 1st grade came over for a sleep over. We must have fought over something, because I went up to my room because I got so mad at her, I forget why, it must've been big though because I'm not one to march out on a guest. Anyway, while I'm upstairs crying, I see in the mesh pocket of her away bag a bright pink Easter egg with some fur stinking out of it...and I realize I hear faint squeaking. I go over, pick up the egg, and it's warm and shaking. I open it and my pet mouse like explodes out of there. I'm absolutely horrified! I see in the bag all of my favorite toys and some of my clothes.
She took them and squirreled them away in her clothes to try to hide them. I go down stairs with the Easter egg, ready to absolutely raise Hell with my evidence, only to see my mom in the kitchen quite shaken already. There she is, looking down at my pet guinea pig in its cage, nose bloody, right front paw TORN OFF, and obviously dead. This kid was sitting on the couch watching TV acting like she had no idea what happened. In less than one hour this kid brutally murdered my pet, tried to take another one for later, and planned to take my favorite toys and even some of my clothes. My mom was like "nope," sent me to a friend's house and drove that kid home because she wasn't waiting for her parents to come get her. When my mom talked to her about it while in the car, she said the girl said "I just wanted to be like her."
Never saw that kid again. Hope she's safely locked away somewhere.
Haunted House
Giphy
I was the creepy kid.
I was staying at a friend's house for the night for her birthday. Before we all laid down, we had scared each other with stories and creepy videos. I'm easily scared and kept imagining a monster under her bed, so I couldn't sleep. Instead, I kinda sat in the hallway and tried to fall asleep there.
guess her dad came home from work because he walked into the house, rounded a corner, and saw me there hunched over and unresponsive when he called out. He went into the bedroom her mom was staying in, but I felt embarrassed so I got up and went back into the room all the kids were in. Our door was cracked, so I overheard him walking back into the hallway and saying, "I swear there was a kid here! She was just sitting there!" And the mother replying, "yeah okay, go to bed." Bonus: he peeked into our room after that and saw everyone asleep (I closed my eyes when I saw him approach the door because I was worried about getting in trouble) and muttered something about ghosts, so I'm pretty sure I helped convince that guy that his house was haunted.
The Threats
One of my kids ex-friends tried to convince her to give up a toy she got for Christmas, saying things like:
"If your Mommy and Daddy loved you, they would buy you another one if I took it"
"If I had a toy like this, I would let you have it, because you should always make your friends happy."
I over heard this, then asked her to leave and not come back after she said "If you don't let me have it, I'm going to get really sad and tell your Mommy that you hit me with it, and when she puts you in time out, I'll steal it."
Friend is 4.
Psycho...
He Doesn't Live Here
There was a kid in our neighborhood that was two years older than me, and four years older than my brother. He was the "bad kid" in the fifth grade, but he did a really good Eric Cartman act for his mom, where he could pass himself off as a little angel and so my mom and his mom decided it would be great for us to have a sleepover.
My mom left for 10 minutes to pick up a pizza and in that amount of time he was able to root through my parent's closet and find my mom's "ADULT" toys, which he used to beat the sh!t out of my brother. It was pretty funny actually.
Two weeks later, I'm home sick playing Unreal Tournament on the PC while my parents are at my brother's soccer game, and the doorbell rings. It's two uniformed police officers, with this 12-year-old shithead in handcuffs because he had gotten into the under-construction house across the street and somehow managed to collapse about half of their attic onto the second floor of the home, and when the police caught him he told them that he lived at my house.
"Straight men of Reddit, what is the strangest thing you have been told not to do because 'that's gay?'"
The following behavior just screams, "gay," fellas. Watch out.
Song Choice
"Sing a Lily Allen song during karaoke."
– KentuckyFriedEel
School Protocol
"Advice I received in high school from other students:"
"Don't cross your legs with one knee over the other. Put one ankle over the other knee."
"When carrying books, palm them and carry them at your side. Don't rest one edge of the books near your waist."
"Never button the top button of your shirt."
– Gorf_the_Magnificent
Look, But Don't Look
"This one time, at summer camp, this guy who'd just been swimming in the lake told me you could tell how cold the water was by how hard his nipples were. 'But don't stare too long,' he said, 'because that's gay.'"
"You were the one who told me to look in the first place!"
– SonOfTheShire
Sandwich For Sissies
"When I was a kid, my dad called me a sissy because I cut a sandwich diagonally."
– captainmagictrousers
Getting Woodwind
"I played the clarinet. I got called Faginet a lot."
– Virtual_Caramell
"But that's one women do," one might argue.
Daddy Duty
"Changing my daughter's diaper. Mentioned it in the office one day. Called gay."
– Bullydaddy
A Lighter Shade
"Buying a white IPhone."
– Freshrendar
"Added my husband (then boyfriend) to my phone plan. Went to the store on my own to upgrade both our phones. We both just wanted the next gen Samsung. It was only available in purplish-pink in store."
"I shrugged and said it didn't matter, he's putting a case on it anyways. Guys working at the store kept trying to talk me out of it, actively pushing me to go to another store, making them lose commission, just so my partner wouldn't have a feminine phone. He used his pink phone for 3 years."
– Caity26
Life Skills
"I've been criticized for knowing how to sew and cook. Those are essential life skills!"
– placeholderNull
"My father was a Marine drill instructor in the 50's. Guess who did all the sewing in my house growing up?"
"Yeah, no one dared to call him gay for it."
– desrever1138
Here are examples of guidelines for being a manly man, according to manly men.
Manly Appetite
"Not a straight man but... back in my bartending days I asked a man if he wanted to see a dessert menu. He said 'if I wanted dessert I'd order wings like a real man.'"
"Weird flex but okay."
– BigJiggies
When I'm In The Mood, I Masticate
"When I'm feeling extra manly, I just take a bite out of a cow and then chew on some raw wheat."
"Like a man."
– AmigoDelDiabla
No Appointments Necessary For Straight Men
"I left a pick-up basketball game because I had an appointment to get a haircut. Evidently, the only straight way to get a haircut is as a walk in."
– patricksaurus
Abiding By The Law Is So Gay
"Using turn signals. And not as some sort of euphemism, but literally using them while driving to turn or change lanes."
– Sargatanus
In grade school, some fellow classmates asked me to check for gum on my shoe because they saw me step in some.
When I lifted my leg to take a gander, the boys were howling hysterically as if my actions confirmed something.
Well, it sure did. Apparently, if I l looked at the bottom of my shoe from in front of me, I was "normal," but since I bent my leg back and looked at the bottom of my shoe from behind, that made me "so gay."
Although, I didn't come out 'til years later, maybe those goons were onto something. Thanks for the heads up, guys.
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