I'm proud to say I'm older and wiser and that I handle my breakups with much more grace than I did when I was much younger (and far more lame). For the sake of contrast, consider the time I cried my eyes out and threw up in a restaurant following a breakup with a guy in my early twenties versus the couple of weeks I spent chilling out, writing, watching movies, and spending time with my friends (and feeling productive) after my most recent one. Trust me, developing better habits never comes easy.
After Redditor ceelery asked the online community, "How do you get over someone?" people weighed in with their best advice.
"You'll try a million things..."
You'll try a million things, but the only real answers are time and/or eternal sunshine of the spotless mind-ing them.
"I'm 40 now..."
Play it out in your mind. Have the full unabashed conversation like that person was standing right in front of you. Talk to them. Remember why you aren't together. If it was mutual, then this usually works. If it's one-sided, and your heart is broken, embrace it. Embrace the pain, remember, if there isn't anything you can do about the situation, the only thing you can change is the way you react to it. Amor Fati. Love your fate.
If this person you wish to "get over" has passed on, and everything in the world is muted gray, dull, and terrible, then in my experience, "getting over" is not something you should really even attempt. That person, as all people, are never truly gone from this world until they are forgotten. It is your duty to live your life as best you can, never forgetting them, but also living as they would have wanted you to. Go on adventures, pet dogs, eat strange foods, read books that challenge your beliefs, grow as a person, and maybe one day find love again. Knowing full well that they would approve.
I'm 40 now, and it seems the older I get, the easier it becomes to walk away from people. I've met the "love of my life" 3 different times, I've loved women without ever telling them, I've been rejected, cheated on, dumped, ghosted, married and divorced. I've had one night stands, and 12 year relationships. The only thing I can tell you is that the people we chose to love, leave pieces of themselves within us. Often times, you don't even realize it until you have the strange desire to go to an IKEA on a Saturday afternoon, and have no idea why until you walk in and feel the nostalgia of walking around with someone, laughing at odd chairs, and wondering why this insignificant thing meant so much.
"We were both kids pretending to be adults..."
One thing I'd recommend: try having the conversation out loud. You can use your mind to play everyone who isn't you, but there's some inherent value in speaking your own part out loud.
I remember being 22, stupid, and furious after a relationship ended. It was easier to be angry than it was to be sad, so I really dove into that rage. I called that ex every mean name in the book, slung mud about her to friends and random strangers, left not-so-cryptic messages about how much I hated her on Reddit where I knew she'd find them-- all sorts of crappy stuff.
In my mind, it was easy to justify everything. I hurt really bad, and she'd clearly and intentionally caused me a lot of emotional harm by breaking up with me and then getting together with someone else too darned quickly, and proving that I'd never meant anything to her!
I drove a lot for work, and after literal months of going to bed and waking up angry with a woman I hadn't seen since I graduated college, I decided to finally talk about it out loud to the empty Passenger's seat. And trying to call her a cruel bitch and worse-- it stuck in my throat. Because it was a damn lie.
We were both kids pretending to be adults wrapping up college. She wanted out because I wasn't a particularly good boyfriend to her; I was obsessed with sex, didn't have much by way of a future planned out or ambitions, dismissed her when she talked about stuff that bothered her, played too many video games-- there was a laundry list of reasons why most people wouldn't have wanted to date my crusty @ss in college. I'd ignored all of them because it was easier to pretend that she was just pure evil than it was to be sad and to acknowledge that I needed to change and improve if I ever wanted to have happy and healthy relationships again.
Hashing it out with yourself out loud forces that sort of honesty and makes you examine things a little more clearly. You know when you're lying to yourself, it's just that sometimes you need the extra kick of having to say it.
"I used to convince myself..."
There's going to be good days and there's going to be bad days. I used to convince myself that I didn't think of him anymore, but the truth was I thought of him every day, until I didn't. People say you need time, but you also need patience. Just when I thought I was finally getting over him, I started to dream of him. I would wake up in tears because of how angry I was that I was doing so good on moving on, yet all it took was one 15 second dream to pull me back 20 steps. But in order to move on, you have to let yourself feel every emotion and have patience.
"It takes awhile..."
Tears and time.
It takes awhile but you will eventually figure out wether you actually miss them or the idea of them.
"Love yourself more."
Stop trying too hard to get over. When I had my first break up, I tried too hard to distract myself and everything kept reminding me of her. The point being, if you feel said, it's okay. If you miss them, it's okay. If you feel jealous seeing them with someone else, it's okay.
If I could go back and do one thing differently was "self-love". I did not love myself enough and kept thinking about what I could have done better. Now I am old enough to realize that relationship is two people and you can't keep it together just by yourself.
It has already been suggested here. Love yourself more. Get healthy, fit or learn a new hobby. Do something you always wanted to do but were too preoccupied to do before.
"And then you have to realize..."
Look mate, I got divorced 4 months ago and here's what I've learned through lots of thought and pain.
You won't. Don't let that discourage you though. The more it hurts, the longer it takes to get over someone, the more you know you cared about that person.
I don't know your situation, so I can't be specific, but what helped me was not turning away from that pain. You need to face whatever fear, loss, anger, sorrow, pity, anxiety, or loneliness you feel and question why you feel this way. What about this person do you miss, what did this person bring into your life or relationship that made you happy.
And then you have to realize that all those same actions, thoughts, and feelings the other person gave you, you can self generate that same energy. Just because they are gone, doesn't mean you can't learn from them and become a better and happier person without them in your life.
Be happy that it happened, not sad because it's gone.
"Accept the things you cannot change."
Accept the things you cannot change.
That includes people.
"The feelings that you have..."
Imagine the ocean. In the middle of it, there's a wave. It's only purpose is get to the shore from the vast open sea. It roams and it roams towards the shore, but the shore is far. It takes time to reach it. However, it gets smaller and smaller as it approaches it's destination. Eventually subsiding into a soft little splash of water caressing the toes of the people on the beach.
The feelings that you have towards this person (be it infatuation, attraction, love) get smaller as the time goes by. Now get on with your life. Read a book, go to work, go to school or whatever it is you do. And one of these days you're gonna come to the realization: "Wow. I didn't have a single thought about this person yesterday."
I hope this helps.
"It's a cliche but..."
It's a cliche but "just do you".
Figure out who and what you are. What you want and what you lack and what you can give. Why do you need a partner? Why do you want a partner? What happened with this one? What were your wrongs and what were their wrongs?
It doesn't matter if you're 13, 23, 33, 43, or 53.
If you never figure yourself out and be content--or at least understand--who you are... there's a good chance you'll never meet the right person or be the right person for others. There'll always be that void of loneliness and itch that's never been scratched.
Because you don't even know what you need or what you can give.
If you're a young person, take this time to be someone of genuinely value to yourself. That'll naturally make you person who can provide for others as well.
Learn skills, pile on knowledge, and develop your physical traits.
Start working on all that and time will fly. You'll meet someone before you realize it's been months, years, since the break up. And you'll see how far you've come.
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