My ex is 13 years older than I am and calls me old constantly. You know what, he's totally right. Yes, I'm absolutely going to bed at 9:30 if I can swing it. Sleep is delicious!



Insomnia and a crazily busy schedule usually mean I'm awake way later than I want to be, but whenever the opportunity to get to bed early presents itself, I am 100% taking it. No kids, money in the bank on a Friday night? Great! That means I can sleep. No Saturday plans and it's gorgeous outside? Great! Open the windows, it's nap time. Chillin on the beach on a lazy Sunday afternoon? Great! Hope you're wearing sunscreen cause we're about the have a snooze-by-the-sea. I am 100% about that nap life - and I'm not the only one out here living my best old life

Reddit user DarthMares asked:

What "old person" things do you do?

You guys... seriously... out inner grandpeeps are amazing. Enjoy this awesomeness!

Too Loud

My wife got sick of me turning up the volume on the tv "too loud" when I could barely hear it and still needed captions. So I got those wireless headphones that connect straight to the tv so I could hear at my own volume and she can set the ambient volume at a normal level.

She did get a little annoyed when she realized now I can't hear her at all while they're on so I got her a mini whiteboard with a dry erase marker.

- petethepianist

Laps

Giphy

I've been to a shopping mall before all the stores were open, so I just walked laps around the mall until they opened.

- Pillosi

Putting On Socks

I pretty recently threw out my back while putting on socks.

- annamorphism

Undercooked Grandpa

I actually always have a bag of Werther's hard candy in my car. Also I'm kinda terrible with computers. I'm 27 but my friends call me an undercooked grandpa.

- Code_3_Cheeseburger

This Workout

I was headed for the rec center to get in a work out. As I'm getting in my car, I remembered something I forgot. Went up stairs, got it, came back down. Repeated that about 3 more times including once when I got back upstairs I forgot what I was looking for. I was breathing pretty hard and just decided to call that my work out. Showered and turned on the TV.

- BlindSidedatNoon

The Secret Weapon

I'm part of quiz team of 50-60yo men called "The Old Gits" that does pub quizzes in a golfing pub. I am a 25yo woman, and probably the youngest in that pub by about 20 years. 90% of the questions are 'before my time' but I help out with all the gaming and 'youth culture' questions that throw all the other teams off. I'm their secret weapon.

I get to learn a lot of interesting stuff and there's a great selection of real ales there. I love it.

- Squiral-

The Commercials

I evidently have the same tv watching habits of my late grandparents. My dad makes fun of me for watching Matlock and Murder She Wrote like his mom did. At some point, I noticed that all of the commercials between my shows were for things like alert bracelets and walk in bath tubs. Even the commercials for toys were like "Your grandchild will love this for their birthday!" Time to go yell at some kids to get off my lawn.

- HysteryMystery

Zoning Grudge

Had a zoning dispute turn into a years-long grudge.

A neighbor put a complaint in about a tool shed in our backyard when we built a garage. Town came out and made us tear it down to avoid the fine (the shed had been there for over a decade and when we built a garage the shed became out of compliance).

He was a world class assh*le; the type of guy who would never confront a problem or talk to a neighbor man to man, but peer out his window and play tattle tale any time a neighbor made an improvement to their house. He was an insecure and petty man. So petty that he once called the cops over me playing catch in the street with my old man when I was a kid.

He'd call the cops for noise complaints during a family BBQ...at 5pm. He would make an anonymous tip if someone Installed a back yard hot tub. He'd call about a new boat in the driveway. He'd call the town about fireworks on the 4th. He once called the town about my fathers flagpole and USMC flag.

I was brought up to turn the other cheek, and my parents were never the type to escalate. but that Zoning violation call could not go unchecked... so I waited until the right time.

Well guess what Vern. The ASPCA call years later about your puppy breeding. Me

The fine you got for your wife's un-licensed day care she was running out of the house...Yours truly

When your teenage daughter got drunk with her friends while you were away and sideswept the car down the street... How did they know what door to knock on? Say...My...Name

So when you're sitting home asking yourself what went wrong. Why your unfulfilled and bored wife with nothing to do during the day abandoned your marriage. Why you failed as a parent and your daughter had to take the bus everyday in college. Why you don't even have the company of a pet... I want you to remember,

You should have never opened your mouth about that f*cking tool shed.

- JameGumbsTailor

Teenagers

Giphy

I'm only 30, and I'm waaay too suspicious of teenagers. A few groups of kids cut through the parking lot of my apartment complex in the mornings to get to school, and I'll just peek through my blinds with squinted angry-eyes and sip my coffee while muttering to myself, assuming that these kids are up to no good. There's no reason for me to do this but it's basically a part of my morning routine, now. Oh, and I frequently sneezefart.

- Timorwhatever

Before 7

Wake up before 7am every day.

I have no reason to be up early on weekends, but still find myself having my morning coffee alone. At 6:30.

- MRoDustin

You May Also Like
Hi friend— subscribe to my mailing list to get inbox updates of news, funnies, and sweepstakes.
—George Takei