Weve all seen it before drill sergeants in movies making hilarious and sometimes outrageous comments to their subordinates. Well how does this hold up in real life? People reveal the funniest thing theyve ACTUALLY heard a drill sergeant say.
1/29. "I am going to take a sh*t in a box and send it to your parents for sending me theirs!"
2/29. One of our warrant officers took my glasses, drew a crosshair on one of the lenses and introduced me as a "future soldier" to a colonel who was inspecting our training.
3/29. My battle buddy and I were ordered to dig holes, so when were about to our waist he proceeded to turn on a hose. He started to fill the holes with water and told us to stay in the hole. Another drill sergeant walks by and asks him what he's doing. He says "I'm watering my petunias".
4/29. We came back from a run one night, it just was starting to snow. We came back to see all out bunks and lockers had been thrown out. I being not the smartest Pvt. said "I could have sworn I made my bed" drill sergeant was behind me. I painted a fence at midnight in the snow for three hours. I almost cried the whole time while painting that damn fence.
5/29. We were marching back from our mock PT test and the tornado sirens began to go off (Navy boot camp is in Illinois) and we look to our right and there's a tornado forming a couple football fields away in the middle of base. Our RDC, who was already irritated by our failure to line up in time starts yelling "RUN, F*CKERS, RUN!!" And two whole divisions of about 180 people break formation and begin to run to our barracks for our lives. At the time it was one of the most terrifying experiences of my life, but in hindsight it was actually pretty funny because the RDC caught a lot of sh*t from other RDCs for doing that. He would explain to us, "What the f*ck was I supposed to do? Keep you sh*t heads in rank? Am I supposed to tell you, oh no stay in formation! Keep marching! F*ck no, I'm not trying to die in this sh*thole."
6/29. A recruit interrupted the Chief to say, "Chief, there's a bunny rabbit behind you."
Chief looked like his brain had actually shorted out, then responded, "Is it armed?"
7/29. We had this awesome Staff Sergeant in AIT who brought a sledgehammer he named Mjolnir Thor's hammer everywhere with him. If he caught you f*cking up, he would hand you the hammer and tell you to go dig a hole with it.
8/29. "That's not 4 inches Private! Your girlfriend has been lying to you"
More hilarious stories on the next page!
9/29. "If I wanted to hear sh*t, I would have farted!"
10/29. We do a lot of aid training, such as CPR, wound healing, exposed intestines, chest hole fix, etc etc. The fun stuff. In training, one of the steps is to tell someone to call 911. Specifically point at them and direct them. In combat, this switches to pointing at someone to go get the medic.
We were all lined up at our bunks at the end of the day and the drill instructor was talking. The same as you can see in movies like Full Metal Jacket.
As his final words, he is dictating whom is going to do fire watch for the night. Fire watch is basically someone standing at the main door who guards sleeping recruits and also watched out for any fires or anything else that could kill us in our sleep. There are always two people on watch in our platoon of about 60.
He points at one recruit and says "You, go stand fire watch in the front."
He points at another recruit and says, "You, get dressed for fire watch too."
He points at a third recruit. He hesitates because he realizes that he's already picked two. He suddenly says, "You...." .... "Go call 911."
Funniest thing that happened in all of boot camp. He let us all laugh for about 3 seconds and then told "alright now...enough."
11/29. I left MEPS with a guy from my home town that I had went to high school with, and we got assigned to the same flight. Our drill sergeant heard me call him by his first name, and gave this whole speech about how "If you're so comfortable with each other, why don't you hold each other's hands!?" We stood there and stared at him blankly for a minute, then he seriously made us hold hands for the rest of the f*cking day.
12/29. "Assume the position!"
We were about to do punishment pushups; I forget why. But we were his first female company... and 80 women shouted "Yes Sir!" very... enthusiastically. And threw ourselves onto the deck. While smiling.
Poor man turned a lovely shade of red and ran and locked himself in his office. No pushups were done because our female CC was laughing too hard and she had to leave the room as well.
From then on, she was the one who ordered us to do pushups.
13/29. The drill sergeant did this thing where they would yell "Freeze, Recruit, Freeze". We would have to stop whatever we were doing.
As my bunk mate was running back from the showers wearing nothing but a towel the DS screamed "Freeze, Recruit, Freeze". My bunk mate tried to freeze on one leg and then fell down, naked, and because he was following orders, just laid there naked. I laughed and my DS called me a junk gazer.
14/29. My RDC (navy boot camp instructor) ripped a** all the time. It got to the point where she would always do it at the most quiet time just to beat us later for laughing. My favorite moment was when we were lining up for chow and she walks by and toots so hard the entire line heard it (80+ people) and as she hears people giggling, she whips around and screams, "WHO THE F*CK SAID THAT?!" All the grins were wiped immediately only to hear her follow up, "some a**hole's talking sh*t behind my back..."
15/29. So, I was at Basic in Fort Benning, and we were zero'ing our weapons as a company. Zero'ing a weapon is when you ensure it shoots where you want it to by shooting a paper target repeatedly. Sounds easy enough. Now, I am a terrible shot. I know this. Everyone knows this. However, I get even worse when I'm being screamed at. I spent hours on the line until, finally, there were only four of us cats who hadn't gotten a "go" in the whole company. We had three more hours of range time, and if we failed to zero, we'd be "recycled."
"Recycled" entails having to revert to another company earlier along in Basic Training. So, not only do you lose your buddies, but you catch a couple extra weeks of training with a unit that knows you're a sh*tbird of some sort. So, a fate worse than death.
After another unsuccessful grouping, my drill sergeant, without a word, picked me up from the prone position and stood me up. He looked at me and said "Go find me a pine cone." Confused, I took four steps, scooped up a pine cone and took it back to him. I presented him my findings, and he responded "Private, that's not my pine cone, go find me my f*cking pine cone!"
Keep in mind, this is a forest in Georgia, there's a metric sh*t ton of pine cones. So I jog off and work on my "mission." This entire time, my DS is shooting all my rounds off, genuinely enjoying himself. Every pine cone I bring to him is not his pine cone. This continued for about 15 minutes while the rest of the company, sitting in a clearing eating MREs, cheered me on.
Finally, I breathlessly run up and hand him another pine cone, about to jog off to grab another. He looks at me, then the pine cone, then me. .... "STEVE!" he yells "You found Steve, private!"
I sh*t you not, I had never been more relieved in my entire life, until his face scrunched into a grimace.
"Wait, private, where's his family? ... WHO THE F*CK TAKES A PINE CONE AWAY FROM HIS FAMILY!?"
So, terrified, I spend around half an hour scavenging for appropriate sized pine cones, while he fires maniacally. Eventually, I hunt down his "wife" and his two "kids." (At one point I brought "Steve's estranged son, Dennis", and I needed to do push-ups for causing Steve "emotional duress.")
Anyway he lets me fire (after I prop up the family to "cheer me on"), I go prone, and I zero on the first iteration. He picks me up again, cracks the only smile I ever saw from him, and says "It was all in your head, you dumb f*ck. Good job. Now go do push-ups till I'm tired." He also had me write my congressman later that day to apologize for wasting taxpayer money on bullets.
A pine cone saved my military career.
Continue to the next page for more!
16/29. During roll call, there was a soldier who's last name was Parts, so DS would read out loud, "Private Parts! Private Parts! Where is Private Parts?!"
17/29. Walking by the snake pit when I'm stopped by another MTI who asked if my TI cursed at us. I answered no as they technically aren't supposed to, but they still do. The MTI then grabbed a banana off my plate and said if I wanted it back I had to answer truthfully. Food being a luxury and I do love my bananas, I answered yes and he sent me on my way. Later that day in the day room my MTI comes busting in, "Which one of you motherf*ckers sold me out for a god damn banana?!"
18/29. "If you drop your magazine again before putting your safety on I will kick you in the balls and make you sing like Mariah Carey."
19/29. So I was in the AF basic training. We had this kid, whose name I cannot remember now. Probably because our T.I. (training instructor) had a special name for him.
"HEY Marty McFly! Get over here!"
We all sort of chuckle or fight them off. This goes on for weeks and weeks. Well one day this kid is sort of having a bad day and he keeps f*cking things up. The T.I. loses his mind and says,
"DAMNIT MARTY MCFLY GET OVER HERE AND" blah blah blah. The kid snaps.
"WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING ME MARTY MCFLY!?"
The T.I. response... "BECAUSE YOUR GLASSES ARE SO THICK YOU CAN SEE INTO THE FUTURE."
We all laughed our assess off. And had to do pushups.
20/29. The Senior DS had us all bend over at the waist and put our heads between our knees as low as possible. Then he wanted us to all stand up as quickly as possible while shouting "POP!". Once we did that, he said, "Congratulations men, you've just pulled your head out of your motherf*cking a**!"
21/29. We were lined up in 4 rows, or "Elements."
One day a lone soul lined up in his own element. The instructor came running around the corner staring at this guy. He got right up to his face and screamed,
"ARE YOU BRUCE WILLIS?!"
"No, ...sir" he whimpered.
"THEN WHY ARE YOU IN THE FIFTH ELEMENT?!"
I had to use everything within me to not laugh.
22/29. "He's so dumb, if he fell in a barrel of tits, he'd come out sucking his thumb."
I'll never forget that line.
23/29. I can't even remember why we're being punished, but we've been forced to do exercise after exercise, and at the time we were doing push-ups. It's late at night, I think it was during what (should have been) our 30 minutes of free time to shower and get ready for lights out. Our DS was going off,
"PRIVATES, I WANT TO SEE THE CEILING SWEAT IN HERE. THE WINDOWS ARE STARTING TO SWEAT, THE WALLS WILL BE NEXT, AND I WANT THE CEILING TOO. I WILL DROWN YOU IN YOUR OWN SWEAT"
As she takes a breath in to continue yelling, one kid, from the back of the room goes
"From the windooooowwwwsssss, to the walls!"
She f*cking died laughing on the spot. Only time any of our DS cracked like that the entire cycle. The combination of tiredness and laughing meant like half the platoon crashed into the floor. She walked out of the room laughing. Came back and just said "Go to bed Privates."
More hilarious comments on the next page!
24/29. One of the first days in basic a guy in my platoon was standing at attention while having his room inspected by the instructor.
It didn't matter how nice his room was because there was a large piece of fuzz/fluff on his shirt that immediately drew the sergeant's attention.
"Recruit Bloggins! What is that on your shirt?! Is that a fluffy!?"
"Yes sergeant!"
"Why is there a fluffy on your shirt Bloggins!?"
"I must have missed it sergeant!"
"Missed it? It is so huge, how did you miss such a big fluffy!?" She picks it off of him "Hold out your hand" He holds out his hand and she places it in his palm "This is Mr. Fluffy. Find a home for him, like a pill bottle or something. From now on, whenever I want to see Mr. Fluffy you must bring him to me."
And so, for the rest of basic, every time the sergeant found a piece of fuzz she would yell out, "MR. FLUFFY!" and Bloggins would have to march over to her and present Mr. Fluffy and she would formally hand him the new piece of fuzz to add to Mr. Fluffy. There was hell to pay if he didn't have Mr. Fluffy with him at all times.
25/29. We were shining our boots when a staff sergeant (called a Sergeant Instructor) from another platoon walked through.
Delbert, a friend of mine, glanced up from his work and made a microsecond of eye contact with the Sergeant Instructor.
SI: "Midshipman, why are you looking at me?"
Delbert: Silence.
SI: "Midshipman, do you like me?"
At this point I am listening and thinking "Sh*t, I'm not sure there is a good answer to that question".
Delbert: "Uh, yes, Sergeant Instructor."
SI: "Well liking leads to loving and loving leads to f*cking. Do you want to f*ck me, Midshipman?"
Delbert: "NO, Sergeant Instructor!"
SI: "Then keep your damned eyeballs off of me!"
26/29. My sister platoon had to march around carrying their toilet plungers everywhere. At meal time, the section seniors had to stand at attention, in the hallway outside the mess, holding out a toilet plunger... It was hilarious!
27/29. My T.I. (Air Force) started his lighter right in front of the face of the dorm guard on duty and asked her, "You see fire, what do you do?" It was priceless to watch his jaw hang open when she simply blew it out like a candle.
He took a second to regain composure and lit it up again, asking "There's a fire in the dorm, what do you DO?" She quietly answered "Fire, fire, fire?" and he growled, "Well?"
Then she ran around the room shouting "Fire! Fire! Fire!" like she was supposed to and those of us watching had to fight not laughing and stumbling while going down the stairs.
28/29. "Does it look like I have a sh*t-sweep hangin' between my legs?!!!
In response to a basic trainee referring to her as a "Sir".
29/29. "I just want to stand here and stare at my privates!"
But sometimes, the wisdom imparted by friends isn't always helpful or relevant to the situation.
Curious to hear from strangers online who could do without specific knowledge, Redditor Saibotnl1 asked:
"What life advice can just f'k off?"
These Redditors have a problem with how certain people have on outlook on life.
Time To Rest
"Sleep when you’re dead."
"Cool, but you’re going to be dead a lot sooner."
– Tag2graff
Irrelevant Sadness
"People have it so much worse than you so don’t be sad!"
– notrachelmar
"To that I like to say, 'people have it so much better than you so don't be happy!'"
– ___jupiter____
Your Life Path
"Almost anything relating to what age you must be in order to buy a house, have children, marry, have a profession, or do anything else. Seriously, everyone's life is different from everyone else's. Make your life the way you want it to be. If you so desire. Up to you."
– Frn071
On The Contrary
“Cheaters never prosper”
"Yes, they f'king do."
– waqasnaseem07
People can get out of any situation they find displeasing.
But others feel people should just "stick it out."
Ignoring Bullies
"Just ignore bullys or get someone else to handle it for you. I have never seen this work, only makes it worse. The only effective way I've seen to deal with them is by not making yourself an easy target and make them scared to f'k with you again. If going psycho on their a** is the only thing they'll respond to that's their fault. Also want to add in schools they will punish you for self defense but that punishment is only sitting around a few hours in detention or sitting around at home with a suspension. The punishment is temporary boredom, it's absolutely nothing compared to being bullied and when it's over the important message will still stand that you will not tolerate being a victim."
– User Delted
Remain to be Miserable
"Stick it out"
"Whether that's sh**ty jobs, shi**y relationships, shi**y living situations..."
"By all means don't just give up on things when you face challenges, but if something feels wrong or is wrecking your peace then take some control and change it if you can!"
– petitezoey
"Easy for you to say," might be an auto-response to these suggestions for many people.
Invitation For Recklesslessness
"Live like everyday was your last"
Yall know what people do when they learn they have a single day left to live?"
– LimeGrass619
A Possible Consequence
"I did that as a teenager and ended up homeless and addicted to heroin. Didn’t pan out for me too well."
"19 years sober though today."
– Open-Section-7263
A Practical Approach
"If I knew with certainty that I had one day left, I'd double-check all my financials, my will, and my insurance policies, make sure my wife had all of my passwords and knew where all the money was, spend the rest of the day with her and the kids, then call the medical examiner and ask to lie down on the gurney so that when I die they won't strain their back moving my remains out of my house."
– Asteriad
Nose Stuck In A Book
"Work while they sleep. Study while they party"
"That's not a recipe for success, that's a recipe for a lot of white hairs, burnout syndrome and a stroke before your 40s..."
– Khomuna
Doesn't Apply To Everyone
"Do what you love and money will follow"
"I love walking my dogs and grilling food for my friends but That sh*t doesn't pay the bills as well as my engineering degree!"
– Elons_android
While people's intentions are good, they're better off keeping their two cents in their own pockets.
Not everyone likes to hear platitudes.
Sometimes, people just want to know they're not alone with their problems over listening to unlikely solutions that are nothing more than superficial pick-me-ups.
Want to "know" more?
Sign up for the Knowable newsletter here.
Never miss another big, odd, funny or heartbreaking moment again.
