Let's face it - when we're alone, we all do things we wouldn't otherwise do in front of someone else. Singing at the top of our lungs, talking to ourselves, and the like. Sometimes, however, these solo sessions don't always work out as planned. Here, 19 unfortunate souls share the most embarrassing time they THOUGHT they were alone.
1/19. I was about fourteen years old. Not owning a laptop, I used the home desktop to masturbate. Said computer was located on the main floor in the family room. To my left, through the dining room, there was a large bay window that gives a perfect view of the front yard and the walkway that leads to the door.
So, knowing I was home alone I got to work. As I'm about to orgasm I see, out of the corner of my eye, my dad walking towards the front door through the bay window. I froze. I don't know why he was coming home but I know that he was NOT supposed to be there. I was so close and so into it my body went into some sort of autopilot and I was unable to stop. Seconds later, I finished as the front door opened.
My only course of action was to flip my penis into my waistband. I was wearing a dark shirt so I wasn't worried about the moisture being too terribly visible. I closed the computer and stood up to greet my father as he rounded the corner. Hands on my hips, poker face on, I say, "What's going on, dad?". He gives me a very concerned look. A combination of disappointment and disgust. How did he already know? I thought I had committed the perfect crime. At that moment I look down, only to discover that my still erect penis was on the OUTSIDE of my shirt. Totally exposed. I was absolutely mortified and just ran down to the basement. It has never been brought up.
2/19. I had just finished watching the whole series of Avatar: The Last Airbender one summer and was cleaning the house when the head of my broom fell off. Naturally, with my broken broom now resembling a staff, I went to my backyard and began to spin it around and play with a "staff" for a bit. Around five minutes went by and I looked up to find my neighbor watching from his window. I was 20 at the time.
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3/19. Just the other day... I got really high with my brother and his wife at my house, we had a grand old time and they ended up staying the night.
I woke up the next morning feeling pleasantly relaxed and, having completely forgotten that they stayed over, proceeded to take a nice refreshing bath.
With the door open. While singing loudly, and out of key. And shaving my family jewels.
Somewhere in between the second chorus of Kissed a Girl and the completion of a perfectly smooth scrotal surface, I noticed my sister-in-law frozen in horrified bafflement in the hall.
F*ck.
4/19. Was walking past a car pulled up in front of a shop on the side of the road. The passenger windows were rolled down and two fluffy dogs started barking at me with those really yappy kind of barks. Anyway, I barked back at them, just as yappy and loud. I guess this kinda confused them because they stopped barking. I barked once more to assert my dominance, pointed my finger at them and said "I'm watching you"
Then I noticed there were people in the back seat. Awesome.
5/19. Reverse situation. I was sick so stayed home from school. My sister thought I was gone and masturbated in the shower next to my room. Loudly.
6/19. My roommate has a cat and it greets me every time I come in. So like a lunatic I have a conversation with it.
- Me: Hey kitty
- Me: Meow
- Me: How was your day kitty
- Me: Meow Meow Meow
Didn't realize her boyfriend was in her room, staring at me through the crack in the door. I'm also a 6'4, quiet man.
7/19. I was at an IHOP with some friends and had received a serious wedgie upon sliding into my booth. The longer I sat there the worse it got so by the time we finished eating I was ready to fix the problem so I stepped out the front door and stepped around the side wall of the little entry way to pick it, and since no one was driving through the parking lot I figured I was safe but didn't want anyone sneaking up so I kept my back to the wall.
I was digging, hand down the back of my pants, yanking out the offending cloth when one of my friends walked around the corner and immediately started laughing at me and pointing. It took me a second to figure out she wasn't laughing at me but the poor family having breakfast behind the plate glass window that was looking at me in horror. In fact, the whole front of the restaurant is like a giant window
[deleted]
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8/19. I studied abroad in Germany. Now a nice thing about Germany is that you can drink outside, and nobody cares. It's just fine. So, when I first arrived all fresh faced and stupid from America, and my German friends invited me to go drinking at a festival on the river, well, I was there.
So, as things often go, when you've been drinking for a while, you need to pee. And I am no exception to the rule. Yet somehow, and this is really beyond me, there was no provision for this basic human need at this whole big festival. I'll just go in a bush or something. Granted, I was wearing pretty tight jeans, and when you're a girl, that means that peeing outside is sort of challenging, but hey, I was up for anything. So I go behind my bush, ducking from the well-lit street fair to the pitch blackness of the park. And I perform what is just a spectacular acrobatic maneuver, pants around ankles, bracing myself on two different trees to avoid peeing on my pants. I heaved this big enormous sigh of satisfaction as I begin struggling my way back into said pants.
My night vision slowly creeps back. And I realize that I am not the only person to pee behind this bush. There are at least twenty people peeing behind this bush. And what is worse, this seems to somehow be the mens bush. Exclusively. Twenty men, dongs in hand, just a-staring.
9/19. My wife and I were having sex and my best friend called. It was right when I first got a smart phone, so I wasn't 100% on how to reject calls. Well I didn't hit the right button, we continued having sex for at least a few minutes before I heard my buddy's voice say "are you guys having sex?". We stared at each other and burst out laughing because it was right in the middle of dirty talk.
10/19. I was staying at a nice hotel while travelling for work. They had a great pool. I went in there one morning and I was the only one there. I started messing about, recreating the opening scene of Jaws where the girl realizes that her leg has been bitten off, then lots of splashing like the shark had come back for the second go. Then I tried a bit of synchro, kicking my legs up in various shapes. Then I did a bit of goalkeeper practice by throwing my goggles and diving to catch them. Then I saw a window overlooking the pool and a family of 6 people eating breakfast and watching me. I'm a 51-year-old man.
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11/19. Realized that my building had security cams in the elevators after two years living there. And that concierge actually watch them. And the poor guys have been subjected to my solo dance parties for months. Christ.
12/19. While I was in grad school I lived in a basement apartment of a pretty big building. Right next door to me was the (pretty small) laundry room, a couple washers and dryers. Normally it wasn't a problem, but this one washer decided that on this day it was going to be particularly loud and was slamming around and it sounded like the world was ending inside my apartment. I was studying for finals and trying to concentrate, so all the noise was just a nightmare and I couldn't get anything done.
In a moment of complete exasperation I ran out into the hallway in my boxers and a t-shirt and into the laundry room. I lunged at the offending machine like it was a mugger trying to rob my grandma, I shook it violently and screamed, "Shut up you damn washer, don't you know I have finals this week?!" I unplugged it and plugged it back in, and I talked at it like a psychotic person, "I control whether you live or die. Gosh darn washer. Can't get anything done."
Around then I realized that I should probably not be doing this with other people living down the hall, so I decided to run back into my apartment. And then I turned around. There was this beautiful, college-aged woman who lived in my apartment building, standing there, staring at me, petrified.
She just held her detergent and roll of quarters quietly, eyes bulging. She nodded politely when I stammered about how "I'm studying for finals... uh, it was being loud."
About a week later I walked by woman and her friend on the street and I heard her whisper, "Oh my god, it's that guy. The guy from the laundry room I told you about."
13/19. Jerking it to 'that' scene in Titanic when I was about 14. Older brother walks in, "Oh... um... good scene, isn't it?"
14/19. Not me, but my father. He and my mother were grocery shopping when my dad suddenly had to let one rip. After turning down an aisle and assuming it was just him and my mother behind him, he lets out the biggest, raunchiest, fart (my dad's farts are legendary in my family). He lets out a "woo!" and turns around to my mom saying, "How did you like that one, honey?!"
Except it was not my mom. It was a grocery store employee. My dad said he's never seen such sheer horror on a face like that guy's.
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15/19. I was cleaning the deck outside and found my kids' toy pistols. I picked them up and, feeling silly, pretended I was Lara Croft by posing with them all willy nilly. A minute later I turned around and there was my husband staring at me through the door with a WTF look on his face.
The sad thing is I've been caught doing this more than once.
16/19. When I was 14 my parents went out for the night and left me home. I was a freshmen in high school and it was right around this time that I was starting to listen to music and I was finding out what music I liked and listening to as much music as I could. During this week I was given a Jimi Hendrix greatest hits album by a friend from school to listen to and I was listening to it non-stop for the entire week and would sing along and strum my air guitar to the music.
Since my parents went out they told me to order some food for myself and I settled on a large cheese pizza. I called the pizza place, ordered my pizza, and went back to my tunes while I waited for the delivery guy to come in a half-hour. Before I knew it I found myself with my Guitar Hero guitar around my neck and a tie dyed bandana on my forehead like Jimi at Woodstock and I was really rocking out to Voodoo Child like I was possessed.
At some point after the solo in that song I managed to open my eyes and I had the sh*t scared out of me by some really tall guy with long metal head hair and a giant beer gut in my bedroom rocking out with his eyes closed just as hard as I was. I actually screamed when I saw him and he screamed back at me and I was freaked out. I then noticed the pizza box that he had set down on top of my dresser and managed to stop screaming.
He said that he kept ringing the doorbell but I never came down to open the door so he let himself in. He figured that I was rocking out because I had my music so loud so he came upstairs to give me my pizza but didn't want to interrupt my jammin' so he put the pizza down for a minute and started jammin' along with me. The guy started rocking out with me when he saw that I was in the zone and said that he didn't mean to scare me. We both laughed about it and I paid for my pizza before walking downstairs with the guy. Before he walked out the door he said "Jimi f*ckin' rocks doesn't he?" I could only say, "Yeah, Jimi rocks."
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17/19. I had just taken a shower and had gotten out when my dog came in and started running around wanting to play. I ended up chasing him out of the bathroom while nude and he led me right to my sister, who had stayed home sick.
Needless to say she was curious why I was chasing our dog around while naked.
18/19. Going in the stockroom at work to fart, only to have a female coworker stocking the shelves behind the door.
19/19. I talk to myself when I'm alone. All the time, anywhere I happen to be alone. This includes when I'm working.
So one time I'm stocking candy at work, and I just bust out singing, "YOOOOUUUUUUUU LIIIGHT UP MYYY LIIIIIIIFE..." and I turn around and there's this poor customer looking at me trying not to laugh. I felt myself turn bright red, but I laughed awkwardly and said, "Sorry..."
He says, "Naw man, it's alright. I do it too."
There are a ton of jobs or favors that don't require much skill, experience, or labor, and people who are fortunate enough to get hired walk away with a king's ransom.
Looking for those kinds of "jobs," however, is like finding a teardrop in the ocean.
Few who struck gold, at least temporarily, shared their experiences when Redditor NikTheNerdBoy asked:
"What's the dumbest thing you were paid to do and how much were you paid?"
Good luck finding these well-paying tasks.
Running Errands
"Had a WFH gig working sort of as a personal assistant for a rich guy on the opposite coast from me. I did all kinds of wacky sh*t for him. For example, one time I had to break up with my boss's girlfriend because he was too wimpy to do it himself. That was literally my job."
"One day, I bought him a new pickup truck. Meaning, I negotiated the deal and paid for the truck with his credit card. All in all, I'd say the process probably took about two weeks, for which I was paid my usual wage at six hours per day. No big deal."
"Somehow, his dad found out about the new truck and he decided he wanted a new pickup truck too. He called me about a week after I bought the truck for my boss and said he'd pay me $2,000 to buy a truck for him. I called the same dealership back, spoke to the same salesman, told him what was up and basically said give me another truck, same price as before. The salesman was only too happy to comply."
"It took ten minutes to make the phone call and then a day or two to get the title and other paperwork sorted out. So, depending on how you look at it, I made $2,000 for just ten minutes worth of 'work.'"
"Somehow, my boss's rich friend found out about all this. He decided he wanted a new SUV. 'OhYeahThrowItAway, you have to buy it for me!' I told him the last time I bought someone a vehicle, I got paid $2,000. The friend was basically like F'k it, I'll pay you $3,000, just get it for me' and then he emailed me his wish list."
"That deal took a little longer, maybe two weeks."
"I made $5k extra in just two months buying vehicles for lazy (or dumb) rich people."
Staying Out Of The Picture
"I was paid $300 to move my car for a movie that was filming by my apartment."
– dragoblaster666
Pack It Up
"Got paid 10k to leave an apartment because it was sold and new owner wanted to move in. I was tenant (renter) under previous owner. I had 4 months left in my rental contract. This was in Spain (Barcelona)."
European Vacation
"I was flown to Paris to do a compliance audit, the systems weren't set up for the audit, couldn't get access so spent the week being taken to restaurants and shopping. On 1 of the days and at the last minute the company decided to send me to London for a meeting, literally just to meet people. I missed the Eurostar because I forgot my passport (totally blanked that I was entering another country), they had to rebook the Eurostar. Nothing was achieved out of this trip. No audit was completed. Nothing came of the meeting. The cost to the company 25k+ for me to do nothing for a week. Corporate money is ridiculous money."
– _Justag1rl_
Not much labor was required for these so-called "jobs."
Ten-Minutes Of "Work"
"I used to work for a PR agency. Every month one of our clients wanted a handful of photos re-sized for their website; nothing fancy, just setting the width to 500px in Windows Photo Manager."
"It was maybe ten minutes of work every month, but the contract said the minimum amount of time we would charge them for was one day - and this was for the full team too, not just me. It must have cost them several hundred pounds every month."
"I showed the client how to do it several times, and explained that they could save a lot of money doing it themselves. They didn't seem to mind."
"In the end I made sure I got it in writing that I'd informed them of their options and let them get on with it."
– TheRainyDaze
Thank You, Goodbye
"$175 to do some kind of user study at Netflix, I show up in the lobby and then they go, 'actually we got the data we needed from the studies earlier today, you're free to go!'. Still got paid!"
– Lycid
Hush Money
"I did an event for a national association for deaf people at which they did every presentation in ASL. I am an audio engineer, who specializes in live sound and concerts. I did nothing for 5 days of show, $450 a day."
– murter95
Paid To Play
"I got asked to do 2 hours of barrier watch (Guarding a barrier ribbon while a crew did x rays inside a power plant). This was asked last minute after a 12 hour shift so the bonuses of staying happening to be a Sunday, etc I was being paid $110 to stand and play on my phone and make sure sure nobody tried to pass all the DO NOT ENTER DANGER DANGER signs during a time of day with minimal personnel."
– Hotel29
Movie Scene Dance GIF by FandorGiphyGotta Have Wendy's
"I was driving for uber. Picked up a bunch of drunks at like 2 AM. They were like 'Yo we gotta grab some Wendy' I go 'I'm sorry this is my busy period' they go 'Can we bribe you?' I go 'Absolutely you can bribe me.'"
"One the guys said I'll give you $100...I was shocked it was that high, another guy said '$150' and finally his wife said 'F'k it I want Wendy $200 and we buy you Wendy too.'"
"I finally said yes, FYI I hadn't said yes yet because the reality is $20-$40 would have gotten me to stop at Wendy."
"So there I sat at Wendy as those 3 drunks bought me wendy and paid me $200."
– luther_williams
Substitute Chef
"One time I was at this super fancy dinner party. I'm talking servers and everything, I was in a freaking tux! It was outside and catered by a professional bbq company. I mean these guys had won international competitions. Well get this, they were double booked and didn't show. The other servers didn't know how to grill, and this totally smokin server in her 30s is just staring at the grill like a deer in the headlights. Well I don't want to be a hero but I ask if I can help. The entire staff spend the rest of the night bringing me drinks as I make this bbq and NOBODY realizes the award winning chefs didn't show up!"
– Train3rRed88
Where Do We Apply?
"Ok this wasn't a job or anything.... But I got 10$ to eat half a watermelon."
Some opportunities present themselves.
When I was a kid, I hung out at a Japanese summer festival booth where you roll a bowling ball on a track that had two hills. The objective was to push the ball hard enough to get it over the first hill but not too hard to get it over the second hill.
I was fascinated with the challenge and stayed there for a long time as my parents were over by the food booths with their friends.
It was a slow day, and the dude working the booth wanted to peace out for a bit, so he offered to pay me $50 to "hang out" in his stead.
Of course, I said "sure."
No one ever came, and I earned fifty bucks rolling bowling balls for an hour. Was it the dumbest thing I ever did for money? Maybe, but I laughed all the way to the piggy bank that day.
That guy really must have despised his post enough to give a twelve-year-old kid $50.
Food is for survival. That was the plan. But over the years it has become somewhat of a way of life. Some of the most annoying people are foodies. They get so uppity about the preferences of others. Like, let me just enjoy what I enjoy.
Mom No!
Mom Smile GIFGiphy"I don't like my mom's cooking."
"Livestock have refused to eat my mother's cooking. She's a terror in the kitchen."
Take them OUT!!
"I hate walnuts in baked goods. It tastes like wood shavings and completely ruins the flavor."
"I love walnuts but I feel this way about raisins in baked goods, raisins are fine by themselves but not in sweets, I once ordered cinnamon rolls at Hardee's and bit into it and found out there were raisins in it, and I was grossed out and didn't want to eat it. At least freakin' McDonald's serves real cinnamon rolls without freakn' raisins!"
The Fart Ingredient
"I don't like kidney beans except in chili."
"I don't even really like them in chili. I'd rather have pintos in everything."
Oh thew Crunch...
"Pickles and onion make the best sandwich. I make most of my own pickles from stuff I grow or get from local farms in the fall, but I responded to another comment with two different heinous concoctions I enjoy. Crunchy, salty, sour. I really like pickles and onions to begin with."
"I use more than pickled cucumber though. Like the last one I made, I used garlic naan, mayo, red onion, scallions, pickled garlic, green olives, Kalamata olives, garlic dill cucumber, and green beans. Shallot, sour pickled onion, sweet pickled cucumbers, and sushi ginger on sprouted 14 grain bread is also also a favorite of mine."
No Sizzle
bacon GIFGiphy"I do not like bacon."
"I've been learning this over the years. If I'm gonna do bacon I much prefer the maple bacon since it's sweeter and doesn't overpower with saltiness."
- truije15
Who doesn't like bacon? That seems like a sacrilege. Right? But to each their own. Though I will never understand not loving walnuts in comfort food. Y'all need more self love.
Love the Big M
"Fast food tastes amazing, yeah its unhealthy as hell but don't you sit there and lie and say it tastes bad."
"Pisses me off when people act like they're better then McDonald's. What the hell? McDonald's is incredible and billions of people buy their food still. The same can't be said for other restaurants."
Blasphemy!
golden girls flirting GIF by HULUGiphy"Cheesecake is disgusting."
"I don't find cheese cake disgusting. It looks good. Smell delicious. Has ingredients in it that I love. But i can not eat more than one bite. It is too rich. One bite and i feel sick."
Too Many Legs
"Lobsters and crabs are giant insects."
"I don't really think that's that controversial, in my area of the world we even call this creature a 'Moreton Bay Bug' even though some fisheries try to give it the more appealing name of 'flathead lobster'."
bad bones
"Boneless wings are vastly superior to bone-in wings. I think bone-in wings are a ripoff because when you get half a pound of them, part of that half-pound is inedible. It's like if you ordered a quarter-pound cheeseburger, but the restaurant considers the weight of the plate to be part of that quarter-pound and you end up with just a slider. Just give me some damn meat."
The Slime
man oyster GIFGiphy"Oysters are truly disgusting and absurdly overpriced for quarter sized pieces of snot that tastes like salt water and hot sauce."
- C_23_s
Ok, I'm trying to stay calm. I don't want to judge. But some of these opinions... are leaving me shook. Except the oysters. That is that work of the devil. Look away...
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