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People Divulge The Worst Things To Happen In Their Small Town.

Every town, anywhere in the world, has a long and complicated history.

All the souls who have lived there and the ones there now leave an imprint on the legacy of those pieces of geography.

Generations upon generations have stories, some of them twisted and and often dark.

Not that home isn't a happy place, but we can't deny the bad.


Redditor Noahs_25 wanted to know what dark histories people can share about thei? ?, !, r h ometowns by asking:

"Redditor's who live in secluded towns, what is the darkest thing that happened in your town but is kept secret?"

Family Drama.

"My grandpa's father was murdered by the wealthiest man in town a long time ago. Not 100% sure of the exact year. Money exchanged hands with law enforcement, and nothing ever came of it. Until one day my grandpa's anger about the situation boiled over, and he threatened to kill the man in retribution. Law enforcement caught wind of it, and in order to save the coverup, forced him to leave town or be arrested."

"He moved from that small town bordering two southern states (hint, it's a mashup name of the two states into one), up to Ohio. He met my grandma, and now I exist. So at least I can blame a murderer for every bad thing that happens to me, since I wouldn't have existed without his crime."

OmnomOrNah

There was a sheriff....

"There was a sheriff in my town in rural Louisiana and he was sheriff for about 40 years. Well our parish at the time when he was sheriff had the highest rate for meth production and weed production in the state. There was this one particular meth dealer that was never arrested but somehow someone on the other side of the parish would get raided and a bunch of people go to jail but never him as it turns out is the relative of the sheriff."

Giphy

"That sheriff let meth and the money it generated control our parish for decades while he slowly got rich bought a big house new cars and always got re elected. Even though all the locals new about this no one cares cause he was a 'good man' or 'his family has been here since all the old families founded this town' or better is 'he just a good ole sheriff who keeps the drugs out of our parish.'"

"What's really sad is some corrupt public officials will use a persons meth addict family members as voter suppression or leverage in elections."

justtuna

In the Midwest....

"Small Town of about 2000-2500 in the Midwest, when suddenly about 1/4th of the population just up and left. No word, no nothing. None of them had kids or extended family and none of the papers said anything about it. This was back in maybe the late 80's."

"This happened when I was pretty young but I just remember one day one of my teachers wasn't there and I found out from my parents a ton of people had just left overnight. Most personal belongings were taken with them but mattresses and furniture was still in their houses."

"I still have no clue what that was about and when I've asked my parents more recently they said the rumor around town was that all those people worked for the CIA or FBI and were re-assigned all of a sudden."

WackyInflatableAnon

Not so Sweet Home....

"My hometown had a 'home of the KKK' sign on it's welcome to town sign until 2000 (ish? Maybe a year or two off). Smithfield NC. Idk if that was 'the' home of it, but still creepy."

informallory

The Evil CEO. 

"The CEO of our towns electric company beats his wife regularly. He ended up getting arrested for domestic violence and his beatings were pretty horrific. Everyone knows what a crap head he is. In the end he got a good lawyer and the police let him off the hook. No jail time, no fines, nothing. Forget him."

lolno-

Where to Begin....

"Coal mine country PA. Lots of stuff happens. Guy was assaulting his daughter and her friend. Went to jail for a few years. When he came back, his house mysteriously burnt to the ground with him in it. Another guy got caught selling crack to a couple of local kids (yes I'm that old). He was found in the middle of the street having been run over by a large vehicle repeatedly. A woman stole some jewelry from her elderly neighbor."

Giphy

"She lost her hand in an unknown accident. Guy beat his wife. He left town with 2 hands that were destroyed by a ball peen hammer. Teenage girl killed another girl's dog over a boyfriend. Now she sports a nasty scar across her face and is missing an eye. That and lots of smaller stuff. Justice is handled locally."

TrapperJon

Over the summer......

"Over the summer there was a guy found hanging from a tree on the sheriffs property. The sheriff disliked this young man and treated him poorly during his incarceration at the county jail. Many witnesses said that the day he got released from jail, the sheriff invited him to his secluded property and told him he could help him get back on his feet."

"2 days later, a couple of teenage boys fishing in a creek discovered the guy hanging in a tree. Authorities was notified, no investigation was done, and it was immediately ruled a suicide. This boy was a known drug addict with no family or friends, so there was really no one to press the issue."

"The local news wrote a small article on 'man found dead from apparent suicide' and then it was hush hush after that... It's just one of those things we will never know."

xPoisonGirlx

Total Stephen King Character.

"The 'doctor' who tried all these wacky treatments to save his young patient from tuberculosis and became infatuated with her. After she died he eventually robbed her grave, mummified her and lived with her body for seven years before being found out. Did not go to jail and lived his years out in town I believe."

HighOnGoofballs

Giphy

The Ghost Town. 

"Every one knows about the 'fun' part of Centralia PA. The spooky mine fire. The ghost town. Etc. What most don't know about was how divided the town became and how they ganged up on The kid who fell in, Todd. How they harassed him and accused him of lying for political gains. He was just a little kid who suffered a near death experience and his own neighbors started a smear campaign against him.

Angsty_Potatos

Bombs Away...

"Not so much a dark secret but my town houses a bombing range that is still in use. No one has ever met anyone who works on it, no kids at school ever parents who work there. We never see planes or anything but there is a guard at the gate. What was truly odd is that if you ask a resident about it we all say the same thing, 'oh the bombing range, there's nothing out there.'"

allaboutthatpuc

The Chicken Plant.

"In the early 1990s, a town in my small county in the southern US had a fire in a chicken processing plant. When workers tried to escape, it became apparent that the fire exits and other exits had been locked. Dozens of people died around the exits in desperation in a town of around 2000. Our state suppressed the investigation, due to lobbies, and families received almost none of the compensation funds. Pretty sure there's a song about it."

Irarhet

Giphy

The Slumber. 

"My mom told me this story once that back when she was growing up in a small farming community in Ohio, there was some kind of neighborhood party attended by a bunch of families with kids all around the same age. All the kids (including herself) had this like big slumber party in the basement."

"They wake up the next morning and one of the kids is found in the middle of the road, having been hit with a truck, but with his whole body zipped all the way up in his sleeping bag. None of the kids owned up to doing and it the adults could never figure it out either. After a while people just started moving on with their lives and everyone pretty much forgot about it."

"I didn't mean for this get attention and I can't reply to all of you, so I'll just say: this would be in Celina, Ohio around 1972, if anyone can find sources on it, go for it. I did some Googling and couldn't really come up with anything. And some of you I think are right - my mom said she probably thinks it was a prank that went terribly wrong."

classictom

The Missing. 

"Several young boys (age 9-11) went missing in the village and it was suspected that a group of boys from the same school were responsible. They were heard talking about it on two occasions, about how they kill whoever they don't like. However, their parents apparently attested that they never let them out of sight outside of school hours."

"This group of kids was known for skipping school to sniff glue and and drink alcohol btw, but their parents obviously denied it. Only one of the 6 missing kids was ever found, in a creek, with injuries like he was stoned to death. Police said he fell down the creek accidentally, though. This was about 20 years ago in Europe btw."

DoodieDialogueDeputy

Allenstown. 

"Nothing with me but when my mom was a kid she lived near a state park in New Hampshire. It's called bear brook. In the 80s multiple dismembered body parts were found in a blue barrel. An investigation happened but the killer was never found. In the early 00s another barrel was found, dating back to the time of the first barrel. The killer was recently found. His name was Robert Evans. The park is in Allenstown if you want to look it up."

taavicarbone

Family Men. 

"A father held his wife at gunpoint and threatened to shoot her in the head in front of their ~7 year old daughter. Went on a wild police-chase. He still lives in the town. There also was another dad who abused his wife and their children. Still lives here as well."

please_call_me_Steve

"My uncle was in a standoff with the cops for something like 18 hours with a shotgun pointed at his stepson and wife. He was threatening to kill them and himself. He just stayed a night or two in jail to 'cool off.'"

thaaaaatlady

The Teacher. 

"When my mom was growing up, a teacher and his wife were killed by an axe murderer. Someone broke into their house and killed them in the middle of the night. They found the husband in the house and the wife in the woods behind it, indicating that she tried to escape and was chased down. Really gruesome stuff."

"The attack was seemingly random, and they never caught the person responsible. My elementary school was named after the teacher, which wouldn't necessarily be morbid except for the fact that there was a dedication plaque that mentioned his murder. In an elementary school. The 90's were wild."

HicSunctLeones

Copland. 

"In the 80's and early 90's my town was run completely by dirty cops. Drugs were run by the cops and people who didn't do as they were told would go mysteriously missing and eventually, most of them, wind up dead. It took the Feds to clean the place up and install a new set of clean cops."

"Edit: I've been getting a lot of questions about the Copland movie. I've never seen it, but I googled it and no, it's not there. I'm not gonna say the town name of where I'm from because it's an "everyone knows everyone" one of town, but I'm from a small town in California and still live there. This all happened before my time and I was told about it by people who lived through it. My best friend's dad being one of them."

xTGI_CommanderX

Any town USA.

"It's still happening in my town. This specific event happened directly in my gated neighborhood. A member of a Russian gang got his house shot up before they went inside to finish the job. My wife saw them drag out the body. Organized crime bosses live in my town and the 2 neighboring towns. I live in NJ."

"Edit: gettin' asked a lot about where exactly. Millburn, Westfield, Shorthills, Springfield. I live in one of those towns. That's all I feel comfortable saying lol."

Giphy

Losing your Head. 

"So there is this building that used to be a hotel and one day this guy shows up and he takes multiple trips going in and out with a bunch of equipment. They found him a little while later in his room. He had assembled an entire guillotine and cut his head off."

Dark_Helmet78

Super Drunk. 

"A family friend was super drunk, he was walking home and fell unconscious on the road at the bottom of a hill. Another family friend (small town so we all knew each other) was driving home late, he heard a thump and a crunch when he went over a hill."

"He got out of the car thinking he hit a wallaby or something, he instead found his friend dead. Everyone decided to forget what he did, because it really wasn't his fault, there was no way he could have seen him asleep at the bottom on the hill in the middle of the road, it was at such an angle that the headlights didn't spot him."

"It's a bit weird this has come up because I drove past a super drunk dude just a few hours ago on my way home from work, he was drunk and stumbling on the road, he fell over and lost a thong (flip flop to you Americans). I called the police and told them, they said they'd pick him up and take him home where he would be safe, didn't want a repeat of what happened back in my hometown to happen to that random drunk guy."

The-Goat-Lord

Doctor Who?

"I was delivered by a serial killer doctor. I don't remember all the details but he was killing patients in Canada."

mitternacht_d

"Yeaaah, there are actually quite a few of them. Nurses, too!"

Deceasedtuna

Giphy

'boys being boys'

"Was in a teeny town in the middle of Nebraska and the chief of polices son beat the f**k out of my little brother with the local high school wrestling team. we tried to report it and the cops basically intimidated my mom to back off because it was 'boys being boys' instead of assault."

Literallyagoblin

"Mafia"

"Small northern English town. We have a local 'Mafia' who collude and control all the property in the town centre. They are an estate agent, a retired estate agent and a publican who buys up every small property to add to his 'empire' of tourist accommodation."

Diplodocus114

Bad Neighbor

"My childhood town was very small. About 1000 people maybe. Our neighbor had kids, and then was arrested for the discovery of a meth lab in their basement. Parents went to jail, kids went to foster care. Still don't know how they are doing to this day."

fall-fall-away

Heidi Klum Wow GIF by Lifetime Giphy

Small towns have their secrets.

Fewer people doesn't mean less drama.

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Old Wives' Tales People Still Believe For Some Reason

"Reddit user the_spring_goddess asked: 'What is an old wives tale that people still believe?'"

Close up of an owl tilting their head to side, looking bewildered
Photo by Josh Mills

The old wives' tales.

They are the stories of legend.

I think we all need a big DEEP Google dive though.

Where did they originate?

WHO ARE THE OLD WIVES!

You don't hear about them as much anymore.

It's like science and logic are suddenly a thing.

But they sure are a good way to keep your kids and their behavior in line.

Redditor the_spring_goddess wanted to discuss the tall tales we've all been fed through life, so they asked:

"What is an old wives tale that people still believe?"

"Wait an hour to swim after eating."

What a crock!

So many summer hours wasted.

I want revenge for that one.

Say Nothing

Giphy

"An undercover cop has to tell you he's a cop if you ask him."

LonelyMail5115

"Pretty much most advice when it comes to cops are old wives tales. I’m not even a cop but most of the advice you hear is pretty off."

I_AM_AN_A**HOLE_AMA

Say Something

"That you have to wait 24 hours to report someone missing."

Severe_Airport1426

"I really think this one is important and should be the top regardless. As it’s a piece of advice that needs to be relearned and the only way to do that is through awareness."

crappycurtains

"This used to be true. I think they changed it after some guy named Brandon went missing back in the '80s or '70s. You used to have to wait 24 hours if the missing person was an adult because they had 'a right to be missing' and then everyone realized that was stupid and stopped doing it."

AlbinoShavedGorilla

Body Temps

"That drinking ice cold water after eating oily foods will solidify the oil and permanently remain in your body. I informed my coworker that if your body temperature ever reached that point, you’d have bigger problems than weight gain."

chriseo22

"Oh, I have a cousin who 100% believed this. One of those guys who believed every early 2000s internet rumor and old wives tale. One night I chugged a big glass of ice water after dinner and he started freaking out and saying my guts were gonna harden."

"I sarcastically told him to drive me to the hospital if that happened. Obviously, nothing happened and the next morning I said something like 'Thanks for being on standby in case my guts filled with hardened oil.' He just walked off muttering under his breath."

apocalypticradish

Arms Down

"When I was pregnant, I was told by young and old alike that I should NOT raise my arms above my head or exert myself in such a manner because it could cause cord strangulation to my unborn sons and daughters."

Fatmouse84

10 Years Actually

Unimpressed Uh Huh GIF by Brooklyn Nine-Nine Giphy

"Chewing gum stays in your stomach for 7 years."

REDDIT

"I remember accidentally swallowing a piece of gum when I was a kid in like 1995 and just accepting my fate like welp, gonna have this in my stomach til high school I guess."

Gecko-911

I was so afraid to sallow my gum when I was young.

This tale is haunting.

High/Low

Hungry Debra Messing GIF by Will & Grace Giphy

"You can tell the sex of the baby by how you carry."

LeastFormal9366

"Pregnancy certainly wins awards for the most old wives tales. So much absolute BS was repeated to us by everyone we talked to."

IllIIIlIllIlIIlIllI

The Cursed

"If you’re a woman and you wear opal jewelry but opal is not your birthstone (October), you’ll never be able to have children, or will be widowed, or just generally have bad luck or something. You can counteract this by having a diamond in the same piece of jewelry as the opal, though."

"I have a nice opal ring that my parents gave me years ago, and I’ve had other women give me this 'advice' unprompted more than once when I’ve worn it. I have absolutely no idea where it started, but I’m pretty sure this little chunk of silicate rock has no concept of what month I was born in, let alone of how my reproductive organs work."

SmoreOfBabylon

Stay In

"Going outside with wet hair will make you get pneumonia. Or an earache. Or maybe arthritis. Depends on which old wife you listen to."

"Jokes on them - I haven't blow-dried my hair in decades and usually leave the house with wet hair in the morning. On winter mornings, the tips of my hair get frozen. No ear infections or pneumonia or arthritis yet."

worldbound0514

Dreams and Facts

"You never make anyone up in your dreams you've seen everyone in your dreams somewhere else before and never make anyone up entirely."

"How would you possibly prove that to be true? My partner adamantly believes this and tells me this 'fact' whenever I have a dream about someone I've never met before."

mattshonestreddit

"My late wife used to tell me that before she met me she would have dreams of standing at an alter on her wedding day but could never see the guy's face, no matter how hard she tried. After meeting me the face was filled in with mine. Don't know if it's true but one of those things I like thinking of every now and then when I miss her."

Darthdemented

Cracked

Getting Ready Episode 2 GIF by The Office Giphy

"Some people still believe cracking knuckles causes arthritis."

Choice-Grapefruit-44

"There's a doctor (Donald Unger) that cracked his knuckles a couple of times a day for 60 years, but only on one hand, just to prove it. Both hands remained exactly the same."

MacyTmcterry

I love my knuckles.

Do you have any tall tales to add to the list? Let us know in the comments below.

lottery tickets
Erik Mclean on Unsplash

A lot of workers daydream about some day winning the lottery and being able to say goodbye to their job.

Far too many workers are unhappy with their job duties, workplace dynamics or company culture.

But with a taste for luxuries like housing and food, they keep plugging away, year after year.

However not everyone feels that way about their job.

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Therapist talking during session
Photo by Mark Williams on Unsplash

Some people stand firmly stand behind their beliefs that everyone would benefit from therapy and that therapy is life-changing.

It's because of the totally life-changing truth bombs their therapist had dropped during their sessions.

Curious, Redditor anonymiss0018 asked:

"What is a little bombshell your therapist dropped in one of your sessions that completely changed your outlook?"

Communication Issues

"'If you don’t have these problems with any other person in your life, why do you think you’re the problematic person in this one?'"

- maggiebear

"I love this. I have a 'friend' who I always seem to run into misunderstandings with. Every time we had a conversation, it somehow turned into a debate even if it was me talking about my day. The conversations were never easy."

"I always evaluate myself first and take into consideration his critiques. He was very good at convincing me that I was contradicting myself or wasn't good at communicating my thoughts."

"I NEVER had this issue with ANYONE else in my life. I kept trying to figure out where the miscommunication was coming from. In the end, I just minimized contact and now I don't run into this issue."

- chobani_yo

"I read this quote somewhere once (and probably have it a bit wrong): 'It's a waste of time arguing with someone who is determined to misunderstand you.'"

- Reddit

Emotional Regulation

"'You can’t control your emotions, but you can control what you do with them.'"

"At the time, I was a young adult who had learned zero healthy emotional regulation skills (only suppression and shaming) growing up, so this blew my mind."

- lil_mermaid

Tough Relationships

"'It sounds to me like you are trying to convince yourself to stay with your girlfriend. I'm not so sure it should be so difficult.'"

"At the time he said this, I remember it was like he said, 'The earth is flat.' I thought he was crazy when he suggested relationships don't need to be difficult. But eventually, I started to realize I was trying to change myself to stay with this person rather than just being who I am."

"It took me three more months to finally break up with her but from that day on, I vowed to never again abandon myself just to be with someone I had convinced myself was better than me."

- metric88

High-Stress Situation

"I was at a high-stress time, and I asked her how people live like this."

"She replied, 'Oftentimes they have cardiac events.' She said it as an urging to care for myself as much as possible."

- KittenGr8r

The End of Alcohol

"I was struggling with my alcoholism, and we were discussing how I had been cutting back."

"She asked what I would consider success, with regard to my drinking."

"I said I wanted to get to a point where it wasn't interfering with my daily life. I wanted to just be able to have a glass of wine at holiday dinners or family gatherings."

"She simply asked me why. Why was it important for me to drink at those times?"

"It was as if she'd turned on a light. Alcohol had always been a key ingredient in every family function, for my entire life. When I smell bourbon, I think of my uncle. When I smell vermouth, I think of my dad. Alcohol ran through almost every happy childhood memory."

"But, even more than that, I was very afraid of the explanation I'd have to give when family and friends asked why I wasn't having a drink. I had tried to quit before but failed. What if I admitted my problem, only to fall off the wagon?"

"When she asked why I didn't want to completely quit, it was the first time I saw that last part of the big picture. I'd be willing to drink myself to death in order to avoid being scrutinized, or judged for possible future failures."

"That was the day I quit. I've been sober since May 6th, 2017. 2,407 days."

- sophies_wish

Acceptance vs. Enjoyment

"'Accepting something doesn’t mean you have to like it.'"

"That took away a lot of my inner conflicts about situations because I could accept a situation without expending energy internally fighting against the injustice of it."

- alibelloc

Emotionally Immature Parents

"You are not responsible for your parents' emotional wellbeing. They are independent adults who have been on this earth for many more years than you."

- SmokedPears

Not So Lazy

"'Why do you think you're lazy?' Then she listed off all the things she knows I'm doing for my family, my job, and my life."

"It kind of blew my mind when I struggled to come up with an example."

"She also described family dysfunction as water. Some families are messed up in a way that everyone can see the huge waves across the surface. Others are better at hiding it, but there's still a riptide that you can't see unless you're also in the water."

"It made me realize that trying to keep the surface from ever rippling doesn't erase what is happening underneath."

- flybyknight665

The Harm in People-Pleasing

"'Why do you make people more comfortable when you are uncomfortable?' when talking about people pleasing and fawning."

- ERsandwich

Agree to Disagree

"'Stop trying to get everyone to agree. When you need everyone to agree, the least agreeable person has all the power.'"

This really changed my outlook on planning family events."

- freef

Grieve and Start Anew

"For context, I had a major TBI (traumatic brain injury), seizures, strokes, and all around not a fun brain time when I was 28."

"They said, 'You have to grieve the loss of yourself.'"

"Most people wanted me to go back to how I was. The f**ked up truth is that part of my brain is dead. The person everyone (including myself) knew died. I needed to grieve the loss of myself."

- squeaktoy_la

Multifaceted Identity

"They told me that my job and career is just a way to make money; it's not my life or identity. That took a lot of pressure off me."

- unfairpegasus

Breaking the Cycle

"They validated me."

"'You always talk about not wanting to do to your daughters what your mom did to you. You worry about it so much in every interaction you have ever had with them."

"But your children are 19 and 21 now. They are happy and healthy and they trust you because you’ve never abused them in any way. So I just want to validate for you that you really have broken that cycle of violence."

"You did that. And you should be proud of it. I’m proud of you for it.'"

- puppsmcgee74

The Grieving Process

"I was constantly bringing up how I felt like a completely different person after my mom died... like there was a marked difference between before and after her death."

"But once, she was asking about my hobbies, I got really into describing all the things I loved to do or at least used to do before I got into a deep depression."

"She was like, 'Wow, you seem very passionate.'"

"And I just sat there like, 'Well, I mean, I can't change what I like to do, they're still fun to do.'"

"And it's like she knew when to take a step back, because it was like, wow, I may be super depressed about my mom passing, but I'm still me. I'm still my passions and those don't go away."

"I don't know, maybe it only makes sense to be, but it really started getting me back on track."

- Hannibal680

Sharing the Load

"I've never really had friends. I've had colleagues and classmates and housemates and people who have hung out with me, but I never really felt close to any of them."

"And I did that thing you see on here sometimes; I stopped reaching out to see if I would be reached out to, and I wasn't, which I took as confirmation that they didn't really want me around, or at the very least, that they wouldn't mind my absence."

"I was talking to my therapist about people I'd been close to in college, and she told me to pick one and talk about him. So I did. After I shared some basic stuff like his name and his major etc., and a couple of anecdotes, she asked me what else I knew about him."

"And I couldn't answer. It wasn't really a broadly applicable bombshell, but she said, 'What else?' and I started crying because I realized that for as simple as the question was, my inability to answer spoke volumes."

"I've never had good friends because I've never been a good friend. I'm withdrawn and reserved and I always made others do the work to drag me out, without ever extending my own friendship in a meaningful way in return. If I wanted to have meaningful relationships with other people, I would have to build them."

"I'm still working on this, but I'm trying to make more offers and extend more friendliness to others in my daily life."

- Backupusername

The discoveries in this thread were incredibly touching and profound; it's no wonder these were lasting concepts for these Redditors.

It's important to keep ourselves open to inspiration and insights from others, as we have no idea how their experiences could help us, or how we could help them.

Two women laughing
Photo by Dave George on Unsplash

Every now and then, a friend of ours might say something, or we might overhear a complete stranger say something that makes us stop in our tracks.

More often than not, what we can't believe we just heard is something so ridiculous, we can't help but put the person who said it in their place.

Other times, however, what we just heard might have stunned us silent because of how shockingly clever it was.

Resulting in our not wanting to scold or yell at someone, but rather give them a handshake.

Redditor SubmergingOriginal was curious to hear the sharpest and wittiest things they've ever heard, from friends and strangers alike, leading them to ask:

"Enough with the dumbest; what is the wittiest thing you've ever heard someone say?"

Don't Give Me So Much Credit...

'I was on a team at work that was on a project working insane overtime."

"One night after an 80-90 hour week, we were all sitting around the table trying to finish up so we could go home."

"Around 11, my buddy's wife called, dubious about the hours he'd been keeping."

"We heard her through the line - 'are you cheating on me?'"

"Exasperated, he looked at our boss, then replied 'honey, if I was cheating on you, I would have been home by now'."- lionbatcher

Eternal Optimism...

"Asked a blind guy if he'd been blind his whole life."

"He said 'Not yet'."- Feeling_Mode_6465

Free time Isn't The Only Thing He Has On His Hands...

"My brother got a vasectomy and when the doctor was releasing him and giving him instructions (with the nurse listening in), one of the orders was to 'come back and have a follow-up appointment after you’ve ejaculated 30 times'.”

"Without missing a beat my brother asked 'what time do you open tomorrow?'”

"The nurse couldn’t keep it together after hearing that."- UtahUtopia

Awkward Season 8 GIF by The Office Giphy

Double Whammy!

"My pal uses the phrase 'he doesn’t look strong enough to carry information' and it cracks me up every time."

"Calling someone stupid and weak in one fell swoop."- JennyW93

Can't Hide Your DNA...

'Whenever I jokingly insult my mum, she says 'that must be where you get it from'."

"She cracked the code."

"I can never offend her without offending myself."- JennyW93

Self-Sufficient!

"My brother was a line cook at a New Orleans restaurant."

"My mom was in town, staying at a fancy hotel, and he stopped by after work, still wearing his kitchen whites."

"He was reading a newspaper in the lobby waiting for her to come down when the shocked lobby manager sputtered at him, 'MAY I HELP YOU!?!?'

"He answered, 'thanks, but I know how to read',” and went back to his paper."- jobrody

Morph Current Affairs GIF by Aardman Animations Giphy

A Miracle!

"My brother-in-law’s comment."

"The entire family went out for my mother’s 80th birthday and after the meal we all went to a local park, largely occupied by the elderly, to rest."

"My mother needed crutches at this point, and they were resting against her bench."

"My 10-year-old niece, who looked like every starving waif image from Dickens, grabbed the crutches and started hobbling round the park."

"All the OAPs were following her progress with looks of pity until my brother ran up behind her, and kicked away the crutches."

"There was an audible gasp from round the park and then my niece picked the crutches back up and started chasing my brother, clearly intending to hit him."

"In the confused silence my brother-in-law’s voice rang out 'Praise be! She can walk again!'"

"We still think this was the highlight of the birthday celebrations."- DdraigGwyn

Still Legal, Whichever Way You Cut It...

"I picked up my pleasantly tipsy boyfriend from a nightclub."

"We were stopped by the Police for a random breath test."

"They asked me my age, and I said, 33."

"My bf blurted out '33? You told me you were 22'."

"Police just laughed and let me go."- Aggravating-Corgi379

Music Video Police GIF by Andrew W. K. Giphy

A Bit Too On The Nose?

"Business law class in college years ago, talking about the issues that black Americans had before the Civil Rights."

"Amendment, trying to travel through the south with the discrimination so rampant, trying to find restaurants to serve them and decent lodgings."

"My instructor was posing a hypothetical: 'So you pull up out front of this place, you're exhausted from driving for hours, and you see the sign out front says 'Ku Klux Klan Motel'."

"'What would you expect to find there?'"

"Without missing a beat, from the back of the room came this gem: "'Extra sheets in every room?'"- NedsAtomicDB

Not Yet, Anyway...

"I was working with my friend and his dad."

"My friend (26) heard an ice cream truck near where we were working."

"He asked his dad if he could have a couple dollars."

"His dad asked, 'what for?'"

"My friend told his dad that there was an ice cream truck in the neighborhood, and that they were playing music."

"My friends dad told him "'They don't charge anything to listen to the music'."- tatersalad1234567890

Words Escape You In The Literal "Heat" Of The Moment...

"A friend of mine is a teacher and her husband is known for his wit."

"She told this story to him:"

"One day at school a kid took the hall pass and returned reeking like smoke."

"She asked the kid if he’d been smoking and he denied it over and over."

"She was about to send him to the office when she noticed smoke coming from somewhere."

"She told the kid and he realized that he didn’t put his cig out completely and it was burning in his pants pocket."

"The kid noticed and frantically tried to put it out and someone finally poured water on it."

"Her husband sat listening to this with a weird look on his face."

"She asked him what was wrong."

“'What’s wrong???'"

"'This was probably the only chance you’ll have in your life to say literally, ‘liar,liar, pants on fire’ and you missed your chance'."- Luder714

On Fire No GIF by PEEKASSO Giphy

Amazing What You Might Say A Few Drinks In...

"When I went to a renaissance faire once, I went to a beer tent and ordered a Newcastle Brown Ale (seemed the most fitting for the surroundings)."

"The beer wench, without skipping a beat, said, 'Everyone wants a Newcastle - no one wants to remodel!'"- jayhof52

Read The Room People!

"My dad wiped out when skiing down a mountain and lost a ski."

"After a few minutes of hunting for it, he gives up, slings the one remaining ski over a shoulder and starts walking down the mountain in his ski boots."

"About half-way down, another skier stops and goes 'Gee! Did you lose a ski?'"

"My dad instantly replied 'No, I was out for a walk and found one!'"- PeterJoAl

There's a reason your mother always told you to "use your words".

As clever remarks can have a much more lasting effect on people than a push or shove.