Quite the Bone 

"A client of mine has a Doberman girl that once got stuck in a doorway because she was carrying a long bone and couldn't figure out on her own how to proceed."

"Ever since that incident, this dog won't walk through any door no matter how wide as long as she's got anything in her muzzle, be it a bone or a tiny little cracker."

"She is sweet, but really dull."

-- Kleene_Dilljurke

Unobservant and Phobic 

"I work with dogs professionally but the dumbest one I ever met was one of mine. He was a very large Great Dane who somehow developed a fear of hardwood floors."

"The worst part is he would walk through a hallway or room without realizing it was hardwood, and then as soon as he realized it he would sit himself down and refuse to move anywhere."

"I miss the idiot"

-- Galacticheartofgold

Give Them an Inch...

"I volunteered for an organisation training guide dogs for blind people. One of the dogs graduated training and was assigned to a blind young lady. It costs €40,000 to get the dog trained to this point. Dog successfully guides her to work every day safely with no problems."

"Then it's pissing rain one day so her dad asks her to collect her and the dog and drop them to the office. The next day the dog just refuses to work and literally never worked a day again for her."

"I think it just didn't see the point when she could get in the car if she wanted!! "

-- whatever_the_f***_

Bruce the Golden Sniffer 

"Bruce. A big old bloodhound who, on multiple occasions, would stick his nose right under other dogs while they peed." -- DavidWestSideStory

"My dog is so submissive that he let a bigger, meaner dog pee all over him while he grinned. If he could talk he would've said, 'Look mom! I made a friend!'" -- NeedsMoreTuba

Trouble With the Back Half 

"My boyfriend walks a large Dalmatian who is the most uncoordinated dog I've ever seen. He just can't jump. Has no sense of what his back legs are doing."

"When my boyfriend comes to pick him up he tries to get into the van by jumping normally with his front legs but fails to follow through with the back, so just stands excitedly leaning on the floor of the van, doing frantic tippy-taps with his back feet on the ground outside."

"And he's a big dog, he could step right in without even jumping."

"No amount of showing him by actually moving his limbs has made it click for him, so he does his partial jump then one of us hoists his butt end in too."

-- Semele5183

Howling at Herself 

"Used to volunteer at a Human Society and I remember this one dog who was terrified of shadows."

"The kicker? This was an akita/husky mix so every time she saw a shadow she would howl loudly till the shadow went away."

"Last I knew she got adopted by a farmer and was happily chasing cows."

-- WaYaADisi1

A Paradoxical Reaction 

"I used to work at a shelter, so I guess this counts. One of our dogs had excitement-induced narcolepsy (called cataplexy). So, he'd fall asleep whenever he was too happy. Playing with other dog? Fall asleep. It snowed? Fall asleep. Get people food? Fall asleep."

"We adopted him."

"In a home, we figured out he was afraid of doorways. This doof would turn around and walk backwards through doorways instead because that was less scary."

"He was also no fan of hardwood floors or ceiling fans. Solid 50lb of staffy, biggest coward ever."

"He was the best dog."

-- foolhardywaffle

Crossing Wires 

"Was walking a golden lab and this poor dog smelled something interesting. Decided to pee on it and lifted his leg."

"Mid pee decided to smell it again and ended up peeing on his own face. Dog was something else."

-- ARKITIZE_ME_CAPTAIN

A Quick and Relentless Wagging 

"My mom's pit/lab mix is dumb. He has a crazy long tail and it wags at like 35 mph."

"The other day he was wagging his tail and it was smacking the edge of the fridge. It hurt, he whined. Instead of moving or holding his tail still he just stood there whacking it against the fridge and whining."

"I finally moved him away from the fridge and he sat and licked it for a while. He's a good boi, but he ain't bright."

-- J_DayDay

Baby Steps 

"My sister's dog was dumb. One day I decided to teach it to sit on command, the way I had taught a couple of other dogs. So, every time I brought him in from the backyard I'd get a treat from on top of the refrigerator and go through training."

"It took much longer than I thought it would, but eventually the dog would sit on command."

"Then I discovered it only knew what 'sit' meant when he was facing the refrigerator. So, more training, Every time I brought him in, I'd have him face a new direction until he made the connection and would sit on command."

"Then I discovered he only knew how to do it in the kitchen."

"A dumb, dumb dog."

-- suddenly_satire

Round 2!

"I work in a vet clinic and a dog ate a soft cloth foreign object. We were able to induce vomiting and keep the dog from getting an obstruction."

"Immediately after hurling up the object without a moment's hesitation tried to eat it again so I had to pry it out of his teeth. Dumb."

-- wiskybizniss

Worst Guard Dog of All Time

"I used to pet sit a German Sheppard who I lovingly called Space Cadet. She was really good at following directions, but if I stopped giving her things to do, or stopped moving myself around, she would just disappear somewhere in her little doggy mind."

"Once her owner forgot to give me the key before she left for a long weekend so I had to break into the house. She didn't react until I called out for her. She had no sense that something was off about my entering. All she noticed was that her friend was in the apartment and it was time to play."

"I miss that dog."

-- moonshineboom

Hope You Enjoyed Em, Harvey

"I work with dogs professionally however the dumbest dog I ever met was my friend's roommates dog in college. Harvey."

"He was the absolute sweetest pup, but he was so dumb he only had room for one emotion at a time and only had 2 emotions total: happy and sad. The cat hissed at him; sad. People came inside; happy. Someone yelled; sad. Someone said his name; happy. People not giving attention; sad. Remembered he had a toy; happy."

"But the dumbest thing this dog ever did was knock a glass pan of brownies off the counter when no one was home. Harvey ate the whole thing, including the glass. The dogs whole mouth was cut up, he spent hours at the vet, and came back on sedatives. Poor dog lauded in his bed for 3 days."

-- airroe

A Stride Length of 0, or Infinity

"I briefly volunteered at our local shelter and fell in love with a little mutt called Alfie."

"He had distemper when he was a pup so wasn't quite all there."

"When he was running his back legs seemed to be in a race with his front legs, so he mostly ran sideways, and when we were having cuddle time, he would suddenly decide he didn't know me and launch clumsily into a pretty adorable 'attack'. This mainly consisted of chewing my jumper and peeing on me."

"I loved that boy so much. Thankfully he was adopted quite quickly!"

-- SquirrelsandCrayons

Yee Haw

"A wildly overweight chocolate lab we referred to as 'Bella Bighead.'"

"When I say she was overweight, I mean this dog was a furry sphere on legs with a dog head attached. She was also very affectionate, and being in a kennel w/o her owner made her anxious to say the least."

"One night, after the playroom floors had been cleaned and were thus a little slippery, we let her out with the other dogs for some exercise. Bella gets nervous. Bella decides she needs my undivided attention. Bella gets behind me, wedges her dumb, giant head between my knees and begins tunneling for China."

"The floor is too slick to get any shoe traction, so I end up stumbling backwards, landing square on Bella's oversized back."

"And that's the story of why I was caught on security camera riding a labrador like a pony."

-- BabySuperfreak

Shoot the Gap 

"My dog likes to whine for hours if the basement door isn't open. Cause his bowl of food is there. The door usually stays open but sometimes I accidentally close it."

"One time he was whining, I went to open the door and it was already open. About a six inch gap. He sat looking at me waiting for the door to open because clearly...it wasn't open far enough."

"Adorable but a giant idiot too."

-- Heavy_onthe_NightOwl

Like Clockwork

"We had a welsh terrier named Lily who came to our kennel and was always booked for group playtime. She was a show dog, apparently, which might explain why she was violently stupid."

"One of the playrooms had a big window instead of a wall to let people watch the dogs play. Lily was so fu**ing dumb she didn't realize this was a window and she full-on sprinted headfirst into it. Every. Single. Day."

-- SagiTsukiko

Primary Suspect: A Very Dumb Dog 

"Have a friend with a black lab. Dumb as rocks but a total sweetie. He wags his tail so hard that they have to keep it wrapped. He will whack it into tables, corners, whatever to the point it will start to bleed."

"I went over once and they forgot to wrap the tail and after about 3 minutes the living room suddenly looked like a crime scene from the blood splatter"

"And the dog remained clueless. He was also adopted to be a hunting dog and he's terrified of loud noises. No hunting for him."

-- ann102