Pickup lines: sometimes they work because of how truly lame they are. Others, however, are sheer perfection. But we have to credit creativity either way,
IO_Exception_e asked girls of Reddit: What's your worst pickup lines?
Submissions have been edited for clarity, context, and profanity.
10. A mood.
"Please f*ck me, I'm lonely and desperate."
9. Is it really that easy?
A girl approached me one time and just said "Hey I like your hat!"
I wasn't wearing a hat, but I instinctively reached for my head like wtf am I wearing a hat?
She called me a dumbass and I took her home later that night then we dated for almost a year.
8. This sticks with you.
"You must be a box of BD pen needles, because you are ULTRA fine!"
Yes, I work in pharmacy. Yes, I have said this to my husband. He rolls his eyes at me pretty hard.
This could also work for a type one diabetic talking with another type one diabetic.
My gag reflex is as absent as my father figure.
Let's go to my place and play Barbie. You be Ken, and I'll be the box you come in.
(I'm a dude, sorry)
Let's go to my place and play Barbie. You be Ken, and I'll be the box you come in
We can't have sex anymore I'll be laughing too much.
Licks finger and run it down the middle of the persons face from forehead to chin "Is this seat taken?"
It's so incredibly awful it's hilarious but for real don't lick your finger and touch someone because that's much more disgusting than the accompanying line.
My niece complained to my step-sister when she was being told to change her inappropriate clothes "That's no fair! You let Greg (her brother) go around with a hat that says 'Free Mustache Rides'!"
My Step sister was not too with-it: "what's wrong with that?"
Niece: "Think about it, mom? How do you sit for a mustache ride?"
"Can you hold something for me" I say sure, what? "My hand."
I tried something similar once. I asked a girl if she would hold something while I went out for a walk. She said what? So, I held out my hand.
It worked, but not long term.
4. What's the wager?
"I bet your balls are as cute as mine."
I was gonna say I'd go out with anyone after any of these previous pickup lines... and then I read this one.
I was a cocktail waitress, and as I was leaning over a gentleman to put the drinks on the table, he said "Ooooh girl, you smell nice! What is it you're wearing?!?"
"Soap! You should try it, sometime!"
The rest of his friends at the table tipped me quite well.
2. Another winner.
Is your name Little Caesar's? Because you're hot and I'm ready.
I'm using this
1. Man hands?
My favorite one lately is "Hey there. You've got great hands. They look like they'd open jars really well.
This would work on me. I am very proud of my jar opening abilities. I'd be all, 'yeah baby, you got any jars at your place you need me to open?'
Damn, I'm a very small woman who often needs help opening jars and reaching things on medium to tall shelves.
This is dirty talk that would absolutely work on me.
Life is an obstacle course in survival. Every corner we turn and every breathe we take could be our last.
Danger is abound at all times. That is why it is so important to stay vigilant. We can't take superfluous chances.
Trouble lurks in all forms. It doesn't have to be a mass murderer, the neighbor's dog can be lethal.
It's all about navigating the minefield that is life.
Redditor u/Reddit807 wanted to hear about all the times life has left us SHOOKETH to the bone by asking:
What's the scariest thing you've ever stood face to face with?
Everytime I get behind the wheel of a car, I pray. Recently it feels like everyone is driving like they're stunt doubles in Mad Max: Thunderdome. Evil and death are waiting to look us dead in the eye at any second. Others can elaborate...
"An Emu at a hobby farm that had the sudden realization "Hey, maybe I should be in charge."
"Wasn't face-to-face, more like face-to-butt, but I squatted to pee in the desert at night on a camping trip and a rattle snake started rattling about a foot behind me. Lost my mind and ran. Pee everywhere."
"Believe it or not, but an ox. Those things are huge, and look like they could stomp things into oblivion... but they are actually fairly calm."
When in Australia...
"I was snorkeling in a lake in Australia that connected to the sea, there was a Protected fish sanctuary along the part of the shore I swam near so I decided to go take a look. It was fantastic, lots of fish a few turtles and just a lot of wildlife in general. I was having a blast looking at all the fishies when they all just completely bolted and suddenly there was no wildlife I could see. I turned around to find a big ole shark staring at me from about 10 metres away."
"I was so scared that I instantly started to back up, luckily I wasn't to far out from shore and I was able to make it back safely. From what I could see from shore, it hung around for about 5 minutes before I wasn't able to see it anymore but I didn't ever go swimming there again out of pure fear."
"An aggressive 10cm tarantula."
"I kept catching it and letting it go outside and it kept coming back inside the house. I kept taking it further away and it kept coming back. Eventually I dropped it off about 1km away and it never came back. First time I tried to catch it, it hissed at me then jumped at me."
Why is it always animals and insects? How are they so brutal? Did God make them that way as a joke? If I see a tarantula you can just bury me then and there!
Be Carefulred kangaroo eating GIFGiphy
"A 7 foot tall Buck Kangaroo, he was sizing us up but there was three of us and only one of him so he moved on, Kangaroos will mess you up if you're not careful."
When in the Water
"I was out swimming in the open ocean during a boat trip. Outta nowhere this giant freaking whale swims right under me. Whales aren't scary but it was so big and so close that I was just paralyzed. I really don't know what it was that made it so absolutely horrifying but it just was."
"A huge Ethiopian hyena at a late night and alone, i was not more than 13 years of age. We stood 3 meters apart from Each other frozen for like 6 seconds, right in front of my house and then decided to run off back to the forest, which was very close. Wild times!"
In the Backwoods...
I was backwoods camping last year in early/mid September in Algonquin Park in Canada, and I woke up one morning to the skins of a twig cracking like a footstep. I peeked out over the edge of my hammock, and there was a bull moose standing about 10 feet away. I stayed very quiet and very still, and a moment later he wandered off into the woods. It was a very cool nature experience, but I don't underestimate how lucky I am that he didn't notice me there.
Old Faithfulbison GIFGiphy
"A bison. I had just parked my car in the lot for the Old Faithful Inn and gotten out."
"I turn at to see where my SO was, and saw a full grown bison maybe 6 feet away standing in the grass, doing giant buffalo things. I took a quick selfie from behind my car and Noped it towards the hotel"
Lord there is just no place safe. We have to be on guard and on point with every breath. I feel like I can't trust a neighbor, a friend or my fish. Survival is way harder than we were lead to believe. God speed y'all.
The labor of workers is what keeps the world running. As we entered into the pandemic in 2020 it became clear just how essential workers from even less glamorized jobs are to our everyday life.
While we had brief shows of appreciation and special weeks for different jobs, there are two basic things employers quickly forget would show the best appreciation of all—treating employees with respect and fair pay.
Knowing there were many people out there with horrible first-day experiences, Redditor redmambo_no6 asked the question:
“People who quit their jobs on the first day, what was your 'I'm outta here' moment?"
People from all different types of work shared the moments that made them nope right out of the job.
This was a job , not volunteer work...
“It was a petrol station and the manager wanted me to work for free until I had learned their computer systems to what he deemed a satisfactory extent. I agreed to do it, because I needed a job, and he brought me in at 7am on my first day, however he was not present to go through the training with me, so I was just standing around kind of helping out on the forecourt but not really knowing what I should be doing.”
“Not learning anything. After about an hour and a half without the manager showing up or anyone training me on anything, I decided that I wasn't going to continue to be taken advantage of and told the cashier to pass on the message to the manager that I had quit.”
“...and pull me around like it was a leash."
“I was a waitress, the only waitress, at a just opened diner. The boss didn't have me sign any paperwork. Everything was under the table. But that wasn't what made me quit at the end of the night. In order to get me where he wanted me to go, he would pinch my skirt at my upper thigh, not quite the butt but very close, and pull me around like it was a leash.”
“Needed me in the kitchen? Rather than call me. He would come out, pinch my skirt and pull to the kitchen. Needed me at the cash machine? Again, come over to where ever I was, didn't matter if I was serving a customer, and would grab my skirt to pull me.”
“That act in itself, made some customers uncomfortable. Mind you, one couple left an almost 50% tip in the end. But I think it was more out of pity and embarrassment on my behalf.”
“I was supposed to come in the next day but I called that night and said the job wasn't for me. I came in a couple days later to turn in my apron and he just took a wad of cash out of his pocket and paid me then and there. God, he was creepy. I think it was a smart move to quit.”
They wanted the nanny without the pay...
“I answered an ad for a baby sitting job. I was already working on a casual basis but it was sporadic so I thought some after hours baby sitting would be welcome extra cash. The couple were both in the military and proceeded to tell me that I would be staying in the spare room and looking after their 6 mth old child around the clock as well as doing the housework.”
“I would have one day off every two weeks. They said it is cash in hand so I could sign onto the dole (unemployment benifit) to make up the rest of the money. I left on the spot. They wanted a live in housemaid and nanny not a baby sitter and they were not able to pay for one. Why they thought it was up to me to illegally collect the dole to subsidise them I don't know.”
“I imagined working my *ss off only to be told I couldn't have a chair.”
“Worked at McDonald's years ago in their Assistant Manager training program. Had gotten hired right out of the Army. First day I met with the Store Manager where I'd be working and training and noted that she spent the majority of the time doing entry-level work and then working OT to do store manager work. She told me this was pretty common because of the type of people they'd hire."
“Her 'office' was a counter and she told me she had bought a chair but corporate made her remove it. She was really nice, worked her butt off and was intelligent and told me she'd been at McDonald's for 10 years. I imagined working my *ss off only to be told I couldn't have a chair and decided that night I wasn't going to work for a company like that."
A searing response...fez burn GIFGiphy
“A long time ago, not long after getting my papers as a chef I had an interview at a hotel for a position in the kitchen. The Executive Chef and I chatted in his office for about 20 mins, at the time I remember him coming off as very arrogant which is quite common in this field, I didn't think much of it at the time as the pay was decent and the shift was what I wanted.”
“As I was leaving his office I turned to leave through the dining room (the way I had come in) which was closed at the time it was another hour or so before service started and he says to me ‘No not that way, go through the kitchen, you're not good enough to go through the dining room.’”
“I was so surprised by what he said, I just did what he asked without a word. Later on after I had got home I phoned him up and said that after having a close look I decided that his menu wasn't good enough and that I wouldn't be accepting his offer.”
“...they got shut down after a riot...”
“I took a job at a lock down residential treatment center as I was desperate for a job. The interviewer said most of the kids were court ordered, and were a step away from juvie. The interview didn't go well so I was honestly surprised when they called me offer me the job.”
“The morning of training was going over all of the state and federal laws that governed the place, like resident rights and staff to resident ratios and the like. The afternoon was a tour of the facility where it became readily apparent that exact none of the laws we'd just covered were being followed.”
“I left at the end of the day and never came back. I had a feeling something bad was going to happen at that place. A few months later they got shut down after a riot that results in several serious injuries to both residents and staff. Glad I wasn't around for that.”
That’s got to hurt.
“I was 17 and working Pre-cast concrete. Refused to use a rusted ladder. Supervisor called me a p*ssy, got up about 7 rungs before his foot went through one, heard his foot snap as he fell. I called an ambulance and walked to my car in the parking lot."
“Me and 2/3rds of the rest stood up and walked out."Season 2 No GIF by BBC ThreeGiphy
“Answered an ad in the paper (this was the mid 90s) what seemed to be an office job making sales calls when I was in college. Did a phone interview and was called back for an in person interview."
“When I go to the interview I'm led into a room with about 50 other people and a small stage at the front of the room. We're all somewhat confused as to what is going on. Finally a guy gets on the stage and informs us that we've been selected for the opportunity to sell Cutco. Me and 2/3rds of the rest stood up and walked out."
“Anytime I see more than a dozen people for a job interview. I just nope right out. If it's not door-to-door sales paid only on commission it's some MLM. I wish some job interviews would be more forthcoming about that. Some places have outright lied to me."
Dig with your bare hands...what?
“Summer job working for a landscape architect. Got to the job site and he asked me to dig a hole in some rocky dirt. I asked for a shovel. He didn't have one. I asked for a hand spade. He didn't have one. He told me to just dig the hole with my bare hands and then he drove off to another site leaving me completely alone. I dug for a little bit and then said 'f*ck this' and left.”
“Had the job specified that I needed to supply my own tools I could've but it didn't and I wasn't going to work for somebody that expected folks to dig through hard, rocky soil with their hands.”
This company doesn’t like the U word for a reason...Strike Organize GIF by Industrial Workers of the WorldGiphy
“On the first day of working at Amazon warehouse the managers broke down to Everyone how a 15 minute break works there. Walking to the break room is 2 1/2 minutes. 10 minutes of actual break and then 2 1/2 minutes to go back to your stations. It took me 2 1/2 minutes to walk to my car and I took a forever break.“
Abusing employee's need to work isn't ok. It's 2021 and past time employers step up and do better.
People Explain Which Fictional Characters Should Have Been Slapped With A Lawsuit At The End Of The Story
My favorite movie of all time is Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. That movie slaps, aside from the presence of the evil Grandpa Joe. But I can't help but think of the number of lawsuits that would've taken place after the movie. Despite the fact that Wonka had all of the kids in his factory sign a contract, there definitely would've been a legal case involved after a kid almost drowned in a chocolate river, right?
Luckily, I'm not the only one who speculates the legalities of fictional universes. Thanks to Reddit, we can have discussions like this without looking like a weirdo at every party you go to. Because trust me, most drunk people don't want to hear about your Golden Ticket conspiracy theories. Trust me.
Why is it that most children’s movies come with some truly awful adult characters? They would’ve been the first to be slapped with a lawsuit.
I feel like this goes for most superheroes.
"The Power Rangers, they're a paramilitary group and are (almost) never officially sanctioned to operate by their relevant municipalities. They cause massive amounts of destruction from their fights and by not warning anyone about the enemies they battle."
The poor Baudelaires.Why Do You Hate Us So Much Neil Patrick Harris GIF by NETFLIXGiphy
"Pretty much every adult in A Series of Unfortunate Events."
"Given that the in universe legal system of ASOUE allows a man to marry his adopted 13-year-old daughter, coerced by a threat to her baby sister's life, under the guise of a fraudulent play, presided over by a judge unaware she is acting in an official capacity, and absolute none of this legally invalidates that marriage and the only thing that saved Violet was a loophole that a signature doesn't count if written with one's non-dominant hand, I don't have high hopes for the Baudelaires in civil court."
Do you feel it, Mr. Krabs?
"It's still running but, I can only imagine all the labor laws Mr. Krabs has broken."
Patrick- I can get my award working for Mr. Krabs
Spongebob- Yeah and at $50 dollars an hour. When I started working here, I had to pay Mr. Krabs $100 dollars an hour.
I always thought it meant Patrick was being paid that much until I realized what it really meant.
Hogwarts was a death trap.
"Vernon Dursley from Harry Potter. Child abuse, both verbally and possibly physically."
"Also, Hogwarts would have been sued I'm certain by multiple parents on multiple occasions if it were an option in the Wizarding world. That place is a security nightmare! (credit, mugglecast for fully convincing me that security nightmare is an accurate description)."
"Cerberus chilling in a closet, basilisk wandering the pipes, ferocious textbooks that can bite, dementors wandering around, very questionable teachers including a host to Voldemort, a death eater on polyjuice, a werewolf (despite that he was a good teacher), and a ministry official that used physical (permanently scarring) punishment on students. Totally acceptable place to send your kids every year, for sure."
Weird, the movies you loved without question as a kid kinda shift your perspective as you get older.
That deleted scene would’ve helped with context.shocked jurassic park GIFGiphy
"John Hammond from Jurassic Park. His legal team would spare no expense."
"From memory, there's a deleted scene from The Lost World: Jurassic Park where that happens. It's a boardroom discussion about payouts to the families of the workers who died and to the British family that accidentally stumbled upon Isla Sorna. Because of it, the board agrees to sack Hammond and make Ludlow head of Ingen with immediate effect. Ludlow then comes up with a plan to get their money back by opening up the park in San Diego using dinosaurs from Isla Sorna. Come to think of it removing that scene kind of removes a ton of context from the rest of the film."
Hell, I wanna sue this movie for messing me up.
"The dude who ran the Truman Show"
"Funny that movie was on tv and I just watched it again. Truman would have been able to sue for hundreds of millions. Then the money and fame would get to him. I think Truman would have had a mental breakdown after leaving. He would have been one of the most famous people ever. He wouldn't understand the hounding, everyone using him wanting him to do business with them."
"Everyone knowing every single intimate detail about you. Trying to come to terms it was all fake. He would be extremely paranoid his entire life and have a complete existential crisis"
Different rules for the John Hughes universe.
"Everything that goes on with the car, hijacking a parade float, or trepassing throughout the neighborhood. Man the 80s we a different time."
It’s so wild what fictional characters get away with. It almost makes me mad, before I realize that they’re fictional and that I’ve had too much wine while bingeing these shows.
They should all be in jail.Always Sunny Fx GIFGiphy
"The gang from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia should be bankrupt from lawsuits and/or in jail by now from all the stuff they've done."
"I'd say almost 1 in 3 episodes should land one of them in jail for a couple years. With at least 1 season landing all of them in jail."
I can’t watch The Office for this reason.
"I like the episode where they hired an ex-con. He had been convicted of insider trading. Kevin later quietly confesses: 'I had him explain it to me three times. Because it sounds a lot like what I do here every day.'"
Doctors would never get away with what they do on this show.
"Every character in Grey's Anatomy."
"The amount of HIPAA violations on that show was extremely distressing I have often said I would never ever want to be a patient in that hospital."
As for Willy Wonka, I'm pretty sure the only reason why he wasn't sued was that he had to live with Grandpa Joe. And that, my friends, is a punishment worse than death
Let it be known--if you ever find yourself in a fictional universe, you can basically do whatever you want without consequences. Best of luck, and godspeed.
It's fun to sit around and pretend, isn't it?
Or maybe you win the lottery, it doesn't matter. The point is there's a lot of things you can do with a billion dollars, so with the world the way it is let's take a fun trip down imaginary lane.
What would you first do if you ever became a billionaire?
These are the people who would help the world continue running, keeping the sails on the ship and the car on the road. They spend their money responsibly, reasonably, and with caution.
Maybe a little boring, but extremely necessary.
The Bare Minimum
"Turn on double verification in my bank account"
"Bank account or bank accounts?"
Let's Put These Things In Proper Order
"Get an attorney"
"Then an accountant"
"It's so unlikely to become an accidental billionaire, but basically this, the only way to survive it is to create a company that runs your life and has multiple employees. Your attorneys, accountants, drivers and security detail. You are now the CEO of a small company that is dedicated to your safety."
Doing Things For Others As Well As Yourself
"This will sound cliche.
Take care of friends and family.
Travel for remainder of my life."
"You would be popular for taking care of your friends and it's a good thing to do, but i feel like it would get weird once the word gets out. You might suddenly find yourself surrounded by a lot of long-lost friends."
Of course, if you've been gifted billions of dollars you don't have to go down the reasonable route. Instead you could take all of your money and do something silly with it. Something obnoxious.
A Whole Lot Of Nothing
"Nothing, with that kind of money I could afford not to do anything for a while."
"Anyone with a billion dollars who is still working is a psychopath."
"Buy two senators and make them fight."
"They are surprisingly cheap; can you get a few more and let the rest of us watch?"
Start A Lot Of Beef With A Lot Of People
"I'd employ a law firm that semi-exclusively litigated my petty squabbles with the world. False advertising. Cop car paint colors. Whatever else that bothers me."
There's no explanation for these ones. They say money makes you eccentric and these people's dream purchases are proof of that idea.
Who's Gonna Stop You?
"I would never tell anyone and pull money out of my @ss when i need it."
@ss pennies do give a certain amount of confidence."
Sounds Like A YA Novel In The Making
"I'd build a Hunger Games theme park complete with an Arena and invite 24 children a year."
That's Some Fancy Ketchup, Bro
"I'd still eat Kraft Dinner but with really expensive ketchups. Dijon ketchup."
"And an emu. I bet you always wanted an emu."
Dream big. Have fun imagining your future.
Just don't dream of a death match for kids. That's probably not an ideal way to spend your cash.