First dates are already weird and awkward the majority of the time. You never really know a person until you hang out with them one-on-one, and in those cases, you can see their true colors and find out who they REALLY are.
And sometimes, they're so bad that you have to just peace out. These are the stories of such dates, courtesy of Reddit. eseohii asked:
Those who've walked out on first dates, what was your "I'm out of here" moment?
Unfortunately, we can’t completely learn about a person just through dating apps. There’s always a chance they won’t be honest.
Hey, Scorpios are cool!
“First date we are at a Japanese restaurant. She asked me my star sign, I replied "Scorpio". She leaned over the table and slapped me clean & hard across the face. Naturally I was shocked and confused, I mouthed "What...?", she firmly says "I NEVER date Scorpios".
I went to the bathroom, came back - she had gone, and paid for everything.”
“At least she paid, so at least that's something.”
Just hold it until the next bar!
uh oh poop GIF by It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
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“Legitimately when she said she needed to take a wee as we walked down a back alley to the next bar. She pulled her jeans down, TOOK A SH*T behind a bin, then searched in the bin and wiped with a sheet of newspaper.
I was totally infatuated with her after working with her for a few months and in 30 seconds it disappeared, fast.
I just don't get why she didn't wait until the next bar?!
After a few comments, I have to state, we were wasted at this point, she didn't just drop trou and squeeze in a planned brazen act of defiance, I hope."
It takes a lot of confidence to be this blatantly rude.
“She told me she was probably going to ghost me and then asked me to buy her a second drink while I was only a couple sips into mine.”
“This has ‘villain reveals their plan to the hero before the plan has succeeded’ energy.”
“Bold and aggressive” is an understatement.
“I went to the bathroom, but left my phone. She texted every girl name in my phone ‘i miss you’.”
“Bold and aggressive move to find out if there's anyone else in your life.”
Even the people we think are perfect can end up being absolutely bonkers. The only way to find out is that first date.
As a cat person, I can confirm that this is awful.
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“She had 22 cats and would just randomly take in strays. Not give them any vet care and was planning on keeping a recent litter. I love cats... I paid the bartender when she went to the bathroom and hyper walked to the door. Forwarded her contact info and a summary of what she told me to the humane society.”
Gross gross gross.
“Sadly I was inexperienced when this happened and had to wait until the end of the date but after meeting him I said I'd go and get drinks. He said ‘atta girl’ and slapped my a**.
In shock I went to the bar and got the drinks. I should have walked out of the exit immediately. He was obnoxious.”
No Netflix and chill for that girl.
“Just a nasty rude person. Maybe she had a bad day, who knows, but she said something that I just lost patience with and scooted basically mid-meal.
We went to a cool-but-not-expensive hipster-ish restaurant*, it was a Friday night and they were busy. She complained the whole time about the service being slow and then stupid for having a hard time understanding her over the loud noise, she made fun of the other customers, not in a cleverly-observational-Larry David way, just a senselessly mean and petty way.
The break point was at one point she made a comment about my appearance that in hindsight must've been meant as some flirtatious shade, but I just took that personally, and regardless of intent it was an unflattering thing to say. I wolfed my food and then signaled for the check. I waited an agonizing 5/10 minutes while it came, then stood up, threw down enough cash for my meal and a generous tip for both of us (she'd been such a monster to the servers I knew she wasn't going to tip anything), and started putting my windbreaker on.
She asked me "are you cold?" "No". "Oh. Where're we headed next then?" "Home." And when I said that she looked confused for a second, then gave me a coy look and said "oh ok, yeah, I'm down for Netflix", and, realizing what she thought I was implying, I just said "oh, no, I meant alone". Out the patio right onto the street and freedom.
* I was 23, 24 - young people reading this, do not do a restaurant for a first date unless it is someone you know/are already friends with and know there's a spark before you sit down to a meal. Go for drinks or coffee, it's cheaper, more casual and easy to conversate, it's also easier to disengage - you can pound a beer or a coffee and scoot away in seconds, unlike a meal."
Chefs Share Major Red Flags To Look For While Out To Eat | George Takei’s Oh Myyy
Ewwwww.
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“This guy and I were eating dinner after chatting for a couple of weeks, and unprompted (in the middle of something I was saying) and completely unrelated to what was being discussed, he said something along the lines of, 'So you know in order for this to work you're gonna have to share yourself right? My friends and I like to pass girls around.'
I was pretty dumbfounded and after a bit of stuttering I told him I didn't think it was going to work, asked for a to-go box and my portion of the check, and noped the f*ck outta there."
How rude.
“I had to pick him up and he complained about everything. My car, the way I drove, my music taste, why was I being so quiet while carefully plotting my escape plan. Definitely the moment he said ‘My friends really want to meet you. I need them to know you're real.’ Annnnnnndddddd that's when I bounced.”
They really do the bare minimum, don’t they?
“He spent the whole meal talking about how he only dated nurses because they were great caregivers and looked after him. He talked about his last GF who after working her shift, came over to his place, and did his laundry. I was a cook but he was willing to give me a tryout depending on how good my cooking was. We left and there was a busker outside with a crowd and we stopped to watch. I slowly edged my way into the back and then quickly walked away. He also showed up in sweatpants for an evening meal.”
To the Redditors featured in this article- how do you find these people?????
As a neurodivergent person, this makes me mad.
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“We didn't even make it to the date. She was a friend of a friend. I thought she was cute and was getting up the courage to ask. But while I was doing that, she kept sneaking up on me and making sudden loud noises in my ear or grabbing me then giggling like she thought it was quirky and cute.
I have anxiety and autism. Sudden touching and loud noises are my two worst meltdown triggers. I told her this and asked her to stop the first few times she did it. She kept doing it. That crush died fast.”
Now that’s good management.
“This guy was about 10 years my senior and very clearly on coke or another type of upper. He offered me a job where he worked, asked me to move in with him to make his ex wife jealous and refused to drive separately to the restaurant he wanted to take me to after we had drinks at a local pub.
Got to the restaurant, told management I was feeling super uncomfortable and the manager himself came up to me and told me there was a phone call for me at the front. I grabbed my purse, drank my glass of wine and hightailed it out of there.”
Well that’s just creepy.
“This is going to be lost in the comments but I just want to share.
I went on a first date with a really cute girl my age (both ladies if that matters?). Anyway, we get to a pretty popular bar/coffee shop in the area and are chatting over drinks. Honestly it was going really well at first. I'm also 100% okay with people talking about mental disorders on the first date as I have some myself and it legitimately is part of who they are/dating them. Also, as long as they are not doing it to imply I have to fix them or to excuse sh*tty behavior then I'm okay with it. If they say they did something sh*tty and then fall back on their disorder it's a no from me.
She mentioned that she had been in inpatient recently and I said I had too. She then said that the exact reason I went into inpatient was why she was in, and said she was at a specific one that I had been in and even the exact same diagnosis as me. I asked when and she told me the week I had been there. I knew for a fact she hadn't been there and it really deeply bothered me. I didn't recall ever telling her these details and usually only bring up mental health if the other person does.
Turns out she worked at a restaurant with a "friend" of mine who divulged a bit too much personal information when she showed him who she was going on a date with. Needless to say, I bounced and neither of them ever heard from me again beyond a "don't talk to me or about me" text.”
Was this person on a date with Dennis Reynolds?
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"Hoping I don't catch sh*t for this but here goes…
We were going to a fairly nice place, fully indoor restaurant. He brought his dog.
Now I LOVE dogs but knew it wouldn't be allowed in the restaurant we had picked. He used it as an opportunity to insist I go back to his house with him. I told him I would wait there while he dropped his dog off and came back and he was furious that I would suggest such a thing. I started to get really anxious because he was yelling and forcing my hand, so I told him I would follow in my car and once we were driving I totally bailed out."
How they treat service workers is usually a good indicator.
“She was rude to the waitress, and I mean really rude, not just short or impatient. I said I was going to the bathroom, walked up to the waitress, handed her some cash, said keep the change and walked out of the restaurant.”
Let this be a word of warning- if you’re going on a first date, be prepared for it to go south. Have an exit plan ready to go just in case it goes nuclear, because it’s honestly a 50/50 chance that it’ll be awkward af.
Also, when you’re on a date, be sure to not talk about your ex or sh*t outside. That should be a given.
I can tell you from experience that airplanes are not a good idea. Don't ask me how I know. A lady never kisses and tells, but highlights are ok. There will never be enough room and the movies are lying.
Like Glue...
Melissa Mccarthy Falling GIFGiphy"I lived in Australia for a bit and our studio had this black pleather couch. It looked exactly like that casting couch meme so we tried it for fun once. My ex sweats a lot even when it's not 40C out, but it was and we stuck to the couch like glue."
The Sting
"On a hike in a wildlife refuge. We went off the trail to a more remote area. Was all fun and games tell I got stung on the penis. Was after the event had ended when I was briefly exposed, the little moron went right at me. We joke about it regularly, I'd say it comes up monthly. Just out of the blue she will say "hey remember when you got stung on your penis?" Yes, I remember and will never forget."
Up a Tree
"A "treehouse" that was actually a plywood shack on 6' stilts. It was pretty old and the plywood was splintery, so he laid down an old towel for me (you know, like a gentleman.) Also it was too small for me to fit in any direction, so my head stuck out the door. I stared at the sky and just... And that's the story of how I lost my virginity! A close second would be the bed in his semi-abandoned house full of the semi-abandoned hoarded belongings of his mother. But that's a different story."
Walk Away...
"Met a girl online and we tried to do it at the park. A cop showed up before we started and told us we had to leave. We went back to our cars which was at a small shopping mall. We went behind the shopping mall and got it on behind a dumpster. It worked out well so we met up there again a week later. Except that time, as we were walking away, a dump truck picked the dumpster to empty the trash. Was hilarious at the time but frightening looking back on it. This was about 10 years ago."
Keyed Off
Piano Performing GIFGiphy"I don't recommend on top of a piano. Very uncomfortable and not at all the experience we envisioned."
Scratchy...
Screaming The Voice GIF by NBCGiphy"Bottom of cliff next to the ocean. Turns out I have an allergic reaction to coral and my back was scratched the hell up from it. It was windy, wet, and itchy. Runner up is a movie theatre."
Smoked
"In a literal smoke house... lost my virginity with about 50 rings of deer sausage hanging around to dry. My friend and his dad were gone and we were like "this seems like a great place!" At least when I went home I smelled like venison instead of sex."
"Well, if you find yourself stuck in a rut, it'll be something to fawn over."
Hey Fam...
"I'm not sure if this counts because we didn't get very far. But In a Burger King parking lot… He had a car, so we would park it someplace and hook up in the tiny little two-seater. I was sitting astride him and most of my clothes were off when he froze. I looked over my shoulder and the once abandoned parking lot was abandoned no more. A family of four were just staring at us through the windshield. We didn't know what to do so I just put my shirt back on and we drove away."
"we can hear everything"
"My childhood house had an enclosed porch that was level with my parents' bedroom window (it's hard to explain). You couldn't see into the porch from the window, but if the porch windows were open and the bedroom windows were open you could hear everything from either room."
"So my now husband and I were trying to have sex in that porch, having opened the windows cuz it was hot AH. My parents usually never opened their window and it was past ten, when they usually went to sleep. We weren't trying to be loud, but apparently we were."
"After we were done, I checked my phone and I had 5 missed calls and a text from my mother saying "we can hear everything" and "please at least use a condom". We didn't acknowledge it at the time but my mom got drunk a few years ago and told my aunt the story and said she was worried she was hearing the conception of her grandchild."
Ivy!
jerry seinfeld help GIF by HULUGiphy"After a drunken night on 6th st in Austin, girl and I were walking down red river st, she drags me in this bushy grassy area, we go at it, finish, call an Uber to west campus, continue going at it. The next day, we are super itchy, come to find later it was poison ivy, got it all over our genitals. Fun times. 10/10 would do it again though."
Also, be careful when and if you do it on a bus. You're never fully out of the driver's line of sight. Don't ask me how I know, I just do. Be careful out there but have fun.
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Redditor Pooky135790 wanted to know:
"What are the best adult jokes that are hidden in kids movies?"
These scenes really had us rolling.
Shrek definitely has a few innuendos.
"In Shrek talking about Snow White:"
"'Although she lives with 7 other men, she's not easy.'"
"Gets me every time!"
- Sregge
"The whole Duloc opening scene with the singing puppets. 'Please keep off of the grass, shine your shoes, wipe your…….face.'"
"Also in Shrek: when they get to Farquuad's castle, they note the large size of it, and Shrek asks if Farquuad is compensating for something."
"This joke is great because everyone can laugh at it."
"Kids will think it's a joke about his height."
"Adults will think it's a joke about his other kind of height."
Lord Farquaad Ok GIF by PeacockTVGiphyCars had plenty of jokes.
"In Cars when the two Miata ladies flash their pop-ups at McQueen"
"I didn't realize for years that that was the connotation."
"Look at that scene again and look at the photographers behind Mia."
"It took me a second but I think the one directly in the middle is zooming in on their posteriors lmfao."
- -Paint
lightning mcqueen car GIF by Disney PixarGiphy"Also the Piston Cup. 'He did what in his cup?!' Funny enough 10 year old me got that and my dad didn't."
"Also in Cars, when Mack is driving down the highway and wants to pull over into a truck stop to rest, the sign at the truck stop says 'Top Down Truck Stop, All Convertible Waitresses.'"
Robots had it's fair share of moments.
"In Robots the [father of the] main character and his wife get the parts for their robot child and exclaim, 'Making the baby's the fun part!'"
"Also the old lady bot, Aunt Fanny, has a lot of junk in her trunk."
Oh, Ratatouille.
"There is that one scene from Ratatouille, when Linguini is about to confess about how Remy is in his hat cooking for him, and says 'I... have... a little... tiny...' and right after he says tiny, Collette quickly glances down at his pants. I never even noticed it until someone pointed it out to me because it is pretty subtle and can be easy to miss."
"Seriously the best dick joke in a kid's movie."
"That and the time when the short lil chef guy catches linguini in the pantry and says, 'One can become to familiar with vegetables, you know!'"
ratatouille flirting GIF by Disney PixarGiphyCoco really went there!
"In Coco, everybody laughs when they say Hector died 'choking on chorizo.'"
"'Choking on chorizo' is Mexican slang for sucking d*ck."
"I mean the song Hector sings to his dying friend has the implied, but not spoken, lyrics: 'And her tits they drag on the floor...' (he says 'knuckles' but the guy shouts, 'those aren't the words!')."
- TerH2
What a forgotten gem Monster House was.
"Monster House."
"'That's it's uvula!' 'Oh.... So it's a girl house....'"
"Rick and Morty gets a lot of hate around here because of the sh*tty fan base, but Dan Harmon is a genuinely funny writer."
"Could not BELIEVE Dan Harmon was a writer on this 'til I googled Monster House; your point is a good one lol."
Even in Frozen.
"'Foot size doesn't matter' - when Anna from Frozen talks about her fiancé."
"Frozen 2, 'I like you better in leather anyway' when Kristoff dresses up for Anna at the end."
"My boyfriend and roommate and I all watched it and all three of us spat our drinks at that and we all did the 'Did we just hear what we think we heard?' look. Then we laughed for like 10 solid minutes."
Not a movie, but still good.
"There was an episode of Dexter's laboratory where the father kept going on about Dexter's mother's muffin, and saying he only married her for her muffin. The whole episode was filled with innuendo."
"'Your father is a muffin fiend, a muff-o-maniac, just the aroma can make him crazy.' Lol. Had to see it for myself."
"Season 2 ep 18 The Muffin King."
"There was the episode about DeeDee and Dexter having decoder rings! DeeDee says Dexter's club is for big 'I-D-K-S-C' Dexter decodes it, gasps, and says he's gonna tell mom. Lol."
Whispering French GIFGiphyChildren's shows may be for kids entertainment, but they're created by adults. No doubt they're going to slip in a few naughty jokes here and there.
Time to re-watch some old favorites and see what we missed when we were younger.
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