Calcaterra recently discovered his daughter is either a skilled comedian, a mad genius, or maybe both—and will definitely be taking over the world one day. She's been working on a map that fundamentally reshapes the Western hemisphere, triggers multiple wars and also gives us a second Ohio, and it is... well, it's something.
As Calcaterra relayed on Twitter, it all began with the simplest of parental questions: "Got any homework?"
And well...
Last night: Me: Got any homework? Anna: Nah. Me: Whatcha gonna do? Anna: Have a map I’m working on. Just fou… https://t.co/AlJcfy8adc— Craig Calcaterra (@Craig Calcaterra) 1581516405.0
Just your average map, just a fun doodle from a teenager's sketchbook.
Until you look closer and do the reading...
@craigcalcaterra/Twitter
Honestly, it's hard to discern whether Calcaterra's daughter needs to be stopped because she's using her genius for evil, or if she's the leader we've all been waiting for. Who's to say?
Because a lot of her proposals seem totally reasonable.
Like combining Vermont and New Hampshire just makes sense. So does melding the Dakotas.
Less clutter.
And swapping the Virginias seems fair.
West Virginia's been in Virginia's shadow all this time, so why not switch it around and let West Virginia have a chance to shine?
And letting Florida secede, well... we can probably all get behind that.
It's already its own world in practice anyway.
But increasing the size of both Texas and Idaho—such that it takes over not just the middle of the US but a huge swath of Canada too? By unanimous vote‽‽
Utter madness.
And not just because Oklahoma loses its cute panhandle in the process.
And this whole Long Chile thing is... it's just...
And A SECOND OHIO?
We have enough on our hands with the first one.
Anyway, as you might expect, folks on Twitter had lots to say about Anna's new world order.
@craigcalcaterra But! What happened to Alaska?— Ben (@Ben) 1581516641.0
@craigcalcaterra OMG. Count me in. Surprised she didn't mess with MI though. Lot to work with here. Suggest she sho… https://t.co/5m7GhzqnZD— Ernst (@Ernst) 1581516693.0
@lizroscher @craigcalcaterra As a native Minnesotan, I take umbrage with the name change.— Steven Nelson (@Steven Nelson) 1581516560.0
@craigcalcaterra Apropos of nothing https://t.co/kVE8tFoXkg— Scott Moomaw (@Scott Moomaw) 1581517022.0
@aboutamoo @craigcalcaterra Fixed it to make it accurate to the new world order map. :-) https://t.co/aiD46vkgjJ— Kyle Eden (@Kyle Eden) 1581540292.0
The Ohio thing definitely raised some eyebrows.
@craigcalcaterra Most offensive part is an *additional* Ohio— Lil Dumplin (@Lil Dumplin) 1581516751.0
@craigcalcaterra All of this is reasonable except that Ohio 2 should be named 2 O 2 Hio.— Jesse Spector (@Jesse Spector) 1581516788.0
@jessespector @craigcalcaterra H2hiO— Marie Baguette (@Marie Baguette) 1581525294.0
@kyleinmke @craigcalcaterra Ohio 2: Skyline Boogaloo— Erik Carlson (@Erik Carlson) 1581516823.0
As did Canada's seeming acquiescence to Anna's imperialism.
@craigcalcaterra I like that Canada is invaded 3 times in this map and not once goes to war over it.— Trevor Gould (@Trevor Gould) 1581519386.0
@TrevGould On-brand— Craig Calcaterra (@Craig Calcaterra) 1581519409.0
@stillnfac @craigcalcaterra @TrevGould I'm French Canadian. Please take Alberta.— Renaud 和彦 Lepage (@Renaud 和彦 Lepage) 1581530368.0
And that whole thing about the Dakotas had people scratching their heads...
@cybik @stillnfac @craigcalcaterra @TrevGould We already have two Dakotas, all full up here bud.— theurge14 (@theurge14) 1581530552.0
But Anna herself quickly put this all to rest.
Update: https://t.co/Kh2zYSEoQb— Craig Calcaterra (@Craig Calcaterra) 1581521031.0
@craigcalcaterra/Twitter
Well, that's that.
Anna is our Queen now and that's the end of it.
@craigcalcaterra And a child shall lead them.— drmagoo (@drmagoo) 1581521085.0
Long may she reign over Long Chile and all eastward territories from sea to shining East Virginia, or whatever.
But it's also where we start learning about what petty, jealous monsters human beings can be. And it is that lesson that one little girl learned this week—and she was emphatically NOT. HAVING. IT.
Tabitha Garcia, a mom from Texas, shares her daughter Taylor's most adorable and funny moments on her Instagram page @tabgeezy. Her most recent post showed a whole other side to the usually smily Taylor.
In short: if you come for Taylor's favorite pencil, Taylor will come for YOU.
See, Taylor recently received a special pink pencil as an award for perfect attendance at school. A high honor.
And it seems SOMEONE, who will remain NAMELESS but is DEFINITELY NAMED LIZZIE, decided Taylor's pink perfect attendance pencil was now HERS.
The gall...
So how did this all go down?
Well, let Taylor tell you.
Prepare to be outraged.
So just to recap: Taylor put her special Pink Pencil for Perfect Attendance in the sharpening box and when she went to retrieve it, it was gone.
Then later, she saw Lizzie using her pencil—LIZZIE, who'd had the unmitigated temerity to be in CA-NA-DA and hence could not possibly have perfect attendance.
JUDGMENT FOR THE PLAINTIFF.
On the other hand, Tabitha may have a point.
It is just a pencil, and they do all write the same. That's fair, and—wait, you know what? NO.
This is egregious. Are we now in a world where people can just say "LOL this is mine now bye"? Who does this Lizzie person think she is, Christopher Columbus‽‽ This is an absolute outrage.
JUSTICE FOR TAYLOR!
Anyway, Taylor's recent lesson in the unfairness of life definitely struck a chord with the internet.
Safe to say Taylor has plenty of back-up!
I know I'm not ready to be a parent bc I'd be at that school the next day like "Yal deadass finna come up off my ba… https://t.co/ODx10NVbtH— Dreka Gates 💕 (@Dreka Gates 💕) 1580446043.0
CA👏🏾NA👏🏾DA👏🏾. You can’t have the Pink Perfect Attendance Pencil if you have passport stamps, Lizzie! https://t.co/sVq7JN5EoR— April (@April) 1580479856.0
@naturalmane/Instagram
Might pull up to the playground. I just want to talk with lizzie. “You think you tough because you taller than me,… https://t.co/q3B1MOmTNZ— quinta brunson (@quinta brunson) 1580489623.0
Lizzie can get CHINNED from Canada to the U.S., period. https://t.co/ordBAuX7oA— CHIKA (@CHIKA) 1580481980.0
@celizabeth82/Instagram
This is my pinned tweet until she gets her Perfect Attendance Pencil back from Lizzie. https://t.co/f7Qr5hgjoF— SeanKentComedy (@SeanKentComedy) 1580482030.0
i’m calling the cops on lizzie... GIVE HER BACK HER PERFECT ATTENDANCE PENCIL!!! https://t.co/DMbN8GxuUj— Ethan Harvey (@Ethan Harvey) 1580483782.0
Lizzie’s mom after she finds out she’s trending on #Twitter for nabbing this girl’s Perfect Attendance Pencil. https://t.co/MZU9diBRWq— Rachel Cullen Designs (@Rachel Cullen Designs) 1580483767.0
@michae_b/Instagram
oh nah. me: “what’s lizzie’s mother’s phone number?” https://t.co/D0LZWJuoI2— freddie ransome (@freddie ransome) 1580483898.0
Me and Lizzie’s mama are having some words. https://t.co/w5x0gMvhsp— brittany packnett cunningham (@brittany packnett cunningham) 1580482594.0
@_FemGod People driving by the school looking for Lizzie to politely ask her to return the Perfect Attendance Penci… https://t.co/LEFyn9jHG9— Carla Wants Poetic Justice (@Carla Wants Poetic Justice) 1580481234.0
The message here is clear: In a world of Lizzies, be a Taylor. Put THAT in the second grade textbooks.
But when you add in the fact that the customer service employee is also human and also full of all the extremely dumb stuff humans are full of? Well that lethal combination is a recipe for disaster.
This is one of those stories.
The TIFU (Today I Fu**ed Up) subReddit recently lit up with a pizza delivery guy's harrowing story, titled "TIFU by continuously making a customer angry when delivering them pizza." On its face, it seems like just another tale of a customer being that wonderful combo of unlikable and weird.
We've all encountered that guy. But the story quickly takes a hard left into "Oh...no..."
Redditor Kyle__'s story starts off pretty standard. He shows up with some pizzas, knocks on the door of a very loud party and gets a less than enthusiastic greeting when the door opens:
"This massive dude with hair down to his a** answers and yells at me for knocking too loud. I apologized, and went on my way."
Fairly typical "oh I'm SO sorry for DOING MY JOB" customer service stuff, right?
Sure, until the following weekend, when he delivers pizzas to another unit in the same building.
"This tall bald dude answers. I ask him if he knows the guy upstairs, and told him the a**hole upstairs yelled at me for knocking too loud. He looks at me puzzled, and says 'I know, that was me, I bought this 4 plex'. The dude shaved his head. From hair to his a**, to bald."
Yikes.
Our Pizza Dude, after he "instantly died inside" apologized and went on his way, no harm no foul.
Until the next weekend, when he really upped the ante by, well, destroying the dude's property.
"...the loop on my pizza bag got hooked on his mail box that was hung on the fence. It ripped the mail box clear off the fence, and flung it down the stairs."
Can't get worse than this, though, right?
Don't worry, it does.
"It actually bounced off his door when it landed. He opened the door to see me looking like a deer in headlights, frantically pointing at his mailbox (which was bent and twisted now) and trying to explain that I really didn't mean to do it."
And if you can believe it, this guy ended up delivering to this customer again—though thankfully this time there was a happy ending.
"After he paid I nervously said 'Hey, I didn't even insult you or wreck your property this time'. He laughed, said 'good job' and handed me a $5 tip."
Aww!
And now they're best friends.
Just kidding, they actually never crossed paths again, which is probably for the best.
Naturally, Kyle__'s fellow Redditors had plenty to say about this weird tale.
"'I know, that was me' LOL, dying" --u/GrauGeist8888
"Finally a good Tifu, I thought for sure you were gonna end up having sex somehow." --u/Hasnath_249
"Reminds me of the Pizza Delivery Guy from Home Alone who kept running over their damn statue." --u/ChefChopNSlice
And several gave him props for making the best of a sticky situation.
"You didn't FU imo. The man even laughed at your joke and tipped you.I see it as a win considering you destroyed his mailbox and called him an a**hole." --u/Fuhgly
"I dunno, sounds like you handled it well." --u/LostestGoat
Though not exactly everyone was on the pizza guy's side.
"...Don't call customers a**holes to their neighbors (or to anyone really). They might be friends (or the same person in this insane story)." --u/phunkydroid
"Like massive respect to this dude for not punching you" --u/RetardedGaming
And several folks had some wild pizza-related stories of their own to share.
"Oh man, delivering pizzas was generally fun! I was offered a St. Bernard puppy, bags of marijuana, and coke as tips (which I did not take). Only sad I couldn't take the puppy...." --u/Elle3786
"I delivered pizzas in college and I guess I knocked too loud over their music. The guy swung the door opened and yelled at me for 'knocking on the door like I was the cops'"--u/SatireDiva74
"Late to the party here but I was once a pizza driver too. One time I unknowingly delivered a pizza with a slice missing. Turns out one of the guys in back had made a pizza for himself and someone else mistakenly put the ticket on that box."
"The look on the woman's face when I had to re-deliver her pizza was one of pure disgust. She probably really thought I had eaten a slice of their pizza, and likely wasn't sure I didn't tamper with this new one. That was almost 15 years ago and I still think about it sometimes at night and get uncomfortable." --u/RickGrimesLol
Anyway, if there's a moral here, it's this: If you put your foot in your mouth, at least don't up the ante by damaging someone's property.
Customer Service 101, folks.
But by far, the worst part of all has nothing to do with flying itself: It's just the people. Doofuses who can't figure out the security line, dumbdumbs holding everyone up because they can't discern the basic rudiments of putting a carry-on in a bin (who could forget this classic) – as Sartre famously said, "Hell is other people," and nowhere is this more obvious than the airborne Greyhound buses we use to go to and fro.
And this week, a newly minted "worst passenger ever" is taking the internet by storm. The crime? Drying a filthy, likely stinky sneaker with the air vent above their seat.
The incident was caught on video by Canadian professional wakeboarder Dylan Miller, and quickly went viral when he submitted it to the Instagram account Passenger Shaming, which covers, well, exactly what it sounds like.
Imagine having the shameless, devil-may-care chutzpah to pull out your nasty wet sneaker and blow its aroma around an entire plane without a care in the world. The moxie is almost inspiring!
Also, one wonders... why was the sneaker wet? Did the passenger get caught in the rain, or is it something far more nefarious, like their feet sweat so much they have to blow dry their shoes.
The mind reels.
Anyway, the passenger is in good company: feet-related passenger barbarism has enjoyed something of an internet moment of late. There was this person who basically put her feet in another passenger's hair because, you know, sure, why not?
And then there was this other person who was spied browsing the in-flight entertainment touchscreen with her toes. Just normal human behavior!
As you might expect, the ol' internet was emphatically NOT HAVING this lady and her nasty shoe.
@monica_horovitz/Instagram
@tigerbellypodcast/Instagram
@laudetur_iesus_christus/Instagram
@whome1832/Instagram
@adriannecurry/Instagram
@space__peanut/Instagram
@ang.sears/Instagram
@seevahz/Instagram
@iron_sharpens_iron_2717/Instagram
@brenj945/Instagram
Anyway, it's still January, so we can technically still make resolutions, right?
So let's all resolve to stop behaving like full dumpster raccoons on airplanes. It's the least we can do, those seats are already uncomfortable enough!
Please take out your paper and pen and write this down:
ALWAYS DESTROY YOUR *ahem* PRIVATE FILES BEFORE SURRENDERING YOUR DEVICES
This cannot be stressed enough.
It's not sufficient to just delete the files—you gotta catapult all that ish directly into the sun.
Which is a lesson a gent on Reddit recently learned the hard—and profoundly soul-destroying—way.
Redditor JustaYeetingMat posted the harrowing tale to the r/tifu subReddit. "TIFU" is Redditspeak for "Today I F*ed Up" which, as you'll soon see, is the understatement of... maybe all of human existence in this case?
"Homework folder" is a Reddit by-word for a folder on your phone or computer in which you hide all your, um... adult? content? Be it the, shall we say, "professional" or "homemade" varieties.
So, you know, basically the dead last thing you ever want anyone to see.
JustaYeetingMat recently got a new phone, and in his family it's customary to give your old phone to a younger sibling, so he passed his on to his sister. Conscientious lad that he is, he moved his "homework" folder to his new phone before passing the old one on.
Done and done! Right?
Well, we'll just go ahead and let the title of his Reddit post speak for itself, because there's simply no better way to put it.
TIFU by giving younger sister a phone with the "homework" folder in it and now i am probably going to get disowned
Are you secondhand dying inside? Cuz JustaYeetingMat certainly is, firsthand.
As JustaYeetingMat explains, it turns out that you have to completely destroy all the data on the phone to truly get rid of the "homework" folder. So when his sister went traipsing thru the phone to clear some more storage space, she found the "homework" folder and did what, quite frankly, most of us would do:
instantly she ran around the house showing everyone in my family about what atrocities i keep in that document
And, of course, his family had pretty much exactly the response you'd expect.
now nearly all of my family either hates me or is disgusted by me
Fair enough.
So what has JustaYeetingMat done in the wake of this?
The only sensible thing really.
i have locked myself in my bedroom with 3 days worth of food and a good supply of water from my filtered tap
Don't worry, though: he hasn't ostracized himself entirely.
I go out through my window and go to kfc (only at night) for some good non frozen food
At least he's not totally isolated.
As you might expect, JustaYeetingMat's fellow Redditors had plenty of fun at their expense.
The best part is that you'll be reliving this story for the entirety of your adult life at family get-togethers. -- u/handlessuck
Don't forget about the shame that will come on at random times when he remembers the story. -- u/averagethrowaway21
If OP ever gets married, you can guarantee that his family is going to have fun pulling this out at the wedding. -- u/AreThereWaffles
Though there were a few words of comfort.
Well there's always the chance of being disowned, don't want to rule out all these options just yet -- u/Keaton525
I got caught cross dressing and so forth when I was 14. 31 and still alive -- u/ZeroSymbolic7188
Your best bet youngster is to just suck it up and own it. Seriously! Don't let your family make you feel insecure about this stuff. -- u/MadEzra64
There are two kinds of people in this world. People who enjoy a bit of porn now and again, and liars. Just own it, imo. Be like, "oh you think thats whats up? You should see the stuff I have on my new phone" -- u/Madaghmire
And, for those of you who also have "secrets" to keep, there was plenty of advice.
Always, always, always do a factory reset on electronics you sell or give away. Protects your information and saves you from embarrassing situations. --u/tony7914
If you want to be thorough, do a factory reset, put dummy data and do a factory reset again. This is because there are data recovery programs that can pull previously wiped data from a device. So, if you put some dummy data, nobody can access it later --u/AdityaRav
So the message here is clear—DESTROY YOUR FILES.
Your dignity will thank you.