Pastels...
GiphyNot a TSA agent, but last time I flew I was bringing chalk pastels home because I do a bit of art. They asked what they were, I said they were chalk pastels in a box that was clearly labeled "chalk pastels."
The box was opened upside down, spilling all of my chalk pastels on the table and coating the entire table in bright chalk dust, which does not wash off very easily.
too big....
I'd like to give a shoutout to the TSA worker who had to unpack my entire wolf pelt to get at the toothpaste I packed that was too big. And to the airline attendant who told me I had to check my bag bc I was the last one on, offered to let me "get my computer out" and then watched me pull out my entire wolf pelt and run down the plane with it.
Nuts from Milan.
Slightly unrelated, but it's a funny story....
I was flying back from Milan. the security worker stopped my dad's bag after the X-ray machine, and said there's some sort of liquid or gel in there. So he searches through the bag and eventually pulls out what he saw in the machine - a jar of Nutella.
Now, he's probably a proud Italian and loves his Nutella, because I never seen a more devastated face in my life once he realized he needs to confiscate our Nutella. He started apologizing like crazy, "Oh no, I am so sorry..." and so on.
Talk Turkey.
GiphyOne time I was flying somewhere and I had made this really really awesome toasted turkey sandwich. I was really excited about it because I hadn't had a sandwich in probably a year (food sensitivities coupled with a rare brand of "safe" bread leads to sandwiches being few and far between.)
I said on the way there that they'd better not flag my sandwich. When we went through TSA, guess what? They flagged. my damn. sandwich. I got it back, at least, but I'm never going to forget that they tried to take my sandwich.
They probably just thought it looked good and took it themselves.
Unimpressed.
Not a worker but probably my bag. My friends kids decided to pack me part of their rock collection and several small crafts. Apparently not wanted to have them broken they padded out the pouch they were in with maxi pads. Security was not impressed that I had no idea what was in my bag and couldn't explain it.
Dora.....
Well when I was 6 I had my Dora the Explora backpack on and I put one of those small sizes 8 oz water bottles in it. When my mom put the my bag up on the belt through x ray it got flagged and they pulled my 6 year old self into a room (without my parents) and did a full search of me and then the woman yelled at me to never do it again. My mother wasn't happy.
From the passenger side.....
From the passenger side - the missus got me a Jerry-can bag thing - essentially a 20l jerry can, cut in half with a hinge and wheels added - like this. I checked everywhere i could to make sure it was allowed to go on the plane.
The only problem was every time i went through security, the agent pulled it out and made me unpack it because the scanning machine couldn't resolve the contents clearly enough.
So, unpacked, and re-packed three times on the way there, and three times on the way back.
Without fail they all said it was a cool bag though.
splooosshh, bphrrrooom, booom!!!!
GiphyI once bought a pack of barbicans from UAE and i was traveling back to india. The pack was in my hand luggage. The security guys stopped me and they were arabs and didn't understand english that much. They got hold of it and i enquired why. They show actions of cans exploding and one of them was like cans - splooosshh, bphrrrooom, booom I will never forget it.
taste tests....
GiphySo my mother is into healthy lifestyles so imagine the look on the TSA's faces when they had to leave a note saying they had to inspect her luggage further because she thought it was a great idea to pack PROTEIN POWDER in ziplock bags lol taste tests hm... good choice.
Yeehaw...
Back in the 90's, my friend who was a professional square dance caller and traveled all the time to call dances would get hassled all the time going through security. At that time square dance music was exclusively on vinyl 45's. He had a special suitcase that held the nearly 200 records he traveled with. It weighed a ton when loaded but in the X-ray nothing shows up. Our local airport got to know him quickly, but he got real tired deplaning in new cities and having to explain again what it was.
We all got a kick out of it.
GiphyI'm not a security worker, but I have a story from the other side.
I'm asthmatic and had a peak flow meter in my carry on. This is a device you use to measure how much air you're exhaling. This one was a long cylinder with a tapered end. It had a metal rod in it that the gauge would slide along. When my bag went through x-ray, the guard called another guard over. Elbows poked at each other, and latex gloves went on.
When the guard pulled out the peak flow meter, he looked super confused. He clearly thought he was going to be pulling out a dildo. "Um, what is this?" he asked.
"It's a peak flow meter for my asthma," I explained. "I blow in it. Would you like a demonstration?"
"No, ma'aam. That won't be necessary." But then he cracked, leaned over and asked "Do you mind if I show my friend?"
We all got a kick out of it.
Jolly Roger
I was traveling for work once, I am a freelance technical director, and my son had put a large Jolly Roger sticker on my hard shell laptop case. He was going through his pirate phase. I was opening the case up to put the laptop in a tray for the scanner when the TSA screamed at me to stop. He activated some kind of Purple alert and in seconds I was swarmed by TSA agents and local LEOs.
After much explaining it was revealed the TSA guy saw the Jolly Roger skull and crossbones and thought I was carrying human remains.
Hilarity ensued.
My landlady in college was the stereotypical harmless looking little white haired grandma. She made some ceramic pistols so one of her grandkids could have them on the wall as part of a pirate-themed bedroom redesign. The world had changed since she had flown anywhere so she didn't think twice about tucking them into a carry-on bag. Hilarity ensued.
Travel Smart.
On an episode of Border Security Australia, Brisbanes main airport had to be evacuated and bomb techs called as a grenade had been spotted on the x-ray machine. Bomb techs go in only to discover it's a belt with a metal grenade shaped buckle. Not the smartest thing to travel with.
the common....
GiphySex toys are pretty common but my favorite are the college girls traveling with their parents. When they realize we need to search their bag you can see the panic take over and silently beg us to not let their parents see what they have.
In the Bag...
Not an airport worker, but something was found in my bag. I was going through security and they ended up running my bag through the x-ray 3 times before they finally asked what the lump of metal was that they were seeing. They showed me the image and I couldn't tell so they went to open my bag. Right when they started unzipping it I realized what it was and blurted out "Oh that's a Hammer!" which was immediately met by, "Sir you cannot bring a hammer on the plane."
That's a Scratch...
From the other side. Early 90s, so very pre 9/11.
My dorm had a pool table with a crappy cue ball. I bought one when I was home and had it in my carry on. A cue ball is apparently dense enough on the x-ray to alarm the staff.
"hold on a second"
May 2000, I'm flying to Florida to propose to my fiancee. My parents know this so they wrap up a gift and say "it's expensive, be careful with it." I threw it in my carry on and didn't think any more of it.
Going through security I'm tapped on the shoulder.
They found something in my interesting backpack, what the hell is it. It looks like some kind of long knife. They pull it out and find my parent's gift. I explain it's a gift from my parents and I'm flying to the US to get engaged. They go "hold on a second" and run it through.
Both the security guys start laughing and tell me "You'll love it, congratulations and please don't open it up on the plane". It was a cake server with a decorative handle.
Now if this had been post 9/11 I'd probably have had an anal probe instead. Fast forward to the end of my flight, I'd told the person sitting next to me I was going to propose. I guess word got around the plane. I had so many handshakes and best wishes as I was leaving the plane, it was pretty awesome! 20 years later, still married.
Just a Piece....
I traveled through the states a few years back. Bought one of those 4 inch long pieces of the golden gate bridges (old strands of the cables: LINK - I'm a bridge engineer, so it fits).
Anyway, given it's a solid lump of metal I knew that it'd get pinged in the X-ray, so I purposely packed it into my carry on so I could explain it.
Sure enough, lots of action when my bag goes through the machine. Questions of "what's in your bag". Looks of disbelief when I say "a piece of the golden gate bridge". They pull it out - SWIPE IT FOR EXPLOSIVE MATERIAL (seriously?) - before saying (once it had come back as a negative test), "this is heavy, you might attack someone with it. Go put it in your checked luggage".
FFS.
Reddit user u/GermansOnAPlane is notable for two reasons.
First, that's a solid throwaway handle and tastefully relevant to the oncoming post.
Second, he has the just about the "cringiest" story in the universe to tell.
Right out of the gate this guy has no shame for the underlying motives at play here, understandably.
The actions produced by that conviction are out and out horrifying, but that's coming later.
"This morning I fell asleep on the plane. It was an early flight. Napping was inevitable."
Fair enough.
The guy goes on to even share some conscientious thinking.
"Now, when it comes to sleeping on a plane, I always get insecure about my slack-jawed coma face. Hence, window seat."
A real poster-child of politeness we got here.
"I was able to comfortably doze off without facing the passengers next to me. Whom, by the way, was a dad and his teenage daughter who only seem to speak German."
After slumbering for an undisclosed length of time, u/GermansOnAPlane was struck by a brutal turning point.
"The moment my eyes opened, my face was on the daughter's boob while the dad was frantically shaking me awake."
Dear God.
The poor soul.
It feels important to mention that the idea of doing anything "frantic" with about 3 inches of leeway is a startling image. That seems like prime conditions for an injury.
Now awake, our storyteller faced the aftermath.
"The daughter, who also happened to be asleep, woke up the same time I did and immediately started ranting in German."
"I backed as far away from her boobs as possible and profusely apologized to both of them."
Again, the situation offers about the same amount of space and mobility as a cryogenic freezing tomb. "Backed as far away from her boobs as possible" likely impressed nobody.
Our man then became a bit too conscientious.
"If that wasn't awkward enough, I also felt compelled to offer the daughter a tissue to wipe away my drool from her chest."
They say when you're in a hole it's best to stop digging.
The mishap ended with some on-cue fatherly temper.
"The dad wasted no time making his daughter switch seats with him. She didn't seem too happy about that, but he didn't give a f**k."
"His primary objective was to provide a barrier between my face and his daughter's breast."
Immediately, Reddit was johnny on the spot with how the guy should have played it.
"Assert dominance and sleep on his boob too"u/Axelaxelaxe
"Fall asleep on the dad to show him your sleep is serious and holds no discrimination" u/MrMiao
"Did you have a phone on you? I'd have been using Google Translate to frantically write an apology." u/HoorayForYage
Some were keen supporters of his conduct, absolving him completely of any guilt.
"'I backed as far away from her boobs as possible and profusely apologized to both of them'...Why did you apologize to both boobs when you only offended one of them?" u/markatroid
"At least you didn't mention the war." u/MDev01
"Who hasn't done this? German boobs are the third best for plane rides." u/texasyoda
Others had similar stories of their own.
"I do slack jaw sleeping too. I found wearing a face mask keeps me aesthetically pleasing as well as preventing me from drying out my tongue LOL" u/wolf_fee
"Who hasn't woken up with their face mushed up against an unfamiliar boob. This is a rite of passage in some cultures."
"I'm pretty sure the dad only switched seats so he could share his similar voyage to manhood with you. At that point you're like a son to him." u/SeVaSNaTaS
"Reminds me of when I was 11 and I fell asleep on a flight."
"I wake up 20 minutes before the flight lands, with head getting shaken. I manage to look up and see the dude frantically trying to get my head off his shoulder."
"My dad told me afterwards that he had been trying to do that for 2 hours." u/chaunsey_jones
And, of course, there were the totally irrelevant contributors.
"It's "who" not "whom" when it's the subject of the clause." u/bucket_of_nothing
"Hey, it beats getting Incepted." u/bshaddo
Safe to say, if you ever find yourself accidentally doing a wildly uncomfortable thing in public, drooling where you shouldn't, there's a safe space for ya in at least one corner of the internet.
But by far, the worst part of all has nothing to do with flying itself: It's just the people. Doofuses who can't figure out the security line, dumbdumbs holding everyone up because they can't discern the basic rudiments of putting a carry-on in a bin (who could forget this classic) – as Sartre famously said, "Hell is other people," and nowhere is this more obvious than the airborne Greyhound buses we use to go to and fro.
And this week, a newly minted "worst passenger ever" is taking the internet by storm. The crime? Drying a filthy, likely stinky sneaker with the air vent above their seat.
The incident was caught on video by Canadian professional wakeboarder Dylan Miller, and quickly went viral when he submitted it to the Instagram account Passenger Shaming, which covers, well, exactly what it sounds like.
Imagine having the shameless, devil-may-care chutzpah to pull out your nasty wet sneaker and blow its aroma around an entire plane without a care in the world. The moxie is almost inspiring!
Also, one wonders... why was the sneaker wet? Did the passenger get caught in the rain, or is it something far more nefarious, like their feet sweat so much they have to blow dry their shoes.
The mind reels.
Anyway, the passenger is in good company: feet-related passenger barbarism has enjoyed something of an internet moment of late. There was this person who basically put her feet in another passenger's hair because, you know, sure, why not?
And then there was this other person who was spied browsing the in-flight entertainment touchscreen with her toes. Just normal human behavior!
As you might expect, the ol' internet was emphatically NOT HAVING this lady and her nasty shoe.
@monica_horovitz/Instagram
@tigerbellypodcast/Instagram
@laudetur_iesus_christus/Instagram
@whome1832/Instagram
@adriannecurry/Instagram
@space__peanut/Instagram
@ang.sears/Instagram
@seevahz/Instagram
@iron_sharpens_iron_2717/Instagram
@brenj945/Instagram
Anyway, it's still January, so we can technically still make resolutions, right?
So let's all resolve to stop behaving like full dumpster raccoons on airplanes. It's the least we can do, those seats are already uncomfortable enough!