Calcaterra recently discovered his daughter is either a skilled comedian, a mad genius, or maybe both—and will definitely be taking over the world one day. She's been working on a map that fundamentally reshapes the Western hemisphere, triggers multiple wars and also gives us a second Ohio, and it is... well, it's something.
As Calcaterra relayed on Twitter, it all began with the simplest of parental questions: "Got any homework?"
And well...
Last night: Me: Got any homework? Anna: Nah. Me: Whatcha gonna do? Anna: Have a map I’m working on. Just fou… https://t.co/AlJcfy8adc— Craig Calcaterra (@Craig Calcaterra) 1581516405.0
Just your average map, just a fun doodle from a teenager's sketchbook.
Until you look closer and do the reading...
@craigcalcaterra/Twitter
Honestly, it's hard to discern whether Calcaterra's daughter needs to be stopped because she's using her genius for evil, or if she's the leader we've all been waiting for. Who's to say?
Because a lot of her proposals seem totally reasonable.
Like combining Vermont and New Hampshire just makes sense. So does melding the Dakotas.
Less clutter.
And swapping the Virginias seems fair.
West Virginia's been in Virginia's shadow all this time, so why not switch it around and let West Virginia have a chance to shine?
And letting Florida secede, well... we can probably all get behind that.
It's already its own world in practice anyway.
But increasing the size of both Texas and Idaho—such that it takes over not just the middle of the US but a huge swath of Canada too? By unanimous vote‽‽
Utter madness.
And not just because Oklahoma loses its cute panhandle in the process.
And this whole Long Chile thing is... it's just...
And A SECOND OHIO?
We have enough on our hands with the first one.
Anyway, as you might expect, folks on Twitter had lots to say about Anna's new world order.
@craigcalcaterra But! What happened to Alaska?— Ben (@Ben) 1581516641.0
@craigcalcaterra OMG. Count me in. Surprised she didn't mess with MI though. Lot to work with here. Suggest she sho… https://t.co/5m7GhzqnZD— Ernst (@Ernst) 1581516693.0
@lizroscher @craigcalcaterra As a native Minnesotan, I take umbrage with the name change.— Steven Nelson (@Steven Nelson) 1581516560.0
@craigcalcaterra Apropos of nothing https://t.co/kVE8tFoXkg— Scott Moomaw (@Scott Moomaw) 1581517022.0
@aboutamoo @craigcalcaterra Fixed it to make it accurate to the new world order map. :-) https://t.co/aiD46vkgjJ— Kyle Eden (@Kyle Eden) 1581540292.0
The Ohio thing definitely raised some eyebrows.
@craigcalcaterra Most offensive part is an *additional* Ohio— Lil Dumplin (@Lil Dumplin) 1581516751.0
@craigcalcaterra All of this is reasonable except that Ohio 2 should be named 2 O 2 Hio.— Jesse Spector (@Jesse Spector) 1581516788.0
@jessespector @craigcalcaterra H2hiO— Marie Baguette (@Marie Baguette) 1581525294.0
@kyleinmke @craigcalcaterra Ohio 2: Skyline Boogaloo— Erik Carlson (@Erik Carlson) 1581516823.0
As did Canada's seeming acquiescence to Anna's imperialism.
@craigcalcaterra I like that Canada is invaded 3 times in this map and not once goes to war over it.— Trevor Gould (@Trevor Gould) 1581519386.0
@TrevGould On-brand— Craig Calcaterra (@Craig Calcaterra) 1581519409.0
@stillnfac @craigcalcaterra @TrevGould I'm French Canadian. Please take Alberta.— Renaud 和彦 Lepage (@Renaud 和彦 Lepage) 1581530368.0
And that whole thing about the Dakotas had people scratching their heads...
@cybik @stillnfac @craigcalcaterra @TrevGould We already have two Dakotas, all full up here bud.— theurge14 (@theurge14) 1581530552.0
But Anna herself quickly put this all to rest.
Update: https://t.co/Kh2zYSEoQb— Craig Calcaterra (@Craig Calcaterra) 1581521031.0
@craigcalcaterra/Twitter
Well, that's that.
Anna is our Queen now and that's the end of it.
@craigcalcaterra And a child shall lead them.— drmagoo (@drmagoo) 1581521085.0
Long may she reign over Long Chile and all eastward territories from sea to shining East Virginia, or whatever.
The latest story to take the subReddit TIFU (Today I F'd Up) by storm, titled "TIFU by holding in my sneeze," is a doozy. A messy, even gory doozy.
It comes to us via LivinCrazy, who was having a bit of a challenging day at work. While eating their lunch, Living Crazy did that thing where you somehow, accidentally, basically punch yourself in the face?
Or as they eloquently put it:
"...I went like brain dead for half a second and I lifted my hand up too fast and hit my nose with an uppercut Mortal Kombat style."
Yep. Been there. Not cute, not fun.
The situation was further complicated by the fact that LivinCrazy was also under the weather, which obscured the severity of the beating they dealt themself.
"I felt like my nose was bleeding but I dismissed it as my nose running since I have a cold."
You see where this is going, right?...
Brace yourself.
So LivinCrazy goes on about their day.
Their boss asks them to pick him up lunch, so they go grab him a hamburger.
And as they're on their way into the boss's office...
"I felt a little sneeze sensation up in my nose but I try to hold it in because my boss is waiting for me."
And then, it happens—the sneeze.
But not just any sneeze...
I walk into his office, give him his hamburger and this point my body can't hold it. Cue three very bloody and harsh sneezes all over my bosses white shirt, paperwork, and hamburger.
The biggest "yikes" to end all yikeses—all the grossness of a regular sneeze PLUS you've made the entire place look like a murder scene. The mind—and the stomach—truly reels.
Thankfully, LivinCrazy's boss—after sending LivinCrazy home, thank God—took it all in stride.
"...he seems to have found it a little funny so I don't really feels as bad."
Which is pretty much the best-case scenario when you sneeze blood all over your boss and his stuff.
Three times.
Of course, LivinCrazy's fellow Redditors had plenty to say about this nasal massacre.
"This is how a pandemic starts in the movies." --u/elcondormagnificente
I'm laughing so hard right now at the image of blood spraying out of your nose 3 times like a shotgun blast --u/Finnish-Karelian
"Never hold in a sneeze, always let them out! Sneezing is such a freeing sensation!" --u/Lima1998
"That tingly air is gonna find its way out, some way or another." --u/DK_Son
"You got off light. You could have shi* your pants." --u/sbeesp
"I figured you were going to say you did what I've done in the past. I've completely throws out my back/shoulder a few times from holding in a sneeze." --u/joleme
"I think the one living crazy is your boss, if someome [sic] sneezes blood all over me I'd be freaking out running to the next clinic/hospital or whatever to check for any deseases [sic] and not wait for another clean shirt lol" --u/Iago4400
"Your boss totally thinks you did a lot of cocaine." --u/johnnyutah0305
"I would be mortified but the outcome seems to have been alright." --u/expiredgatorade
So the moral here is listen to your body and let those sneezes fly.
But as more than one fellow Redditor pointed out...
"...It doesn't matter if you are at a rave or at home all alone like you will be for the rest of your life: COVER YOUR UGLY-AS* FACE WHEN YOU SNEEZE!" --u/itsthreeamyo
God gave you elbows for a reason.
But it's also where we start learning about what petty, jealous monsters human beings can be. And it is that lesson that one little girl learned this week—and she was emphatically NOT. HAVING. IT.
Tabitha Garcia, a mom from Texas, shares her daughter Taylor's most adorable and funny moments on her Instagram page @tabgeezy. Her most recent post showed a whole other side to the usually smily Taylor.
In short: if you come for Taylor's favorite pencil, Taylor will come for YOU.
See, Taylor recently received a special pink pencil as an award for perfect attendance at school. A high honor.
And it seems SOMEONE, who will remain NAMELESS but is DEFINITELY NAMED LIZZIE, decided Taylor's pink perfect attendance pencil was now HERS.
The gall...
So how did this all go down?
Well, let Taylor tell you.
Prepare to be outraged.
So just to recap: Taylor put her special Pink Pencil for Perfect Attendance in the sharpening box and when she went to retrieve it, it was gone.
Then later, she saw Lizzie using her pencil—LIZZIE, who'd had the unmitigated temerity to be in CA-NA-DA and hence could not possibly have perfect attendance.
JUDGMENT FOR THE PLAINTIFF.
On the other hand, Tabitha may have a point.
It is just a pencil, and they do all write the same. That's fair, and—wait, you know what? NO.
This is egregious. Are we now in a world where people can just say "LOL this is mine now bye"? Who does this Lizzie person think she is, Christopher Columbus‽‽ This is an absolute outrage.
JUSTICE FOR TAYLOR!
Anyway, Taylor's recent lesson in the unfairness of life definitely struck a chord with the internet.
Safe to say Taylor has plenty of back-up!
I know I'm not ready to be a parent bc I'd be at that school the next day like "Yal deadass finna come up off my ba… https://t.co/ODx10NVbtH— Dreka Gates 💕 (@Dreka Gates 💕) 1580446043.0
CA👏🏾NA👏🏾DA👏🏾. You can’t have the Pink Perfect Attendance Pencil if you have passport stamps, Lizzie! https://t.co/sVq7JN5EoR— April (@April) 1580479856.0
@naturalmane/Instagram
Might pull up to the playground. I just want to talk with lizzie. “You think you tough because you taller than me,… https://t.co/q3B1MOmTNZ— quinta brunson (@quinta brunson) 1580489623.0
Lizzie can get CHINNED from Canada to the U.S., period. https://t.co/ordBAuX7oA— CHIKA (@CHIKA) 1580481980.0
@celizabeth82/Instagram
This is my pinned tweet until she gets her Perfect Attendance Pencil back from Lizzie. https://t.co/f7Qr5hgjoF— SeanKentComedy (@SeanKentComedy) 1580482030.0
i’m calling the cops on lizzie... GIVE HER BACK HER PERFECT ATTENDANCE PENCIL!!! https://t.co/DMbN8GxuUj— Ethan Harvey (@Ethan Harvey) 1580483782.0
Lizzie’s mom after she finds out she’s trending on #Twitter for nabbing this girl’s Perfect Attendance Pencil. https://t.co/MZU9diBRWq— Rachel Cullen Designs (@Rachel Cullen Designs) 1580483767.0
@michae_b/Instagram
oh nah. me: “what’s lizzie’s mother’s phone number?” https://t.co/D0LZWJuoI2— freddie ransome (@freddie ransome) 1580483898.0
Me and Lizzie’s mama are having some words. https://t.co/w5x0gMvhsp— brittany packnett cunningham (@brittany packnett cunningham) 1580482594.0
@_FemGod People driving by the school looking for Lizzie to politely ask her to return the Perfect Attendance Penci… https://t.co/LEFyn9jHG9— Carla Wants Poetic Justice (@Carla Wants Poetic Justice) 1580481234.0
The message here is clear: In a world of Lizzies, be a Taylor. Put THAT in the second grade textbooks.