If you ever read an article about my murder, please know that I brought it on myself.
Somebody said something dumb and I 100% could not hold my loud face back from expressing all the things we humans can't say using only words.
And I probably talked mad sh*t right til the very end.
Reddit user saucetrailia asked:
"What's one trait you have that will more than likely get you killed one day?"
And yeah ... We're all in trouble
If You Insist...
Aleister Crowley Yes GIF by PENNYWORTHGiphy"I am awful at saying no and I'm terrified of being seen as rude."
"So I'd probably get killed by someone who takes advantage of that."
- a_fruitcake
"Just 'May I kill you, please?' 'Well, if you insist...' ”
- Lord-Impressive
Space Case
"I space out. My internal world just absorbs me."
"I am very likely to just walk into traffic obviously one day."
- laney2181
"This was how I wrecked my first car."
"Driving at night, back country roads about a quarter mile from home, thinking about game progression on Borderlands 2 ... aaaand now I'm upside down in a ditch with a face full of airbag because I clipped a deer."
- -AntiVegan-
Friends!
"I will try to friend any animal regardless of it's danger level."
- saucetrailia
"Samesies. All animals are friends!"
"Shark? Sea puppy."
"Hyena? Big catdog."
"Moose? Long antler tall friend."
"Cobra? Wide headed noodle."
"Rattlesnake? Musical noodle."
"Jaguar? Spotted crunch crunch mouth friend."
"Crocodile? Scaly crunch buddy."
"It will undeniably kill me if in the wild long enough."
- Kondrias
"I'll bet women are the reason we were able to domesticate wolves."
- J0k3rA34
"If there is a snoot to boop, then it is your duty to boop that snoot."
- midnight_someone_17
Sausage Stroke
nom nom eating GIF by LaffGiphy"The real answer: I love food, usually the fatty unhealthy kinds."
"Burgers, fries, hotdogs, bacon, chicken fried steak, gumbo, sausage... I want it all in me."
"I'm going to die from a stroke, heart attack, or cancer. Or choking."
- secret-citizen
Interruptions
"I can't help interrupting people, otherwise I forget what I was going to say."
"I also say everything that is in my head, never in a rude way, I'm just always very open with how I feel about things and situations."
- AngelicWooGirl
"Sorry if you're not looking for advice, but I have this problem sometimes."
"When I have something I need to say, I touch my index finger to my nose until I'm able to say it. It looks a little goofy but it's less rude than interrupting all the time, and you won't forget what you're going to say while you're actively touching your nose."
- glitterbugged
"You are amazing. I did this today and it bloody worked!"
"You total legend. Thank you for making me a little less killable."
- AngelicWooGirl
Road Rage
"I'm not proud of it, but after years of denying it I'll finally admit that I've got a good amount of road rage..."
- jo_coltrane
"I know how I'm going to die."
"I'll be behind some idiot clogging up the passing lane. I'll flash my lights, he won't move. I'll honk my horn, he won't move."
"He'll probably brake-check me."
"Then, when I get an opening, I'll pass him in the other lane and he'll shoot me as I drive past."
- UpTheFe
Bait And Reel
smug american psycho GIFGiphy"I gaslight in arguments with random strangers and try to make them freak out and rage."
- fartpie69420
"You realize people literally actually die doing this, right? Not hypothetical."
"Jaco Pastorius did."
- [Reddit]
"I do this too. I love pushing people's buttons even though I hate people doing it to me."
"I won't actively seek out a fight or argument, but depending on the circumstances I can be a real menace and I will have this stupid amused smirk the entire time too!"
- Rocket-Tree
"Yeah... that is not okay. That's psychological abuse. Abusing people isn't funny."
- brushstrokes
Choking Hazard
"My ability to choke on a microdrop of saliva."
- Surviving2
"Omg, you too? I have never met another person who chokes on their own saliva before."
- ClothDiaperAddicts
"I laughed and choked at your comment."
- AdultBabyGoat
Hustle
"I love to work."
"I worked 80 hours a week for 8 months. I told myself it was because I didn't have staff."
"Now I have staff and I picked up ubereats as a side gig. So I am still working about 80 hours a week."
"Money is a small factor, but I just like to work."
"I'll probably work until I die."
- Neblos2514
Monkey Time
"Parkour."
"I jump and climb up rocks and trees and stairwells that are super high off the ground. Several times I’ve almost made a bad jump that could’ve broken my neck."
"Just recently on a hike when I was just hopping down from a tree seven feet off the ground, my foot got stuck and I rotated and landed flat on my back."
"If things went a little different, I could’ve broken my leg from the weight or whacked my head against a rock right next to where I landed."
"I badly hurt something really low in my back and started laughing hysterically and uncontrollably from the pain, contemplating the odds of that happening or how much worse it could’ve been or how many other times it could’ve happened."
"That experience haunts me and I’m trying to be much more cautious now, but there is nothing that makes me feel more alive and free and happy than scaling the obstacles of nature."
"Yes, even though I know that just one misstep could bring it all crashing down."
"If there’s anything that kills me before I’m old, I can just about guarantee it’ll be my own dangerous desire to monkey around in places I shouldn’t."
- TrickyTalon
Death is coming for us all eventually.
Some of us, apparently, are more likely to speed things along than others.
Did you see your likely cause of death here? Got something to add to the list?
Meet us in the comments!
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Redditor xanzznax wanted to hear from all the guys who have been unceremoniously turned away because of height, so they asked:
"What is the best response to 'I don't date short guys?'"
I just like to be the shorter one. Sorry.
But... I'm the small spoon.
Nibbles
Jim Carrey Conan GIF by Team CocoGiphy"Bite her knees."
sudomatrix
"Couldn't reach, went for the ankle instead."
Weaselot_III
No Hard Feelings
"When on Tinder I wrote my height because I know women have preferences (and some dudes will ridicule the tall woman, short man relationship)."
"When I matched with taller women who also wrote their heights, I would always ask if they where ready for this kind of long distance relationship. They always responded with a laugh, and if they didn't want to date, no hard feelings, they don't owe me anything."
Dudelison
LOL
"Adding in a non self-deprecating joke is helpful because it implies you know your height & that some women have preferences but you're still confident and you haven't made it your identity. It shows you have a sense of humor which is very attractive."
"Some shorter people have an insecurity complex and this is what gets in their way of dating compared to the actual height, and when they're like this they're typically unaware that it's their personality that's doing them in but blame it on the numbers."
Liberty53000
Is what it is...
"If a woman says I don’t date short guys it’s understandable, a man might feel a bit insecure. I’m not short but I’m skinny and I’ve had many women say things about my size and I’m still a bit insecure about it. I don’t let that insecurity become a problem anymore. I’m of the mindset that I can’t control how I feel, but I can control how I react to my feelings."
jwright24153
GIF by VPROIf we could all just "Poof" away in difficult situations.
Warning
Football Yes GIF by State FarmGiphy""Hang a 'you must be this tall to ride' sign around her neck."
Umbrella_merc
Anyways
“Okay.'"
Prfsnlclckclackr
"Exactly, if that's their preference, move on."
"Ironically, I've never been 'rejected' in this way by a woman I asked out. Only women I haven't asked out. I have had women tell me they only date tall men or they couldn't date me because I'm short, but it was seemingly random. Like, I hadn't asked them out or shown interest. It's actually kind of hilarious."
StopThinkingJustPick
Cool Beans
"Short guy here, I'm 5'4, I used to get rejected by taller girls a lot, my favorite way to deal with it was just to say thanks for being honest. For some reason they would later introduce me to their friends who were maybe my height or something. A lot of them said that when you handle it like an adult its very attractive, and while they might not like short dudes, they def have a few friends who do."
buttdocs
Move On...
"Because disliking short guys, tall girls, skinny guys, fat girls etc... is at the end of the day a matter of personal preferences. No matter how much you cry, scream and sh*t yourself about how unfair it is, it won't make you attractive to that person. Just move on with your life and find someone who'll love you for who you are."
Makalockheart
Leave it...
Amy Schumer No GIF by Saturday Night LiveGiphy"I dated a guy who was like 5'6" or something (I'm 5"4'). It super wasn't a problem for me in and of itself. What was a problem was that HE kept BRINGING IT UPPPP!!!"
halej69848
Rock It!
"All you short guys out there, I always found it EXTREMELY attractive. There are plenty of women who do. So rock the shortness, someone out there is admiring the cut of your gib!"
Hobbsy1978
Be calm in who you are.
Do you have any similar experiences? We'd love to hear about them in the comments.
Redditor Glaurung1536 wanted to discuss the people we all work with, so they asked:
"Which profession attracts the worst kinds of people?"
Some jobs are the worst. So maybe it's not always the people.
Bad Influence
Schitts Creek Comedy GIF by CBCGiphy"Ok so not really a profession but… there is a certain subset of musicians who are also wannabe influencers… particular people who are very on twitter. so back-stabby and clout hungry."
curoku
The Worst
"I’m a casino dealer. People losing money brings out the worst qualities in them. Especially when I deal high limit games. Plus the pit boss/supervisors won’t throw a person out who is literally spending thousands. Doesn’t matter what they do or say. The casino doesn’t want to lose those kinds of patrons."
"They’re catered to. They can be so awful to the dealers. The job has made me look at humanity in a completely different light lol."
"Pro relationship tip: Bring a date to the casino and see how they treat the dealer if they’re losing. You’ll see what kind of person they really are. I have about 10 years of experience in the industry."
kaioina
Crazy Eyes
"Stockbrokers. I have some friends who are stockbrokers. I love them, but man, they are some bullsh*t artists. And not like, 'Oh, they're a good salesman, and could sell you anything,' No, it's like they make sh*t up as they go along and try to sound confident in what they say."
LawnGuyLand94
"I have met a couple people who were successful, lifelong stockbrokers. To be a successful, lifelong stockbroker, you actually have to like what you do. They all had crazy eyes. Each and every one."
RoofClinger
Drive On
Giphy"Tow truck drivers. At least 80% of all the tow truck drivers I've met have been felons, and about 98% have been shady d**kheads."
Blue8Delta
Tow truck drivers are definitely gruff.
Bounced
argentina deal with it GIFGiphy"Bouncers. I swear those people are always looking to create trouble so they can exercise their right to kick a**."
hatredwithpassion
"Former bouncer in my youth, and I can 100% confirm that most of the drama we were in was caused by the two biggest guys that just wanted to f**k with people and brag about it while we were having our after-shift drinks."
nifaryus
Lifeless Humans
"Paparazzi."
SuvenPan
"Absolutely lifeless humans. Audio-visual bottom feeders with a camera, searching for scraps and the next payment. Not only does their profession provide something that is arguably valueless, but the means to produce it is abominable. Predatory mannequins that need removal."
ByTheCreed
Sell. Sell. Sell.
"Pyramid scheme. Property agents."
polymathicus
"I have had a few friends that have become realtors later in life. The ones that stayed with it, it totally changed who they are. After a few years they are hardly recognizable as the same people. Vein, shallow, and 100% of the time they are in character and trying to sell."
StrayMoggie
Big Impacts
"I thought I wanted to be an architect… but then I met a bunch of architects. And architecture students. And architecture professors. And they were pretty much all A-holes. It was weird. I mean… how could it be so consistent? But there ya have it."
oferchrissake
"I used to teach in a program that often fed students into the world of architecture."
"Every semester I would orchestrate one charette where I would bring in architects to critique student work. No matter how much coaching I did (to both visiting architects and students) students would feel crushed by the feedback. There were almost always tears."
"I often hear back from students that it was the most impactful part of our work together."
Str8intothestorm
Hands Up
Super Troopers Police GIFGiphy"Law enforcement - double-edged sword, because it attracts the best and the worst."
"The best in people who want to help, protect, and do good. The WORST in people who want to exact authority over people. Power-hungry a**holes who are insecure and have short fuses and low tolerance for defiance. If you can't handle someone defying you without losing your sh*t, you shouldn't be a cop."
bluepillblues69
So many jobs full of questionable people.
Did we miss any? Let us know in the comments.