One Redditor addressed this by asking:
"What would your reaction be if your partner told you, 'I'll marry you if you lose weight'?"
Concern or Love?
"My girl told me to lose some weight, but in my case, I believe she had the right to it."
"I am getting older. She told me she doesn't want to build a life to have me die because of something I have complete control over."
"I think there are legitimate reasons for someone to have that as a condition to spend their lives together. But if their reasons are 'no fatties,' then run away. They don't care about you."
- Gotd4mit
A Healthy Ultimatum
"I can actually chime in as someone who gave something of a sort-of ultimatum like in the question!"
"My partner is obese (approx 250 at 5'9 / ~115 at 175). He's always been overweight but had recently gained more when I met him. It wasn't something that happened over the course of the relationship."
"The issue I have with it has nothing to do with being attracted to him or anything like that (definitely plenty attracted to him), it's health and function."
"He has an injury to his knee that already makes it challenging for him to climb stairs multiple times or run, but the extra weight exacerbates it. He has sleep apnoea which we believe is caused by his weight (CPAP hasn't worked, not interested in surgical interventions at this time and they'd ask him to lose weight first)."
"The impact this has on us now is that we sleep in separate bedrooms and can't do some activities together."
"We're going to have kids, so the future impact might be he'll genuinely struggle to look after or play with said kids (if he can't run around the yard with them, or just do all the physical things young kids require, for example)."
"He has healthy blood pressure, cholesterol, etc., for now, but being obese puts him at an elevated risk for a bunch of entirely preventable conditions."
"SO, fairly early on, I gave an 'ultimatum' that was basically 'by the time we get married, I want to share a bedroom, and I want you to be able to enjoy our kids' youth.'"
"To move from obese to overweight, he'd need to lose approx 55lbs/25kg which is a lot, and there's no real way of knowing how much weight he'd have to lose for the sleep apnoea to get better or his knee to work."
"I mean. I'm going to marry him anyway, and he knows that. But at least it's out there how seriously I take it."
"I try to support him even though it's kind of completely outside my realm of expertise because I don't think just saying, 'do this or I'll leave' is fair, kind, or going to get any of the results you're looking for."
- kitsunevremya
A Brutal Look in the Mirror
"I wouldn’t blame her, I’ve gotten fat as f**k."
- SergeStorms_offmeds
Something to Look Forward To
"I'd say, 'cool beans!'"
"I'm plodding away on my journey at 289lbs today... I'm down from 460 at my worst (somehow I seem to be getting away with it without any loose skin so far, which is a welcome bonus)."
"I am under extremely few illusions about the fact I still look like a fat sack of crap and my own relative attractiveness as a prospect, though. I mean, the mental image of a blubber-mountain jiggling and wheezing away over someone gives me the ick!"
"While I'm doing it entirely for my own sake, and I think it's essential to do so, someone willing to look beyond my current condition to who I am as a person and decide they'd potentially like to spend the rest of their life with me, isn't without value."
"As such, far from seeing it as a cruel ultimatum, it seems more like accepting the reality that I'm still just not there yet, but... when I drop another 50-75lbs and more importantly add some tone, I should start scrubbing up quite nicely."
- volster
The Reason Matters
"I think the reason they want this really matters."
"I had a morbidly obese mom who most likely died from being obese. It was very hard on her and me. I grew up with her crying about being overweight and the pain she was in."
"It got to the point where she first had to use a walker and then a wheelchair. She had a lap band surgery but managed to stay obese."
"I'm currently obese myself and have health problems related to it. I'm working on losing weight and have lost 50 pounds so far. I plan to lose more before considering dating again."
"Considering how hard it was for me to lose my mom and all her suffering, I don't want to date someone who isn't at a healthy weight or at least working on losing weight. I wouldn't fault someone feeling the same about me."
- brokenjasper
Self-Respect Has Entered the Chat
"If they word it in a way that they simply only want to be with me if my appearance changes, I'll tell them to f**k off."
"But if they're worried about my health and my weight is a part of that, then I'll be a little more understanding."
- CyberWolfWrites
A Tough Reality
"A person who won't marry you unless you look a certain way is a person who will divorce you if you don't look a certain way."
- Superman246o1
So This Is Love
"If I was super obese and my partner was trying to push me to be better, then I would take it to heart and work on myself. If I'm not obese and they are just doing it to attack me, then I would tell them to f**k off."
"I'd hope if someone actually cares about me and I let myself go that they would call me out on it. Being obese is nothing to glorify."
"A lot of comments are trying to justify in sickness and in health and that they would leave just because of the ultimatum but as a comparison, if your partner was a non-abusive alcoholic and wanted to get married, would you ask them to quit drinking before you marry them? Would you be offended if your partner asked you to quit drinking if you wanted to get married?"
"Both are self-destructive tendencies. I sure as hell would not be marrying a heavy alcoholic or someone obese but if I love that person I'd speak my mind and give them the opportunity to change."
- COYFC
Uno Reverse
"I'd say, 'Same goes for you. Let's hit the gym now since we're both fat.'"
- CommanderPringles
Addicted to Love Food
"My ex had a food addiction and I couldn't hack it. I did love her for her but I didn't fancy her in the end."
"I tried to help with diets and exercise since it had rubbed off on me also. I was over 20kg heavier than I was before I met her. Our whole relationship by the end of it evolved around this problem."
"We split up years ago, but straight away, I got back down to a healthy size."
"She tried to demonize me over it but in my mind, it's the same as a drug or alcohol addiction. It's not good for your health."
- LowerPick7038
The Importance of Attraction
"I literally just saw a thing about how boundaries aren't an expectation to be pushed on others, they're a defined plan of action for yourself. So this kind of scenario should play out differently:"
"A judgment, not a boundary: I'll marry you if you lose weight."
"A boundary: I cannot be in a permanent partnership with someone I don't find attractive, and I don't find you attractive at your current size."
- SickSigmaBlackBelt
Their Own Conditions
"I'm foreign. If I ever gained weight my entire family would be very blunt about it, in a non-mean way. Just, it is what it is. And if I don't like it. Well then stop whining and eat less."
"Anyway, If I thought I was an appropriate weight and my SO (significant other) demanded an even better physique... Maybe, but I'm getting something out of this deal. Probably sex stuff. And snacks."
"If you demand a king, I will demand a queen."
- FailosoRaptor
Relationship Practicalities
"In my most recent relationship, we had an issue where we were just different people. I like hiking, skating, and swimming. She didn't. Not because those activities weren't fun to her, but because she was physically unable to do those things due to an excess of weight."
"She wasn't immobile by any means, and in fact, I thought she looked pretty great physically, but the fact remained that if she had lost some weight and been more physically active we would have been able to do so much more together."
"Weight isn't just about looks. She was more than just okay in my eyes, she was beautiful. But her weight was an issue nonetheless, and I don't think I could start a relationship with someone of a similar weight to her again."
"It feels bad, but at the end of the day, there were certain things we just couldn't do, and no amount of positivity could change the fact that she couldn't go bouldering with me, or go on a long walk through a forest."
-Replyance
Immediate Weight Loss
"I can lose 200lbs right now... by dumping them."
- duhduhduhdummi_thicc
Healthy Boundaries
"I guess it depends on whether I felt I needed to lose the weight, and if they were nice about it."
"My ex-husband wanted me to lose weight when I was only 130 pounds at 5'5. He wanted me to go back to my 19-year-old anorexic weight of 95-100 pounds which wasn't healthy at all. And he was perfectly willing for me to become anorexic again to do so."
"The real kicker was that he was 330 pounds and wasn't willing to diet at all. So instead of losing the 30 pounds, he wanted me to lose, I got rid of him. Best 330 pounds I ever lost."
- foxylady315
While the question on its own sounds terrible, the subReddit understood that it depended on the delivery and reason behind the question.
Relationships sometimes require tough conversations, started out of love, and weight loss can be part of that.
But if someone is purely looking for aesthetics, they can go look for that somewhere else.
Drew Barrymore/Instagram
Drew Barrymore/Instagram
Drew Barrymore/Instagram
Drew Barrymore/Instagram
