Things People Discovered After A First Date That Were A Total Deal-breaker
Reddit user tjeast asked: 'What did you find out after a first date that was a deal-breaker?'
As much as we would love to be able to date one person, for that to be the right person for us, and for the two of us to get on with our life together, we all know it's going to take at least a few tries to find the perfect match.
But some of these matches make us want to throw in the towel.
You've got to listen to your gut (and your eyes) when you sense a red flag.
Redditor tjeast asked:
"What did you find out after a first date that was a deal-breaker?"
Just... A Couple... Of Red Flags
"I found out that he had restraining orders against him from not one, but two exes. He also asked if he could move in with me on the first date."
- lalalabeeee
An Ex Collector
"On the surface, he was a lawyer with an Ivy League degree. Then just one layer deep, he had six kids with five different women."
"One of his exes hated him so much that she took their kids to Germany to get away from him."
"And the kicker (yes, more than the Germany ex)? His youngest was six months old and he was sleeping on his latest ex's couch."
- Banjo-Becky
Questionable Connections
"I met up for drinks with a woman, and she started telling me about how she thought I’d get along with her brother. After a couple of drinks, we ended up at the bar where her brother worked. He's a h**l of a guy."
"We kept playing hair metal on the jukebox and drinking beers. She went from saying I would get along with her brother to I remind her of her brother. The more she drank, the more she said it."
"We ended up making out, and she started repeating the s**t about her brother while trying to get something going with me."
"I made sure she got home safe, but that s**t creeped me out so much that I never spoke to her again."
- weeew87
Secret Babies
"Prior to our first date, he said he didn't have any kids."
"While he was driving me home after our first date, he mentioned that he hated letting his baby mama use his car because she always messed with the radio stations and that it took forever to get his seat adjusted back to how he liked it."
"I was just out of high school and wasn't looking to date anyone with kids. With how disrespectful he was during our date, finding out that he had a kid was an automatic deal breaker for me."
"He then kept calling and texting me and after I blocked his number he kept creating new social media accounts to get a hold of me because he wanted to go for a second date and kept bringing up that he was making good money so I'd be an idiot to say no to him."
- 2baverage
Specific Looks Wanted
"My date kept trying to braid my hair, lol (laughing out loud). At first, it seemed weird, but not like a deal-breaker, but then he KEPT asking."
"The first time he asked, we were walking through the park, and I was telling a story, but he interrupted me, asking, 'Can I please braid your hair?'"
"I laughed, politely said no, and continued talking, but he kept interrupting, asking to braid my hair."
"I asked why, but all he said was, 'I just want to braid it,' and kept reaching for my head. I swatted his hand away a few times, and when that didn't work, I told him I was ready to go home."
"It was so creepy!"
- TheDahliaXO
Her Body, Not His Plans
"He told me that he couldn’t wait to have kids with me and that he had picked out our kids’ names."
"When I told him that this was our first date and that I wasn’t sure about kids and that this was a super creepy thing to say to me, he insisted it was my duty as a woman and that it would make me very happy."
"Yeah, there was no second date."
- NymeriasWrath
Just Practicing for Thanksgiving!
"He was a felon. He had a really unbelievable story about being locked out of his ex’s house and he broke in while JUST HAPPENING to be holding a rifle from Turkey hunting. Terrifying."
- _lmmk_
Very Different Interests
"She got off on watching the guys she was with get in fights. She gave some dude the come-f**k-me eyes and then expected me to brawl when he came up to hit on her. F**k no, girl, maybe you can catch a ride home with him."
- discussatron
No Third Wheels
"Her other guy showed up in the middle of our date. She said, 'Can I talk with him for a minute?'"
"I said, 'Sure,' and then walked out the door and never looked back."
- New2ThisThrowaway
Not a Good Morning
"She was married. We met at a bar and left together. We went and had dinner, saw a movie, and she spent the night."
"The next morning she said, 'I wonder if my husband figured out I didn’t come home.'"
"Then she asked me for a ride to work, and I got a ticket because she didn’t wear her seatbelt."
- PM_ME_THEM_TACOS_GURL
Totally Wrong
"He asked me to pay for his court fees, that was my turn-off, so I wanted to leave to end the date."
"I said my goodbyes, and then he threatened to tell the whole restaurant I was having an affair and cheated on him if I left."
"I stayed in fear of embarrassment."
"Later, I excused myself to the restroom where I made my escape to the door. He saw me from the window."
"I saw him coming out, so I ran a bit, and when I looked back, he was chasing me. (I got away, but wow.)"
- Ok-Ambassador-8982
Supporting the Arts
"He was a really bad magician. He brought cards and everything, but he couldn’t land a trick."
"I felt bad and took him up on a second date, but that was it."
- Durdengrl322
Financial Investments
"He lost a pile of money in crypto and NFTs. But he still tried to convince me to get my money into it."
- hanginwithyuka
"Some people cannot be saved from themselves."
- Creative_Recover
Unrealized Love
"I think she was in love with her best friend and didn't realize it."
"She told me she and her long-time best friend she called her 'wifey' lived together in a single room with the friend's baby. She said that this friend always comes first and they're inseparable. They also have gotten kicked out like three times from house to house."
"She left the date early because whoever they were renting from was threatening to kick them out."
"We never really talked again but I wanted to tell her she shouldn't be dating because she's already in a relationship."
- PupEDog
We've all heard of first date fails, terrible dates in general, and big relationship deal-breakers, but just the same, we can completely understand how these were such major deal-breakers.
From lying about their real life to trying to involve us in something we're not interested in, there are some people who are simply not meant for us because their lives are just too different from ours. And that's okay!
Anyone with any amount of dating experience knows at least a few things that they love in a relationship and a few things they find unsavory.
Just like discovering our boundaries and what qualifies as a relationship deal breaker, most of us generally have a few rules that we tend to live by in every relationship, whether it's romantic, platonic, or professional.
Curious to learn some rules to live by, Redditor aytmamatov_musa asked:
"What relationship rule have you memorized forever?"
Actions Speak Louder than Words
"I can't remember the exact wording, but something to the effect of: Pay more attention to how invested your partner is in the relationship, not how much they say they are."
- why_im_single
Know Who Holds the Power
"I remember when I first realized that the person who has the most control in a relationship (especially ending it) is the person that cares about the relationship the least."
"When I thought of all the relationships that I had been in (not just sexual) and how one person decided sometimes months ahead of time that the relationship was over, I remember how oblivious the other person was when it ended."
"By the way, this can also be applied to employment relationships as well."
- Mo_Jack
Don't Fight for Someone's Attention
"If someone does not want to hear you, there is no way you can phrase anything to make them listen."
"This applies to all types of relationships, but I learned it from trying so hard to have a healthy relationship with my mother. Then when I left at 25, she responded by filing a missing person's report, hiring a PI (Personal Investigator), harassing my friends, and hacking my email and bank accounts to monitor my activity."
"This also ties into: abusers see you taking away their ability to abuse you, as an egregious theft of their rightful property."
- CurrentSingleStatus
Be a United Front
"Problems aren’t You vs Me. They’re Us vs The Problem."
- FilecakeAbroad
No Codependent Relationships Here
"You cannot help someone who does not want to be helped."
- Diesel07012012
Be Honest About Your Feelings
"Listen to how you describe your partner to friends, or how you think at the moment how you're describing your partner to them. That will tell you a lot about how you feel about them."
"If you're nervous about introducing them, listen to why. If you're apologizing for their actions, pausing to reframe positive ways to speak about them, or ignoring the red flags, then listen to that instinct. If you're constantly talking about the problems or hiding them, pay attention to why."
"I remember being in one relationship and having those feelings of, 'Should I introduce her to the family, when I talk to others about her, I'm exhausted from some argument, etc.'"
"I remember another relationship, thinking, 'Oh, I would love her to meet the family, she'd get along with everyone's kids, my friends would love her, I just had this great moment with her, and I wanted to tell people about it, I enjoy talking about her.'"
"When you experience that difference (and you have the wisdom and experience to know you're not being deluded by things like abuse or newness or getting caught up in a big fire that's going to burn out fast), it tells you so much."
- ConvenienceStoreDiet
Be Mindful of Reciprocation
"Something a friend of mine once told me was, 'Always ask yourself if this relationship isn't taking more from you than it is giving you.'"
"It saved me a lot of heartbreak."
- Interferonno2fan
R-E-S-P-E-C-T
"If they don’t respect your boundaries while dating, they won’t respect them in marriage."
- Rachel1578
Cheaters Gonna Cheat
"My best mate got with a woman who cheated on her then-boyfriend to be with him. Then my mate and she stayed together for four years, but she ended up cheating on him with another guy that she is now dating."
"I warned him in the beginning and advised him not to get into a relationship with her to start with. If she can do it with one guy, she can do it with another."
"His argument was that her then-boyfriend was not good enough for her which was why she is cheating on him. But what he failed to realize was that no one is the best in the world, and if she decides that he isn’t good enough for her in the future, then she will cheat on him too. And that is exactly what happened."
- dp9116
Acknowledge Red Flags
"Red flags look like normal flags when wearing rose-colored glasses."
- Mezame_Drgn
Common Interests Aren't Everything
"Having a lot in common doesn’t equal a good relationship. It’s just a decent starting foundation."
- ironicallyunstable
Don't Go to Bedroom Angry - Or Do?
"I wouldn't say forever, yet, but since becoming a wife, I have learned that it's okay to sleep off a fight. Don't have to 'resolve' everything right then and there. Give each other space to let steam off and talk in the morning."
- beanedjibe
Be Loved for Who You Are
"Do not change your personality if you don't want to... I didn't realize until the breakup, that my ex did not like me, just the idea of what I could be..."
- Bethedr
Know the Difference
"When an argument comes out of nowhere, ask 'Are you yelling at me, or to me?'"
"It's helped with a lot of arguments. Sometimes we just need a backboard to scream at, and nine out of ten times, that backboard is your significant other."
"A lot of arguments get bad just because they don't know you are releasing anger, which is healthy in the right way."
- spenser1994
Some of these seem pretty simple, but they can make a huge impact in a relationship, if not also to the trajectory and health of a person's life. By understanding our own worth and how it's valued by others, we gave give ourselves a much happier ever after than we might have otherwise settled for.
We can all agree here that the dating life can be really hard to put up with, but we have to admit that dating also has its moments.
And sometimes those moments are cool enough to lead to a second date.
Redditor EmCWolf13 asked:
"What is a 'green flag' you've experienced on a first date that made you want to have a second date?"
Reliving Memories
"On our third date, we watched a movie at his place. He remembered that on our first date, I ordered a Dr. Pepper with my meal and a chocolate chip cookie for dessert."
"He had Dr. Pepper for me in the fridge and made me homemade chocolate chip cookies."
"He burned them but I married him two years later anyways."
- cassiecas88
A Solid Tipper
"When my girlfriend and I had our first date, her mom sent her with 50 bucks (just in case I made her pay, I guess)."
"Since I paid, she made the waiter cry by tipping him the whole 50 bucks; apparently, he was having a bad day."
- therealandy04
Feeling Celebrated
"We had been dating about six months and she showed up at my apartment with a homemade cake on my birthday."
"It might sound like no big deal to some people, but I had never dated a girl who cared about my birthday. I almost dropped to my knees and cried when I opened the door."
- DuckFan_87
Valuing Someone Else's Time
"She was an hour late. However, the entire time, she was texting me updates and telling me what she was doing to get there. We are going to be celebrating our one-year anniversary on 1/1."
- Rabidleopard
Puppy-Approved
"She came to my door, and my puppy got excited. Without skipping a beat, she scooped up the dog, and asked where the THREE of us were going."
"That was 19 years ago. Puppy is gone but we've stuck together through h*ll and back."
- Civilian216
They Clicked
"Sense of humor and feeling safe."
"I was living in Reno, Nevada at the time and this is my current relationship. The first date we went to downtown Reno to Hot August Nights. We walked through the event, viewing all the hot rod cars, and for dinner, we went to Subway."
"He is easy to talk to, and very funny. We took the bus from downtown to midtown viewing all the hot rods. Walked from midtown to my apartment in south Reno. Was the best night of my life so far. I love him so much."
- SnooCakes6773
The Little Things
"She appreciates all the small things. Biggest green flag."
- Ipalayhir_
Like an Old Friend
"We met up for park beers on our first date. From the get-go, things just felt natural. The conversation flowed, we laughed, and it felt more like meeting with an old friend than a first date. When it got dark, she brought me back to hers to meet her cat (no innuendo, we waited for a few dates to bang, and I just really love cats)."
"We didn't plan to, but we met up the next day. And the next. Took her to a family BBQ two weeks in, and they loved her. That easy, natural feeling never left. And right now her cat (now our cat) is screaming at me for dinner."
- maxhax
A Giving Spirit
"Not the first date, but the moment I knew I was gonna marry this man... We went grocery shopping."
"It was about 9 PM, and we had both just been paid. The young lady in line in front of us had a very young baby and was paying with WIC coupons and a food stamp EBT card."
"Her total came to about $22, and she was holding a $20. She looked dejected and put back the one and only thing that was probably her splurge, a candy bar and an energy drink."
"Other than that, she had baby food, diapers, chicken, rice, bananas, formula, wipes, the bare minimum."
"I turned around to tell my now-husband to hand me my wallet."
"I didn't have to. He already had his out, took out a $50 bill, handed it to her, and told her to keep the change. He changed her week, he changed my life. That was THE moment I knew he was it for me."
- KknhgnInepaOcnB11
An Extended Date
"We met in a nightclub, I took him home for some fun and games. When we woke up and had breakfast, he said, 'What would you like to do today?' instead of just leaving his number and doing the dash."
"We’ve been together for 27 years and married for 15 of them, and we’ve almost never spent a night apart."
- SpeakingOutOfTurn
Comfortable Silences
"First date, she was driving us to a spot to go hiking, about an hour’s drive. We’re talking and talking, but every once in a while we wouldn’t be talking, and it just felt so comfortable and not awkward being silent together."
- kamuelak
Pay It Forward
"First date with my now wife. Had plans to go to a fancy Italian restaurant. I show up a bit early, dressed as nice as my wardrobe allows, a couple of drinks before she gets there."
"But anyway she arrives and we enjoy dinner, drinks, appetizers, and dessert. The works."
"Anyway when it’s time for the check the waitress comes over and says, 'A person who prefers to remain anonymous picked up y'all tab and told me to tell y’all to continue to enjoy the night.'"
"We were both shocked. I wasn’t keeping tabs but this was an expensive meal we just had. I tipped well of course and I thought to myself the only reason anyway would do that is they say an obvious first date unfolding and thought we were cute/happy/genuine or something."
"We both felt pretty special. Been married for three years. Together for 8. We eventually paid it forward to another young couple years later."
"Total boss move by the way. Definitely feel good about yourself."
- _Ryman_
Onward!
"We stayed at the wine bar much longer than planned, and we were trying to race to a restaurant for food before places closed. So, I offered her a piggyback ride to run it, due to her wearing heels. She jumped on, threw her arm forward, and yelled, 'Onward!'"
"We didn't make it to the restaurant in time, but did end up at the nearby diner for a few more hours. Been married just passed 3 years now, and leaving for our honeymoon (FINALLY, thanks to the pandemic), in 10 hours."
- Devlin7
Clear Intentions
"He made it clear it was a date and that he was interested without it ever feeling creepy or like he was pressuring me for anything."
"We talked for hours, went from restaurant to walking up and down the river to my place for a beer, then I offered for him to stay over but on a mattress on the floor (I was in a studio with no couch), not in my bed and he wasn’t pushy about anything more happening."
"The first few weeks he was always sweet and respectful but made it so clear that he was interested in a relationship, no back and forth or second guessing. And now we’re married!"
- pincho_de_tortilla
An Easy Bet
"A two-hour date that felt like five minutes. At the end of it she made some silly bet with me that she said if she lost, she’d go out with me again. And of course, she lost."
"It was about eight green flags."
- coyote-1
All of these stories are sweet and sure to leave a smile on someone's face.
Sometimes dating is really easy, and when it comes to seeing a future with someone, sometimes you just know.
Do you have similar dating experiences? Let us know in the comments below.
Women Who've Given The 'Nice Guy' A Chance Break Down How It Actually Went
I once heard "nice guys" characterized as those who are chivalrous in public and misogynistic in private, and that's an observation that appears to get to the heart of the experiences of many women out there who've had to navigate a minefield while dating.
"Nice" guys are typically anything but.
Suffice it to say that if you actually are one, there's no need to declare it.
Women shared their stories with us after Redditor Jin_Kazama asked the online community:
"Girls that gave the 'nice guy' a chance, how did it go?"
"I was coming out of a string..."
"I was coming out of a string of really bad, toxic, abusive relationships so I promised myself that I would try to find a nice guy to date. Well, I had a first date with this one guy, we'll call him Tim."
"It was a fine date. He was nice and we had fine conversations. I didn't feel any immediate chemistry, but I was also not used to dating guys who weren't blatant asses so I figured that was why I didn't feel an immediate connection. I told myself I'd go on one more date with him and see if the connection grew in any way."
"So we go on a second date a week later. It was a short date, we.had an early dinner, and I was back home 90 minutes after he picked me up to drive me to dinner. Again, no sparks, but he was nice and it wasn't a bad date. So I told myself I'd go on one more date with him and that would be the deciding factor."
"I was still wrestling in my head with the idea that I was just not attracted to him because he wasn't an a-hole and maybe I was just scared of nice guys. Well, on our third date, he asked me to move in with him, offered to put me on his health insurance plan (I was uninsured at the time) and told me he loved me."
"I very gently told him that he was a great guy, but he was clearly more invested than I was, and that it wasn't fair to him, that he deserved to be with someone who was equally attracted to him. At the time he was cordial, but confused, and we parted ways."
"Next day, he posts a long, long rant on Facebook about how nice guys finish last, girls only want to date a-holes, he opened his heart and his home to 'this ungrateful b**ch' only to be slapped with a rejection. He left it up for a few days,.and then blocked me."
idontcare4205
The things people put on social media are wild. You dodged a bullet. Next time, trust your gut.
"He begged me..."
"He begged me to masturbate for him while he drove me home and when I refused, he threatened to rape me... and then couldn't understand why I didn't want anything to do with him after that."
SageThistle
That is terrifying. Thankfully you managed to get away!
"He once said to me..."
"Went on and on about what a great, compassionate guy he was. He was actually just your garden variety, abusive psycho. He once said to me: "I wish you had been abused so you would realise how great I am." Who says that?!"
OhNoMyKeys
The kind of person who says that is the kind of person who thinks they might be able to get away with abusing you.
"I offended him immediately..."
"I finally allowed him to take me on a date to breakfast. Figured midday would be ideal to meet up in public. "
"I offended him immediately when I spoke to the waitress. I said, "We have two" when she asked how many we had. He insisted that she was asking him, not me, and I emasculated him in public. I laughed it off as a joke. I grew up with all brothers. Surely, he was trying to be funny."
"We sat down. The waitress asked for our order. I gave her mine. He groaned and asked her to come back in a second. He told me proper protocol was for me to discuss what I wanted to eat with him, allow him to make the decision, and he was supposed to relay that to the waitress - not me!"
"I told him he was crazy and left. Blocked his number. Ghosted completely."
AndThenThereIsJess
Ghosting him was ABSOLUTELY the correct decision.
"I noped the f**k out..."
"The “nice” guy tried moving into my dorm room after 4 days. I noped the f**k out of that relationship."
particularad7304
Four days??
Amateur.
"At first..."
"At first I was sympathetic that he hadn't really made any friends before we dated (starting at the end of our junior years of high school) and believed him when he talked about how "people always bullied him wherever he went" and "no one wanted to make friends with him.""
"He also loved the idea of dating someone who was going to be a counselor because he thought it was an admirable job."
"Turns out he just wanted someone to be more of a therapist than a partner to him, and he would get upset if I didn't walk on eggshells around him. Later on he also started blaming me for not wanting to have sex with him every day.
"I was getting FREQUENT urinary tract infections (multiple a month at one point) and was physically unable to, but that was an excuse to him."
"He considered masturbating almost as reprehensible as cheating on him, so when I wouldn't be in the mood (every day) it would be my fault for masturbating (whether I had or not) and got to a point where I would just agree to get it over with and get him to leave me alone."
"He had a lot of weird ideas about sex and how it could only be missionary with very little foreplay or aftercare, so sex became this uncomfortable two-minute daily dissociation that I got through for awhile because I thought that's what I had to do for someone to love me."
"I've since found a partner who values me and takes care of me back when I take care of him (although lately he's been doing much more to support me). He is a gift that I am constantly grateful for."
beaches_and_scream
Glad to hear you found a partner who appreciates you! That's the best revenge.
"He proposed to me..."
"He proposed to me after we worked on a group project. When I turned down this guy I barely knew and definitely never dated he stalked and harassed me for about half a year until he found his next "true love." He was a serial proposer."
a-little-sleepy
Serial proposer, eh?
He clearly has self-esteem issues (and sounds deluded).
"He went out bowling..."
"He went out bowling with his friends and then when he came home he complained to me that for the first time in his life a hot girl had hit on him while he was out, and he was unlucky enough to actually have a girlfriend. He seemed genuinely sad he had to turn her down, and expected me to be grateful he did it."
AndThenThereIsJess
Wait a minute... what?!
Men are truly something else. The disconnect is wild.
"He also had a horrible drinking problem..."
"He was always nice to me but very easily jealous anytime another guy spoke to me. We were just friends and only went out once yet he felt like he needed to make me feel bad whenever other guys gave me a little attention. He also had a horrible drinking problem and serious anger issues."
"And the whole time he was trying to woo me, he was also hooking up with his ex and ended up getting her pregnant. So yeah, no regrets about that."
lyn90
You shouldn't regret a single thing about your decision to get away from him!
As you can see, dating is a MINEFIELD.
Men, do better. There are many reasons why dating can make women reason and the stories mentioned here are just a few examples.
Have some stories of your own? Feel free to tell us more in the comments below!
Want to "know" more?
Sign up for the Knowable newsletter here.
Never miss another big, odd, funny, or heartbreaking moment again.
Warning: Some of these entries may be considered NSFW.
Dating in the age of the internet can be a nightmare. Dating apps and websites are full of false identities, pranksters, and people who are downright creeps. There's really a fifty-fifty shot of what can happen when you finally do take the plunge and meet up with someone you've met online: it can go great (or at least averagely), or be a total horror story.
Redditor u/MysticPato asked people to share their dating app horror stories, and there were more than enough unlucky in love people ready to share their stories.
10. A surprise double date
Giphy"It ended up being a double date with his mom and her OkCupid date. He told me that he and his mom were a 'package deal'. I was mortified and there was no second date."
9. How the tables turn...
"Sexted with this really hot girl after matching for about a day, and she starts getting all kinky with me. She then tells me she's actually a guy trolling me.
I said 'joke's on you cuz im bi'
He unmatched"
8. What a creep...
"I messaged a girl who wanted to meet up, so I go out to the coffee shop and she's not there. I ask her what's up and she totally admits to being a dude catfishing me just so he could check me out in public, and goes on a rant about what a shame it is that I'm a lesbian because he'd totally **** me. I feel like the creepiest part for me was that he never once tried to get nudes or anything, which I'd at least understand the effort for, he just wanted to stare at me in public."
7. He had "better" ideas for her money
"Talked to him for two weeks before we went out and no red flags so we ended up going out to dinner. I said I hadn't been out in a while because I was trying to save money for a washer and dryer. He told me instead of saving for that I should save for a boob job. I didn't even know how to reply so he followed up with, 'no it's not a bad thing, my sister and Mom both had small tits and got boob jobs and they look amazing.' This is all before the waitress even brought our drinks. I just got up and left."
6. Leave Scorpios alone
"First date, she wanted me to get into a bar fight with the perfectly friendly guy who'd bought us a round of shots that night. Why? Because she found out he was a Scorpio."
5. Don't say things on the internet that you'll regret
"This girl I matched with just messaged to troll me. I was like 'hey what's up' and she was like 'don't talk to me unless you plan on fucking me with your 9 inch ****'. I forgot what my reply was but she obviously never messaged back.
Then a week later I'm getting McDonald's and this girl was the one who handed me my food. She recognizes me instantly and just had this total look of fear in her eyes. I walked out of there so quick. That poor girl thought I purposely sought her out to confront her or something."
4. An unforgettable first kiss
"He gave me my first kiss. I didn't hear from him for two days. On the third day he texted me that he had been arrested. Haven't heard from him since."
3. It's a small world
"I went to his place and we hooked up but after he goes 'so you wanna know what I'm really into?' And I was like sure and then he grabs my foot. I have a really irrational fear of people touching my feet so I ran the hell out of there anyway I get to the living room on the way out and it turns out to be his parents house and I look at his mother and see she was my old therapist"
1. Respect the hustle
"Met up with a tinder girl at Dave and busters. She brought me there for a *******pyramid scheme sign up presentation. Guess I respect the hustle"