u/clinically_weird asked: Former "nice guys" what made you realize what you were doing wrong and made you change?
A hard realization.
Lost a relationship I was in, drove away some other friends. Ended up mellowing out over time as I got more comfortable with who I am. Had a few cases of people I was not interested in bugging me for a relationship, so started to understand the other side.
Really hit home a couple years back when I found r/niceguys and realised just how terrible I was, seeing some of how I used to act in the posts. These days I'm very continuous of how even innocent comments can effect people when taken in a wider picture, and I try to make sure I don't go down that path again.
Called him on his bs.
GiphyI realized I judged girls for not wanting to date me cause I was overweight, but I literally did the exact same thing.... Also I made a really good female friend who called me on my sh*t.
I hated that when I tried online dating. I need to lose a few pounds, but was aware of my market value, and was open to seeing chubby guys. The same guys who wanted to only date thin hot models usually complained about being single.
Very different things.
The nice guy is still in there, and it's an important part of who I am. What I cut off were all the so-called 'nice guy' behaviors that were really only ploys to selfishly get what I wanted or to appear like I deserved something when it was really only an act.
People (ie women) really do like authentic nice guys- without the quotes. Guys who think about others, guys who act in altruistic or supportive ways, guys who generally like other people, guys who are confident enough in themselves that they don't need to telegraph an idealized image of themselves constantly.
Acting like a 'nice guy' and becoming a nice guy are very different things.
Time to grow up.
Just got older and stopped caring about finding a relationship, now it all looks cringey and pathetic.
Was never one of the ahole 'niceguys' that shout at and threatens women, just the whiny kind that mopes about not having a girlfriend. A lot of people b*tch about growing up and being an adult, but it has been great to me, childhood and teen years were nothing but angsty sh*t for me, glad its all over with.
Dang.
GiphyI read Perks of Being a Wallflower as suggested by my long-time crush. When I finished it she told me I reminded her of the main character, I thanked her.
She said, "That's not a compliment," and proceeded to tell me I also never just reached for what I wanted.
The me at the time took this as a sign that I should ask her out, so I did. She said no. I felt... tricked and asked why she told me to reach if she was going to say no. She said, "Because now you have a real answer and you can move on with your life instead of worrying about mine."
It took a couple years of deciphering what the hell all that meant, but that was the start of it.
The first step.
Stumbled upon an article about "nice guys" and realized I was acting the same way. Realized this is not the kind of person I wanted to be.
I wish I could say my dating life got better after this realization, but it has not. I've just learned not to take rejection so personally.
Truth.
Realizing that treating women like human beings instead of worshipping them is the better foundation for a solid relationship than bending over backwards.
NOT saying to not be nice. Always be nice/caring/loving. But don't be afraid to pick on them. Tease them. Have a normal conversation with them about normal things. You never know where it might lead. And don't be afraid to stand up for yourself and walk away from a situation if it makes you uncomfortable or unhappy.
Fawning over a woman only makes you come off as weird/creepy/crazy. Treat them like a friend and be their friend before you try to look for a romantic relationship. Being pushy and demanding only causes them to walk away.
I feel like this is basic knowledge that should be learned for social interaction in general. It applies to both romantic and non-romantic relationships.
Confidence is key.
GiphyI wasn't full on, but definitely not out of the ballpark. Just completely lacked confidence and a healthy bout of assertiveness/directness.
It's something that ebbs and flows. But basically, you eventually realize that if you really want something, what ever it is, it's up to you to make it happen. That girl you're interested in, the position you want at your job, the bacon that was supposed to be on your cheeseburger, is rarely going to come to you if you sit there politely. By no means do you have to be a dick, you just have to ask and get the ball rolling.
Now that's growth.
I might not have been considered a nice guy since I'm a lesbian, but for a while I checked a lot of the boxes. I harassed girls, too much, objectified despite being a girl myself. I would get so pissed if I got rejected and blamed her. What changed me was being sexually assaulted. I hate that that's how I had to learn, but that's how I learned. I was assaulted by a guy and a girl.
After that I joined a sexual assault support group, and reconnected with a girl in there who I had actually harassed a bit in the past. When I reconnected with her she told me that that time I have her a hickey, she didn't want it, had a PTSD attack after. It made me feel absolutely horrible.
I became a huge feminist after that and have done a few events where I speak up about female abusers. I was one, I was attacked by one, I really hope to make more people aware of this. Literally changed my life and how I see everything.
You'll get there.
For me, in 10th grade, it was realizing that I was distraught over Quasimodo not getting with Esmeralda in The Hunchback of Notre Dame.
I then had a moment of self reflection, and realized that my thoughts were more in line with Frollo's; "I am so pure, so great, that she has to be mine." It took some time, but that was my basis for moving away from the "nice guy" mentality.
Now, women still don't want to date me, but that's okay. I'll get there eventually.