People Who Shoplift Regularly Explain Why They Do It
"Reddit user WineOhCanada asked: 'People who shoplift on the regular: why do you do it?'"
Shoplifting is a prevalent issue, but why do people do it?
Some reasons can be as banal as boredom, but other are far more intruiging.
Redditor WineOhCanada wanted to understand why people steal, so they asked:
"People who shoplift on the regular: why do you do it?"
I loved shoplifting.
Until I was caught, that is. I was a price tag switcher.
I apologize.
So Excited
Happy Thomas Lennon GIF by ABC NetworkGiphy"It makes me feel alive. Jk I don't any more but as a kid, it was for sure a thrill thing."
silly-billy-goat
The Need
"I’m going to give an actual honest answer as someone who has not done this in many years… it becomes addicting."
anewchapteroflife
"Came here to say this. Back in my high school days, I would do it all the time. It's like a rush. Now my shoplifting days are when I forgot the can of soup on the bottom of the grocery cart and don't realize til I'm loading it in the car."
TheRumpleForesk1n
"I used to work in loss prevention. A lot of times we would let you go; especially teenagers. We knew you would be back and have pictures on the wall of you. We focused on shoplifting rings with a higher dollar amount and employees. Employees rob you blind."
taco_cop
The Hit
"I was greedy and had poor impulse control. While shoplifting was terrifying... having the shiny new thing after gave me a dopamine hit. I got caught three or four times and I thank Christ I was under 18 each and every time."
happyele
"It was less about greed for me I think, I've never been addicted to any drugs, whenever I got caught I would always test negative for anything, the custody sergeant who would take my fingerprints/DNA/drug swab would say 'Sean you're the only one that comes in regular that's not on any drugs, what's going on?' I explained that I was homeless, lost my job because the company I worked for folded, and life just kicked me in the butt."
"Flirty Chez I called her, and she would always give me extra food whenever I was brought in, I just thought that was how she was, then one day she said I need a girlfriend and I shot her down, no more flirty Chez. She was shooting her shot and I rejected her without even knowing it."
hardcoresean84
Exchanges
"Much to my mom’s embarrassment, I was a serial shoplifter as a baby. At least I had the presence of mind to take off my socks and shoes and leave them scattered around the store in exchange."
UsualFrogFriendship
"I was once on a camping trip with my parents. We left the campsite for a day and when we got back our soap had been stolen from the tent. Just our soap, nothing else was taken, but we did find the shoes of the perpetrator!"
"This kid left them right at the entrance of our tent, so it was not difficult to find out who did it. When we went to get the soap back and give him back his shoes, sadly the kid threw it over a fence, so we never got it back."
ptbroeke
Influences
Breaking Bad Crying GIFGiphy"My easily influenced mind was corrupted by TV. If it's good enough for Marie Schrader then it's good enough for me."
DavosLostFingers
TV rots your brains and decision making capabilities.
Do the opposite of your favorite characters.
End of Times
Nbc Shoplifting GIF by SuperstoreGiphy"When I was bedridden due to Covid, I had a friend who shoplifted a whole damn box worth of medicine from different drugstores."
"I was very impressed and confused, as I didn't ask for it. Great friend though!"
pepper-blu
Criminals
"As a former loss prevention officer, most of the people I stopped were stealing to resell the items. Many people were clearly drug addicts and many people I stopped had meth and other drugs on them. Not every shoplifter is stealing to buy drugs, but a ton of them are."
"A lot of other people just stole items they wanted, and some people just have a stealing problem and would take whatever random BS they came across and thought would be easy to steal. If I ever saw someone stealing food I'd usually look the other way, but that was pretty rare to see someone taking food, it was usually clothes, electronics, makeup, or tools."
BigBudZombie
The Rush
"Addiction. And that's addiction to shoplifting, not drugs. It's a rush. Confidence grows with each success. It becomes an obsession. It brings an amount of power when stealing from giant corporations. For me, this question is similar to asking an addict why they are addicted to drugs or alcohol."
"I haven't shoplifted in three years. I attended Shoplifters Anonymous and continue to go to therapy which are both very helpful. I'm very lucky I didn't lose everything."
tacoterrarium
Self-Control
"In high school, I dated this guy who would shoplift and I got influenced to start doing it. After we broke up I kept doing it all throughout college since I was a broke college student who had no self-control. I only shoplifted from big retail stores and told myself it was 'okay.' Post college I stopped because the possible consequences as an adult and to my career were not worth it."
isatacobelle
There was no good in it
"I used to do it as a means to support my drug habit. I wouldn't call what I was doing shoplifting though. I moved the volume and high-end merchandise. Honda generators from Home Depot or Lowe's. Shopping carts full of Tide pods, and Similac baby formula. I'd hit Nordstrom during the holidays for their perfumes and colognes. COACH, Burberry for purses."
"I made a good chunk of change from it, yet I was still homeless. Most of my money went to drugs, and hotel rooms at shi**y hotels. I'm no longer like this. I reached out and went to rehab this past July. I now have 132 days clean and sober, and work an honest job. My life's boring as hell now and I love it. Even though people on the street complimented and applauded my skills."
"I was never proud of myself for any of the stealing I was doing. There was no good in it. Now I feel good about myself and can be proud of what I do. It's a nice feeling to go into a store and not have to be aware of my surroundings and not tighten up when the greeters ask for a receipt. Because now, I can happily show them one. Lol."
Crotch-Monster
Think First
Steve Austin Wrestling GIF by WWEGiphy"I work for a 3-letter retail store in NV and we have a ton of theft. I see a lot of random products for sale on the FB marketplace. If it adds up to over $1,200 it’s grand larceny and you get arrested."
"Walmart also allows up to a certain amount to be returned with no receipt and you get cash back."
samisalwaysmad
What have we learned kids?
Theft never really pays.
Do you have any experiences? Let us know in the comments below.
People Divulge The Worst Lies They Ever Caught Their Parents Telling
"Reddit user Hackedfaith asked: 'What is the worst lie you caught your parents telling?'"
Parents lie.
But the older we get, the more we realize parents are not just humans telling little white lies.
They can be villains with malicious intent.
Catching a parent in a lie can be soul-crushing.
But it's a part of growing up.
Hopefully we learn how to be better.
Redditor Hackedfaith wanted to hear about the times people realized their parents were hard-fibbing, so they asked:
"What is the worst lie you caught your parents telling?"
My mom told me anything in life was possible.
And cheaters never win.
Yeah sure. Sell me an igloo an Iceland too.
Expelled
Andy Samberg Ugh GIF by The Lonely IslandGiphy"My Dad used to tell me that he learned all of his cool tricks and skills in 'Daddy School.' I'm now 28, married and still have not been enrolled."
AdLive7065
Thief
"That the 2K I earned at my summer job would be safe in my mom's savings account until I wanted to withdraw it later. Never saw that money again."
drillgorg
"I lost money to my mom too. I was a kid, told her I had $50 in change (I don't know where it all came from), and she said I didn't. She counted it and it was gone."
"She stole a good deal of my babysitting money. Hundreds of dollars. She filed my first tax return (without telling me) and kept whatever money I would have got. She told me that the fee to get it done was about as much as I would have gotten back."
Sarhii
A Second Family
"That my mother was schizophrenic. I was 15 and knew she had been battling depression for years. Schizophrenia runs in our family and as an angsty teenager, it was very easy for me to believe... She was completely convinced that my father had a secret second family. She was diagnosed and medicated for years. He did have a second family."
Thationdeas76
"He did have a second family??? That had to have been devastating. 'Just because you're paranoid, doesn't mean they aren't after you.'"
TwoLittleNeedleMarks
2008
"That they couldn’t afford to pay for college. So I took a job during the day and paid my way through night and weekend school. Turns out I had a decent trust fund from my grandfather. I could have graduated and started working for a higher wage 4 years earlier. I tell myself that graduating in 2008 wouldn’t have been a good idea anyway."
RandomRavenclaw87
Weekends Only
Looney Tunes Rabbit GIFGiphy"Up until I was 8 years old, they told me that daddy was away at college. We would go see him on weekends. Found out later that he was in prison. I wondered why we could only talk to him behind glass on a telephone."
hhairy
The truth about parents can often to difficult to accept.
That's why there is therapy.
Scandal
Shocked Oh No GIF by Yêu LuGiphy"Found out when I was 25 I have a sister one year older than me that they gave up for adoption, I'm 37 and have been searching for her for the past 10 years."
Even_Future2580
'Mom! Mom!'
"One night I went downstairs to ask my mother something. My dad was a light sleeper and would get really pissed if anyone woke him up, so I whispered, 'Mom! Mom!' All of a sudden my dad sat up and yelled at me to get lost. They told me I should never sneak up on them because they had a gun and my dad thought I was an intruder and almost shot me."
"They scared the bejeezus out of me. Sometimes when I tried to get to sleep I'd remember how my dad almost shot me. For years. Even after I moved out. Decades later, I mentioned it to my mom. She started laughing and told me they were having sex. There was no gun."
Sapphyrre
Internal Affairs
"My dad went into the ER with stroke-like symptoms. He ended up having a severe brain bleed that required immediate and major surgery. While he was laying in the ICU, my mother, who opened their computer to get insurance info, found messages on his linked-in page, that he’d left open earlier that morning before I took him to the ER, from a woman he was engaged to in college. They had been having an affair for over a year."
ParanrmlGrl
Still Works
"They told me if I was lying there would be bubbles on my tongue. So when they asked me something and they thought I was lying they'd tell me to stick out my tongue. If I knew I was telling the truth, I'd open my mouth confidently and show off my bubble-free tongue. If I was lying, I'd try to scrape the bubbles off with my teeth. I now use it on my son. Still works."
Obst1994
Tilly
"When I was 4 We had a dog called Tilly, my mom said that she gave her away to a boy who couldn't speak and she died while saving him from drowning in a river Years later when I was around 13, my mom was on the phone with her friends and they were talking about their pets that passed away, turns out that tilly died because my mom was drunk and let her out of the house, she ended up getting hit by a car."
Yogurt2022
Bad Bunny
Easter Bunny Dance GIF by SportsManiasGiphy"When my sibling and I were young, we were tossing toys around that the Easter Bunny had left for us. My mom started yelling at us, 'I did not buy those for you to treat them like that.'"
ExMoIsMyPersonality
Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, Tooth Fairy... the lies are enormous.
Image by Hands off my tags! Michael Gaida from Pixabay |
Guilty. I'm guilty as sin. And I have no shame in admitting that. We've all behaved badly and have been caught unexpectedly while in the midst of our naughtiness. Life goes on, but the eyes of a witness can never unsee what they've seen. And those of us who are guilty of... whatever... can never wash away that feeling of humility.
When one is caught in a compromising sitch, one should just smile, nod and move along. Unless it's murder or something. That's a bigger fish to fry.
Redditor u/JakeGyllenHaalz wanted to who has the guts to fess up to all of us, by asking:
What's the worst thing you've been caught doing?
Don't Look
Cat Driving GIFGiphy"My aunt, unexpectedly, drove up next to me. My wife was currently going down on me. We make eye contact. I obviously say "the hell" which made my wife look up. The look of horror as we all made eye contact was pretty awkward."
"I don't know"
"Not me, but I was there. My best friend's mom caught her having sex in the garage when we were teenagers. Her mom asked me where she was and I just said "I don't know." And then I hear the garage door open and was like "she's screwed." Happened over ten years ago and my best friend and I still laugh about it."
- Winter
Not a Teen Movie!
"I was caught naked in the closet of my lesbian then-girlfriend's bedroom as a teenager, by her catholic parents. They got home early and my clothes were right there in the living room. Yes I know it sounds like a teen movie, no I didn't mean to star in one. They didn't even wait for me to leave before yelling at her."
"I was internally like what in the hell. I awkwardly left and she ended up joining me a while later crying, pretty much the only time I ever saw her cry. We're friends now and we just pretend it never happened. I manage to forget it until times like this."
- ramune_0
On the Job
"Going back many years but I got caught having sex with my then girlfriend at work (now ex-wife). We knew it was an area with no cameras but our manager walked past and caught us. Somehow we didn't lose our jobs that day and he told us he'd look the other way, but to never do crap like that again."
Pillow Talk
season 2 chocolate with nuts GIF by SpongeBob SquarePantsGiphy"My grandpa once walked in on my fifteen year old self making out with a pillow while I was spending the summer with him and my grandma, it's a good thing he was senile and didn't know what I was doing."
People Share Their Unexpected Happiest Moments | George Takei’s Oh Myyy
While many of life's big events like weddings and births bring us joy, even the smallest of gestures or gifts can leave a lasting impression. Especially if y...Oh my, y'all are scandalous. I mean you could write romance novels and comics about these clandestine encounters. I feel "Like a Virgin" reading all of this. Let's continue...
Bad Times
where are you waiting GIF by SWR KindernetzGiphy"Out after my towns curfew. I didn't even know we had a curfew till that day. Or was it the time i was caught on the church roof next to my trailer park? Dunno, but it was with the same friend from both times."
Butt Twins
"I was at the gym and saw my wife in front of me on the stair machine. I stood behind her and used my phone to video her, particularly her butt. She didn't know I was there. I texted the video to my wife. She texted back later and said "you like her do Yah?" I looked over and from the side I could see this girl on the machine and it absolutely was not my wife. She looked exactly like her from behind. FML."
- Deedum78
High as Kites
"I got caught smoking pot and drinking when I was in high school by a teacher, a substitute teacher, and the principal. We were having a small get together, like 6 of us, at my friend's grandmother's house. We didn't realize her neighbor, who was a teacher at our school, was having her own get together. She was normally at the country club letting loose on the weekend. We saw that and knew we couldn't smoke in the house, so we just turned out the lights and snuck outside."
"We were sitting out there and had gotten high as kites. We thought we were in the clear. We heard someone from the neighbors house go "hello?" And we all got super quiet. They again said "hello? Is someone out there?" I said "hey!" Them:"what are y'all doing" Me: "oh just hanging out" Them: "who's all over there?" I told them. Well the teacher had gotten sloshed and decided to come over to say hello."
"We reeked of pot and booze and she picked on us for it. The sub was like leave them alone, "I told you not to come over here." The principal walks up beer in hand and sees it's her students- and her eyes get big. We were all a part of a Christian school and should've been expelled and them fired but we all just kind of agreed to never speak of it again. I still laugh when I think about it."
Whipped
that 70s show whip cream GIF by IFCGiphy"It was the middle of the night at my boyfriend's house, and his mom caught me drinking whipping cream straight from the carton when she came back in from taking the dog out."
- hei4esnn
So much sex. Why is it always sex? We really need to calm down about sex. But it really is the most interesting and blush inducing topic. Always will be.
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People Who Were Wrongly Accused Of Cheating On Their Significant Other Share Their Stories
When we fall in love it's a beautiful experience. We always become so swept up in the glory of it all we neglect to think about what it means to actually succumb to the heart's desires. Falling in love and deciding to pursue a relationship with another means you're placing implicit trust in another human. Because if you can't trust them or yourself, there is no point.
But too often we sully that trust. Yes people cheat. But not all people. And if you're going to be obsessed about it, stay single. Too many people have never strayed and they live under suspicion they don't deserve.... or do they?
Redditor u/Sparrowflyaway wanted to hear from y'all about why we should believe "it wasn't you" by asking.... Innocent people whose SO wrongly thought you were cheating on them, what's your story?Clean Up Screw
clean up GIFGiphyWas told one time that going to help my parent's clean up their house was me secretly going to their neighbor's house to cheat, even though my parents attested for me it was chalked up to them "taking their child's side because they're my parents" and also not to mention their only neighbor is an elderly couple.
In the Act
He had been behaving progressively strange for some time. My whole social life pretty much happens online, it's always been like that, and most of my friends are male. It started with him worrying about me having feelings for my male friends because I was smiling at my phone when I was chatting to them. I was suddenly defending myself almost full time, had a new job of constantly reassuring him.
That evolved into him coming home early from work, or lying about his shifts so he could come home without me expecting him, hoping to "catch me in the act". It just kept getting worse. His behavior was never abusive in any way, but it definitely caused a rift in our relationship. It came to the point where I was so tired of always having him look over my shoulder, and checking on me constantly when I left the house that I was getting ready to leave him, and told him as much.
He asked me to stay, promising he would seek help. He booked us a marriage counsellor, which we saw for a year, and he went to a physician to get a referral to a psychiatrist. The doctor sent him for some blood tests, and as it turns out he has a severe b12 deficiency which was causing extreme paranoia.
True to his word, he worked on himself. He saw a therapist for some time, we went to counseling together, and he took b12 supplements and started taking anti anxiety medication (which he still takes).
I fell very deeply in love with him again, and decided I wanted to stay after all. We're still together, and while we have our ups and downs, we have a very strong and loving relationship.
He gotta go!
My Bf, who I lived with, wasn't working and I was working 4 jobs to pay all the bills and save a bit. After a year of this I told him I wasn't happy and gave him a deadline to move out or have a job. He started accusing me of cheating. He would call the places I worked or show up to make sure I was where I said I was. He would follow me to the gym then yell at me for flirting with the trainers (it was a crossfit gym and everyone there were all friends). If I went out with friends he would call every 20 minutes and it would always be a fight when I got home.
Eventually he isolated me from my friends, the gym owner banned him from the property and two of the places I worked had talks with me about him interrupting my work day. We had huge fights about him accusing me of cheating. He would pull up personal ads online and accuse me of creating them. He went through my phone and computer, deleted a lot of things including messages and pictures from my fiancé who had passed 5 years before I met my ex. He would not leave and would not get a job.
I talked to the landlord and she sympathized but said that if i left and he did not leave the apartment an eviction would include both of our names. I finally talked to his parents and they agreed to take him. I convinced him to move l, he thought we were moving together and were going to start over in a new place, when we got to his parents I left the next day.
SUPRISE!!!
Excited Stephen Colbert GIF by The Late Show With Stephen ColbertGiphySo one night after Christmas a few years ago my wife was trying to set up a toy for our daughter.
It was one of those smart toys that you could program to say the kids name and other stuff. Well her phone died so she asked for mine. I said "no, don't worry about that I will do it later." She kept asking why I wouldn't let her use my phone, and I kept saying I can't right now its a secret." She eventually let it go and grabbed her laptop but she made it clear she was unhappy with me.
The reason I couldn't let her right that moment is literally moments before she asked, I had reached out to all of her friends to plan a surprise birthday party for her. So while this is happening I'm getting dozens of texts that I wont let her read... it was a long night. Eventually her party came and she was happily surprised, and laughed when I explained why I couldn't lend her mine at that moment.
Explain Yourself....
Ohhh man.
About 7 years ago my wife found a woman's earring in our house and accused me of cheating (she had been away for three months doing a summer program out of the country).
I get why she was suspicious, it does look incriminating, especially since it was this fancy dangly earring in a style that my wife doesn't wear.
Except I literally had no idea who the earring belonged to or how it got there, and it's been a mystery in our life since then. No woman came to visit the house while she was away, and I was working ludicrously long hours and was not home for most of the time. My wife found it sitting on a bookshelf in our home office when she returned from her studies.
We legitimately have no idea how the earring got there. No. Freaking. Clue. I told my wife bluntly (after many arguments on the matter) that the only explanations I have left are that some woman broke into out house, stole nothing, and left the earring, or that I genuinely had dissociative identity disorder and apparently lived another life without knowing it.
If someone out there did break into my house and planted that earring to screw with my life... I salute your efforts, you conniving savage.
I love my BB
I call my youngest brother bb ( bébé, cause i'm french ) because he was born when i was 14 and i almost raised him. My boyfriend was jealous, when he saw "bb" on my tel contacts list ... He then asked me if my bro was physically attractive.. The question was weird but screw it ! I said yes, my little brother is handsome, intelligent, I love him and I'm proud of him so what? Overly Jealous people are ridiculous.
It's not Mine or it is but there is a reason....
So my best friend and her bf watched my cat for me and stayed at my apartment when I was out of town for a week. Months after I was back from the trip, my boyfriend was helping me move my bed and a condom wrapper fell out of the bed frame. We had literally never used condoms so he understandably was like what the hell. I had to call my best friend on speaker and idk if he really believed me.
Lookin' Good Girl
lady gaga premiere GIF by RuPaul's Drag RaceGiphyShe found a pair of panties mixed in with my laundry.
She accused me of cheating on her. I tried to explain to her that they were mine, she called me a liar as well. Huge fight. A few days later I asked her to come over so we could talk. She agreed. When she arrived I answered the door dressed in drag. And that's how she found out. That was the only way I could think of to show her that they were my undies. We had an overdue conversation about it. She commented on how well I was walking in heels and knew I wasn't lying.
Hold me Bud
One time I thought my girlfriend (now wife) was cheating on me. We lived about an hour apart and she moved into a house with a bunch of work mates, both male and female. I drove up to surprise her, and when parked out front, everyone was sitting outside. She was sitting on this guy's lap and they were all cuddly.
I walk up and say "Surprise, I came for a visit!".... expecting the worst.
She got up, came over and hugged me and introduced me to her seatmate James, who I quickly learned was very gay. He sashayed over and hugged me as well.
I have never been so glad to have been hugged by a gay man.
Dream It. Be It.
sexy man GIFGiphyMy boyfriend accused me of cheating. He said he'd had a dream that I said to him, "do you have a condom I can borrow? I'm going home with whatshisname from the gym tonight." Of course, because he dreamt it, it must be true.
Crazy is Crazy
Accused me of being the woman in a random porn video he had been watching (her face was not showing).... Accused me of sleeping with coworkers, neighbors.... I used to be afraid to arrive even five minutes later than usual from work.... Made me lose my job by starting a confrontation with a coworker on work premises after calling his house - this was a married man I barely even interacted with, but for some reason he got it into his head and was very sure something was happening between us.
I could go on and on and on with endless examples of how he twisted everything in our life together to conclude I was a cheater.
If you have a jealous SO, don't blink twice, just run like f***ing hell, it does not get better with time, only worse. They will literally ruin your life and leave you a whimpering shadow of who you used to be. I was a nervous and emotional wreck when I finally left him.
Uninterested
Sad Cat GIFGiphyThe suspicion arose because I seemed distant/unavailable and uninterested in sex.
You must be getting it somewhere. Everyone does.
Nope. Depressive episode.
But I didn't know how to explain it and it was even less acceptable to talk about then even if I could have.
The Past
She'd been cheated on by her ex and so was very suspicious of anytime I went out alone, work or leisure- she admitted she didn't trust me but in reality didn't trust anyone. It became a very big issue before we separated.
Suddenly....
My ex suddenly became convinced that I was cheating on him. I really don't know where the thought came from. He never accused me of cheating before, but when he started to he was certain that I was and there was no convincing him otherwise. It could be a possibility that he was cheating on me at the time and I was just unaware because he moved 3 hours away and I didn't really know what he was doing anymore. He was already verbally abusive and controlling and it just ramped up. He basically forced me to be on the phone even if I was busy.
If I didn't he would blow my phone up. On the phone he would be degrading me and telling me things like I go out at night. It was really stressful more than anything. Trying to talk logic into someone that is crazy just isn't possible. Thankfully the relationship ended not long after that.
Indisposed
suzy parker shower GIFGiphyI take my phone into the shower so he thought I was hiding something. I just poop before I shower and I can't poop without my phone. :(
The Last BF
My last boyfriend would accuse me of cheating at the drop of a hat. As a floor manager going into a backroom to witness a write up? Obviously cheating. Can't get ahold of her because she's sleeping? Cheating. Got into an argument? His favorite response is that I was probably cheating on him. My favorite was when I broke up with him I'm the clearest wording I could think of.
I went on a date with my now fiancè. Word got to me through my best friend that he found out about it and claimed I was cheating on him. 3 months after I broke it off him for good and 8 months after the initial break up. He was super emotionally and mentally abusive and I couldn't see it until I left.
The First
My first boyfriend.
He always flirted and went behind my back with girls and would assume i was doing the same with guys. literally just projected his own crap onto me and then eventually did cheat on me in secret for an entire month with his friends step sister. i found out because a mutual friend felt guilty for knowing he cheated and thought i deserved to know, and when my sh!tty bf found out someone told me the truth he bent over backwards to lie to me and tell me that was fake info and how it never happened. he did everything to convince me and himself he didn't cheat. he was beyond abusive to me and treated me like an object and sadly would encourage others to do the same to me.
It's been 10 years and the abuse and trauma he caused still screws with me. thank god for therapy, am i right?
With Anybody
He thought I was cheating on him at work. No one in particular, just general "cheating with someone" I was not. It escalated very quickly from accusation to half hourly texts that he got angry about me not answering immediately (I worked at an ice cream shop in a shopping centre food court at the time, just to give a picture of how ridiculous this was), to him showing up at my work and sitting in the food court watching me for three hours. Which of course he defended with "It's a public shopping centre, I'm allowed to use the food court, are you trying to control where I go?"
I broke up with him. I don't know what his side was, I don't care, I was not dealing with that nonsense.
He then texted me all the lyrics to Gives You Hell (on his flip phone with no crap 00's level of internet access, he typed that sh!t on a number pad) then a few days later My Immortal. Then I got his number blocked.
The Rookie
My ex went to a rookie gynecologist because she was having some problems with her lady jiblets. He examines her, and says it looks like an STD, but he'll have to run a few more tests to confirm. She comes home, with MURDER in her eyes and ready to KILL me! I deny that I've ever cheated, but the tests don't come back for a few days. I mean, who are you gonna believe?
Me, or an educated professional? Those few days were, you might say, not fun for me. Doctor calls and says, it was just a bad yeast infection.
She stopped going to him. Later we heard from other people, he wasn't the best doctor, and had close his private practice because he tended to mess up A LOT!
Out of Spite
new girl facepalm GIF by HULUGiphyHe made comments about me putting on a lot of makeup before going out with friends, he thought I was seeing someone.
We argued, I still went out, came back afterwards.
This was during a sexless relationship that lasted a bit less than a year. I ended finding out he was not sexually attracted to me at all because he said I was too fat for him.
We were at the 9th month without sex at the point where I left, I then enrolled in school, dropped 50 pounds and kept getting fitter ever since.
Spite is a great motivator.
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People Describe Their Best 'If I Get Caught There's No Explanation' Story
Sometimes the universe just conspires against you. You do not deserve it, you lack the ability to avoid it, and yet circumstances align in the worst way possible.
Often, that looks like a bad day. But there is another version of the conspiring cosmos: not a bad day, but an incriminating one.
There you are, minding your business, when, before you realize it's happened, everything around you seems to scream trouble. For some reason--whether its the possession of the wrong item at the wrong time or simply being in the wrong place at the wrong time--you have suddenly landed in a situation that, if caught, you could never explain to the authorities.
At the time, you feel complete dread and some frustration at the dynamics of the universe. But looking back, it's pretty hilarious.
A recent Reddit thread asked users to remember their most suddenly incriminating moments.
rickkyaa asked, "What's your 'if I get caught there's no explanation' story?"
Smart Move, Better Safe Than Sorry
"I was in a camp shower (stalls, not open) when an unaccompanied kid about four years old started crawling into my stall from below the door. I was telling him to scram, but he wasn't listening. It was only us in the showers at the time. I had no idea where his folks were."
"I scrambled to put my clothes on (still soaking wet) when it was clear this kid was bent on getting into my stall. I rinsed the soap out of my hair with my clothes on and then took the kid by the hand to find his parents."
"Had I been caught in the shower with a stranger's child I'd have had a very difficult time explaining it."
"I found his mom, frantic, about five minutes later. I guess the kid was looking for his dad who he heard was in the showers and he thought I was him."
-- Kalehfornyuh
Scary to Know it Worked
"Flew on a major airline with a razor blade hidden in my phone case."
"I was meaning to buy one to peel the window tint off of my car, but I found one at work in a drawer. I didn't have any way to safely carry it so I put it in my phone case behind my phone."
"I about died when I was on the beach and realized what I had done. Threw it in the trash right away before I forgot again."
Pit Stop
"When visiting a friend, went straight in... to the wrong house (In their building people keep their doors open). Make myself a cup of tea, put on the TV, and wait on the sofa for them to return."
"Someone else comes in, says nothing, looks at me weird, and goes to the bedroom. Call up my friend to ask when they are coming."
"They are at their house. They come and pick me up."
The Great Potato Incident
"I was with friends at a local park late at night, like 2 or 3am. Parks close at 11 and a cop doing his drive through check of the park found me and my two friends sitting in a picnic area and we definitely were not supposed to be there."
"We had all gotten stoned and hatched a ridiculous plan to mess with our other friend. The cop approached us while we were laughing hysterically with a huge bag of potatoes in front of us while we drew sexually charged images on the potatoes with sharpie markers."
"It was rough trying to explain to him that the penis potatoes were supposed to be a practical joke. We were going to leave them all over our friends lawn. Somehow he was fine with that and told us to take our potatoes and go somewhere other than the park."
"I still remember that night fondly."
A Dossier
"My boss left his office door open one time. I was working late that night and went into his laptop to see if he had anything juicy. He did. He had a document with a title something like 'what is wrong with 99thusername?' It included a handy list of my character flaws."
"If I had gotten caught, there would have been absolutely no excuse!"
-- 99thusername
Steal First, Buy Later
"Stealing a truck and driving it home because the owner had agreed to sell it to me, but he was out of town and wanted me to move it before it got towed, but he had the keys and paperwork."
"It was a short drive, but nervous as hell in a very small cop-saturated town in a hot wired truck."
A Nude Escape
"Oh it was epic teenage stupidity."
"Girl invited me over to a small house party. I was the only guy (score!) and there was drinking (new to me). So we all got hammered. Then someone came up with the idea of strip football?"
"All I know is, I'm drunk as hell, all I got left on are my boxers, at least one of them girls was in full underwear, one was actually topless but jeans on."
"We were all f***ing living it up in the backyard when her parents came home unexpectedly and I literally ran, grabbed my jeans that had my wallet in it and just ran for my life from there. Sacrificing my shoes and other clothes in the name of stupidity."
-- billbapapa
Geared Up
"Going outside in full winter gear bundled up to my eyes in the middle of a hot summer night because I saw my dog sniffing something on the ground and was worried it was a dead animal and wanted to check..."
"...but I have OCD and am fixated on bats and an intense fear of being bitten by a bat so I covered every inch of myself in padded clothing. wouldn't be surprised if the neighbors saw me."
An Unlucky Contortionist
"I got razor burn on the back of my thigh, I have horrible eyesight so in order to see where the burns are I have to bring my face physically closer to the back of my thigh."
"Cut over to me, foot up behind my head as I rub lotion on the back of my thigh sitting in my office chair watching lilo and stitch."
-- Erysichton
Stars Misaligned
"I was getting ready for a New Years Eve party and decided I needed to shave but I didn't have any aftershave or shaving cream, so I used a little bit of watered down vodka just to make sure everything was fresh. But I sort of gave off a vodka smell."
"Then I realized I needed to pick up drinks for the party so I went to the liquor store but I got kind of lost in a neighborhood because there were a lot of one way streets and I kept repeatedly passing a police car hanging out at a corner."
"I realized how suspicious I would look driving around on NYE smelling like vodka on my way to the liquor store."
"Luckily everything went fine and me and my friends partied in my basement and then Ubered to a bar."
-- BrewAndAView
"On Three!"
"I can't quite remember the details but I recall stealing a smart car with about 10-12 other dudes at a party. We 'simply' picked it up and carried it to my buddy's garage."
"The next morning me and my buddy felt remorseful and told his neighbor, luckily nothing was no damage, just a few greasy hand prints."
Could've Confessed Just a Few Steps Away
"This feels like a confessional."
"I stole a bottle of 'Holy Water' out of the shipping box in the storage room at church , when I was an alter girl."
-- Wyldjune
The Key Ingredients
"Sophomore year of high school i showed up with nothing in my backpack but whip cream, weed and handcuffs 3 days in a row."
"If those had happened to be random locker inspection days i don't know what i would have said."
IT'S ART
"Once had my minivan driving through a conservative town in the hills."
"We had been doing some body paint art at my house and I needed to transport 5 models to the site 2 miles away where we would be shooting the photos for a high concept art piece."
"So it was me, and 5 naked people painted with graffiti that spoke to human failures and weaknesses."
"It occurred to me that it might be a really bad time to have an accident, get a ticket, or have the van stop working."
Fowl Play
"I had a SUV filled with ducks and a couple chickens in a graveyard around midnight. Me and the other guy happened to have knives on us, but that was not related. Got busted by the cops, who threatened to charge us for stealing city property for taking the fowl from a nearby park, but they let us go."
"We had been waiting there while an accomplice infiltrated the girls' dorm. The plan was to release them into the dorm."
Hiding the Evidence
"I was a weird kid. I printed out erotic literature and hid it. I took it to the bathroom 'to read' and my mom wanted to know what was taking me so long."
"I ended up ripping it up into tiny pieces over the next 10 minutes and flushing it."
-- jdblawg
Whips and Stuff
"There was an explanation but it still felt sketchy. Bringing my riding crop to school." -- Kenns02
"I kept a bull whip in my locker for about a week and a half, used it once for some project. Oh and once to hit my friend in the hall, ended up in the principles office for that." -- astrorobot85
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