Sometimes the universe just conspires against you. You do not deserve it, you lack the ability to avoid it, and yet circumstances align in the worst way possible.
Often, that looks like a bad day. But there is another version of the conspiring cosmos: not a bad day, but an incriminating one.
There you are, minding your business, when, before you realize it's happened, everything around you seems to scream trouble. For some reason--whether its the possession of the wrong item at the wrong time or simply being in the wrong place at the wrong time--you have suddenly landed in a situation that, if caught, you could never explain to the authorities.
At the time, you feel complete dread and some frustration at the dynamics of the universe. But looking back, it's pretty hilarious.
A recent Reddit thread asked users to remember their most suddenly incriminating moments.
rickkyaa asked, "What's your 'if I get caught there's no explanation' story?"
Smart Move, Better Safe Than Sorry
"I was in a camp shower (stalls, not open) when an unaccompanied kid about four years old started crawling into my stall from below the door. I was telling him to scram, but he wasn't listening. It was only us in the showers at the time. I had no idea where his folks were."
"I scrambled to put my clothes on (still soaking wet) when it was clear this kid was bent on getting into my stall. I rinsed the soap out of my hair with my clothes on and then took the kid by the hand to find his parents."
"Had I been caught in the shower with a stranger's child I'd have had a very difficult time explaining it."
"I found his mom, frantic, about five minutes later. I guess the kid was looking for his dad who he heard was in the showers and he thought I was him."
Scary to Know it Worked
"Flew on a major airline with a razor blade hidden in my phone case."
"I was meaning to buy one to peel the window tint off of my car, but I found one at work in a drawer. I didn't have any way to safely carry it so I put it in my phone case behind my phone."
"I about died when I was on the beach and realized what I had done. Threw it in the trash right away before I forgot again."
"When visiting a friend, went straight in... to the wrong house (In their building people keep their doors open). Make myself a cup of tea, put on the TV, and wait on the sofa for them to return."
"Someone else comes in, says nothing, looks at me weird, and goes to the bedroom. Call up my friend to ask when they are coming."
"They are at their house. They come and pick me up."
The Great Potato Incident
"I was with friends at a local park late at night, like 2 or 3am. Parks close at 11 and a cop doing his drive through check of the park found me and my two friends sitting in a picnic area and we definitely were not supposed to be there."
"We had all gotten stoned and hatched a ridiculous plan to mess with our other friend. The cop approached us while we were laughing hysterically with a huge bag of potatoes in front of us while we drew sexually charged images on the potatoes with sharpie markers."
"It was rough trying to explain to him that the penis potatoes were supposed to be a practical joke. We were going to leave them all over our friends lawn. Somehow he was fine with that and told us to take our potatoes and go somewhere other than the park."
"I still remember that night fondly."
"My boss left his office door open one time. I was working late that night and went into his laptop to see if he had anything juicy. He did. He had a document with a title something like 'what is wrong with 99thusername?' It included a handy list of my character flaws."
"If I had gotten caught, there would have been absolutely no excuse!"
Steal First, Buy Later
"Stealing a truck and driving it home because the owner had agreed to sell it to me, but he was out of town and wanted me to move it before it got towed, but he had the keys and paperwork."
"It was a short drive, but nervous as hell in a very small cop-saturated town in a hot wired truck."
A Nude Escape
"Oh it was epic teenage stupidity."
"Girl invited me over to a small house party. I was the only guy (score!) and there was drinking (new to me). So we all got hammered. Then someone came up with the idea of strip football?"
"All I know is, I'm drunk as hell, all I got left on are my boxers, at least one of them girls was in full underwear, one was actually topless but jeans on."
"We were all f***ing living it up in the backyard when her parents came home unexpectedly and I literally ran, grabbed my jeans that had my wallet in it and just ran for my life from there. Sacrificing my shoes and other clothes in the name of stupidity."
"Going outside in full winter gear bundled up to my eyes in the middle of a hot summer night because I saw my dog sniffing something on the ground and was worried it was a dead animal and wanted to check..."
"...but I have OCD and am fixated on bats and an intense fear of being bitten by a bat so I covered every inch of myself in padded clothing. wouldn't be surprised if the neighbors saw me."
An Unlucky Contortionist
"I got razor burn on the back of my thigh, I have horrible eyesight so in order to see where the burns are I have to bring my face physically closer to the back of my thigh."
"Cut over to me, foot up behind my head as I rub lotion on the back of my thigh sitting in my office chair watching lilo and stitch."
"I was getting ready for a New Years Eve party and decided I needed to shave but I didn't have any aftershave or shaving cream, so I used a little bit of watered down vodka just to make sure everything was fresh. But I sort of gave off a vodka smell."
"Then I realized I needed to pick up drinks for the party so I went to the liquor store but I got kind of lost in a neighborhood because there were a lot of one way streets and I kept repeatedly passing a police car hanging out at a corner."
"I realized how suspicious I would look driving around on NYE smelling like vodka on my way to the liquor store."
"Luckily everything went fine and me and my friends partied in my basement and then Ubered to a bar."
"I can't quite remember the details but I recall stealing a smart car with about 10-12 other dudes at a party. We 'simply' picked it up and carried it to my buddy's garage."
"The next morning me and my buddy felt remorseful and told his neighbor, luckily nothing was no damage, just a few greasy hand prints."
Could've Confessed Just a Few Steps Away
"This feels like a confessional."
"I stole a bottle of 'Holy Water' out of the shipping box in the storage room at church , when I was an alter girl."
The Key Ingredients
"Sophomore year of high school i showed up with nothing in my backpack but whip cream, weed and handcuffs 3 days in a row."
"If those had happened to be random locker inspection days i don't know what i would have said."
"Once had my minivan driving through a conservative town in the hills."
"We had been doing some body paint art at my house and I needed to transport 5 models to the site 2 miles away where we would be shooting the photos for a high concept art piece."
"So it was me, and 5 naked people painted with graffiti that spoke to human failures and weaknesses."
"It occurred to me that it might be a really bad time to have an accident, get a ticket, or have the van stop working."
"I had a SUV filled with ducks and a couple chickens in a graveyard around midnight. Me and the other guy happened to have knives on us, but that was not related. Got busted by the cops, who threatened to charge us for stealing city property for taking the fowl from a nearby park, but they let us go."
"We had been waiting there while an accomplice infiltrated the girls' dorm. The plan was to release them into the dorm."
Hiding the Evidence
"I was a weird kid. I printed out erotic literature and hid it. I took it to the bathroom 'to read' and my mom wanted to know what was taking me so long."
"I ended up ripping it up into tiny pieces over the next 10 minutes and flushing it."
Whips and Stuff
"There was an explanation but it still felt sketchy. Bringing my riding crop to school." -- Kenns02
"I kept a bull whip in my locker for about a week and a half, used it once for some project. Oh and once to hit my friend in the hall, ended up in the principles office for that." -- astrorobot85
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