Stunned People Offer Advice To A Woman Whose Been Married 18 Months And Still Never Been Kissed
Poor elgintsaha is in quite a dilemma:
I feel needy for wanting to talk about any of this even though I know that there's nothing wrong with letting this off my chest.
We had an arranged marriage (me 25, him 27) almost two years back and now live in his parent's house. His family are lovely.
My husband is a nice person at heart. But he doesn't behave like a husband. We've been together for 18 months and to put bluntly, I want intimacy.
How has it been 18 months and he still hasn't even laid a finger on me. Not even a peck on the cheeks, let alone sleeping together (obviously we sleep in the same bed but we don't actually sleep together).
I want intimacy. I want to feel loved. Please, kiss me. Please, have sex with me. Anything. Why are you like this? I've even tried to make the first move but you turn me away.
What did I do wrong? What would you like me to do? You won't say anything. You don't want to talk about it.
Rather then treating me as your wife, you treat me like I'm a flatmate or something. We never had a honeymoon, we never go out on dates. Why? Why don't you like me?
You're kind, you're funny, you make me laugh, you're smart. You're all of those things.
But why can't you be my husband?
What would you advise her to do? Here was the best advice from Reddit.
My ex was neither gay nor cheating nor asexual, but had serious intimacy issues. He found me attractive but didn't want a physical relationship after the first few months, and couldn't explain why. I suspect it was from childhood trauma that he wasn't acknowledging, even to himself. Maybe it's something like that for your husband. (In which case not even wanting to go to the movies would just be part of keeping you at a safe distance.)
Instead of telling him what you want (again), consider asking him what he wants out of the relationship. If his answer doesn't include becoming a full-fledged couple, and he isn't willing to start taking concrete steps toward that immediately, you'll be doing everyone a favor if you seek an annulment ASAP.
My heart really goes out to you; I know how miserable it feels, and nobody deserves that. The good news is that you can change your life if this one isn't working for you--I did.
I'll be thinking of you. Please update us.
I don't think he's gay. I think he didn't want to get married and he feels like he has trapped you into being miserable and maybe if you don't consummate the marriage you will still have a fighting chance at happiness someday. Maybe he wanted to marry someone else but his parents didn't approve? Idk. This is all speculation so you should just come right out and ask him. Please update us though.
It sounds like he doesn't even want to be your friend from this post. Do you guys hang out even non intimately? I'm sorry about him. You deserve intimacy. I'd go crazy if I were forced to marry someone who refused to be intimate
You guys _NEED to talk about sex. I understand if it makes you uncomfortable, but it's a necessary evil. You're clearly tech-savvy, can you text him? Email? But you've got to get him talking. Can you start? Can you _say that you're feeling ready to start exploring this with him? That you're attracted to him, and want to express yourself and feelings for him *physically? Is your husband inexperienced? He might just be as nervous about all of this as you. At the end of the day, you're going to have to figure out a way to get him to speak candidly with you about your sex life. You guys are in this marriage thing together. You need to be able to trust each other, and communicate with each other. TL;DR: talk to him, (indirectly, if necessary) about this.
You're husband and wife so I don't think asking him to sit down and have a conversation about this and be honest with one another is too much to ask. Make your desires very clear and ask him to tell you in no uncertain terms why he hasn't sought intimacy and what you can do to change that. You guys need to set clear goals for your future and right now seem to be on very two different paths.
I'm surprised no one has brought up the fact that you said it's an arranged marriage... can you elaborate more on that? Forgive me, but I don't ever hear of that in the USA. Where are you guys? That's a cultural/religious kind of thing right... arranged marriages? And you live with his parents? Personally I am trying to wrap my mind around having my spouse chosen for me, and then having to just "be attracted" and have sex. I honestly don't mean this to be insensitive, because it sounds like a difficult situation to begin with, but could it be that he's just not really into you?
Have you seen him naked? If not could he have a hang up that's keeping him from doing what he really wants to do with you? My wife's brother who is Asian had some serious questions about sex and confidence issues while dating at the age of 30. I was amazed that how much a person could possibly not know about sexuality. Not much advise from me other than it opened my mind to people not being as educated or free about sexuality as me.
If he isn't gay, or just not attracted to you, it could be that he was against this marriage and was forced into it by his parents, so now he's protesting it in this way. Or maybe there's a medical reason. Maybe he's asexual. But, that's just what makes sense to me. I'm sorry you're going through this, OP. I hope you can communicate with him and find out what his reasons are and if there's anyway for you guys to be intimate in the near future.
I wouldn't be able to last 18 months in a marriage without any physical intimacy. I wish you luck OP ????
This is a little out of left field but....are you sure he knows what to do?
I'm assuming (and forgive me if I'm wrong) that you guys are fairly conservative considering the arranged marriage and living with his family - is it possible he's staying away because he doesn't know how it all works and is embarrassed to ask? Are you close enough with his mom to ask?
If you're stuck in this situation then start again. Ask him on a first date. And do little things together and build that intimacy.
I can't speak to what your husband is doing, but what you're going through really sucks. Been there. It can be quite heartbreaking especially if there is complete silence about it. You're not crazy. You have a right to bodily intimacy.
He might be inexperienced and nervous, he might not be attracted to women, he might be insecure about his penis size, or, he might be asexual (just a few ideas). There are tons of reasons he could be avoiding the intimate aspect of your relationship. Do you feel like he loves you? Perhaps the two of you aren't even compatible. I urge you to talk to him about this, it's unhealthy for you two to be on a different page about sex and your marriage. Good luck x
I'm a 39 year old guy. I've never kissed a girl, never touched a boob, and haven't had sex. To tell the truth I would very likely probably be behaving exactly like this due to having absolutely NO idea what to do, how to do it, and when. And no, it is not happening for me anytime soon. No one wants someone with two disabilities - one permanent, and a second long-term one.
Anyway...perhaps have a discussion with him and explain what to do and how to do it, and ask if he is a virgin? No no, maybe not go to that extent, because it will probably crush his man ego for years if you do. I don't know. It wouldn't crush me. I'd love to have a girl. Oh, well. One problem at a time. Good luck to you.
I had a neighbor who went through the same. Turned out the guy was gay. Not saying that's the case with your husband. I know it's not fair to you. Also, whichever way this goes, you will have to be kind to him and yourself. I'd urge you to talk to him about this, get him to open up. You can figure out what you want to do if he indeed is gay. People do get pressurized to marry sometimes and sometimes people have body issues or intimacy issues and it's okay. Unless there is a conversation about it, there is no fixing it.
It probably has nothing to do with wanting you or not wanting you. I understand an arranged marriage is your culture, but sometimes they turn out this way.
You should try to have an honest conversation with him. And asking him why he doesn't want intimacy would be a good place to start. Be prepared though for the answer, you never know what people are thinking and he may not want to tell you for fear of being judged or rejected by you as a friend, etc.
I am sad for you OP. There's definitely a cultural connotation to your situation that not everyone might be capable of understanding. But it doesn't matter because in any case, your husband's behavior is not normal.
Something is definitely wrong. He's either hiding his sexuality or an affair. It is not fair to you if it's the latter and the situation is not fair to the either of you if it's the former. Or maybe he is impotent? You are a victim in all three scenarios. Now it depends on whether you want a closure from this. If you do, then you need to confront him. He can give you an answer but whether or not he will actually give you one is kinda questionable. This is no time for you to beat about the bush. Confront him in the sternest of terms and you may get an answer. I know it is easier said than done. But you'll have to bring yourselves to do it if you want to know what's wrong.
But if you don't want to know or if you cannot bring yourselves to a confrontation, you can tell him that you want to move on and end this relationship. In one of your replies you said that he was kinda excited to see you change and then expressed shame over being excited for it, it seems like his priorities lie elsewhere. If he wants to go watch a movie by himself when you said that you wanted to watch it with him, his priorities lie elsewhere.
It all comes down to whether you want to know. If you decide to confront him, expect him to lie. People lie all the time. There's no reason for him to tell you what he's been hiding for 18 months. Do not believe everything you hear in that case. In the end, you can tell him that you're leaving him for the lack of intimacy, or you can ask him why the lack of intimacy. It's really your call. Take charge and stand up for yourself. Do not let yourself be treated this way. It is emotional and mental abuse that you're suffering and needless to say, it is extremely unhealthy.
There's nothing wrong with you wanting sex.
Have you talked to him directly about this? You should. If that doesn't reach any conclusions consider seeing a professional sex therapist. I think you'll both be happier for it.
Regardless of what could possibly be what is going on with him; You would reallly really really need to have a conversation with him about this to get to the bottom of this. Its likely there is a reason and that it is possibly affecting him personally and he is holding it in or else he wouldve talked to you about it right?
Do you think you could deal with going your whole life not becoming intimate with him or even doing coupley things? It seems like you really desire to be wanted and as time goes on this will get more and more difficult to deal with.
I want to wish you good luck with this in the future and i hope you get the intamacy that you desire.
You have to talk to this with him. It's gone far too long from what I can see. Maybe he's gay, maybe he has another relationship but nonetheless you must talk about it. I want you to be strong and prepare your feelings. Wanting to go alone to the movie theatre is absolutely outrageous. You guys are so young! You deserve so much more
He's young, at that age, many aren't ready to settle into marriage. Perhaps he thinks that if things become romantic, that would mean the marriage is consummated and you possibly pregnant. Maybe he's not wanting that, maybe his behavior is a form of silent protest. Whatever the underlying issue/s, you two need to have a serious discussion. You may even need to have a few of them. Ask him outright if he wants a divorce. Better to divorce than be in a loveless marriage. Clearly you're quite unhappy and at the very least, he's stressed over it. Try approaching him in a caring manner and talk about it.