People, and the jobs they do, are a constant parade of wonderful weirdness if you're paying attention. People 'have a guy' for all kinds of stuff because of it!
You think of their job as perfectly normal - until you mention that you 'have a guy' who sells a whole lechon out of his car for holiday pig roasts and people look at you like you've lost it.
Turns out, buckling a pig carcass into your passenger's seat for three king's day dinner at Abuelita's house is a decidedly Miami thing.
Reddit user Roentgenographer asked:
"Reddit, what is the strangest thing you 'have a guy' for?"
... and yeah... the Christmas Corpse in Your Car guy has some stiff competition.
Heh. Stiff. Get it? Cause corpse?
I'm not sorry.
Mike, The Homeless Homie
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"When I was a waiter in downtown Phoenix twenty years ago I had a street person on retainer."
"Parking was difficult for lunch shift, our restaurant couldn't/wouldn't validate employees parking, so we had to use the meters on the street. Since the meters had a two hour limit, you needed to park close enough to be able to run down and feed them in the middle of the lunch rush."
"Spaces were very limited."
"One day, soon after starting, I passed the same 'bum' for the third night in a row panhandling. He wasn't at all vocal, just tried doing funny dances and making people smile, then he'd tell you to have a nice night."
"Never outright asked for anything and was never rude or aggressive. I gave him a couple bucks a few nights in a row, and started to notice him during the day too once we became familiar."
"The first time I saw him after pulling in for a lunch shift I gave him a handful of change from my coin cup in the console and told him if he fed my meter with it all day I'd throw him some cash again after my shift. Found out then that his name was Mike."
"Two hours later it's noon thirty and the crew is dashing down to feed their meters, or asking whomever is going down to do it for them. I gave someone a couple of quarters and asked them to check on mine while they were at it, just in case."
"They were back in five minutes reporting that my car was good, the hostess' car was good, and two other servers bookending my car were good, all of us until after 2pm."
" 'Some homeless guy is feeding all the meters on this side of the block.' "
"The next day, as I was making my way around the gauntlet of one way roads surrounding the building housing my restaurant I saw Mike. He was standing in a parking space right by the bottom of the escalator leading to my work and as soon as he saw my car, he pulled his pants leg up and did a little chorus line dance move to get my attention."
"He'd been standing there 'holding' the spot for me for the past fifteen minutes."
"Thus it began. Mike held a parking spot for me nearly every morning for the next two years. He fed my meter and the meter of any other staff I asked him to."
"I started keeping car cleaning stuff in my car, windex, armor all, and would give him towels from the restaurant to detail it up once a week."
"He knew what bar I hung out at and where I sat. He'd track me down when meters were about to expire or he needed a buck."
"Everybody at the restaurant and the bar across the street started calling him my 'bum.' He was my friend, though."
"His name was Mike. He just didn't live anywhere because life is more complicated for some people. Mike and I stayed friends for years after I stopped working downtown."
"I wouldn't say we kept in touch (he didn't have a cell phone or any way to contact him) but I would still frequent my favorite bar occasionally and run into him on the corner and we'd catch up. Then one day he just wasn't there anymore."
"I asked around but pretty quickly found out I knew more about him than anyone else in the world, it seemed."
"Mike was homeless because he had been a career criminal in his youth. He went to prison a couple times in the eighties for kiting checks at a felony level (an old scam you can't really get away with anymore)."
"He was probably twenty to thirty years older than me at the time and had lived on the streets since the mid- nineties. He had no family, couldn't get hired anywhere with his record, and - to be honest - didn't much care for the idea of having a job and a home."
"Some people simply won't be domesticated. Mike was that way."
"But yeah, I had a guy once, a true downtown concierge."
- Stoopidmonkey73
Salsa
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"I have a salsa lady. The food, not the dance."
"She's been winning awards for it since before I was born. Fantastic flavor, balanced without too much acid or salt."
"Best salsa I've ever had, and I'm painfully picky about food."
"People have tried to get her to expand, but she sells out locally and doesn't see the need to ship. She just isn't interested in expanding."
"She's good just being the local salsa lady."
- MildlyAnnoyedMother
Someone Get Us This Guy's Number
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"I have a sloth guy."
"He runs a USDA-certified wild animal rescue and has has his sloth for close to 20 years. He takes extraordinary care of all of his animals."
"Three separate family events over the last 15 years? I've called my guy and he's brought a sloth to the party."
"The sloth is not a performing animal- no one gets to approach, handle, or pet it. He simply brings it for a short period of time so that people can see it, and he discusses its life, behavior, and care."
"He does phenomenal work to protect and preserve wildlife- many of his animals came to him after being purchased by people who wanted an 'exotic' pet they quickly realized they could not care for."
"But yeah, I have a sloth guy - which is SO cool."
- Seeking_Starlight
"The Good Stuff"
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"I've got a pineapple guy. You don't get good pineapples in the store, you gotta know a guy."
"He gets me the good stuff: a variety called the Sugarloaf Pineapple, White Pineapple, Kona Sugarloaf, Kona White, honey cream, etc.."
"It's a pineapple that is sweeter and, crucially, has significantly lower acidity, so it doesn't hurt your mouth or tongue if you eat too much of it."
"I don't know how my guy gets his pineapple, I don't ask and he doesn't tell. That's the whole point of having a guy. I give him money and he gives me the pineapple, no questions asked."
"It's good to have a pineapple guy."
"And yes I mean actual pineapples, not weed. Now that weed is legal does anyone even need a weed guy anymore?"
- 52ndstreet
Disposing Of Mattresses
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"I have a mattress gal."
"She runs a high end mattress shop and is supposed to 'dispose' of any returned mattresses."
"I take care of disposal by showing up at the customers place to pick it up, then bringing the disposal mattresses around to any friends or family in need of a mattress upgrade."
"I got a sweet $4000 king bed for free (aside from hauling it) because it was a return."
- LiterallyADiva
A Fat Guy
Bill Nye Scientist GIF by NETFLIX
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"I have a fat guy. If I need to get fat I call up the fat guy and I get some, he does breast reductions, tummy tucks and such."
"Fat has lots of stem cells. I used to have a brain guy."
"I do medical research."
- Chris4evar
"I was the tissue guy for a while!"
"We had a list of 'wants' from different labs on campus. Anytime we did a necropsy on a lab animal, after the lab had collected the tissues they needed for their research, I would go in and grab tissue for other labs."
"I had one lab that was doing tissue scaffolding that needed 1 inch by 1 inch squares of proximal gracilis, another lab needed whole eyeballs, one wanted intact bladders."
"It sounds gruesome that my job was to cut apart bodies for their pieces, but nothing went to waste from a necropsy and labs that just needed control tissue or a source of healthy tissue didn't need to euthanize a whole animal just for a bladder."
- daabilge
Old Varieties
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"I have a guy who deals in old apple varieties. Want a special tree? He's got it."
"Cousinot, not a problem, Filippa's apple, yes, Northern Spy, of course. We are planting a rather big orchard and I love listening to him extolling the virtues of historic apple varieties."
"The old varieties are healthier. They contain more polyphenols which are apparently the reason why these apples are particularly good for people with food allergies."
"They are often better adapted to soil and weather in our region. And they are beautiful. And the taste is amazing."
"Some taste of almond paste, and honey, others have a more lemony taste. It's like sampling wine."
"He's currently trying to get us a young pear tree from a variety that has only four known living exemplars left in our region. I'm absurdly proud to be the receiver of such a rarity. He just called and I'm excited."
"It's good to have an apple guy."
- Tuedal
The Metal Genitals Guy
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"I got a guy who will mold your genitals and cast it in the metal of your choosing."
"That's his specialty. He does other stuff like jewelry and general handicrafts. but he's happy to be known as the metal genital guy."
"He primarily works with vaginas. He's done some penises, but mostly just friends or local porn stars. If he's to be believed, he's molded around a thousand vaginas."
"It's probably in the hundreds, realistically, but that's still a LOT of metal genitals."
"Dude's a character."
- GrumpySarlacc
Tamales
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"I worked in restaurants for years."
"I learned that Hispanic communities really do have a 'guy' for everything, at least where I live - there's a car repair 'guy' they all go to, a tax 'guy,' etc."
"Well, my buddy Felipe introduced me to the Tamale Guy, and I go see him almost weekly ever since I was introduced. You just drop by his house, and go in the kitchen door in the back and he's in there, like six days a week."
"F*cking rad."
- nono_baddog
The Sabbat Guy
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"I'm very old. By reddit standards I should be dead."
"When I was a kid I was "sabbat goy" for the elderly Jewish couple next door. They were very orthodox and there were a bunch of things they wouldn't do on Sabbbat, like turn a light off or re-light the furnace."
"They weren't allowed to 'work' so I stepped in to help with that stuff."
"It was O.K. for me to do it for them, as long as it was voluntary and not a paid arrangement, because I'm not Jewish. They gave us produce from their kitchen garden, but that was not "payment."
"He had the tattoo. Maybe she did too, but she always wore long sleeves."
"I was glad to help them."
- BobT21
Do you have a 'guy' for something interesting? Is there a local tradition that people in your area have a 'guy' for that would seem strange somewhere else?
Spill your stories, folks.
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Never miss another big, odd, funny or heartbreaking moment again.
When we're intoxicated, or even the slightest bit tipsy from having a little too much to drink, our immediate perspective on things is hazy.
But there's nothing like a bit of alarming news or a jarring incident to snap us out of the fog and focus on the moment.
Sometimes alcohol isn't always to blame for our impairment.
It can be a state of mind, like a perpetual numbness from being complacent in life, and all it takes is one shocking moment to rattle us back to our senses.
Curious to hear from strangers online about this type of scenario, Redditor Known_Challenge_7150 asked:
"What’s one thing that sobered you up real quick?"
These individuals were witness to shocking events that sobered them up right quick.
Bleeding Out
"Got out of a taxi and found a naked man profusely bleeding from his head crawling up the driveway in my condo. Called him an ambulance completely forgot I was absolutely wasted until 45 minutes later when I'd helped him translate and in to an amublance and stepped in my front door."
"Later a few days later learned he'd slipped in the tub and literally crawled out for help. Poor dude. He was fine but I genuinely thought he was going to die there."
– DongLaiCha
Tragic News
"At a bachelor party and we got a phone call that the groom’s father had suddenly passed."
– accountnameredacted
Bottom Of The Barrel
"I went to visit my parents back in July. I was homeless and deep into fentanyl addiction so I lost a lot of weight. My folks could see it. They knew something was up. Anyway, I spent the night and I was getting ready to leave in the morning and I looked at myself in the mirror for a good long time. I finally had enough and told them everything. They took me to detox, from there I went to rehab. Graduated in August and been living with them ever since then. I have 160 days clean and sober."
– Crotch-Monster
A reality check can be enough for some people to snap out of it.
Like Father, Like Son
"Was driving a drunk friend home, he had been on a bender again and was smart enough to call me for a lift rather than try and drive. As I helped in to his house his mother came down the stairs and said 'your as drunk as your father' and went back upstairs. I haven't seen him drunk since then, he still drinks but the thought of turning into his dad scared him out of hard drinking."
– psycospaz
Busted
"Flashing blue lights."
– FiddleOfGold
"This sobered me up just thinking about it."
– redmaple_syrup
Losing Sight
"Woke up to no sight in one eye. I had cataract surgery so just thought one of the lenses had slipped and it was an easy fix. Eye doc says nope, you had a stroke. I loved soy sauce, teriyaki sauce and salty food, which caused high blood pressure, which caused retina damage. Over six months was able to get most of my eyesight back with medication, and all back within a year. Trying to navigate life with one eye was very sobering. Started taking HBP much more seriously."
– MissHibernia
Quitting The Bottle
"Looked up someone I went to highschool with who was an awesome guy. Found out he had been dead for 3 years from alcoholism, at age 33. I made an overnight change. I hadn't started drinking that night yet, 10 months ago. Haven't touched it again since."
– omgtater
These disturbing moments were enough for Redditors to immediately come to their senses.
Unplanned House Guests
"Me and a buddy Woke up in someone’s living room, realized neither one of us knew the people, they were just nice and let 2 drunk guys sleep on their living room floor. We didn’t even say goodbye."
– Oneinsevenbillion75
Serious Health Warning
"Elevated liver enzymes."
"And the knowledge that this sh** was gonna kill me and I just couldn't orphan my family over it."
"So I opted for recovery, instead."
"Clean and sober since June 5, 2009."
– Far_Meal8674
The Joyride
"Grew up in a rural area. The little town hosted dances at the hockey arena, everyone (adults and kids) went and they overserved everyone, regardless of age. I was maybe 16 or 17 and was absolutely sh*tfaced, and jumped in the back of someone's truck with about 8 other people to go back to someone's cottage for after dance drinking. The driver (still don't know who it was) started racing one of his buddies and we whipped around small dirt roads, flying around blind corners on the wrong side of the road, going god knows how fast. It was basically a disaster waiting to happen. It was crazy scary and I was sober and thankful to be alive when we finally arrived."
– foxfood9116
The human psyche is a fascinating thing, isn't it?
How we can automatically focus on something urgent at a crucial time, even after getting buzzed from drinking too much alcohol.
But as we're in the thick of the holidays, it's a good reminder to drink responsibly and stay off the roads if you drive to your celebratory destination.
Cheers. Stay safe. And happy holidays.
We've all complained or vented about something in our lives which, in the grand scheme of things, wasn't exactly a problem, or is very easily solved.
Then there are those who complain about things that others almost hope will happen to them at some point in their lives.
These are known as "first world problems", as they are problems that pretty much only the world's one percent faces.
From having to fly business class instead of first class, or being served Roederer instead of Dom Pérignon, these complaints are often met with amusement, bewilderment, or even anger.
Redditor jennimackenzie was curious to hear the most absurd "first world problems" anyone ever complained about, leading them to ask:
"What’s the most ridiculous 'first world problem' you’ve seen people get worked up over?"
"Tale As Old As Time..."
"I once knew a mom who was legitimately devastated, to the point of tears/grief, because a doctor predicted her 8 year old daughter's final height to be around 5'2","
"Which wasn't tall enough to get cast as Belle at Disney World."
"That was the child's (and her mother's) only dream in life, apparently."
"Didn't appreciate my suggestion that she could be Minnie or Mickey."
"Lol!"
"Only a face character would do!"- TravelLovingMom
"Must Be Funny, In A Rich Man's World..."
"My boss from about a decade ago was this insanely rich dude who always went to the bank to get fresh and crisp currency."
"He'd call the bank in advance to make sure they had some on hand."
"I think he was a germaphobe."
"He had a trash can that he'd throw $1 and $5 bills in that he thought was 'dirty' and regularly just donated it vs spending it."
"I asked him why he did this and he said it was too much trouble and asked if I wanted it."
"I said f*ck yeah dumped it into my bag and when I got home it was close to $400 in singles and fives.
"Another time, he wanted to upgrade all the computers in his studio, so we went to a store and bought 10 PCs."
"They all had $150 mail in rebates and he wasn't bothered to go through the trouble of mailing them in."
"3 weeks later I received $1500 after spending a whole afternoon filling out all those goddamn forms."- azninvasion2000
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Who Wore It Better?
"When I was about 19 years old, I was at my boyfriends family BBQ."
"I was wearing this pretty floral sundress."
"His cousins girlfriend showed up in the same dress and she was SO mad that she went and changed."
"I will never understand being upset when someone is wearing the same thing as you.'
"Did you really think that your shirt you bought off the rack is going to be unique to you?"
"No."- mertsey627
Seeing Red! Or Blue In This Case...
"The blue of the balloons wasn't quite the same as the bridesmaid's sashes."
"Years ago my wife and I attended a wedding."
"It was very low key."
"The dinner was in the dining hall at the university where the couple met, cinder block walls and all."
"It was a Baptist wedding - no booze and very serious."
"The dark blue balloons attempting to liven up the hall were a slightly darker shade of blue than the sashes on the bridesmaid's dresses."
"The bride lost here sh*t and absolutely raved for nearly an hour."
"I can't remember how they finally managed to talk her down."- mechant_papa
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See You In Court!
"Rich neighbors who end up in expensive court battles because they disagree about where a tree can be planted or whether the color of a fence fits in with the street’s 'amenity'."
'These disputes get really heated and rack up huge lawyers’ bills."
"The most pathetic part is after the judgement when they are arguing about who should pay the other party’s costs."
"Lots of affidavits filed citing the 'emotional distress' they had to endure, or painting themselves as brave warriors who were forced to take a stand to fight for 'justice'."
"Also lots of pompous litigants insisting that the judge refer to them by their 'Dr' title."
"An absolutely insane dumpster fire of entitled rich people problems."- ElectrocRaisin
It's Always People With Money Who Don't Want To Pay!
"I work in a public library."
"People will get so so mad if they have to be put on a wait list for a book."
"A popular book that just came out."
"Ok our services are not only free but so are the books."
"You’re welcome, a**holes."- Switchbladekitten
A Warm Butt Is A Happy Butt!
"My own."
"We have a bidet toilet seat (Fabulous! Everyone should have one!) and not only does it wash your bum and blow dry it, but the seat's heated!"
"It's shocking how much a heated toilet seat makes the whole process more agreeable."
"Except: We had a power outage and I went to use the toilet and the seat was cold!"
"Unacceptable!"
"This shall not stand!"
"I was really upset because it didn't feel good."
"Then I stopped and thought: This is the most first-world problem anyone's ever had."
"I was really pissed because my heiny was tepid."
"I got over it."- DeathGrover
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Holy Matrimony!
"Weddings are a gold mine for this question."
"People get so hyped up over their 'most important day of their life'."
"They'll destroy friendships, go into debt, and have crazy expectations."
"It's not always the couple who go crazy, either."
"Sometimes, it's the parents or another family member who feels entitled to control the wedding."
"It's just a party."
"Be considerate of guests, have plenty of food and drinks, and enjoy it."- magicrowantree
When Fast Food Isn't Fast Enough...
"Having to pull off to the side to wait for a drive-thru order to be brought out to you because your food isn't ready and there's a line building up behind you."- demanbmore
In Case You Don't Think Customer Service Employees Are Undervalued...
"I was working the return desk at a Target next to a military base so I have so many stories."
"One of my favorites was a lady who had her baby shower before revealing the gender and was livid that she had received floral newborn diapers when she’s having a boy."
"It was a huge box of super expensive, all organic diapers, that we didn’t carry and therefore could not return."
"I cannot accurately express her fury and disgust."
"How dare either suggest her boy could wear feminine diapers."
"I suggested she donate them if she didn’t want to use them and she instead threw away the entire box."
"When she left we pulled it out and threw it in our donate bin."
"There have also been multiple times where mom’s order massive toys and when we bring them out to the car they get furious that they aren’t wrapped."
"We don’t offer wrapping services."
"Here’s the thing, if you don’t want your kids to see the toys you got them for Christmas or their bit to day DON'T BRING THE CHILD WHEN YOU PICK IT UP."
'I’ve had multiple women scream and curse me out that I had ruined their kids Christmas by bringing the toys they ordered out to the car like they requested."- clever-mermaid-mae
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Happiest Place On Earth!
"I used to work for Disney."
"That in itself should tell you everything."
"However for fun I'll give you two specific stories one form our tech department and one from my wife who worked bookings."
"I specifically worked for their call center to help with technical issues with magic band and the website."
"Suddenly got worse huh?"
"A right of passage call everyone has at least one story of is the 'Dome call'."
"Basically there is a subset of Disney Guest (TM) that believes if it rains at Walt Disney world there is someone that will push a button to encapsulate the whole of Disney property in a dome to keep out the rain."
"I'm not kidding."
"If this button is not pushed they call our tech department to angrily ask why."
"My wife worked booking."
"Pretty much everything including Bibbidi Bobbidi boutique and Pirate's league."
"These two things did roughly the same thing difference being price and theme."
"BBB was expensive did more and was focused on princesses, pirates league did a bit less and focused on mermaids and pirates."
"Lady called up my wife, and got pissed about BBB being booked up (It goes FAAAAST)."
"Karen: 'Im going to give the phone to my daughter and I want you to tell her how you are ruining her vacation by not letting her do BBB'."
"Wife proceeds to explain how pirate's league is so much cooler and how she can be a mermaid or pirate and basically gets the kid to start demanding to their parents about how they want to be a mermaid instead of a princess."- trollsong
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The horror!
Being booked into a junior suite at Disney World instead of an executive suite!
It's almost as bad as having no money for groceries, or no food to feed you children...
Said absolutely no one.