Intimacy is more than just sex - it's connection, communication and validation. So what do you do when you've been missing it and it's starting to get to you?
One Reddit user asked:
People who've been single for a long time: how do you deal with the lack of intimacy?
We're not going to lie to you - no everyone is coping well. This isn't about to be an article full of inspirational rich folk who cope with loneliness by traveling to another country and falling in love with a billionaire who was disguising themselves as a construction worker/fisherman. Sorry to all you Lifetime movie fans.
What you will find are practical tips, honesty, vulnerability, and a lot of talk about the value of wanking with love.
Troll
I call people names on the internet so I know what it's like to have social interactions with other humans...
...b*tch
fck you too b*tch!
sobs inconsolably in the corner
No f*ck you!
*sits next to you and also cries uncontrollably *
Man's Best Friend
Dog Sup GIF by MOODMANGiphyLiving vicariously thru the shows and music also drinking a sh*t ton, but realistically it gets really really lonely. Especially at night when u have all these thoughts and no one to tell them to, but my dog is what keeps me sane.
I don't know what I would do without him; he's my best friend.
Dogs are the best whether one is single or in a relationship.
Feels Like A Hassle
I used to be a serial monogamist. Been single for like 8 years now? I've lost track. Honestly, I'm happier being single than I ever was in a relationship.
I get the emotional intimacy that I need from friendships and these days I haven't really craved physical intimacy. I have so much that I want to do in my free time that it makes trying to fit a relationship into my life feel like a hassle.
I know and respect that everyone's needs are different, but the thought of being in a relationship plus having kids—like when would I ever sleep? Let alone have time for myself?
p.s. I love working with kids—they're the best. But dang, I love coming home to no one and being able to do what I want, when I want. Lol
Easier As An Introvert
I'm an introvert so I guess it's easier for me, all I have to do is occasionally rub one out and occasionally meditate. That keeps me happy enough sexually and mentally. Every once in a while I try to pick up a lady.
- warpus
Aspiring For Single Time Again
It's funny... I'm in a relationship now, but was single for a long time. When I was single I filled my life doing all the things I aspire to do once again now that I'm in a relationship. I just don't have the time.
- pbm9
Yeah, I've been married for 6 months now, after a long time single. I make sure to still do things I enjoy, at the same time I have to balance things to give time to wifey and my hobbies.
An Expression Of Self Love
I'm pretty introverted, so the lack of companionship doesn't bother me that much. I have a few close friends and talk to each of them about once every six weeks or so, and I interact with people from work fairly regularly. Plus I have my parents and siblings, whom I talk to often, so I really don't lack the social interaction I need. An ideal night for me is just watching YouTube / playing Switch / messing around on Reddit, so being single is kind of a nice fit.
As far as sex goes, I've found it's helpful to try to think of masturbation as a form of self-love, as opposed to just a utilitarian "crank it out" way of getting temporary relief. If you love yourself, and you try to view self-pleasure as an expression of that love, it can satisfy you on an emotional level as well as physically.
I'm not going to lie and pretend that masturbation is as good as regular sex (except in a handful of cases where it's really good), but it can be a lot more emotionally powerful than you'd think if you use it in the right way.
- Norcia
Not That Serious
hqg GIFGiphyIt's not that deep : people need to learn how to be alone and love themselves rather than waste all their energy on somebody who may not even be there 12 months later.
Two half people don't make a whole. You have to be happy with yourself being single if you want a relationship with another person to work. So I embrace and enjoy being single. And the few relationships I do get into don't last longer than they should.
But Here I Am
My wife died 9 years ago. We had a wonderful, dynamic, intimate relationship. I was the happiest I've ever been in my life. She seemed to feel that way too. Her family told me she had never been happier. And then she was gone.
At the urging of friends and family I tried dating a year or so after she passed. After four or so odd years of that I'd had enough. I recently ended a platonic relationship with a lady I met during that time after several years of trying, and failing, to work through her intimacy issues
That all said, the lockdown has hardened me even more. I'm comfortable alone. I've given up. I never thought things would end up this way but here I am. It used to terrify me but I'm good with it now.
- gaberax
Feeling Free
There's flashes where I feel lonely, but they're so short and infrequent that they've become really easy to weather. I think we all want that emotional connection with someone but it's no longer a requirement for me to be happy. I just throw myself into my career and hobbies now when I'm in a rut about it.
When I got out of my last relationship I just felt so free and had the ability to completely reinvent myself. I've had some chances to be in longer relationships since then but I really like just having all of my time to myself to do whatever I feel like doing. It would take a really special person for me to give up being single now, and if it never happens again, I won't regret it because I don't want to settle and be miserable.
It Varies
I'm 29 and I've been single now for 9 years, in the past couple of years I've managed to be intimate with 2 woman and it feels like its given me a new breadth of life in terms of confidence
However before that there were days or weeks I yearned for nothing more than to have someone and it was painful, the longer it got the less confidence I had, the more I judged myself, the more I looked down on myself, then there could be weeks or months that it wouldn't even cross my mind and I was content being alone
What I'm trying to say is that it varies day by day sometimes good sometimes bad, it's not really about dealing with it, it's more like you have no choice and time just keeps on passing and you just have to try to remain hopeful
That's my view anyway.
Other Types Of Love And Intimacy
I've been focused on other types of love and intimacy: New friendships, love of family, and the intimate relationships I have that are not romantic (nor physical, but they are definitely intimate).
Self love, especially. Both in terms of caring for myself by hydrating, eating, sleeping, creating... And also in terms of masturbation. It has been nice getting to know myself more in that way and it keeps my head clear. (Which helps me maintain boundaries with friends... It is easier to get distracted by physical attraction when I haven't gotten off recently.)
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Redditor MrRandyWatson_100 wanted to hear about what happened to relationships after inviting a third, so they asked:
"Redditors who have had a threesome with their SO, how did the relationship turnout after sex?"
Bad Things
Tim Robinson No GIF by The Lonely IslandGiphy"It was already horrible, that's why I didn't mind trying it. It didn't get any better, but it was a lot of fun."
Educational_Dust_932
Thanks, Jerry
"Went on a vacation with my ex and her best friend from out of state. It was heavily alluded to that we were going to give a threesome a go. We all arrive at the hotel, and her friend turns on the TV while we unpack. It was by chance an episode of Jerry Springer (or some equivalent type of show). The subject was 'Our threesome ruined my life.' Obviously, it didn’t happen."
sincethenes
"Wanna hear a pile on to that? We broke up a few years later, I haven’t seen or heard from her in years. I bought a new home two years ago in the middle of nowhere. I go to the local grocery store, and there she is. Turns out she lives about 1/4 of a mile away from me. Thanks, Universe."
sincethenes
Then Again...
"We all went out to eat breakfast the next day and it was just such a funny experience. We laughed and talked about how crazy it was. Afterward, my girlfriend was embarrassed and said she didn't want anything like that ever again. Then it happened again (at her own insistence, with the same girl)."
"Then again. After the 3rd time, I was pretty blown away that this would be a regular thing. After a while things stopped and my girlfriend went back to being super embarrassed about it and liked to pretend it never happened."
Kogah
Well bye now...
"The sex was fine, we invited a third for a fun night at a hotel with a jacuzzi and drinks. But then the third person didn't leave, nor did they leave in the morning after breakfast, and the next night after dinner we literally had to ask him to leave so we could continue our vacation as a couple in privacy. It gave us a funny story to joke about for years and didn't affect our relationship."
Mister_IceBlister
Realizations
Shocked Sesame Street GIFGiphy"Haven’t been in a threesome, but my gf had two on the same day with her previous partner, which is when she realized she was actually into girls more."
"So in a way, I can thank those threesomes for my relationship. She doesn’t like it when I bring this up lol."
DreaDreamer
Epiphanies can come at the strangest times.
Whoops
Schitts Creek Oops GIF by CBCGiphy"My girlfriend asked me who I would like a threesome with. Then she got angry. Apparently, I was supposed to name only one person."
arvigeus
Long Stories
"I (M) hooked up with a friend and his wife a few times. He originally proposed it as something she would enjoy, with both of us focusing our attention on her. She reluctantly went along with it but quickly got way too into it for his comfort. He got jealous of all the attention she was getting despite that being the point of the threesomes in the first place."
"Long story short, after many long fruitless discussions and a few arguments we finally got him to admit that he was in love with me, he wanted the threesome so that we (he and I) could have sex (despite us having had many conversations in the past about how I'm not that into men and he's definitely not my type) without cheating or him getting a divorce."
"Longer story even shorter, we're no longer friends, they're divorced, wife and I became really close friends for a few years."
tempUN123
Happy Holidays
"Relationship with who, your SO or the third person involved?"
"My SO brought her very close female friend for a threesome as a Christmas present to me one year. I was really nervous but they made me feel super comfortable and able to just enjoy the experience. I'm still with my SO and the friend is still a friend, we don't see her very much as she lives in a different country but it's in no way awkward."
AverageMale31
Surprise
"I had a threesome with one of my close friends and her boyfriend of like 5 years (at the time). She wanted to surprise him and boy did it work. It was fun! We ended up doing it a few more times. They’re still together and doing well and my friendship with them has never changed. The only difference is now we have inside jokes and references together!"
wineshivers
Be Careful
Bedtime Threesome GIF by PantayaGiphy"Just fine... But don't play with others if your relationship isn't on solid footing and your communication isn't up to par."
Misophonic4000
"In my experience, sometimes you think you’re on solid footing, but in reality, it’s a house of cards easily toppled. In retrospect, it was f**ked either way, but this definitely expedited the end."
AdmiralTiberius
Not all fun ideas are good ideas.
Do you have any similar experiences? Let us know in the comments below.
Reddit user SinkingFeelingBruh asked:
"What did you think was fancy as a kid that isn’t?"
Mc's Steakhouse
"Getting to eat McDonald's all the time..."
~ 02red
"This was my first thought, and it was also the first comment I came across opening the thread."
"You are so right..McDonald's used to be so exciting. I don't even eat it anymore."
~ kasparzellar
GiphyWith or Without Crusts
"Cutting sandwiches diagonally."
~ 787la57la47al
"As a college student, I love dressing up my husbands plate when he eats mediocre meals. If he wants a sandwich, I will dress it up like it’s fine dining."
"I made us air fries nuggets and had the ketchup dots and swirls garnishing the plate lol. It makes things more fun."
~ ireallyamtired
Cocktails for Children
"Shirley Temple/Roy Rogers drinks."
"I remember when my parents would take us to a 'fancy' restaurant and we would be able to order these."
"I felt so adult! With the skinny straw and the maraschino cherry..."
~ Iron_Chic
"Okay but low key though… I still love myself a Shirley temple."
"Like if someone were to offer me one I definitely wouldn’t turn it down."
~ faithle97
GiphyWelcome to the Club
"As a kid I thought going to a restaurant and having a club sandwich was the height of sophistication. Probably because I learned about club sandwiches from a family friend who introduced me to them."
"I used to think the little toothpicks with the plastic frills that held the sandwiches together were sooooo fancy. I always brought my toothpicks home with me to play with."
~ Bebe_Bleau
Processed Foods
"My friends whose kitchens were filled with junk food like Captain Crunch, Twinkies and Ding Dongs, hot dogs and American cheese."
"I thought they were so fancy and I was so jealous."
"My mom cooked from scratch every day, and we thought we were so neglected because she wouldn't buy that sh*t for us to eat."
"We were so lucky. Thanks, Mom."
~ riceme0112358
GiphyOoh la la!
"Viennetta ice cream cake was the peak of fancy for me."
~ KaleidoscopeVast9290
"I came here to say this! They marketed it really well to 7-14 year olds."
~ Holiday-Armadillo-34
The BIG Box
"Back in my day, kids who had Crayola 120 colored pencils were considered the elites of society."
~ Prism_Red
"Or the Crayola Crayons with the sharpener on the back."
~ Spoozle64
GiphyA World Tour in a Mug
"A cup of General Foods International Coffee to cap off your five star evening. Might I recommend the Suisse Mocha?"
~ Smooth_Riker
"That was upper class shiz that I begged my parents to buy for company."
"Turns out, Folgers out of the red can was all encompassing; for home and company. Sigh."
~ burgerg10
"My 10 year old self would walk around my room sipping a cuppa and pretending I was grown in my own apartment."
~ odd_kumquat
It's the Foil Wrapper
"Ferrero Rocher chocolate."
~ SirRobynHode
"Richard Gere did the commercials in a tux. I thought these must be the most fancy and expensive chocolates imaginable."
~ Either-Durian-5517
"Dude I'm 22 and they're still fancy to me."
~ rubbersoulelena
GiphyUnder Glass
"Desserts in the display cases (eclairs, bon bons, petifores, etc...)."
~ Med_Vamp
"This jogged my memory of those iced cookies they’d have on display at Giant (American grocery store)."
~ nicheencyclopedia
Pardon Me, Do You Have Any?
"For some reason, as a kid I thought Grey Poupon was some fancy delicacy by the French. I imagined some fancy guy with a gray wig slathering it on a baguette."
"Like only the rich had access to it."
"It’s just mustard. WTF. Still haven’t had it."
~ JackfruitCurry
"When I got married, my dad insisted upon renting a Rolls Royce to take hubs and me from the church to the reception."
"I jokingly asked the driver 'pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon?' in my snootiest faux-British accent. He popped open the glove box and there it was!!!!"
~ RefugeefromSAforums
GiphyBeep, Beep
"Old cars from fancy brands."
"Kids are always like 'whoa he drives a BMW' without realizing it's not impressive to drive a 1999 BMW in 2023."
~ slightofhand1
Get Some Quarters for the Bed
"Hotels were the fanciest as a kid, weren't they?"
~ Non-opisthokont
"I thought a motel or an inn was fancier than a hotel."
~ tobiiam
"Omg, yes! Lol, the vibrating beds were so fancy & fun! I’d always beg my parents to get me one."
~ Sad-Comfortable1566
Jumping Michael Chiesa GIF by UFCGiphyBut There's Cheddar in the Biscuits
"Red lobster."
~ MonsoonMermaid
"A guy I worked with (in the 90’s) said he treated his women right."
"When he went out to eat, he took them to places like Red Lobster. What a baller!"
~ eastcoastme
"Oof, I took my junior prom date to Red Lobster back in ‘00. Sorry, Michelle…wherever you are."
~ kyd712
The Beer Fridge
"I thought that having a second, older fridge in your garage meant your family was rich.
"Actually, hell, if you had a garage at all I thought you were rich."
~ CoolBugg
"Didn’t realize people used their garages for cars for YEARS. I still have a hard time wrapping my head around it."
"It feels like such a waste of storage space to keep a car in there. Where else do people keep lol their tools, holiday decor, and sh*t they don’t want to throw out but also don’t want to use anymore?"
~ Ithinkillgrowthis
"When we bought our house it came with a fridge in the garage."
"I audibly gasped."
~ Aggravating-Dig-8987
GiphyMy Father was in the military, but didn't want to live on United States Navy bases, so we lived off base in a trailer.
Back then, trailers were much smaller and easily moved from place to place. So each time my Father was stationed at a new base, our trailer was packed up and moved to a new trailer park near the new base.
Because of this life of trailer parks, my idea of luxury living wasn't a mansion—it was a double-wide trailer.
What did you think was fancy as a kid?