We'd all be lying if we said we'd never taken even a little bit of joy in messing with someone. You may have to lie to the people who know you in person, but c'mon. This is the internet, we're all friends in our mutual horribleness here.
One Reddit user really wanted to bond with their fellow scumbags, so they asked:
Fellow scumbags of reddit, what's the worse thing you've ever done?
Some of the answers were legitimately awful, some were hilariously terrible, all of them were downright scuzzy ... just like we like it! Here are some of our favorite responses. They've been edited for clarity when needed. Enjoy!
After a house party, multiple people slept over. My friend was on a queen sized bed by himself. I grabbed him and put him on the floor and then pushed him under the bed so I wouldn't step on him when I woke up. He was super drunk, so it was easy. He woke up in the morning, still drunk and screaming. For a couple of seconds he thought he was in a coffin.
College friend burned her whole apartment building to the ground. Not a joke.
About 10 minutes after the fact, while we are literally sitting there watching the whole building engulfed in flames, I tried to lighten the mood and turned to her and said "What the hell. Were you trying to cook or something?"
It was a grease fire. She was cooking bacon. She started crying and I felt terrible.
My brother's girlfriend of like a year came out to a family meal once and while playing catch with a football she broke a nail and just broke down sobbing about it. I was shocked and in my family we always use gallows humour to cheer ourselves up during the dark moments. She was very aware of this and joked right along with us.
I made a light-hearted comment about how it sucked but it was just a nail and it would grow back, at least it wasn't cancer or anything...
Nope, she had found just the day before that her cancer had returned. My brother had never told us she had cancer in the past or that she had just found out this awful news.
Assaulting The Ice Cream ManGiphy
When I was a kid, I put some dishwashing liquid and water in a squirt gun. When the ice cream man came, he asked what I wanted. I said I wanted a drumstick, so he reached into the freezer and waited for the money. I didn't have any so he asked why I did that. I said I do want it, I just don't have any money. He got pissed and I squirted him in the eyes with the soapy water. Why did I do it? I think I was mad that we never had money for stuff like that, and here he was parading it in my face every day. It's been about 50 years and I still feel bad about it.
The Worst Kind Of TheifGiphy
I stole one piece from a thousand Jigsaw Puzzles at a naming ceremony (like a baptism sort of thing) I attended with my parents.
This Accidental FelonyGiphy
One time when I was 17, my friend was having some big illicit party and I didn't want to deal with that, just wanted to hang with a few of my friends. So early on in the evening before it was to begin, I called in a fake noise complaint to get the police to drop by and maybe rattle him so my friend would call off the party.
Well little did I know that it had already begun, and the cops showed up and did a huge bust. Guess who was there drinking? My two younger brothers. One of them assaulted a female officer (pushed her so he could run away) and got charged with a felony.
I came clean, everyone was pissed (both at me and at my brothers, especially the one who ran from the cops), our family paid $3,500 to some attorney to get it busted down to a misdemeanor with a bit of community service, and I felt awful for months. I did use my summer earnings to pay my dad back half of the lawyer's fees though.
0/10 would not recommend trying to use the police as a tool to get what you want
This was 20 years ago, btw. Still makes me cringe to think about it.
On holiday in a hotel I didn't know very well and had to look after my little brother. I needed to poop. Bad.
Couldn't find where a toilet was, so dragged him into an empty Jacuzzi and took a dump in it. We both screamed and ran out as it floated to the top and managed to convince him it was already there when we got in.
Playing Warcraft While She CriedGiphy
Broke up with my college girlfriend over the phone a week after saying "I love you" to get her to do butt stuff. Also, I was playing Warcraft 3 on mute while she cried
I was 17, picked up weed for a friend, smoked some of it. Then put some parsley in and said it was just shake. He was in the car with us and smoked a bowl, you could hear him smack his lips with the weird taste. I laughed, told him, and never reimbursed him for it. At that age you are the worst version of yourself.
Framing The "Dude In A Wheelchair"Giphy
To preface this, it's important to note that I ate a ton of Taco Bell right before bed the night before the funeral showing. Not sure of everything I had, but there was definitely a burrito supreme in there.
Anyway, let's back up a couple of days. I was looking forward to a weekend in Chicago for an annual trip for people in our major. Unfortunately, my on again/off again ex girlfriend's grandma passed away. Despite ex being a general bummer of an individual, I offered to pass up the trip and be by her side.
Cut to the post TB morning. I awoke and felt a small cavernous rumble of gas that shalt not pass. You know when it's going to be bad. The relative's house we stayed with her big family was not large, so I couldn't even find an unoccupied room nor a walk-in closet to fart in.
So it sits in my stomach and churns. We get dressed and get to the showing, and the fart seems to have calmed ... but it's still in there. Most of the family walks up to talk to each other and I begin to see an opportunity to release at least a portion of this tainted copy of Air Bud: Spikes Back that was "now showing" in my butt. It seemed perfect. Finally, some relief! So I remained seated as they dissipated and did the deed. I knew it would be silent. But I had no idea it would be that deadly.
It honestly smelled like a dog did it. Or some sort of dog/human hybrid. The family started to notice the smell, and then a ton of others nearby did as well. And they started looking for the source.
Now folks, I'm pretty laid back. I'm no actor by any means, but I think some kind of innate human instincts for preservation came into play to keep me from taking the blame for that anti-enchilada. I denied that I supplied, and was acquitted of the chunk charges. But what happened next made me a scum bag.
Seconds later, a dude in a wheelchair came through the crowd of us. One of her family members, was like "do you think it was him?" And I composed myself and was like, "yeah, I didn't notice the smell until he came in the room."
I'd say I felt bad for all of this. But I still laugh every time I remember hearing ex's concerned mother say "I wonder if he rolled his wheels through something."
Ta-da. I'm trash forever.
Ghosted Her When She Got CancerGiphy
Fairly late to this but here we go. I started "dating" this chick during 11th grade who I knew in 9th grade but transferred to another school in 10th grade. I didn't let it be publicly known we were "together" since I was just trying have someone around to f^ck, and still be able to pursue other chicks. High school me was really sh!tty when it came to girls.
2 weeks down the road she's texting me at around 8pm telling me about how she had gone to the hospital and the lump she was worried about (talked about it earlier in the day) was confirmed to be breast cancer. As I was with her solely for the purpose of sex, I didn't want to be there for all the emotional support/boyfriend duties she'd obviously need.
So I never replied to her. Never even broke up with her, said goodbye, nothing.
Ungrateful On ChristmasGiphy
One time during Christmas my cousin's grandparents (not related to me by blood) got me and my sister Christmas presents.
I opened my present and it was a polly pocket doll. Me being the dumb 10 year old or something I was, said "here, you can have it, I don't want it." and just gave it to my younger sister, who played with that stuff more then I did. The problem was that I did it right in front of grandma. She felt bad she didn't give me a good present and gave me 20 dollars instead later on.
I still feel bad about it to this day.
i stole money from my parents constantly throughout my teenage years - and any other family member (or anyone) who visited and left their handbag or wallet lying around. It was a common thing to do amongst my friends and I. We were almost competitive about it.
So, once while visiting my grandma who ran a bed and breakfast place (off the books as far as the taxman was concerned, that'll be important in a minute) i was searching through a desk in their living room and found a purse that contained at least 1000 pounds in neat rolls. It was obviously their business cash. Like I said, off the books.
I stole 120 pounds from it - a huge amount for a 13 year old to have in 1983, and massive bragging rights when I got home and told my fellow thieves about it...... they definitely noticed, and i am 100% certain they knew it was me.
sort of granola bar or raisins. Just before break I snuck over to the bag racks and rummaged in someone else's school bag. I found a packet of Cadbury animal biscuits and stole them. When break time finally arrived the girl who was now biscuit-less spent the whole time crying.
I'm 23 now and I still feel guilty.
Caused A Car Accident In A SnowstormGiphy
We used to snowball cars, egg cars, you name it and we would probably throw it at cars while they were driving through our neighborhood.
One night we were doing just that, and my neighborhood growing up was set up in a way that worked to our advantage pretty well- it was a peninsula with one way in and out, and a long road we could see all the way down coming into it. We got into so much trouble that we eventually learned to identify headlights of cars coming in and knew whenever a cop was coming.
So we basically set up this weird snowball trap for cars where they would turn a blind turn and see a hose tied across the road between two parallel signs, stop and get out to move it, and we would blast them and run down this little getaway path we had.
Eventually someone came through and didn't see it in time, ran the hose over, and got it all wrapped up in their wheelwell and caused them to skid to a pretty abrupt stop in a snowstorm around a blind turn. A cop car was immediately following them and slammed into the back of them. We all ran back to my house and no one got caught, and next thing you know we're all in my house looking out the window at the towns entire police force driving around outside.
The neighbors all knew who it was and tried to tell my parents what we did. Luckily they couldn't ever prove it was us!
I regularly drink straight from the orange juice and milk cartons in a household of 4.
Pretending To Be BlindGiphy
I wear John Lennon style circle sunglasses, one night my friends and I went out to the bar and they thought it would be funny if I were to pretend to be blind. So for the rest of the night, I held onto a friends shoulder and he guided me around the bar, introducing me to girls as a blind man named Jamie.
It took a little theatrics and not flinching when girls would throw their hand at their face to convince them that I actually was blind.
I ended up hooking up with 3 girls that night at the bar and even took a girl home. They all thought I was actually blind. I saw a picture of one of the girls on someone's snapchat story crying because she had hooked up with a blind guy.
Many people still refer to me as the blind guy when I go out to the bar in my shades; I still go along with it.
Blame The Baby
I fart and blame my 8 month old ALL THE TIME. No regrets.
I once tipped like 3 cents at a restaurant just so it was even. I thought it was funny at the time, but i feel bad about it.
"Guess That's College And Dating For Ya"Giphy
Freshman year of college a few years back, I met this guy who I really fell for. He was in a frat, which I usually steer clear from, but we had a lot in common so I gave it a shot. He took me out for coffee, played one of my favorite more obscure albums on his record player, and it was cool, until I didn't want to mess around. He got kind of annoyed but still said I should come to his frat party the next night. I assumed everything was still cool - he dropped me off at my dorm, walked me up to the door, kissed me goodnight, etc.
Anyways, I went to the party the next night, and instantly found him sloppily making out with this chick in the middle of the room while everyone watched. I was pretty hurt, so I left, called the local PD non-emergency line, pretended to be a disgruntled neighbor, and watched from a couple houses down as the cops shut down the party. Super, super petty but man, I was hurt. Guess that's college and dating for ya tho
The key to any successful relationship is communication.
The ability to be open and receptive to what a significant other has to say, as well as the ability to be able to convey something weighing on one's mind, can be healing.
But depending on the circumstance, some things are better left unsaid.
Curious to hear examples of what those might be, Redditor FamiliarFarmer8356 asked:
"What's something you wish you could tell your partner without upsetting them?"
If there is conflict, there is a way to discuss and address the issue in a civil and respectful manner.
Things Just Happen
"Every bad thing that happens doesn't require someone to be blamed for it. And that someone doesn't always have to be me."
A Cornerstone Of A Successful Union
"One of the cornerstones of a good marriage, is knowing how to argue. I’d actually say that before a couple get married, they should check how their potential partner behaves in an argument. What are they like when they get angry. It’s important because no two individuals are going to agree all the time. And on those occasions, it’s important to remember not to belittle the other. Deal with the issue at hand. And especially, don’t argue in front of the kids. You have no idea how much lasting damage this causes."
"All married couples should learn the art of battle as they should learn the art of making love. Good battle is objective and honest - never vicious or cruel. Good battle is healthy and constructive, and brings to a marriage the principles of equal partnership."
It's Not That Deep
"please stop complaining about everything."
"If you keep seeking out reasons to be miserable, you will find them."
"I'm tired of being dragged down with you."
There's no need to get defensive when there's something to discuss.
It's Not About You
"That some days I’m just tired from class and work and just want some me time, it’s not that I hate you my social battery is just running out."
"Her first reaction to something adverse doesn't have to be anger."
In The Words Of A Pirate
"In the wise words of captain Jack Sparrow sometimes:"
'the problem is not the problem, the problem is your attitude toward the problem.'
It Takes Two To Tango
"That I wish she’d be more independent so she didn’t need my help for everything outside the house."
"That it’s a little disturbing how aggressively he drives when he’s grumpy… heavy on both gas and brakes, zooming in and out of traffic, swearing at people who make mistakes… very unlike him."
Sometimes the truth hurts when talking about members of the family.
A Real Assessment
"That her mother is not a good person."
"I told my husband that it's not that his family is nosy and overbearing, it's that I hate watching him cave and negotiate as if they have a right to behave like this, and I really hate when I'm the bad guy for wanting reasonable limits."
"It got worse, then it got better, FYI."
"His parents are greedy, selfish people and treat him like an atm."
There's definitely a fine line between withholding your thoughts to protect the person you love and being brutally honest.
If coming clean isn't going to resolve an issue, then it might be better to suck it up and deal with whatever frustrations you have about the other person.
It's up to you, but make sure the delivery doesn't come from a place of rage if you do decided to be totally transparent about your negative thoughts.
Every family has a black sheep or every family in its entirety are black sheep.
What is a "black sheep" anyway?
It used to mean a person who brought shame or embarrassment to a family, but it's more often used now to mean the member who is just very different from everyone else—sometimes in a good way.
Redditor Frozen_yoghurt123 asked:
"Who is the 'black sheep' of your family?"
I'm the black sheep or at least I'd like to think so.
"Probably my dad's cousin, who went to prison for murdering his lover's husband."
DW_555Oh My Wow GIFGiphy
"My Dad. He is the only one of 6 siblings who wasn't a huge f**k up. And yet, before my Grandma died she stated that he was her 'biggest disappointment.' He is estranged from his surviving siblings... not by his choice. It honestly blows my mind."
"Toxicity is often a group mindset thing; people don't want you to leave because they are dysfunctionally co-dependent on each other and need each other to justify their own shortcomings in life. A lot of the 'family loyalty' stuff is typically shouted loudest by those who are the least good idea to stay loyal towards."
"My great uncle who stole my great grandfathers identity, stole a couple million dollars, and ran off. No one even knew he was alive until my great grandfathers funeral in 2009. No one has seen him since. My grandma started to cry because she honestly thought he was dead."
"Everyone else just kind of nodded on his direction and went on with the rest of the funeral. I just remember being very confused because I was 9 and I had never met this guy who my dad pulled me aside and told me he was my great uncle. It was a few years later that I got the full story."
"According to my mean aunt, the 'matriarch' in her own mind, it's my twin brother because "he doesn't care about family now that he's a doctor." (He's a resident. Chief resident. He works ridiculous hours and spends the rest of the time recovering from work.)"
"According to my ex-MIL (who still counts because she's Son's grandma), it's me, for divorcing her son."
"According to everyone else, it's Mean Aunt. The rest of us are warm and caring and compassionate. We have our moments; all of us have been accidentally thoughtless or done something selfish once in a while, but we're not deliberately mean and snarky all the time."
"My immediate family are the black sheep of the entire family."
DarthDreganJohn Stamos Cheers GIF by GrandfatheredGiphy
Sounds like everyone has a little black sheep in them.
"By now, my brother for cutting off everyone because he prefers his rude, selfish, paranoid, narcissist wife over all of us."
"My wife is the black sheep of her family in the sense that she's the only one who isn't a rude, selfish, paranoid narcissist."
Lvcivs2311Joe Dirt Brother GIFGiphy
"Me. My granddaddy told me 'I’ve only had the sheriff knock on my door two times in my 80 years, and both times he was looking for you! 'I did some dumb sh*t, caused a little trouble, burned a few bridges but always managed to stay out of jail. Partly because my sister has kept an attorney on retainer for me since I was 16."
"My younger brother (2nd of 4) is a compulsive liar and it got him in a lot of little trouble as a teen, then he told his wife he graduated a big college when we're not even sure if he got his GED because he failed to graduate HS, went to some GED school and eventually just stopped going."
"IF he graduated college, he never mentioned he was going in the 4+ years it takes nor mention graduation or have a diploma. He's not a bad dude, but now family time is super awkward when he and his wife are talking about 'their' college team."
The NOT good girl...
"My aunt's daughter. She’s been in jail for drugs, stolen money from my aunt and other family members to use on drugs and physically abused my aunt. My aunt has tried getting her help, but nothing has worked. She’s just not a good person, and everyone in my family, except my aunt, doesn’t want anything to do with her. I haven’t seen her in 8 years now, and I’m happy about that."
"A former nun - my great aunt - left the religious life and got married. She called herself 'the black sheep of the family' because her habit was black."
Back2BachExcited Julie Andrews GIF by The Rodgers & Hammerstein OrganizationGiphy
Well the black sheep sound like the most interesting family members.
Sex is great, but there are more ways than one to accomplish that euphoric feeling without sex.
There are so many small, ordinary aspects of life that can just send a person and we come across them daily.
A good steak.
A home repair.
The things that make you say...
"I tingle all over."
Redditor OldAboba asked:
"What is the best non-sexual physical feeling you’ve ever felt?"
Adele. Adele live. She sends me.
FloatingRelaxed Exit Strategy GIF by Hannah Bronfman Giphy
"I got a professional full body (everything but my man parts) massage a few years back for the first and so far only time at a spa after the recommendation from a coworker. I felt like I was floating on a cloud for the next few days."
Through your nose...
"Sneezing when you're sick. Then you get that about 20 second feeling of breathing through your nose again and you like ahh that's what I aspire to at the moment."
"Or the very last sneeze of your illness. During a fire drill in high school, I was ambling out after fighting a head old for a few days. The alarm was killing my head which was already throbbing from the sinus pressure."
"I was nearing the field, well away from my classmates, when I cough/sneezed out a huge, green loogie - cleared it about three feet, no icky trail - and by the time I was walking back to the building I was feeling pretty much back to normal. No more head cold after that. Never had something like that ever happen again where there was such an abrupt end to the head cold."
"Right after a migraine goes away. It's almost a spiritual experience."
"This was going to be my answer. I was in the ER one time for a really bad migraine. They gave me what they called a 'migraine cocktail.' When they pushed it through the IV I could feel the cold liquid make its way through my body, up to my head. Once it hit my brain, the migraine was gone. It was pure ecstasy. Even better was that cocktail had Benadryl in it so I fell asleep not long after and slept so good."
"That stretch til you shake when you wake up."
"I once stretched too hard in the morning and got the worst calf cramp ever... it looked like a prune and I thought I would die from the pain. Couldn't stretch in bed for months afterwards out of fear it would happen again."
"When you move over 50, it turns into that stretch til you put your back into a muscle spasm that lasts days."
The ItchScratching Feel Good GIF by 60 Second DocsGiphy
"I had a cast and splint on both my legs for 2 months. When they cut it off, they scratched my legs for me and the itch was just top notch! Yeah."
Itching an itch can change a life.
YUM!Emma Stone High Quality GIFGiphy
"When you're starving all day and devour a bomb a** meal."
Sleep for Life
"When you’ve been up for 20 hours+ and finally get into bed and you just know it’ll be the best sleep of your life."
"But man, after 36+ hours, the body sort of aches and it's hard to fall asleep despite being completely exhausted. Then the restless legs kick in... ugh. I do agree that a 20hr-ish stint is amazing to cuddle into, especially if you don't have to get up at any specific time the next day."
"Makes it better when you’ve been sleep deprived for weeks and know you have NO PLANS tomorrow and can sleep as much as you need."
"When you're absolutely busting for a pee and you can finally go!"
"Apparently there’s a thing called a 'pee-gasm' that people (usually women) have that causes an orgasmic feeling when you pee after holding it for a while! I’ve definitely experienced this and I’ve intentionally waited a while so I could have that good feeling... lol."
I Can Hear!!
"The feeling of water leaving your ear after being there all day."
"I had some impacted earwax for a week in one ear, and when it finally got removed it was the best feeling in the world. Initially it was like having a tv or radio in my ear that only had static, but then I could hear. Good god, I could hear. It was amazing."
"Oh man, and it’s WARM from being in your head, and the warmth makes the sensation of leaving even better."
A Good Restdog puppy GIFGiphy
"Sleeping in a warm blanket in winters."
"Or sleeping in a cold blanket in summer."
I am enthralled by all of those things.
People need to stop throwing out unwanted advice.
And when it is requested, think before you speak.
People with mental disorders don't need everyone telling them they have a fix like "exercise" or "herbal supplements."
Redditor Gold-Ad-2827 asked:
"People with mental disorders: What do you hate being told the most?"
I hated being told to just smile. You smile and go away.
Duhseth meyers GIF by Late Night with Seth MeyersGiphy
"It's all in your head. Where else would it?! My colon?"
"Everybody goes through that."
"This saying makes my blood boil. Or the 'I was that age once too ya know' yeah no sh*t you were that age once. And just because you were that age once doesn’t mean we have the same experience."
"They try to minimize it."
"You're worried? Just stop."
"You're sad? Just don't be."
"You're compulsively binge eating? Eat less."
"Thanks for that stellar advice."
"Or even better, 'Just do it!' As if ADHD paralysis can be stopped with a can-do attitude."
"I get so frustrated when people treat the idea of 'holistic medicine' as some kind of woo. How does it escape so many people that the body works holistically? Even a lot of doctors seem to ignore this. It's very frustrating when you have 2 or 3 or 4 illnesses that are all affecting each other, and your 'physical health' is held distinct from your mental health, and nothing anyone is doing to treat you works because no one's looking at the whole system."
"I just got a lecture from a psychiatrist I am seeing about nutrition, and he apologized to me for doing so but I told him, 'No, I appreciate it. Do it for all your patients.' because it told me he's trying to look at the whole picture and actually fix what's wrong. It gave me faith in him."
RelaxCalm Down Golden Girls GIF by TV LandGiphy
"You need to calm down."
"Never is the history of calm down has calm down ever caused anyone to calm down."
Calm down. I hate that one. You calm down.
TipsSeason 23 Reaction GIF by Law & OrderGiphy
"When they try to give me tips on what to do, like bruh as if I didn't already try that."
"You don't look sad. No crap... that's so I can avoid having this conversation. Also depression isn't 'being sad' like people think."
"God, I hate this. It's because saying 'I'm depressed' has been standard for people expressing that they're slightly unhappy about something dumb like not getting enough croutons on their salad or some crap. Now that's just what everyone assumes you mean when you say you have depression."
"'Stop being lazy.'"
“'Lazy' is when you don’t want to do anything at all. 'Executive disfunction' is when you can do everything at all, but that one easy quick thing that you do want to do just makes you and your brain freeze completely days ahead. I’m tired of people not understand that even when I explain and look at me like I’m bullshitting instead."
Ways to Cope
"Maybe you should try praying harder. I did, He prescribed medication."
"Praying is a way to cope for a lot of people, I think. That's totally fine, but insisting on praying in lieu of getting real help or actually addressing the issue is when it is not only unhelpful, but dangerously detrimental."
"Religious people will bypass everyone’s cultures, identity, views, and feelings just to be right and make a point. it’s disgusting. I read somewhere that real so called Christianity is all wrong. The real faith is from the Aramaic history and all the meanings were misinterpreted and the stories and all were made up by Catholics wanting to control their people. Yuck."
'contamination'Disgusted Season 6 GIF by Brooklyn Nine-NineGiphy
"As someone with OCD with a lot of attention to 'contamination', having someone try to explain contradictions in why I'm doing something that is technically unclean when I wouldn't do something that is technically clean due to OCD. There are a few doorknobs that I will not touch no matter how much you clean them in front of me and I know it makes no sense, if it made sense I wouldn't have OCD i'd just be cleanly."
Stop trying to be an armchair therapist. Be empathetic to people first.