People Who Listen To Quality Assurance Recordings Share The Funniest Thing They've Ever Heard
Funny how the word "quality" is bandied about so frivolously. When in quality control, one should hope for a serious situation to assure that all will go well. But alas, that does not seem to be the case. Quality control calls seem to be the foundation for the best of stand up.
Redditor u/RipeMonkey wanted to everyone to share a good laugh by asking.... People who listen to the "This call may be recorded for quality assurance" recordings, what's the funniest or craziest thing you've heard?
3rd Party....
You know secret shoppers? The people that report about the store and the workers? They are real, it's not just a too-good-to-be-true scam.
That said, I had a job similar, but over the phone. Companies would contact my company and ask for third party reviews all the time. ADT, dish, or even home Depot, would have us call in and act like interested customers.
I did my fair share of call making, sure, but I would also transcript calls to send back to the hiring company.
My favorite thing was all the bad accents our employees would put on. We were given a fake person with a fake name, address, and phone number, every day. And, sometimes, those people we had to pretend to be lived in states we have never visited. A majority of our personas were from the south, and listening to a kid with a thick Boston accent trying his best southern drawl.. absolutely wonderful. Might_Be_A_Cabbage
Get to Work.
LOL I do this quite a bit. I'm usually laughing a lot while listening. More often than not, it's the customer that makes me laugh, and then the rep's reaction to what they say. It's made funnier when you know the rep and their real personality, and you have to listen to them trying to keep it together.
I can't really say the craziest, because there's just too many to pick one. But the funniest was when there was a global issue for nearly all of our customers, and some lady was FLIPPING. HER. CRAP. about it. She said, "Well, my husband isn't just anyone, and he needs this to work.
Get me a supervisor who will fix this!" Lady, that's not how any of this works. There are engineers across the country working on the issue and there isn't a magic button to just make it work because you think your husband is more important than anyone else. The rep was at a loss for words for a few seconds, but he was able to politely explain how that stuff works and she huffed and puffed and finally accepted it. I gave him the highest score possible for that call. She was a pill. AlliCakes
Samoan Voices.
An elderly Samoan lady and her son were talking to one of our CSRs via an interpretation service we use.
While the agent was processing something on the lady's file, she ends up talking the interpreter and her son into singing hymns in Samoan with her to pass the time. They all had great voices not gonna lie. ThatHataitaiGuy
Oh the Moaning....
When I was starting to work in a call center I was listening along to someone else's call and he was explaining to this trashy lady why we couldn't do what she was asking
At a certain point she gets really frustrated and she asked for the supervisor, something I would later find out is really REALLY common in the US I take of my headset as he explains what I gotta do in those situations but before he finished his sentence his face turned into absolute horror as he urged me to put it back on and so I do
I hear moaning.
We both start loosing our minds laughing before getting back to her and once he re-gains composure this happens Him: Thank you so much for your pa- Her: Hold on Buzzing buzzing stops We both look at each other in disbelief Her: Sorry, go ahead Him: ... Her: Hold on, hold on Her (To someone else): Yes mAy i gET A BiG mac nO TOmaTo aND a LarGE coffffe? This lady was making a money transfer on the phone, flicking her bean and ordering food in the drive thru. The queen of multitasking, everyone.
And yes, after that she was in a much better mood Sorry for bad english. Vulva_rider
Never talked to that guy again.
Back when I worked in a call center we would review calls with our supervisors every month. I talked to a guy who was clearly having sex while we were on the call, and not at all trying to hide it. I aced the call, but I worked with business customers and he was with a partner help desk (working from home I think). We got to report to his management what happened and we listened to the call again with them and him. It was about the most awkward thing I've ever done. Once the call ended there was about 30 seconds of silence where you could taste the tension. Never talked to that guy again. warboy3
"did you just call me a moron?"
Years ago I worked tech support for a software company that no longer exists. Our calls were monitored, etc., and it was done by one of the supervisors connecting a cassette recorder to a port on their phone and then dialing a code that would let them listen in.
I took a call from some guy who was unbelievably dumb. He was trying to use our scripting language to do something, and just had absolutely no idea. Like, he didn't know anything about programming, or scripts, or even the most basic functions of our software. I had led him by the hand for like 30 minutes and he just wasn't getting it. I finally told him that maybe he needed to get someone more experienced to help him with his project.
No, he wasn't having it, and he just plowed forward, and the clock kept ticking, my average time kept climbing, and I finally needed to vent so I hit the MUTE button on my phone and said GET OFF MY PHONE YOU MORON. As I went to unmute the phone, the guy said, "did you just call me a moron?"
And there it was, still unpressed for some reason, the MUTE button. About 5 seconds of silence went by. I hung up and took another call.
My supervisor sat in the cube across from me. He wasn't recording me at that time, and didn't say anything to me about it. That night on the way out of the building, he walked up behind me and said to never trust the mute button. I shit myself the whole night but it was never mentioned again. alaninsitges
Call Back.
Used to supervise a call center. There was the time a rep asked for the customer's order confirmation number & last 4.
Customer mentioned something about driving & not being able to reach her purse or something like that. Our rep asked "do you want to pull over or call us back later?" The customer hadn't even been on hold that long (<5 min). So, it wasn't like she'd been waiting forever & didn't want to miss her one chance.
Anyway, as the customer was, we assume, reaching for her purse, you can hear a car horn honking, followed by the unmistakable sound of tires squealing & the crush of metal & glass. Then silence for a few seconds.
The customer finally speaks again. "Um, I think I'm gonna have to call you back." simononandon
Room 301....
This happened when i was working the switch board for a hotel and was doing call evaluation (yes hotels have that too). A guest from room 301 requested few items and the agent called room service 321 who ended up telling her that they did not have the mentioned things. So, as per protocol she called back the guest to let em know, they ended up placing another item for order. So she called back room service except this time she dialed 301 (THE GUEST). He said in a very annoyed voice 'there is no blah blah?' and she without skipping a beat went on a rant of "what type of in-room dining are you running here.
Its peak hour and you do not have what the guest wants, so you tell what i should do. Cause i sure as hell am not calling him. Also give him something free for the lack of customer service!".... 30 seconds of silence and she realized its the guest she just yelled at and starts a string of 'i'm sssssoooo sorry...'. He had a good laugh and asked for her name and wrote a review at front desk during check out 'your staff really puts effort to make sure we are fed ;)'... Never a dull day in the hospitality industry. r_sanz_ch
Dear Nurse...
We review our EMS calls into the ED from time to time and heard one where the nurse said "yeah that's not gonna work out, just go somewhere else". Well luckily the medic knew better and brought them sparring us a huge fine. That nurse got a good talking to and her recording is played at every training session of what not to say. Noname_left
word for word.....
Supervisor for tech support for a cable call center about 6 years ago....
We had an outage due to a fiber cut in an area and i told our team chat about it and was being silly because... you have to to stave off madness.... I found out the fiber cut was due to a road crew digging and they left the scene before we could hold them accountable. Well i passed this along to my agents and said "Yeah, a damn road crew dug up our fiber then zip zop skadeedle bopped the hell outta there". I got a few laughs from my agents and didn't think much of it and went about my day.
Fast forward 3 weeks and i am doing QA's for one of my agents and no kidding i pull 5 calls from that day and he read... word for word... what i put in our team chat to our customers..... i had to pull him into a meeting with HR and give him a written warning and coach him on proper phone etiquette. Then i was promptly given a warning by HR on proper team chat etiquette.
Not my proudest moment but i laughed my ass off listening to the customers responses to him telling them that. hghlnder72
Listen In....
I didn't have the call listened to but rather was still on the call when a man said he wants to cut my head off with a sword and mess my neck. The company didn't like people to hang up on potential customers, so I stayed in it, and actually sold him. It was really uncomfortable. Cityofthevikingdead
ya'll ready for this?
I worked in a call center and my boss would review a call with me in each of my monthly 1:1s. He started the call and it was one where I assessed the issue and realized it should go to a coworker. The recording captured me putting the customer on hold, then initiating the transfer to my coworker who I had already messaged with and knew the call was coming. So when my coworker picked up I said "ya'll ready for this... ba da da" and sung probably 25 seconds of the space jam theme. My boss and I sat in silence in a small conference room listening to this together with him just staring at me the whole time. agaggleofsharts
Oh Teenage Males....
Game support where you have a teenage males as a large base of your fans....
No surprise to anyone who has done the work, but these kids have no problem whatsoever on the phone telling reps the various ways they are going to kill them or f them up, mess up their family etc etc.. per 100 contacts, there are a few of these.
We did both mail and phone, I know some of the mail support companies have actually turned people into the police as players are dumb enough to write in from their accounts several times with specific death / bomb threats to the company, if they don`t change something about the game.... fredickhayek
Oh Lawd!
I used to work at a call center and we had regular quality checks where they would pull a random call, review it, and bring us in for a meeting to go over the results.
One time, I had a really mean, awful lady on the phone. I had to put her on hold to look something up without screaming in my ears. I forgot to mute, so as soon as she went on hold you can hear me, clear as a bell, saying "oh my God Jesus Lord what a mess. Damn."
Of course, thats the one they pulled.
I almost died of embarrassment, but the quality person laughed and didn't fail me since the customer couldn't hear it. eyebrowshampoo
Forget You Comcast!
"I have tremendous admiration for our Retention professionals, who make it easy for customers to choose to stay with Comcast." bachpanjaja
So Many.....
Used to listen to random calls when doing QA on my staff members.
The random calls I listened to were boring, nothing interesting there. The great ones were the calls that were referred because of an incident or complaint.
- A rep flagged a call due to the customer being inappropriate. Listened to the call and found the customer had told the rep he was masturbating, and he wanted to orgasm whilst the female rep talked. Customer was fired.
- On that theme, we had a male rep get flirty with a customer and at the end of the call asked her out. She accepted, they ended up getting engaged. Whilst we were happy for them, we had to point out hitting on customers wasn't really a thing we tolerated.
- A customer got angry at one of our reps and called her a "stupid colored woman". She called him a "white horror". There was silence on the line as the customer processed this, and then he resumed the conversation like nothing had happened.
- One time a rep flagged a call because the customer had a bad case of the squirts and was calling from the toilet. Customer had been on hold for too long and didn't want to call back, so the rep had to listen to the customer crapping out their insides whilst on the phone for a tech support issue. goatwomble
Whose Butt?
We recently started using new software at my job at a self storage facility that records calls. We also had some old marketing lines that we were trying to weed out, because other companies had previously used them, and we were constantly getting wrong number calls for other companies in the area. My manager took a call one day and got all flustered, couldn't stop laughing.
She played the call for us once she hung up and a woman says, "Yeah, how much for that butt?" My manager tried to stay professional and said, "Excuse me, can you repeat that?", and the woman just kept asking for the price of "butt". After a couple minutes of this, we figured out she was trying to reach the fish market down the street to ask the price of black bass, but was speaking very quickly with a sort of colloquial accent. We've had many more since then, but this one was my favorite. lydmeister
"Out of stock"
We had a customer call in mad that ups would not deliver their order. We reached out to ups to find out why and were told that the customer has gotten into the ups trucks and fought the drivers. This happened multiple times so ups will no longer deliver and the dude has to pick up the order.
Another customer referred to me as a different name every time he referenced me ( cheif, sport, bro, ect.) And then ended the call with "thanks my N-word". He dropped the hard r.
Lastly a customer received a package that was supposed to be a set of 2 chairs and they received 1 chair and a hand written note that said "out of stock." TheKyrios3
Passport Not Needed....
It's mostly sad stuff. People clicking on fraudulent ads and losing money by buying steam gift cards to fix their computer.
Or people being idiots and complaining that flights are expensive because they are buying trying to buy them for the same day. Or this one guy losing 1500 because he missed his first flight, and then missed the second one because he didn't realize that he needed a passport. Autunite
You're Fired.
One time we had an outside trainer come in and show us an example of an excellent call that hit on all the corporate required points. The guy had been fired literally the week before. mmmmmm89mmmmmm
People Break Down The Exact Moment They Realized They Were Being Manipulated By Someone They Trusted
Manipulation is designed to be stealthy. We hardly recognize it when it's happening to us because our abuser has forced it to appear under wraps.
But when we recognize it for what it really is, we really feel like we've been smacked across the face. There is no other descriptor for it. Usually we've trusted and loved those that manipulated us.
A Platitude Of Pleasing
<p>You never know where the next blowout is coming from. Any time something needs to be addressed, you might try to bring it up once, gently, if you're feeling brave. If you meet the slightest bit of resistance, or you don't feel like that fight in the first place, you just go "okay dear" instead. You find that you'll put the argument off until next time, and hope that whatever you thought to bring up won't have any consequences, because you'll be hearing about those, too. It sucks, and I'm glad you can speak about it in the past tense.</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/TheGreatestAuk/" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">TheGreatestAuk</a></p>Wrong Or Right Or Just Not Agreeing?
<p>When I started realizing that I was feeling like I was constantly walking on eggshells. I never knew which version of my friend I'd get when we saw each other, or when we hung out. I also just completely stopped disagreeing with them because I didn't want to hear them tell me how wrong I was if we didn't share the same viewpoint.</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/WhatArcherWhat/" target="_blank">WhatArcherWhat</a></p>Being Used
<p>My best friend suddenly distanced herself from me. But every now and then she'd call and ask if I wanted to do something, and I was encouraged because I thought it meant that things were still good between us. It took me an embarrassingly long time to realize that she only called when she wanted to do something that required a ride, since she didn't have a car. The only thing I can say in my defense is that I don't use people that way so I didn't recognize user behavior. You can bet I do now.</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/Goldeverywhere/" target="_blank">Goldeverywhere</a></p>Hiding The Receipts
<p>I was living with my former best friend and his gf at the time. When I asked for grocery receipts (I trusted him & his ex to buy groceries bc I didn't have a car at the time + our work schedules were different so I couldn't go with them) and they wouldn't provide any. The only reason I became suspicious was bc they started asking for a ridiculous amount of money for my half and the actual amount of food wasn't adding up. Up until that point they never asked for a crazy amount and I was content with our groceries, but I noticed they became extremely greedy. When I then asked to see a banking statement, they wouldn't even provide me with that either.</p><p>At that point I just realized they were finessing me out of extra money and I started buying my own food. I just bit my tongue bc we only had like 2 months left on the lease. They tried to gaslight me and make me seem like the bad guy any chance they had (almost the entire time I lived with them actually). Eventually, I grew apart from him once I moved away and the only reason he hit me back up was bc she cheated on him so he probably didn't have anyone else to turn to (go figure). We don't talk anymore.</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/0MG1MW3T/" target="_blank">0MG1MW3T</a></p>Ah Yes, Good Old DARVO
<p>My mother and I have always had a rocky relationship. She's always encouraged me to tell her what's wrong, however, any time I would she'd immediately go "sorry I'm such a terrible mother, I give you everything you want and it's still not good enough! Why don't you just go live with someone you don't hate?" Keep in mind this happens over small things such as "mom, I'd appreciate it if you'd knock before coming into my room. You know how easily I startle and you barging into my room really upsets me"</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/paytonc0510/" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">paytonc0510</a></p>How Do You Do This To Someone
<p>8 years into the relationship. As we're sitting down he explains to me that the "first couple years" we were together he only saw me as a place to crash and free rides, but he loved me NOW, and even though I accomplished all the goals HE set for ME so we could get married he said "I never really thought you could do it". Oh and also you got fat, but don't worry we can fix it! It was like a magic veil lifted and I finally saw who he really was. F**k you James.</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/DoNotUseOnHumans/" target="_blank">DoNotUseOnHumans</a></p>Be My Friend And Not Theirs
<p>She always managed to make me do things I didn't really want to do but the last straw was when she decided I had to stop being friends with two mates of mine over something stupid that offended her. </p><p>Cut her off over that and she then proceeded to act derisively ("you'll come back"), then badmouthed me and then begged me to take her back. Ten years later I am still friends with those two guys and she's still out of my life.</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/FatherTedHackett/" target="_blank">FatherTedHackett</a></p>Victim Time
<p>When literally every time me and my mom talked she played the victim.</p><p>I was trying to help her raise me, ask me about my grades and stuff. For her I just existed, she wasn't responsible at all.</p><p>I grew up watching her play the victim to others, and I was always on her side, cuz she's my mom you know. Also I never really understood what was going on.</p><p>I started getting older and older, and seeing sh*t after sh*t she did. I understood what she did to my father, to my step-dad, to my sister, to her friends.</p><p>Probably I'd be the next one who she would use and throw away.</p><p>I talked to her... and you know the result. The victim. Nothing it's her fault.</p><p>The last time we talked, I was expecting the victim card. When she started speaking, I already knew what was going to happen. I didn't even said a word, I just agreed with her, and the next day I moved out. I'm not wasting my time.</p><p>It was the last day before quarantine, I remember it as if it was yesterday. Friday night: saturday morning I was packing my stuff.</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/NotFromHeel/" target="_blank">NotFromHeel</a></p>Sixteen Years Of Made Up Lies
<p>After 16 years of marriage I realized my now ex was manipulating me. I would work and take care of the house and if I asked him to do something like get a job or clean up he would stage a mental breakdown and make me feel bad for asking him for help. </p><p>He would play up a horrible childhood or PTSD from the military to make me feel like I need to take care of him. Then would play on his computer all day and smoke while I worked. </p><p>Found out that a lot of his horrible childhood stories were made up and that he never made it through basic training in the military. I am happily with someone now but still catch myself cringing when he does things like cook or clean thinking that he is going to yell at me for being lazy. Meanwhile he loves me and is just doing things to take care of me. I'm working on deprogramming myself.</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/HolyCelestialCow/" target="_blank">HolyCelestialCow</a></p>Sometimes It's The Mother-In-Law
<p>Took me until after the engagement to realize that my cheating ex fiancee was trying to browbeat me into submission.</p><p>Anywho, I quickly recognized emotional blackmail and manipulation from my MIL after getting married to a different girl years later due to that experience. I called her out on it.</p><p>She... Doesn't like that. But since my wife and sister-in-law and brother-in-law also recognize it they've got my back.</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/engineertr1gg/" target="_blank">engineertr1gg</a></p>Just as new mothers encounter the sudden, influential developments of powerful hormone changes, protective instincts, and milk production, so new fathers undergo some key changes of their own.
Their socks become exclusively white, climbing higher up the calf than ever before. All their shorts sprout cargo pockets and clunky belt loop cell phone holders. They start to really lean in to their old records.
Regional Laws
<p>"Dad, driving past a cemetery: Did you know anyone living in a 3 mile radius of a cemetery isn't allowed to be buried there?"</p><p>"Me: No, I had no idea. How come?"</p><p>"Dad: Yeah, you're not allowed to bury the living"</p><p>-- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjk1d2k?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">TinyLuckDragon</a></p>For the Face Plant Image
<p>"Why do Scuba Divers fall backwards off a boat?"</p><p>"Because if they fell frontwards they'd still be on the boat" -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjjv4mt?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">hatsnatcher23</a></p><p style="margin-left: 20px;">"Just told this one to my bf and he still has his face in his hands" -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjka0w7?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">sxeoompaloompa</a></p>A Mammal of Few Words
<p>"What did the father buffalo say when his child left for school?"</p><p>"Bison" -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjjp257?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">TatooineLight</a></p><p style="margin-left: 20px;">"LOL" -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjjp9p0?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">BennuH</a></p><p style="margin-left: 20px;">"Told this to my brother, he laughed his a** off." -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjk4cvq?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">Type10Civilization</a></p>Baggage
<p>"When I do home improvements I always use my step ladder"</p><p>"I never knew my real ladder" -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjjlkab?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">DavosLostFingers</a></p><p style="margin-left: 20px;">"Whoever took the ladder, please return it or further steps will be taken." -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjm2htz?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">WaldhornNate</a></p>Woah Woah Woah, We're in Public
<p>"Me: I'm not very hungry, I just want something easy"</p><p>"Server: maybe the chicken strips for $6"</p><p>"Me: maybe it does, but that doesn't help my hunger" -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjjuq78?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">mcnoobs_</a></p><p style="margin-left: 20px;">"My husband was facepalming for solid 8 minutes after I read that joke to him." -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjnee7m?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">Madanax</a></p>Not Wrong
<p>"Two dudes were on a boat with a few cigarettes, but they didn't have anything to light them, so they threw one of the cigarettes out of the boat, and the boat became a cigarette lighter." </p><p>-- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjjkeoz?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">OrangeMirrorJuice</a></p>Watch the News Before Saying This One
<p>"Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?"</p><p>"It's okay, they eventually woke up."</p><p>"I cringe every time." -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjk0ej7?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">unicorndreamz94</a></p><p style="margin-left: 20px;">"My 10 year old tried this one a few weeks ago. Unfortunately, I had just read news about a missing local girl. 'So I answered that yes I heard about the missing girl' Scared the sh** out of my 10 year old" -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjo3ssv?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">Aubear11885</a></p>Got a Million of Em
<p>"What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fshhhh."</p><p>"I'm sorry but I'm about to say something tasteless. Water."</p><p>"I got fired from my job at the calendar factory. I took a day off."</p><p>"Unfortunately though, I can't really tell these jokes since I'm not a dad. I'm a faux pa."</p><p> -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjk9igl?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">WholeGrainMustard</a></p>G-Pa With the Physics Humor
<p>"Why does the movie "speed" have no director?"</p><p>"If it had direction, it'd be called velocity!"</p><p>"-my grandpa, earlier today" -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjk4wdo?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">ConceptUpset4681</a></p><p style="margin-left: 20px;">"That's better than a regular dad joke. It's a grand dad joke." -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjkuc30?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">VaultBoy9</a></p>A Surprising Amount of Elevator Humor
<p>"I have a joke about elevators."</p><p>"It works on so many levels......." -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjk1lrv?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">M0ntgomatron</a></p><p style="margin-left: 20px;">"Did you hear about the corruption at the elevator company?"</p><p style="margin-left: 20px;">"It went all the way to the top." -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjkyjrp?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">RandomName222222222</a></p>Cleaning up is hard enough when it's just clearing a month of dust bunnies. Can you imagine cleaning the debris left by murder, suicide and violence? I have a really great friend who used to do crime scene clean-up for a living. The pay is incredible; it starts at $55 an hour. But there is a much higher cost in mental well being. Death affects you in ways you don't always feel immediately. My friend has stories of nightmares, depression and pain after leaving scenes of horror. Why make all that money just to spend it on therapy? It takes a certain type of person.
***TRIGGER WARNING. CONTENTS ARE SENSITIVE ***
Redditor u/MemegodDave wanted to hear from the people who have the stomach to come in after crime and tragedyto try to bring back some form of normalcy to the location by asking... People who make their living out of cleaning murder scenes, accidents and the like, what is the worst thing you have experienced in your career?
Wrapped Up
<p>Dad had to saran wrap a guy's intestines back into his body once.</p><p>Dude had surgery and pushed too hard on the toilet. Dude was fine, according to Dad, just holding himself together on the toilet while a group of firefighters tried to figure out why the hell they were sent instead of paramedics.</p><p><em>Update</em> When he pushed too hard he opened a scar on his torso/ab area and it all fell out onto his lap. Should have mentioned this when I wrote the post. </p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/l48wk3/people_who_make_their_living_out_of_cleaning/gko9lq0?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">noblemile</a><span></span></p>Flesh
<p>One that stuck with me was a suicide in a bathtub, we couldn't drain the tub, so had to use a coagulant then scoop up the bloody mess into biohazard bags. Same for the toilet. Another was a suicide by gun in a basement full of boxes which was a nightmare to clean as even the smallest bit of flesh had to be found and cleaned up. The smell of the smallest piece of flesh meant the job wasn't done until it was found. </p>Walk Away
<p>Medic here, first responder to a motorcycle collision. Guy who crashed was a friend. He'd been torn in half and almost decapitated.</p><p>Had to walk away from the scene and let my driver and another crew handle it. Think about it daily. </p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/l48wk3/people_who_make_their_living_out_of_cleaning/gko4y58?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">Sabre-23</a><span></span></p>All over the House
<p>I posted this on another thread so just copy and pasted it but this was one that I had to do</p><p>Clean up after a murder. It was a rehab house for ex cons, 4 bedroom house with communal bathroom and kitchen. Sunday morning and guy A is in his room listening to music pretty loud, guy B is in the kitchen cooking his breakfast, B knocks on A's door and tells him to turn it down, there's a small argument and B returns to his breakfast and A turns his music up. So B grabs the biggest knife in the kitchen, kicks in A's door and stabs him through his left shoulder, entering by his collar bone. </p>"ride-alongs"
<p>Not a cleaner, but my brother's best friend is a police officer and I heard all about this horrible experience:</p><p>My brother's friend took him on "ride-alongs," all the time. One day, they were responding to a welfare check. This guy's neighbor saw his apartment door cracked open for several days and called the police. They went to check it out and found a college student (18-19) who had shot himself. </p>Melt Away
<p>When I was a bartender, a couple of clients told me the worst part about the job is cleaning melted bodies.</p><p>I don't know the science behind that, but from what I understand is if a body stays for a while in a certain condition of temperature and humidity, it melts. And those guys have to remove that person's remains in buckets. </p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/l48wk3/people_who_make_their_living_out_of_cleaning/gknsqfm?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">Kaynny</a><span></span></p>Audrey
<p>I had a great uncle who helped clean up the bodies left behind by hurricane Audrey in 1957 and he said that the smell persisted in his nose for weeks after. It got so bad that he went to the doctor to see if they could do anything and they clipped all of his nose hairs and the smell went away. It was explained to him that the smell had soaked into the hair but I don't claim to know the validity of that statement.</p>Hazard
<p>One of my first jobs after moving I did this, and the job that had me walking wasn't even a scene as described. We did all types of hazmat cleans and the worst was actually a couple went on vacation and came back to backed up sceptic. Think about 1 ft thick hard dried out crusty sceptic waste spread throughout the entire 1st floor of a house. Not going further into detail here. Was nasty.</p><p>Septic, not sceptic. On break and mobile, so yeah... </p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/l48wk3/people_who_make_their_living_out_of_cleaning/gknvzn8?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">Kamenovski</a><span></span></p>After the Crash...
<p>Working for a tow truck driver that get the calls after crashes. The worst one for me was a family of 6 coming back with over 10 pizzas for a baseball team. It was a head on with a tractor trailer (18 wheeler). The ambulance took the bodies away of course, everyone died but one little guy. There was so much blood and vomit, diapers, toy dolls covered in blood, the pizza was everywhere inside of the car like 2" thick on everything and all over the road. </p>Fresh Meat
<p>Friend of mine does this.</p><p>His worst was an elderly woman who died in a bath. Skin falls off like long cooked meat. So he just saw piles of skin/flesh</p><p>God just writing this makes me gag. </p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/l48wk3/people_who_make_their_living_out_of_cleaning/gknwqwu?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">PlagueDoc22</a><span></span></p>Image by freestocks-photos from Pixabay |
We all know the telltale signs that something is making us uncomfortable. Suddenly, we begin shaking, either in our hands or knees or toes. Then, usually, sweat starts pouring out of every part of our body, making it look like we just ran through a rainstorm underneath a waterfall. Finally, we lose our regular speech functions. Everything goes out of sync and our words don't match up to what's in our minds.
What's interesting is that what usually brings about these fits of uncomfortableness differs from person to person, as evidenced by the stories below.