Not My Finest Work

Found myself matching pace with a cute guy on campus. Feeling flirtatious, I yelled out, "On your mark, get set, GO!" and then took of running, thinking he'd join me.

Instead, he called out, "You'll win!" and pointed out the cane he was walking with, that I failed to notice.

Actual_Gacy

This Wasn't So Bad

Mom went to high school with the owner of a local funeral home.

As she and I were leaving a wake at the parlor, the undertaker said:

"Hope to see you again soon."

I replied, "Upright, I hope." At which point, Mom gave me the look!

Back2Bach

Never Assume Pregnancy

Not me, but my friend. Soooo glad not me.

Another acquaintance of ours had recently had a baby. Like six months before. She hadn't lost the baby weight, and in fact, it looked like her stomach really hadn't gone down much from when she was pregnant.

So my friend goes up to her and says, "Oh you're having another baby!" and she touches her stomach.

Girl says: "No, I'm just fat."

Then my friend doubles down and says, "No...you're definitely pregnant, right?"

Girl says, "Seriously, no just fat."

Like she wouldn't have known if she was pregnant. Gaawwwd. I still cringe.

_seventytwo

Shouldn' 'Ave Said Tha'

Wanted gf to come over but didn't wanna drive, wanted to uber her to me. She complained about not wearing makeup and feeling fat and asked me if she gained weight. I didn't think she gained weight and thought that was obvious and that she was fishing for compliments. So, I, being the comedic genius I am, thought it would be funny to say "No worries, that's what Uber XL is for."

BIG hagrid moment.

MagnusTheBlack

The Worst Of The Worst Faux Pas

My mom's twin brother passed away and before her brother died, she got a necklace with her brother's name on it. She looked at it and said "he will live on through this necklace" and my stupid @$$ said "No, he's gonna live on as dust in a jar"

I should not have said that

I should NOT have said that

IRelyOnMemes

Gaming Jokes About Papa

My dad had been deceased for years, a friend of mine lost his recently... I went up to him at work, leaning over his cubicle as the manager walked by. I said "I used to tell dad jokes, but now he's dead" He was shocked at first but began to laugh because he too enjoys that humor. Well.. the manager couldn't believe how cold I was. She insisted I apologize to him, to which I turned to him and to prove he wasn't offended or bothered, I told my manager that his dad was lame for not having dropped any loot when he died.

Le woops.

Friend is trying hard not to laugh, tears emerging. Everyone else in their cubicles mortified at my joke. I was insisted to take the rest of the day off.

There are people who aren't monsters for liking this kind of joke.

Illfury

Swallowing Your Foot

A female friend of mine – to whom I was admittedly attracted – had been expressing her reservations about an upcoming vacation with her family. Though it wasn't being overtly presented as such, the trip was meant as a way of re-solidifying her parents' marriage, which had been a touch rocky at the time. They would all be driving from San Francisco to Redding (which is a small town in the middle of absolutely nowhere in Northern California), where they'd stay at a bed-and-breakfast inn for a weekend before continuing northward for some unknown destination.

In keeping with the alleged purpose of this so-called vacation, my friend's parents had booked two rooms at the inn. To her dismay, though, the young woman discovered that her mother would be occupying one room, her father would have the other, and that she and her sister would each have to bunk with one of their parents. This was worthy of lament on its own, but it was made unforgivably worse by the verbal diarrhea that I offered in an attempt at providing comfort:

"Aw, it won't be so bad!" I told my friend. "Your father will probably enjoy sleeping with you."

A moment passed before I realized what I had said. Then, with a feeling of growing horror, I tried to explain myself. "Wait, I didn't mean it like that!" I hurriedly said. "I mean, like, he's probably sick of sleeping with your mom. No, wait, I mean... I just mean that he wants to spend some quality time with his daughter."

If I had stopped there, I might have been able to salvage the situation... but as it happened, I decided that the best course of action would be to keep talking. "I can't say that I blame him, really. I'd love to sleep with you."

She and I don't talk much these days.

RamsesThePigeon

Genuinely Didn't Mean That!

I used to work for Research In Motion during the fun times before the iPhone stole their lunch.

I get an email from the higher ups saying something is wrong with one of the activation reports, way down despite all other indicators looking fine.

I take a look and find out that the report wasn't including all the carrier specific colours we'd introduced, so we had 'red' but not 'T-Mobile Crimson' or 'Sprint Fuschia' and so on.

I group all the carrier colours in and I'm surprised at how many variants of the colour black there are, Onyx, Obsidian, Slate, Jet Black, Pitch Black and on and on.

I yell to my coworker a few cubicles over 'Eric, check out all the blacks over here!'

HR let me off with a warning.

alrankin

As Big As A Boulder

When I was in college, my boyfriend had a serious chip on his shoulder due to the fact that my parents were able to help me financially more than his could help him. My freshman year, my parents told me that they would rather I didn't get a part time job and simply focus on adjusting to university. Obviously, I respected their decision.

As an adopted child, I'm incredibly grateful to have parents to begin with, much less ones that were willing to help me financially during my young adulthood. They didn't have to do that. Therefore, I was always very lowkey about my financial standing. Kept it to myself. Didn't want to brag. Tried to be very aware of the fact that most young adults are not that lucky.

This didn't matter to my boyfriend at the time. He'd make constant digs about how "spoiled" I was, and didn't understand what the "real world" was like. Now, this infuriated me. As an ex-foster kid, I completely understand what the "real world" is like. One night, I got my grades back, and found out I made Deans List. I texted him and told him I wanted to celebrate. He responded with, "I could make Deans List too if my parents paid for everything and all I had to worry about was spending time in the library."

I responded with, "I'm sorry that my parents have their priorities straight and decided that providing for my secondary education was more important to them than getting drunk and partying every single weekend. I get its upsetting that your parents obviously couldn't make that same commitment to you, but that's not my fault."

For context: His parents were upper middle class, but decided NOT to help their kids out in young adulthood because they had this "you need to learn the hard way to be responsible for your finances"... even though they themselves spent every weekend getting wasted, spending way too much money at random clubs and bars. I was tired of him taking his frustrations with his own parents out on me.

LilTreeHuger21

Nope, Not The Dog

I was making my first appearance at a family dinner of an ex gf's. Her uncle was telling everybody that his wife and 'coco' had just gone on a holiday to Spain.

Me: "oh cool she brought the dog with her?"

Uncle : "No..... Coco is our daughters name"

I think the family are glad I'm now an ex

DickySpurt