Parenting is a pretty subjective thing. What works for one family might be something another family finds ridiculous. Generally, we're all out here just trying to keep our kids alive and as happy and healthy as we can.
There are some parents who absolutely do NOT fit that mold. Whether it's malicious or not, there are about a zillion examples of trash parenting out there. One Reddit user asked:
What's the worst case of bad parenting you've ever witnessed?
The responses were heartbreaking and infuriating - mostly because there were just so many of them. We gathered a few replies for you here. You read these while we go hug as many kids as we can (with consent, of course. It would be weird otherwise.) Heads up, some of these may be hard to read or triggering for some people. Proceed with caution.
"She Still Came Out..."
When my mom was still living at home with my grandparents they had neighbors who had three kids. An older daughter who was slow/had some mental issues, a son, and another daughter. When she was pregnant with her son she was sitting on the porch downing a beer when another neighbor asked her if that was ok for the baby.
Her response was: "Well, I quit drinking with the first one and she still came out ret*rded".
The whole family pretty much excluded the oldest girl from everything they did
Home Town Hot Mess
I used to know a girl, we will call her Brittany. She had a bad habit of smoking, drinking, and using drugs during her pregnancy but our issues started before that.
Let's go back to before anyone knew she was pregnant.
I used to hang out with her crowd quite a bit. Brittany was being really pushy to people all night at one particular New Year's Eve party. I was pretty drunk and just trying to avoid her.... She kept telling me how tough she was and could take a punch to the gut from anyone. She kept pushing me and telling me she wasn't going to stop until I punched her. She kept cornering me, pushing me, hitting me.
I was weak. After a long time, I caved and hit her in the gut. Not very hard, but hard enough.. I'm still not proud of it, I should have left her alone.
She buckled and ended up crying on the couch. I was already mortified that I had broken down and actually hit her. I should have withstood her constant goading and regretted it immediately. I tried to comfort her and that's when she says.
What. The. F*ck. So this chick knew she was pregnant and kept cornering people to get them to punch her in the stomach!?!?
I talked to her for a bit after I hit her, trying to comfort her. Despite the rage boiling up in me, I calmed her down and sent her back up to the party. I left and walked home. It was several miles, but worth walking to get away from her.
Now fast forward 1 year from the New Years Eve incident. I haven't spoken to her since. But she posted on Facebook that her (almost year old) baby hasn't been developing normally after going to the doctors.
She wrote on Facebook: "I hope the guy that beat me while I was pregnant can live with himself."
Are you kidding me? I'm sure it had nothing to do with you drinking, smoking cigs and weed? Also, people said they had seen her on acid, but I can't confirm that.
I blocked her on Facebook.
Then fast forward about 2 weeks. It's a small town, things spread. I feel like everywhere I go I am getting weird looks. I ignore it. Then, I go to a bar and she is there. I decide to ignore her and go sit by best friend who is by the bar.
The people she is with come over to me, I am honestly confused as hell at this point. They tell me I need to go. The conversation goes something like this:
Me - "uhhh... what?"
Them - "You need to get out of here now."
Me - "Why?"
Them - "You f*cking get out now before I take you outside and make you bite that damn curb."
To make this story short, this girl turned a large portion of the town against me.
I moved, went back to college, got engaged, got a good job. Am doing fine now. But I HATE going back to my hometown. Absolutely hate it. I take my fiance back and she doesn't understand why I never want to go to any of the bars there.
That girl messed me up with her crazy weirdo bad parenting.
A Firefighter's Tale
I've been a Firefighter for almost 20 years, so I've seen a lot of bad stuff happen to a lot of innocent people - but the bad parent that comes to mind wasn't one that was trying to be a bad parent, they just made a really dumb decision and it ended up killing their child.
It was summer, late afternoon, and we were sent for a "person struck by a vehicle." When we arrived, the patient, a 24-ish year old male, was on the ground in the middle of a large apartment complex access road, and he was being restrained by the ambulance crew.
He had an altered level of consciousness (only responded to painful stimuli), his pupils were blown (or one was dilated and the other pinpoint, I can't remember), and he was combative as hell. He also had blood coming out of both ears, and when we used a 4 X 4 bandage to collect the blood, it showed it contained cerebral spinal fluid.
NOT GOOD SIGNS AT ALL.
As we jumped in to help the ambulance crew, I checked the car nearby for damage and found none. There was an older lady, maybe late 40's, standing next to the vehicle while she was being questioned by a police officer on the scene. Long story short, the patient started crashing fast. He was rushed to the hospital where we later learned he died.
The police officer came over as we were cleaning up the scene and asked "Did you hear what happened?"
Apparently the patient was the woman's son. She was leaving to go to the liquor store and had refused to buy her son beer. He got upset and jumped on her car, laughing, and said something like:
"You're taking me there even if I have to ride out here."
Then, according to her statement, she took off, gradually building up speed. He managed to climb from the hood to the roof where he was laying on his belly, screaming for her to stop, while holding on to the front windshield. She estimated she was going 30 to 40 mph when she slammed on the brakes, shooting him headfirst into the road, killing her son. She apparently couldn't understand that slamming on the breaks like that would stop the car, but not stop him
Ditching The Daughter
We offered to rent a room to a buddy of ours while he was going through his divorce. I walked into the kitchen to find his daughter (7 years old) asking me to feed her because she's hungry. I was the only other person home, so I fed her and called him to see where the hell he was at. He was at the bar... He left his daughter at home, told no one.
The divorce was due to adultery, they've both caught each other a few times and I guess they finally decided to end it. I didn't know the kind of guy he really was, I always had the impression that it was his wife who was holding his family back but it turns out it takes two to tango. He wasn't at the bar getting drunk. He was there chasing the bartender who he later moved into the house without even asking - while jobless and living rent free. The guy was a real POS, and the list of things could just go on and on.
While I do not believe their daughters physical well-being is in jeopardy, she is not being raised in a structured environment and her education is very much on their back burner. Unfortunately giving your child little to no hope for their future is not a crime and there's nothing we can do about that.
Lots of Snow, No Patience
Couple of weeks ago during a huge snowstorm in Montreal I heard a kid crying, probably 9 at night. Look through the window and there's a toddler in a snowsuit trying to trudge through the snow and bawling while his dad was yelling at him to hurry up, then said all his Christmas presents were going in the garbage.
The dad just walked away and left the kid standing there sobbing before coming back and hauling him over his shoulder. Bleh.
I rented a room from a family when I was at college. They were always really harsh with their teenage daughter and super adoring with her older brother.
I had to ask the dad to get rid of the signal jammer they had secretly installed to stop the daughter from being on her phone because I couldn't use my computer or phone (it randomly would kill the wifi signal). What really took the cake was the several hours (3+) that the mother spent yelling at the daughter one day.
It was like she was going through a book of "sh*t not to say to your teenage daughter" and said every thing in there. "You look like a hooker the way you put on your makeup", "you'll never amount to anything", "why can't you be more like your brother", you are fat, stupid, useless, ugly etc. Mom was just totally laying on her. The mother would yell and complain about pretty much anything the daughter did but that was really too far.
This was over ten years ago. I looked for her on Facebook and she's married with a kid and seems happy. It's worth noting she's not connected to her parents on social media.
Tied Up Like A Dog
When working in a box store about 10 years ago, a customer reported to me that they found a kid tied to a clothing rack. The mother had used her child leash to tie up her kid in an isolated corner while she shopped. We untied the kid, took him to my manager, and promptly called the cops.
I was going to pickup take out food around after school time. There was a lady and a small boy around 5-6 standing by the parking lot. The boy was drinking a Coke, when then he turned and tossed it about 15 ft over by a tree. He looked at me, so I said:
"Are you just going to leave that there?"
His mother whipped around and asked me if I was talking to her son. I replied that I was asking him if it was his intention to leave his litter by the tree. She went off about not talking to her child. There was a back and forth for about 15 seconds. Meanwhile the boy realizing he was wrong went to go pick up the can. The mom firmly told him no, but he said it's OK and walked over picked up the can and walked back to his mom.
She snatched it out of his hand and promptly threw it back by the tree. Stared me down and dragged the boy across the street.
Even the kid knew his mother was in the wrong.
Knew a guy in high school whose mom f*cked one of his friends after getting too drunk one night. She also taught him that: "It's easier to ask for forgiveness than permission."
He would have to pick her up from bars from the age of 13 because she was too smashed to drive herself home. Back then I thought she was the coolest, looking back I realized that she was just a terrible mother and a pretty horrible person overall.
She Deserves A Real Adult
Last night I spent two hours in the hospital with a 14 year old girl that tried to kill herself because I know both of her parents are f*ck-ups and couldn't be there for one sh*tty reason or another. But I was there, because she needed someone.
Her mom is a drunk 24/7 and works second shift, hasn't been there as a parent in years, the Dad is on the run from the law and not allowed in the state she lives in. She is one of the smartest and coolest kids ever, it shouldn't have to come to this for her. She deserves a real adult, an actual functioning person in her life.
I think Daddy needs to feel the leather.
I mean, I saw the autopsy report of a 4 year old who was beaten to death with a belt by his father... I'd say that ranks up there.
Humanity is dead!
This young kid (8) would turn up to school with obvious signs of abuse. One day he turned up and his tongue was sticking out of his mouth and his head shaking/bobbing back and forth from brain injury from the beating he got at home and the school just thought he was wrongly medicated. He would always have bruises all over him and lumps on his skull and no one questioned it!! It was a case of severe negligence, not only by his parents, but by the school and everyone who saw the boy. Someone apparently took him to hospital a few times (was it his grandmother or something?) and the hospital staff just brushed it off as "boys will be boys," play type bruises and said maybe he was wrongly medicated (for ADHD). The boy always said "he didn't remember" when people asked him how he hurt himself, turning up with new bruises and cuts every day.
Everyone just said he was clumsy because of ADHD. When he was at his worst - when his head was bobbing back and forth, bruises all over his body, the step father filmed him and showed his colleagues a video of the kid laughing and saying "look at what a wanker he is!!"
Two days later the kid could not even talk and was vomiting all over the place. He fell asleep that night and according to the step father, he went to check on him and he apparently died in his arms or some crap...
The ambulance came and found the kid strangled to death, with bits of paper shoved up his nose. The step father had also waited two hours or something to call the ambulance after he dies. But still claimed to be innocent. When asked about all the bruises everyone just said they didn't know.. Such a f**ked case.
The mother also denied everything and protected her boyfriend. After the step father was convicted, he trashed the grave/burial site of the kid and kicked the tomb stone over etc. This happened EVERY time he got out on parole while waiting for prison time. He denied trashing the grave and denied killing him, but the evidence was overwhelming. The grave just suddenly gets trashed the ONE day you have parole? He also said "the little boy is still f**king up our lives even after he's dead."
How much of an a**hole can you possibly be? 8 years old and neglected by the world. The worst part (perhaps) is that they have two new kids together today. Like ...... cringe. The mother has been interviewed after the case and even in the interviews, she's more pissed at her boyfriend having to be in prison then about the son she lost.
Some parents need a hard smack.
Wife's friend has two kids and a milquetoast husband. Went to the diner where the kids were allowed to climb on furniture, run around and eat as much as they wanted. The boy proceeded to vomit all over the floor a few tables away and ruined some other couple's meal. The parents ignored all of this. Made no effort to correct the kid or even clean up the mess. So much rage. I held it in and calmly informed the wife later that I would not subject myself to their company again. The next time they came to visit my wife, I made damn sure I was working.
Haven't seen them since.
You're a winner lady! Not in the good way!
I know a mother that lets her son basically walk all over her. He yells at her, swears at her, calls her a b**ch to her face, and she always just says yes to him. It is really kinda sad.
My previous downstairs neighbor was a large family, and the youngest kid was like 6 or 7, and 24/7 would be running around stomping his feet, screaming at the top of his lungs, the parents never did anything. What really set it off, is when at about 2am, he turned on the gas on the stove, and then went to bed. I woke up, smelled the gas, and had called the fire department, grabbed my most important stuff (safe of important papers, and my case with my rackmount audio gear, laptop, and studio monitors inn it) and ran outside. After everything is all over with, about 5:30 am, I had class at 8 am, and the mother comes to me yelling at me about calling the fire department.
I have seen a lot of bad parents, but that takes the cake in my opinion.
Kids are not pawns...
Heroine addicts begging at the traffic signal carrying their infants would pinch the child to make it cry louder and tell stories of how they haven't eaten in days and lots of people pay them. They earn enough to keep themselves alive and score their next fix. People have started handing them food instead of money to counter such practices but they still manage to earn enough for their drug expenditure.
You maybe out too early...
I used to work in Gamestation (now known as part of Game in the UK) and I had two scummy parents were at the counter buying a 2nd hand PS2. They had a cute little girl with them maybe 6yrs old or so?
Anyway while they were paying for the console the little girl was tugging on the father's coat because she's picked up some crappy kids game and wants it. After some persistent tugging the dad turns to the kid and yells, "FFS, I'M JUST OUT THE JAIL CAN I NOT HAVE ANYTHING FOR MYSELF?" and shoves the kid out the way.
I was amazed.
My wife's friend had twins the same time as we had our son. They are all 3 years old, 4 in a few months, but you'd think her twins are autistic. They can barely say their names whilst all the other parents in the community can have full conversations with their 3 year olds.
We had a chat with them because they were feeling down about how much more advanced other children were.
Long story short, we find out that they refuse to teach their kids anything. They figure since they pay for daycare that it's day cares job to raise and teach their children. They strongly refuse too. The father said "I'm not teaching my children f**k all, what are those daycare workers paid for. Lazy f**ks!"
On top of that he's a huge pot smoker and smokes a pack a day. We went to their place to find out "he only smokes in the bathroom," the entire place smelt of dope and cigarette and was smoggy.
He genuinely thought he was a good human being for only doing it in the bathroom lol, sigh. Those poor kids.
HOW IS BREEDING LEGAL FOR EVERYONE?!!
My boyfriend's cousin once went on about how nice his 5 year old daughter's a** was.
A** not butt or bum or anything like that, even though that would still be borderline not ok.
He had her young and is obsessed with "getting pu**y." His number one concern when looking for a future girlfriend is that she's as good looking as him.
Dad to the rescue.
I went to go drop my three year old off with her mom. Her mom was in a hurry so she asked me to put our daughter directly into her carseat in her car. When I did I noticed that the car seat was just resting on the seat. Literally not buckled in at all.
I calmly tell her that the seat isn't hooked up. She says it's too hard for her to buckle up. Okay... no biggie. They can be a pain to tighten properly. So I buckle it up like it is supposed to be. After a few minutes I have it nice and tight but it is ever so slightly canted because her seat is old and worn.
This whole time she is getting frustrated because it is taking too long. When I finish she sees that it is slightly crooked and gets pissed because "people will think she's a bad mom" and proceeds to push me out of the way and unbuckle it. Then she loads our daughter into it and speeds away with the car seat literally just resting on the seat.
I guess to some people appearances matter more than safety. I followed her and called the police. Then she tried to say I was stalking her to the police... who saw right through her bull.
Edit: A lot of people are asking if I tried to take custody from her after this. No I didn't- custody was already settled with each of us having her for half of the week. Truth be told she's not a bad mom- she was just really bad in this moment. looking at the bigger picture it wouldn't have been in my daughter's best interest to try and take custody because of this one misjudgment. The ticket, embarrassment and understanding that this is not acceptable behavior was enough.
Who did your homework?
I'm a teacher. There's a very subtle "bad parenting technique" that I see on a daily basis. It's parents covering for their student's mistakes. I have parents email me regularly to find out what the homework is. I have parents literally come to the school and turn in work for their students. I've had parents schedule meetings with the administration to dispute a student's exam grade (on a multiple choice test). While this may help a student's grade for a week, it cripples any future that he or she might have. Many of my students cannot rely on themselves or their own faculties to complete an assignment. They absolutely must have parental support. It makes me very worried for their college-career-life readiness.
Remember way back when the internet wasn't a flaming dumpster fire?
Yeah, us either.
The internet has always been a mess, but it's also always been beautiful.
It connects people, ideas, senses or humor, creativity! Yes, we've got our fair share of deviants, murderers, and trashbag people, but we've also got decades of wonder to celebrate.
Newbies like to think using the internet for awesomeness is something they came up with, but the old heads are here to tell you the internet has ALWAYS been a complicated crash course in the coolest stuff ever.
So let's hop in the wayback machine and get our nostalgia on.
Reddit user ransom0374 asked:
"What do you miss from early internet times?"
So let's take that walk down memory lane, or if you're new-ish here on planet Earth, this is going to be a fun little "history" lesson.
If you're uncertain where you fall, here's a test:
"Badger, Badger, Badger, Badger..."
If you finished the song, you're probably going to remember quite a few of these...
"AIM away messages saying stupid stuff like 'BRB going to get some bagel bites.' "
"Don't forget to update your personal profile with Blink 182 lyrics and the initials of your school sweetheart and some ASCII. Browse for a new inappropriate buddy icon and strike up a convo with SmarterChild"Giphy
"I miss the wild unknown frontier that the internet was."
"It seemed there was so much discovery to be had on the internet, and if you were good at the internet everyone thought of you as 'Hackerman' and you were like a God amongst your peers."
"It seems like there isn't anything 'new' on the internet anymore. No discoveries to be made."Giphy
The Irony Is Not Lost On Us
"Variety. There's a popular tweet that says something like 'the internet has turned into four websites where on each one people share screenshots of the other three.' "
"I miss when you could search a term and there would be dozens of sites dedicated to it or forums especially for it. Now it's just ads, Wikipedia, and Reddit."
"Oh, and not having ads shoved down your throat every time you search a term or navigate to a page!"
"I know there were pop ups and banners, which weren't any better. But there was a sweet spot."
"There was a few years there where you could Google something and half the first page WASN'T sponsored ads that had nothing to do with what you looked up. And you could go to a website and it DIDN'T block the page with a full screen ad asking for your email to join their mailing list or save 10% on their merchandise."Giphy
Figuring It Out
"That all the webpages were just random people trying to figure out HTML."
"There really wasn't a corporate presence at all. It was just a place for people to experiment."
"You could click on a button and make a cardboard hand wave at someone's cats. You could dispense a coke from a machine in some dorm. It was dumb and fun."Giphy
"The learning was endless."
"There were almost an infinite source of information from all over the world. If you wanted to find something all you had to do was search for it in Ask Jeeves or whatever and you'd find any website that had ever mentioned that thing."
"There were more than 10 different websites. And at least it didn't feel like I was being forced to sign up for a subscription after every click."
"There were so many fun, cute stores to shop. Now it feels like everyone dresses and decorates the same."
"I miss a lot of things about the early internet. I'm probably wrong, but it just felt safer than it does now?"Giphy
"I was in my late teens when the internet was becoming accessible to everyone. Our one household computer was in the kitchen & facing in a way so anyone coming in could see your screen."
"I remember looking at someone's website and my Dad passing by to get something to eat, asking me if the person on the website was my friend."
"I miss those old days! The internet seemed endless & friendly."Giphy
A Base Level For Participation
"Most people were smart."
"In the early days (by far) most people on the internet were in college, either as a teacher or student. Beyond that, people had to to be in a lab or make their computer talk to a connected computer which was not so easy in the old days."
"It acted as a sort of intelligence barrier one needed clear to participate in internet things."
"Higher barrier to entry."
"I remember the fond days of SLIP and Trumpet Winsock when you had to know at least a little about tech to get on and participate."
"There was still stupidity, but it just wasn't as loud as it is now."
"In the very very early days, pre-AOL, you needed skill and knowledge to get online."
"Then AOL came onto the scene an d anyone could get online at the push of a button."Giphy
Go Away Now
"I miss when what happened on the internet, stayed on the internet."
"You could turn off the beige box and go about the rest of your day without it affecting you."
"The fact that is only existed on a big computer in the house, as long as no-one was on the phone. It wasn't some all-encompassing thing."
"The internet not following me around. When you logged off, you effectively put the internet away."Giphy
It Used To Be...
"How people used to treat it."
"The internet was not just a novelty, but an amazing piece of technology that let anyone share anything. It was so wholesome and loving, with everyone still being amazed at what we could do now."
"Now? There's so many websites that are designed to make you angry and radicalize your beliefs. It's quantity over quality."
"There was a time when nobody on Reddit shared politics, when Facebook was for socializing, when YouTube was where people uploaded stuff they were passionate about."Giphy
We Used To Love Yahoo
"I can't remember what it was called, but Yahoo had this great music video program where it showed popular artists, and some very unknown folks."
"I discovered some of my favorite artists having it play in the background all the time."
"Launchcast/Yahoo Radio. It was revolutionary for music streaming and the 1-5 star system worked really well. I preferred it over Pandora's up/down system."Giphy
On a personal level, I want to go on record and say MusicMatch was the greatest music program in the history of life.
It just was.
I will die on this hill.
It was dopeness in all forms. MusicMatch Jukebox? Dope. Yahoo MusicMatch? Dope.
So what relics from Ye Olde Internet are you passionate about? Sound off in the comments!
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Never miss another big, odd, funny or heartbreaking moment again.
No one wants war.
Who is going to light the powder keg and set it all off?
Which country will start WW3? Why?
Does anyone really want to start another world war?
They may not have a choice in the matter.
Getting It Out Of The Way Early
"Austrian here, we will do it again probably, I would like to say sorry in advance! Most plausible reason at the moment is because Germans eat schnitzel with sauce on top, then this conflict will spiral out again into WW3."
"Third time's the charm!"
-Some Austrian, probably
Civil War 2: Electric Boogaloo
"It'll be a civil war that devolves into a world war, with no one country clearly responsible for this change."
"But we'll blame it all on germany again, right"
Why I Oughtta...
"At this point, there are enough nukes in the world to ensure that a World War would simply result in nuclear annihilation on all sides. Say what you want about authoritarians like Xi Jinping, Kim Jung Un, and Ali Khameni, they are many things; but they're not suicidal. They know that an all out war would just end everyone, including them, so they're not going to. This is why the US and the USSR never went to all out war, despite coming close a few times; the risks were just too great for both sides."
"What could easily happen, however, is another cold war, this time between the US and China. And like in the Cold War, there could be proxy wars fought as a result of it, but it's unlikely that any country will take the insane risks of starting World War 3."
A full-blown world war is a tricky thing to get off the ground, that is if anyone wants it. The leading cause to impending war could come out of nowhere, or somewhere completely unexpected, or perhaps it will never come.
2-Day War Delivery
"Bruh its gunna be Amazon, not a country"
"Jeff Bezos finna be dropping Amazon basics nukes on us"
Can It Even Happen?
"I don't think the world can handle another world war. simply for the sake that we're all so interconnected. every major nation trades with each other and are in bed with each other. I would be a detriment to whatever country starts a war."
"Think about how the global supply chain has been impacted by the pandemic, the world would probably cease to function all together in a major conflict."
"There was a quote I liked, I think it was from Dan Carlin. He said that leading up to WWI Europe had become too economically entwined to go to war with itself, but none of the economists were invited to the war councils. The generals making the decisions didn't understand the situation so they made dumb decisions. The situation is undoubtably more-so interconnected today, the question is, do we have economists making the call on starting wars?"
A Little Humor Before We Get To The Serious Stuff...
"Probably America, I mean they made Wonder Woman 1 & 2, so highly likely they'd make WW3. At least start it. Not sure why someone else would finish it."
"No, they don't know how to count.. They jumped from WW1 to WW84."
Is it in the realm of possibility? Possibly.
After all, people will be people.
Anyone Else Surprised? No?
"America have a surplus of military might, a recent history of starting wars for profit, EVERYTHING is politicised and extreme nationalism and xenophobia are normalised within the populace. I'm going with them."
These All Feel Tangible
"My guesses would be 1) USA vs China over Taiwan or 2) China vs India (a lot on tension there that doesn't get a lot of news attention)"
"India-Pakistan and China-India are hot beds."
"India and Pakistan have been at war numerous times since their inception. 5 'official' wars and 9 minor skirmishes, to be exact. The last conflict ended with a ceasefire in 2003, but the last incident was a series of skirmishes along the Line of Control in Kashmir, from November 2020 to February 2021."
"Neither is capable of a full-fledged invasion of the other, so it's limited to border disputes. And while Pakistan does have nukes, it would be suicide to use them. There's no incentive for any other countries to get involved."
Going For It
"China making a move on Taiwan or some other land grab in India or other bordering countries."
An Infectious Idea
"India and Pakistan. It will spread to China, then North Korea (or North Korea first) and pull in many others in Asia. This will pull in NATO, either directly or via global partners (Australia)."
This One Makes WAY Too Much Sense
"Twitter. Someone will probably make a typo that everyone takes the wrong way..."
Well, what do you think could happen? Let us know in the comments.
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So let's talk about how a dog owner on Facebook learned her dog's "adorable" behavior was, in fact, furious masturbation.
Readers, if you know anything about me you know I love a good plot twist and I love chonky puppers.
Yesterday, life combined my two great loves in a hilarious and inappropriate way.
I was mindlessly scrolling through my dog groups on Facebook when a video with a few hundred laugh reacts but almost no comments caught my eye.
The still from the video was a pudgy little Frenchie, so obviously I had to read and watch.
The dogs owner shared the video along with a post asking professionals to shed some light on why he does what he does.
Owner-obliviousness as they gushed about how adorable it was made the awkward even better.
The owner explained the Frenchie often makes aggressive eye contact and licks his lips while he "plays air guitar"—which is what the family calls it—and how cute & funny they all find the behavior.
The video was the dog, casually chilling, using his paw to rub the tip of his penis while staring awkwardly at the camera and licking his lips like a pup possessed.
Three hundred and fifteen laugh-reacts—at the time that I saw it—and only three comments:
1. a vet explaining that the behavior showed in the video was the dog masturbating while making direct eye contact
2. the owner giving a simple "thank you" and
3. the admins of the group closing the comments.
So, why am I sharing this with you?
Because Reddit user Drakmamman asked:
"Dog owners of reddit, what the dog doin?"
... and so now you get this whole article just so I had an excuse to tell y'all about a furiously fapping Frenchie, 'cause somebody else needed to know about him.
I cackled for a good 20 minutes imagining the family getting all giddy about their dog "playing air guitar"—making the little air guitar meedly squeedly noises while he played, maybe even playing along thinking they're enjoying a fun little game—but they're really just been giving a hair metal soundtrack to their dogs stroke sesh.
Something tells me now the owner knows what "air guitar" really is, they're not likely to rush and tell Reddit all about how they've been gathering as a family to watch cause it's just so cute.
That's what I'm here for.
Anyway, here's the stuff other people's dogs are up to. It's not fapping—or if it is, the owners aren't telling Reddit.
"Wife just came home with the baby. Dog is acting like she's been abandoned for years running up and down, barking and jumping on everything."
"They'd only been out an hour and I was with her the whole time." - Single_Goose7015
"My dog does this too when my wife comes home. Like what am I, chopped liver?" - jackof47trades
"I feel your pain. My dog started howling mournfully when my partner went back to work last week… I was right there!" - TreatOutside
"Staring at the door waiting for the only human he cares about to come home (obviously not me)" - SnarkyRedhead
"Probably trying to herd the cats."
"He's a border collie mix who's afraid of goats and sheep, but even after six years of living with them he still thinks he can control where the cats go."
"He's a good boy, he's very persistent, but not terribly bright sometimes." - TokesNotHigh
"After 8 years our border collie still herds the cats, and the vacuum." - psychologicaluse28
"Big heart, small brain. I have one of those dogs too. They are the sweetest." - Technobucket
"She has flung herself flat across the bed and is playing dead, quiet except for the occasional pitiful whine. Every now and then she lifts her head up and fixes a desperate look upon me, silently begging for release from her wretched existence."
"She's a bit overdramatic about having to wear a cone. The issue is an abrasion on a toe that she won't stop licking, which is making it worse."
"I've been alternating between bandaging it and having her wear a cone. She's been consistently a drama queen." - halfinboxes
"Staring at me because their dinner time is in one hour and they need to start letting me know that, in an hour, they need to eat...in an hour, so I better not forget...cuz they're hungry, which is why they're staring at me...and it's almost dinner time."
"Just one more hour, And they want to make sure I don't forget. Because maybe I will."
"So, they need to remind me. By staring at me. Every day. One hour before dinner." - MotherOfFred
A Little "Light" ExerciseGiphy
"Mine loves light reflected off watches or phones. And loves lasers."
"It's sunny and he sees light on the wall so he is bothering me to use my watch or phone so he can chase the light. I've spent the last hour doing it."
"I even got him a cat laser toy that's automatic for him and he runs himself tired as all hell with it. But he is STILL asking for it."
"Used the laser toy also too, so he is panting dripping tongue and still wants to play more..." - boomgoon
"Last night my dogs chased down and killed a rabbit in the backyard. They are usually so gentle; this was weird and unexpected."
"I watched the whole thing helpless because it was so fast. The rabbit screamed, it was insane."
"Now, I'm watching them sleep on my couch and can't help but think they just murdered someone."
"They are just vicious predators, right here, in my house. On my couch."
"But they snuggly as f*ck. This trips me out." - Atheist_Redditor
A Problematic PrincessGiphy
"We have two chihuahuas. One is a 15 year old (quite appropriately) named Princess and one is a one year old named Charlie."
"Both have their own dog beds on the couch since they are spoiled."
"When Princess is feeling particularly moody or like asserting her dominance, she will drag Charlie's bed into her bed and lay on top of BOTH of them and snarl at him if he comes close to her personal space bubble/bed mountain."
"And when we tell her she can't have both beds and put his bed back to the side, she just glares at us. Lol." - mslm90
"She's currently in her cage resting after her great adventure."
"She managed to get upstairs and grab a hold of one of my shoes. Not just any old shoe, but one of the shoes I am planning to wear this weekend for my wedding."
"After running around, she dropped the shoe to chew on a shirt - at which point she was cornered, and then brought downstairs."
"Pup and shoe are both unharmed and doing well. My nerves, not so much." - still_interesting23
So ... what's YOUR dog been up to lately?
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Have you ever fantasized about what it would be like to win the lottery? Having money for the rest of your life, as far as the eye can see, to cover your expenses.
And have you thought about all the things you would buy if you could really afford them? Are they ALL practical things, or are some of them silly?
We always love to fantasize about what life would be like if money were no object. And you are not alone!
Redditor OnlyVillager asked:
"If you won the lottery, what's something 'useless' that you would buy?"
Here were some of those answers.
I Be The Witch Of The Wood
"My teenage daughter disclosed to me the other day that her biggest life goal is to buy a house on an acreage that has a large wooded area."
"She plans to build me a house in the woods, fund whatever ridiculous bullsh*t art installations I want to erect in the woods, then spread rumors in neighboring towns that a witch lives back there."
"She's the best."-OpossumJesusHasRisen
My Kingdom For A Castle
"I'm blowing it all on a castle. No, not one of those fairy tale mansions from the 19th century robber barons called 'castles'.
"A fully loaded, honest-to-god, obsolete, medieval fortress. Two curtain walls, a keep, towers, barbican, portcullis, murderholes, loopholes, machicolations, the works. It'll be a well warmed summer retreat/place to hide out if another plague hits the world."
"I'm buying Au Train island in the Upper Peninsula to be specific. When the feds finally come after billionaires to pay their fair share, I'm running to my island and sealing the gates behind me."
"So I can get my affairs in order and pay my taxes. What were you thinking I was gonna do? Hide from the IRS? They can breach any castle lmao."-DaemonTheRoguePrince
I Wanna Be A Billionaire
- "I want a cold water dispenser on my desk. It has to be connected to the water line, filtered and cooled. Ideally it also has that thing that automatically knows when the container is almost full."
- "My new lifestyle would be to live 4 weeks in a different city, then 1 week at home. In each city, I would stay in a Luxury Airbnb or a five star hotel."
- "I would hire a professional soccer coach. I'm talking someone that trains pro players. I'm Arab and I'm tired of not being good at soccer, just a few months of lessons and I'll be able to participate in pick up games and have fun."
- "I would also hire singing, guitar and piano instructors. Singing would be the toughest because my voice sucks, but I figure with time I can be good enough to sing a song if I want to reference it. That's how bad I am today."-Reformedjerk
Imagine just not having to think when you click the "purchase" button.
A Nice Siesta
"Maybe not exactly "useless" in the way people are thinking (the way the question is asked makes me think by "useless" they mean "stupid/wasteful" but I'm thinking in terms of things that are fun and only for the purpose of having fun), but do vacations count?"
"If I had that much money all to myself, I would 100% rather have a regular sized house/car and spend the money on experiences instead."
"The idea of having a normal life but knowing that I can just decide to take the day off and go to DisneyLand or treat myself to a fancy dinner whenever the hell I want to is a fantasy I've had since I was literally a little kid."
"I get that those aren't useful things because they're not things I could USE like a car/house/purse/etc, but I'd definitely be happy:)"-StreetIndependence62
"Well this stuff is only useless if there isn't some sort of apocalyptic event that happens in my lifetime."
"That said, I'd go full prepper and bury myself a bunker in the desert with tons of food and water stored away and decked out with solar panels, a garage full of electric cars, and a stash of every sort of modern electronic equipment available in vast quantities."
"So this would be a huge waste of money if there's never an apocalypse. But it would be very valuable to me if there happens to be one."-TimHawks1983
"I have always wanted a talking toilet. I don't even know why at this point. I just saw it on a tv show, don't even remember what, and since that day I have thought 'yes, I want this.'"
"But right now, with my paupers wage, I cannot afford such a thing. I have a lot of serious plans for lottery level money. I would open a shelter for homeless people and start my own dog shelter. As well as my own theme park."
"But I would still get a talking toilet."-MagnificentColossus
Put Your Bird On My Shoulder
"I would get into falconry, vintage guitars from the 50s and 60s, a live in Cook, most of the surfaces that I touch would be marble, and I would save a significant portion of my money to split between investments and gambling on riskier stocks."
"Depending on how much money a private jet would be in the cards as well as a flight license. This is one of my favorite things to daydream about"-freemason777
The best part of all of this is, it doesn't matter that these things are useless.
They bring us joy, and that is what matters.
"Boring" "Flame Thrower"???
"Definitely a boring company flame thrower. And a Barrett M82."
"Probably a supercar too, but not to drive it. I want to light it on fire in a public space as an appeal to consumerism right before I go take a private jet to Nappa Valley to eat at the French Laundry and get hammered on the most expensive bottles of wine I can find."-xdylanxfrommyspace
"There are many things I bought that I regretted it immediately. I love to try new stuff. Especially no-brand or brand that is not famous. My curiosity is very high, that is the problem."
"I wanted to know whether those products are okay for human being. For example, I bought BioAqua face products. The most product I regret is BioAqua aloe vera. After my third use of the product, I actually experience worst allergic in the world."
"My skin had a lot of red patches appeared in just few hours. It was itchy but not painful. Just I keep scratching my skin but I tried my best to control it."
"It took about three - five days to keep it clear with medication and creams. Then after a couple of weeks, I decided to use it again. I got the reaction."
"Thankfully, I still have the medication and the cream. So, I took it immediately. I also did not apply the cream that much compared to previous time."
"I still have the aloe vera bottle in my room. I wanted to throw it but I could not throw it. Yet, I cannot use it and yes, I feel sad when I saw it. So, you can understand how I feel."-nimbledealing53
Hobby Hobby Hobby!
"If I won the lottery - I would open a shop for my favorite hobby. I would manage it like a business, giving a decent wage to several workers allowing them to pursue a degree or whatever and have a job that doesn't suck."
"I'd lose money on running a store. But I'd enjoy it. I'd enjoy sharing my hobby, selling the stuff I love at reasonable prices and giving a few young people a good job in a stress free environment."
"Useless store, great life experience for the people I'd employ."-Dealthagar
Money doesn't solve all of the world's problems or all of a person's problems, even—but it certainly does make life a little easier here and there for those who need it.
Hopefully the 21st century sees all of us buying things with our millions of dollars.
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