We all have those days when we wake up, gaze at the time on our phone, take in the sun outside, then whisper in our heads, "Not today."
What do you do, though? Your body is perfectly able to head to work or school and perform the functions required of you? Call in sick? No way, you might think. Your boss/professor will see/hear right through you. If only there was a better way...
That's what the Internet's for.
Reddit user, u/YourAverageReddit0r, must have wanted to know how to get out of work tomorrow when they asked:
It's All In The Timing
If you hang your head off of your bed upside down you will sound very congested!
Related to this - call right after you wake up. Don't get out of bed, don't say anything before the call. Gives you that nice froggy morning voice. My mom taught me this one.
Imagination Is A Powerful Thing
Anything diarrhea-related will get it done
Just say "I can't leave the bathroom." Let their imagination fill in the rest.
A Lot Of Work When All You Need To Do Is Study
When I was about 11, I didn't want to go to school cause I knew that there would be a test the next day. So I pretended that I feel sick the night before, and the nex morning set the alarm before my mom woke up. I put my hands close to the heat, then to my forehead, and when she checked on me, I said I think I have fever. She let me stay home for that day.
The next day I went to school and found out that the day of the test had been moved to today from my "sick-day" from the day before. I got a D.
A Glass Cannon Excuse
I once called in and said "I can't make it today, I have eye trouble"
"Really? What's wrong?"
" I just can't see me coming to work today"
" Okay, that's actually funny, but it will only work this one time, see you tomorrow"
Plant The Seeds Ahead Of Time
You have to set it up the day before...say you aren't feeling great a little before you leave. Also, if you can come in for just an hour or two and then say you tried but just can't do it that looks really good.
This. You have to make it look like you are coming down with something. Randomly being sick with something one day then fine the next looks suspicious. I would also advise only calling in sick on Mondays and Fridays when it is legit. A lot of people use a fake illness to get a 3 day weekend. Fewer people value getting a Tuesday - Thursday off.
When I fake sick, I usually stay up late on a Tuesday night, so I seem lethargic on Wednesday. If people ask about it, I tell them I'm feeling under the weather and I'm sure it's nothing. (Establish an alibi and that you aren't thinking about taking time off, but don't overdo it) the later in the day, the sicker you should act (within reason). I usually like to leave an hour early on Wednesday if I can. If you've spoken with enough people / the right people, they may even recommend it. Then come Thursday morning, it's really quite natural to take a sick day. Once Friday rolls around, act pretty normal, just be a little slower than normal. When you talk to people, tell them that you're feeling better than yesterday and that you will try to rest up this weekend. Your goal should be to gain sympathy. Because it's Friday, (and I'm still recovering from "being sick") I usually will leave an hour early on Friday. Usually no one will care, as you're recovering from some sickness (I generally a flu like bug, General weakness, achy/feverish, and stomach pain).
Big picture is for you to gain sympathy and make it look like you are trying to be committed to work. Working while you are sick makes you seem more committed to the company and will help you gain rapport for the next time you want to take a day off. I like to spread my "sick days" out. Try not to take more than one a month.
Next time you're sick, be sure to pay attention to the symptoms and the progression of things, use that next time you're planning a day off.
Don't Revisit That Well Too Often
Don't fake sick often, because it will become obvious you're faking it and then no one will believe you when you're actually sick
Ah, the boy who cried diarrhea
See, that story doesn't make sense.
No matter how many times that you scream about being attacked by a wolf, your mom is always going to come running.
Differences In Gender
When I had a male boss I could just say 'cramps' and there would be no further questions.
Now I say migraine.
People Can't Questions What They Can't See
Migraine! Only lasts a day or two, no outward symptoms to fake.
Especially ocular migraine. Can't work through the pain because you can't see.
People Explain Activities They've Added To Their Post-Pandemic Bucket List | George Takei’s Oh MyyyWhile we've all been cooped up for the better part of two years, many of us have been dreaming up exciting plans for the future. Maybe it's finally time to s...
Keep It Simple
Do people really feel like they have to explain their symptoms to their boss? I just say I'm not feeling well and leave it at that.
I have been a manager for around ten years and I tell my staff if you aren't coming in just tell me you arent coming in.
I dont want to hear about your cat getting out or your grandma dying or your crippling diarrhea.
90% of callouts still involve some long winded explanation. STAHHP.
Seriously. K.I.S.S. (Keep It Simple Stupid)
Don't bother with a lot of explanation. I know my employees are faking when they spend a bunch of time on backstory and details.
"Listen, boss, I can't make it in today. Last night, at precisely 6:33 pm, I ate one dozen oysters at Captain Ken's Seafood Barn. I e-mailed you their most recent health inspection report, on which you'll note that their raw items were stored at an unsafe cold holding temperature. I also have a signed affidavit from the waiter who remarked that 'they smell a little off, but they're probably okay'. At 9:55 pm, I urgently needed to move my bowels, and did so. My stool was quite loose, similar to a Duncan Hines cake batter, but a bit grittier, so maybe closer to the store brand cake batter.
Further bowel movements were produced throughout the night, of gradually runnier consistency. Bowel movements of this nature are expected to continue throughout the day, during which, I will provide detailed updates of their viscosity, which I hope will increase until this evening, so that I will be well enough to work tomorrow without frequent interruptions for emergency bowel movements. So sorry :( bye."
Being rich looks fabulous.
I know, money isn't everything.
I've seen the super rich literally throw money away, because they could.
They never see it as waste.
I want to be able to waste.
I wouldn't, but I'd like the option.
"What do insanely rich people buy that poor people have no idea about?"
I would spend on clothes. And I already have a lot. I can't help it. Gimme...
Vroomdriving fast and furious GIFGiphy
"On staff mechanics. People see the Floyd Mayweathers and Tom Cruises of the world buying tons of cars and motorcycles, but when you have a fleet like that, you basically need on staff mechanics who at the very least keep your cars clean, but also handle all maintenance."
"An acquaintance of mine is one of six pilots 'on retainer' for a wealthy family."
"I have a buddy pulling in nearly 200k as a chief pilot for a crew of 4 pilots for a billionaire family. They fly far less than your average commercial pilot and he’s in his mid 30s. We live in the south, where you can live like a king on 200k."
"Access. Need to call a governor? He's on speed dial and will phone the senators too. Need to talk to the CEO of Coca Cola... he's waiting for you and immediately assigns someone to fix your problem. Do you want to yacht around the horn of Africa? The closest naval fleet will tell you the safest route and provide 'support' so pirates don't mess with you."
"I own a company and by nature interact with a lot of billionaires and CEO's. I'm by no means rich but hang in the circle enough that I've e-mailed CEO's of fortune 500's and they've hooked me up with huge 'free' things as a small perk or thank you."
"I've been PAID to fly places just to have a 1 hour meeting and then get a free VIP week long vacation with the mayor or consulate showing me around. It's trippy and I've never really felt at home, but I've been eternally grateful for these travel opportunities."
"Support ships for your mega-yacht. The biggest yachts don't travel alone, they generally have small cargo ships that do everything from house additional staff, to transport your cars so you always have them when you make port, to holding all of your toys (helicopters, submarines, day-boats, etc.). They'll often travel a day or two ahead of the yacht to a destination so that your staff can unload your things (cars, clothing, etc.) at the next villa you're summering in."
Get back...love and hip hop goodbye GIF by VH1Giphy
"Isolation from poor people. Rich people spend a lot of money to make sure that poor people can't get anywhere near them."
Rich people are funny. And clearly a bit rude...
Doubles...Squad Reaction GIF by Rodney DangerfieldGiphy
"Cloning pets, one of our investors spent ~$100K cloning his dog."
"There are membership-based vacation clubs. Similar to high-end country clubs, but for travel. You may pay a one-time initiation fee that can be upwards of $100k - $250k to get 5-10 years of access to purchase incredibly exclusive vacation/resort/rental property experiences. I work in the travel industry and I know of multiple companies like this."
The Expensive Skies
"I work in the film industry and one time I booked a trip for someone to fly from London to California for a weekend and it cost more than my yearly salary. This was 2010, and it was $35,000 for first class airfare, private car, & hotel, because they realized Friday morning that based on his contract that he needed to be present while the film was being finished that weekend, and his contract specified he accommodations needed to be first class/5-star hotel, etc.I accidentally had an extra "0" it was $35k, which is $10k more than what the studio was paying executive assistants at the time..."
"It's called kidnap and ransom insurance. K&R and it includes training so that you know what to do in a hostage situation. It also includes a trained response team. The statistics on this stuff was/is nasty. Your chance of survival with insurance is about 60%. Without it you're closer to 0%."
And popcorn?Movie Theater Reaction GIF by CBSGiphy
"There is a streaming service that's pretty much Netflix for rich people, allowing you to stream current cinematic movies for about 3,000 bucks a pop."
Oh to be rich and fabulous. Gimme the coins.
Don't you hate it when you get deceived by something pretty?
Like... "fooled you."
Those are the thoughts you get when you grab a rose and a bee jumps out and stings you.
Every group or community has its bees.
Or the more you learn about said groups you realize it's one big beehive.
Nothing is ever really the same from the outside in.
"What community seems really nice from the outside, but is actually really toxic?"
Every group has soulless people among them. It's all in the numbers.
Not so ChillScared Spider Web GIF by XboxGiphy
"Minecraft community, especially twitter. Minecraft is like the chillest game ever but the people who are into Minecraft youtube stuff are a whole new level of deranged."
"Crunchy mums/hippie mums/gentle parenting groups. They seem lovely, but it typically winds up being a judgemental pissing contest over who is the best parent in the world."
"As a gentle parenting and somewhat crunchy mom I can't fit into these groups either. Inevitably there's a crunchy mom who believes sunshine and vitamin c cure covid, or a hippy mom who wants to organize a protest at chic-fi-la, but most of them just talk trash about everybody that's different from them."
"ALL Christians are bad (I'm an atheist and I know plenty of lovely Christians). I don't get why people have to be so black and white like that. I will say that I can't deal with moms being sh*tty to their kids by either yelling or being manipulative assholes so I will leave a group if that behavior is being condoned. Guess that's where my judgment comes in... verbal, mental or physical abuse are not my things."
"Cosplay and it's not even close!"
I love making cosplays and wearing them, but last time I went to a convention, I realized I'd just become too old for the 'cosplay scene.'"
"I literally don't care that X broke up with Y so Z and W got into a fight because they sided with different people but Z and W had a matching cosplay planned and now V has taken W's place in making the cosplay and X made a group chat to mock V's cosplays and... like Jesus, it never stops. I just want to dress up as Jinx and take pictures. Leave me out of your teenage drama."
"Body positive community has some surprisingly negative people. My friend who at some point lost a lot of weight and got into exercising realized she was no longer welcome there. Not because she tried to tell other people to lose weight or started sharing dieting tips, but because her experience with obesity and her body did not match the preferred narrative."
Yeah RightIncredulous Yeah Right GIF by Nick CannonGiphy
"Any workplace that describes itself as 'like a family.'"
"What they really mean is the Manson family."
That workplace one is a golden rule of life.
"Chemistry enthusiasts. It's all reaction videos involving highly toxic substances."
"It boils down to being a pretty caustic community. Not sure if there is a solution before it implodes."
"The yoga/wellness scene. the pandemic was actually kinda handy at showing you which yoga teachers to stay the hell away from. The big things are of course, the anti-scientific views on medicine, but it’s also a breeding ground for cult leaders and grifters."
"I agree! It’s so unfortunate because I love yoga, but so many instructors (in the western world I suppose) are awful. My least favorite is when I feel like I’m being given a stern lecture on vulnerability lmao."
"If the community stayed true to their original purpose, to quit porn, it wouldn't be toxic at all. But I'd say there are a lot of extremist people there, like people who say masturbation is evil and you must be fully abstinent unless you get a one night stand with a 10/10 because you did X number of days, or just plain conspiracies about the whole world view. The problem is this kind of posts never get removed."
"The Kpop community? They be like heeeyyyy come enjoy this and the next minute tear you apart because you didn’t pick their favorite member."
"Yess! especially the whole locals things. when people that aren't into Kpop find a song that they like, people will tear them apart for listening to Kpop, telling them to name all the members of a group (obvi not talking about those weird thirst traps made by TikTokers)."
IntenseSuper Mario Mate GIFGiphy
"For whatever God forsaken reason, Paper Mario. I have gotten more death threats from Paper Mario fans than any other Fandom. I posted about it maybe three times, max. About how I liked the games, specifically."
"Mario fandom is freaking intense. Critikal made a video about huge fight in YouTube comments that started with which Mario song is better."
Not everybody is a good person, even when it looks like they are.
Have you ever wished you could pee a different liquid?
Well, just give it some thought.
What if you could urinate something which could actually help others, or something which could ease your financial burdens, akin to the goose who laid the golden eggs?
Then too, what if you could change things up, and pee something a bit more interesting than the customary pale yellow urine we currently produce?
Redditor aggles_N533PA encouraged the Reddit community to allow their imaginations to go wild, when they took to Reddit to ask:
"If you have the ability pee whatever liquid you want, what would you like to pee?"
"Horseshoe crab blood."- Outnabout3535325
Just the simple stuff
Saves money, and could put an end to drilling!
"If it did not hurt, I would be peeing pure gasoline."- Tink2013
"Ethanol so I could piss in my pants and it would go dry again after like a minute."- xaomawgas gasoline GIFGiphy
Two birds, one stone!
"Toilet cleaner."- Loriol_13
"Not literally liquid gold, but the wood cleaning spray."- PoopMuffin5
To quench one's thirst
"Baja Blast Mountain Dew."- weavejer261·do the dew GIFGiphy
"A million more wishes."- johntwoods
Saves a trip to Staples!
"Undie dribbles could be a problem though."- MadMikey6
"One of the most expensive things in the planet."
"If not having to be real, then fountain of youth water so I could be young forever."- Catshannonrainbow hp GIF by Anthony AntonellisGiphy
It's a very interesting idea, that urinating could actually accomplish more than relieving oneself.
Even if this might also require some alternatives to conventional toilets...
There's little more restorative than going on a hike.
Escaping from the hustle and flow, and enjoying the peaceful serenity of nature, and taking in all the beauty around you.
But every now and then, hikers may stumble across something a bit unsettling, even scary.
Making them want to return to civilization all the sooner.
Redditor purple_loves_bread was eager to hear about the creepiest discoveries made by experienced hikers while on the trail, leading them to ask:
"Hikers of Reddit, what's the weirdest/scariest thing you've found/seen during a hike?"
How did it even get there?
"A dolphin skeleton 50 meters from the water on a trail in Costa Rica."- argenntinosaurus
An unwanted visitor
"On a backpacking trip in the Sierra Mountains in California, my buddy forgot to put his toothpaste in the bear bag, which is a bag you put all food and aromatic items in to hang from a tree branch at night so the bears won't eat it."
"At about 2 a.m., we hear him yelling and get up to find a huge black bear on top of him in his tent trying to get at the toothpaste."
"The rest of us had to bang pans and throw rocks to get the bear to leave him alone."- The_Spyrebbc one bear GIF by BBCGiphy
Literal grave robbers
"Hiking in Vermont."
"Saw a bright red shirt hanging in a tree off the trail, so I went to check it out."
"Saw a couple of freshly dug graves and a few really old headstones."
"Reported it - turns out it was someone stealing headstones from a local graveyard and relocating them."
"Don't know if they were stealing the bodies, too."- GravityoftheMoon
Improper hiking attire
"Me, my old roommate and a friend went hiking into the woods in Tennessee."
'We were going along minding our own business, then we came up on a stream."
"On the other side of the stream, getting ready to cross, was a group of about 5 or 6 dudes only wearing socks and shoes."
"Naked bros hiking in the woods."
"I'm all about being in your birthday suit or whatever, but it was weird seeing it for the first time and apparently its a thing."- BungJovi
Witness to a massacre
"I stumbled on a poaching dump when I was 14."
"I used to hike trails near our home, way out in the woods."
"I'd explore, and then have to find my way back without a compass."
"I went really far one day, probably 2-3 miles through these old logging trails."
"I started smelling something terrible."
"There was a rocky outcrop right before a steep cliff."
"At the bottom of the cliff, there was a massive pile of dead deer, most were decapitated."
"Some were fawns."
"Had to have been 20-30 of them at varying states of decay."
"The stench was mind-alteringly bad."
"When I thought I had seen enough, I heard 4-wheelers and decided to hide."
"Two poachers in camo rolled up and tossed two more deer carcasses on the pile."
"They smoked, talked, and then left after about 10 minutes."
"I was probably 15 feet from them the entire time, hiding under a hemlock tree."
"I did not recognize either of them, and I knew absolutely everyone on that entire side of town, it was only 15-20 houses in a 5 mile stretch."
"I ran home and told my parents."
"They didn't believe me."
"Plus, they didn't know I was running off to those trails, so I got in huge trouble for that."
"I mentioned it to our neighbor who was big into hunting, he seemed very concerned and brought it up to the game warden."
"They investigated it, found the dump site, but never caught anybody."
"I am 100% certain it was not my neighbor." - User Deleted
Up close and personal with nature's beasts
"Mountain lion came very close to me."
"It didn't seem aggressive but it was curious."
"After a few minutes of us staring at each other and me pissing my pants he finally lost interest and disappeared into the forest while I got the f*ck out of there."- -MultiF0rmsMOUNTAIN LION cougar GIFGiphy
An underground operation
"I've seen mountain lions, I've seen bears."
"The scariest thing I've seen was an elaborate grow operation in Northern CA."
"I crested a hill and walked 20 yards into this valley when I realized there were irrigated pot plants for as far as the eye could see."
"Reservoirs, hoses, camouflaged netting."
"My friend and I noped out of there as fast we could, both expecting to be shot on our way back to our car."- Zmirzlina
Not so itsy-bitsy...
"Hiking early morning in Hawaii and my stomach notifies me that it’s time to go #2 ."
"I find a porta potty near the trailhead and jump in to do my business."
"Once complete, I flipped my headlamp on to find the toilet paper, but instead find a huge, 5” in diameter, banana spider hanging out in the corner of the porta potty."
'Trying not to spook it I slowly reached for the 1-ply."
"As I do, my headlamp shines on this monster and it proceeds to FREAK TF OUT!!! "
"It runs in circles for a bit, both of us losing our minds at this point, and ends up between my legs inside of my underwear!!!"
"I’m at a complete loss for what to do, but eventually begin wiggling back and forth in an attempt to get this spider to remove itself."
"That didn’t work at all! Instead of exiting the premises, this MFer runs up my leg."
"This is the point where I give up and storm out of the porta potty yelling and screaming, pants around my ankles."
"No clue what happened to that spider, but it disappeared in a flash…just like my dignity."- Kamala__2024Spider Web Halloween GIFGiphy
Everyone needs an escape to the great outdoors every now and again.
Even though one never knows what lies in store, or what they may find.
Making the feeling of coming home all the more comforting.