Alright y'all, buckle up--it's time for a NSFW post. Kinda. But like, it's a useful NSFW post, so that means we won't get censored, right? Right?!

Some of the best advice can also be the weirdest, grossest, or most awkward advice to give. But trust me, being gross can pay off sometimes. U/ImposterIsRed asked:

What's a tip that's NSFW but can save your life?

Let’s start more lowkey, because if you want the best advice, you’ll have to buy us dinner first.

Practice makes perfect.

“If someone is trying to smother you with a pillow, stay very calm. Don't fight it, and turn your head to the left or right. Most smothering deaths are due to the panic rather than an actual loss of air.”


“You know, ever since I was a kid I'd practice this very thing. I always knew in the back of my mind that if just have to pretend to struggle for a bit and then pretend to pass out/die and wait for them to take the pillow off. Just lay there, hold my breath and pretend to be dead. Then, when the coast is clear-ish, make my sloppy grand escape.”


Anything to not die, I GUESS.

Angry Aubrey Plaza GIF by Parks and Recreation Giphy

“If you get stabbed with, or impaled on, something sharp and the item stays in you, don't try and remove the item - no matter how instinctively appealing it might be to try and remove it.

The item remaining inside you will increase your chances of reducing blood loss, not developing shock, and staying alive.”


​Don’t even f*ck on ‘em.

“If you go to any hotel, no matter how clean the floor and bedding might be. DO NOT SIT NAKED ON THOSE CHAIRS IN THE CORNER OR AT THE DESK. DON'T EVEN HAVE SEX ON THEM ON EM.


Hard to clean a chair than a floor and bedding."


Balls are funny.

“You better believe it's preferable for a doctor to laugh at the lump on your balls that is nothing instead of getting testicular cancer.”


“I built up the courage to get that weird sensation down there checked. The doctor was unavailable, so his replacement comes in and its a guy I went to High School with LMAO. Talk about awkward, but he was very professional and the thing turned out to be a minor infection. So yeah guys, if I could do it then you can too.”


Alright, you asked for it, and we’re delivering. Here are some useful tips for all things steamy.​

By steamy, I meant extremely useful.

happy the simpsons GIF Giphy

“Condoms can hold up to 3 liters of water if necessary.”


“How much water can they hold if it's not necessary?”


Stay safe.

“If your partner ask for no condom, assume all their previous encounters has been without protection. STD are no joke. Also, if something looks or smells weird, go away."


“A partner that insists you don't need a condom is a very good reason to use a condom."


Well. Sorry if that wasn’t the steamy content you were looking for. But hey, now you’ll be safer in bed. Now let’s get weirder.

Please don’t do this, omg.

Sick Vomit GIF by CBS Giphy

“Flared bases, people. Flared bases.

My mother is a nurse and once had to look after a guy whose "friends" stuck a toy where the sun don't shine on his stag do as a "prank". It proceeded bounce around his insides, causing a ruptured bowel as well as a number of other problems. A ruptured bowel can kill you. This guy was lucky.

While his situation was particularly extreme and illustrated the need to choose your friends carefully, this can happen to anyone who is using the wrong toy or the right toy incorrectly.

Hell, this doesn't even have to just refer to sex and/or sex toys. Always be safe and use the right tool for the particular job."


Huh. Good to know.

“If you are ever the victim of a Chlorine Gas attack...

Pee into a towel or handkerchief or something that will retain the urine and use it to cover your mouth, nose and eyes while you search for an exit.

The urea in the urine will neutralize the chlorine gas, rendering it inert, giving you time to save your own life.”


Alright, that's it for some NSFW advice! And if you came here for actual NSFW content….what's wrong with you?

Moral of these stories: never underestimate the power of your own pee. It's amazing what urine can do.

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