Secrets have a habit of getting out of control.
First you tell a lie, or do something not meant to be shared with others, then you keep it to yourself. From there, with time, it grows and grows to uncontrollable proportions. Suddenly, it's not about the initial lie or secret but how long its been kept. To tell someone now might make things worse than in the beginning, and that's what these stories are all about.
"What’s your dirty lil secret?"
Being a parent is hard. Being a child is hard. No one wants to do something wrong for fear of what the other might say or think, so let's keep lying and hope that works?
Pass The Blame To Their Kids
"When our phone was disconnected (1990's) for non-payment, I dialed 911 to see if they would still pickup (they did) but I hung up right away. Ten minutes later the cops showed up at my door, and I blamed it on the kids."
Let Her Keep Thinking It...
"When I was a kid, my mom took away my favorite computer game CD for a few weeks as punishment for something I did. (Bad grade I think?)"
"I found where she hid it, photocopied the CD label, cut out the print, glued it to a blank disk, and put that in the place of the real CD. (Surprisingly she never noticed!)"
"I played it when no one else was home. Its been 18 years, and I still haven't told her!"
A Pure Confession
"It wasn’t raccoons that spilled that paint in the garage in 1993. It was me."
"I'm a therapeutic foster parent. When kids leave us to go back home, I am usually really happy for them (unless I don't think their family is going to be able to handle things safely, then I am worried as could be) but I am also selfishly completely heartbroken. I think about our former kids all the time. When they go home, I try to write our name and phone number in a bunch of their books so they can maybe find us again. And I keep my Facebook page as unlocked as possible hoping they will feel they can reach out if they need anything. I want to foster forever, but I also wonder if I can keep saying goodbye like this. It absolutely guts me and I know I have no right to feel that way."
Schools like to make a big deal out of busting kids for not telling the truth. What happens when someone working for the school is one of the ones helping to perpetrate the lie?
Someone In Power Has Your Back
"When i was in high school, i failed second semester of biology. So here comes the next year and i have to retake it. Again, i pass first semester but fail second semester which means retaking the entire class."
"Well, i transferred schools after that. When i was getting all my transfer information looked over in the office at the new school, the woman noticed i had two passed first semesters but never passed a full class."
"I said “passing two semesters is KINDA like the full class”, she winked, and that was that. no more bio."
"so i guess it’s OUR dirty little secret."
Credit For Nothing
"I never wrote my 7th grade science paper on Dysentery, and when my teacher asked me if I turned it in, I said yes."
"She looked through all of the papers and stacks of paperwork on her very crowded desk, and she said she 'knew she saw it there somewhere.'"
"I got a B for a paper I never wrote."
"Sorry Ms. Weber."
Still Got The Job
"I failed my electrical design class in college but work at an electrical utility company as a designer."
In the long run, sharing these secrets wouldn't be that damaging, would they? So much time has passed that you could laugh about it with friends and family.
Unless you just so happened to be responsible for the ending of your parents' marriage.
Marking Your Territory
"One time when I was like 5-9 years old my dad was shopping around at a lumber store. I wandered around alone and couldn’t find a bathroom. I had to pee so bad. So I just found a secluded back corner behind some wood and pissed on the floor. 30 years later I still drive by that place every day and remember."
"According to natural law, that lumber store belongs to you now."
Boss Is A Jerk? We'll Never Tell.
"The CEO of the company is a micromanager who wants to make even the tiniest decisions."
"He has a coffee mug with the text: Rule 1: I am always right Rule 2: When not, see rule 1."
"It might be a joke, but I feel it's a constant subliminal message he sends himself. So, I hid the mug a couple of months ago."
"I just left the company last week, and did not return the mug."
Got News For You, It Was Probably Not Your Fault
"5yr old me ruined my parents marriage. I distinctly remember finding what I now know is a condom(unused) in our old station wagon. Me not knowing any better began playing with it. Got done tossed it in the trash. Fast forward a short time later. My father returns home and begins to drag the can to the road. As he closes the lid he notices said condom and you can guess where it goes from there. I didn’t learn that was the reason until I was about 14-15."
The Talking Point Of Camp The Rest Of The Summer
"When I was about 8-9 I was sent to a summer camp for 1 month. My sister, who was 14, also was there. Never been away from my parents before. This camp was located around Lake Delton wisconsin. I remember the cabins in the woods. Now I don't know if I had arachnophobia before this experience, but I recall that the toilet stalls had dozens of daddy longleg spiders all over, and I was so scared I just held It in for about 4-5 days."
"Well.. One day I just couldn't hold it anymore and had to make a run for the toilets. I semi ran/walked to The toilets, trying to hold it in, made it In to the main area where the sinks are and just couldn't hold it anymore and just quickly, with one hand, pulled down my pants from behind and dropped the biggest dump on the tile floor, all while still in motion towards the toilet."
"Thank God no one was in there to see this. When I stepped out, a large group had formed out side and inside one of the staff was covering his face with one hand and holding a hoes in the other.No one suspected me.. .. I thanked God that no one found this out as if they had, the rest of my stay there would have been utter torment."
"Fast forward about 30 years.. Im at my parents house with my wife.. My sister is there as well, brothers. Anyway.. We're talking and camp comes up. Told her that it was Me who did that... She nearly laughed to death, Saying "the entire camp talked about this all summer". Hate spiders up until this day."
"In senior year of HS, I put a milk carton in the ceiling of a portable building right before spring break. When we came back from spring break, the classroom smelled like a rotting corpse. Some other kid that was a known prankster somehow got blamed and was suspended."
Let's Get You Hydrated
"Back in the day, my drunk friend wanted to do more shots of vodka, but put water in the shot glasses for her. She said that she couldn’t taste anything. I told her that after a while, her taste buds are messed up because she had too much to drink, but here ya go! Bottoms up! "
Too Much Guilt
"One time when I was 10-12 ish, I told a group of friends that I brushed my teeth with hot water instead of cold water (our cultural norm) just to seem quirky or cool, and man did it get the reaction I was hoping for. However, it was all a lie. I did brush with cold water. And this lie was too heavy for my pre-teen soul, so every day since then I have brushed my teeth with hot water, despite being 15 years older. I feel trapped in my hot teeth scrubbing sentence yet it feels right as a punishment for lying."
"Third grade, 1953. Somebody passed out a box of lollipops to the class. There was an extra. I took it."
"I can no longer live with this shame."
Maybe keep these to yourself, you know? No need to go making waves where none need be.
Want to "know" more?
Sign up for the Knowable newsletter here.
Never miss another big, odd, funny, or heartbreaking moment again.