u/geographygenius asks:
What happened during a job interview that made you not want the job?
Submissions have been edited for clarity, context, and profanity.
50. Contracts are important
Giphy​English teacher looking for a position. Second interview went well, interviewers said they wanted me to be on their team and that they would set up an appointment to sign the contract by the following Monday. I called to check in on Wednesday and was told that I would receive a call by Friday. Called on Friday afternoon and was told that the person responsible would be calling me back that afternoon.
The following morning, received a phone call from the principal checking in on whether or not HR had been in touch. He promised to "light a fire under them." I started interviewing elsewhere as back up. After three weeks of this kind of back and forth I let them know I had accepted a different position, one which had passed me a contract to sign ten minutes after the interview.
49. When there is nothing to hide
Shady dude was the only person there in literally an empty storefront (job was for computer repair). We actually sort of hit it off, got into a long discussion about music production and he actually burned me a couple of cds of pirated software for my studio. Then he explained that the job was really crap and I should find something else. Found out later that the whole business was a scam and he embezzled a bunch of money and ran off without paying his employees. Dude must have genuinely liked me so he didn't hire me.
47. When everyone is quitting
Did an on the job interview with a security/ locksmith company. Interviewer got a phone call from his boss and they got into a huge argument and he quit right in the middle of the job/interview. I just kinda went home and pretended it never happened.
46. When the ad doesn't match the job
Was interviewing for a management position, they said that I first had to work an "amount of time" as a rep. On a rather low pay.
Yeah ... don't advertise a management position if it's basically a ploy to get cheap reps.
45. How tacky!
When the interviewer double booked and insist she interview us together, then proceeded to compare our answers in real time, in front of the other candidate. When she called me three weeks later, outside of work hours, to offer me the job she seemed genuinely surprised at my refusal!
44. Is this job even open?
GiphyInterviewing for a position as an advisor for a financial firm. The manager then gave me the floor for questions:
Me: "Is this a new role or am I replacing someone?"
Interviewer: "Well we had three advisors in this department and I laid off two of them, because I felt we were overstaffed. You would be the replacement"
Me, thinking in my head: "Ok I think we're done here"
43. Bye Felicia
When we got to salary negotiations, and they literally wanted to give me HALF of what I was expecting.
42. When you have connections
My interviewer turned out to be a former co-worker from a previous job. Great dude, we always got along. Ten minutes into the interview he leans forward and quietly says, "the job's yours if you want it, but you don't want it. Trust me." I did trust him. I thanked him and left..
41. When the interview makes you feel gross
I discovered I was being pitched a job as a life insurance salesman for the purpose of taking old people's money.
I felt gross just being there.
40. When you get the job but never start
GiphyThey called me to tell me they were going to offer me the job, but I needed to talk to HR. Then I got bounced around for a couple of months, where HR, the department hiring me, and the finance department kept giving me a start date and then pushing it back.
39. Red flags
"I suppose, if you put it that way, we are getting our initial site data by violating several US anti-hacking laws."
38. When you aren't really sure
I walked into the interview with no real idea what the job actually was. I walked out of the interview with no real idea what the job actually was.
To this day, I still don't know what that job was.
37. When overtime is not paid
GiphyThem: How much overtime are you willing to work?
Me: As much as you're willing to pay me for.
Them: Well, we don't pay for overtime.
Me: You are legally obligated to compensate me for overtime.
Them: Well, it won't be much, but, are you willing to put in extra hours? What kind of compensation would you be looking for.
Me: Cash. And for you to have this system worked out already. I'm out.
36. Way to sell the job...
Engineer '09 grad, applied to work as an engineer for a coal mine. They took us for a underground tour, essentially making sure nobody freaked out. One of the guys who had been there a long time was leading us... with a bad limp i might add and said "its not if you will be hurt, but when and how bad" this wasn't very long after a safety meeting talking about a guy crushed himself operating heavy equipment at another site a few days before.
35. Sometimes the signs are clear
I always get a few questions in myself, and I always ask the person who would be my boss, "What do you like about your job?" One time, my future boss said "I don't really like my job" and went on to explain why he didn't like being a manager in the company. That was the end of me wanting to be his employee.
34. When they don't tell the truth
GiphyI've had multiple places blatantly lie about their compensation and benefits up until the actual interview. Last time I was job searching I think I walked out on three places.
33. Wow...
They told me that I couldn't use the bathroom whenever I wanted and most people end up with incontinence.
32. What happens behind closed doors...
The boss passed by, came in to say hi and shake my hand, which left a good impression on me. Not even 30 seconds later I could hear him screaming and chewing out one of the employees in another room and slam a door.
It immediately reminded me of this old SNL sketch.
31. Hiding something?
They made a big reassurement that what they did in the business wasn't illegal
30. Back in September....Â
I'm in college so I was looking for a job while I was home for this summer, and I applied at Target. They called me and asked a few questions, one of them was when I was going back to school. I told them the last week of August, and they said they couldn't hire me because I couldn't work through the first week of September, which is really busy for them. I was somewhat upset but it wasn't that big of a deal for me. I moved on and applied to a few other places. A few weeks later they called me and said they looked at my application again and they changed their mind and invited me in for an interview. I was excited and I was glad that I had a second chance. I go in and everything in the interview was going well.
They finally asked when I was going back to school, which was weird to me because they already asked me that before. I told them the first week of August. Then the interviewer said that they couldn't hire me because I wouldn't be there for the first week of September. I asked why they even called me in and I explained what happened. The interviewer said that she had no idea that they called me before.
I was very upset that they wasted my time like that. natethegreat34
29. Duck and Cover....Â
I'm an accountant. I walked into this company for a job interview and knew something was off. It was on the 40th floor in downtown San Francisco. Had like 6 offices. Had 2 corner offices. Had A section of the office had 10 cubicles. Had a boardroom that can seat 14.
Unfortunately had no employees. Just like 4. The "president" was an expert in his field. At one time. Now he's old and should have been in a nursing home. He had 3 "secretaries." These people were supposed to be servicing over 300 clients money. How ? Something was fishy as hell.
Turned out later I learn from someone that he was stealing money to finance his lifestyle. Which at one point was extravagant but he was at the tail end of his scam. He was borrowing money to keep it up. He was being investigated by the IRS (someone blew the whistle) but IRS never followed up until someone reported him because he was essentially running a money management firm without a license.
Then it all came down. By then, he was so old he couldn't stand trail. His secretaries pleaded "we didn't know" and been bleeding him dry by making him sign random stuff. He died one day. It was sad. He got away with everything. Stealing from people who most likely were stealing money from someone, may it be shady sources of money to ripping off the taxpayer.
I did dodge a bullet. Reddit
28. Telemarketing Biblically....Â
After college, I was desperate for a job and threw my resume everywhere.I got a call for a company and I thought it was a graphic design position (I majored in history but had a knack for graphic design, so I was amazed I got a call.)
Well, I got there and was immediately told it was a Christian telemarketing company and I'd be a telemarketer making commission. I said the position was clearly for graphic design and the woman told me it was to "draw potentially talented candidates in." They showed me a list of all the charities they telemarket for and I recognized none of them. They weren't religious either. They wouldn't let me take home anything that said charity names on them, but I memorized a few and couldn't find anything about these "charities" when I looked them up at home.
I tried to be as polite as possible through the 2 hour ordeal which had me shadowing a telemarketer, who told me that elderly people were the best to get money out of.
I have absolutely no idea why they kept pitching they were a Christian company when what they were doing was so un-Biblical, but I digress.
It's been 5 years since I interviewed there. I happened to go by the building a few months ago and it's now a medical center. I wonder what happened.... ArtByKC
27. I'm Desperate....
I prepared for an interview a few weeks ago, worked on what to say for a couple of days and as usual got pretty worked up and nervous beforehand. I go to the interview where the guy sits me down and tells me this is nothing more than just a quick informal chat (and here's me in a full suit sweating my butt off having prepared 100 questions/answers in my head)
He then proceeds to say that I'm not suitable for the job I have applied for, he thinks I'm overqualified, but he is thinking about creating a different position in the company I can fill. I ask what the position is, he rambles for a good 20 minutes straight (no joke) about me filling a new job but the job doesn't yet have a training scheme or any kind of official description/documentation. He wants me, as part of the job, to create the job's training scheme for the job I'm literally learning to do.
I'm sat there confused as hell, he hasn't got any notes with him and is just improvising this entire 'job description' where I, as a fresh graduate, am in charge of 38 people's IT systems on my own with no proper experience. I ask what the pay and hours are, "oh, I haven't even thought about that yet."
So I went for an interview that wasn't even a proper interview or related to the job I'd applied for. Such a waste of time. Toby95
26. Sorry Ron....
GiphyApplied for a job in Clearwater, FL. In-person interview was normal enough got passed through to a secondary interview. At the start of the secondary was asked to take some tests. I think no big deal, been there done that with other jobs. They hand me a book sized stack of papers with hundreds of questions. I look down at the bottom of the sheet and in small print it stated that this test was created based on the concepts of L. Ron Hubbard and printed by The Church of Scientology..... I stood up... put the stack back on the ladies desk and noped the heck right out of there. elusivegroove
25. Out I go!
You've had a lot of jobs. Yes. They were temp jobs. But why so many. They were with the same agency. But why do you leave them after a short time? Because they were temporary assignments? I don't understand. How do I know you won't leave here? Because I won't be working here.. goodbye. Thick as s**t. Reddit
24. Just Hang Up!
I had a phone interview with a company that bragged about having an on-site doctor. To me that meant 1 of two things.
- it was so stressful to work there they had a doctor on site for liability.
- if I needed a sick day I would be expected to see that doctor instead of my own.
I ended the interview right there. click_baiter
23. Life Ain't Free....
"Oh, we won't be paying you during your probation, which is about 3 months."
And this was an entry level job. rolling_inthederp
Oh ok no problem, i wont be working during my probation. Rationalbacon
22. Being Hunted isn't the best!Â
Being headhunted from my then current job as a manager in a small but busy and successful café to work for this large, posh hotel.
They phoned me and said that they had found my stored CV online (which I hadn't removed since finding employment) and that one of their board members had been impressed with me as a customer in the café. They offered me an interview and a job with potential to move up etc and that I'd be starting as the restaurant manager on great pay, benefits etc.
It sounded great and being quite pleased that I had just been headhunted for the first time, I went along to the interview which was within the restaurant I'd potentially be working. I turn up in my best suit and this guy comes to interview me wearing jeans and a polo shirt.
Very shortly into the suspiciously informal interview, the guy says to me "look the job is yours, I can get you a uniform and you can start whenever suits." At this point I'm like what do you mean uniform and he points out the waiters and waitresses walking about in pinstripe shirts with huge long aprons. I asked what he meant I was asked to come here because of my managerial experience etc. Guy replies yes potentially in the near future but you'd have to start out on the floor first.
I thanked him and went home. Told my boss about it and he gave me a raise. When I left that job around a year later, he put an extra £250 cash in with my wages and threw a leaving party in the café for me. Told me to invite all my friends and family and it was a free bar all day and night. Best boss ever. So glad to have worked for him. GrumpyBake
21. Out before it's too late....
I applied for the job because someone told me the manager was awesome, during the interview she mentioned that moving to the south was hard on her husband's health (humid air and bad lungs) and that they really missed home.
I had a feeling I'd be getting a new boss as soon as I started, and that's almost always a bad thing. I was right, she left 3 months later, and I heard the new boss was heinous. Spikito1
20. Frankly my Dear....
The guy interviewing me kept calling me Frank and he wouldn't stop. -brightlights-
If you didn't say "well, to be frank, I don't want this job anymore!" before you left, frankly, you missed out.legitimatelynonrobot
19. Cheers...
Interviewed for a faculty position at a prestigious university on the east coast and was supposed to interview with the Department Chair. I had to wait outside his office because my interview was delayed by 15 minutes while he ripped apart this other professor over some billing issues.
When I finally walked in, he asked who I was and then why I wanted a job in his department. I should have stood up and walked out at that point, but figured I'd be polite and finish up the afternoon. Went out that night and had a nice dinner and got drunk by myself on their tab. I ultimately got the job offer but turned it down. contraphd
18. ok... byeeeeee
Was out of work, this was during a phone screen:
Me: "I'm sorry that salary is significantly less than what I was making previously."
Her: laughing "Well, it is more than you are making now, so..." FakeNewsfortheWin
17. STRIIIIKE!!!
GiphyApplied to a bartending position at a new club, the guy's second club.
Strike one: when he said it was an unpaid position, just whatever tips were made.
Strike two: he told me that the bartenders at his other club had done the dance from coyote ugly to earn the bar more money. He asked me what lengths I was willing to go to to drive sales.
A third strike was unnecessary. LaSwanduh
16. Goes Both Ways!Â
Just happened yesterday.
"We want someone who can be committed to this job for a year or longer. It is part-time and you will get hours as we have demand. You can eventually get full time. We just had someone who has been here for three years become full time."
WTF? You want me to commit to you but you will not commit to me? I was also told they are in dire need to fill this position. I should be receiving an offer today. Christiphis
15. No Kids!Â
All went well until the male interviewer turned around and asked Me- "kinda hoping kids aren't on the cards for you, I'm sick of you girls pulling maternity crap!" PotatoPixie90210
14. Pack my tools....Â
In welding jobs, you do a job interview, then take a welding skills test. I was taking the test and current employees came up periodically, introduced themselves to me talked to me a little. They all said pretty much the same thing. It's a s**t show in there. I was skeptical at first but I witnessed a father and son get into a super heated argument during my test. I packed up my tools and thanked the owner for the opportunity, and explained why I was declining the job and left.LasagnaFarts92
13. A Strong Woman Wins!Â
I went to an interview for a machinist position. In a machine shop. I am a journeyman machinist. The guy didn't expect a lady machinist as someone else had called me to come and interview. He asked if I'd like to sell dietary supplements with his wife instead. Wtf? Ummm noooooo. Reddit
12. Panera for the Win!
GiphyFirst job interview out of college and it was for an account manager job that clearly said it was an office job where you make some cold calls, keep customer happy, etc. Show up in a suit and tie and as I'm sitting in the lobby another guy shows up interviewing for the job as well. The lady then decided to take us to Panera and interviews both of us at the same time. She then starts going on about the job saying it's best to wear shorts and comfortable shoes since we will be going door to door 6 days a week, 8am-8pm trying to get people to switch their gas and electric provider.
After she said that I kind of tuned out and stopped caring what she said. As soon as we got back to the office parking lot she wanted us to come in and explain how after all this work we can end up being district managers making 80k and all this other bull crap. I instead said no thank you, went to my car and drove off depressed that I fell for that scam. MrHimp1990
11. You Better WERK!
It was doing a corporate, behind-the-scenes kind of role for a shoe company. I wore their shoes (I had some in the back of my closet) and a corporate looking simple black black dress and black jacket. This is important to note for later - I didn't look offensive, I looked respectable for the role I was applying to, and the outfit showed their shoes.
So I get into my interview, it's with a brother and a sister who control the brand since their granddad passed it down to them. We go through the normal questions, I pull up some numbers and campaigns they've run and discuss it with them as well as a vision for their future.
Then out of nowhere, the brother says, "but you're not a FASHIONISTA!" He practically spits out the last word. I'm really taken aback, because I don't need to be in the role I applied for. "You don't have a fashion blog, how can you understand fashion?" and then he goes on a mini rant about how can I possibly understand their brand.
I knew it had tanked at this point, and it wasn't an industry I normally work in so I took a risk and decided to burn future bridges. I took one of my pumps off and waved it in there. "What is this thing?!" I said dramatically. "Does it belong on my feet? I don't understand, is it feet clothes?"
His sister tried deescalating the situation at that point but it was done.
I have never, ever done anything like that. Lots of other interviews have passed me where we both knew it wasn't the right fit but we've always gone through the motions. I checked in a few months later. They promoted one of their shoe designers to the role. The brand is not doing well. AOLchatparty1999
10. Not Three Pennies More....
Graduated college with a teaching degree and a bunch of video production experience (shot college events, cut them into presentations and posterity videos, ran the college television station, etc.).
Interviewed with my state teachers union association. They posted an ad in the paper looking for someone to cover their events; drive to the capital, film the event, interview attendees, bring the footage back, cut it into three different videos: one for internal use, one for TV and one for the website. Also write articles for the website about said event. 3-5 days a week job, 7 hours a day, most weekends. Oh, and the capital is at least an hour and a half drive from here.
This interview goes on for an hour. Finally it's question time. I asked if there would be benefits. She laughed. I asked about salary. She stifles a laugh. Then she says, "We were thinking three hundred."
That number rolls around my head. There's no way she said three hundred.
Three hundred?
"That's right."
A week?
That triggered the laugh.
"No! No, maybe three hundred a month?"
Will you cover expenses? Driving, hotels, editing equipment, filming equipment?
"We figured you'd bring that stuff from home."
I stood up, looked her dead in the face and said, "You have wasted an hour of my time."
I walked out to the sounds of her hemming and hawing about maybe bumping it up to three-fifty. ComicSal
9. 18 & Up?
When a few years ago, the interviewer asked repeatedly when exactly I was going to turn 18. Really sealed the deal when 20 minutes after I left he called again, just to confirm, exactly when I would turn 18. budapestgirl
8. School Scam...
GiphyWent in for what I thought was a low level IT job with some on the job training. Turned out to be an overpriced A+ Certification Course that essentially gave you a one week paid internship at the end so they could justify calling it a "Job" and advertise on job sites. DONT_PM_ME_BREASTS
7. Family First....
Now I grew up in a small town in nowhere Montana, so I was prepared for the reality. The job I was applying for was in an extremely isolated area I had never been to before. The interviewer told me straight up it would take years to be accepted into the town. He also asked about what church we would be interested in seeing on the tour. That was when reality set in about what I was stepping into. The job itself was great, but I couldn't put my family into that situation. DarrenEdwards
6. Don't Ask....
Not me, but a friend.
I guess this won't translate well for many people, so the background is: We live in a country where you are not allowed to ask about family planning during a hiring process, as this is considered discriminatory. Family planning is not supposed to be taken into account when hiring (the same way as you cannot chose to hire someone based on religion, sexuality etc.)
My friend was asked if she was planning on having a baby. Even though she needed a job she didn't want to work for them after that. (Ironically this was an auditing firm which exists to ensure that other companies follow legislation, yet they failed to do so themselves in the hiring process.) lolitrusa
5. Forgotten?
I mentored a student during his degree as part of an Alumni program. This fellow is destined for great things, off-the-chart smart, and keen to immerse in his industry. He tells me about an interview he went to with a large, well known pharmaceutical firm to get more lab experience - he ended up being accepted to Cambridge for his PhD - and he was left in a room on his own for over an hour (there was a short questionnaire he'd completed fairly quickly) and no one came to get him. Apparently, they forgot he was there. Needless to say that he declined their generous offer to join their team. geekpeeps
4. Family Craziness....
I had a family owned chiropractic business interview me. And while they're having me small talk about myself I mentioned my daughter. And they asked about her dad and I implied I was a single mother and their response was "yeah, so we're a heavily Christian based organization so we will be looking elsewhere." I was so taken aback I just left and didn't realize it was illegal until after when I called my friend who hires people for a living! A**holes. I wouldn't have wanted to work for them anyway. I had to agree to morning prayer circles and crap. It was so weird. pschlick
3. It's A Sign!Â
They had me speak with two people separately and they both asked me what my horoscope sign is and then they said that if they wanted to move forward with me they would invite me to a dinner to see how I fared.
I'm sorry, but, an employer who is going to care about the stereotypes of what your horoscope signs are is bullcrap.cookofthesea
2. Stay Alert...
I had an interview a couple of days ago, at a smallish local bank - 12 branches, they do about 1.5b in business a year, so it's a legit company. I had a feeling I might be a little overqualified but applied anyway, and part of the application was a salary requirement. I got an email asking for my availability to come in for an interview, and replied with my availability, but suggested a quick phone interview first to make sure we're on the same page and not waste anyone's time since I'm already employed.
They didn't want to bother with that and we scheduled a time. I met with the director of the department I'd be working in, and the interview went very well. Then I sat down with the director of HR, and that interview went very well as well, until she mentioned the salary requirements I'd put in the application and asked if it was "some pie in the sky number," which I'm pretty sure I actually laughed at, and informed her that was the number at which I would start thinking about leaving my current job.
Lady, did you not look at my resume before you asked that question? I don't expect a follow up with them.
Don't ask for a salary requirement in an application if you're not going to pay any attention to it when you bring people in for an interview. MonkeySherm
1. Y'all a Hot Mess!
GiphyI was interviewing for a teaching job. They did the interview in a closet room next to the gym where kids were screaming/playing basketball outside. It was so distracting. The principal came in and out of the room about 5 times and would jump into the conversation without any context. They asked me redundant questions and forgot which position I was being interview for. They also wrote and underlined specific answers that I gave that were obviously not what they wanted to hear. The entire thing was so disorganized and if I hadn't needed a job I would have walked out.little_cranberry5
Lawyers are not the most popular people in the world and they don't care. They are there to win and claim victory at any cost. Half of the time you have to wonder... do they actually love lawyering or just flat out winning?
It's a bloodthirsty, competitive career not for the faint of heart. In the end all lawyers can recall their best moments when they knew they had a lock!
Redditor movierevision wanted lawyers to talk about... Lawyers of Reddit, what is the most bada** "I rest my case" moment you ever witnessed?
Stupid is as stupid does....
My mum was a personal injury solicitor, and she was basically trying to prove that the car that hit her client and caused life changing injuries (brain damage) belonged to X.
X at first pretends not to live where he does, then the car is found abandoned all wiped down. The trail seems to end. Then, my mum has a hunch and checks X's facebook.
He had a public profile, and his profile picture was his standing next to the car in question. She screenshots them and sends them to the opposing counsel with a slightly more politely worded 'your client is dumb.' She's retired now but she considers it to be one of the most satisfying moments of her career.
Needless to say, she won the case and her client got a million pound settlement and is now living in Spain. All for the want of a simple privacy setting and a touch of common sense.
Where there is smoke... there's crack!
This just happened in a tenancy arbitration yesterday.
I evicted a tenant for being a small time dealer. She disputed it, and we had a tenancy arbitration. I submitted video of people walking up to her window like a Burger Crack drive-through, plus brought in her neighbor as a witness. The hearing is conducted over the phone.
The witness testified that she smelled crack smoke, and had a constant stream of drug addicts buzzing her intercom and knocking on her door, looking for her neighbor. As in, 5-10 per hour sometimes. The tenant got a chance to cross-examine the witness and her first question, in an excited "gotcha" type voice was: "So, how do you know what crack smoke smells like?"
Witness response, without skipping a beat:
"Before we had our baby my husband was a drug user. He also bought from you and smoked it in your apartment, so that's how we know what it smells like."
These people live among us!
GiphyTwo guys were being tried for robbing a gas station. A customer who saw the robbery was now on the witness stand. The prosecutor asked him to describe what he saw. He said that he saw two guys robbing the store and then running out, and one of them bumped into him. Then the prosecutor looked at the two perps and said "Are those two men in the court room today?"
At which point, the two idiots raised their hands. Case closed.
Do you not hear yourself Sir?
For a while my mother dated a man who really liked to act like a big shot. He was a guy that claimed to know a guy where ever you went. Any time you wanted something he would say "Oh wait, let's go to [store name] I'll talk to owner and get you a deal."
Nearly every time he did, the owner seemed like he wasn't entirely sure who this guy was.
He would do stuff like insist on taking the whole family on a vacation, or take everyone to a fancy restaurant. Or he would show up with expensive gifts out of the blue, like new electronics or guitars. Eventually the relationship ends, but not long after we find out he's taking us to court because we owe him money.
Court date comes, he presents his case first. He goes through a huge itemized list of every item he ever bought us. Every single item, from a vending machine coke, to a new sink because he broke the old one. Even a birthday cake bought for the youngest child. Once he's done, the judge asks if there was an agreement to be paid back for any of that. He says it was just an understanding.
The judge asks specifically if he ever said he wanted to be paid back. He says no, that usually when someone buys you something you pay them back. The judge then explained that no, infact that's not usually how gifts work, and that by his own admission there was never an expectation to pay for anything.
So after his own testimony, the case was closed. He then appealed. Again he presented his testimony first. Again, closed by his own words.
Deep breaths and a Xanax friend...
GiphyA colleague of mine was cross-examining a guy in a family law trial, probing him on his anger issues. He quickly got so angry enough he tried to pick up the chair and throw it at her.
(The chair was bolted to the ground.)
Signs need to be visible.
A little late but this is one of my Dad's favorite stories.
So he is out of state on business driving though some no name town when he goes through an intersection. Suddenly a cop pulls him over stating that he ran a stop sign and ticketed him. My dad insisted there was not any stop sign but the cop did not listen. Pissed, he went back to the intersection and saw that there was a stop sign hidden behind a tree and twisted in the wrong direction!
Even more pissed he went to a convenience store that was in sight of the intersection and bought a disposable camera while the clerk laughed because he saw what happened and knew what was up.
Luckily, my dad had to be back there in a few weeks for work. The cop assumed that someone with out of state plates would just pay the ticket and they were shocked when my dad turned up in court, calmly presented his evidence to the judge and strolled out in 5 minutes scott free.
I got you on camera! I got you on satellite!
GiphyWorking as a paralegal. Divorce case, hired by wife. Husband insists he never had an affair with their female friend.
Days later. Paralegal in charge asks me to show paralegal intern how to do property search. Last address in mind is the possible mistress. Type in address, look at deed, get parcel, even get a satellite photo. This is important. I print up satellite photo.
Attorneys meet. Our boss L asks, "Mr Husband, you insist you never had an affair with Ms Woman, correct?"
H: That's correct.
L: Did you ever go to her house for anything?
H: No. I can't remember where she lives.
L: Mm hmm. So between the dates of blah and blah you never visited her residence?
H: (annoyed) No, never.
L: What vehicle do you drive?
H: Ford (something big like F-350).
L: What color?
H: White.
L: Anything in that truck bed?
H: Toolbox.
L: Silver, the kind that's bolted in place?
H: Yeah?
L: Do your truck and toolbox look anything like the ones at Ms. Woman's house in this satellite photo taken on such-and-such date?
H: Damn...
Summary: Husband swears he never visited the house of his alleged mistress, only to be caught by a satellite photo.
But they matched my outfit...
In criminal docket court one morning the accused wore a pair of very unique custom made red cowboy boots... stolen from the house he was accused of robbing. Wore them. To court. To plead not guilty. The prosecutor was laughing.
Shhh... no quiet... it's all over hun!
My wife and not me, and it was during sentencing.
"Mr. Defendant (local gang boss), you stated you are not and have never been in a gang."
"That's correct."
"Do you have any tattoos?"
"Yeah, I have a tiger on my calf and one on my chest that says GD 4 Life?"
"What does GD stand for?
"Gangster Disciples. . . but, I mean. . . ."
"No further questions, you honor."
You might want to get some glasses...
When I was in law school, I clerked for a criminal defense legal clinic. We had an assault and battery case where there was only one witness to the crime, which was the victim.
I was sitting at the defense table with the actual attorney, another law student that worked on the case with me, and the defendant. We were all in similar looking suits as a matter of unplanned coincidence.
The victim was asked to identify the person who committed the assault in court and she pointed to me and not the defendant.
Our attorney asked several times if she was really pointing to me and if she was sure, and she said yes. The prosecutor was visibly upset and the trial pretty much ended there as this was a bench trial and not with a jury.
It was never discussed or admitted to, but I suspect our attorney purposefully had me there at the trial because I did have a passing resemblance of the defendant.
How high can you count?
GiphyA friend told me this story. He's not a lawyer but was job shadowing or something and was in court for the day. Anyway, one of the cases was a girl contesting a stop sign violation.
The prosecutor asked how long she was stopped at the stop sign and the girl responds 40-50 seconds. The prosecutor asks her to look at the clock in the court room and proceeds to stay silent for the next 30 seconds, which is a really long time.
Once the 30 seconds is up, the prosecutor looks back at her and says were you really stopped 40-50 seconds and the girl was basically silent. I'm pretty sure she was found guilty.
Know the car make friends...
Not me, but a buddy who is a DUI attorney. In the state he practiced in being in the car with the keys in the ignition, even if the engine isn't running, is considered a DUI (if you're intoxicated.)
Had a client come in, told his story to my buddy, the buddy goes to the DA after discovery and says "Don't take this to trial!" DA says "Yeah, right."
In court, he gets the State Trooper who made the arrest up on the stand and the Trooper says under oath "I saw with my own two eyes that the keys were in the ignition."
Buddy gives the cop several tries to walk it back. Then has it read into the record that the car was a Prius.
BOOM. Instant dismissal and the Statie got into some trouble.
Late to the show, but I used to be a domestic violence advocate, and helped victims get protective orders against their abusers.
At one hearing, my client told her story of abuse, him hitting her after an argument. The judge asked him, so did you hit her? Is her story true. He says, and I quote, "now Judge, it was just a little Love Tap, you know how it is."
The judge blinked twice, stunned, slammed his gavel, and granted her petition.
These two yutes....
GiphyKind of applies, I'd suppose.
I practice mostly criminal defense. I, fairly recently, had a client who, after pleading guilty to a theft charge, contested the amount of restitution owed. Essentially the client said, I stole some stuff but I didn't steal all of that stuff.
The victim had to come to court to prove the value of the things he alleged were stolen. Some of those things (that my client denied having touched, much less stolen) were rare and valuable coins.
To support his claim, he brought a statement purporting to be from a local coin dealer with the type of coin listed and its value.
I knew nothing about coins, but I knew the judge knew a lot about coins, having collected them for years. The DA asks his questions.
I muddle through my questions. Then the judge said he had some questions, and verbally ripped this guy's list to shreds. Stuff like, "You expect me to believe that blah blah blah coin in blah blah condition is worth $250 when I can go online right now and find the same coin for $36?"
I just sat back like Vincent LaGuardia Gambini while Mona Lisa Vito was being voir dired. It was wonderful to watch.
Mic. Drop.
The best I've got was an auto accident case. The police report claims my client was proceeding through a red light, and got t-boned in the passenger side. My client claims they were proceeding through a green light and got t-boned in the driver's side by someone else who was running the red.
I asked to approach the bench and showed the judge and opposing counsel the police report. It included a sketch of how the cop said the accident happened. Then I showed the prosecutor the pictures I had of my client's vehicle, with the giant dent in the driver's side where my client says they were hit.
The prosecutor points out that the police diagram shows my client being knocked into a telephone pole, so of course there's a dent. I flip forward to a picture confirming the dent in the opposite side, then back to the picture of the driver's side. And the closer up picture of the driver's side. Which includes a mostly legible imprint of the "victim's" license plate.
The prosecutor hemmed and hawed and said he wanted to talk to his officer. The judge told him he could do that, but also, that he might want to consider whether he could ethically pursue this case. He went off for a few minutes then came back and dismissed.
I don't know that I handled that optimally (I mostly do civil work, talking things out is what I'm good at, I don't know how an experienced criminal defense pro would have handled it and any reading this are very possibly cringing hard at my work) but it got the job done without a trial.
How about, instead of the most "I rest my case" moment, the most dumb "I rest my case" moment? This is civil so its more my forte.
Opposing counsel malpracticed. Its hard to call it anything but that. He had plenty of time to answer a complaint, but didn't file an answer and didn't ask for an extension. Its now several months later and default judgment has been granted against his client.
He moves to reopen the case. In theory this is hard to get, but everyone hates my client so its not as hard as its supposed to be. He claims that a case tracking error occurred due to unfamiliar case management software, and that this should count as excusable error.
He moves to reopen the case. In theory this is hard to get, but everyone hates my client so its not as hard as its supposed to be. He claims that a case tracking error occurred due to unfamiliar case management software, and that this should count as excusable error.
In short- if his mistake was excusable error (it wasn't) and his client would be really harmed (probably) then the case can reopen. If he just malpracticed then no.
We're alone in the small town court. The judge comes in wearing jeans and a flannel shirt, and just walks up to us and starts talking about how he doesn't want to put anything on the record if we don't need to, sure, opposing counsel CAN go on record and argue his motion if he really wants, but maybe we can all talk about this, and maybe my client is open to negotiation without technically reopening the case... I'm not going to go into the reasons but that wasn't a crazy thing to suggest- my client may have been better off with an agreement than with the judgment we already had.
Opposing counsel says he wants to go on record.
The judge says... really? Reeeeeeaaally? He's read the briefs and he understands what happened, and he's not going to maaaaaaaake opposing counsel go on record.
Opposing counsel wants to go on record.
Judge leaves and comes back in robes.
Opposing counsel speaks first because its his motion, and details, in what is now about to lead to a formal and written court ruling, how he malpracticed.
The judge says, "That doesn't sound like excusable error, that sounds like malpractice." End scene.
Your turn Sir...
I heard about a deposition in a personal injury case where there was a question about whether or not the plaintiff used illegal drugs.
Defense lawyer: Do you now or have you ever used illegal drugs?
Plaintiff: No.
Defense lawyer: Is cocaine an illegal drug?
Plaintiff: Yes.
Defense lawyer (shows plaintiff a document): So, how do you explain this drug screen where you tested positive for cocaine?
Plaintiff (gets serious because he's about to make this lawyer feel terrible): Sir, as I'm sure you're aware, I have a medical condition that requires me to have a catheter in my bladder. The pharmacy puts a form of cocaine in the lubricant so that it numbs my penis when I have to put the catheter in.
Defense lawyer (pulls out another document): Sooooo, do you also put crystal meth and marijuana in your penis? Because this other drug screen I have here ...
I have two. One my own, and one someone else's.
In mine, my client was accused of not leaving this woman alone when she wanted no contact with him. He swore that they were dating, and she'd call the police when she got mad.
She swore she wanted nothing to do with him. She had a photo on her phone of him sitting on her porch, to prove that he'd come around without her consent.
I asked permission from the judge to look at the photos before and after to get context. Lo and behold, she had hundreds of photos of him. Eating dinner with her, sitting on her couch, wearing her undergarments... It was glorious.
We're done here...
GiphyDuring my divorce, my Ex was on the stand lying her butt off about how she was totally not using drugs and having an affair with an underaged child being present in the home.
Her lover was outside because my attorney subpoenaed him and he HAD to be there. My attorney grilled him and what he said contradicted what my Ex was saying at least a dozen times.
Then my attorney put her back on the stand and made her admit every single lie she told the judge. Her closing argument was basically that mom is a liar and has zero credibility.