The one thing that happened of which never speak again. There are so many. They never stop, either. Who knows when you'll walk in on your dad naked and chugging milk, or farting so loudly your grandmother's funeral is ruined?
dannyjayes1 asked Reddit: What is your "we will never speak of this again" moment?
Submissions have been edited for clarity, context, and profanity.
40. Daddy and auntie being naughty.
My Divorced dad was playing horseshoes in a league with my Aunt (moms sister). They went together one night when I was about 16. I went to a friends house to sleepover and didn't think any more of it.
Until I got home the next morning and her car was still in the driveway. Innocent and stupid me went into the house expecting my aunt to maybe be crashed on the couch or something.
Then I heard the shower running and thought, weird, maybe she's taking a shower before she leaves.
Then I heard my dads laugh coming from the bathroom with my aunt laughing too. I tip toed out of the house and went right back to my friends house completely flabbergasted by what I just walked in on.
39. This is a marriage made to last.
I had internal bleeding and really low blood pressure. I was in the hospital and instructed to not try to stand or walk since I'd faint. I didn't obey that.
I went to take a piss and my girlfriend saw and chased after me. She caught up just in time to throw herself between me and the floor to prevent me from cracking my head open as I fell back unconscious, peeing all over everything on the way down.
I awoke with her sandwiched between me and the tile floors, lying in a pool of my pee.
And that's actually the moment I realized I should marry that girl.
But that's not the story I tell when someone asked, "when did you know she was the one?"
Not gonna lie that's the perfect story for I knew she was the one!
Yeah that's a story for the wedding if ever I've heard one.
38. Don't whizz in the fireplace. Or on the electric fence.
I was about 15. Definitely old enough to know better.
I was putting spiders and ice cubes on the super hot wood stove because the Leidenfrost effect was interesting.
I thought it would be funny to do it with piss. It was not funny to do it with piss.
For the uninitiated, what happens is the piss vaporizes and depending on the volume of your bladder, produces a thick and clearly visible dark brown cloud.
If you can imagine the smog line in LA, it looks like that. That cloud hugs the ceiling and hangs down about a foot. It doesn't really move because it's water vapor and it leaves a film on everything it touches.
It smells like....well...like burnt piss, and you can also taste it. The cloud absolutely does not dissipate before your mother gets home from work.
Eating a Hot Pocket with your bits exposed sounds a bit too dangerous for me.
I was sort of a naughty kid anyhow, so she thought I had started a fire with something. In order to avoid a worse punishment I had to take dumbsponsibility. That was the only time I can remember her looking at me with actual hatred.
MrdrBrgrYou just made me burst out laughing.
I don't recall ever learning about the Leidenfrost effect, so I just looked that up and its really cool. Totally explains why you would play with ice cubes on a wood stove.
But what's up with the spiders?spiders and ice cubes
Right, right, classic combo.
One faithful night when I was around 12, I woke up and for some reason I was sure I was hella late for school. I threw on some clothes and walked into the kitchen, still half asleep.
What I saw in the kitchen was utterly confusing. My dad was standing there, naked, chugging milk straight from the carton like a madman. I looked at him, but was too tired to be shocked, he on the other hand looked like he had been cought chugging milk by the ghost of Hitler. Then I looked up at the clock.
It was 4 AM. I really didn't understand anything except that I could sleep more at this point, so without a word I just turned around slowly and went back to bed.
The look on his face still haunts me
Edit: I forgot to mention that he never put the carton down. He just stared at me in shock, milk to mouth, until I left. For all I know he stood there chugging milk with all night
I meant fateful, but at this point I'm just going with it
36. Never tell anyone - except Reddit.
When my uncle died we were going through his house to clear it. We found 5-6 cameras and checked them to see if there were any photos of him for his mother as she didn't have many.
Turns out he was into domination and had a large variety of porn quality pictures of himself partaking in his fetish. 60 year old man being dominated by similarly aged males and females. They are seared into my soul.
Myself and my father were checking together and made a pact not to tell anyone else or speak of it again.
I have this fear for when I die. Especially if I die unexpectedly... just burn all my sh*t. Just burn it.
Give me a key to your house and I'll make sure that nobody finds your body
Edit: Porn, that nobody finds your porn
35. Pics or it didn't happen.
A friend accidentally sent me a pic of his junk on Snapchat that was clearly meant for someone else. He excused himself a hundred times.
"Accidentally" ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
I accidently sent a snap of myself holding my hand over my junk to my then girlfriends best friend... I immediately called my gf and told her what just happend while writing SORRY THAT WAS NOT FOR YOU to the friend. We all laughed about it and i thought we agreed on not talking about it... I was wrong. All her friends know about it.
34. Username leaves me with questions.
I follow a bunch of weird blogs/tags on tumblr and was scrolling through my feed. I would usually alt/tab in 0.1 seconds if I was fapping or whatever but since I wasn't looking at any porn, I didn't bother to hide what I was doing, kept scrolling, then turned round (whilst still scrolling) to see my mum come in my room to put some laundry on a cabinet.
Unbeknownst to me, right as she came in the room, on my screen was a huge picture of an erect horse penis. I have no idea why it was on the blog and I did not intentionally look for it, but it was right there. In the middle of the screen.
33. Oh no, a joint?!
This is my friend's story.
She smoked weed a bit in high school but obviously hid it from her parents. This one time she came downstairs in the morning to find a joint sitting on the kitchen counter.
She knew for sure it wasn't hers and that she wouldn't be stupid enough to leave one out like that. Her mother soon after walked downstairs and started cleaning up around the kitchen.
When she ran into the joint, she paused, locked eyes for a bit with my friend, said "oh uh" and quickly brushed it into her hand and got rid of it. They both pretended it never happened.
She thinks her mom was covering for her dad. Later on she once found a bong in his closet. She always wanted to smoke with him after that but didnt know how to bring it up. Hence the never talked about it again.
32. We've all been there...
Well me and the wife were out on the lake fishing. When all of a sudden I felt the rumbling in my gut. I was about to sh*t my pants. I looked around and noticed we were no where near a dock and there was nobody else on the water.
So I looked my wife in the eye and told her I was sorry and loved her very much. I then proceeded to hang my ass over the side of the boat and had the Hershey squirts.
It was over quite quickly thankfully. My wife passed me a few old receipts from her purse so I could wipe. She told me she still loved me and we kept on fishing.
Edit: I'd like to clarify that we did indeed move to a different part of the lake when I finished. What kind of sicko do you take me for?
Edit the second: my most upvoted comment is about me having diarrhea on a lake. Wtf is wrong with you reddit? Also my wife is insisting that I point out that we'd been married less than a year at that point.
Thats a keeper.
Matched with my cousin on Tinder.
I was like "wow she is ho.... O my god that's my cousin!" while swiping. It all happened so fast. Same thing must have happened to her because we matched.
I just messaged her and said we never speak of this, agreed? And she said agreed. And we've never spoken about it. Things are weird around the holidays.
We just kinda make eye contact and then one of us finds a reason to leave the room immediatly to go and talk to other family members who we have not matched with on Tinder.
30. Forgetting this is probably for the best.
I came home from a week at Girl Scout camp at 13, and discovered a tick the size of a thumbtack, attached to a very private place. I had to go to my Mom and get her to help detach it.
When she finished, she told me we didn't ever have to talk about this again if I didn't want to. Her tone made it clear that she certainly didn't want to.
29. I'mma let you finish but...
Not to hijack the camp story but one time at camp there was this really high rope climb activity that we received daily merits for and I was naturally good.
My group was fairly large as I was quite younger and one day while climbing I almost hit the top but ran out of energy. I squirmed my legs up and down grasping at rope when a glorious burst of happy nectar flooded my grub worm for the first time.
It never came to a pinnacle because it was as if that was the baseline experience. I did this everyday until climbing the rope was the least of my worries.
One teacher thought the behavior was odd and asked me why I stopped at the top every time and squirmed around. I said it feels really good. I was instructed to not do that and to not tell anyone. A couple years later I discovered a pool jet..
Wait until you figure out how to use your hands.
28. And now for an innocent mistake.
In middle school my crush's mom and my mom drove the exact same SUV with similar license plates. After school one day I ran up hopped in my mom's car and started talking when she didn't talk back and hadn't left the pick-up line I looked at her.
She was not my mom. I look to my right and my crush is standing outside the car looking at me like I was crazy. I sheepishly got out and ran a few cars back to my real mom.
A few years later I had moved back to the area and was a cashier at a local store. My crush came through the line and recognized me and started to say weren't you that girl who...where I just interrupted with a "yes" handed him his change and quickly started the next customer.
27. People are nasty.
I put my head in my friends horse mask, only to realize it was where he left all of his used 'alone time' tissues. It was a bonding moment. I took 3 showers.
What's wrong with the trash can?
Seriously, I had never heard of keeping soaked tissues/rags/socks just lying around the room in random places before I discovered Reddit and it seems like everyone does it. It's just so nasty.
26. How embarrassing.
Had to stay with a work friend one night as we had a conference in his home town the next day. It was weird enough staying in his spare room, but to top things off he had a fancy modern bathroom with a square toilet... which of course, I blocked in the morning with a turd the size of Mt Fuji.
After 30 mins of fruitless searching for a plunger while the situation went from bad to worse, he knocked on the door and asked if I was okay.
I had to tell him not to come in but to just hand me a plunger and some bleach. Apparently his gf did the same thing the first night she stayed at his place, so at least I'm not alone. To this day I cannot look him in the eye at work.
Edit: ouch my inbox. I get it, everybody poops.
When i was 17 a huge photo radar ticket came in for my truck. something like 40km over the speed limit. My mom was furious at me. HOW DARE YOU DRIVE LIKE A MANIAC I RAISED YOU BETTER and all that.
But It turns out I wasn't the driver that day, dad had borrowed it to pick something up. I asked him how much it was worth to him for me to take the fall knowing she'd turn on him with the fury of a angry mama bear. And that's I got myself a new HDTV that year.
I have a really similar story to this haha. My dad took my car to work one day because his car was in the shop getting fixed.
About a month later a red light camera ticket comes in the mail and my dad opens it and sees its my car and starts blaming me for it.
I look at the picture on the ticket and realize it was on a road near where my dad works so i'm like this isn't even me driving thats you going to work and my dad was just like "oh.... welll sh*t"
24. Uh okay weird.
My mum heard me talking to my best friend about the new edition of International club porn magazine that had Geri Halliwell naked in it. I got back from school one day and there was a brown paper bag on the sofa which my mum edged towards me and walked off. 14 year old me was forever grateful. You're the best mum!
23. Raise your hand if you miss middle school.
I was at a pool party in 8th grade, I think I may have been swimming around or sitting weirdly, but I remember a friend of mine told me "Dude I just saw your peen."
Me: "No you didn't"
Friend: "You're right, I didn't"
Never spoke about him seeing it again.
22. That's love right there.
One time I was taking a poop and feeling very faint. I started getting cold sweats, feeling dizzy and light headed. In a panic I shouted for my wife to come help me.
As she entered the room I proceeded to faint and fall off the toilet and roll my body to side to prevent injury. Mid fall a solid turd torpedoed out of my butt across the floor leaving a trail of poop smear.
When I came to, my wife was standing there in shock, I got up grabbed some toilet paper and picked up my shame and we never spoke of it again.
21. War, man.
Not me but my father's story.
During WWII, my father was a photographer for the 9th Army Air Corps. Most of the time it was ground-based, but occasionally he flew.
During the lead-up to D-Day, he flew multiple missions in a bomber converted to a stereoscopic camera (3D imagery) platform (the bomb bay had been gutted and the camera installed there).
They would overfly France and take pictures until they either ran out of film or the Luftwaffe showed up. To minimize detection they flew alone with the escort fighters circling out over the Channel.
In event of an attack, they'd drop until they were skimming the waves and run for England, passing under the fighters who'd engage the Germans while they fled.
This, of course, didn't have its risks and on more than one occasion they'd be caught too deep into France or the German fighters would get the drop on them and they'd have to man the guns. Crew size meant even the photographers had to man a gun.
So with all that, here's the "let's never speak of this again" moment. They were still at a high altitude One of the guns jammed and the gunner took off his glove and ended up freezing his hand to the metal of the gun.
He's yelling for help and my dad goes over and says, "There's two ways to get your hand off. Either we yank it off and take the skin off your palm, or we use warm liquid. I know of only one source of that..."
"Never tell anybody about this," was said. Dad didn't keep his word, and thus was born the often told story of how my father pissed on a crewmate's hand and the guy thanked him for it.
20. Hot Pockets. Worth the pain.
I got up one night to get some water, and found that my teenage son was in the kitchen getting food. He was behind the kitchen counter, so I could only see him from the waist up.
When he came around the counter into the hall, two things happened simultaneously: He noticed me, and his eyes grew wide in horror; and I saw that he was butt-naked except for a pair of socks.
He starts trying to panic-run backwards on the tile floor (imagine Scooby Doo trying to run but getting stuck in place in a flurry of limbs), but ended up slipping and taking a hard seat on the tile. Worst of all, he dropped his Hot Pocket. I made sure he was ok, then went back to bed and laughed my @ss off.
Years later, we were driving and reminiscing about funny memories. I said, "Do you remember that night--" and he cut me off with, "Yes." I didn't even have to specify which night. We knew, and we were silent.
19. When ya can't even sneak...
In my early teens I used to choke the chicken on the bed all the time. My bed had a loose board on the headboard that would kind of make this clacking sound.
As a naive child, I assumed nobody could hear it. Turns out everybody - my older sisters, my mom, dad, and even my aunt who stayed with us a lot - heard me ALL THE TIME and knew exactly what was going on.
I learned this about 4 years after moving out when we all got together and got drunk one night, and on my way up to the bedroom my drunk-ass mom goes "We don't want to hear that headboard clanking tonight or you're going to be washing those sheets!" Everyone laughed.
I was like "wut" and then thought about it all night. Nobody acknowledged it at breakfast. Good GOD that was awful.
18. Oh the days of magazines...
My father and I had a porn cold war. There has been a tacit agreement never to speak of it, and we haven't.
When I was a teenager, my mother found my porn stash. Both parents confronted me with it when I got home from school. And of course confiscated it. And of course threw it in the bin.
Or so I thought.
Months later, I happened upon my collection, hidden at the bottom of my dad's wardrobe. Hidden. From my mother, clearly.
So I took it back and hid it in my bedroom. What's he going to do? Tell my mother I'd taken the porn he'd hidden from her that he was supposed to have thrown out?
And he found it again. And took it back. And hid it.
This went on for years. And it's never been mentioned.
And it never will be.
17. When you gotta go you gotta go.
My husband and I work at the same small office. We were the first ones in that morning and other employees usually don't show up for another hour or so. There's only one bathroom on our floor as it's a small business.
Anyway, I had just had some habanero spicy thing the day before and I was in for some punishment on this particular morning.
I'm talking doubled over, clutching your stomach, your farts are fire-punishment. I hear a knock on the bathroom door and I assume it's my husband.
"Hang on I'm having the habanero squirts. I'll be out as soon as I can," I groan out between awful spirting sounds. I hear a female voice awkwardly reply, "Oh...okay."
Sorry Stacy for pulling you into my terrible morning...
16. If it had hit someone...
My wife and I were at my cousin's apartment in a big city. They have a balcony on the 40th something floor. We were all outside on the balcony drinking some beers and getting a little drunk.
My wife rests her beer can (thank god it was a can and not a bottle or glass) on the railing of the balcony. I scold her and go to move it when my half drunk and clumsy self knocks it off and we watch in horror as it falls in slow motion 40 stories and hits the ground like a bullet next to a crowd of people. We never mentioned it to anyone.
15. These things happen.
My boyfriend had to give me an enema once.
14. Poor Donny.
When my best friend died, we figured he would have liked a 'sky burial' kind of.
So at the height of the funeral party we released his ashes into heavens with a giant balloon.
After a few meters of flight the string has snapped, and his remains covered the mourning crowd.
Everyone made their best efforts to get very drunk as soon as possible.
We will never speak of this ever.
13. If that snot love, I dunno what is.
The smoking hot guy I met the prior weekend asked me out and, naturally, I said yes. Because I'd just met him, I asked if I could drive, and he said no problem.
On the way to get some grub, we're cruising along with the perfect tunes playing in the car, windows down, on an absolutely beautiful night. He looks over, I look over.... we're both just sparkling, you know? It was one of those "moments" where you want to take a mental snapshot.
Aaaaannnd THEN...... I guess we must have driven through an area of something he was allergic to? Because he sneezed a couple small ones, then with one MASSIVE blow, HONKED a HUUUUUGE wad of SNOT aaaaaallllll over my windshield and dashboard!
But, unbelievably, that's NOT the worst part. Nooooo. He pretended like it DIDN'T HAPPEN, and went about talking, and scooping it up with his HANDS and smearing it ONTO HIS PANTS!
I. Was. BEYOND. Mortified. I was throwing up in my mouth, my eyes were watering, and he didn't want me to pull over to get it cleaned up? We had to go to dinner like that, with SNOTTY PANTS!!
Sigh...... I ended up marrying him. We have NEVER, EVER spoken of it again, not even 40 years later.
Edit: Holy SNOT balls Batman, THIS has blown up! Thanks for all the excellent karma! Wish I could show the hubster the post but.... ya know.... IT'S IN THE VAULT!!!
12. "Just a cramp."
After a house party when I was a teenager me and my friend both passed out on my bed. About 2/3 hours later I woke up with horrendous cramp in my leg so I've sat on the edge of the bed massaging it trying to get rid of it.
My friend woke up and thought I was rubbing one out but got too awkward to ask wtf was going on. He never said anything until the next morning when he was giving me a weird look.
I'd prefer we never speak of it again...he loves twisting the story to any girls on nights out.
We were at a friends hanging out. He invited a few girls over and one of the guys knew where his "nut rag" was kept. Someone went to the kitchen and used tongs to grab it and show off. The girls asked what it was and we began to just silently sit there thinking of something.
When I was a teenager I got really stoned one day and when I got home I went for a shower. It was only me and my sister in the house. While still incredibly high I got shampoo in my eyes.
In a little panic I slipped and ripped the shower curtain down.. Fell out the bath.. Hit head on radiator and landed with my arm down the toilet.
My sister burst in to see what had made a huge crashing sound, there's me.. naked, wrapped up in a shower curtain on the floor with my arm down the toilet.
12 years later and it's never been brought up.
10. "Wait, you're robbing me?"
My parents had to help me get home after an unfortunate event with a dominatrix in Lithuania where I got robbed while strapped down naked on the bed, she took off and I had to be "rescued" by the Lithuanian police.
9. He wasn't wrong.
15 years old, I wander into the living room in my boxers, hand down the front, enjoying being home alone. President George W. Bush is on TV talking about cloning. With little understanding of what he is talking about, I yell at the top of my lungs, "WE'RE F*CKED!"
When I was home alone and a teenager, I liked to get wacky like this, probably just an outlet of excess energy and my general facade of being a decent kid. Dance around, yell random things, basically if you saw me in private at any point in these years you would have thought I was mentally ill (hell, maybe I am, who can say?)
Unfortunately for me I was not home alone and my mom was in the living room watching this unfold. She yelled at me in shock at my behavior, it was probably top 10 most embarrassed I've ever been in my life, and it was never discussed again.
Some years ago, the toilet in my kids' bathroom got really clogged. Like impossibly clogged. Nothing, not even one of those toilet snake thingies could unclog it.
It was so bad that I literally took the the toilet bowl apart and removed it from the mounting, determined to see just what the hell clogging it. Finally, after some poking and prodding around, I dislodged a small canister of hairspray - you know those like travel-size versions, about 5 inches high and maybe 1.5 inches in circumference.
Confused ,I asked my son if he knew how that could have gotten in there. He had a horrified look on his face, as if I had dug something up out of a grave. He was about 13 or 14 at the time, so suddenly I had an idea of what was going on. He tried to explain it away as "Oh I was just fooling around and trying to see what I could flush down the toilet, haha," but I knew his @ss was lying.
I totally knew he was trying to stick that thing up his butt and that it fell in. I gave him a look as if to say "I know they truth but I'm not gonna push the matter," and we never spoke of it again. I covered for him when I spoke to my wife and just told her that I think the kids were just fooling around and it fell in.
7. Sibling shenanigans.
I got into a car accident for the first time in my life when my younger brother was visiting me. I wasn't paying attention (dumb) to the car in front of me and I rear-ended them pretty hard.
Luckily no one was hurt, we exchanged information, took pictures, but there was no noticeable damage so we left it at that.
I looked at my brother and we both agreed never to bring it up again. I gave him that car when he turned 18.
6. Awful lotta fuss over a pill...
At school, this kid and I found a pill on the counter, and we chucked it into a urinal full of piss for whatever reason. About an hour later a teacher pulls me out of class asking what I had found in the bathroom.
Apparently this kid told the school I had found a pill, and the school wanted it. I was taken to the office and they were demanding this pill from me, which I just didn't have.
I lied and said I threw it away, and they demanded that I go search the trash for it. I was silently freaking out knowing that if I didn't come back with this pill, I could probably get in serious trouble.
They sent this kid and I to go search the trash, and while in the bathroom we looked at each other and knew what had to be done. I reached into this piss hole, grabbed the partially -dissolved pill, and dried it off with a paper towel.
We told each other that this piss grab will never be spoken about under any circumstance. We gave the pill to the school and they asked why it was kind of dissolved. We told them it was wrapped in a wet paper towel when we threw it away and they believed it.
When I scored on the wrong hoop in a basketball game when I was 8. My sister unfortunately never signed the non disclosure agreement.
4. No divine intervention.
Many many years ago I went to this Jesus Woodstock festival. Basically a 3 day Christian music fest. We got there after dark. Set up our tents.
I use a wad of tp, toss it into the hole, but it's strangely floating. I realize I fucking pissed on the brand new portapotty with the toilet lid still closed. I felt immediate shame. I had to release my guilt and confided in my bff later that night. She did the same exact f*cking thing.
Had to use the bathroom and ran to the portapotty without flashlights cuz we were 17 and beyond dumb. I pop a squat and am getting a TON of splash back- idk how it's so filled, it's the first night.
3. Good thing it wasn't actual brain surgery.
I was working IT for a hospital and a neurosurgeon had ordered a new lamp for his microscope. It came in through IT instead of engineering for some reason, so it fell to me to drop it off to him. When I did, he asked me to fit it as well. Medical equipment isn't my field, but the instructions were right there on the box, so I did.
Okay, cool. New lamp fitted, I can see it shining through the housing. So why wasn't the PC capturing any image from the microscope? The surgeon didn't know either, it had been like this for weeks. I didn't know microscopes, but I did my best to troubleshoot. Lamp on, check. Comms cord plugged in and seated tightly, check. The PC is receiving a signal, but for some reason it's a completely blank signal.
Neither one of us could figure out the problem, so we called up a medical engineer who took one long look at the microscope from across the room and announced that the lens cap was on. The brain surgeon and me shared a single humiliated glance and silently promised each other never to talk about this moment. A promise I've broken for your enjoyment.
2. A Thanksgiving memory for the ages.
My husband and I were going to Thanksgiving dinner at the house of some of my dad's family that I only kind of knew. We got there, knocked, and a woman I didn't recognize let us in.
We went into the home and there wasn't anyone there, there was no dinner, etc. So we're making small talk with this lady and I ask when everyone is coming. She asks what I mean.
Turns out we were at the wrong house. The woman just thought we were friends of her husband, because he would randomly bring people home, and that we had simply arrived before he did.
1. Same, can't.
Trying to teach my new at the time girlfriend how to drive my manual car. She told me she had done it a few times and knew what she was doing.Fast forward ten minutes and I no longer have a front bumper.
She continues with "I cant believe I did this! You're friends and family are gonna think I'm an idiot!" I just replied with "I did this" and we havnt spoke of it since. Everyone thinks im the idiot
Nurses are heroes! They are never appreciated enough and underpaid. And just because they don't get enough respect from the higher-ups, or all the knowledge they have to be sure of but mostly because they have to deal with the front lines and the worst and sometimes stupidest of humanity. Granted we're all scared as patients and have questions but Lord... get it together people!
Redditor u/Caged_Tiger wanted the nurses out there to express themselves by asking.... Nurses of Reddit. What is your most "I can't believe I have to explain this" moment?
40. Neck it out!
Was giving a grown patient IV Benadryl for a rash and itching on the upper body. The IV was in the right arm so I started to give the medication into the right arm.
The patient panicked when I said I was done. "What do you mean you're done? You only put it in my right arm my left is itching too!"
39. I love bread!
Spent WAY too long having to explain to a celiac patient that white bread was still made out of wheat and that's why she was still sick. Nutritionist had already been over it several times and then called me in to try to convince her. Teammaj
38. Please stop Breeding!
24 y/o female pt with frequent UTIs, I explained that peeing after sex can help prevent them.
She says she always pees after sex, she doesn't want to get pregnant! Had to give her a brief rundown on sex ed and her own body (Her parents made her get bc shots). zorasrequiem
Had to explain to a patient, and his family, multiple times that although he does have a defibrillator now he still needs to take his heart medicine.... a real headache of a conversation. attractiveepidermis
Just shock me alive boys. Bobblefighterman
36. Just NOOO!!!
Got a phone call in the ER from a diabetic who said her sugar was reading "high" (that typically means over 400 or 500) and I told her she should come to the ER asap, and she asked "Should I drink some sweet tea until then?" Um... NO!!
That sounds like a reasonable solution to low blood sugar, does she actually not know the difference? Pulsar_the_Spacenerd
Got a call from a discharged patient.
"So I'm wearing these depends..."
"Do I need to change them everyday?"
"Uhh yeah... or when they're soiled."
"Okay and should I clean myself up after that?"
"Yes. Yes, please."
We thought we were being punked.
34. Alfredo or Marinara?
Did you then have to explain that, ideally, his wife would have to chew the spaghetti first anyway? Skin_Bank
33. Just Nod....
Painkilling suppositories come in individual foil packets.
After my c-section, the nurse handed me one and said "Don't forget to take the foil off." I looked at her and went "... nooooooooo! Somebody did that?" She gave me this really tired look and nodded. Ouch.
32. Where was your mom?
I, a male nurse, had to explain to a 25 year old female what her period was. She came to the ED and was concerned she had cramping and vaginal bleeding monthly.
Thought for sure I was being pranked by co-workers. Nope. HerpieMcDerpie
31. Men are Useless....
Did labor and delivery for awhile. We typically inserted catheters after the epidural.
A lot of women would ask how they could push the baby out if something was in that hole... had to explain to many ADULT women the urethra and vagina are, in fact, not the same hole.
30. Can I get an "A?!"
Not a nurse, but have kind of a funny related story. It was one of those "you know what you call someone who gets all C's in nursing school? A nurse." moments.
Was in the ER with a family member who was basically dying of old age. They had to put a catheter in and asked us to step out.
It took for damn ever. Like way longer than I know it takes usually. When we came back in they had forgotten to close the web browser on the computer. It was opened to a google search of "female urethra."
29. It's just Chicken!
Having to explain to a patient family that they should NOT be bringing fried chicken and French fries to a patient only a day out from a stroke definitely ranks up there. Archturus
28. Not just for Employees...
It ia weird to me to explain women (I work in gynecology) that I escort to toilet, that they have to wash their hands after they pee. You would not believe how many of them does not wash. bojslo
27. No sex please!
Paramedic here. Got a couple great ones.
Woman had a fluid retention issue which caused her legs and feet to swell up with all the extra fluid.
Her response to this was... I kid you not... to alternate soaking her feet in boiling water then in rubbing alcohol because it, "made the skin feel tighter." As you can probably imagine the skin had basically rotted off of her feet.
This guy called because of a hard painful lump on his rectum. I take a look. Sure enough it's just a hemorrhoid. Start giving him some basic advice, get some cream, don't strain when you poop, take a stool softener, etc.
As an afterthought I throw in and no intercourse in the rear. And he goes, "what? Really?" Well yes. Putting anything up there will aggravate it.
He sighs dramatically and says, "well I guess no sex for me then!" And stomps away. I can probably come up with a few more but those are the most obvious.
26. Not always a happy ending!
I had a DNR/AND patient who was clearly going into the second phase of septic shock. Despite explaining that the man is actively dying the wife, who is a nursing instructor herself, made me call the doctor.
The doctor proceeds to order 2 Liter bolus of normal saline and blood cultures. We essentially drowned his veins with fluids and his blood pressure didn't come back up, not to mention causing him unnecessary pain pricking him with needles.
The patient died before the culture results came back. NottheArkhamKnight
25. Wrong End....
A patient came into a&e and said that the tablets given to him where giving him a lot of stomach pain and not helping him. He was prescribed suppositories. The patient was swallowing them... bobyd
24. Take the Shot!
I'm not a nurse, but I worked at the front desk of a family practice clinic for two years. I received a call on day from a patient swearing up and down that he need a Syphilis shot.
That is an STI and I told him that he needed to speak with his Doc before we could do any kind of shot, but he insisted. I went to to Immunizations Tech to confirm our protocol, and he said the same thing.
I picked up the phone again and repeated the protocol, but they refused to listen. I went to Immunizations Tech and asked if he would be willing to speak to the patient as he wasn't listening to me (some patients like to think that you're just a dumb front desk clerk), and he said he would.
After speaking with the patient for about then minute the Immunizations Tech came to the front desk and explained that the patient actually needed the Japanese Encephalitis shot. I couldn't stop laughing. Deadamisa911
23. Once More with Feeling....
Used to work in an ER in Chicago. We treated a kid with the flu that had a fever. Gave him some Tylenol, fever came down, sent him home.
Three hours later the family returned complaining that the fever came back. His nurse had to go explain that you had to give the tylenol AGAIN, and one dose doesn't just magically fix the flu. Organtrafficjam31
22. Not the Poop!
My wife is a Medical Assistant at a pediatrics office.
She had a parent of a boy who was probably 6 or 7 say, in the most calm and nonchalant tone, "My son really likes to eat his own poop. Is this normal? Is this healthy?"
My wife's jaw dropped and had to tell this mom just how unhealthy it is and how abnormal eating YOUR OWN POOP is. crawlnstall
21. Who doesn't know wine?!
Not in the hospital but while I was in nursing school my prof had to explain to a peer of mine that wine was an alcoholic beverage.
The student went on to pass nursing school even though we lost almost half of the students we started with. sllaBwithhairontheB
20. Obviously, right?
I had to explain TO a nurse while tattooing her that sticking her finger IN her fresh, bloody tattoo was cross contamination...
19. You ARE the mother.
Not a nurse but I was the idiot. After having my daughter via c section I was out of it completely and then very disoriented.
Nurse comes over to check on us and I asked if I was allowed to pick my baby up. I have never seen a look of alarm like it! She just said "well... Yes...she's YOUR baby."
This isn't a stupid question. I know you haven't given us all the context but there are plenty of reasonable reasons to want to check with someone first.
I've had to educate patients not to use their stoma (a piece of intestine) to have sex.
17. Potassium overdose?
Literally last week we had a guy come into the ICU with a K of 8.8.
Apparently he had had low K when he went to his PCP the week before so they gave him a supplement and he started popping them like candy.
16. Really though...
Fun story: My Doctor once had to explain the word 'fat' to me.
I'm a Brit, she was from NZ and I thought she was saying 'fet' and didn't know what that was.
I imagine your doctor saying "you know..." puffing up her cheeks and pantomiming a large belly.
I love it when this happens. I'm from NZ, and I mentioned to my friends in the US that I had been working outside on my deck.
The "e" sound in a kiwi accent sounds like an "i" sound in an American accent.
15. No fun allowed.
Mental health nurse- Having to explain to a patient why he can't have his adult toys while on the ward. Also super fun time searching his property when he arrived on the ward.
This is what happens if you keep prescribing CBT.
I got mercilessly teased when I was doing a belongings search and found ben-wa balls. I was like 22 and had no clue what they were.
I was christened "Perl Wa" and even had a sign on my locker with my new name. Mental health staff are nothing if not fun!
14. Good fat bad fat.
So I have a real issue with sticking with a career so am both a nurse and was formerly a private chef. I'm well rounded I guess.
At a family gathering an aunt asked me about healthy diet options. I touted avocados as an excellent source of healthy fat.
Cue shrill, mocking laughter from my now estranged SIL. Sil had maxed out at the high school diploma but told everyone she had gone to culinary school because she took a few elective cooking classes.
"Healthy fat? There is no such thing as healthy fats. Fat is fat. God, you're funny." Total mocking condescension.
I stared at her blankly and said "I'm surprised they didn't touch on diet at all in CULINARY SCHOOL." And then resumed my other conversation.
"Yeah and AS A NURSE I'd think you'd know about diet."
I stared blankly again. "Yes, I do. Google it"Pure_Pace
13. Help, but from afar.
My best were all from tele-nursing, covering for an OB office.
I had to explain to a grandmother....that it was NOT normal for the cord to be hanging out of her very pregnant granddaughter.
I had to explain to a girl that her unborn child doesn't "eat when she eats" and that it's ok if she missed a meal.
Another lady was concerned that her unborn child may catch the stomach bug that was going around.
For me I hated trying to explain that it's dangerous to reuse your insulin needles. However I use to feel for the low income patients and try to remind them if they just come in we could put some together for them. Broke my heart.
One of my clients was being treated for a pretty serious abscess on her foot. He doctor wrote nursing orders for wound care, which is pretty standard.
The RN shows up on the first day and the client was utterly confused. The client thought the safest way to treat a wound was to bandage it and to leave the bandages in place until the wound completely healed.
10. Oh boy.
That there are people of various ethnicity that would be taking care of them and that "that Muslim doctor" would in fact be just as good as "a white doctor." Patient was not particularly old or even confused.
9. Oof, really?
I had a labor patient that had just received her epidural. When I went to place a urinary catheter to keep her bladder drained, her husband said "If you put that in, how's the baby going to come out?"
8. To think, these people are out there.
Worked at a veterinary ER practice in college.. had a couple bring in their sick puppy.As we were gathering info about what happened, the wife started giving "raspberries" (blowing with her mouth on the dogs tummy)... but on his "bellybutton." Spoiler alert: it wasn't.
Urine is not stored in your scrotum and I would be very concerned if it was.
I mean...they're called "peanuts" because pee is stored in the nuts. That's just science.
My wife had a patient that said she was having problems with her 'pink lady.'
My wife didn't know what she was talking about, so she asked a fellow nurse, who replied 'she's talking about her snatch, Angie!"
Wife asks other nurse, "what's a snatch?" She was 35 at the time.
Why can't people just say vagina? I mean, come on.
5. So. Many. Questions.
I'm a pharmacist. I had to explain to a woman how to wipe herself after using the bathroom.
4. Wait for it...
A woman that came in with a broken tib/fib on the orthopedic surgery ward who was on strict non-weight bearing orders to her broken limb was hell bent on getting herself downstairs so she could have a cigarette.
It took two of us nurses to kindly explain to her that she would permanently f*** up her leg if she did so.
Another favorite is the patients who answer "no" when you ask them on admission if they have high blood pressure. Their pre-admission medication list shows they are on Norvasc, Cozaar, etc.
"What are you on this medication for?" "Oh, that's my blood pressure pill. My blood pressure used to be high but not anymore."
Edit: Just remembered a patient with an infected leg ulcer that we found a raw chickpea inside. The family said it was "holistic medicine." I'm all for people using alternative approaches if they believe it helps unless it is causing actual harm.
3. Stupid is as stupid does.
My girlfriend works in healthcare - though not a nurse- and the number of people that simply refuse to hear an unwelcome message is unreal.
Example she told me: person has lung cancer. Is told this is most probably from smoking. "Most probably?" Asks the patient.
I then explained that of course there is hardly ever a single thing that can be pinpointed to the development of cancer, but that 86% (might have the incorrect number) of the lung cancers is attributed to smoking and that it is rare to see lung cancer in someone who has never smoked.
Patient walks to family waiting outside and my girlfriend hears the patient literally say "doctor said it's not from smoking."
Super late but my aunt was giving a malnourished 1-month-old an infusion (idk what for) the child was mostly healthy but the mom had HIV. The father asked if the infusion is going to "help him speak" because he "didn't speak yet".
1. Sensing a theme here.
I work in burns, and any burn/trauma nurse can tell you a good portion of their patients are just admitted because of poor life decisions. Here are some conversations I've had.
Don't put accelerants on a campfire/bonfire. (Gas/kerosine/diesel).
Don't go back into a burning house/vehicle/airplane.
Don't put accelerants on bonfires. This includes aerosol cans of stuff. Those blow up.
Don't make meth unless you have an advanced degree in the field.
Don't put accelerants on bonfires. Even if it "Just won't light."
Don't let your pot handles hang over the edge of the stove where your kid can reach.
Don't put accelerants on bonfires, even if you've "been doing it for years."
Don't pick up containers of flaming grease and oil.
Don't put accelerants on bonfires. Diesel is an accelerant.
Don't keep electric cigarettes in your pocket.
If you wear oxygen, don't smoke with it on/in your lap.
Don't burn trash. You don't know what the f's in there. Probably accelerants.
Don't dispose of excess gunpowder by lighting it on fire.
DON'T. PUT. ACCELERANTS. ON. YOUR. GADDAM. FIRE. 🔥🔥🔥🔥DeLaNope
There are plenty of stories floating around the internet about horrible landlords, and they most certainly exist. The flip side is also definitely true, though. Some of these things horrible tenants have done to rental properties will blow your mind.
Reddit user u/TheChuckie asked:
My mother owns a house on the coast she inherited from her aunt and rents it out to people now that she's moved. Makes great money considering it's a decent sized town and the house is close to the beach.
She doesn't allow animals due to the old wool carpets that are not easily replaceable. But she legally can not keep children out.
I didn't see it for myself, but after several attempts to contact the tenants, she drove down there herself and let herself in. Place was a pigsty. Diapers, vomit, baby food everywhere, literal sh-t smeared on the wall and flung onto the ceilings; carpets were soaked and stained. Tenants were no where to be found. She talked to the neighbor and they'd apparently been gone for a month. Had to get the police to track them down.
I wasn't old enough to remember this, but my dad tells me the story once in a while. We rented our second floor to this older lady who always was behind on her bills and tried every excuse in the book to postpone or not pay them. Well one day, my dad and her got to the house at the same time so he was able to confront her about some payments that were very late, and she was like "Oh I have the money upstairs. Just follow me".
While they were heading upstairs, she dialed 911, unbeknownst to my dad, and when they got upstairs she was stalling pretending to look for the money until a cop car came. When she heard the car, she started screaming and pushing my dad.
Fortunately for us, the lady was keeping a secret roommate without my parents knowledge, and she happened to be in one of the rooms and heard the whole thing. She came out of the room while the officer was starting to apprehend my dad and explained to the officer what actually happened
Son of a landlord.
I was sent to clean out a garage unit for a few extra bucks. brought a guy with me because it was a lot. Turns out the lady who'd been renting the unit had been secretly living in the garage for months. We threw out family photos, one particularly odd couch that we had to break into pieces just to lift it out of there, and the piece de resistance....
four five gallon buckets full of human waste. We didn't know it was human waste until the last bucket was on the truck and the lid popped off and splashed a little bit.
I have never smelled anything so foul.
Rented to a couple with iffy credit. Met them and both seemed ok. Guy was a truck driver and Lady worked in retail. Confirmed employment and decided to give them a chance.
Rent was paid on time for 3 months or so. Then it started to be late. Then one month is stopped. Always some excuse why they couldn't at least pay SOMETHING towards the rent. So, I started the eviction process which turned out to be a very lengthy process where I live. Went a little something like this
File eviction paperwork with court
Get court date
Show up on court date. Tenants do not. Instead of granting the eviction, court date was rescheduled.
2nd court date. They show up. Judge wants us to talk to each other to work something out before he makes his judgement. Yelling ensues and I'm granted the eviction because I have meticulous records and Guy is a douche. They know they have to leave though and I thought they'd go fairly quietly. However, I still had to file with the Sheriff to come physically evict them. I'm hoping that isn't necessary because that means more time. But, alas, tenants never leave.
6 more weeks later Sheriff deputies come to evict them and the house is trashed. Holes in drywall, stains on the carpet, doors ripped off cabinets.
Spend about $10,000 fixing their mess plus 8 months of lost rent from the time they stopped paying until they were physically evicted. I learned a very expensive lesson to only rent to people with good credit with solid employment history. I have a strict set of criteria and I always stick to it. No chances given based on a good feeling on prospective tenants. If they don't meet the criteria, they don't rent the house.
A family of hippies. And I mean full-on, flowers-in-their-hair, guitar-playing, kumbaya-singing, smelled-like hippies. I used to manage a complex of town houses, and they moved into one of our houses.
After four days, they threw a huge fit about how they'd had to take their daughter to the ER due to "radiation" from a nearby cell tower. They told us they were moving out immediately and demanded an on-the-spot refund of their deposit.
Of course, I said no and went to check the town house. It was completely destroyed. There were black marks and baseball-sized holes all over the walls. The carpet had been torn up and the entire place smelled of urine and feces (we later found animal feces under the carpet). It was just absolutely disgusting. Quite frankly, I was astonished that anyone could do that much damage in just 4 days.
...somehow I don't think the cell tower was what made their daughter sick. And needless to say, they didn't get their deposit back.
Lady was chronically late on the rent, wasn't paying the water bill, never mowed the back yard. The lease prohibited pets but she had I think 8 ferrets running loose in the basement (I don't know if you can litterbox train a ferret but these weren't) which smelled about as good as you could possibly expect.
My dad's friend owned a house and his tenant stopped paying rent. Dad's friend went over and the guy wouldn't open the door but shouted at him that he was done paying rent and would have to be evicted.
The tenant said that in that city he could expect an eviction to take x number of weeks/months and would cost x dollars in legal fees, apparently having had experience with this before. Tenant also said that if dad's friend slipped that amount of cash through the mail slot he would clean the house and be gone by the next day.
Dad's friend went to a lawyer who told him that the time and expense was about right.
Dad's friend put the cash in an envelope and slipped it through the mail slot. The next day the house was clean and empty.
patrick never paid his rent. patrick kept making excuses. patrick got evicted. patrick trashed the house and left his dog. patrick later went to jail because he tried to ROB A BANK
My dad rented out our old house. He thought he had a good tenant. Tenant even asked to repaint the interior if we deducted one months rent. Sounded good.
Then when they wanted to move out we got a look at the place. When they painted they used the cheapest paint, painted door knobs and outlets and left big paint strokes. Looked way worse than what it must have looked unpainted. And there were large holes torn in the carpet.
And none of the toilets worked, they just ran constantly. And they must have hung wet clothes on the bathroom faucets because none of those worked and were rusted beyond repair. My childhood home looked terrible and we had to repair.
Oh, the reason we thought he'd be a good tenant? He was an executive hire to run the local hospital. Seems him and his family must have just lived like pigs in that filth.
Two Apple engineers. They were a couple. They were taking a camera around and taking photos of every little thing they saw on the move-in inspection. This isn't necessarily unusual, but it is when you're snapping closeups of every square inch of the property.
3 months into their 3-year lease, they wanted out. It was "too expensive", despite the fact that my rent on a house is cheaper than most 1BR apartments here in Silicon Valley.
I refused. By CA law, they had the option of just leaving and forcing me to find a new tenant, but they chose instead to just damage everything.
- Drag parties. 200+-pound men dancing in stilettos are not kind to wood floors. $14000.
- Deliberately spilling onto carpets, also required replacing subfloor. $8000.
- Breaking outdoor tiles with a sledgehammer. $9000.
- Severe water damage in the bathroom from flooding the bathtub. So much damage that I had to repair the foundation. $180,000.
I evicted them and kept their security deposit. They sued me for it. I countersued for damages.
They broke into the property after repairs were completed and before I had new tenants, taking "moveout" photos to prove the house was in better condition when they left than when they moved in. They changed the date on their camera as "proof". The jury didn't believe me when I pointed this out.
The lawsuit took eight years. The court ultimately sided with me; I was awarded my damages, but not attorneys fees, which were more expensive than the $200+k it cost me to restore the property.
Moves into a house with five kids and just turns the place into a nightmare filled house of horrors, a church to her hoarding addiction. No pets allowed? OK make room for my 117 cats. Water damage, holes in the walls, broken windows. You name it, she'll destroy it. She never paid rent on time.
She asks the landlord what to do with garbage when moving out. He says put it on the curb. She doesn't clarify that she'll be putting 500 bags of hoarded garage. Giant piles of garbage bags attract possums, rats, wild animals galore and get us on the front of the newspaper, which is sitting on my desk when I come to school on Monday. House gets condemned and knocked down.
Move to the next house, same thing. 9 years go by. Condemned and knocked down. Next house, same thing. Condemned and knocked down.
Don't let my hoarder mother move into your property.
My friend's a landlord. He once evicted tenants in January after they had failed to pay rent for several months, even though he had tried to be patient with them. He owns several properties and didn't get over to that apartment for about a week. Turns out they had turned the heat all the way up, opened all the windows, and walked out. Cost him a fortune. He tried suing and lost.
My last tenant gave me the one month notice that I asked for, she waited until her lease was up so it was fine. One week into her last month and I get a phone call, she said she's moving that weekend so she's only going to pay one weeks worth of rent. "It's only fair". I said that is not how a lease works and I still have to pay the mortgage on the damn place!
She sends me a cheque for 1/4 of the rent and I just cashed and played dumb until she moved out. Took good care of the place and had no issues during the walk though when she moved out. Once I got the keys in my hand, I hand her the damage deposit minus 3 weeks worth of rent. She was furious, then I closed the door and locked her out.
One day a cable guy came to hook up my cable and through conversation learned my coworker is his landlord.
He went on a rant about how much of a d!ck my coworker is for charging him rent when "I wasn't even living there, I just had my stuff there." I feel bad for anyone who has him as a tenant.
Previous Leasing Agent here. This tenant is the Facebook Anarchist.
- Came in every day and requested that we fax documents. This person did this around three times a day. They didn't have a job. They just tried to sue people all day. That is all they did. They were unemployed and on rental assistance. It was easier for us to just fax the documents than to argue with them.
Posts on Facebook approximately 30-50 times a day. Personally, this is my favorite part. This person's grasp of spelling, grammar, and general sentence structure is such that reading their posts verbatim is gut wrenchingly funny. This person has, like, two people who comment on their posts. Most of the comments made on this person's posts are just them commenting on their own post. The content of the posts themselves are also incredible. They include, but are not limited to:
- Anti-government conspiracies
- Anti-women posts
- how they are "worth 100s of millions of dollars"
- How they are a hall of famer
- videos about politics
- videos about aliens
- videos about the conspiracies of political figureheads hiding aliens
- One time this person tried to organize a "business leaders of the world" conference at the shared pool. They invited stars and famous people such as The Rock. Nobody came. So they just requested that I take pictures of them by the hot tub. They posted them on Facebook.
- They once posted 72 pictures of themselves on Facebook on a single day. The only difference between the each picture was slightly different posture.
- We had a business center for tenants to use computers. This person used them most days for extended periods of time. I once walked by when they were playing very loud alien sounds and they had both index fingers touching the screen of the computer. I asked them to stop.
- We had roofers replace the roof on their building. We got several e-mails asking if the roofers could fix a problem on their balcony. I had to explain several times that they were contracted for a specific job and that the job they were doing was fixing the roof and not fixing their balcony.
- The issue of the balcony was regarding a panel they claimed was loose. There were no panels on the balcony. We sent maintenance over on more than one occasion and there was no panel. When questioned about the panel they usually tried changing the subject.
- US marshals contacted us and requested that if any gun shaped packages were shipped to this tenant to give them a call.
- This tenant tried to sue us on several occasions. They even used our own fax machine to fax the documents they were using to sue us. They faxed the documents to us. They used our own fax machine to send a document approximately 8 feet.
- Sent several lewd e-mails to one of the leasing agents. They were convinced that the leasing agent was trying to have sex with them. The e-mails are still in their file. Any time I needed a laugh I would read them.
- Makes poorly rendered Photoshop art mostly pertaining to Cleopatra.
- Calls themselves "director" because they make videos where they showcase their Cleopatra art paired with alien music.
There are probably more stories but I can't remember them right now.
My current tenant just moved out. I have (read: had) a beautiful home 3 years ago, 3 bedroom, fully solar, updated everything, nice bamboo floors. Enter my tenant.
Red flags were not immediate, she had a great history with prior residences, a couple of exceptions were made (she wanted to pay 100 less than I had listed, asking if she could plant things in the garden, etc).
Fast forward 6 months or so, rent starts being late. Not only late, but she would not let me know until the day rent was due that she needed to pay 3-4 days later.
When I could come by to collect the rent, she would tell me things were broken (disposal, sink clogged, etc). Which is all fine, but she would tell me it has been broken for 3 weeks and just now decided to tell me. We talk and text frequently about rent and other things, yet she could never inform me when stuff was broken until I dropped by.
This all came to a head when she got rats in the house. I go over to collect rent after 2 months not being there and holy hell. A fan globe was broken and the glass was all over the kitchen...for multiple days they told me (she had a 4 year old in the house too). The bathroom has roaches all in it, trash along the side of the house spilling out of cans, holes in the drywall (small, but there), blinds (nice wooden ones) strings broken, and the house smells awful like rat piss.
She tells me there have been rats there for a few weeks. Well I wonder if it has anything to do with all the trash outside and open food dishes in the sink that reek? I never in my life thought I would have to tell a grown woman with kids that yes, you need to put garbage in the garbage can. No, you cannot leave food out until it rots otherwise you get these lovely pests.
Anyway, even though it is in her lease to deal with rodent/pest control issues, I do it myself. I hire a company under contract to handle the whole thing for 1 year guarantee for like $1k. All she has to do is call the number I give her whenever she sees/hears a rat or anything.
Well guess what she does NOT do? She would occasionally text me saying she saw a rat. I saw call pest control to come take care of it, then nothing. This went on for 6 months, all the while rats chewed my stove wires (now not under warranty since they don't cover pest issues), clogged the dishwasher, wrecked my cabinets, etc.
They just moved out last week. Holes in the doors now, looks like they tried to crowbar the INTERIOR doors open for some reason, split jams, garbage left all over the yard front and back, my floors have this inexplicable grease all over and sticky things, her child drew in crayon all over the doors. It's a mess.
If you ever rent a place you care about, first stop caring about it and second BE CHOOSY and take the few months unrented to get someone you are SURE about.
Steven. He and his girlfriend moved in. They led us to believe he was employed full time and she was a student. Soon after we were dealing with him cooking/eating/using common areas at like 2-4am in the morning constantly, strong smells of like car battery in the early AM (probably tweaking). His attempts at cleaning consisted of trying to "mop" the walls/surfaces instead of wiping them down or just using the mop on the floor.. cringes.
Kept a puppy in the house/room at times when he thought no one was around, which was definitely a NONO. Late with rent on his second month, became hostile with all other housemates with almost any interaction or when asked to clean up his messes. Tried to pick fights with housemates to bait them to hit him or overreact, luckily we didn't..dude was a psycho...Ended up giving him his 30 days notice before he had been here his second month.
All the while his poor girlfriend who we all thought was in school, was actually pregnant with his kid and that's why she was always home, and they had been running from/avoiding her family, she was a nice girl, but you could tell she had no control in the relationship. Apparently it also came to light that maybe their relationship started when she was like 14-15, and he was probably 20 at the time, grooming her it seemed.
He threatened us with all kinds of legal action, actually did have to get a lawyer and make sure we were in the clear.
Worst 3 months with a tenant/housemate. We actually threw a party when they left, I can only imagine that poor girl's life, or the kids! Only have bad wishes for Steven since he was such a scumbag douchcanoe.
I have a friend who has always been a perpetual roommate (prolly to hold onto more of his paycheck living in the Bay Area). 5 houses ago he explained to me the the place he lived in was completely redone in part because the previous tenant spread kitty litter all over the carpet in one of the rooms. She then let her 6 cats sh!t all over that room like a giant litter box.
But I've heard that this is not as rare as it should be.
Kyle was a tweaker who believed that I was Satan incarnate. Kyle also likes to steal everyone's mail and break into random apartments. Kyle would go on a meth bender and trash his apartment and the commons areas until he did enough damage for the police to finally put him in jail for 1 night.
Kyle would get out and stalk me and my friends, showing up in restaurants where we were eating or at art galleries where we were touring, where he would follow us around and make threats. The police would tell Kyle "Don't do that, it's not nice" and then leave me to deal until his "lays a hand on you, then we can do something."
Kyle was why I started carrying a gun. Kyle was finally arrested for 17 counts of felony mail theft and drug possession, but Kyle got ror'd and came back to an eviction notice. Kyle then sh!t, pissed, bled all over his apartment and left needles in strange places, requiring us to replace all the appliances and flooring along with 12 ft window.
I do not have a tenant but my friend here, who doesn't have reddit, is telling me about a current tenant.
This couple, nicknamed dumb and dumber, are helpless. She overloaded the bathroom outlet and flipped the outlet switch. She didn't know all she had to do what push the button back in and she would have electricity again, so she calls an electrician who warns her it will be a minimum of $150 for him to drive out there and fix this. He walks in and spends less than a second pushing the button in.
She then sends the landlord the bill, which the landlord refused to pay. Calls asking who will clean their bathroom, mow their grass, can they come out to flip the breaker box for them, I don't like this fridge...buy us a new one, why is it a big deal if we are late with rent, our washing machine we moved in with isn't working well isn't it your job to buy us a new one, what is an air filter and why do I have to change it, I need someone to hold our mail while we go on vacation can you contact the post office? Two absolutely helpless adults with kids.
Oh, and I had to add this in. The air conditioner fails. She lets them know at maybe 9pm at night. They contact an HVAC repair company who will be out there in the AM. Instead of waiting less than 12 hours, she goes to the store in the middle of the night and buys multiple window units to install at 2am.
Which she cannot do, because outlets are too hard for her. She then tells the landlord they are responsible for repaying her for the multiple window AC units. HVAC guy had the AC repaired in less than an hour that morning. The tenant is still out $400 because legally the landlord doesn't have to pay her for that.
Worked for a property management company, and dog owners were the worst. We had several that didn't let their dogs outside. They just let them pee and poop inside. The most frustrating thing was dealing with them when they moved out, and they would get angry at not getting their deposit back.
One of my clients had the tenants from hell: things were going great for a year until they burned the house pretty severely from attempting to make hemp oil. Obviously, after this happened they attempted to kick them out. They refused to leave and even wouldn't let the contractors in to work on the property damages.
Finally, MONTHS pass and they get approval to have law enforcement force them out after not paying rent. Then they could finally work on getting the house fixed up again to rent out again. Once the house was fixed up, the old tenants broke into the home in revenge, poured cement down the drains, and turned on the faucets, thus flooding the entire house. So then comes the second property damage claim on their hands.
They do have new (and great) tenants now, and I know they have gotten the law involved at this point, but it's crazy how some people are so inconsiderate and entitled these days.
Tenant paid deposit and first month's rent. I'm guessing somebody got laid off real soon after, because they didn't move much in. After not paying second month, and not answering phone calls, it was time for eviction (which goes on record). Tenant makes up a story about police saying they couldn't come back after the shooting.
I have no idea what shooting they're talking about, but if they can produce a police report, we can cancel the eviction. Tenant goes to perfectly decent house and shoots up the back door. Eviction process continued and I had to get a new door installed.
Not a landlord, but I worked as a handyman one summer and we had to repair a house that was rented out by college students. We get inside and the place is absolutely trashed. There holes in the walls, in the doors, the windows were broken, cabinets ripped off and to top it all off, the entire place reeked of pee because the previous tenants locked their dog in a small room while they went home on vacation. We put an absurd amount of work into the house over a three-day span. I've never seen a house in that condition before.
But one day we were talking to the landlord and she makes the comment "These were the second-worst tenants we've ever had." My coworker and I look at each other and ask what the worst tenants were, because, like I said, it looked like a war was fought inside this house. She tells us that one time, the house had pretty similar damage, except before the tenants left, they filled hundreds of condoms with water and pinned them to the ceiling. I don't repair houses anymore.
The Dog Ladies.
Around 1993 friends of my father's friends bought a neighboring farm which came with a beautifully maintained classic country style 3 bedroom house. Having taken out a massive bank loan to buy the new farm they decided to rent out the house to help with payments.
A couple showed up, wanting to live their dream of country life with their 2 German Shepherd dogs. They were charming ladies and it sounded like a great match.
Fast forward 2 years:
They are almost 6 months delinquent on rent. The farmers are getting desperate, the ladies said if the landlords came on their property they would have them arrested. There is clearly WAY more than 2 dogs here! The ladies are not even living inside the house, only dogs are in the house... humans are living in a shabby old camper van now parked out front. Nothing has been maintained, the house is clearly falling apart, the lawn is just weeds, the stench can be detected well before you get near the house.
This has to end.
One blessed day... it did end. The ladies up and moved their camper van and they were gone.... but the dogs were still there. 1st call- SPCA. Now, this predates the internet carrying stories about massive animal hoards, but this would have been a major headline at the time: over 60 dogs were seized from inside the house, plus there were several decaying dead dogs found as well.
The dogs had chewed and eaten away all of the original woodwork, walls, a lot of the flooring, anything they could, even each other.
The urine and feces had caused everything to rot through, not one square inch of the home was salvageable.
It was heartbreaking when the demolition came. The original family had worked so hard to meticulously maintain this gorgeous country home, and it was all plowed under only 2 years later. It was a total loss. I was too young to know what happened with insurance companies, but I do know they did not rebuild.
My super told me this story about a guy who was getting evicted in our building a few years back. Apparently he was a real piece of work and hadn't paid rent in months. Anyway, he put off packing until the day before his eviction and left a bunch of trash and had slashed all his leather furniture and left it behind, and glued tinfoil on all the windows for some reason.
The unit was in a real state so they completely renovated it; new tile, new hardwood, new bathroom, the works...but they couldn't get rid of "the smell". A pungent fishy trash odor, made worse by it being summertime, which just permeated the entire unit. Even though it had been cleaned top to bottom, it wouldn't go away.
You know that spot under your kitchen sink cabinet, that flat baseboard-like piece that covers the empty space from the base of the cabinet to the floor? You guessed it, the evicted guy had apparently pried it open, stuffed it with raw fish-garbage and sealed that baby back up as his last 'f--- you' for being evicted. I don't know what sparked them to check, but it had been a couple weeks before they found it.
Son of a Landlord here. Parents own a four flat where I was born and raised at living on the top floor. About 10 years ago they had these two tenants living in the unit below them, I called them dumb and dumber, both males. I was around 25 at the time and just moved back in with my parents to save up some money to buy my first house. D & D were around the same age.
My parents ALWAYS stressed the importance to new tenants about the building being a quiet building, as stated in the lease: no parties, no loud music after 9 pm, just be respectful to your neighbors. Well D & D liked to party and have lots of late night company at least 5 nights a week. One night about 1 in the morning they were having a party. I was just getting back to the house finishing my smoke outside when I heard my mom knocking on D&D's door.
I heard her say knock off the party and keep it down as other tenants had already called to complain. As my mom got back to her apartment I finished my smoke and started walking up. As I walked past their door I heard one of them say "she's lucky I didn't answer the door, I would've snapped on her."
O HELL NO!! I'm a pretty big guy 6'5 240 lbs. so I had no problem knocking on their door. When I did the whole place went silent. One answers the door and I say"so who's gonna snap on who now?!?" They denied ever saying it, and apologized for the loudness yada yada yada.
I told them next time I'll just call the cops and if they want to party to move and find a different place to live and read the lease more carefully. I think I scared the sh!t out of them cause we didn't hear much from their apartment after. Other than that my parents have been kinda lucky with tenants.
I had a tenant that turned out to be my real estate agent (using someone else's credentials), and then stole my identity, bought an Audi and a Yamaha motorcycle and left me with the bill.... oh, and he put holes in all the walls and didn't pay rent. It's a longer story than that, but he was caught, and now he is housed in prison.
obligatory not a landlord but I did work at a property management company for about a year.
There was a couple that seemed super nice. they were polite and young, literally no red flags. we helped them fill out the application, the landlord told them all the rules (no pets without deposit, don't break stuff, the usual)
after 4 months of their year long lease, they just left. when one of my coworkers went to check up on them, she found that the house was TRASHED. there was shit covering the walls, duct tape over all the windows, needles scattered. there was even a bunch of blood stains in one of the bedrooms. oh and they punched a few holes in the walls and ceilings, and clogged all 3 toilets.
they were apparently heroin addicts, and let their friends use their place as well to do other heroin addict activities.
took a long time to get that place livable again.
Not mine but my Mother's. She rented an apartment unit to a guy who wanted us to replace the normal toilet with a bidet. As the toilet worked perfectly fine and to rip it out and replace it with a bidet was unnecessarily expensive, she refused. The guy didn't contest it so we thought everything was fine. Fast forward to a year later and the downstairs neighbour complains of leakage.
We check the unit and it turns out the guy replaced the toilet with a bidet himself, only he did a bad job of installing it properly so it constantly leaked. Instead of fixing it, he had let the water accumulate and never bothered to mop it up so the bathroom was filled with stale water, had mold growing in patches, and the water had leaked through the tiles and ruined the floor. He didn't get his deposit back.
My dad rents out houses. He does it for a good price (1000+ a month for 3 bedrooms or 4). One day he had to evict someone since they hadn't paid anything to him for months (my dad is the type to work things out with you if you come to him and describe the problem or whatever).
This lady had like 2 kids but when she "moved out" she left her car in the garage and she made sure to trash the place. Completely. Floors over filling with trash,walls with holes punched in with every room. At the time my family helped in cleaning the place so in middle school for one weekend I was there picking up some grown women's trash and cleaning the garage and trying to help the best I could.
These kids weren't the worst tenants I've ever had but didn't pay rent and left the place trashed when they were evicted. The girl calls one day and asks if she can have a hamster. I said "no, you can't have a hamster and if you have money for a hamster then I'd recommend paying your rent that's 2 months late." She says "its my birthday money". She learned the hard way that when you're about to be evicted 'birthday money' doesn't exist anymore. Spoiler: she bought the hamster.
More of a "Worse situation involving a tenant" situation. I was managing a high rise unit block a couple of years back. Got a call from another tenant complaining of an ungodly smell in the corridor. Went to check it out and sourced the smell from a particular unit on that floor where I knew an elderly lady lived.
Knocked on the door a couple times with no answer so used my master key to enter. The poor lady had fallen and died, about a month prior. With the summer heat her body had pretty much liquified. To this day I can still remember the smell. I threw up almost instantly and couldn't sleep for days.
A lot of people dump their elderly family members into condos and forget about them when they should be placed in assisted living facilities. Very sad.
My Dad and I bought a 4 plex, well he bought it and I was living there and was the manager. I was nervous being only 22 and not having any experience managing a property. This was a couple months in and we were in the backyard when a girl comes out with a puppy. She was not someone we recognized so we started talking to her. She proceeded to tell us the following:
1. Hi, I just moved in apartment 1 (not on lease with our knowledge) 2. My puppy (dogs weren't allowed especially puppies) 3. has worms (diarrhea everywhere). 4. Oh, can you wait to cash my rent check, I don't think I have enough in my account (late rent/possible bounced check).
It's not that it was that bad of a situation but being new to the job we were speechless. She ended up moving out because we didn't allow dogs.
I bought a nice ranch home in my early 20's and after about 10 years I decided to move closer to my work at the time and rent the house out.
First tenants were great.
Second tenants had a solid work and rent history. First month went smooth, then no payment at all. Never got another dime from them for almost two years while I was trying to evict them. Went to court several times, the judge kept letting it drag out. Husband was a drunk and blew all the money on beer.
I got rid of the house after that. I did get lucky as it wasn't trashed or torn up.
The hoarders. I can't sort them from worst to...less worse, but I'll tell you I've seen 5 that have used their bathroom as storage to the point that they can no longer use that bathroom. The thing about toilets is that wax rings will eventually dry out and crack if you don't keep them moist with occasional flushes. Once they crack, they leak into the unit below and I have to be an ahole and barge into your unit, empty the bathroom, and stop the leak.
It was always super gross and I always took a shower once I got home because plumbers refuse to do the empty-crap-out-of-the-bathroom job. Understandably.
Flush the toilet you don't use regularly, people!
I had a tenet that I evicted recently. They were constantly late on rent. Never paid the water bill. But the icing on the cake was they said they had no pets, but actually had a dog and a cat. That would have been fine if they told me and paid the additional deposit and pet rent.
The dog chewed up all of the baseboards and tore up and through carpet all over the house.
I went through their Facebook to investigate when pets started living in my unit. It was literally from day 1. I asked the tenet about the pets and they said"no we don't have any". I asked why there was a post with a leash on it going under the back door. They had no answer. So I sent them a bill for all of the back pet rent and pet deposit along with paying all the late fees owed and water bill.
They moved out without telling me. I secured the property after they didn't pay for 2 months. All of the damage was shocking. I'm still trying to collect, but they are doing everything they can to not pay.
This woman who never paid rent on time (if at all), left a metric ton of garbage everywhere, and destroyed almost every surface to some extent. Then after we evict her she has the audacity to not pay us the, like, $25k+ she owes us and changes credit companies and moves to another state to avoid paying it.
One of my current lodgers. Never pays on time, says that I knew he couldn't pay on time so I was unfair in renting to him, doesn't do dishes, plugs his own Ethernet into the modem because the house wired internet is "too slow"(all cat6a btw), took care of my dogs one time and just covered their pee and poo with paper towels because he forgot to let them out. His lease is up in a few weeks.
Had two 'artists' that lived in a unit and had put in several hundred drywall plugs into the ceiling. Why? So they could suspend mannequin parts from the ceiling. They were also dealing meth out of the apartment, and their place had a substantial infestation. We were moving to evict, but cops came and arrested them. Aside from the drugs and the fake body parts that were everywhere, the cops also found a cachet of weapons. When the cops came to arrest the guy, he was in bed with a hooker, and they made him put on pants.
I once had to rent a u-haul to haul off trash from a one bedroom apartment because there was so much. I stopped counting trash bags after the 3rd box of 30 trash bags was used. I had to repaint the walls and install new flooring throughout because of the smell. The roaches took 3 weeks to die. The apartment still has a faint odor that I can't get rid of.
As someone looking for a job, you should know that you are interviewing the prospective employer just as much as they are interviewing you. These people reveal what made them steer clear of these potential jobs.
What happened during a job interview that made you not want the job?
Submissions have been edited for clarity, context, and profanity.
50. Contracts are importantGiphy
English teacher looking for a position. Second interview went well, interviewers said they wanted me to be on their team and that they would set up an appointment to sign the contract by the following Monday. I called to check in on Wednesday and was told that I would receive a call by Friday. Called on Friday afternoon and was told that the person responsible would be calling me back that afternoon.
The following morning, received a phone call from the principal checking in on whether or not HR had been in touch. He promised to "light a fire under them." I started interviewing elsewhere as back up. After three weeks of this kind of back and forth I let them know I had accepted a different position, one which had passed me a contract to sign ten minutes after the interview.
49. When there is nothing to hide
Shady dude was the only person there in literally an empty storefront (job was for computer repair). We actually sort of hit it off, got into a long discussion about music production and he actually burned me a couple of cds of pirated software for my studio. Then he explained that the job was really crap and I should find something else. Found out later that the whole business was a scam and he embezzled a bunch of money and ran off without paying his employees. Dude must have genuinely liked me so he didn't hire me.
48. Late is never goodGiphy
When i had a interview at 8:30, but they didn't call me in until 9:30
47. When everyone is quitting
Did an on the job interview with a security/ locksmith company. Interviewer got a phone call from his boss and they got into a huge argument and he quit right in the middle of the job/interview. I just kinda went home and pretended it never happened.
46. When the ad doesn't match the job
Was interviewing for a management position, they said that I first had to work an "amount of time" as a rep. On a rather low pay.
Yeah ... don't advertise a management position if it's basically a ploy to get cheap reps.
45. How tacky!
When the interviewer double booked and insist she interview us together, then proceeded to compare our answers in real time, in front of the other candidate. When she called me three weeks later, outside of work hours, to offer me the job she seemed genuinely surprised at my refusal!
44. Is this job even open?Giphy
Interviewing for a position as an advisor for a financial firm. The manager then gave me the floor for questions:
Me: "Is this a new role or am I replacing someone?"
Interviewer: "Well we had three advisors in this department and I laid off two of them, because I felt we were overstaffed. You would be the replacement"
Me, thinking in my head: "Ok I think we're done here"
43. Bye Felicia
When we got to salary negotiations, and they literally wanted to give me HALF of what I was expecting.
42. When you have connections
My interviewer turned out to be a former co-worker from a previous job. Great dude, we always got along. Ten minutes into the interview he leans forward and quietly says, "the job's yours if you want it, but you don't want it. Trust me." I did trust him. I thanked him and left..
41. When the interview makes you feel gross
I discovered I was being pitched a job as a life insurance salesman for the purpose of taking old people's money.
I felt gross just being there.
40. When you get the job but never startGiphy
They called me to tell me they were going to offer me the job, but I needed to talk to HR. Then I got bounced around for a couple of months, where HR, the department hiring me, and the finance department kept giving me a start date and then pushing it back.
39. Red flags
"I suppose, if you put it that way, we are getting our initial site data by violating several US anti-hacking laws."
38. When you aren't really sure
I walked into the interview with no real idea what the job actually was. I walked out of the interview with no real idea what the job actually was.
To this day, I still don't know what that job was.
37. When overtime is not paidGiphy
Them: How much overtime are you willing to work?
Me: As much as you're willing to pay me for.
Them: Well, we don't pay for overtime.
Me: You are legally obligated to compensate me for overtime.
Them: Well, it won't be much, but, are you willing to put in extra hours? What kind of compensation would you be looking for.
Me: Cash. And for you to have this system worked out already. I'm out.
36. Way to sell the job...
Engineer '09 grad, applied to work as an engineer for a coal mine. They took us for a underground tour, essentially making sure nobody freaked out. One of the guys who had been there a long time was leading us... with a bad limp i might add and said "its not if you will be hurt, but when and how bad" this wasn't very long after a safety meeting talking about a guy crushed himself operating heavy equipment at another site a few days before.
35. Sometimes the signs are clear
I always get a few questions in myself, and I always ask the person who would be my boss, "What do you like about your job?" One time, my future boss said "I don't really like my job" and went on to explain why he didn't like being a manager in the company. That was the end of me wanting to be his employee.
34. When they don't tell the truthGiphy
I've had multiple places blatantly lie about their compensation and benefits up until the actual interview. Last time I was job searching I think I walked out on three places.
They told me that I couldn't use the bathroom whenever I wanted and most people end up with incontinence.
32. What happens behind closed doors...
The boss passed by, came in to say hi and shake my hand, which left a good impression on me. Not even 30 seconds later I could hear him screaming and chewing out one of the employees in another room and slam a door.
It immediately reminded me of this old SNL sketch.
31. Hiding something?
They made a big reassurement that what they did in the business wasn't illegal
30. Back in September....
I'm in college so I was looking for a job while I was home for this summer, and I applied at Target. They called me and asked a few questions, one of them was when I was going back to school. I told them the last week of August, and they said they couldn't hire me because I couldn't work through the first week of September, which is really busy for them. I was somewhat upset but it wasn't that big of a deal for me. I moved on and applied to a few other places. A few weeks later they called me and said they looked at my application again and they changed their mind and invited me in for an interview. I was excited and I was glad that I had a second chance. I go in and everything in the interview was going well.
They finally asked when I was going back to school, which was weird to me because they already asked me that before. I told them the first week of August. Then the interviewer said that they couldn't hire me because I wouldn't be there for the first week of September. I asked why they even called me in and I explained what happened. The interviewer said that she had no idea that they called me before.
I was very upset that they wasted my time like that. natethegreat34
29. Duck and Cover....
I'm an accountant. I walked into this company for a job interview and knew something was off. It was on the 40th floor in downtown San Francisco. Had like 6 offices. Had 2 corner offices. Had A section of the office had 10 cubicles. Had a boardroom that can seat 14.
Unfortunately had no employees. Just like 4. The "president" was an expert in his field. At one time. Now he's old and should have been in a nursing home. He had 3 "secretaries." These people were supposed to be servicing over 300 clients money. How ? Something was fishy as hell.
Turned out later I learn from someone that he was stealing money to finance his lifestyle. Which at one point was extravagant but he was at the tail end of his scam. He was borrowing money to keep it up. He was being investigated by the IRS (someone blew the whistle) but IRS never followed up until someone reported him because he was essentially running a money management firm without a license.
Then it all came down. By then, he was so old he couldn't stand trail. His secretaries pleaded "we didn't know" and been bleeding him dry by making him sign random stuff. He died one day. It was sad. He got away with everything. Stealing from people who most likely were stealing money from someone, may it be shady sources of money to ripping off the taxpayer.
I did dodge a bullet. Reddit
28. Telemarketing Biblically....
After college, I was desperate for a job and threw my resume everywhere.I got a call for a company and I thought it was a graphic design position (I majored in history but had a knack for graphic design, so I was amazed I got a call.)
Well, I got there and was immediately told it was a Christian telemarketing company and I'd be a telemarketer making commission. I said the position was clearly for graphic design and the woman told me it was to "draw potentially talented candidates in." They showed me a list of all the charities they telemarket for and I recognized none of them. They weren't religious either. They wouldn't let me take home anything that said charity names on them, but I memorized a few and couldn't find anything about these "charities" when I looked them up at home.
I tried to be as polite as possible through the 2 hour ordeal which had me shadowing a telemarketer, who told me that elderly people were the best to get money out of.
I have absolutely no idea why they kept pitching they were a Christian company when what they were doing was so un-Biblical, but I digress.
It's been 5 years since I interviewed there. I happened to go by the building a few months ago and it's now a medical center. I wonder what happened.... ArtByKC
27. I'm Desperate....
I prepared for an interview a few weeks ago, worked on what to say for a couple of days and as usual got pretty worked up and nervous beforehand. I go to the interview where the guy sits me down and tells me this is nothing more than just a quick informal chat (and here's me in a full suit sweating my butt off having prepared 100 questions/answers in my head)
He then proceeds to say that I'm not suitable for the job I have applied for, he thinks I'm overqualified, but he is thinking about creating a different position in the company I can fill. I ask what the position is, he rambles for a good 20 minutes straight (no joke) about me filling a new job but the job doesn't yet have a training scheme or any kind of official description/documentation. He wants me, as part of the job, to create the job's training scheme for the job I'm literally learning to do.
I'm sat there confused as hell, he hasn't got any notes with him and is just improvising this entire 'job description' where I, as a fresh graduate, am in charge of 38 people's IT systems on my own with no proper experience. I ask what the pay and hours are, "oh, I haven't even thought about that yet."
So I went for an interview that wasn't even a proper interview or related to the job I'd applied for. Such a waste of time. Toby95
26. Sorry Ron....Giphy
Applied for a job in Clearwater, FL. In-person interview was normal enough got passed through to a secondary interview. At the start of the secondary was asked to take some tests. I think no big deal, been there done that with other jobs. They hand me a book sized stack of papers with hundreds of questions. I look down at the bottom of the sheet and in small print it stated that this test was created based on the concepts of L. Ron Hubbard and printed by The Church of Scientology..... I stood up... put the stack back on the ladies desk and noped the heck right out of there. elusivegroove
25. Out I go!
You've had a lot of jobs. Yes. They were temp jobs. But why so many. They were with the same agency. But why do you leave them after a short time? Because they were temporary assignments? I don't understand. How do I know you won't leave here? Because I won't be working here.. goodbye. Thick as s**t. Reddit
24. Just Hang Up!
I had a phone interview with a company that bragged about having an on-site doctor. To me that meant 1 of two things.
- it was so stressful to work there they had a doctor on site for liability.
- if I needed a sick day I would be expected to see that doctor instead of my own.
I ended the interview right there. click_baiter
23. Life Ain't Free....
"Oh, we won't be paying you during your probation, which is about 3 months."
And this was an entry level job. rolling_inthederp
Oh ok no problem, i wont be working during my probation. Rationalbacon
22. Being Hunted isn't the best!
Being headhunted from my then current job as a manager in a small but busy and successful café to work for this large, posh hotel.
They phoned me and said that they had found my stored CV online (which I hadn't removed since finding employment) and that one of their board members had been impressed with me as a customer in the café. They offered me an interview and a job with potential to move up etc and that I'd be starting as the restaurant manager on great pay, benefits etc.
It sounded great and being quite pleased that I had just been headhunted for the first time, I went along to the interview which was within the restaurant I'd potentially be working. I turn up in my best suit and this guy comes to interview me wearing jeans and a polo shirt.
Very shortly into the suspiciously informal interview, the guy says to me "look the job is yours, I can get you a uniform and you can start whenever suits." At this point I'm like what do you mean uniform and he points out the waiters and waitresses walking about in pinstripe shirts with huge long aprons. I asked what he meant I was asked to come here because of my managerial experience etc. Guy replies yes potentially in the near future but you'd have to start out on the floor first.
I thanked him and went home. Told my boss about it and he gave me a raise. When I left that job around a year later, he put an extra £250 cash in with my wages and threw a leaving party in the café for me. Told me to invite all my friends and family and it was a free bar all day and night. Best boss ever. So glad to have worked for him. GrumpyBake
21. Out before it's too late....
I applied for the job because someone told me the manager was awesome, during the interview she mentioned that moving to the south was hard on her husband's health (humid air and bad lungs) and that they really missed home.
I had a feeling I'd be getting a new boss as soon as I started, and that's almost always a bad thing. I was right, she left 3 months later, and I heard the new boss was heinous. Spikito1
20. Frankly my Dear....
The guy interviewing me kept calling me Frank and he wouldn't stop. -brightlights-
If you didn't say "well, to be frank, I don't want this job anymore!" before you left, frankly, you missed out.legitimatelynonrobot
Interviewed for a faculty position at a prestigious university on the east coast and was supposed to interview with the Department Chair. I had to wait outside his office because my interview was delayed by 15 minutes while he ripped apart this other professor over some billing issues.
When I finally walked in, he asked who I was and then why I wanted a job in his department. I should have stood up and walked out at that point, but figured I'd be polite and finish up the afternoon. Went out that night and had a nice dinner and got drunk by myself on their tab. I ultimately got the job offer but turned it down. contraphd
18. ok... byeeeeee
Was out of work, this was during a phone screen:
Me: "I'm sorry that salary is significantly less than what I was making previously."
Her: laughing "Well, it is more than you are making now, so..." FakeNewsfortheWin
Applied to a bartending position at a new club, the guy's second club.
Strike one: when he said it was an unpaid position, just whatever tips were made.
Strike two: he told me that the bartenders at his other club had done the dance from coyote ugly to earn the bar more money. He asked me what lengths I was willing to go to to drive sales.
A third strike was unnecessary. LaSwanduh
16. Goes Both Ways!
Just happened yesterday.
"We want someone who can be committed to this job for a year or longer. It is part-time and you will get hours as we have demand. You can eventually get full time. We just had someone who has been here for three years become full time."
WTF? You want me to commit to you but you will not commit to me? I was also told they are in dire need to fill this position. I should be receiving an offer today. Christiphis
15. No Kids!
All went well until the male interviewer turned around and asked Me- "kinda hoping kids aren't on the cards for you, I'm sick of you girls pulling maternity crap!" PotatoPixie90210
14. Pack my tools....
In welding jobs, you do a job interview, then take a welding skills test. I was taking the test and current employees came up periodically, introduced themselves to me talked to me a little. They all said pretty much the same thing. It's a s**t show in there. I was skeptical at first but I witnessed a father and son get into a super heated argument during my test. I packed up my tools and thanked the owner for the opportunity, and explained why I was declining the job and left.LasagnaFarts92
13. A Strong Woman Wins!
I went to an interview for a machinist position. In a machine shop. I am a journeyman machinist. The guy didn't expect a lady machinist as someone else had called me to come and interview. He asked if I'd like to sell dietary supplements with his wife instead. Wtf? Ummm noooooo. Reddit
12. Panera for the Win!Giphy
First job interview out of college and it was for an account manager job that clearly said it was an office job where you make some cold calls, keep customer happy, etc. Show up in a suit and tie and as I'm sitting in the lobby another guy shows up interviewing for the job as well. The lady then decided to take us to Panera and interviews both of us at the same time. She then starts going on about the job saying it's best to wear shorts and comfortable shoes since we will be going door to door 6 days a week, 8am-8pm trying to get people to switch their gas and electric provider.
After she said that I kind of tuned out and stopped caring what she said. As soon as we got back to the office parking lot she wanted us to come in and explain how after all this work we can end up being district managers making 80k and all this other bull crap. I instead said no thank you, went to my car and drove off depressed that I fell for that scam. MrHimp1990
11. You Better WERK!
It was doing a corporate, behind-the-scenes kind of role for a shoe company. I wore their shoes (I had some in the back of my closet) and a corporate looking simple black black dress and black jacket. This is important to note for later - I didn't look offensive, I looked respectable for the role I was applying to, and the outfit showed their shoes.
So I get into my interview, it's with a brother and a sister who control the brand since their granddad passed it down to them. We go through the normal questions, I pull up some numbers and campaigns they've run and discuss it with them as well as a vision for their future.
Then out of nowhere, the brother says, "but you're not a FASHIONISTA!" He practically spits out the last word. I'm really taken aback, because I don't need to be in the role I applied for. "You don't have a fashion blog, how can you understand fashion?" and then he goes on a mini rant about how can I possibly understand their brand.
I knew it had tanked at this point, and it wasn't an industry I normally work in so I took a risk and decided to burn future bridges. I took one of my pumps off and waved it in there. "What is this thing?!" I said dramatically. "Does it belong on my feet? I don't understand, is it feet clothes?"
His sister tried deescalating the situation at that point but it was done.
I have never, ever done anything like that. Lots of other interviews have passed me where we both knew it wasn't the right fit but we've always gone through the motions. I checked in a few months later. They promoted one of their shoe designers to the role. The brand is not doing well. AOLchatparty1999
10. Not Three Pennies More....
Graduated college with a teaching degree and a bunch of video production experience (shot college events, cut them into presentations and posterity videos, ran the college television station, etc.).
Interviewed with my state teachers union association. They posted an ad in the paper looking for someone to cover their events; drive to the capital, film the event, interview attendees, bring the footage back, cut it into three different videos: one for internal use, one for TV and one for the website. Also write articles for the website about said event. 3-5 days a week job, 7 hours a day, most weekends. Oh, and the capital is at least an hour and a half drive from here.
This interview goes on for an hour. Finally it's question time. I asked if there would be benefits. She laughed. I asked about salary. She stifles a laugh. Then she says, "We were thinking three hundred."
That number rolls around my head. There's no way she said three hundred.
That triggered the laugh.
"No! No, maybe three hundred a month?"
Will you cover expenses? Driving, hotels, editing equipment, filming equipment?
"We figured you'd bring that stuff from home."
I stood up, looked her dead in the face and said, "You have wasted an hour of my time."
I walked out to the sounds of her hemming and hawing about maybe bumping it up to three-fifty. ComicSal
9. 18 & Up?
When a few years ago, the interviewer asked repeatedly when exactly I was going to turn 18. Really sealed the deal when 20 minutes after I left he called again, just to confirm, exactly when I would turn 18. budapestgirl
8. School Scam...Giphy
Went in for what I thought was a low level IT job with some on the job training. Turned out to be an overpriced A+ Certification Course that essentially gave you a one week paid internship at the end so they could justify calling it a "Job" and advertise on job sites. DONT_PM_ME_BREASTS
7. Family First....
Now I grew up in a small town in nowhere Montana, so I was prepared for the reality. The job I was applying for was in an extremely isolated area I had never been to before. The interviewer told me straight up it would take years to be accepted into the town. He also asked about what church we would be interested in seeing on the tour. That was when reality set in about what I was stepping into. The job itself was great, but I couldn't put my family into that situation. DarrenEdwards
6. Don't Ask....
Not me, but a friend.
I guess this won't translate well for many people, so the background is: We live in a country where you are not allowed to ask about family planning during a hiring process, as this is considered discriminatory. Family planning is not supposed to be taken into account when hiring (the same way as you cannot chose to hire someone based on religion, sexuality etc.)
My friend was asked if she was planning on having a baby. Even though she needed a job she didn't want to work for them after that. (Ironically this was an auditing firm which exists to ensure that other companies follow legislation, yet they failed to do so themselves in the hiring process.) lolitrusa
I mentored a student during his degree as part of an Alumni program. This fellow is destined for great things, off-the-chart smart, and keen to immerse in his industry. He tells me about an interview he went to with a large, well known pharmaceutical firm to get more lab experience - he ended up being accepted to Cambridge for his PhD - and he was left in a room on his own for over an hour (there was a short questionnaire he'd completed fairly quickly) and no one came to get him. Apparently, they forgot he was there. Needless to say that he declined their generous offer to join their team. geekpeeps
4. Family Craziness....
I had a family owned chiropractic business interview me. And while they're having me small talk about myself I mentioned my daughter. And they asked about her dad and I implied I was a single mother and their response was "yeah, so we're a heavily Christian based organization so we will be looking elsewhere." I was so taken aback I just left and didn't realize it was illegal until after when I called my friend who hires people for a living! A**holes. I wouldn't have wanted to work for them anyway. I had to agree to morning prayer circles and crap. It was so weird. pschlick
3. It's A Sign!
They had me speak with two people separately and they both asked me what my horoscope sign is and then they said that if they wanted to move forward with me they would invite me to a dinner to see how I fared.
I'm sorry, but, an employer who is going to care about the stereotypes of what your horoscope signs are is bullcrap.cookofthesea
2. Stay Alert...
I had an interview a couple of days ago, at a smallish local bank - 12 branches, they do about 1.5b in business a year, so it's a legit company. I had a feeling I might be a little overqualified but applied anyway, and part of the application was a salary requirement. I got an email asking for my availability to come in for an interview, and replied with my availability, but suggested a quick phone interview first to make sure we're on the same page and not waste anyone's time since I'm already employed.
They didn't want to bother with that and we scheduled a time. I met with the director of the department I'd be working in, and the interview went very well. Then I sat down with the director of HR, and that interview went very well as well, until she mentioned the salary requirements I'd put in the application and asked if it was "some pie in the sky number," which I'm pretty sure I actually laughed at, and informed her that was the number at which I would start thinking about leaving my current job.
Lady, did you not look at my resume before you asked that question? I don't expect a follow up with them.
Don't ask for a salary requirement in an application if you're not going to pay any attention to it when you bring people in for an interview. MonkeySherm
1. Y'all a Hot Mess!Giphy
I was interviewing for a teaching job. They did the interview in a closet room next to the gym where kids were screaming/playing basketball outside. It was so distracting. The principal came in and out of the room about 5 times and would jump into the conversation without any context. They asked me redundant questions and forgot which position I was being interview for. They also wrote and underlined specific answers that I gave that were obviously not what they wanted to hear. The entire thing was so disorganized and if I hadn't needed a job I would have walked out.little_cranberry5
Lawyers are not the most popular people in the world and they don't care. They are there to win and claim victory at any cost. Half of the time you have to wonder... do they actually love lawyering or just flat out winning?
Lawyers are not the most popular people in the world and they don't care. They are there to win and claim victory at any cost. Half of the time you have to wonder... do they actually love lawyering or just flat out winning?
It's a bloodthirsty, competitive career not for the faint of heart. In the end all lawyers can recall their best moments when they knew they had a lock!
Redditor movierevision wanted lawyers to talk about... Lawyers of Reddit, what is the most bada** "I rest my case" moment you ever witnessed?
Stupid is as stupid does....
My mum was a personal injury solicitor, and she was basically trying to prove that the car that hit her client and caused life changing injuries (brain damage) belonged to X.
X at first pretends not to live where he does, then the car is found abandoned all wiped down. The trail seems to end. Then, my mum has a hunch and checks X's facebook.
He had a public profile, and his profile picture was his standing next to the car in question. She screenshots them and sends them to the opposing counsel with a slightly more politely worded 'your client is dumb.' She's retired now but she considers it to be one of the most satisfying moments of her career.
Needless to say, she won the case and her client got a million pound settlement and is now living in Spain. All for the want of a simple privacy setting and a touch of common sense.
Where there is smoke... there's crack!
This just happened in a tenancy arbitration yesterday.
I evicted a tenant for being a small time dealer. She disputed it, and we had a tenancy arbitration. I submitted video of people walking up to her window like a Burger Crack drive-through, plus brought in her neighbor as a witness. The hearing is conducted over the phone.
The witness testified that she smelled crack smoke, and had a constant stream of drug addicts buzzing her intercom and knocking on her door, looking for her neighbor. As in, 5-10 per hour sometimes. The tenant got a chance to cross-examine the witness and her first question, in an excited "gotcha" type voice was: "So, how do you know what crack smoke smells like?"
Witness response, without skipping a beat:
"Before we had our baby my husband was a drug user. He also bought from you and smoked it in your apartment, so that's how we know what it smells like."
These people live among us!Giphy
Two guys were being tried for robbing a gas station. A customer who saw the robbery was now on the witness stand. The prosecutor asked him to describe what he saw. He said that he saw two guys robbing the store and then running out, and one of them bumped into him. Then the prosecutor looked at the two perps and said "Are those two men in the court room today?"
At which point, the two idiots raised their hands. Case closed.
Do you not hear yourself Sir?
For a while my mother dated a man who really liked to act like a big shot. He was a guy that claimed to know a guy where ever you went. Any time you wanted something he would say "Oh wait, let's go to [store name] I'll talk to owner and get you a deal."
Nearly every time he did, the owner seemed like he wasn't entirely sure who this guy was.
He would do stuff like insist on taking the whole family on a vacation, or take everyone to a fancy restaurant. Or he would show up with expensive gifts out of the blue, like new electronics or guitars. Eventually the relationship ends, but not long after we find out he's taking us to court because we owe him money.
Court date comes, he presents his case first. He goes through a huge itemized list of every item he ever bought us. Every single item, from a vending machine coke, to a new sink because he broke the old one. Even a birthday cake bought for the youngest child. Once he's done, the judge asks if there was an agreement to be paid back for any of that. He says it was just an understanding.
The judge asks specifically if he ever said he wanted to be paid back. He says no, that usually when someone buys you something you pay them back. The judge then explained that no, infact that's not usually how gifts work, and that by his own admission there was never an expectation to pay for anything.
So after his own testimony, the case was closed. He then appealed. Again he presented his testimony first. Again, closed by his own words.
Deep breaths and a Xanax friend...Giphy
A colleague of mine was cross-examining a guy in a family law trial, probing him on his anger issues. He quickly got so angry enough he tried to pick up the chair and throw it at her.
(The chair was bolted to the ground.)
Signs need to be visible.
A little late but this is one of my Dad's favorite stories.
So he is out of state on business driving though some no name town when he goes through an intersection. Suddenly a cop pulls him over stating that he ran a stop sign and ticketed him. My dad insisted there was not any stop sign but the cop did not listen. Pissed, he went back to the intersection and saw that there was a stop sign hidden behind a tree and twisted in the wrong direction!
Even more pissed he went to a convenience store that was in sight of the intersection and bought a disposable camera while the clerk laughed because he saw what happened and knew what was up.
Luckily, my dad had to be back there in a few weeks for work. The cop assumed that someone with out of state plates would just pay the ticket and they were shocked when my dad turned up in court, calmly presented his evidence to the judge and strolled out in 5 minutes scott free.
I got you on camera! I got you on satellite!Giphy
Working as a paralegal. Divorce case, hired by wife. Husband insists he never had an affair with their female friend.
Days later. Paralegal in charge asks me to show paralegal intern how to do property search. Last address in mind is the possible mistress. Type in address, look at deed, get parcel, even get a satellite photo. This is important. I print up satellite photo.
Attorneys meet. Our boss L asks, "Mr Husband, you insist you never had an affair with Ms Woman, correct?"
H: That's correct.
L: Did you ever go to her house for anything?
H: No. I can't remember where she lives.
L: Mm hmm. So between the dates of blah and blah you never visited her residence?
H: (annoyed) No, never.
L: What vehicle do you drive?
H: Ford (something big like F-350).
L: What color?
L: Anything in that truck bed?
L: Silver, the kind that's bolted in place?
L: Do your truck and toolbox look anything like the ones at Ms. Woman's house in this satellite photo taken on such-and-such date?
Summary: Husband swears he never visited the house of his alleged mistress, only to be caught by a satellite photo.
But they matched my outfit...
In criminal docket court one morning the accused wore a pair of very unique custom made red cowboy boots... stolen from the house he was accused of robbing. Wore them. To court. To plead not guilty. The prosecutor was laughing.
Shhh... no quiet... it's all over hun!
My wife and not me, and it was during sentencing.
"Mr. Defendant (local gang boss), you stated you are not and have never been in a gang."
"Do you have any tattoos?"
"Yeah, I have a tiger on my calf and one on my chest that says GD 4 Life?"
"What does GD stand for?
"Gangster Disciples. . . but, I mean. . . ."
"No further questions, you honor."
You might want to get some glasses...
When I was in law school, I clerked for a criminal defense legal clinic. We had an assault and battery case where there was only one witness to the crime, which was the victim.
I was sitting at the defense table with the actual attorney, another law student that worked on the case with me, and the defendant. We were all in similar looking suits as a matter of unplanned coincidence.
The victim was asked to identify the person who committed the assault in court and she pointed to me and not the defendant.
Our attorney asked several times if she was really pointing to me and if she was sure, and she said yes. The prosecutor was visibly upset and the trial pretty much ended there as this was a bench trial and not with a jury.
It was never discussed or admitted to, but I suspect our attorney purposefully had me there at the trial because I did have a passing resemblance of the defendant.
How high can you count?Giphy
A friend told me this story. He's not a lawyer but was job shadowing or something and was in court for the day. Anyway, one of the cases was a girl contesting a stop sign violation.
The prosecutor asked how long she was stopped at the stop sign and the girl responds 40-50 seconds. The prosecutor asks her to look at the clock in the court room and proceeds to stay silent for the next 30 seconds, which is a really long time.
Once the 30 seconds is up, the prosecutor looks back at her and says were you really stopped 40-50 seconds and the girl was basically silent. I'm pretty sure she was found guilty.
Know the car make friends...
Not me, but a buddy who is a DUI attorney. In the state he practiced in being in the car with the keys in the ignition, even if the engine isn't running, is considered a DUI (if you're intoxicated.)
Had a client come in, told his story to my buddy, the buddy goes to the DA after discovery and says "Don't take this to trial!" DA says "Yeah, right."
In court, he gets the State Trooper who made the arrest up on the stand and the Trooper says under oath "I saw with my own two eyes that the keys were in the ignition."
Buddy gives the cop several tries to walk it back. Then has it read into the record that the car was a Prius.
BOOM. Instant dismissal and the Statie got into some trouble.
Late to the show, but I used to be a domestic violence advocate, and helped victims get protective orders against their abusers.
At one hearing, my client told her story of abuse, him hitting her after an argument. The judge asked him, so did you hit her? Is her story true. He says, and I quote, "now Judge, it was just a little Love Tap, you know how it is."
The judge blinked twice, stunned, slammed his gavel, and granted her petition.
These two yutes....Giphy
Kind of applies, I'd suppose.
I practice mostly criminal defense. I, fairly recently, had a client who, after pleading guilty to a theft charge, contested the amount of restitution owed. Essentially the client said, I stole some stuff but I didn't steal all of that stuff.
The victim had to come to court to prove the value of the things he alleged were stolen. Some of those things (that my client denied having touched, much less stolen) were rare and valuable coins.
To support his claim, he brought a statement purporting to be from a local coin dealer with the type of coin listed and its value.
I knew nothing about coins, but I knew the judge knew a lot about coins, having collected them for years. The DA asks his questions.
I muddle through my questions. Then the judge said he had some questions, and verbally ripped this guy's list to shreds. Stuff like, "You expect me to believe that blah blah blah coin in blah blah condition is worth $250 when I can go online right now and find the same coin for $36?"
I just sat back like Vincent LaGuardia Gambini while Mona Lisa Vito was being voir dired. It was wonderful to watch.
The best I've got was an auto accident case. The police report claims my client was proceeding through a red light, and got t-boned in the passenger side. My client claims they were proceeding through a green light and got t-boned in the driver's side by someone else who was running the red.
I asked to approach the bench and showed the judge and opposing counsel the police report. It included a sketch of how the cop said the accident happened. Then I showed the prosecutor the pictures I had of my client's vehicle, with the giant dent in the driver's side where my client says they were hit.
The prosecutor points out that the police diagram shows my client being knocked into a telephone pole, so of course there's a dent. I flip forward to a picture confirming the dent in the opposite side, then back to the picture of the driver's side. And the closer up picture of the driver's side. Which includes a mostly legible imprint of the "victim's" license plate.
The prosecutor hemmed and hawed and said he wanted to talk to his officer. The judge told him he could do that, but also, that he might want to consider whether he could ethically pursue this case. He went off for a few minutes then came back and dismissed.
I don't know that I handled that optimally (I mostly do civil work, talking things out is what I'm good at, I don't know how an experienced criminal defense pro would have handled it and any reading this are very possibly cringing hard at my work) but it got the job done without a trial.
How about, instead of the most "I rest my case" moment, the most dumb "I rest my case" moment? This is civil so its more my forte.
Opposing counsel malpracticed. Its hard to call it anything but that. He had plenty of time to answer a complaint, but didn't file an answer and didn't ask for an extension. Its now several months later and default judgment has been granted against his client.
He moves to reopen the case. In theory this is hard to get, but everyone hates my client so its not as hard as its supposed to be. He claims that a case tracking error occurred due to unfamiliar case management software, and that this should count as excusable error.
He moves to reopen the case. In theory this is hard to get, but everyone hates my client so its not as hard as its supposed to be. He claims that a case tracking error occurred due to unfamiliar case management software, and that this should count as excusable error.
In short- if his mistake was excusable error (it wasn't) and his client would be really harmed (probably) then the case can reopen. If he just malpracticed then no.
We're alone in the small town court. The judge comes in wearing jeans and a flannel shirt, and just walks up to us and starts talking about how he doesn't want to put anything on the record if we don't need to, sure, opposing counsel CAN go on record and argue his motion if he really wants, but maybe we can all talk about this, and maybe my client is open to negotiation without technically reopening the case... I'm not going to go into the reasons but that wasn't a crazy thing to suggest- my client may have been better off with an agreement than with the judgment we already had.
Opposing counsel says he wants to go on record.
The judge says... really? Reeeeeeaaally? He's read the briefs and he understands what happened, and he's not going to maaaaaaaake opposing counsel go on record.
Opposing counsel wants to go on record.
Judge leaves and comes back in robes.
Opposing counsel speaks first because its his motion, and details, in what is now about to lead to a formal and written court ruling, how he malpracticed.
The judge says, "That doesn't sound like excusable error, that sounds like malpractice." End scene.
Your turn Sir...
I heard about a deposition in a personal injury case where there was a question about whether or not the plaintiff used illegal drugs.
Defense lawyer: Do you now or have you ever used illegal drugs?
Defense lawyer: Is cocaine an illegal drug?
Defense lawyer (shows plaintiff a document): So, how do you explain this drug screen where you tested positive for cocaine?
Plaintiff (gets serious because he's about to make this lawyer feel terrible): Sir, as I'm sure you're aware, I have a medical condition that requires me to have a catheter in my bladder. The pharmacy puts a form of cocaine in the lubricant so that it numbs my penis when I have to put the catheter in.
Defense lawyer (pulls out another document): Sooooo, do you also put crystal meth and marijuana in your penis? Because this other drug screen I have here ...
I have two. One my own, and one someone else's.
In mine, my client was accused of not leaving this woman alone when she wanted no contact with him. He swore that they were dating, and she'd call the police when she got mad.
She swore she wanted nothing to do with him. She had a photo on her phone of him sitting on her porch, to prove that he'd come around without her consent.
I asked permission from the judge to look at the photos before and after to get context. Lo and behold, she had hundreds of photos of him. Eating dinner with her, sitting on her couch, wearing her undergarments... It was glorious.
We're done here...Giphy
During my divorce, my Ex was on the stand lying her butt off about how she was totally not using drugs and having an affair with an underaged child being present in the home.
Her lover was outside because my attorney subpoenaed him and he HAD to be there. My attorney grilled him and what he said contradicted what my Ex was saying at least a dozen times.
Then my attorney put her back on the stand and made her admit every single lie she told the judge. Her closing argument was basically that mom is a liar and has zero credibility.
I was awarded primary custody of our child, the house, child support, AND her druggie boyfriend is not allowed within 500 yards of the child. That was pretty awesome.