Working in an emergency room can be dark, somber yet an often hilarious experience. The one true thing about life is it's absurdity and unexpected happenings. Those on the front lines of health see it all and live to tell about it. Nurses are warriors and sometimes their jobs, while disturbing, can be a comedy show set up.
Redditor u/ddelGuy wanted the nurses out there to tickle our funny bone by asking.... Nurses of Reddit, what is your funniest emergency room story?
I have a friend who is a nurse and she said they once had to deal with someone who had inserted a magic 8 ball up their butt. Most horrifying was someone who inserted a lightbulb but it shattered. XtraFalcon
My ex was a nurse and she once attended an emergency surgery of a guy who had been stabbed with a spork- the spoon-terminus, mind you- and the instrument was still stuck in his chest when he arrived at the hospital. For some reason, on the fork-side of the spork there was a little piece of Wiener Wurst attached.
The surgeon's hand trembled from laughter during the whole operation. When asked during recovery about what happened, the guy said he'd slipped while eating dinner and fell on the spork but the authorities suspect there was something more sinister going on. EPIC_BOY_CHOLDE
The Scene Stealer.
We had a dad bring his kid in, cause she had weird red areas on her belly. He screamed at us, cursed and made a BIG scene, claiming his kid would "fade into unconsciousness" and we are just watching her die. Don't get me wrong, if she'd had altered mental status I'd have been concerned, but the kid was dancing around the examination room and had no signs of problems whatsoever, while we had actually sick kids waiting.
Well, dad insisted to get an ultrasound for his kid with internal bleeding. When the ultrasound gel was applied, we wiped off the red color that she probably got from a new shirt or toy or whatever... He was embarrassed. At least. bringmeagene
Not sure if it counts because it's not in the ER, but it still makes me laugh.
Student nurse here, I work in home care. I once got a call from a client who was freaking out because a friend brought her home and now her friend said she didn't feel well, to the point she wasn't responding anymore. So here I go, rushing over, thinking about the questions I need to ask, things I need to observe, possible outcomes etc. I arrive at the clients house, my client comes running to me: "come fast come fast! there she is! she runs to the couch and starts rubbing a pillow. Turns out she was hallucinating. princessfailure
Not my story, but here it goes. Couple arrive late night in the ER, him with a bleeding sore penis, her with multiple head injuries and a burned back. After being treated they eventually tell the story to the puzzled nurses. He was frying eggs when she decided to surprise him with oral sex, during the action he dropped the eggs on her back, she bit him and he started banging her head with the pan to stop. meshmel1
"the other jelly had seeds"
Not an emergency but funny story... My twin sister is a nurse and when we were in college she had a patient during an OB/GYN clinical who was said she was using grape jelly as lube because "the other jelly had seeds." She thought food jelly and petroleum jelly were the same thing. kerriging
Holding the Code....
Not a human nurse, but a vet nurse- A hysterical man came in carrying his dog, and we prepared for an emergency situation, except he then tells us the following: that the dog went over the fence in his yard and into his neighbor's house (a neighbor who doesn't like them very much to begin with), climbed on top of his desk and ate the code-device for his bank. Now he would like to get it out and replace it before the neighbor took notice 😂. AsthmaticWolf
"Pull your waistband down."Giphy
Not a nurse but I bet she told everyone... because she was cracking up at my innocence.
I had the need for a poison ivy shot and my dad told me they shoot your butt. Im like 15. So nurse says "time for your shot, can you/
Me: pants down; butt out...
"Pull your waistband down."
The funny part is I kicked my shoes off as well. Like I was about to get all naked and comfortable for a one second shot. We all laughed real hard at that. She had the pants down before but never the shoes kicked off. RacinGracey
TWO SHAMPOO BOTTLES.
My mother used to work away, but due to the inconvenience of driving all the way across town coupled with a promotion, she works from home. A patient came in complaining of constipation. Right on cue he pooped out TWO SHAMPOO BOTTLES. They were about half the height of normal ones, but not half the width. GiggityMerf
"I'll tell ya one thing, sex is out of the question"
I was on a clinical for paramedic school. I was in the room helping 2 nurses insert a foley cath on a 90 year old female. She had came in after a fall and had a dislocated hip. The nurses are prepping everything trying to get her ready and she suddenly sits up and says in the calmest possible voice "I'll tell ya one thing, sex is out of the question" and lays back down and goes back to screamin' in pain. jesus-christ-of-ems
I won $150 that day!Giphy
I used to work in the ER sometimes... and when we would pull stuff out of people's buttholes it would get washed and sterilized and put in this box under the Triage desk.
When a new person started we would run a pool on who could get the newbie to use something out of the box first... I won it once by taking the staples out of his stapler and then casually mentioning that "Hey, there is a stapler in the box under the triage desk". I won $150 that day! hokeyWB
Not my story, but heard it from my cousin. She was training for her nurse diploma at the time at a local hospital. So there is this old guy (70-80) coming in the ER with a big wound on his leg and he had to go for surgery. My cousin tried to prepare him for the surgery and asked him to remove his boots and clothes, so he can change into proper clothing.
The old guy started yelling and cursing because he didn't want to get his boots off. Several doctors came by to calm him and he started to fight them too. After some time when he calmed down they injected him some anesthetic in order to remove his boots without him flipping over. It turns out he was ashamed to take them off because he had his nails painted red. SteliosTh
What an idiot.
Not a nurse but an MA and I once had a patient that was a catholic priest that developed a skin rash... he was treating it with that spray Clorox cleanup solution which of course only made it worse. When asked about the rash, he said he caught it from his wife and then pleaded with us not to report him to the head guy at his church since he's not supposed to be married.
Obviously we can't report things like that due to privacy laws. Turns out his "wife" was a hooker that was also one of our patients (unbeknownst to either of them). FYI/ Clorox spray, when applied liberally and directly to your genitalia WILL cause burns. What an idiot. trontellix
I work inpatient but here are some stories.
The patient had a UTI. She told me that a previous nurse had told her to wipe front to back and how ridiculous that was as she had wiped back to front her whole life and was fine. I asked her if she had ever had a UTI before. She said "Oh yeah, all the time."
Had a patient who was coming down off of meth. He insisted that he had been kidnapped because a hold had been placed (for very valid concerns about violent behavior). He called 911 and said he had been kidnapped.
The police arrived to make sure everything was alright (make sure that someone hadn't actually been kidnapped). When the patient saw the police his response was not "I have been kidnapped please help" but to try and attack the police. We managed to disengage him without anyone getting hurt. As soon as they left he demanded to use the phone to report his kidnapping. a098273
"fat Mary Poppins"Giphy
I was in charge one day and was called to rescue my rech who had been pulled to sit with a psych pt. I go down and he's pale and shaking, and his patient is straining at his leathers and screaming.
I told the patient to calm down a sec so I can talk to my tech just to be a smart butt and he actually did! I told my tech to chill and call me if he needs me. I then told the patient I was done talking and he could go back to making a ruckus if he wanted. The meds had kicked in though, and he just called me "fat Mary Poppins" as I left. CrochetyNurse
Not ER, but once I took care of the same 2 patients for 3 days in a row, and they were separated only with a curtain. On the third day the nice old man gets distraught and goes "Nurse! Nurse! I'm so worried I haven't had a bowel movement in 3 days!!" I go "what do you mean? You just had one yesterday." And he relaxes and smiles and says "oh, I guess I forgot." From behind the curtain my other patient yells "I REMEMBER!!!" 😂 Notexpiredyet
Or that time a nice fella taking a colonoscopy prep overdid it, and got to vomiting... just when the diarrhea kicked in. Eventually, exhausted and empty, but feeling better, he thought he'd try to get approved to go ahead with the colonoscopy instead of wasting the prep. GI said ok, if he went to the ED and got checked out for dehydration/infection.
He hopped into the shower, cleaned off in a hurry and came to see me. Having failed to notice that he used his teenaged daughters fancy silly glitter body wash. This big, macho muscular conservative looking 50 year old man, glittering like Edward from Twilight. Once he heard the workup was ok and he was clear for the scope, we all had a great laugh. procrast1natrix
I had a manic guy on a psych hold who eloped. Ran like a gazelle out to triage barefoot in only his underwear. Once there, he stopped and weighed himself. Then, faced with his choice of two convenient doors out to the lobby, he instead climbed up onto the counter and thru the little triage window, ran outside (still barefoot) and stole a police car. procrast1natrix
Not the Butt!
My mom has been a nurse for my entire life and I remember when she did her stint in the OR at our local hospital. She told me some guy came in complaining of pain in his butt but would not specify to the female nurses what happened. Being that the OR was a zoo they implored the man to be honest just because they didn't have many men working on the floor and since he was not in crisis he may have to sit for awhile.
Finally the man broke down and told them he was home watching some adult films (this was the early 90's) when he got curious about a certain thing he saw a male performer do but unlike the professionals this guy couldn't get it out and it was currently stuck in limbo.
My mom never specified what was shoved up his there but she said he got lucky they were able to get out completely. godbullseye
Or that time someone had an allergic reaction, and for some reason brought in live mussel for us, which hr thought he had reacted to. In a little jar full of water. Like a goldfish or something. We kept our little mussel friend for most of a day in the charting space. He did not contribute meaningfully to the workup or treatment plan. procrast1natrix
Any other nurses have a tale or two?
From our childhood through our adult years, one thing we all dream of from time to time is all the things we could do if we had unlimited resources. Buy a castle and become your own anti-hero, solve world hunger, adopt ALL the animals, live on an endless cruise around the world, heck, buy a whole political party *cough cough*.
Most of us would be content making sure our family and friends were set for life and bettering the world the best we can.
Redditor ApArAmY wanted to hear what everyone else dreamed of doing if they had no limit on funds.
“What is the first thing you would buy if you had infinite money?"
Dreaming of affordable health care? Must be from the US...
“Every single medical provider facility in the world. Make healthcare free for patients. Since I have unlimited money, I can afford whatever drug/device/material/salary/etc that would treat patients.”
“Then everyone can get on with living life knowing that they'll get good medicine and not be saddled with high costs. And taxes could go down because governments wouldn't have to pay for healthcare.” Specialist-Ad475
20 trillion, no big deal...
“I'd fund all efforts to further the fight against climate change, global warming, pollution, etc. I'd probably try not to spend that much money for a while so as to prevent inflation, but adding ~20 trillion dollars to the global economy wouldn't be that bad, right?” PixelGMS
The orange one wouldn't like this idea...
“I'd buy Mar a Lago, make it into a homeless shelter and install wind power turbines on all 18 holes." Mr-Warmth
Someone come get their dad!
“A new butt, my old one has a crack in it!" drewdwagy1966seth meyers dabbing GIF by Late Night with Seth MeyersGiphy
Human rights and green energy...
“Buy Amazon, Nestle, and as many $1billion+ corporations as I can. Once I'm CEO, I would stop every human rights violation they cause and give all the profits (since i have infinite money I won't need it) to charities and funding to green energy and stopping climate change." crispier_cream
“It sounds silly, but an ice cream sandwich. Several years ago, I was living paycheck to paycheck and had a fair amount of credit card debt. I fell behind in my mortgage and lost my home to foreclosure. Shortly after I was notified, I drove over to a 7-11, bought an ice cream sandwich, and ate it while crying in my car.”
“Unfortunately, every time I eat an ice cream sandwich, it's still a bittersweet feeling. I always think of the day my favorite childhood comfort food became forever intertwined with my sense of complete and utter failure. After coming into life-changing money, I would hope that an ice cream sandwich would taste as good again as it did when I was a kid.” Steve-in-rewrite
“Just….. a huge chunk of land.”
“Land. Just….. a huge chunk of land. Build a house for my parents, one for us, and one for my In-Laws, and another small house for the family to stay at when they come to visit. Maybe two. We got a big family. And then just spend my time building my farm." Unusual_Amphibian_20
Just make sure to funnel it through a PAC first...
“A US Senator! Or several of 'em. I've always wanted my own senator.” a_dangerous_noodleSusan Collins Thank You GIF by Election 2020Giphy
The who’s got a bigger one game...
“Judging by the world we live in, apparently I'd enter into the private space race.” Cool-breeze7
Back to the bartering system perhaps?
“I would distribute it all evenly so that it's literally worthless. I would expect this to collapse the economy but what do i know, I'm not an economist.” Jham_jam
It seems like mostly these Redditors want to help others and the planet. Although for that one person, may all your ice cream sandwiches be delightful.
I admit that I am not a picky eater by any stretch of the imagination. I eat just about anything. I also consider myself pretty adventurous; when I travel, eating good food and trying the local cuisine is at the top of my list!
But even I would be hard-pressed to eat durian or even balut.
Would I say absolutely not? I'll have to get back to you after a trip to Southeast Asia. The jury's out for now.
People had very strong opinions on the food they want nothing to do with after Redditor KentuckyFriedEel asked the online community,
"What dish/food can f*** right off?"
"The edible KFC nail polish. Imagine you are spending the day touching public door handles and keyboards and stuff and then sucking your fingers for chicken paint."
This... this exists?
I'm so happy I've never actually run into this. I was doing just fine without this knowledge.
"Canned whole chickens. Not sure if anyone's seen those, but I want to vomit right now just thinking about it."
I can only think about how slimy it must be from all that congealed fat and it grosses me out.
"Pufferfish. I mean, you need like 2 to 3 years of training to serve it and if you accidentally eat the wrong part it will kill you. The poison has no known antidote and 1 needle can kill 30 adult humans. Other than that, it's just a fish. There are thousands of fish all over the world, just eat a different one"
Yeah... I love seafood but I'll pass. I don't want to be that person. I'm good, thanks!
"For those who aren't familiar..."
"Gefilte fish. For those who aren't familiar, it's like a ball of fish guts packaged in a jar. It's a common food eaten during Pesach."
"Shark fin soup. No taste, no nutritional value. Only to be had to show wealth/status in certain countries. Most importantly, it's really f***** up the shark populations."
Environmentalists have done some splendid work getting people to stop eating this––and imitation shark fin soup seems to be more available than the real thing.
God created the heavens and the earth, and everything in his creation.
He allowed Satan to create one thing... one at all, and Satan created the durian."
"Natto/fermented soybeans. It's sticky and disgusting. It's like Death and Hell had a sticky baby."
"I'm sick of people..."
"Celery. Useless vegetable, no nutritional value at all and just tastes disgusting. I'm sick of people ruining perfectly good egg/potato salads and soups with freaking celery. It's just unnecessary."
Celery's only crime is how inoffensive it actually is. Does it deserve this hate? Probably not.
"Liver. I mean... it's a filter. Why would anyone want to eat a filter?"
You can pry my liver out of my cold, dead hands. I'll have yours if you don't want it!
"I thought I hated..."
"Canned Spinach. I thought I hated spinach for half my life. Nope, I love it, just not that snot in a can. Why did you feed me that mother? Why?"
Okay, what I've learned today is... I could have done without the thought of canned whole chicken. My stomach wants to reject it and it's not even in my stomach. That should tell you something.
Have some opinions of your own? Feel free to tell us all about them in the comments below!
Death is inevitable. It's a truth we're always trying to outrun. Yet we do so many things to speed up the process.
Everyday we are helping ourselves to an early grave. And there are so many ways to avoid that trip. People are telling us all of the time how we can be healthier and better. There are literally books and blogs about ways to keep on keeping on.
So why don't we try and follow some of these ideas. And maybe we should begin trying to pinpoint were we are off and how we could try and avoid that which is poisoning us. Like carbs, well too many carbs, at least for me.
Redditor u/Babynouil wanted everyone to listen up, to make sure we live as long as possible, by asking:
What's something a lot of people do, but don't realise it's shrinking their life expectancy ?
Rule number one for living a healthy and productive life... "AVOID ALL POLITICS FROM THIS MOMENT ON!!" I swear that is killing us all, swiftly! Turn off CNN, FOX, MSNBC... all of it! Stop!
MOVE!Tired Good Morning GIF by FreeformGiphy
"Sitting too much. Our bodies are not built for the insanely sedentary lives we live. Even many of us who are relatively active spend most of the day sitting at a desk at the office and then sitting on a couch/gaming chair/whatever all night."
"Screw up their sleep schedule."
"Some of us can't help it. I remember being as young as 10 years old and constantly waking up several times in the night, seemingly for no reason (and it still happens 5 out of 7 night these days, in my late 30s)."
"Then I read a few years back that severe PTSD can disrupt your ability to sleep through the night, sometimes for the rest of your life, and suddenly everything made sense. As such I'm lucky if I spend two straight weeks on a "normal" sleep schedule. Right now, I'm a 5AM -1:30PM sleeper."
"Tension caused by worrying about things beyond our control."
"I'm stressing because my kid just started school and is having a hard time. Whenever I started a new year of school, I'd get sick with a cold. Now I'm sick with a cold because I'm worried about my kid."
"Work is killing us. We need to figure out for ourselves what we need to do to offset out jobs. I had a standing job for over a decade. It is only slightly better. Standing in one place is terrible for the circulation into your legs. It's also really hard on your feet, ankles, knees and lower back. Fatigue mats, better shoes, etc only go so far in helping. Throw in a couple repetitive motion injuries from the job itself and even after 5 years in an office job later I still have pain."
I definitely need to put my phone down. Especially when I drive. It's like an addiction. Also, my sleep is a mess. I doing my best. And someone teach me meditation.
ActiveWorking Out Lifting Weights GIF by Chance The RapperGiphy
"Being stationary too much and not enough movement and activity. So many problems slowly creep up on you."
"Go outside without a hat or sunscreen."
"People have been using some form of sun screen for hundreds of years. Whether it be plants, mud, etc. Plus, the UV index is ridiculous in comparison to what it used to be due to the climate crisis so the risk is actually much greater."
"Not building deep relationships. Doesn't matter if friendships or romantic relationships, deeply connected human beings live longer than people who isolate themselves or have rather shallow relationships. So, just so you know: THAT'S what friends are for. ;-) "
"Being severely anti-social is all I know. I am slowly developing a minor case of agoraphobia. I don't have any friends, and every time I meet someone new I freak out and don't talk to them ever again."
"I need therapy but I can't afford it. Online options aren't really options, because most of them are either extremely impersonal, expensive, or other various issues. Also I generally have a very bad history with therapists and don't like doing it because I usually come out feeling worse."
Call Erin Brokovich
"Living near steel mills. The area I live in thrives off of these and the air pollution from them has caused SCARY high cancer rates, lung problems, and thyroid issues."
"There's a city near where I live that is nicknamed Steel City because of the amount of steel mills and other metal working facilities that exist there. I started visiting friends that lived there on a regular basis when i got my license many years ago."
"Almost every young adult at the time had this random twitch that happened every few minutes. They all acted like it was completely normal. "No, that's not normal at all, wtf is in your tap water?" I said. Most of those facilities are shut down now, and I don't see the same issue anymore."
Water. I always forget water. It's so vital. Does ice count? I put ice in everything. You gotta start somewhere. Let's get healthy people.
Reread all of this.
Whether it's a minor inconveniences, people being unaware of their annoyances, or things that just don't make sense, it can stir up some pretty strong emotions.
Now, anger is a totally normal and healthy emotion, but sometimes a high level of anger doesn't seem warranted. However, when those minor inconveniences add up, suddenly we are on a rampage just looking to get mad at it every time it happens.
It could be from someone cutting you off in traffic or the sound of someone chewing. Regardless, it can cause some serious internal turmoil for some people.
Redditor BaconBear36 wanted to know:
"What is something that makes you unreasonably angry?"
Try not to get mad reading this.
Get out of the way!
"People who are walking out of a shop and then suddenly decide to stop smack bang right outside blocking the door."
"Just f*cking move to the f*cking side."
"Especially when there's like two or three people taking a whole sidewalk side by side. Sort of just waddling around without thinking that maaaaybe there's people behind them that want to get around.
A lot of people have some horrible spatial awareness. At least in NYC they get some minor sh*t for it usually. Because walking is a main form of traveling obviously."
"Riding the metro in DC was like this. Train pulls into station. Doors open. Bunch of folks need to get out before others can board. Those waiting to board stand right in front and make you squeeze past them to exit. Situation awareness duh. Step aside until all are off the train."
"Oh god the worst is when you're on a busy escalator and the person in front of you steps off and just stands there. Like HELLO I'm coming through and literally cannot stop. MOVE!"
"Recipes that start with an essay about the author."
"I don't need to know your f*cking life story, Jessica, I'm trying to figure out how to make fried chicken."
"I've been scrolling for 15 minutes, is there actually a recipe on this damn page?!"
"Force hyped youtubers who just screaming around for no reason."
"The kids watch these. And think that this level of overreaction is normal."
"That's the scary part about it. They'll replicate the behavior in public and eventually realize not everyone is shouting and screaming over every little thing."
"Banks. Why the f*ck would an institution that almost all people are required to use have shorter hours than an average job?"
"I'll add government facilities to that, DMV should be 24 hours."
"Loud chewing noises, especially if you're an open-mouthed chewer, double especially if you're also a lip smacker."
"I get so angry from the chewing sounds sometimes I just get up in the middle of a meal and leave."
"Sometimes I'm the only one eating the meal. Still happens."
This is actually a disorder called Misophonia.
Slow drivers at the front the line.
"People that move out of a lane so they can secure first place at a red light then drive like a f*cking funeral procession."
"WHY BRO?!?! That spot is for movers and shakers!!"
"Seriously. Duck into the next lane at the last second, and when the light turns green, theirs so slow that the cars that were behind them in the next lane are passing them... ugh. Just get off my road."
"Yeah, when someone cuts in front of me, I'm thinking, 'You better be moving.' And then they don't..."
"Similar to this: people who sit there and pressure the light, constantly rolling forward little by little and going way over the line, only to drive like a grandma when it actually does turn green. Bro are you in a hurry or not, you can't be both!!"
People assuming you're shy.
"When people tell me I'm shy or quiet. No. I'm simply uncomfortable. I can be very loud and extroverted in a comfortable environment surrounded by people I'm comfortable with, but that's obviously not what I'm doing right now if I'm shy and quiet."
"Agreed, especially when they're like 'omg I didn't know you could talk!' It's not like I tell them 'wow you are so loud maybe if you shut up for one second I might say something.'"
"Going outside and seeing other people who are also outside."
"WHO ARE ALL THESE F*CKING PEOPLE?!?!?!"
"When you go out in public and the public be there."
It seems like people are the problem in every scenario here.
Reading these can really make your heart rate go up. Hopefully the people who do some of these things will take a hint and be a little less irritating to the rest of us.
As long as we're not acting on that anger, no harm done.