Shattered.

I have a friend who is a nurse and she said they once had to deal with someone who had inserted a magic 8 ball up their butt. Most horrifying was someone who inserted a lightbulb but it shattered. XtraFalcon

Sporked. 

My ex was a nurse and she once attended an emergency surgery of a guy who had been stabbed with a spork- the spoon-terminus, mind you- and the instrument was still stuck in his chest when he arrived at the hospital. For some reason, on the fork-side of the spork there was a little piece of Wiener Wurst attached.

The surgeon's hand trembled from laughter during the whole operation. When asked during recovery about what happened, the guy said he'd slipped while eating dinner and fell on the spork but the authorities suspect there was something more sinister going on. EPIC_BOY_CHOLDE

The Scene Stealer. 

We had a dad bring his kid in, cause she had weird red areas on her belly. He screamed at us, cursed and made a BIG scene, claiming his kid would "fade into unconsciousness" and we are just watching her die. Don't get me wrong, if she'd had altered mental status I'd have been concerned, but the kid was dancing around the examination room and had no signs of problems whatsoever, while we had actually sick kids waiting.

Well, dad insisted to get an ultrasound for his kid with internal bleeding. When the ultrasound gel was applied, we wiped off the red color that she probably got from a new shirt or toy or whatever... He was embarrassed. At least. bringmeagene

Home Care. 

Not sure if it counts because it's not in the ER, but it still makes me laugh.

Student nurse here, I work in home care. I once got a call from a client who was freaking out because a friend brought her home and now her friend said she didn't feel well, to the point she wasn't responding anymore. So here I go, rushing over, thinking about the questions I need to ask, things I need to observe, possible outcomes etc. I arrive at the clients house, my client comes running to me: "come fast come fast! there she is! she runs to the couch and starts rubbing a pillow. Turns out she was hallucinating. princessfailure

I Fainted.

Not my story, but here it goes. Couple arrive late night in the ER, him with a bleeding sore penis, her with multiple head injuries and a burned back. After being treated they eventually tell the story to the puzzled nurses. He was frying eggs when she decided to surprise him with oral sex, during the action he dropped the eggs on her back, she bit him and he started banging her head with the pan to stop. meshmel1

"the other jelly had seeds"

Not an emergency but funny story... My twin sister is a nurse and when we were in college she had a patient during an OB/GYN clinical who was said she was using grape jelly as lube because "the other jelly had seeds." She thought food jelly and petroleum jelly were the same thing. kerriging

Holding the Code....

Not a human nurse, but a vet nurse- A hysterical man came in carrying his dog, and we prepared for an emergency situation, except he then tells us the following: that the dog went over the fence in his yard and into his neighbor's house (a neighbor who doesn't like them very much to begin with), climbed on top of his desk and ate the code-device for his bank. Now he would like to get it out and replace it before the neighbor took notice 😂. AsthmaticWolf

​"Pull your waistband down."

Not a nurse but I bet she told everyone... because she was cracking up at my innocence.

I had the need for a poison ivy shot and my dad told me they shoot your butt. Im like 15. So nurse says "time for your shot, can you/

Me: pants down; butt out...

"Pull your waistband down."

The funny part is I kicked my shoes off as well. Like I was about to get all naked and comfortable for a one second shot. We all laughed real hard at that. She had the pants down before but never the shoes kicked off. RacinGracey

TWO SHAMPOO BOTTLES. 

My mother used to work away, but due to the inconvenience of driving all the way across town coupled with a promotion, she works from home. A patient came in complaining of constipation. Right on cue he pooped out TWO SHAMPOO BOTTLES. They were about half the height of normal ones, but not half the width. GiggityMerf

"I'll tell ya one thing, sex is out of the question"

I was on a clinical for paramedic school. I was in the room helping 2 nurses insert a foley cath on a 90 year old female. She had came in after a fall and had a dislocated hip. The nurses are prepping everything trying to get her ready and she suddenly sits up and says in the calmest possible voice "I'll tell ya one thing, sex is out of the question" and lays back down and goes back to screamin' in pain. jesus-christ-of-ems

I won $150 that day!

I used to work in the ER sometimes... and when we would pull stuff out of people's buttholes it would get washed and sterilized and put in this box under the Triage desk.

When a new person started we would run a pool on who could get the newbie to use something out of the box first... I won it once by taking the staples out of his stapler and then casually mentioning that "Hey, there is a stapler in the box under the triage desk". I won $150 that day! hokeyWB

Seeing Red. 

Not my story, but heard it from my cousin. She was training for her nurse diploma at the time at a local hospital. So there is this old guy (70-80) coming in the ER with a big wound on his leg and he had to go for surgery. My cousin tried to prepare him for the surgery and asked him to remove his boots and clothes, so he can change into proper clothing.

The old guy started yelling and cursing because he didn't want to get his boots off. Several doctors came by to calm him and he started to fight them too. After some time when he calmed down they injected him some anesthetic in order to remove his boots without him flipping over. It turns out he was ashamed to take them off because he had his nails painted red. SteliosTh

What an idiot.

Not a nurse but an MA and I once had a patient that was a catholic priest that developed a skin rash... he was treating it with that spray Clorox cleanup solution which of course only made it worse. When asked about the rash, he said he caught it from his wife and then pleaded with us not to report him to the head guy at his church since he's not supposed to be married.

Obviously we can't report things like that due to privacy laws. Turns out his "wife" was a hooker that was also one of our patients (unbeknownst to either of them). FYI/ Clorox spray, when applied liberally and directly to your genitalia WILL cause burns. What an idiot. trontellix

Oh Meth.... 

I work inpatient but here are some stories.

The patient had a UTI. She told me that a previous nurse had told her to wipe front to back and how ridiculous that was as she had wiped back to front her whole life and was fine. I asked her if she had ever had a UTI before. She said "Oh yeah, all the time."

Had a patient who was coming down off of meth. He insisted that he had been kidnapped because a hold had been placed (for very valid concerns about violent behavior). He called 911 and said he had been kidnapped.

The police arrived to make sure everything was alright (make sure that someone hadn't actually been kidnapped). When the patient saw the police his response was not "I have been kidnapped please help" but to try and attack the police. We managed to disengage him without anyone getting hurt. As soon as they left he demanded to use the phone to report his kidnapping. a098273

"fat Mary Poppins"

I was in charge one day and was called to rescue my rech who had been pulled to sit with a psych pt. I go down and he's pale and shaking, and his patient is straining at his leathers and screaming.

I told the patient to calm down a sec so I can talk to my tech just to be a smart butt and he actually did! I told my tech to chill and call me if he needs me. I then told the patient I was done talking and he could go back to making a ruckus if he wanted. The meds had kicked in though, and he just called me "fat Mary Poppins" as I left. CrochetyNurse

"I REMEMBER!!!"

Not ER, but once I took care of the same 2 patients for 3 days in a row, and they were separated only with a curtain. On the third day the nice old man gets distraught and goes "Nurse! Nurse! I'm so worried I haven't had a bowel movement in 3 days!!" I go "what do you mean? You just had one yesterday." And he relaxes and smiles and says "oh, I guess I forgot." From behind the curtain my other patient yells "I REMEMBER!!!" 😂 Notexpiredyet

 damn diarrhea....

Or that time a nice fella taking a colonoscopy prep overdid it, and got to vomiting... just when the diarrhea kicked in. Eventually, exhausted and empty, but feeling better, he thought he'd try to get approved to go ahead with the colonoscopy instead of wasting the prep. GI said ok, if he went to the ED and got checked out for dehydration/infection.

He hopped into the shower, cleaned off in a hurry and came to see me. Having failed to notice that he used his teenaged daughters fancy silly glitter body wash. This big, macho muscular conservative looking 50 year old man, glittering like Edward from Twilight. Once he heard the workup was ok and he was clear for the scope, we all had a great laugh. procrast1natrix

Still Barefoot?

I had a manic guy on a psych hold who eloped. Ran like a gazelle out to triage barefoot in only his underwear. Once there, he stopped and weighed himself. Then, faced with his choice of two convenient doors out to the lobby, he instead climbed up onto the counter and thru the little triage window, ran outside (still barefoot) and stole a police car. procrast1natrix

Not the Butt! 

My mom has been a nurse for my entire life and I remember when she did her stint in the OR at our local hospital. She told me some guy came in complaining of pain in his butt but would not specify to the female nurses what happened. Being that the OR was a zoo they implored the man to be honest just because they didn't have many men working on the floor and since he was not in crisis he may have to sit for awhile.

Finally the man broke down and told them he was home watching some adult films (this was the early 90's) when he got curious about a certain thing he saw a male performer do but unlike the professionals this guy couldn't get it out and it was currently stuck in limbo.

My mom never specified what was shoved up his there but she said he got lucky they were able to get out completely. godbullseye

Go Fish.

Or that time someone had an allergic reaction, and for some reason brought in live mussel for us, which hr thought he had reacted to. In a little jar full of water. Like a goldfish or something. We kept our little mussel friend for most of a day in the charting space. He did not contribute meaningfully to the workup or treatment plan. procrast1natrix