Weddings stand at the top of the mountain when it comes to silly human traditions we tend to assign great significance. A momentous day dedicated to the sole purpose of people gathering to celebrate the unity of two individuals can sometimes cause the most stressful breakdowns. "Bridezilla" isn't just a term that came out of nowhere. There's a harsh truth hidden in that label, of brides overreacting to the smallest thing which could potentially ruin their meticulously planned day. What happens, though, when that "small thing" ends up being something to truly worry about?
Reddit user, u/Mandy-, had a story to share about a conflict arising in her wedding plans:
Me [26 F] with my mother [49 F] who wants to wear white to my wedding
I JUST got engaged recently, and my mom is overjoyed. She is already planning, and talking about bridesmaids, etc. My fiance and I would really like a SMALL wedding, destination. She is respectful of those choices, and even encourages what I want, which is why this is so baffling for me.
She sent me pictures of a bunch of dresses she wants to wear to my wedding, and they're all white, ivory, or off-white. (I tried to attach a link previously to show ya'll, but it's against the rules to post links) I don't mean to be a bridezilla or anything, but I would really prefer it if she weren't to wear white.
How do I talk to her about this? She has a tendency to either blow up, or get passive aggressive (example, she was smoking on our deck the other day, and I asked her to put her ashes in a spare planter with dirt in it instead of flicking them all over our deck, and she made snippy remarks for the rest of the visit and left early). I tried saying to her I was thinking blue and silver for our colours and I was hoping our families could coordinate with us, and she said she didn't want to wear blue, and that she likes the dresses she sent me.
I haven't always had the best relationship with my mother, due to both of us having mental health issues that we deal with (anxiety and depression, for both of us, but she has been dealing well without medication for YEARS, meanwhile I just had a breakdown recently about work, which you could probably find in my post history if you want to understand better). But for the last 5 years our relationship has been stellar.
tl;dr: I'm scared to talk to my mom about the white dresses she wants to wear to my wedding, and wondering how I could go about this as tactfully as possible, since she is passive aggressive or blows up.
First Solution? Pass The Chore On To Someone Else.
GiphyCorrect me if I'm wrong, but isn't it traditional for nobody except the bride to wear white at a wedding? Does your mom not know this? It seems like a deliberate slap in the face to you. Maybe she doesn't realize that. Someone (not you) should maybe drop a hint to her about that.
Stand Your Ground
GiphyYou're going to have to be really firm about this. "Mom, the only person who wears white at a wedding is the bride. Please find another dress." And then if she starts making a fuss, exit the conversation. Don't get drawn in to arguing, don't defend yourself; your position is unassailable. You are absolutely right, and she is absolutely wrong. If she sends you another white dress photo, say "What other colors does it come in?"
Ask Her What Other People Might Think
GiphyI'm not sure if this will work if her motives are about hurting you or showing you up, but you might try the whole "people at the wedding will think poorly of her if she goes through with this." Seriously, I worked at a wedding where this happened, and EVERYONE was giving the non-bride white dress wearing lady serious side-eye the entire night. There are a million and one wedding advice websites that explains this faux pas in detail, so you might just forward her a link to one of those.
One other thing to consider, is perhaps because it is going to be a super small destination wedding - maybe she thinks it's going to be more casual? I really have no idea what etiquette on these things are, but when you say small destination wedding I picture just your immediate family on the beach in flip flops. It's still your day and you can veto her dress, but just to give you an idea of where she might be coming from.
Either way, congrats on the engagement.
Frame It As An Anecdote
GiphyYou can frame it as being concerned about what others would say about her.
"I went to a friend's wedding where the mother wore white and all the guests could talk about was how trashy that was. I don't want you to be talked about that way."
It may be a total lie, but the threat to her reputation might just work.
Use The Power Of Computers
GiphyI saw this posted over in r/weddingplanning for another person with the same problem: let her wear whatever she wants, other guests will see how tacky it is. Then use photoshop to change the dress color for your wedding album.
There's Not Even A Discussion To Be Had
GiphyI never understood why people other than the bride get so set on wearing white too. She's just being an unnecessary drama queen. Tell her it's not an option or something to be further discussed, she ain't wearing white.
Lead Her To Her Own Answers
GiphyI have a mom who can sometimes fly off the handle at 'disrespectful' tones or words. What I have found useful is to phrase it as a question. "Isn't the bride the only be who is supposed to wear white? Why do you want to wear white at my wedding?"
See if you can get her to realize how ridiculous she's being.
Remember Who's Wedding It Is
GiphyYou're going to have to have a backbone with her on this. I don't know that it's very taboo anymore to wear white to someone's wedding (I've seen it a lot recently), but the point is that it's your wedding and you get to set the rules.
Don't email her. Don't text her. I probably wouldn't even recommend calling her. Sit her down and tell her that you do like the dresses she sent you but you want to be the only one in that color on your day. Just stand firm and don't engage any further. Let her know that you would like to go with her to pick out a variety of dresses....make a day of it.
Just be firm and don't feel bad for her reaction. She is the only one in control of that.
Maybe It's All Okay?
GiphyMy mom wore white to my wedding. I didn't mind. It was a rather informal ceremony and she wasn't trying to be rude. She just found a white dressy suit that she felt flattering. She asked if I minded and I said no.
Here's what I totally didn't anticipate. It completely ruined most of my wedding pictures. :(
My dress was champagne colored. And because she's my mom, she wanted to be right near me in the group shots.
So for every picture that had more than a few people in it, there's a woman in white standing near the middle and a woman in champagne next to her. It completely looks like she's the bride and I'm the bridesmaid.
Perhaps you should let her know about this issue. I'm not mad at my mom, as neither one of us thought of this, but I hate that I cringe every time I see my wedding pictures.
If she insists and you let her come wearing white, make her stand way off to the side in any of the photos.
When All Else Fails, Set Her Up For Fail
GiphyIf your mom insists on wearing a white or similarly colored dress to your wedding, I say let her. What will happen is people will think she's a moron and probably think worse of her.
No one will take your day away from you, I promise. :) You'll be beautiful and everyone will be there to see you. Let your mom embarrass herself.
H/T: Reddit
Experiencing death is a fascinating and frightening idea.
Who doesn't want to know what is waiting for us on the other side?
But so many of us want to know and then come back and live a little longer.
It would be so great to be sure there is something else.
But the whole dying part is not that great, so we'll have to rely on other people's accounts.
Redditor AlaskaStiletto wanted to hear from everyone who has returned to life, so they asked:
"Redditors who have 'died' and come back to life, what did you see?"
Sensations
Happy Good Vibes GIF by Major League SoccerGiphy"My dad's heart stopped when he had a heart attack and he had to be brought back to life. He kept the paper copy of the heart monitor which shows he flatlined. He said he felt an overwhelming sensation of peace, like nothing he had felt before."
PeachesnPain
Recovery
"I had surgical complications in 2010 that caused a great deal of blood loss. As a result, I had extremely low blood pressure and could barely stay awake. I remember feeling like I was surrounded by loved ones who had passed. They were in a circle around me and I knew they were there to guide me onwards. I told them I was not ready to go because my kids needed me and I came back."
"My nurse later said she was afraid she’d find me dead every time she came into the room."
"It took months, and blood transfusions, but I recovered."
good_golly99
Take Me Back
"Overwhelming peace and happiness. A bright airy and floating feeling. I live a very stressful life. Imagine finding out the person you have had a crush on reveals they have the same feelings for you and then you win the lotto later that day - that was the feeling I had."
"I never feared death afterward and am relieved when I hear of people dying after suffering from an illness."
rayrayrayray
Free
The Light Minnie GIF by (G)I-DLEGiphy"I had a heart surgery with near-death experience, for me at least (well the possibility that those effects are caused by morphine is also there) I just saw black and nothing else but it was warm and I had such inner peace, its weird as I sometimes still think about it and wish this feeling of being so light and free again."
TooReDTooHigh
This is why I hate surgery.
You just never know.
Shocked
Giphy"More of a near-death experience. I was electrocuted. I felt like I was in a deep hole looking straight up in the sky. My life flashed before me. Felt sad for my family, but I had a deep sense of peace."
Admirable_Buyer6528
The SOB
"Nursing in the ICU, we’ve had people try to die on us many times during the years, some successfully. One guy stood out to me. His heart stopped. We called a code, are working on him, and suddenly he comes to. We hadn’t vented him yet, so he was able to talk, and he started screaming, 'Don’t let them take me, don’t let them take me, they are coming,' he was scared and yelling."
"Then he yelled a little more, as we tried to calm him down, he screamed, 'No, No,' and gestured towards the end of the bed, and died again. We didn’t get him back. It was seriously creepy. We called his son to tell him the news, and the son said basically, 'Good, he was an SOB.'”
1-cupcake-at-a-time
Colors
"My sister died and said it was extremely peaceful. She said it was very loud like a train station and lots of talking and she was stuck in this area that was like a curtain with lots of beautiful colors (colors that you don’t see in real life according to her) a man told her 'He was sorry, but she had to go back as it wasn’t her time.'"
Hannah_LL7
"I had a really similar experience except I was in an endless garden with flowers that were colors I had never seen before. It was quiet and peaceful and a woman in a dress looked at me, shook her head, and just said 'Not yet.' As I was coming back, it was extremely loud, like everyone in the world was trying to talk all at once. It was all very disorienting but it changed my perspective on life!"
huntokarrr
The Fog
"I was in a gray fog with a girl who looked a lot like a young version of my grandmother (who was still alive) but dressed like a pioneer in the 1800s she didn't say anything but kept pulling me towards an opening in the wall. I kept refusing to go because I was so tired."
"I finally got tired of her nagging and went and that's when I came to. I had bled out during a c-section and my heart could not beat without blood. They had to deliver the baby and sew up the bleeders. refill me with blood before they could restart my heart so, like, at least 12 minutes gone."
Fluffy-Hotel-5184
Through the Walls
"My spouse was dead for a couple of minutes one miserable night. She maintains that she saw nothing, but only heard people talking about her like through a wall. The only thing she remembers for absolute certain was begging an ER nurse that she didn't want to die."
"She's quite alive and well today."
Hot-Refrigerator6583
Well let's all be happy to be alive.
It seems to be all we have.
Trying to lose weight is a struggle understood by many people regardless of size.
The goal of reaching a healthy weight may seem unattainable, but with diet and exercise, it can pay off through persistence and discipline.
Seeing the pounds gradually drop off can also be a great motivator and incentivize people to stay the course.
Those who've achieved their respective weight goals shared their experiences when Redditor apprenti8455 asked:
"People who lost a lot of weight, what surprises you the most now?"
Redditors didn't see these coming.
Shiver Me Timbers
"I’m always cold now!"
– Telrom_1
"I had a coworker lose over 130 pounds five or six years ago. I’ve never seen him without a jacket on since."
– r7ndom
"140 lbs lost here starting just before COVID, I feel like that little old lady that's always cold, damn this top comment was on point lmao."
– mr_remy
Drawing Concern
"I lost 100 pounds over a year and a half but since I’m old(70’s) it seems few people comment on it because (I think) they think I’m wasting away from some terminal illness."
– dee-fondy
"Congrats on the weight loss! It’s honestly a real accomplishment 🙂"
"Working in oncology, I can never comment on someone’s weight loss unless I specifically know it was on purpose, regardless of their age. I think it kind of ruffles feathers at times, but like I don’t want to congratulate someone for having cancer or something. It’s a weird place to be in."
– LizardofDeath
Unleashing Insults
"I remember when I lost the first big chunk of weight (around 50 lbs) it was like it gave some people license to talk sh*t about the 'old' me. Old coworkers, friends, made a lot of not just negative, but harsh comments about what I used to look like. One person I met after the big loss saw a picture of me prior and said, 'Wow, we wouldn’t even be friends!'”
"It wasn’t extremely common, but I was a little alarmed by some of the attention. My weight has been up and down since then, but every time I gain a little it gets me a little down thinking about those things people said."
– alanamablamaspama
Not Everything Goes After Losing Weight
"The loose skin is a bit unexpected."
– KeltarCentauri
"I haven’t experienced it myself, but surgery to remove skin takes a long time to recover. Longer than bariatric surgery and usually isn’t covered by insurance unless you have both."
– KatMagic1977
"It definitely does take a long time to recover. My Dad dropped a little over 200 pounds a few years back and decided to go through with skin removal surgery to deal with the excess. His procedure was extensive, as in he had skin taken from just about every part of his body excluding his head, and he went through hell for weeks in recovery, and he was bedridden for a lot of it."
– Jaew96
These Redditors shared their pleasantly surprising experiences.
Shopping
"I can buy clothes in any store I want."
– WaySavvyD
"When I lost weight I was dying to go find cute, smaller clothes and I really struggled. As someone who had always been restricted to one or two stores that catered to plus-sized clothing, a full mall of shops with items in my size was daunting. Too many options and not enough knowledge of brands that were good vs cheap. I usually went home pretty frustrated."
– ganache98012
No More Symptoms
"Lost about 80 pounds in the past year and a half, biggest thing that I’ve noticed that I haven’t seen mentioned on here yet is my acid reflux and heartburn are basically gone. I used to be popping tums every couple hours and now they just sit in the medicine cabinet collecting dust."
– colleennicole93
Expanding Capabilities
"I'm all for not judging people by their appearance and I recognise that there are unhealthy, unachievable beauty standards, but one thing that is undeniable is that I can just do stuff now. Just stamina and flexibility alone are worth it, appearance is tertiary at best."
– Ramblonius
People Change Their Tune
"How much nicer people are to you."
"My feet weren't 'wide' they were 'fat.'"
– LiZZygsu
"Have to agree. Lost 220 lbs, people make eye contact and hold open doors and stuff"
"And on the foot thing, I also lost a full shoe size numerically and also wear regular width now 😅"
– awholedamngarden
It's gonna take some getting used to.
Bones Everywhere
"Having bones. Collarbones, wrist bones, knee bones, hip bones, ribs. I have so many bones sticking out everywhere and it’s weird as hell."
– Princess-Pancake-97
"I noticed the shadow of my ribs the other day and it threw me, there’s a whole skeleton in here."
– bekastrange
Knee Pillow
"Right?! And they’re so … pointy! Now I get why people sleep with pillows between their legs - the knee bones laying on top of each other (side sleeper here) is weird and jarring."
– snic2030
"I lost only 40 pounds within the last year or so. I’m struggling to relate to most of these comments as I feel like I just 'slimmed down' rather than dropped a ton. But wow, the pillow between the knees at night. YES! I can relate to this. I think a lot of my weight was in my thighs. I never needed to do this up until recently."
– Strongbad23
More Mobility
"I’ve lost 100 lbs since 2020. It’s a collection of little things that surprise me. For at least 10 years I couldn’t put on socks, or tie my shoes. I couldn’t bend over and pick something up. I couldn’t climb a ladder to fix something. Simple things like that I can do now that fascinate me."
"Edit: Some additional little things are sitting in a chair with arms, sitting in a booth in a restaurant, being able to shop in a normal store AND not needing to buy the biggest size there, being able to easily wipe my butt, and looking down and being able to see my penis."
– dma1965
People making significant changes, whether for mental or physical health, can surely find a newfound perspective on life.
But they can also discover different issues they never saw coming.
That being said, overcoming any challenge in life is laudable, especially if it leads to gaining confidence and ditching insecurities.