Divorce arises from a lack of connectivity between two parties. Both get into their head the person they're with is no longer for them. You both split up, eventually move on, and hopefully get on with your life. That's how it should work, right? Not always.
Reddit user, u/werewolfbarmitzvah03, had a story to share and asked for whatever help she could get with her situation. She began:
My husband (M25) told me (F26) a few months ago he wanted a divorce. Today he said he made a mistake.
I'm gonna start this out by saying I don't know what I'm looking for here. Reassurance? Helpful anecdotes? Outside opinions? I think I know what I want but how can you ever be sure?!
I'll try to make this short and sweet, please let me know of any helpful information I likely missed. Been together nearly 9 years; married for just over 4.
In January he told me he didn't want to be together anymore. As we aren't just "together" we're married, I wasn't sure what this meant. We talked, we figured some sh-t out, we agreed on counseling, we did nothing for three months.
In May he told me he was leaving to go stay with a friend. After a lot of back and forth I went to stay with some family, he enjoyed his alone time where he could be autonomous and alone. We went to a few sessions but after a lot of drama with his family I came back home in June. That night he said he thought we should get a divorce. I agreed since it felt like the whole thing went from an "us problem" that we could work on together, to a "him problem" in that he stated he just wanted to be alone.
He has been one of my very best friends for the better part of a decade - obviously this sucked. But I'd been dealing with the idea for a few months now, I was processing, I was finally telling my family and friends, I was becoming okay with the whole moving on thing. We talked about keeping in touch to an extent. I talked to a recruiter about joining the Navy. Things were okay.
Unfortunately we've been living together still (in separate rooms) because of some financial stuff, so we do see quite a bit of each other. This past week I really started thinking about what moving on would look like. Do I want to just have fun? Do I want to be by myself? Do I want to swear off men and go live in a shack in Scotland with a bunch of sheep? Who knows.
So last week we went out for a drink where I may have gotten a little petty and mentioned some boys at work that had been paying attention to me and how I felt about it and what I was going to do about it. I'm not sure where this came from as I generally do not act like that, just a culmination of feelings that busted out in an immature way in order to get a reaction. Well that worked! He was pissed.
We talked (and cried) a lot this weekend. Mostly just about being sad it has to be this way, awkwardness of not being together anymore, blah blah blah.
So today he sits me down to talk. What percent over him am I? I think I made a mistake, I don't want to file the papers I wonder if you want to work on this. Uhhh???? Awesome. Great. Except that for 8 months now I've been coping with the fact that you don't want to be with me and trying to deal and now all of a sudden you miss me and you f-cked up??? Now you realize that you don't want to live without me?
Not to mention there was a whole thing today where he got infuriated I was texting another guy because obviously I got his number with certain intentions (and I did, was I not supposed to be moving on over all this time??) and how he feels so stupid now and he shouldn't have said anything. I just don't know which of the thousand feelings I have to actually feel at the moment.
I always laugh at the posts where they say at the bottom "sorry, this got long" but uh, sorry this got long.
I feel hurt still over the back and forth and the general behavior of the past year. I just don't know if I want to try to work it out?? And not because I'm talking to some guy because I just got his number today, it'd be pretty easy to shut it down, but because I genuinely don't know if I can get past that hurt and what feels like betrayal. Is this a mistake on my end?? Should I be trying harder to salvage this??
Tl;dr - Husband wants to end things. Flash forward a few months though my processing and just kidding I made a mistake! Let's work it out, he says. I don't know where I stand or what I want
Continue On As Planned
What has he been doing all this time? Has he been going out or talking with other women?
He's been fine being separate all this time but now that it appears you could actually put him behind you he wants you back.
You're his safety net. He wanted to go out and do his thing, drink, party, sleep around, whatever. But still have you at home waiting for him so when he was done he could come back and continue as if nothing happened.
He's been expecting you to be there ready to let him crawl back into your bed.
Now that you're making moves and letting him know you're not going to do what he imagines you doing. He realises he's going to lose a good thing. If he can't have you no one can.
If I were you I would continue with the separation.
Time Changes People
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I had something similar happening with my then financé. He treated me like I didn't exist for months and was set on leaving.
Then when I actually accepted that was really happening and moved to my parents place, got with a boy to have some fun, he was suddenly all "oh I want to try again". I said yes, moved in again and realized I lost all respect for him during those months. I couldn't do it, I felt trapped and I left for good a few weeks later.
It's my story, and we weren't married. If you chose to stay, go to couples therapy because this won't work well without. And watch things closely, maybe you are better of without him (I was).
Come To Terms With Being Seen As His "Toy"
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Like a child, he is only interested in his toys when they're about to be taken away. It's no coincidence he became a lot more interested in reconciliation only after it occurred to him that you were about to move on.
Expect that interest to evaporate as soon as you appear okay with going back to the status quo of being his celibate roommate.
Remind Yourself It's A Betrayal
I genuinely don't know if I can get past that hurt and what feels like betrayal
It is a betrayal, and you shouldn't forgive it.
He told you in January that he wanted to break up with you. He presumably meant it, because you do not tell your partner of 9 years you want to end the relationship unless you mean it. And now he just wants you to forget the last 9 months of misery, loss, loneliness, and self-reflection, and just carry on the marriage as though the last year didn't happen?
No. He doesn't deserve you. If he regrets his mistake, that's on him. He can live with it. You are not a yoyo he can spin around at his whim.
Remember How Far You've Come
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He's using you as a safety net. Now that you've shown him that you are more than capable of being happy without him, and with men other than him, he feels jealous. Who knows what he's been doing while he was "alone", but I suspect that if he's pursued other women, he has not been as successful, if at all.
I would move forward with your separation. You seem like you've gotten to the point where you want a divorce more than you want to be married to him, and frankly I don't think this relationship has much of a shelf life if you do decide to stay married to him.
Think Of What's Going On Behind The Scenes
His girlfriend dumped him. If you take him back he will do this again when he gets another girlfriend.
Make Past Actions Known
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An ex put me through this. The breakup blindsided me unlike in this case, and was really upsetting. But after a couple months I was pretty much ok with it. Can't make someone be with you, right? And I want to be with someone who WANTS to be with me. Not someone I have to convince. So I told him nah, I don't want to be friends, he was right, we should both just move on.
Well then he starts sending me flowers and sh-t and asking why I don't want to talk to him. Uh...... because you dumped me, maybe?
In the end I had to get forceful with HIM. You broke up. It's over. You made your choice, stop calling, stop emailing, you wanted to move on so move tf on.
I don't believe he was cheating. I saw no signs. I think he was just a broken confused person who thrived on NRE and drama. He wasn't interested anymore when we started to get comfortable in the relationship so then he had to create drama to keep it interested.
It's Okay To Acknowledge This Is Hard...
I agree with other posters that he likely either had someone on the side that dumped him, and you are his safety net, or he sees you moving on and doesn't know how to process the feelings of jealousy and possessiveness that are cropping up, or some combination of the two.
But, this is about you and how you feel... I would say it's totally reasonable to feel hurt, betrayed, and as if you have "shut down" and have nothing left to give to this person and this relationship. Honestly, people can't just throw you away and expect to pick you up in the same condition they set you down. You are right to protect yourself moving forward. But only you can decide if that means ending this for good and moving on, or trying again with this guy with both eyes open.
Personally, I know for me, once someone shows me I'm disposable when shit gets real, I'm inclined to believe them and find someone who can commit. So no, "should you" isn't a question you should be asking. "Can I" or "Do I want to?" is the question you should be asking yourself. If the answer is no, give yourself permission to accept that.
Will it be hard to separate from someone you grew up with? Sure, but that doesn't mean you should force yourself to stay in a relationship that is no longer working.
...But, Remember This Simple Piece Of Advice:
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As the saying goes, "if it's not HELL YES, it's no."
Your husband keeps changing his mind. That's not a hell yes. You deserve someone who doesn't even have to THINK about whether they want to be with you.
I hope you find them. This one blew his shot.
H/T: Reddit
When we're intoxicated, or even the slightest bit tipsy from having a little too much to drink, our immediate perspective on things is hazy.
But there's nothing like a bit of alarming news or a jarring incident to snap us out of the fog and focus on the moment.
Sometimes alcohol isn't always to blame for our impairment.
It can be a state of mind, like a perpetual numbness from being complacent in life, and all it takes is one shocking moment to rattle us back to our senses.
Curious to hear from strangers online about this type of scenario, Redditor Known_Challenge_7150 asked:
"What’s one thing that sobered you up real quick?"
These individuals were witness to shocking events that sobered them up right quick.
Bleeding Out
"Got out of a taxi and found a naked man profusely bleeding from his head crawling up the driveway in my condo. Called him an ambulance completely forgot I was absolutely wasted until 45 minutes later when I'd helped him translate and in to an amublance and stepped in my front door."
"Later a few days later learned he'd slipped in the tub and literally crawled out for help. Poor dude. He was fine but I genuinely thought he was going to die there."
– DongLaiCha
Tragic News
"At a bachelor party and we got a phone call that the groom’s father had suddenly passed."
– accountnameredacted
Bottom Of The Barrel
"I went to visit my parents back in July. I was homeless and deep into fentanyl addiction so I lost a lot of weight. My folks could see it. They knew something was up. Anyway, I spent the night and I was getting ready to leave in the morning and I looked at myself in the mirror for a good long time. I finally had enough and told them everything. They took me to detox, from there I went to rehab. Graduated in August and been living with them ever since then. I have 160 days clean and sober."
– Crotch-Monster
A reality check can be enough for some people to snap out of it.
Like Father, Like Son
"Was driving a drunk friend home, he had been on a bender again and was smart enough to call me for a lift rather than try and drive. As I helped in to his house his mother came down the stairs and said 'your as drunk as your father' and went back upstairs. I haven't seen him drunk since then, he still drinks but the thought of turning into his dad scared him out of hard drinking."
– psycospaz
Busted
"Flashing blue lights."
– FiddleOfGold
"This sobered me up just thinking about it."
– redmaple_syrup
Losing Sight
"Woke up to no sight in one eye. I had cataract surgery so just thought one of the lenses had slipped and it was an easy fix. Eye doc says nope, you had a stroke. I loved soy sauce, teriyaki sauce and salty food, which caused high blood pressure, which caused retina damage. Over six months was able to get most of my eyesight back with medication, and all back within a year. Trying to navigate life with one eye was very sobering. Started taking HBP much more seriously."
– MissHibernia
Quitting The Bottle
"Looked up someone I went to highschool with who was an awesome guy. Found out he had been dead for 3 years from alcoholism, at age 33. I made an overnight change. I hadn't started drinking that night yet, 10 months ago. Haven't touched it again since."
– omgtater
These disturbing moments were enough for Redditors to immediately come to their senses.
Unplanned House Guests
"Me and a buddy Woke up in someone’s living room, realized neither one of us knew the people, they were just nice and let 2 drunk guys sleep on their living room floor. We didn’t even say goodbye."
– Oneinsevenbillion75
Serious Health Warning
"Elevated liver enzymes."
"And the knowledge that this sh** was gonna kill me and I just couldn't orphan my family over it."
"So I opted for recovery, instead."
"Clean and sober since June 5, 2009."
– Far_Meal8674
The Joyride
"Grew up in a rural area. The little town hosted dances at the hockey arena, everyone (adults and kids) went and they overserved everyone, regardless of age. I was maybe 16 or 17 and was absolutely sh*tfaced, and jumped in the back of someone's truck with about 8 other people to go back to someone's cottage for after dance drinking. The driver (still don't know who it was) started racing one of his buddies and we whipped around small dirt roads, flying around blind corners on the wrong side of the road, going god knows how fast. It was basically a disaster waiting to happen. It was crazy scary and I was sober and thankful to be alive when we finally arrived."
– foxfood9116
The human psyche is a fascinating thing, isn't it?
How we can automatically focus on something urgent at a crucial time, even after getting buzzed from drinking too much alcohol.
But as we're in the thick of the holidays, it's a good reminder to drink responsibly and stay off the roads if you drive to your celebratory destination.
Cheers. Stay safe. And happy holidays.
We've all complained or vented about something in our lives which, in the grand scheme of things, wasn't exactly a problem, or is very easily solved.
Then there are those who complain about things that others almost hope will happen to them at some point in their lives.
These are known as "first world problems", as they are problems that pretty much only the world's one percent faces.
From having to fly business class instead of first class, or being served Roederer instead of Dom Pérignon, these complaints are often met with amusement, bewilderment, or even anger.
Redditor jennimackenzie was curious to hear the most absurd "first world problems" anyone ever complained about, leading them to ask:
"What’s the most ridiculous 'first world problem' you’ve seen people get worked up over?"
"Tale As Old As Time..."
"I once knew a mom who was legitimately devastated, to the point of tears/grief, because a doctor predicted her 8 year old daughter's final height to be around 5'2","
"Which wasn't tall enough to get cast as Belle at Disney World."
"That was the child's (and her mother's) only dream in life, apparently."
"Didn't appreciate my suggestion that she could be Minnie or Mickey."
"Lol!"
"Only a face character would do!"- TravelLovingMom
"Must Be Funny, In A Rich Man's World..."
"My boss from about a decade ago was this insanely rich dude who always went to the bank to get fresh and crisp currency."
"He'd call the bank in advance to make sure they had some on hand."
"I think he was a germaphobe."
"He had a trash can that he'd throw $1 and $5 bills in that he thought was 'dirty' and regularly just donated it vs spending it."
"I asked him why he did this and he said it was too much trouble and asked if I wanted it."
"I said f*ck yeah dumped it into my bag and when I got home it was close to $400 in singles and fives.
"Another time, he wanted to upgrade all the computers in his studio, so we went to a store and bought 10 PCs."
"They all had $150 mail in rebates and he wasn't bothered to go through the trouble of mailing them in."
"3 weeks later I received $1500 after spending a whole afternoon filling out all those goddamn forms."- azninvasion2000
Money Burn GIF by nog
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Who Wore It Better?
"When I was about 19 years old, I was at my boyfriends family BBQ."
"I was wearing this pretty floral sundress."
"His cousins girlfriend showed up in the same dress and she was SO mad that she went and changed."
"I will never understand being upset when someone is wearing the same thing as you.'
"Did you really think that your shirt you bought off the rack is going to be unique to you?"
"No."- mertsey627
Seeing Red! Or Blue In This Case...
"The blue of the balloons wasn't quite the same as the bridesmaid's sashes."
"Years ago my wife and I attended a wedding."
"It was very low key."
"The dinner was in the dining hall at the university where the couple met, cinder block walls and all."
"It was a Baptist wedding - no booze and very serious."
"The dark blue balloons attempting to liven up the hall were a slightly darker shade of blue than the sashes on the bridesmaid's dresses."
"The bride lost here sh*t and absolutely raved for nearly an hour."
"I can't remember how they finally managed to talk her down."- mechant_papa
south park wedding GIF
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See You In Court!
"Rich neighbors who end up in expensive court battles because they disagree about where a tree can be planted or whether the color of a fence fits in with the street’s 'amenity'."
'These disputes get really heated and rack up huge lawyers’ bills."
"The most pathetic part is after the judgement when they are arguing about who should pay the other party’s costs."
"Lots of affidavits filed citing the 'emotional distress' they had to endure, or painting themselves as brave warriors who were forced to take a stand to fight for 'justice'."
"Also lots of pompous litigants insisting that the judge refer to them by their 'Dr' title."
"An absolutely insane dumpster fire of entitled rich people problems."- ElectrocRaisin
It's Always People With Money Who Don't Want To Pay!
"I work in a public library."
"People will get so so mad if they have to be put on a wait list for a book."
"A popular book that just came out."
"Ok our services are not only free but so are the books."
"You’re welcome, a**holes."- Switchbladekitten
A Warm Butt Is A Happy Butt!
"My own."
"We have a bidet toilet seat (Fabulous! Everyone should have one!) and not only does it wash your bum and blow dry it, but the seat's heated!"
"It's shocking how much a heated toilet seat makes the whole process more agreeable."
"Except: We had a power outage and I went to use the toilet and the seat was cold!"
"Unacceptable!"
"This shall not stand!"
"I was really upset because it didn't feel good."
"Then I stopped and thought: This is the most first-world problem anyone's ever had."
"I was really pissed because my heiny was tepid."
"I got over it."- DeathGrover
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Holy Matrimony!
"Weddings are a gold mine for this question."
"People get so hyped up over their 'most important day of their life'."
"They'll destroy friendships, go into debt, and have crazy expectations."
"It's not always the couple who go crazy, either."
"Sometimes, it's the parents or another family member who feels entitled to control the wedding."
"It's just a party."
"Be considerate of guests, have plenty of food and drinks, and enjoy it."- magicrowantree
When Fast Food Isn't Fast Enough...
"Having to pull off to the side to wait for a drive-thru order to be brought out to you because your food isn't ready and there's a line building up behind you."- demanbmore
In Case You Don't Think Customer Service Employees Are Undervalued...
"I was working the return desk at a Target next to a military base so I have so many stories."
"One of my favorites was a lady who had her baby shower before revealing the gender and was livid that she had received floral newborn diapers when she’s having a boy."
"It was a huge box of super expensive, all organic diapers, that we didn’t carry and therefore could not return."
"I cannot accurately express her fury and disgust."
"How dare either suggest her boy could wear feminine diapers."
"I suggested she donate them if she didn’t want to use them and she instead threw away the entire box."
"When she left we pulled it out and threw it in our donate bin."
"There have also been multiple times where mom’s order massive toys and when we bring them out to the car they get furious that they aren’t wrapped."
"We don’t offer wrapping services."
"Here’s the thing, if you don’t want your kids to see the toys you got them for Christmas or their bit to day DON'T BRING THE CHILD WHEN YOU PICK IT UP."
'I’ve had multiple women scream and curse me out that I had ruined their kids Christmas by bringing the toys they ordered out to the car like they requested."- clever-mermaid-mae
Customer Service Waiting GIF by Juno Calypso
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Happiest Place On Earth!
"I used to work for Disney."
"That in itself should tell you everything."
"However for fun I'll give you two specific stories one form our tech department and one from my wife who worked bookings."
"I specifically worked for their call center to help with technical issues with magic band and the website."
"Suddenly got worse huh?"
"A right of passage call everyone has at least one story of is the 'Dome call'."
"Basically there is a subset of Disney Guest (TM) that believes if it rains at Walt Disney world there is someone that will push a button to encapsulate the whole of Disney property in a dome to keep out the rain."
"I'm not kidding."
"If this button is not pushed they call our tech department to angrily ask why."
"My wife worked booking."
"Pretty much everything including Bibbidi Bobbidi boutique and Pirate's league."
"These two things did roughly the same thing difference being price and theme."
"BBB was expensive did more and was focused on princesses, pirates league did a bit less and focused on mermaids and pirates."
"Lady called up my wife, and got pissed about BBB being booked up (It goes FAAAAST)."
"Karen: 'Im going to give the phone to my daughter and I want you to tell her how you are ruining her vacation by not letting her do BBB'."
"Wife proceeds to explain how pirate's league is so much cooler and how she can be a mermaid or pirate and basically gets the kid to start demanding to their parents about how they want to be a mermaid instead of a princess."- trollsong
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The horror!
Being booked into a junior suite at Disney World instead of an executive suite!
It's almost as bad as having no money for groceries, or no food to feed you children...
Said absolutely no one.