Okay, so here's the thing ...
How come humans only have one way to breathe but turtles are out here breathing with their lungs and through their butts?
I keep hearing that humans are the "advanced" species but try telling that to my constantly janky sinuses, postnasal drip, and hyper-responsive cough reflex.
I spend all spring nearly dying by drowning in my own boogers, but turtles can stay trapped under the ice in water for over 100 days cause they've figured out how to use their butt holes as a SCUBA system.
I don't feel very advanced.
Reddit user ZanzatheDivine96 asked:
"What are some big flaws when it comes to the design of the human body?"
Let's start with everyone else who was on board with my breathing complaints. Admittedly, nobody else brought up turtle butts, but my point remains a valid and shared one nonetheless.
AirwaysBreathe Jack Black GIF by Tenacious DGiphy
"Airways. In order to eat and drink, you have to risk blocking them."
"God I constantly choke while drinking water. It would be nice not having to worry about that happening so often."
"We’re the only primates with a descended larynx. Most can breathe and drink water at the same time."
"A descended larynx let’s us produce a way broader set of sounds, which helped the development of complex speech. Very useful adaptation for the species as a whole."
"The trade off being that an individual chokes and dies now and then."
Why Am I Puking?
"When you’re in serious pain that has NOTHING to do with your stomach your body just decides to go 'Hey this pain sucks so imma make you throw up just cause it seems like a fun add-on to your experience.' ”
"I've got decently sized kidney stones 🤢🤮"
"This is not your normal hangover vomiting. No no. It involves violently vomiting."
"Ribs and back are sore for days. Afraid you’re going to aspirate. Can’t make it stop, afraid to breathe."
"As if the stones themselves weren't bad enough."
"I have autoimmune hepatitis and when it spikes up really badly I can't stand up because if I do, I puke."
"Most of the planet is covered by water but we don’t have webbed feet or anything to thrive on this water based planet."
"We should have the ability to drink salt water. Hydration lacks sense"
"A small number of folks do! Aquatic ape ancestral line pokes its head up every so often."
"We actually have a little bit of webbing on our hands. Also you know when you have been swimming for a while and your fingers looks like raisins. The reason it does that is to get more traction underwater."
EarlidsGIF by ESPNGiphy
"Can’t turn off our ears like we can close our eyes. Sometimes I just want quiet in any situation!"
"That thin film of eyelid flesh is just enough to block almost everything out. We need a built-in feature that is similarly effective for blocking out sound."
"In our modern day and age I don’t typically have to listen for nocturnal predators hiding in the bushes."
"Oh my god, I never knew I wanted this until you've just mentioned it, now I want this so bad. The ability to shut off noise at will would be incredible."
"Sinuses that drain up."
"Omg my sinuses 😠 I swear one day I'll rip them open they're almost always an issue."
"My god, dealing with this right now."
"Every season change I just get an entire day of sneezing or 3-4 days of nonstop coughing, it's ridiculous and I don't get it."
"The eyes, specifically the retina is backwards."
"The 'support circuitry' is in front and the light sensors are in back. Hence the blind spot and tendency toward macular degeneration."
"Octopus eyes are done right."
"Eyes start as folds of double-layer cells and those cells divide and specialize."
"In at least humans, the layer that becomes the blood vessels and transmission nerves in the retina is on the inside and the layer that becomes the rods and cones is on the outside. So the light has to go through the blood vessels and such to be detected, and there's a blind spot where the transmission nerves gather together to become the optic nerve."
"In the octopus eye those layers are reversed, so the rods and cones (Not sure about cones, do octopi see in color?) are formed from the inside and the transmission nerves and blood vessels formed from the outside."
"Their eyes work pretty much the same as ours, except the layers were better arranged at the outset."
The Pee Managerpee dancing GIFGiphy
"This whole need to pee thing."
"Especially when I'm all cozy. That's some bull right there. I wanna speak to the manager."
"You ever get cozy at night in cool sheets on a warm summer night only to then have your body say 'f*ck that we pissin' so you begrudgingly go to the bathroom and as soon as you get ready to release your body's like 'sike we don't gotta pee no more I changed my mind we good now.' "
"Pisses me the f*ck off."
"That sperm need to be slightly colder."
"Why did that evolve? Ever other cell is fine with being warmer but because of sperm being picky we gotta have nuts hanging out that can be kicked."
"Yep. I would be happy to have my balls tucked away somewhere in my abdomen rather then swinging around, just asking to be bludgeoned."
"The brain being filled with feel good chemicals but refusing to release them."
"The big sads - Chemical imbalances."
"Like your brain tries to kill you, but in the same time it tries to prevent it through the instinct of self-preservation."
"In my case it releases all the chemicals all at once, causing me to be manic followed immediately by depression."
Asking Too Muchhomer simpson GIFGiphy
"As a foundation, they’re often vulnerable and unreliable. Too much is asked of the ankles relative to the weight they support."
"Yeah man ankles suck, break it once and it's f*cked for life."
"Can confirm, broke mine, will feel it forever."
So what's your biggest body gripe?
Don't act like you don't have one. Is it a knee? Elbow? Sciatic pain that feels like a stabbing charlie horse in your right butt cheek?
Is it the turtle breathing thing? It's the turtle breathing thing, isn't it?
We'll see you in the comments!
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