Frightened People Share The Near Death Experiences That Still Haunt Them[rebelmouse-image 18349944 is_animated_gif=
Anyone that's had a near-death experience comes back a different person. Seeing the door close to closing on your life can be earth shattering to your world view. Once, you were invincible, never-ending. After a near death encounter? You're mortal, and you have an ending. Reddit user, u/evierajah, wanted to know how those experiences changed you when they asked:
How did you almost die?
Math Is Deadly, Kids[rebelmouse-image 18349945 is_animated_gif=
My maths teacher wouldnt open the window in our very stuffy classroom. This induced a asthma attack and she denied me going to the bathroom because she thought I was faking.
3 hours later I came round from an asthma attack, being told I was hanging by a thread.
Don't Lose Your Head[rebelmouse-image 18349947 is_animated_gif=
Was walking along not paying attention like an idiot, and stepped out in front of a double-decker bus. The guy behind me grabbed the hood of my sweater and yanked me back, but I was close enough that the bus still smacked into and broke my 'leading' foot. If he hadn't been there, or I wasn't wearing a hoodie, or I was a bit heavier, that would have been my head.
When The Nurse Almost Kills You[rebelmouse-image 18349948 is_animated_gif=
Had a bad cough so I went to the doctor. He gave me a puffer (can't remember what it was called) and when I went home I fell asleep.
Something woke me up from a dead sleep and when I sat up I started having a hard time breathing. I couldn't talk at all so I had to write on a pad of paper to tell my boyfriend, now husband, to take me to the hospital.
I wrote down my symptoms for the triage nurse and she asked me if I could l talk I shook my head no but she made me try. I choked out an "ok" and she said I could talk and said I could go home since I'm just sick or I could wait.
I waited 4 hours in the waiting room and couldn't get a great breath unless I was sipping water. It was getting frustrating watching people go in before me. I know a lot of them had good reason to be there but with how few people were actually there is was evident she kept me as the lowest priority.
When I finally went in I was feeling like death and even the few tests they did were like torture. The nurses and doctors in the actual ER were very nice and gentle but it still was awful at that point.
A short time after they were done the tests the doctor came in and said I was septic and I should have come in earlier. Any longer and my organs would have shut down and I would have died.
My boyfriend told him I had been in the waiting room for 4 hours and the doctor was pissed. I don't know what happened to the triage lady but I hope she got in some kind of trouble. I know they have to deal with a lot but her bad day could have been a worse day for me and my family.
I was put on an antibiotic pump for a week but it took a couple weeks to feel like myself. The doctor said I could have easily stayed asleep and died at home so it was good I woke up.
The Heart Knows Best[rebelmouse-image 18349949 is_animated_gif=
My parents didn't believe I was in agonizing pain, so I went back to partying, next day the pain was back, stood my ground, went to the hospital. Doctor finally comes to inform me I have a heart infection, wouldn't have needed to come in the next day.
Truck Sandwich[rebelmouse-image 18349950 is_animated_gif=
Was in a bad wreck with an 18 wheeler when I was 16. I was on the passenger side in the back seat and the car we were in got crushed when the trailor jack knifed and squished us between the truck and trailer. None of the first responders could believe nobody in our car was killed or even really hurt.
A Quick Escape[rebelmouse-image 18349951 is_animated_gif=
I was on my motorcycle as a six-car accident happened AROUND ME. I came around a curve on the interstate as one car hit the concert barrier and spun out into four lanes of traffic. Cars were spinning and rolling around me, and I was barely even dodging, it was like they were dodging me. I pulled off and as I was coming to a stop a semi came sliding sideways through the whole mess. I hit the throttle again and it smashed into the guardrail a meter or two behind me. It was like seriously like a car chase action movie, except it was all luck and not skill.
The throttle punch at the end was the only thing that was on purpose.
Look In The Mirror[rebelmouse-image 18349952 is_animated_gif=
I had an accident while moving a big antique mirror by myself at home. It broke and half of it fell onto my neck. It severed my jugular vein and I came within a few minutes of bleeding to death. The paramedic who saved me said I lost about 2 litres of blood (a little over 4 pints) and I was extremely lucky to survive.
Aqua Trap[rebelmouse-image 18349953 is_animated_gif=
When I was 8, I very nearly drowned in a swimming pool in France. I was playing on the divider between the deep and shallow areas - which was effectively a row of large boulders - and slipped between two of them, getting my leg firmly stuck (and badly cut up in the process). I was trapped, hanging upside down in the water, and unable to twist my leg at all.
The only sign that anything was happening on the surface was the very tip of my foot sticking out, mostly obscured by the boulders, so there wasn't a good chance that anyone would spot anything unusual. I remember looking at all these upsidedown legs moving in the water and thinking "This is how I'm going to die. In France." After what felt like an age, I vaguely remember seeing two big hairy legs move towards me, and next thing I knew I was forcefully yanked out of the water, with blood dripping into my eyes. The guy carried me to the side and made sure I was alright. No idea what would have happened if he hadn't noticed.
Just A Bunch Of Forgetful Chickens[rebelmouse-image 18349954 is_animated_gif=
...in second grade I got chicken pox and ended up having viral encephalitis as a complication.
One thing I remember was a woman visiting me in the hospital and I asked her name, and it was the same as my mom's name so I told her that. Turns out it was my mom and I just didn't recognize her at the time. I spent two weeks in the hospital with that.
Wife = Safety[rebelmouse-image 18349955 is_animated_gif=
My wife went on a weekend away with friends. We lived in a little old wood house with a gas heater built into the floor of the hallway. It was late spring, and the heater was kept turned off by pushing the thermostat way down. 59F was as low as it went. I went out with some friends and came home late, went to sleep.
A cold front blew in and at around 5am the temperature dropped to 58F in the house. We kept a throw rug over the floor grate in the hall most of the year to keep out dust. I awoke to smoke filling the air and the sound of the smoke alarm. I sat up in bed and looked down the hall just in time to see the throw rug burst into flames. I jumped up, grabbed it by the corner and ran outside, hosed it off. I went back in and got the pets into the yard, woke up my neighbor, and then realized that without the smoke alarm I would be dead. I would have suffocated and the house would have burned up like a book of matches.
Smoke alarm saved my life.
Parachuting Disaster[rebelmouse-image 18349957 is_animated_gif=
I'm a paratrooper in the 82nd airborne division and had the (now rare) misfortune of suffering a static line injury.
Essentially the cable that opens my chute is attached the top of my chute and the inside of the plane. Through bad luck i ended up with too much slack and it wrapped my arm. I bounced off of the outside of the plane and my parachute was too twisted to open properly. I ended up with a torn bicep and shattered shoulder blade. All things considered my injuries should've been way worse and i'm lucky to be alive
That's A Funny Way To Describe It[rebelmouse-image 18349958 is_animated_gif=
Parted ways with my motorcycle at 80 mph.
Let's Go Around One More Time[rebelmouse-image 18349959 is_animated_gif=
First two times I was rushed to the ER anaphylactic shock. I swear if my mom wasn't beside the hospital bed crying the 1st time I would have let go.
Third time I was on a plane landing at the airport, but clearly flies around it a couple times. The captain comes on the speakers and informed us the wheels may not be locked/deployed. The landing way was lined all sorts of fire/EMS trucks. No problem with the landing, everyone cheered when we touched down. The captain said it was probably just a burnt out light.
I started having seizures in my late 20s, resulting in permanent partial blindness. I kind of brushed off the danger of seizures until I had one for more than a half hour. The neurologist explained that it's really bad for your brain and I was lucky to still not be a brain dead vegetable, let alone alive.
Sometimes Called "The Porcelain Throne"[rebelmouse-image 18349961 is_animated_gif=
Just pushed pretty hard on the throne. Vision narrowed and saw stars.
100% thought [dead]
Like Yo' Mama Always Told Ya'[rebelmouse-image 18349962 is_animated_gif=
Running with scissors.
I was a kid and I was running up the stairs with scissors in my hand. I was holding them in a fist by the handle with the shears facing upwards. I tripped and caught myself with my elbow with less than 1 inch before I impaled the scissors into my neck.
Oh, and I also OD'd on Flintstone Vitamins when I was like 5 years old. Most vitamins won't cause an issue, but the amount of iron I ingested was a problem.
Don't Take The Blue Pill[rebelmouse-image 18349963 is_animated_gif=
When I was barely 6 months old I had a really high fever. My mom took me to the doc and put one of those pills they put up your butt (I forgot what it's called) to fight the fever. He calculated the dosage wrong and after about 40 minutes my whole body was basically blue and I couldnt wake up. My parents rushed me to the ER and they got my body temperature back to normal. The doctor calculated the dosage wrong due to my weight, I was a fairly fat baby but not as fat as he thought I was....
35 Seconds Is All The Difference[rebelmouse-image 18349632 is_animated_gif=
I was 35 seconds too late to die in a major terrorist bomb blast. I was walking directly towards it.
I paced it a few years later. 35 seconds.
edit: doesn't matter which one. it was a big one.
Battling A Tsunami[rebelmouse-image 18349964 is_animated_gif=
Got chased by tsunami then nearly drown in it.
It was 2004, I was on the coffee shop with my best friend, our body still shaking after we had experienced the 8.9 earthquake earlier. We don't know why people began to scream and running to and fro. I saw the electricity tower from far away swaying left and right, we have no idea what really happening. That's when the water slowly rising from our feet rapidly, I thought it way a massive flood, so we just run along with people. Suddenly the stream of flood (it was black) got fierce and went up to 3 meter, we're all swept away.
I alone got sucked into a small store after the water breach the door, I got pulled in along with a few bikes, and a car. I got drowned under those vehicle, I thought, this is it. Somehow there's a force of stream from below, pushed me up, I slipped between the vehicles above me, not smooth though, my upper body got injured badly. As I reached the surface, there's only 30 cm space between the ceiling and the surface of water. Luckily, the water surface level got no higher, it slowly degrading. There are three of us survive inside that small store, pretty sure there's a lot of body on the floor, below the vehicles.
But...How?[rebelmouse-image 18348911 is_animated_gif=
Got my head stuck in a library book return slot.
Wow...[rebelmouse-image 18345776 is_animated_gif=
A big plane hit the building I was in.
Yep. South tower, ~40 floors below the plane.
(c) Oh Myyy LLC
Let me be real for a second.
Every time I listen to Bjork's "Unravel," my heart breaks a bit.
Have you ever listened to it?
It's on Homogenic, her third studio album, and it's incredible, passionate, smartly produced and a great showcase for her stupendous voice.
That song? An emotional rollercoaster, for sure.
There's tons of great music out there, though, and even more sad and gorgeous songs to discover.
People shared their thoughts after Redditor humanbear07 asked the online community:
"What song genuinely breaks your heart everytime you hear it?"
"Ann Wilson has such an amazing voice..."
"There's a few, but the isolated vocal track for Heart's 'Alone' is especially heartbreaking to me. Ann Wilson has such an amazing voice and her emotion really made that band."
Doesn't grow old.
There have been quite a few excellent covers of this one over the years, too.
"The first words give me chills..."
"Most songs by the late Jeff Buckley are sad on their own, and even more devastating in context. But the one that hits me the hardest is his cover of 'I Know It's Over' by the Smiths."
"The subject of the song is up for interpretation no matter what, but Jeff Buckley's premature death adds an element to it that seems to be about his life, whether he planned to or not."
"The first words give me chills the most— they happen after the classic reverby Jeff Buckley intro, the kind Hallelujah fans will be familiar with. He takes his time with this one, like he does with that."
No love for "Lilac Wine"?
It's clearly the best track.
"Ever since my husband..."
"'Merry Christmas, Darling' by the Carpenters. Ever since my husband Tom died in 2012, my heart breaks every Christmas since. We loved Christmas."
Karen Carpenter's voice hits differently when you realize how tortured her life was.
Gone too young.
"My Dad told me..."
"In My Life by The Beatles. My Dad told me when I was a teenager that he wanted it played at his funeral. I still can't listen, and when that day comes and I HAVE TO listen to it to honor his wish, I'm going to be a blubbering mess."
Sounds like you have an excellent relationship with your dad.
"My grandmother died..."
"He Stopped Loving Her Today, by George Jones. My grandmother died almost 20 years before my grandfather, and we played it at his funeral. Just typing this chokes me up a bit."
Songs have even more meaning (sometimes painfully so) when linked to specific moments in our lives, particularly the moments when we've lost people we care about.
"I'm not a Christian..."
"'Bridge Over Troubled Water' by Simon & Garfunkel. Not a Christian, but when I hear it, I understand why people believe."
A beautiful song, and timeless, too.
"My sister's husband..."
"Always on my Mind by Willie Nelson. My sisters husband chose to have it played at her funeral. And yes he was a crappy husband and she died young in a car accident."
Sounds like art imitating life, no?
"He's an amazing songwriter..."
"Jason Isbell has so many it's honestly hard to choose one. Speed Trap Town, Decoration Day, Cover Me Up. He's an amazing songwriter."
I don't know him–it's time to look him up and see how I feel.
"I can already feel tears..."
"One More Light by Linkin Park. I can already feel tears coming to my eyes just by typing this."
Chester Bennington's death was such a shock.
His music lives on.
"My brothers passed away..."
"Simple Man - Lynyrd Skynyrd."
"My brothers passed away in a car accident shortly after coming home from Afghanistan. Reminds me of them every time I hear it."
Sorry for your loss.
Hopefully hearing the song brings you peace.
Hearing a beautiful song can be an immensely moving experience.
And hearing a sad song can, for many people, help them cope with the pain of heartbreak better than they would have otherwise.
Have some suggestions of your own? Feel free to tell us more in the comments below!
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Never miss another big, odd, funny, or heartbreaking moment again.
Unfortunately, a friendship could really end at any point in life.
Friends grow apart, but also, sometimes, it's just necessary to say goodbye to your relationship with a friend.
Maybe they aren't the right type of friend for you anymore, or maybe something has happened in their lives to make them self-destructive and toxic.
The reasons are many, and they are all sad.
Redditor monarchmondays asked:
"People who have unfriended their childhood friend/best friend, what happened?"
Here were some of those answers.
Bad Looking Out
"I was more-so the one who was unfriended. Was going to be the best man in his wedding. Saw his fiance out with another dude. Like on this dude."
"Told him, he told me I was wrong, Yada Yada. Things got heated. I told him I couldn't be his best man. Some years down the road, he caught her cheating."
"Called me up, asked if I wanted to grab a beer. I went. He apologized. I accepted, but we're still not friends."-TheMotorcycleMan
Friends Don't Control Friends
"He was a pathological liar, manipulative and told all of my most trusted secrets to everyone because he wanted to feel powerful and like he controlled me."
"Haven't spoken a word in 5 years and I have never looked back."-TheDandy9
Sometimes Life Is The Only Thing In The Way
"As soon as I left my hometown and my best friend growing up stayed, we both changed in opposite directions. He assimilated to the local lifestyle, quickly became friends with people he never got along with in school."
"I left, made new friends, found new things I liked. He started a family, I started a career."
"The final straw though was he RSVP'd to our wedding and then just didn't show. No text, no call, no anything. I think he was pissed that I didn't make him my best man after I was his best man, even though it was exactly because he wasn't reliable and made everything about himself that I couldn't do it."
"He caused sh*t at other people's weddings and I just didn't want to deal with what I knew would be inevitable. It did highlight though that growing up I was his best friend as a matter of convenience where I genuinely liked hanging out with him."-porscheblack
It's never fun or happy to lose a friend, but sometimes it's necessary for your healing process.
We've Reached The Point Of No Return
"I haven't unfriended her YET but I'm basically at the point where I'm sick of her drama, pettiness and 'main character syndrome.'"
"Anything that doesn't go her way is taken personally and if you disagree with her (or even have a preference that differs from hers) she will berate you into submission and 'agreement.'"
"And heaven forbid you have a life that doesn't consider her wants and desires. We're both 30, almost 31. I'm too old for that sh*t."-Deezus1229
When The Punches Come, I Go
"I met my ex-best mate in school, he had a little narcissistic personality, but I understood that and ignored his faults."
"In late Teens, we started drinking and partying as most do; this is when it became apparent that he had alcohol problems, forever being violent looking for fights, killing my good vibes, and getting me pulled into unwanted situations where I saved him or stopped him from beating on someone for no good reason."
"Throughout our life, he never attempted to fight me. He remained a pretty good friend to me until our first trip overseas to Asia; during our trip, he tried to coward punch me in the back of the head because I asked him to put out his cigarette that he had just lit."
"I asked him because we were seated in a restaurant surrounded by families, for some reason that angered him, I got up to leave and luckily heard him coming and avoided his punch, but he then tried to attack me further, which ended with us both on the ground and me on top of him while he shouted and went crazy."
"Eventually, police arrived and pointed a gun at both of us; luckily, they didn't shoot. Having foreign police aiming at me because my friend wouldn't calm down was one of the most scary moments in my life and that's saying something because I don't come from a easy upbringing."
"He was drunk, of course, and claims he doesn't remember, but there's no excuse to try and coward punch anyone, especially your best mate."
"I packed my bags that night and left our joint holiday plans in the dirt, traveling solo and having a blast. When I got back from my trip, I quit drinking myself and have remained sober for the last five years."
"Throughout that five years, I've had brief encounters with him, but our friendship was never the same. Unfortunately, my old friend never changed as he aged; he eventually went to jail."
"I work in hospitals and have seen him show up to the emergency triage, bashed with broken bones, and just a few months ago, he randomly knocked at my door where my wife answered, he was covered in blood."
"My wife went and woke me up; he had a stab wound and refused to go to the hospital; I drove him home and haven't seen or spoken to him since.. His brother updated me and said he was fine, whatever that means."-King-Callous
When He's A Predator
"I, a 5th grader at the time, knew this chick who was in the 7th grade dating a junior in hs. The dude thought she was 16 because she was lying about her age."
"They had been f**king and sexting and all that jazz...he didn't know she was a minor. I went and told him, and they broke up, and he was pissed... yada, yada yada..."
"They became friends again after a few years. When I was in the 8th grade, she called just so he could flirt with me 🤮. I was 13 then, and he was probably around 20. I blocked her real quick."-Cancerous0713
The End Of An Era
"Inseparable all through jr and HS. We graduated in 85 so no social media but I still feel ghosted. He stopped returning my calls, I always had to initiate and when we did get together he wasn't that interested."
"I gave it a few tries but I got the message and just stopped contacting him and he never reach out to me after that. I never new why and it took almost 10 years for me to get over it and stop thinking about it every day."
"I kind of wish he would have just told me he doesn't like me anymore. I have a current best friend I met in college and we've been friends for 30+ years so it's all good."-DreamArcher
There is never a right time to say goodbye to someone you once considered a trusted friend.
"My best friends young son was killed in a four wheeler accident. I was the first responding paramedic. I had to take him from my friends arms to work on him. Knowing he was dead the all along."
"We flex the child on Lifeflight then I drove my best friend and his wife to the hospital. I knew all along he was dead but they didn't. It wasn't his fault or mine that he died in any way but I could never look my best friend in the eye again."
"All I could see was his pain. So we drifted apart. I finally got to tell him and his wife before my friend died with heart trouble."-hotandhornyinbama
Secret Mental Health Leeches
"She started being nasty to my husband when we got engaged. It was so gross. She was snarky and rude to him every time he spoke and made him feel unwelcome in our own home."
"I kind of fell out of friend love with her after watching her behave like that. My mom thinks it was jealousy or something, idk. My husband is the most fun and caring person I've ever known, I expected her to be happy for me."
"In retrospect, I realized there were a lot of other red flag issues I had been ignorant of. It's been 3 years now and I am so much mentally healthier without the drama she was churning up."-ThunderHeavyRains
When Mom Damaged Her
"Had a friend I met pre-kindergarten but had a falling out in middle school. Families knew each other and we were like sisters. But sadly, her mom was a true definition of a Tiger mom. Her mom always pushed my friend to be in all of these extracurricular activities, music lessons, tutoring, etc. Her mom was always dissatisfied; nothing was good enough."
"She wasn't the most nurturing parent. But my parents were the opposite. Especially my mom, she just wanted me to be a good person and do my best. But naturally I was a very good student."
"So my friend's mom would always compare my friend to me saying I was better than her because I was naturally gifted and didn't NEED all of that help. My friend began to resent me."
"Throughout puberty, she would call me a slut because I was physically developing, tried to imply I was ugly just to see my reaction, threatened to punch me, things I understood where they were coming from but did not think were justified as I had not done anything directly to her."
"Final straw was when she posted on Facebook that she thought I was ugly so I just cut her off completely. I pitied her for her family life but her bitterness toward me was wrong. Because through my eyes, she was my best friend and all she wanted to do was hurt me. Don't regret cutting it off"-dookieconductor
The sad truth is that people are not always meant to be close, and that some people are too mentally unhealthy to have any kind of closeness in their lives.
Until they grow up, there is not much we can do but sadly step aside and take care of ourselves.
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Never miss another big, odd, funny or heartbreaking moment again.
Certain personalities show up at almost every party like clockwork.
There's always that person who get's too drunk, someone awkwardly standing in the corner nursing a drink, the person who's not having a good time no matter what and the person babysitting the crowd they came with.
When there's alcohol—or any other substances—and the pressure of a social situation, all sorts of quirks will come out. We wanted to know what people thought their country would act like if they were a person attending a party.
Redditor amotyvukufyd asked:
"All the countries of the world are at a party. What is your country doing?"
Here are some of the best and most hilarious answers.
The United Kingdom is just leaving.
"Not before slapping the knees and saying 'right.'"
"Northern Ireland looks nervously at her sister before putting her sunglasses on and following."
"As an American from the Midwest, we do a 'welp' knee slap. Then sit/stand for another 25 minutes before leaving."
"Then talk in the porch. Then talk in the doorway. Then talk in the driveway. Then talk out the car window."
"'Yuh, I guess.'"
"'See you around, I suppose.'"
"'Yuh you bet.'"
"Buzz of the window rolling up."
Argentina is in the backyard.
"Argentina is either playing football in the backyard with Brazil or aggressively telling whoever's at the grill how to cook a steak."
"Don't forget, they're also drinking fernet and coke, or even cheap wine and juice, out of a cut off bottle even though there were enough glasses for everyone."
"While listening to El Potro Rodrigo."
"For sure we're arguing with Texans over asado."
"Texas would also totally be there despite not being a country itself."
"Texas showing up to a party where only entire nations are invited is such a Texas thing to do."
Greece is making questionable choices.
"I'm Greek so I guess a lot of sex, wine and questionable financial decisions that will ruin us the morning after."
"At least you have your club of friends who will drive you home when you pass out. My country, Argentina, will spend the night borrowing money. When they finally kick him out, he'll have to walk home, broke and alone. And it will start to rain."
Poland fighting with Russia, Belarus, and Ukraine.
"Poland. In the corner with Russia, Belarus and Ukraine, drinking vodka and fighting each other. Poland fighting Belarus and Ukraine fighting Russia."
"With some EU guys walking by with fancy drinks, dropping some concerns."
"And then Russia says 'Oh, you want some too?' And the EU guys turn and walk away."
"Then hours later writes a strongly worded comment to Russia's Facebook page. After spending 8 hours arguing over the exact wording."
Germany brings the beer.
"I'm German and I'd say Germany would complain about the taste of the beer."
"Germany should be bringing the beer. Please don't leave it to America who will bring some watery Coors Light!"
"Wouldn't they discuss politics too?"
"We so would! I was thinking about what we would do what wasn't absolutely cliché (like bringing the beer). I feel we would not only discuss politics but also rant about it. And other stuff. I feel ranting is really something we like to do. But also Germany would be drinking way too much and be completely fine the next morning..."
India is awkwardly dancing.
"India/that uncle dancing inappropriately in the middle of the dance floor."
"Not gonna lie, they got da best moves though."
"I was gonna say India would be that aunty gossiping about and judging others' outfits/looks, but this one is better."
The USA is just destroying things for fun.
"USA. Chugging beers and trying to smash a foldable table by jumping on it."
"I think the US would be like a really obnoxious frat dude that's also kinda fun. Like waaaay over the top bragging... but also did bring the weed. Then word gets around that he has a gun on him and it makes everyone uncomfortable, but he says it's just cause Russia and China are packing too."
"I figure we'd also be the one who obnoxiously insists on 'defending' every girl in the party- whether the girl wants it or not. Lots of 'do you wanna go?' energy, then trying to clean up any mess we make but just doing the absolute worst job of it while staying way, waaay too long after the party is over."
"We'd also get mad at China for stealing our famous brownie recipe even though we asked them to make it for us."
We aren't sure we want to be invited to that party.
Sounds like there's gonna be a lot of drama.
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Irrespective of men's sexual identity or preference, there are men who hate sports, and there are men who love musical theater. Do participating in either activity make men straight or gay?
"Straight men of Reddit, what is the strangest thing you have been told not to do because 'that's gay?'"
The following behavior just screams, "gay," fellas. Watch out.
"Sing a Lily Allen song during karaoke."
"Advice I received in high school from other students:" "Don't cross your legs with one knee over the other. Put one ankle over the other knee." "When carrying books, palm them and carry them at your side. Don't rest one edge of the books near your waist." "Never button the top button of your shirt."
Look, But Don't Look
"This one time, at summer camp, this guy who'd just been swimming in the lake told me you could tell how cold the water was by how hard his nipples were. 'But don't stare too long,' he said, 'because that's gay.'"
"You were the one who told me to look in the first place!"
Sandwich For Sissies
"When I was a kid, my dad called me a sissy because I cut a sandwich diagonally."
"I played the clarinet. I got called Faginet a lot."
"But that's one women do," one might argue.
"Changing my daughter's diaper. Mentioned it in the office one day. Called gay."
A Lighter Shade
"Buying a white IPhone."
"Added my husband (then boyfriend) to my phone plan. Went to the store on my own to upgrade both our phones. We both just wanted the next gen Samsung. It was only available in purplish-pink in store."
"I shrugged and said it didn't matter, he's putting a case on it anyways. Guys working at the store kept trying to talk me out of it, actively pushing me to go to another store, making them lose commission, just so my partner wouldn't have a feminine phone. He used his pink phone for 3 years."
"I've been criticized for knowing how to sew and cook. Those are essential life skills!"
"My father was a Marine drill instructor in the 50's. Guess who did all the sewing in my house growing up?"
"Yeah, no one dared to call him gay for it."
Here are examples of guidelines for being a manly man, according to manly men.
"Not a straight man but... back in my bartending days I asked a man if he wanted to see a dessert menu. He said 'if I wanted dessert I'd order wings like a real man.'"
"Weird flex but okay."
When I'm In The Mood, I Masticate
"When I'm feeling extra manly, I just take a bite out of a cow and then chew on some raw wheat."
"Like a man."
No Appointments Necessary For Straight Men
"I left a pick-up basketball game because I had an appointment to get a haircut. Evidently, the only straight way to get a haircut is as a walk in."
Abiding By The Law Is So Gay
"Using turn signals. And not as some sort of euphemism, but literally using them while driving to turn or change lanes."
In grade school, some fellow classmates asked me to check for gum on my shoe because they saw me step in some.
When I lifted my leg to take a gander, the boys were howling hysterically as if my actions confirmed something.
Well, it sure did. Apparently, if I l looked at the bottom of my shoe from in front of me, I was "normal," but since I bent my leg back and looked at the bottom of my shoe from behind, that made me "so gay."
Although, I didn't come out 'til years later, maybe those goons were onto something. Thanks for the heads up, guys.
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