English Teachers Reveal The Strangest Personal Details Their Students Have Written About[rebelmouse-image 18348846 is_animated_gif=
Working with kids can be awesome and awful at the same time. They can be hilarious, inspirational, creative geniuses - and they're typically wired for honesty so if you're having a bad hair day, you'd better believe they'll tell you. As trust deepens, students tend to open up even more and that can lead to some uncomfortable moments. One Reddit user asked:
And we immediately thought: **STORY TIIIIME! **
When I was super young, my school had an assembly about alcohol abuse. We had to write an essay afterwards. I divulged in my essay that my grandmother used alcohol literally every night and sometimes even made me use it. I talked about how I hated it because it was stinky.
My grandmothers house had terrible air conditioning. She would put rubbing alcohol on her skin and sleep with an oscillating fan on to keep her skin cool. Sometimes, she'd sprinkle some on me or on the sheets if I slept over.
Nobody had bothered to explain during the assembly that rubbing alcohol wasn't the same as alcohol for drinking. Nobody in my family drank alcohol aside from my grandfather's occasional glass of red wine; so I had never heard the word "alcohol" used to mean anything other than rubbing alcohol. The assembly scared the bejeezus out of me and had me convinced my grandmother was going to die if I didn't get her help for her "alcohol addiction."
There were multiple meetings with multiple authorities after that one. Rightfully so. I was lucky enough to have teachers and administratros who took this seriously. I was clearly in no danger, but if I had been, I would have wanted the adults to react the way they did.
My parents took it well; they still make fun of me for it at every opportunity possible.
Sister's Birthday[rebelmouse-image 18348847 is_animated_gif=
I teach English as a second language in an Asian country. One of my students wrote her final senior speech about her older sister who died as an infant. In a pile of fluff essays, I really did not expect to come upon such a deep topic.
She wrote that they still celebrated her sister's birthday and her mom bought a cake every year. She also described how sad her mom was after her sister's death and how hard it was for her to continue to have children. I went up to the girl in the next class and told her if she wanted to talk more she could come to me any time. She seemed surprised I said anything. When she gave her speech to the class everyone was really respectful and she ended up placing in the top 10.
The Ineffectiveness Of Vaginal Douching[rebelmouse-image 18348849 is_animated_gif=
First time poster, but I finally have a story I can share. I'm a social studies teacher but teach English in Summer School. Practicing state test essays with the kids and one of them asks: "Mister, can we write an argument about whatever we want or just the topics on the essay prompts?" Not thinking anything of this I told her that as long as she had evidence she could argue whatever she wanted.
About a week later, I get a gem of an essay, fully sourced, about the ineffectiveness of vaginal douching. Hands it in, totally straight face, eager to get my feedback. To be fair, this girl was an immigrant and perhaps it wasn't as strange in her country to mention that douching doesn't work for you to a teacher, but I wasn't sure how to respond.
She ended up getting a pretty good grade on the assignment because her argument used solid anecdotal and medical evidence from online and personal experiences. I also ended up learning a lot more about douching than any man needs to know.
Adversity[rebelmouse-image 18348850 is_animated_gif=
My college application essay had to be about an adversity that I faced. So I wrote about how my boyfriend committed suicide. I made it up. He did not commit suicide, but he did threaten to commit suicide. I think he had borderline personality issues.
I realize now that I was being emotionally abused and manipulated, and that's f^cking plenty of "adversity". At the time I was still going through it, and I thought I had never really faced any adversity. I thought this was no big deal. I had a good childhood, my parents are still married, no one had ever even died (at the time), no one is chronically ill or anything, I'm white and middle class. These days we would call that highly privileged. It leaves you with a really odd insecurity about yourself, like you're somehow not worth sh!t unless you've suffered something and "faced adversity".
I still hate that stupid f^cking prompt to this day, even though I could trot out plenty answers to it now.
Taro[rebelmouse-image 18348851 is_animated_gif=
In Japan I worked with a junior high student named Taro. My job was to help him prepare for a speech by translating it from broken English to proper English, and helping him rehearse. The first line of his speech was:
**"Some days I don't want to be alive, I think it would benefit everyone if I was dead, but I can't. My mom won't let me." **
I had to put it down leave the room and have a big cry.
The speech was about how he has autism and how difficult it is for him to understand people and for people to understand him. Ultimately, he ends up doing or saying the wrong thing and he feels like he hurts people around him. He attempted suicide, but his mom found him and begged him to never try again. At the end of the speech, he asks people to try and accept people like him and if they see someone acting strange to remember they might be like him. Maybe they need more understanding.
He encouraged the audience to just ask him, he will explain his autism to them. He also asked them to forgive him, he is doing his best and to remember
"10 people, 10 colours" - it is okay to be different. Different allows us to broaden our minds.
At 14 Taros feeling of being a burden but were like what I felt. It took me until I was 20 to accept those feelings and not hurt myself. He has done it at 14. I told him I was proud of him and that I understand those feelings. We both cried a little. He asked me if I wanted a hug. Instead of just saying yes, I asked him if he wanted to hug. He said no, but he had learned that hugging is what people like to do when they are sad.
We didn't hug.
Damn it Taro! You are my hero!
Creative Expression[rebelmouse-image 18348853 is_animated_gif=
My creative composition professor once had a student write a very graphic vignette about how said professor fell down a flight of stairs and broke every bone in his body. The student got an A because of how well written the piece was.
"Ladies, I'm Single."[rebelmouse-image 18348854 is_animated_gif=
I was in my public address class and someones first persuasive speech was about why you should rebel against society. Sounds like a cool idea right?
Well, he somehow mixed into his speech the fact that makeup causes violence because women cant afford it and go crazy killing people. He also brought up the fact that his parents are swingers and tell him about their "lifestyle activities" regularly.
His conclusion? "Ladies I'm single." Full finger guns and clicking sounds included.
You could say the speech was entertaining at least. 10/10 would be persuaded again.
Noodle Fight[rebelmouse-image 18348855 is_animated_gif=
One of my students here in Mexico wrote "noodle fight" in the middle of her written report, it had nothing to do with her report and it came out of nowhere, to this day I still don't know what she meant! BTW, I'm an English teacher here in Mexico and this happened at a university, the students were learning English as a second language!
Future Hitler[rebelmouse-image 18348676 is_animated_gif=
I'm not an English teacher, but I read and advise current high schoolers on their college admissions essays and portfolios. One in particular stands out in my mind.
This boy, was quiet and reserved, as far as I could tell. He seemed smart, and had good grades. After a few attempts at college application essays that were "meh", I encouraged him to write about something that really meant a lot to him personally. He agreed to write another essay, this time writing from the heart, "with no filter."
I was excited---I have read a rare few superb college essays, and so I can tell when a student is inspired. A week later, we meet again, and he hands me his draft, looking a little uneasy. I expected something personal, like something about his family. Instead, as I read it, I realized that I was reading a literal manifesto.
It started out strong---talked about how he felt like an outsider because he had strong opinions, but believed that nobody would agree with him. After the intro, he basically outlined his entire political philosophy, in detail. First, economics: all currency should be abolished, production should be controlled by the state, and citizens should be given only what they need. Okay, I thought, Marxism is a little unusual.
Then, he went into society: all people should wear the same exact thing, uniforms, every day; all languages besides English should be outlawed; people should be sterilized at birth and permitted to breed only at the behest of the government. I was absolutely f---- up at this point, and this wasn't even half of the essay. It went on for maybe 2,000 more words (WAY over the word limit), and described a global government ruled by twelve people chosen for their IQ, wherein all people are assigned careers based on aptitude tests, and "dissenters" (his word) are "removed" from society and forced to live in labor camps. Basically, this kid spent several pages outlining a civilization somewhere between The Giver and 1984. Your textbook dystopian nightmare.
I didn't have any idea what to say, or where to even begin, so I just told him it was very interesting, but didn't talk about himself enough. I suggested we take a look at his previous draft.
He got into an exceptional school, and is now studying political science.
I may have enabled future Hitler.
Ms. Hunter Quits[rebelmouse-image 18348856 is_animated_gif=
I've actually had the reverse happen before, where an English teacher revealed a personal issue to our class through an assignment.
It was 6th grade. My English teacher was a young, peppy woman that always made time for her students and always had some sage advice for her them if you made the effort to ask. As a problem child myself, she was one of the few teachers I can recall being comfortable talking to about my own personal issues. One day, I remember the class getting a week long assignment where we had to write a short essay about something we were struggling with (be it personal, something relating to school, etc.), with the catch that it can be done anonymously. Over the course of the week, we submitted them, and she would read them out loud. Some people we could guess wrote what, some people we couldn't, as is the nature of these kinds of assignments.
That Friday, the assignment is pretty much winding down, and as she finishes reading what we think is the last essay, she says "Actually, one other person submitted an essay." hesitates a bit, and starts reading it. At first, no one is really sure who it's about and I could see a few people zoning out a bit. It wasn't until the words "nicotine addiction" popped up that people started listening and everyone noticed that our teacher was actually fighting back tears while reading it. As it turns out, reading our papers over the course of the week inspired her to confront her own nicotine /cigarette addiction. Everything ended with a big class group hug. She actually did manage to quit.
Hope you're doing okay out there, Ms. Hunter.
Horrible Beginning, Happy End[rebelmouse-image 18348857 is_animated_gif=
Between 16 and 21 I was a TA, then later, guest speaker in my high school health class.
I was both because I had grown up in an abusive home, had a history of drug addictions and alcoholism plus I had my first son when I was 16. So I would talk to the class about the importance of using a condom / birth control, the difficulty of parenthood as a teen, How to deal with abusive and dangerous home situations, As well as running a lot of group activities on the dangers of drug addiction and alcoholism.
The end of every quarter the teacher would ask them to write a thank you note for me. For both my TA stuff then guest speaking.
One girl wrote me a 4 page letter about how much it helped her and made her believe she could fix herself too, and that she didn't need to kill her self that summer.
She had hated her self and blamed her self for everything. I told her teachers that I HAD TO talk to her, and I grabbed her out of her next class after reading her letter and we spoke for the rest of the day. She went into great detail of everything that had been happening for the past 9 years. We made a plan and got her out of her house, into drug counseling.
She and I still talk to this day and she is doing very well. Shes getting her degrees to become a child psychologist specializing in helping children recover from abuse. She's become one of the most well adjusted young women I have ever known.
He's Never Been In The Military[rebelmouse-image 18348858 is_animated_gif=
I wrote my SAT essay about my dad who had died in Iraq. He's never been in the military. I may be an awful person, but I got a great score on it and I wouldn't have done it if it wasn't just between me and the person grading it... And now the whole internet I guess.
Because She Was Drunk[rebelmouse-image 18348859 is_animated_gif=
For one of my journalism classes last year we had to write a piece about a life changing moment. Every single one of us wrote about someone in our life who had died, except for one girl, who wrote about a time she accidentally drank a bottle of olive oil because she was drunk
"He Shouldn't Be A Teacher"[rebelmouse-image 18348860 is_animated_gif=
I teach in South Korea. One of my 6th grade students keeps a personal journal in English that he's very proud of. He is just starting to learn English, so his entries are usually very simple things like:
**"Today I went to the park!" **
One day he showed me his journal and one page had a detailed description about how the science teacher hit him hard in front of the whole class because he couldn't do one of the experiments properly. That page was longer than any other page in that journal, and more complex too. I remember the sentence:
"I feel bad every day in that class because my teacher is a horrible man. He shouldn't be a teacher."
The Poetic Love Triangle[rebelmouse-image 18348861 is_animated_gif=
Two years ago I put my students through a poetry unit which involved the writing of a LOT of poems. I think each student probably wrote ten to fifteen poems in a month in a variety of styles and lengths, with different amounts of editing.
At the end, we produced a poetry wall where everyone's poems went up and hung there for the rest of the year. One day as I was reading over the wall, I realized that - if you knew the kids involved - you could TOTALLY follow the course of a grade nine love triangle through the poems.
You could read about how happy Jane had been with John, but then about how much of a dick John had become. Then they changed to Jane's discovery of how nice Tim is, and how much she liked spending time with Tim. Meanwhile, Tim's poems start off being all lonely and then observing John and Jane from a distance, getting to know Jane, happiness with Jane and finally overwhelming joy when Jane leaves John and starts to date Tim.
John, for his part, showed some understanding in his later poems, his earlier stuff being mostly dark and accusatory. Ultimately, John realized that Jane was probably better off with Tim and came to know that he, too, would be okay and was a better person for going through it.
Of course it was all symbolic and didn't have any names attached, but if you knew the kids, and knew the fact they'd had this little love triangle, it was almost painfully obvious what they were writing about.
"Gay Videos"[rebelmouse-image 18348862 is_animated_gif=
I didn't experience this a teacher, but as a student. We had to give a presentation in our communications class about our guilty pleasures. Some people did chocolate or keeping up with the Kardashians.
An international student did hers on "GV, aka, gay videos." She did indeed mean pornography. I mean slides with images and everything.
Something Bad Can Turn Out Good.[rebelmouse-image 18348863 is_animated_gif=
In high school, my son had to write about how a bad thing turned out to be something good. The bad thing was his mother's death. He gave me a copy. I'll hold onto that forever.
His mom turned into a much different woman from the person I'd married. She'd become addicted to opioids, was angry all of the time, and took the slightest incident and magnified it all out of proportion. We were in the process of getting divorced when she died of an overdose. According to his essay, the good was that she wasn't yelling at us any more; that I'd met the person who is now my fiancée, and was much happier. Also, instead of her being a non-working financial burden, I was receiving SSI survivors' benefits for him and his younger brother. That meant I didn't have to work as many hours, and had gotten a better job, so I had nights and weekends off to be with the family instead of working mall hours.
It's been a couple of years since I've read it, so I don't remember the details, but that's the gist of it. We're all happy now. We weren't before.
About A Boy[rebelmouse-image 18348864 is_animated_gif=
Not the teacher, but wanted to share this story. In tenth grade, we were assigned to write a paper about a major moment in our life. At one point, we had to present our rough drafts to the entire class. A friend of mine started her essay with something along the lines of
"I remember standing there. Knowing HE was in that room. That HE would change my life. That HE would -"
And my teacher cut off her. Called her out in front of the class, told her off for "writing about something as unimportant as a boy"
My friend was shaken up, then flatly announced her paper was about the day she met her biological father and what it felt like to be told to never contact him or his new family again.
_The teacher was mortified. _
I believe she pulled her out later to apologize, but there wasn't much coming back from that.
Mom Chose The Boyfriend[rebelmouse-image 18348865 is_animated_gif=
Students (grade 3...9ish y/o) had to write a poem that goes like
I am happy when\__
I am excited when_
I am angry when\__
I am sad when*__*
One girl wrote "I am angry when" but never finished it. There were multiple erased words. Then:
**"I am sad when my mom's boyfriend comes over" **
I saw it when she turned it in - as they were being dismissed to gym.
I asked her to stick around. I went line by line through the poem asking her to explain each point. She couldn't explain why she erased the "angry" part, just saying she couldn't find the right words. She said:
"I don't know what word fits for angry all the time."
She said that moms boyfriend makes her cry, and he grabs her too hard. I asked her why he grabs, and she said he grabs her when she's being bad. I asked her to point to where, and she pulled up her pink sleeve. She had bruises on her arms.
I asked if she wanted some juice, or a treat before gym to keep the conversation moving away from what evidence I uncovered. She had a hard candy and we walked to gym together while she happily enjoyed it and we talked about her favorite gym game.
After I dropped her off, I went right to the principals office, and told them the situation and we made notes on the conversation. We had to follow protocol, so child protective services were called, they saw the girl half an hour later, and she was taken to their day center while the mom was contacted.
Her mother refused to leave the boyfriend, and the child was relinquished into protective services. She was forced to change schools, the whole bit. The last time I saw her was guarding a bowling pin from being pelted by dodgeballs. She had a big smile, mishapen only by the candy she still had tucked in her cheek
My heart still hurts in all kinds of ways thinking about it. I have never talked to friends or family about it. This is the first time I've said anything in over a year.
Never Asking That Again[rebelmouse-image 18348867 is_animated_gif=
As a first assignment to a composition class I would have students do a personal essay where they had to discuss something that happened to them earlier in their life and how their perspective on that event has changed over time. It was natural that a lot of students would pick tragic events but usually it was when their grandma died or something like that. They could sometimes be a bit hard to read but were generally not too bad.
But then I had a student tell a story about her younger sister getting sucked into the propellers of a speedboat and chopped to pieces. The next semester I cut that assignment from my curriculum and have never used it again.
Remember way back when the internet wasn't a flaming dumpster fire?
Yeah, us either.
The internet has always been a mess, but it's also always been beautiful.
It connects people, ideas, senses or humor, creativity! Yes, we've got our fair share of deviants, murderers, and trashbag people, but we've also got decades of wonder to celebrate.
Newbies like to think using the internet for awesomeness is something they came up with, but the old heads are here to tell you the internet has ALWAYS been a complicated crash course in the coolest stuff ever.
So let's hop in the wayback machine and get our nostalgia on.
Reddit user ransom0374 asked:
"What do you miss from early internet times?"
So let's take that walk down memory lane, or if you're new-ish here on planet Earth, this is going to be a fun little "history" lesson.
If you're uncertain where you fall, here's a test:
"Badger, Badger, Badger, Badger..."
If you finished the song, you're probably going to remember quite a few of these...
"AIM away messages saying stupid stuff like 'BRB going to get some bagel bites.' "
"Don't forget to update your personal profile with Blink 182 lyrics and the initials of your school sweetheart and some ASCII. Browse for a new inappropriate buddy icon and strike up a convo with SmarterChild"Giphy
"I miss the wild unknown frontier that the internet was."
"It seemed there was so much discovery to be had on the internet, and if you were good at the internet everyone thought of you as 'Hackerman' and you were like a God amongst your peers."
"It seems like there isn't anything 'new' on the internet anymore. No discoveries to be made."Giphy
The Irony Is Not Lost On Us
"Variety. There's a popular tweet that says something like 'the internet has turned into four websites where on each one people share screenshots of the other three.' "
"I miss when you could search a term and there would be dozens of sites dedicated to it or forums especially for it. Now it's just ads, Wikipedia, and Reddit."
"Oh, and not having ads shoved down your throat every time you search a term or navigate to a page!"
"I know there were pop ups and banners, which weren't any better. But there was a sweet spot."
"There was a few years there where you could Google something and half the first page WASN'T sponsored ads that had nothing to do with what you looked up. And you could go to a website and it DIDN'T block the page with a full screen ad asking for your email to join their mailing list or save 10% on their merchandise."Giphy
Figuring It Out
"That all the webpages were just random people trying to figure out HTML."
"There really wasn't a corporate presence at all. It was just a place for people to experiment."
"You could click on a button and make a cardboard hand wave at someone's cats. You could dispense a coke from a machine in some dorm. It was dumb and fun."Giphy
"The learning was endless."
"There were almost an infinite source of information from all over the world. If you wanted to find something all you had to do was search for it in Ask Jeeves or whatever and you'd find any website that had ever mentioned that thing."
"There were more than 10 different websites. And at least it didn't feel like I was being forced to sign up for a subscription after every click."
"There were so many fun, cute stores to shop. Now it feels like everyone dresses and decorates the same."
"I miss a lot of things about the early internet. I'm probably wrong, but it just felt safer than it does now?"Giphy
"I was in my late teens when the internet was becoming accessible to everyone. Our one household computer was in the kitchen & facing in a way so anyone coming in could see your screen."
"I remember looking at someone's website and my Dad passing by to get something to eat, asking me if the person on the website was my friend."
"I miss those old days! The internet seemed endless & friendly."Giphy
A Base Level For Participation
"Most people were smart."
"In the early days (by far) most people on the internet were in college, either as a teacher or student. Beyond that, people had to to be in a lab or make their computer talk to a connected computer which was not so easy in the old days."
"It acted as a sort of intelligence barrier one needed clear to participate in internet things."
"Higher barrier to entry."
"I remember the fond days of SLIP and Trumpet Winsock when you had to know at least a little about tech to get on and participate."
"There was still stupidity, but it just wasn't as loud as it is now."
"In the very very early days, pre-AOL, you needed skill and knowledge to get online."
"Then AOL came onto the scene an d anyone could get online at the push of a button."Giphy
Go Away Now
"I miss when what happened on the internet, stayed on the internet."
"You could turn off the beige box and go about the rest of your day without it affecting you."
"The fact that is only existed on a big computer in the house, as long as no-one was on the phone. It wasn't some all-encompassing thing."
"The internet not following me around. When you logged off, you effectively put the internet away."Giphy
It Used To Be...
"How people used to treat it."
"The internet was not just a novelty, but an amazing piece of technology that let anyone share anything. It was so wholesome and loving, with everyone still being amazed at what we could do now."
"Now? There's so many websites that are designed to make you angry and radicalize your beliefs. It's quantity over quality."
"There was a time when nobody on Reddit shared politics, when Facebook was for socializing, when YouTube was where people uploaded stuff they were passionate about."Giphy
We Used To Love Yahoo
"I can't remember what it was called, but Yahoo had this great music video program where it showed popular artists, and some very unknown folks."
"I discovered some of my favorite artists having it play in the background all the time."
"Launchcast/Yahoo Radio. It was revolutionary for music streaming and the 1-5 star system worked really well. I preferred it over Pandora's up/down system."Giphy
On a personal level, I want to go on record and say MusicMatch was the greatest music program in the history of life.
It just was.
I will die on this hill.
It was dopeness in all forms. MusicMatch Jukebox? Dope. Yahoo MusicMatch? Dope.
So what relics from Ye Olde Internet are you passionate about? Sound off in the comments!
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Never miss another big, odd, funny or heartbreaking moment again.
No one wants war.
Who is going to light the powder keg and set it all off?
Which country will start WW3? Why?
Does anyone really want to start another world war?
They may not have a choice in the matter.
Getting It Out Of The Way Early
"Austrian here, we will do it again probably, I would like to say sorry in advance! Most plausible reason at the moment is because Germans eat schnitzel with sauce on top, then this conflict will spiral out again into WW3."
"Third time's the charm!"
-Some Austrian, probably
Civil War 2: Electric Boogaloo
"It'll be a civil war that devolves into a world war, with no one country clearly responsible for this change."
"But we'll blame it all on germany again, right"
Why I Oughtta...
"At this point, there are enough nukes in the world to ensure that a World War would simply result in nuclear annihilation on all sides. Say what you want about authoritarians like Xi Jinping, Kim Jung Un, and Ali Khameni, they are many things; but they're not suicidal. They know that an all out war would just end everyone, including them, so they're not going to. This is why the US and the USSR never went to all out war, despite coming close a few times; the risks were just too great for both sides."
"What could easily happen, however, is another cold war, this time between the US and China. And like in the Cold War, there could be proxy wars fought as a result of it, but it's unlikely that any country will take the insane risks of starting World War 3."
A full-blown world war is a tricky thing to get off the ground, that is if anyone wants it. The leading cause to impending war could come out of nowhere, or somewhere completely unexpected, or perhaps it will never come.
2-Day War Delivery
"Bruh its gunna be Amazon, not a country"
"Jeff Bezos finna be dropping Amazon basics nukes on us"
Can It Even Happen?
"I don't think the world can handle another world war. simply for the sake that we're all so interconnected. every major nation trades with each other and are in bed with each other. I would be a detriment to whatever country starts a war."
"Think about how the global supply chain has been impacted by the pandemic, the world would probably cease to function all together in a major conflict."
"There was a quote I liked, I think it was from Dan Carlin. He said that leading up to WWI Europe had become too economically entwined to go to war with itself, but none of the economists were invited to the war councils. The generals making the decisions didn't understand the situation so they made dumb decisions. The situation is undoubtably more-so interconnected today, the question is, do we have economists making the call on starting wars?"
A Little Humor Before We Get To The Serious Stuff...
"Probably America, I mean they made Wonder Woman 1 & 2, so highly likely they'd make WW3. At least start it. Not sure why someone else would finish it."
"No, they don't know how to count.. They jumped from WW1 to WW84."
Is it in the realm of possibility? Possibly.
After all, people will be people.
Anyone Else Surprised? No?
"America have a surplus of military might, a recent history of starting wars for profit, EVERYTHING is politicised and extreme nationalism and xenophobia are normalised within the populace. I'm going with them."
These All Feel Tangible
"My guesses would be 1) USA vs China over Taiwan or 2) China vs India (a lot on tension there that doesn't get a lot of news attention)"
"India-Pakistan and China-India are hot beds."
"India and Pakistan have been at war numerous times since their inception. 5 'official' wars and 9 minor skirmishes, to be exact. The last conflict ended with a ceasefire in 2003, but the last incident was a series of skirmishes along the Line of Control in Kashmir, from November 2020 to February 2021."
"Neither is capable of a full-fledged invasion of the other, so it's limited to border disputes. And while Pakistan does have nukes, it would be suicide to use them. There's no incentive for any other countries to get involved."
Going For It
"China making a move on Taiwan or some other land grab in India or other bordering countries."
An Infectious Idea
"India and Pakistan. It will spread to China, then North Korea (or North Korea first) and pull in many others in Asia. This will pull in NATO, either directly or via global partners (Australia)."
This One Makes WAY Too Much Sense
"Twitter. Someone will probably make a typo that everyone takes the wrong way..."
Well, what do you think could happen? Let us know in the comments.
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So let's talk about how a dog owner on Facebook learned her dog's "adorable" behavior was, in fact, furious masturbation.
Readers, if you know anything about me you know I love a good plot twist and I love chonky puppers.
Yesterday, life combined my two great loves in a hilarious and inappropriate way.
I was mindlessly scrolling through my dog groups on Facebook when a video with a few hundred laugh reacts but almost no comments caught my eye.
The still from the video was a pudgy little Frenchie, so obviously I had to read and watch.
The dogs owner shared the video along with a post asking professionals to shed some light on why he does what he does.
Owner-obliviousness as they gushed about how adorable it was made the awkward even better.
The owner explained the Frenchie often makes aggressive eye contact and licks his lips while he "plays air guitar"—which is what the family calls it—and how cute & funny they all find the behavior.
The video was the dog, casually chilling, using his paw to rub the tip of his penis while staring awkwardly at the camera and licking his lips like a pup possessed.
Three hundred and fifteen laugh-reacts—at the time that I saw it—and only three comments:
1. a vet explaining that the behavior showed in the video was the dog masturbating while making direct eye contact
2. the owner giving a simple "thank you" and
3. the admins of the group closing the comments.
So, why am I sharing this with you?
Because Reddit user Drakmamman asked:
"Dog owners of reddit, what the dog doin?"
... and so now you get this whole article just so I had an excuse to tell y'all about a furiously fapping Frenchie, 'cause somebody else needed to know about him.
I cackled for a good 20 minutes imagining the family getting all giddy about their dog "playing air guitar"—making the little air guitar meedly squeedly noises while he played, maybe even playing along thinking they're enjoying a fun little game—but they're really just been giving a hair metal soundtrack to their dogs stroke sesh.
Something tells me now the owner knows what "air guitar" really is, they're not likely to rush and tell Reddit all about how they've been gathering as a family to watch cause it's just so cute.
That's what I'm here for.
Anyway, here's the stuff other people's dogs are up to. It's not fapping—or if it is, the owners aren't telling Reddit.
"Wife just came home with the baby. Dog is acting like she's been abandoned for years running up and down, barking and jumping on everything."
"They'd only been out an hour and I was with her the whole time." - Single_Goose7015
"My dog does this too when my wife comes home. Like what am I, chopped liver?" - jackof47trades
"I feel your pain. My dog started howling mournfully when my partner went back to work last week… I was right there!" - TreatOutside
"Staring at the door waiting for the only human he cares about to come home (obviously not me)" - SnarkyRedhead
"Probably trying to herd the cats."
"He's a border collie mix who's afraid of goats and sheep, but even after six years of living with them he still thinks he can control where the cats go."
"He's a good boy, he's very persistent, but not terribly bright sometimes." - TokesNotHigh
"After 8 years our border collie still herds the cats, and the vacuum." - psychologicaluse28
"Big heart, small brain. I have one of those dogs too. They are the sweetest." - Technobucket
"She has flung herself flat across the bed and is playing dead, quiet except for the occasional pitiful whine. Every now and then she lifts her head up and fixes a desperate look upon me, silently begging for release from her wretched existence."
"She's a bit overdramatic about having to wear a cone. The issue is an abrasion on a toe that she won't stop licking, which is making it worse."
"I've been alternating between bandaging it and having her wear a cone. She's been consistently a drama queen." - halfinboxes
"Staring at me because their dinner time is in one hour and they need to start letting me know that, in an hour, they need to eat...in an hour, so I better not forget...cuz they're hungry, which is why they're staring at me...and it's almost dinner time."
"Just one more hour, And they want to make sure I don't forget. Because maybe I will."
"So, they need to remind me. By staring at me. Every day. One hour before dinner." - MotherOfFred
A Little "Light" ExerciseGiphy
"Mine loves light reflected off watches or phones. And loves lasers."
"It's sunny and he sees light on the wall so he is bothering me to use my watch or phone so he can chase the light. I've spent the last hour doing it."
"I even got him a cat laser toy that's automatic for him and he runs himself tired as all hell with it. But he is STILL asking for it."
"Used the laser toy also too, so he is panting dripping tongue and still wants to play more..." - boomgoon
"Last night my dogs chased down and killed a rabbit in the backyard. They are usually so gentle; this was weird and unexpected."
"I watched the whole thing helpless because it was so fast. The rabbit screamed, it was insane."
"Now, I'm watching them sleep on my couch and can't help but think they just murdered someone."
"They are just vicious predators, right here, in my house. On my couch."
"But they snuggly as f*ck. This trips me out." - Atheist_Redditor
A Problematic PrincessGiphy
"We have two chihuahuas. One is a 15 year old (quite appropriately) named Princess and one is a one year old named Charlie."
"Both have their own dog beds on the couch since they are spoiled."
"When Princess is feeling particularly moody or like asserting her dominance, she will drag Charlie's bed into her bed and lay on top of BOTH of them and snarl at him if he comes close to her personal space bubble/bed mountain."
"And when we tell her she can't have both beds and put his bed back to the side, she just glares at us. Lol." - mslm90
"She's currently in her cage resting after her great adventure."
"She managed to get upstairs and grab a hold of one of my shoes. Not just any old shoe, but one of the shoes I am planning to wear this weekend for my wedding."
"After running around, she dropped the shoe to chew on a shirt - at which point she was cornered, and then brought downstairs."
"Pup and shoe are both unharmed and doing well. My nerves, not so much." - still_interesting23
So ... what's YOUR dog been up to lately?
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Have you ever fantasized about what it would be like to win the lottery? Having money for the rest of your life, as far as the eye can see, to cover your expenses.
And have you thought about all the things you would buy if you could really afford them? Are they ALL practical things, or are some of them silly?
We always love to fantasize about what life would be like if money were no object. And you are not alone!
Redditor OnlyVillager asked:
"If you won the lottery, what's something 'useless' that you would buy?"
Here were some of those answers.
I Be The Witch Of The Wood
"My teenage daughter disclosed to me the other day that her biggest life goal is to buy a house on an acreage that has a large wooded area."
"She plans to build me a house in the woods, fund whatever ridiculous bullsh*t art installations I want to erect in the woods, then spread rumors in neighboring towns that a witch lives back there."
"She's the best."-OpossumJesusHasRisen
My Kingdom For A Castle
"I'm blowing it all on a castle. No, not one of those fairy tale mansions from the 19th century robber barons called 'castles'.
"A fully loaded, honest-to-god, obsolete, medieval fortress. Two curtain walls, a keep, towers, barbican, portcullis, murderholes, loopholes, machicolations, the works. It'll be a well warmed summer retreat/place to hide out if another plague hits the world."
"I'm buying Au Train island in the Upper Peninsula to be specific. When the feds finally come after billionaires to pay their fair share, I'm running to my island and sealing the gates behind me."
"So I can get my affairs in order and pay my taxes. What were you thinking I was gonna do? Hide from the IRS? They can breach any castle lmao."-DaemonTheRoguePrince
I Wanna Be A Billionaire
- "I want a cold water dispenser on my desk. It has to be connected to the water line, filtered and cooled. Ideally it also has that thing that automatically knows when the container is almost full."
- "My new lifestyle would be to live 4 weeks in a different city, then 1 week at home. In each city, I would stay in a Luxury Airbnb or a five star hotel."
- "I would hire a professional soccer coach. I'm talking someone that trains pro players. I'm Arab and I'm tired of not being good at soccer, just a few months of lessons and I'll be able to participate in pick up games and have fun."
- "I would also hire singing, guitar and piano instructors. Singing would be the toughest because my voice sucks, but I figure with time I can be good enough to sing a song if I want to reference it. That's how bad I am today."-Reformedjerk
Imagine just not having to think when you click the "purchase" button.
A Nice Siesta
"Maybe not exactly "useless" in the way people are thinking (the way the question is asked makes me think by "useless" they mean "stupid/wasteful" but I'm thinking in terms of things that are fun and only for the purpose of having fun), but do vacations count?"
"If I had that much money all to myself, I would 100% rather have a regular sized house/car and spend the money on experiences instead."
"The idea of having a normal life but knowing that I can just decide to take the day off and go to DisneyLand or treat myself to a fancy dinner whenever the hell I want to is a fantasy I've had since I was literally a little kid."
"I get that those aren't useful things because they're not things I could USE like a car/house/purse/etc, but I'd definitely be happy:)"-StreetIndependence62
"Well this stuff is only useless if there isn't some sort of apocalyptic event that happens in my lifetime."
"That said, I'd go full prepper and bury myself a bunker in the desert with tons of food and water stored away and decked out with solar panels, a garage full of electric cars, and a stash of every sort of modern electronic equipment available in vast quantities."
"So this would be a huge waste of money if there's never an apocalypse. But it would be very valuable to me if there happens to be one."-TimHawks1983
"I have always wanted a talking toilet. I don't even know why at this point. I just saw it on a tv show, don't even remember what, and since that day I have thought 'yes, I want this.'"
"But right now, with my paupers wage, I cannot afford such a thing. I have a lot of serious plans for lottery level money. I would open a shelter for homeless people and start my own dog shelter. As well as my own theme park."
"But I would still get a talking toilet."-MagnificentColossus
Put Your Bird On My Shoulder
"I would get into falconry, vintage guitars from the 50s and 60s, a live in Cook, most of the surfaces that I touch would be marble, and I would save a significant portion of my money to split between investments and gambling on riskier stocks."
"Depending on how much money a private jet would be in the cards as well as a flight license. This is one of my favorite things to daydream about"-freemason777
The best part of all of this is, it doesn't matter that these things are useless.
They bring us joy, and that is what matters.
"Boring" "Flame Thrower"???
"Definitely a boring company flame thrower. And a Barrett M82."
"Probably a supercar too, but not to drive it. I want to light it on fire in a public space as an appeal to consumerism right before I go take a private jet to Nappa Valley to eat at the French Laundry and get hammered on the most expensive bottles of wine I can find."-xdylanxfrommyspace
"There are many things I bought that I regretted it immediately. I love to try new stuff. Especially no-brand or brand that is not famous. My curiosity is very high, that is the problem."
"I wanted to know whether those products are okay for human being. For example, I bought BioAqua face products. The most product I regret is BioAqua aloe vera. After my third use of the product, I actually experience worst allergic in the world."
"My skin had a lot of red patches appeared in just few hours. It was itchy but not painful. Just I keep scratching my skin but I tried my best to control it."
"It took about three - five days to keep it clear with medication and creams. Then after a couple of weeks, I decided to use it again. I got the reaction."
"Thankfully, I still have the medication and the cream. So, I took it immediately. I also did not apply the cream that much compared to previous time."
"I still have the aloe vera bottle in my room. I wanted to throw it but I could not throw it. Yet, I cannot use it and yes, I feel sad when I saw it. So, you can understand how I feel."-nimbledealing53
Hobby Hobby Hobby!
"If I won the lottery - I would open a shop for my favorite hobby. I would manage it like a business, giving a decent wage to several workers allowing them to pursue a degree or whatever and have a job that doesn't suck."
"I'd lose money on running a store. But I'd enjoy it. I'd enjoy sharing my hobby, selling the stuff I love at reasonable prices and giving a few young people a good job in a stress free environment."
"Useless store, great life experience for the people I'd employ."-Dealthagar
Money doesn't solve all of the world's problems or all of a person's problems, even—but it certainly does make life a little easier here and there for those who need it.
Hopefully the 21st century sees all of us buying things with our millions of dollars.
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