There is something about the logic of children. Armed with almost no life experience, and so no facts to begin with, little kids make insane conclusions.
Remembering those wild imagined fears and convictions is quite a trip.
A six-year-old overhears an older brother out of context--suddenly haircuts make you die. On the bus, an eight-year-old learns traffic laws that belong in Alice's Wonderland.
Sure, all of us adults would love childhood imagination to strike a balance: run wild and enjoyable, going where it may, but while remaining productive.
But kids are left among themselves--either alone or in groups with one another--at times. It's in those corners that the imagination begins to make its leaps. Inanimate objects are thought to have preferences. Tiny people control most things. Parents know all the laws--and what strange laws they are.
These Redditors share some real winners of those days.
Orkos-apprentic asked, "What was the dumbest thing you believed as a kid?"
Aspirin: Not in it Alone
"For some reason when I was little I thought I needed to tell aspirin where to go before I took them. 'This is for my headache,' I'd softly whisper into my hand before gulping them down."
"Clearly, without specific directions, how could these little pills know where inside my body they needed to fight pain?"
An Extremely Dire Coffee Spill
"I thought 'having an accident' always means the person involved is dead afterwards. So at age 8 I thought for about 5 hours that my dad was dead when I heard my mom telling on the phone to someone that he had a small accident at work."
"Turns out he spilled coffee all over his shirt."
Some Tiny Humans Have Better Timing than Others
"That there were humans sitting in control rooms watching tons of traffic cams and turning red light to green lights and vise versa." -- Alternativasil9
"I thought they sat in a small room directly under the traffic light they were controlling." -- EddieWeet
"I thought they were gnomes that sat inside the lights themselves and watched the road." -- coldsheep3
Gotta Be the Ears
"All dogs were male. All cats were female." -- solo_een_vir
"My boyfriend calls our male cat 'she' and our female dog 'he.' He's 35. Then when I correct him he makes a joke about us not knowing what they identify as." -- canibringmybreadbowl
They Couldn't Possibly Be Real People
"That teachers lived at school. Like had their own bedrooms and families living in the attic or in the walls in the school or something lol."
"Also my brother believed that if you shoot a gun in the air, fireworks come out. That, I don't get lmao"
A Lot to Unpack
"That girls had a penis poised inside their a** to deploy when they needed to pee. This a** penis contraption would emerge, pee, then retract." -- chrisboshisaraptor
"Autobots, roll out." -- nerfherder_328
"Someone take away my ability to read." -- cacophonycult
"My a** penis is emerging, peeing then retracting just reading this post." -- quirkymug
"That it was illegal to turn on the light inside the car while driving." -- anaanym0
"Well it actually is, especially if you ask my kids who don't want to go to jail for turning on the light inside the car while driving." -- legofduck
"How many other lies have I been told by the council?" -- Calacolter
"Eating fruit seeds will cause fruit to grow in your stomach until you explode." -- jelo89
"For me it was rice. My mom always joked that my stomach would turn into a paddy field just from the sheer amount of rice I ate."
"My dumb a** actually wanted that, so I could have more rice to eat." -- _aoulo
Worked Out a Little Too Perfectly
"When I was a pre-schooler, my mom told me that you weren't allowed to ride a motorcycle or get tattoos unless your mother was dead."
"One day, outside the grocery store I saw a big, tough looking dude covered in tats, straddling the loudest motorcycle ever. Damned it 5 year old me didn't go up to him and ask, 'Hey. Is your mom dead?' "
"Dude looked at me and said, 'Yeah.' "
"And I was shocked that my mom was right."
When Everybody has X-Ray Vision
"I legitimately thought I could see through walls."
"You know if you cover one eye with your hand and it kind of looks like you can see through your hand? Genuinely thought I could see through walls, but only if I was right at the end of the wall. Never thought to question that."
That is A LOT of Sprouts
"Not me but I made my younger sister believe that all water in the world comes from bean sprouts." -- nocreamjustsugar
"Lol I have a a pair of friends that are twins. One twin convicted the other to eat bugs because they provided more protein. Mom found out because the second twin asked for a stick bug for dinner instead of chicken." -- bbygodzilla
The Center of the Universe
"That the moon followed me." -- jordanXbeastrooster
"This. All the time and in my childishness I thought I was the only one it followed." -- blahblahtown
"Glad I wasn't the only one." -- Xanadu200
A Lie With a Very Unclear Purpose
"I was told if I kill a frog my mom's tit would fall off." -- sumthingred
"yeah we're gonna need an explanation here" -- epicgameraphix
"Wait, what?" -- ayroncon1
All Things Considered, Made the Right Choice
"I once was told that there was a ghost that killed people in the gym changing room/ bathroom. So once I pissed myself instead of going into the bathroom because I didn't want to die." -- ilikefries6475
"I could make bubbles if I eat shampoo then burp. I learnt I cant the hard way." -- Mephisax
"Let me guess you thought that from watching cartoons?" -- herota
A Committed Ruse
"That Santa existed... until one night I hid downstairs behind the living room door, after everyone went to bed, and then right on cue Santa came in, like seriously it was Santa! He had the hat, beard, full suit and presents. Only to be caught by him."
"I started screaming and then realised it was just my mum dressed up! God knows how long she'd been bringing presents downstairs dressed like Santa, just in case we woke up or caught her one year."
How to Make Your Kids Say "Pigdog"
"My dad convinced me and my sister that 'pigdog' was a bad word. The worst word there is. But he couldn't tell me what it meant, cause it meant something so bad. So of course I went around the playground calling people 'pigdog.' "
A Very Clinical Process
"When two people wanted a baby, they went to the doctor to get special pills to get pregnant."
"I actually knew sex existed, but I thought that it was a very naughty and bad way to get pregnant and my parents definitely did not do that."
Do you have something to confess to George? Text "Secrets" or "" to +1 (310) 299-9390 to talk to him about it.