Love is a beautiful, life affirming experience for many. Some love stories are the tales of legend; there are movies made about love and music and literature, so you'd assume it would always be a beautiful thing. Think. Again. Love can also turn dark and cold and vicious. There are movies and art made about that side as well. The dark side is never more on display than when it's the foundation of a divorce.

Redditor u/DarkFander14 wanted to know about the times when divorce proceedings descended into madness by asking.... Divorce lawyers of Reddit, what is the most insane (evil, funny, dumb) way a spouse has tried to screw the other?


I am an interpreter who works frequently with police and lawyers. The most out there thing I ever interpreted in court went like this:

  • Ms. So-and-So, we know each other for a long time, correct?
  • Yes.
  • As a matter of fact, we have known each other for five years, correct?
  • Yes.
  • And at the end of each and every meeting we had during the past five years, we always agreed on one thing, correct?
  • Yes.
  • Please, tell the judge what we agree on.
  • It's not okay to break in my ex's apartment and lick all his cutlery.
  • Yet, here we are, Ms. So-and-So.

I died 😂😂😂. MsStormyTrump



Had a client whose wife wanted him out of the house. I told him not to leave, just move to a different bedroom for the time being because once he was out the chances of him ever getting back in were slim.

He texted his wife and told her he was staying in the house. She called back and left a VM that she wanted him out and if he wasn't out soon, she would start taking out her unhappiness on the children, and would remind the children that mommy was being mean to them because daddy wouldn't leave. Armada5

So much fun for us kids. 

My dad is a divorce attorney. His clients couldn't decide who would get the Labrador puppy's from a new litter they just breed. The pups are worth $1000 a pop. Well they also hadn't been up to date on their payments. So dad brought a litter of 8 floppy puppy's home as collateral for us to have until they could negotiate the settlement. So much fun for us kids. Rogue_Kat15

if mommy loves you.....

I was an assistant for a family law practice, not a lawyer. So it was already a disaster of a divorce because the ex husband was a fool. But it got so much worse when the wife started dating someone new with a severe cat allergy like a year after they split up.

Her psycho ex bought a cat on his time with the kids, except he's not allowed pets at his apartment. He sends the kids back to their mom's house with the cat and all its stuff.

Mom is pissed because she didn't want a cat at all plus her boyfriend is crazy allergic. She calls us asking what to do because her kids are bawling saying that she can't get rid of their new "sibling" and she has the cat in the garage.

Ex told kids "if mommy loves you, she'll let you keep the cat since daddy is not allowed cats at his house." drlitt


Paralegal for a divorce lawyer here. Our client told us he didn't clear out the marital account after the parties filed. Which technically is true, because while he removed $45,000 he left about $3.50 in there. cannabisandcrabs

She didn't want the dog.


Husband and wife divorce after husband finds out wife is sexting other guys. He goes into a deep depression. They didn't have much. Lots of debt and two dogs. One was a dog he had had since before the marriage. He got her. The other dog was only about 3 years old and was bought to keep the older (7 year old) dog company while they worked.

Wife demanded that since he got his dog that she got the other. He is depressed and just wants to move on so he agrees. She gets the dog and has it put down the next day. She didn't want the dog. She just wanted to hurt him. fingawkward


This one hits close to home because it happened between my parents. We had a family "friend" who was a lawyer and my parents agreed that he would be the lawyer for both of them as a mediator. So, as the assets were being divided my dad got absolutely slammed. She was going to get the house, cars, half his retirement, and an insane amount of alimony. To the tune of like $2,500 a month for the rest of her life. My dad has a good job as a municipal employee, but that was probably 70%ish of his paycheck.

Turns out that my mom and the "family friend" actually conspired to rip my dad off and make it seem like that's what a divorce settlement looks like. And she was going kick back more money under the table after the dust had settled. Dad just didn't know how these things worked. So, after some convincing he finally went out and got his own lawyer. He got a very fair divorce settlement after that.

Mom still to this day can't understand why we don't talk to her much. wowitsclayton

Joke's on her.....

My uncle's ex tried to work it in that she would get half of whatever my grandmother would leave him when she passes. Joke's on her, my grandmother is passing over her kids (not maliciously, my uncle is very well off and so is my mom) and leaving everything to my brother and me.

Oh, also tried to get sole custody of both of their children... who are in their twenty's. eeyousoonbaboon

The Affair....


Personal experience, unbeknownst to me, my ex was having an affair. I worked a lot of hours, so I didn't pick up on it.

We had always dreamed of buying a house on a huge local lake to retire in. We literally started shopping for houses and even toured a dozen or so. We found 2 well within our budget, but would need to sell our house first.

My wife convinced me to take out a couple loans in my name and get a couple credit cards, again in my name, (most of the bills were in hers, and the mortgage was in hers) so I did.

I spent about $25k in CC and loans to fully update our house and get it ready for market.

As soon as the work was done, she told me she was leaving me and wanted to sell the house. p4lm3r


I'm going to school to be a vet assistant, my teacher is a veterinarian. She told us on Monday she's had clients bring their animals in to be euthanized so their spouse couldn't have them. Smdh. himoto-liz-chan

Everything screwed down!


Once had a boss who had to leave his house for 6 hours while his ex wife grabbed all the belongings she was legally entitled too. When he returned home every knob and handle was gone. Door knobs, cabinet handles, drawer handles, anything that was screwed onto something and used to open it, she had taken. Every day for the next week he would occasionally yell out "SHE TOOK THE DAMN KNOBS!!" JortsEnthusiast69

 Left the pieces.....

Not my case, but during my first year of law school lawyers from different practices came to give us a peek behind the curtain of different areas.

The divorce lawyer told the story of rather well to do couple that spent months and months and many tens of thousands of dollars fighting over absolutely everything all the way down to a single ceramic ashtray. He couldn't remember the significance, but somehow it had come through the husband's family.

Even after everything else had been decided, they spent many more months and nearly $100,000 fighting over just this ashtray. Then, after a court hearing the wife finally won the ashtray. She promptly strode out to the white courthouse steps... and smashed the ceramic ashtray. Left the pieces all over for the husband to see on his way out.

Decided that day I would not be a divorce lawyer. 105degrees_andrising

5 of 9....

I didn't handle the divorce, I handled parts of the aftermath. In the divorce, she went AWOL, was living in a truck somewhere, and just couldn't handle it mentally.

He gave her five of his nine companies.

They were the ones that owed seven figures in payroll taxes.

He had made her the bookkeeper on paper.

She spent decades trying to shake the IRS for the results. Flintoid

"I didn't know, I was high." 

I'm a lawyer but have had a very limited amount of experience in divorce cases. The first case I ever worked the husband shaved/waxed every single hair off his body in an attempt to avoid a court-mandated drug test. NegligentNeanderthal

We had a guy at work do this. Shaved his whole body, razor burn on the back of his neck, cut up his elbows. He was a hairy dude.... Then he failed the urine test. I asked him why he went to all that trouble and he said "I didn't know, I was high." IgotCHUbits

Only in LA.


A soon-to-be ex-husband left his wife's prized Koi to die on the doorstep of their house. Apparently the value of these fish (six in total) was over $100,000. She was, according to her lawyer, so distraught that she couldn't be in court. Only in LA. hansrudie

Milking it.... 

IANAL but work in the court system. Once case that came in was a couple divorcing on mutual terms, the husband had one child with her and the wife had a child from the previous marriage. He agreed to pay child support for both children, I guess he really cared about this other enough to support her even though it isn't his obligation.

Judge signs the order, they go to set up the child support account and it gets kicked back saying you can't have two accounts for one child. Turns out she's been collecting child support from the biological father the entire time and never told him. She basically tried to milk two fathers for one child... and the other attorney knew about it. Dikutoy

Silly Rabbit....


Not my divorce, but my divorce lawyer told me about a case she was involved in where both clients were so petty that they had to all meet to argue over literally every single scrap of everything. The final object that neither would settle on was a ceramic rabbit statue, a really generic one from Home Depot or whatever.

Zero sentimental value but since it was the final item, neither side wanted to "lose" the last thing and they dragged it out over 3 separate meetings for this one thing. I don't remember which ended up getting it, but once they settled it and signed everything, the "winning" party stuck it on their lawyer's desk as a gift and walked out. Much_Difference

Leave the Cats....

Friend was going through divorce from insane husband. He had been texting her pics of the gun he bought and threatening her. Police were called. Nothing they could do because it was 'only a picture'. He was staying with a secret girlfriend at this point. She allowed him to go get his stuff from the house. She was scared to go back in the house alone. I went with her. First red flag was he had changed the locks.

So we waited for locksmith to open the house and change the locks again. Well, when the door opens... we noticed all of the furniture was gone. So we carefully went upstairs in search of her cats. The entire second floor was empty. No cats. No furniture. Even her clothes were gone. Come to find out he hired a moving company to pack and take everything, even the food in the fridge. Finally found the cats.

He had taken them to another vet in town and put them up for boarding under his sister's name thinking she would not be able to find them. He was finally forced to disclose what happened to her possessions. He had them taken to a storage unit far away from the home. JillAustin

 -10 degrees

Divorce lawyer here. Spouse had been out of the house for weeks. She waited until he was on a business trip, came into the house, turned on all of the faucets, plugged the drains, turned off the furnace, and left. It was -10 degrees. He came back five days later. The house was ruined. The water froze and cracked the foundation. Slagathar1

Shady.... shady....


I'm not a divorce lawyer but my parents got divorced about a year ago. My mum didn't want my dad to show up in court because he would contest and then they'd have to split the assets. She phoned me and told me to put laxatives in his food so he wouldn't be able to make it there. She kept screaming at me, commanding me to but I refused. It's one of the reasons that she hates me now lol. Tittybean22


Do you have something to confess to George? Text "Secrets" or ":zipper_mouth_face:" to +1 (310) 299-9390 to talk to him about it.

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