Arranged marriages are not something current day people understand but they still happen, and many people are totally cool with it. Culturally it's ALL up to what the individuals decide. However a lot of people like to share their thoughts on things they don't understand or approve of with or without being asked.
Redditor concernedhusband2821 had to tell his story on this topic... My [28M] friends/co-workers [20s M/F] are mocking my wife [22F] and our arranged marriage, not sure how to address or deal with this?
My wife and I have been married for close to a year now. She was born and raised in India her entire life, while I have been raised here in America since I was four years old. As you all saw in the title, this was an arranged marriage, and I met her around two weeks before the wedding. Despite not knowing each other for a longer period of time, we have grown very close and I care for her deeply.
My main group of friends, however, many whom I have known since college, have joked and made fun of our marriage, and my wife. For example, we were at a dinner party a couple months and my friends were talking about something. My wife then commented, but because she has a pretty pronounced Indian accent, she butchered a few words, and everyone laughed and began to impersonate and make fun of her. I could see how much this hurt her, and for the rest of the night she was silent and later on asked to leave early. This was the only time this occurred in front of her, but many times when I have gone out with my buddies they casually make fun of her accent, or her confusion when it comes to American traditions and customs, and every time I tell them enough, they say "I'm just joking man, chill out," or "Don't take it so seriously."
In addition, there have been a few times when I've gone out or talked with co-workers, and when they begin to talk about or complain about their relationships and I chime in, they basically ignore or make snide remarks regarding what I have to say. I specifically remember one time where a co worker said "What do you know about marriage? Yours is not even an actual marriage."
I suppose I'm asking for help on how to deal with these sorts of comments, as I'm sure more will come throughout my marriage. My wife is naturally just very shy, so I know she won't try and defend herself when stuff like this happens. She hasn't been able to make any friends since coming here, and refuses to come out with me because of my friends. I know she feels home sick at times, and I really want to help her come out of her shell because she's a wonderful person and her happiness is extremely important to me. So I suppose I have two questions, how can I deal with my friends and co workers? And how do I help my wife gain more confidence and come out of her shell?
Options...
Giphyhow can I deal with my friends and co workers?
Firmly but politely.
"I'm just joking man, chill out"
"You might be joking but I am not."
"Don't take it so seriously".
"That is my wife you are talking about and I am taking it seriously"
And how do I help my wife gain more confidence and come out of her shell?
Are there any interests your wife has and are there any clubs in your area that correspond to her interests? Are there indian communities in your area? Also, you might want to do a fun activity together, like dancing (assuming she likes to dance). Or go swimming or cycling together. Preferably something outdoorsy.
Start learning...
If she truly feels isolated by her accent, please think about hiring an experienced ESL tutor. I tutor an Iranian couple on accent and fluency 3x/week. I am able to identify their problem areas and do exercises to get them used to forming different sounds. One thing she should be doing is shadowing. Just Google ESL shadowing. You basically repeat a speech or conversation AS it is still being said, half a beat behind. This forces you to simply copy the sounds of the language instead of translating it into your own accent/cadence. It will help her to get muscle memory in place and speak more naturally.
More like enemies
The thing that pisses me off the most about your so-called "friends" is that when she ends up just joining Indian communities and clubs they'll be the first to say crap like "sick of foreigners coming to our country and then just not trying to fit in and only doing stuff in their own little communities" etc. Well of course she will be more inclined to do stuff with other Indians when you racists mock her and make her feel like shit and not welcome...
Class can be fun...
GiphyAlso, taking some college classes could really help here. Courses on sex and culture, for example, delve into these issues and teach crass American college students that there are many ways of being and being married. Basic cultural anthropology. Sociology classes - and some psychology classes.
Your friends sound incredibly self-centered and immature. So maybe reading Christopher Lasch's Culture of Narcissism together (a classic, really, don't need to finish it) would help her understand this particular subculture.
You need new friends - these ones are awful! My coworker was from India and she had an arranged marriage and it was one of the sweetest relationships I've seen. Choose friends that respect you, not hurt you.
Define "Friends"
GiphyI have to agree your friends sound like a-holes. Have they never met or known anyone for whom English is a second language? Have they never travelled to a country they didn't know the language? I'm horrified they'd mock her accent.
If you want to remain friends with them, then you're going to have to shut down those comments.
"I was joking." Answer, "it's not a joke, it's very rude and hurtful."
"Your marriage isn't real." Answer, "that's a rude comment. Why would you say something like that?"
Your friends seem unable to accept cultures and customs different than their own.
Eye to eye...
So you need to be honest with them! Say "look, I know we've joked like this in the past, but you are hurting someone I care for very deeply and it is not acceptable. Either you change this behavior or we end our friendship."
If they don't comply, you need cut them out of your life. Your priority here is the family you are building with your wife. DO NOT stand for people doing anything to hurt her. I cannot believe you didn't stick up for her at that dinner when they were laughing at her.
They can learn...
GiphyTo piggyback on what some other commenters said about her speaking English as a second language, I would ask your friends to try learning hindi and see how stupid they sound. At least your wife is intelligent enough to even learn a second language! She is also stepping far outside of her comfort zone to make an effort to communicate with your friends, and they are making fun of her for that. They are literally shaming her for being a good wife. Point that out.
Center yourself
Your friends are acting like a-holes. Making fun of for being from India and your marriage is super crappy.
In the future, I wouldn't share with everyone that your marriage is an arranged marriage. In the current time, I would tell them that it's not acceptable and it's not funny. If they don't, I would stop hanging out with them. They don't respect you, they're xenophobic...
As for your wife, are there any Indian community centers or temples near by? I used to take classical Indian dance- there were a lot of Indian adults in the class (I was the only non-Indian) so that might be a good fit for her.
Time for new friends...
GiphyOh my gosh, these are not your friends.
My lab partner in grad school was Indian. Great guy. He got lonely so he went home on break and came back with a wife. It was a strange and new concept to all of us white people, so we we asked some respectful and curious questions. When we learned that she hadn't left the apartment in the week she had been there, we threw a casual party to welcome her. We all became great friends. She often brought food to all of us when we were in the lab late at night. They have been married ten years, and have one of the best relationships I have ever seen. I always puts her needs first and always respects her (and her him). That is what I admire the most. Your wife needs your respect, which means standing up for her. I imagine she must be feeling very lonely and or isolated. show her that you are in her corner.
Redditor Inspire3110 wanted to share all the best reasons to not partner up.
"What’s a benefit of being single?"
I'm single. I think I want to mingle. Convince me otherwise.
Just Me
Dave Chappelle Freedom GIFGiphy"You only have to worry about yourself."
clayur
"I just started a casual relationship after about a year and a half of being single. Even though that previous one lasted 4.5 years, having to care about someone even a little bit is taking some adjustment. It was nice being free lol."
irishdude1212
Nobody Cares
"It's my day off. I have a bunch of projects to do around the house, but I'm laying on the couch reading Reddit. No one cares."
satanwon
"So true. I just wanna laze in bed all day on my day off sometimes. Bring in some snacks, watch a movie, read my books, take a nap or two. I don't need someone constantly asking 'are you getting up yet?'"
Zealousideal_End2330
Merry Peace
"Christmas is chill af. None of that 'Ok so we spend the eve at your parent's place, then Christmas day is split between my mom's and my dad's/his new girlfriend's place, and then we visit your brother's family to say hi to the newborn, plus uncle Jeremy invited us to his place since we are there anyway..."
foxmachine
Me Boss
"Not answering to anyone else. I've been single for a long time after my marriage ended. The temptation to just pick up with someone new was strong for the first few years, but once I got used to just being by myself, I came to really enjoy it. I'm free to do what I want, when I want. While I'm open to it, it will take someone very special to change my situation now."
ferox965
Places & Things
Heart Coffee GIF by 100% SoftGiphy"Everything is exactly where I left it."
Countryegg1
"Yeeessss. That little bit of milk you left for your morning coffee. It will be there in the morning."
sunflakie
These are all valid choices. I'm in.
Betrayal
i see you no GIF by Shalita GrantGiphy"Don't have to worry about having your trust betrayed. Don't have anyone to lie to you. You have complete control over how peaceful things are for you (barring things out of control like traffic or construction work in the neighborhood)."
HelixDraxzonyx
Career Moves
"You have the opportunity to focus on your own needs and/or make giant strides in your career progression without having to factor in and address the needs of your companion."
Lyrick_
Control
Janet Jackson Dancing GIF by VevoGiphy"Don't have to worry about having your trust betrayed. Don't have anyone to lie to you. You have complete control over how peaceful things are for you (barring things out of control like traffic or construction work in the neighbourhood)."
HelixDraxzonyx
"I know someone who turned down a top-tier professional sports contract because his girl would break up if he would've accepted it, since she didn't want to move from Europe to America. He killed his hockey-career with that decision, and his girl is almost threatening to leave him if he gets out of shape. Can't believe he's still with her."
mr4ffe
I'm Out
"Don't have to answer to anyone about where you're going."
detective_kiara
"This. When I became single after almost 10 years, for a good few months every time I would walk out the door I would instinctively feel the urge to say where I was going. Weirdest feeling ever, kind of like the Altoids thing Jim did with Dwight."
smorsmores
"Unless you have a pet. I tell my cat where I'm going every time I leave the house, even if it's just outside to smoke a bowl. If I don't, she screams like a banshee until I open the door... then I get a low solid meow, like she's saying 'Really?'"
AnAngryJawa
Keep you warm...
"Getting a good night's sleep. I got so tired of being awakened by someone groping me or poking me in the lower back. The whining about 'why don't you sleep naked' coupled with the 'you don't need blankets - I'll keep you warm.' I can't spend 8 hours every night f**king. I need sleep."
VapoursAndSpleen
EAT IT!!
Tina Fey Nbc GIF by Saturday Night LiveGiphy"You can take a complete cake home and eat all of it."
Both-Ad-3763
Who knew being single could be this fun?! Plenty of people apparently.
Curious to hear some of the more negative moviegoing experiences, Redditor Outrageous-Abies8391 asked:
"What is the most disturbing movie you've ever come across ?"
The atrocities of war are dramatically represented in some of the most powerful films.
WWI Soldier
"Johnny Got His Gun, saw it in early ‘70’s, still can’t forget it."
– vousoir
Depiction Of Nuclear Winter
"Threads (1984) is by far the scariest movie I've ever seen. It shows the events of a nuclear war breaking out, and the chilling aftermath. There's no hope and no happy ending, truly terrifying stuff."
– LuxGang
A Devastating Letter
"The answer to this and all questions like it is always 'dear zachery…' I cant unsee that rage from the grandfather. Its maybe 30secs and it's stayed with me longer than anything I've ever seen in a movie. Want real proof that a good, loving person WISHES he had murdered someone in calculating, cold blood? Got your movie for you."
– Goldbera1
Parents' Worst Nightmare
"Netflix documentary Abducted in Plain Sight. Movie synopsis: WTF, really!?"
– Upper-Job5130
Real-life horrors make for even greater disturbing cinematic experiences.
Trapped In Delusion
"Requiem for a Dream. It's one of those you can really only watch once."
– MichaelScottssmug
They're called horror movies for a reason.
Torture
"The first Hostel movie really got to me. Not sure if I was just unprepared or what, but that movie disturbed me more than I expected."
– TimeclockTurtle
It's Banned In Many Countries
A Serbian Film
"Came to say this. There were scenes that I wish I could scrub from my memory."
– evmt95
"I own this one and honestly it's just sort of shock value for the most part. Ironically because the cinematography is relatively professional it makes some of the scenes somewhat goofy for their disturbing content."
"The actual content itself is pretty f'ked but somehow because it's well made I didn't really feel as disturbed as I should have. Films like Cannibal Holocaust, Irreversible, Antichrist, and although I haven't seen them Audition and Martyrs, those films make you feel sickly and carry a heavy weight of knowledge with viewing them."
"A Serbian film is the transformers of the disturbing film genre, there's alot that goes on but it's mostly shock value and well put together production value. I've seen A Serbian film 4 different times."
– aFan0Film
Vomit Gore
Slaughtered Vomit Dolls
'If you need a movie to have some form of a linear story, don’t bother with this one. If you are tired of seeing women constantly berated and insulted and shown as weak and scared, don’t bother with this one. And if vomit isn’t your thing, yeah, definitely don’t bother with this one.' - Horrornews.net
"Yeah, might give it a pass."
– Painting_Agency
Mad scientists coming up with the most twisted experiments is the premise in these revolting flicks.
Enough Said
"The human centipede."
– nuttynutz00-D
"I have not seen that, so can't really answer. The worst part of Human Centipede for me was the bodily claustrophobia and psychological horror, not the visible gore. There are only two films I have ever seen that I wanted to walk out of: that and Lars von Trier's Antichrist."
– ipakookapi
Obsession With A Walrus
"Tusk."
– ChuyImposter
"Agreed ! f'king made me feel so uncomfortable soo weird!"
– snakeysauce
The movies that disturbed me most were, as mentioned above, Tusk and Human Centipede.
I could have stopped watching them as soon as I got sick to my stomach. But as a completionist, I voluntarily subjected to torturing myself.
If you are faint of heart, I strongly suggest you avoid these films. You've been warned.
Redditor SpaceHubYT was eager to hear the most terrifying things people woke up to in the middle of the night, leading them to ask:
"What’s the scariest thing you’ve woken up to in the middle of the night?"
Keeping an extra close eye...hopefully?
"My grandmother just standing there in the dark by my bed, quietly wringing her hands and staring at me."- fryinpaskettimobster
Terrifying no matter when
"My mom saying I needed to get up and go with the cop."- abletable342
An experience no one deserves
"My mom screaming up the stairs 'get out of the house now!!!' and my brother swinging my door open to get us out."
"The house was on fire."- stoneytopaz
One hundred little fingers...
"Centipede crawling on my face."
"I still shiver thinking about when that happened."- Slight_Librarian_399
Bug Insect GIF by AquariumMeGiphyA lesson well learned?
"A cop walking into my Airbnb at 4am in Tennessee."
"Somehow he had the code and just.. walked in."
"I was sleeping on the couch right near the front door."
"He yelled at me and asked my name and what I was doing there."
"I was dazed and said 'ugh, I’m sleeping here man' and he’s like 'we were called about a B n E at this address'." - Reddit
"And I said 'I dunno man' and he was like 'well, sorry to disturb you'."
"And he walked out."
"Found out later that the call came In from a different address and the cop still had the door code from a previous call that was put in at this building before."
"This is where I learned if someone breaks in to where I’m sleeping In the middle of the night, I ain’t gonna do sh*t."
"My reaction time is about 5 minutes."- ReferHvacGuy
Sharing a midnight snack?
"Cat dropping a giant a** spider on my chest, then giant spider disappearing in my panic."- lady_of_the_lac
attack spider GIFGiphyOne can only imagine...
"My wife sitting straight up out of bed and screaming while pointing down the hallway."
"She talks in her sleep, usually it’s hilarious."
"That time it was not."- BrotherOfTheOrder
Nature's alarm clock
"8.8 Richter scale earthquake at 3am."- sparkdaniel
There's a first time for literally everything.
"Lived in an old building in NYC."
"Had a neighbor across the hall that would seldom have night terrors."
"1st time it happened, it was about 4am and I was pretty sure she was getting murdered from the piercing screaming and loud thumps from her flailing around and the sound of glass breaking."
"I grabbed a meat cleaver and went into the hallway in my underwear to see that everyone else in the building was also awake and poking their heads out into the hallway wondering what to do."
"Me and 2 other neighbors eventually knocked on her door and when she answered she looked pale like a ghost and was dripping in sweat."
"She didn't remember any of it, apologized and explained to us her condition."
"That was some blood curdling sh*t."
"She was very apologetic about it and bought us all six packs of beer for freaking us out."
"Me and the two neighbors that decided to take action were all 100% sure that she was getting murdered at that moment."
"I lived there for 2 years and I think she only had 2 episodes during that time."- azninvasion2000
Be it over nothing, or something incredibly serious, being woken up at all hours of the morning is never a pleasant experience.
As the place everyone should always feel safest of all, is in the comfort of their own bed.
