Love is rough. There are many little quirks you have to put up with in a partner. Those quirks are part of the "compromise" that makes love worth it. Or... are they more than quirks? Are they flat out rude actions. Some people may not be able to handle all you are and your authentic self. That's a problem y'all. For instance...
Redditor Pohllypockets went to Reddit for some "Dear Abby" advice by asking.... My boyfriend [24m] always tells me [22f] not to talk about inappropriate topics in public. I feel like I can't have a conversation at all without him telling me to change the topic. Her story goes as follows...
My boyfriend Dan always tells me "Don't talk about that when people can hear you" and I feel like most of the stuff he says that about is stuff that's just normal conversation. I'll give a couple examples so you get the idea.
We were at the supermarket and he asked me if I was going to my friend Jim's party. I said I wasn't sure yet. He asked why. I said "I told Jim that me and the girls wouldn't go if Mark was gonna be there, cause Mark's been a huge creep to us all." Dan shushed me, and whispered "Don't talk about that here"
Another time, we were on the bus, and I was talking about my old roommate, and how she was still dating a teacher she had in high school, who came onto her basically immediately after she graduated. And how sketchy that was. Dan basically told me off for saying that on the bus. Which felt kinda ridiculous because there's worse stuff you hear on buses; there was some strung out druggie woman talking to herself just a few seats back.
Another time, we were in the pharmacy, and I said "What brand of lube did you like better? I forget" And held up two bottles. He got really irritated when we got back in the car.
And one more time, he got snippy with me for saying "Did I tell you what my therapist said this morning?" Because apparently seeing a therapist is another inappropriate topic.
In general, I feel like I have to put on some kinda picture perfect act every time we're outside one of our apartments. Like I can't tell the truth about conflicts in my friend group, weird stuff I've seen in life, or ask even basic questions about lube and condoms, in the lube and condoms aisle of the pharmacy...
It's not like he minds those topics in general. I think it's more like an anxiety thing, that he's worried about strangers overhearing and judging us. But it's really stressing me out, because I never know what he's going to tell me is a no-no topic for him. I feel like I've got to put on an act every time we're outside, or else we're going to argue.
But I don't know if I'm in the wrong, and I really could do to tone it down a little. So I'm looking for a few second opinions. Is the kinda stuff I say stuff I should be embarrassed to say in a public place? If not, how can I talk to my boyfriend about how much this is stressing me out?
Thoughts??
Sounds like he needs a therapist...
GiphyHe sounds like he's really self-conscious about what other people/strangers think of him. The examples you gave don't sound like something you should be quieted for in my opinion. It's not like you were loudly swearing in front of children at church. Maybe it's an issue of compatibility. If you're a more outgoing, carefree person, you shouldn't have to feel embarrassed about that because your boyfriend is uncomfortable. It's really frustrating to feel like you can't be yourself around your significant other or feel like they're embarrassed of you. Have you talked to him about it or how often it seems to happen? Did he have anything to say?
The City limits...
Is your boyfriend from a small town?
Cause 100% of that absolutely would get to my mom by the time I got home where I grew up. Took a long time for the small town paranoia to fall away. Being chatty in public is definitely a perk I have come to enjoy living in a bigger city.
Did you just... Shush me?
GiphyMy husband used to be like your boyfriend. He'd give me a look to shoosh me, and I would stare back at him as if to say "silence me I dare you" and continue talking. We would later have discussions about it and found some compromises. He once told me he preferred long hair when I was itching to cut it and told him. I acknowledged his opinion and cut it off anyways. Then he realized he liked me still with short hair. As you can tell, I don't take to feeling like someone is trying to control me well.
These little quirks make me who I am, and he fell in love with quirky me so he can put up with a wife who thinks tennis shoes are appropriate for church when my feet hurt.
He did back off after discussions where I said I felt like these were attempts to control me or change me. Why fall in love with a person and then attempt to change them? He also naturally chilled a lot over the years, but I asserted myself on these things while dating.
It may become a mountain if you don't level the molehill.
Cleanup In Aisle 4
Ok the lube one is just hilarious...
But he sounds really uptight and... repressed? Like I'm from a super WASP-y family, and we just don't talk about a lot of things, but thats usually money/income/mental health issues. We're all over gossip about creeps and lecherous teachers...
Is he very image conscious? Like overly concerned what other people think of him?
The past never leaves you.
I was thinking this was probably the result of a WASPy upbringing. And I mean sure, maybe not everyone wants to have a grand conversation about income or mental health issues or lube in the middle of the store. But shushing his girlfriend talking about someone else's mental health in front of other randos? That's super ridiculous and potentially problematic because that would encourage people being harassed/abused/mentally tortured to not speak up. And that speaks to upper echelon royalty/megarich WASPyness. I hope he can come around and be more comfortable with this sort of stuff, otherwise their relationship might stall out for inability to communicate.
Don't be creepy!
GiphyBeing shushed over the creeper or the therapist thing would really bother me.
Saying you want to avoid someone who is treating you badly says nothing bad. I'd be angry if he acted like I should be ashamed or hide it. Creeper dude is why I'm not sure I'm going to the party. He asked; I replied.
Pull it together dude!
Literally the only thing I could see his point with was the lube, because some people are just shy about that sort of thing.
For everything else, he's being ridiculous and controlling. If he's so insecure that he's constantly on alert about what other people might hear and think of him then he needs to get his crap together or see someone about it instead of expecting you to accommodate his foolishness all the time.
Next time he does it, wait until you're out of immediate earshot of strangers and tell him bluntly "I'm getting tired of being shushed. I'm sorry if you're that worried about what strangers think, but I'd like to talk to my partner and I'm pretty much done with being scolded when I try. If you want to talk about why it bothers you when we get home we can, but I'm not going to walk on eggshells anymore."
Get over yourself!
GiphyExactly. He really over-estimates how interested everyone is in him if he thinks completely strangers have nothing better to do or nothing more important to think about then what he and his girlfriend are talking about. Most people probably don't even notice they're there, never mind trying to hang on their every word, especially when the girlfriend is talking in a normal tone to a person right next to her and not exactly bellowing across the room. He needs to get over himself. He's not that important.
He's treating you like a child. That's how a parent talks to you not your bf.
Those are not inappropriate topics. Maybe he means he is not comfortable talking about them, but that would require more clear communication from him. Could be how he was raised to not talk about certain things.
Small City Advice
GiphyHonestly I usually refrain from saying "gossip" type things when I'm out. We live in a small city but it's very much everyone knows everyone kind of place. I get worried about someone overhearing and spreading it or telling the person we were talking about. And it's not like my husband and I never do a bit of gossip in public, we do.
However, my husband is a loud talker and I have to remind him to turn the volume down during certain topics. At least twice now I've had to stop my husband from complaining about a child when their parents are near by because he is oblivious and talks a little loud. (And yes it is a problem because these kids aren't friends with my kids but they go to the same school and I don't need that kind of drama.)
Let him deal...
That's a him issue that he's projecting onto you, and if you stay this way it might warp your way of thinking about them. You're right that absolutely nothing you mentioned was inappropriate both in terms of context or content. I'd personally just chalk this up to incompatibility and move on, but maybe you've been dating for longer and feel comfortable with helping him unpack these issues with a therapist.
Family can be rough to...
My sister is like this. She frequently shushes me, gets embarrassed, thinks a topic is inappropriate, or thinks other people can hear. It's a social anxiety thing and I love my sister but it's really frustrating because her anxiety-by-proxy ends up feeling like she's controlling what I do/say out of her own embarrassment of me. I'm not sure if I would be able to handle that in a romantic partner because I'm extroverted and personable and it's just incompatible with how I live my life and makes me feel like she's ashamed of me or thinks I'm embarrassing.
Not sure if you feel a similar way, but it might be worth talking to him about how it makes you feel when he does this!
Peace out Yo!
GiphyYou're just incompatible. I might think you're the more normal one out of the pair of you, but I don't think it's right to tell him he has to change out of this prude/modest mindset. IDK if those are even the right words to use, but it is what it is.
I'm a lady AND... a woman!
I don't want to blow things out of perspective, but I dated a guy like this for 2.5 years and it was actually him controlling me and making me feel ashamed about random things because of his insecurity. Examples like you talked about - something a tiny bit sexual he would freak out, if I said something 'unladylike' or vulgar... Honestly I'd take it as a red flag, but maybe that's because of my personal experience.
Sense & Sensibility...
I feel like you need to try to have a conversation with him about WHY these topics are problematic. When I say that i mean don't just casually ask why, but try to have a genuine discussion. I get the impression that he's a very private person, and you are the opposite. I think if you two try to understand each other more you might find a middle ground. For example, while I agree most of this is very uptight-ish the first couple of examples are of you being gossipy and a couple are about privacy, and maybe he genuinely finds gossip distasteful and is a very private person. Who knows. That's why you should try to have a meaningful discussion about it. When it happens, don't get defensive, but say something like "I notice that you feel that way a lot when i try to talk about xyz, and I want to understand why that bothers you." Make it clear that you aren't trying to change his mind, get upset or defend yourself, but that you want to understand. While you're doing that, you should absolutely have the opportunity to express why it's important to you to be able to openly/publicly discuss certain things, how it makes you feel when he belittles you/ shuts you down, and just maybe you'll come away with a better understand in that can actually help you find a balance approached to how you converse in public. In some circumstances, like h the lube type incidents, uptight people learn the be less uptight when we insist on keeping it light. Maybe he'll always be the bashful type and you just gotta be ok with that, but he has to accept that you're outgoing and don't give a damn. It starts by talking about boundaries and understanding why a person has them. From there you either learn how to overcome them or respect them.
Remember, there are TWO sensibilities that matter in this relationship so it can't just be about supporting whatever YOU are most comfortable with. Lastly, if you simply cannot find a comfortable balance without feeling like you're light is being quelled, then perhaps consider that you two aren't an ideal match and its a sign that he's not the best intimate partner for you.
GiphySoooooo.....I'm Asian, and while I don't really have a problem with some of these topics, I absolutely can see people from my cultural background not feeling comfortable about talking about these kind of things. Especially the lube bit....The therapist part I absolutely can understand. There's still stigma around that depending where you're from. People don't necessarily want anyone to know that you're seeing a therapist.
So ..... my question is, is there a cultural thing here? Or simply how he was brought up? You may need to have a heart to heart with him and come to a middle ground.
Boys?
Not everything is a gender issue but I'd really like to know if he shushes male friends this way?
I can't hear you!
GiphyI'm with him on the lube. LOL I'd be so embarrassed! Do you perhaps have a louder voice? Also, it seems the examples are always around very private topics or gossip. I think this is pure incompatibility. You have the right to want to talk about these topics, he has the right not to discuss them.
Well, I do see your BF's point. The examples you gave can be considered gossip and private, and those are not typically discussed in situations within an earshot of others in public.
However, the issue I am seeing here is that (1) you and your BF disagree on what inappropriate topics are, and (2) you have yet to stop talking after his request (this may be related to issue #1).
I think it would be wise for you to sit down with you BF, understand where he is coming from (old fashioned, maybe?), and agree on what to say/ not say in public.
PS. Others behaving poorly does not give you the right to behave as such. You repeat to others about those weird stuff you heard/ seen in pubic, and I am certain you wouldn't want to be the subject of someone else's sharing.
Experiencing death is a fascinating and frightening idea.
Who doesn't want to know what is waiting for us on the other side?
But so many of us want to know and then come back and live a little longer.
It would be so great to be sure there is something else.
But the whole dying part is not that great, so we'll have to rely on other people's accounts.
Redditor AlaskaStiletto wanted to hear from everyone who has returned to life, so they asked:
"Redditors who have 'died' and come back to life, what did you see?"
Sensations
Happy Good Vibes GIF by Major League SoccerGiphy"My dad's heart stopped when he had a heart attack and he had to be brought back to life. He kept the paper copy of the heart monitor which shows he flatlined. He said he felt an overwhelming sensation of peace, like nothing he had felt before."
PeachesnPain
Recovery
"I had surgical complications in 2010 that caused a great deal of blood loss. As a result, I had extremely low blood pressure and could barely stay awake. I remember feeling like I was surrounded by loved ones who had passed. They were in a circle around me and I knew they were there to guide me onwards. I told them I was not ready to go because my kids needed me and I came back."
"My nurse later said she was afraid she’d find me dead every time she came into the room."
"It took months, and blood transfusions, but I recovered."
good_golly99
Take Me Back
"Overwhelming peace and happiness. A bright airy and floating feeling. I live a very stressful life. Imagine finding out the person you have had a crush on reveals they have the same feelings for you and then you win the lotto later that day - that was the feeling I had."
"I never feared death afterward and am relieved when I hear of people dying after suffering from an illness."
rayrayrayray
Free
The Light Minnie GIF by (G)I-DLEGiphy"I had a heart surgery with near-death experience, for me at least (well the possibility that those effects are caused by morphine is also there) I just saw black and nothing else but it was warm and I had such inner peace, its weird as I sometimes still think about it and wish this feeling of being so light and free again."
TooReDTooHigh
This is why I hate surgery.
You just never know.
Shocked
Giphy"More of a near-death experience. I was electrocuted. I felt like I was in a deep hole looking straight up in the sky. My life flashed before me. Felt sad for my family, but I had a deep sense of peace."
Admirable_Buyer6528
The SOB
"Nursing in the ICU, we’ve had people try to die on us many times during the years, some successfully. One guy stood out to me. His heart stopped. We called a code, are working on him, and suddenly he comes to. We hadn’t vented him yet, so he was able to talk, and he started screaming, 'Don’t let them take me, don’t let them take me, they are coming,' he was scared and yelling."
"Then he yelled a little more, as we tried to calm him down, he screamed, 'No, No,' and gestured towards the end of the bed, and died again. We didn’t get him back. It was seriously creepy. We called his son to tell him the news, and the son said basically, 'Good, he was an SOB.'”
1-cupcake-at-a-time
Colors
"My sister died and said it was extremely peaceful. She said it was very loud like a train station and lots of talking and she was stuck in this area that was like a curtain with lots of beautiful colors (colors that you don’t see in real life according to her) a man told her 'He was sorry, but she had to go back as it wasn’t her time.'"
Hannah_LL7
"I had a really similar experience except I was in an endless garden with flowers that were colors I had never seen before. It was quiet and peaceful and a woman in a dress looked at me, shook her head, and just said 'Not yet.' As I was coming back, it was extremely loud, like everyone in the world was trying to talk all at once. It was all very disorienting but it changed my perspective on life!"
huntokarrr
The Fog
"I was in a gray fog with a girl who looked a lot like a young version of my grandmother (who was still alive) but dressed like a pioneer in the 1800s she didn't say anything but kept pulling me towards an opening in the wall. I kept refusing to go because I was so tired."
"I finally got tired of her nagging and went and that's when I came to. I had bled out during a c-section and my heart could not beat without blood. They had to deliver the baby and sew up the bleeders. refill me with blood before they could restart my heart so, like, at least 12 minutes gone."
Fluffy-Hotel-5184
Through the Walls
"My spouse was dead for a couple of minutes one miserable night. She maintains that she saw nothing, but only heard people talking about her like through a wall. The only thing she remembers for absolute certain was begging an ER nurse that she didn't want to die."
"She's quite alive and well today."
Hot-Refrigerator6583
Well let's all be happy to be alive.
It seems to be all we have.
Trying to lose weight is a struggle understood by many people regardless of size.
The goal of reaching a healthy weight may seem unattainable, but with diet and exercise, it can pay off through persistence and discipline.
Seeing the pounds gradually drop off can also be a great motivator and incentivize people to stay the course.
Those who've achieved their respective weight goals shared their experiences when Redditor apprenti8455 asked:
"People who lost a lot of weight, what surprises you the most now?"
Redditors didn't see these coming.
Shiver Me Timbers
"I’m always cold now!"
– Telrom_1
"I had a coworker lose over 130 pounds five or six years ago. I’ve never seen him without a jacket on since."
– r7ndom
"140 lbs lost here starting just before COVID, I feel like that little old lady that's always cold, damn this top comment was on point lmao."
– mr_remy
Drawing Concern
"I lost 100 pounds over a year and a half but since I’m old(70’s) it seems few people comment on it because (I think) they think I’m wasting away from some terminal illness."
– dee-fondy
"Congrats on the weight loss! It’s honestly a real accomplishment 🙂"
"Working in oncology, I can never comment on someone’s weight loss unless I specifically know it was on purpose, regardless of their age. I think it kind of ruffles feathers at times, but like I don’t want to congratulate someone for having cancer or something. It’s a weird place to be in."
– LizardofDeath
Unleashing Insults
"I remember when I lost the first big chunk of weight (around 50 lbs) it was like it gave some people license to talk sh*t about the 'old' me. Old coworkers, friends, made a lot of not just negative, but harsh comments about what I used to look like. One person I met after the big loss saw a picture of me prior and said, 'Wow, we wouldn’t even be friends!'”
"It wasn’t extremely common, but I was a little alarmed by some of the attention. My weight has been up and down since then, but every time I gain a little it gets me a little down thinking about those things people said."
– alanamablamaspama
Not Everything Goes After Losing Weight
"The loose skin is a bit unexpected."
– KeltarCentauri
"I haven’t experienced it myself, but surgery to remove skin takes a long time to recover. Longer than bariatric surgery and usually isn’t covered by insurance unless you have both."
– KatMagic1977
"It definitely does take a long time to recover. My Dad dropped a little over 200 pounds a few years back and decided to go through with skin removal surgery to deal with the excess. His procedure was extensive, as in he had skin taken from just about every part of his body excluding his head, and he went through hell for weeks in recovery, and he was bedridden for a lot of it."
– Jaew96
These Redditors shared their pleasantly surprising experiences.
Shopping
"I can buy clothes in any store I want."
– WaySavvyD
"When I lost weight I was dying to go find cute, smaller clothes and I really struggled. As someone who had always been restricted to one or two stores that catered to plus-sized clothing, a full mall of shops with items in my size was daunting. Too many options and not enough knowledge of brands that were good vs cheap. I usually went home pretty frustrated."
– ganache98012
No More Symptoms
"Lost about 80 pounds in the past year and a half, biggest thing that I’ve noticed that I haven’t seen mentioned on here yet is my acid reflux and heartburn are basically gone. I used to be popping tums every couple hours and now they just sit in the medicine cabinet collecting dust."
– colleennicole93
Expanding Capabilities
"I'm all for not judging people by their appearance and I recognise that there are unhealthy, unachievable beauty standards, but one thing that is undeniable is that I can just do stuff now. Just stamina and flexibility alone are worth it, appearance is tertiary at best."
– Ramblonius
People Change Their Tune
"How much nicer people are to you."
"My feet weren't 'wide' they were 'fat.'"
– LiZZygsu
"Have to agree. Lost 220 lbs, people make eye contact and hold open doors and stuff"
"And on the foot thing, I also lost a full shoe size numerically and also wear regular width now 😅"
– awholedamngarden
It's gonna take some getting used to.
Bones Everywhere
"Having bones. Collarbones, wrist bones, knee bones, hip bones, ribs. I have so many bones sticking out everywhere and it’s weird as hell."
– Princess-Pancake-97
"I noticed the shadow of my ribs the other day and it threw me, there’s a whole skeleton in here."
– bekastrange
Knee Pillow
"Right?! And they’re so … pointy! Now I get why people sleep with pillows between their legs - the knee bones laying on top of each other (side sleeper here) is weird and jarring."
– snic2030
"I lost only 40 pounds within the last year or so. I’m struggling to relate to most of these comments as I feel like I just 'slimmed down' rather than dropped a ton. But wow, the pillow between the knees at night. YES! I can relate to this. I think a lot of my weight was in my thighs. I never needed to do this up until recently."
– Strongbad23
More Mobility
"I’ve lost 100 lbs since 2020. It’s a collection of little things that surprise me. For at least 10 years I couldn’t put on socks, or tie my shoes. I couldn’t bend over and pick something up. I couldn’t climb a ladder to fix something. Simple things like that I can do now that fascinate me."
"Edit: Some additional little things are sitting in a chair with arms, sitting in a booth in a restaurant, being able to shop in a normal store AND not needing to buy the biggest size there, being able to easily wipe my butt, and looking down and being able to see my penis."
– dma1965
People making significant changes, whether for mental or physical health, can surely find a newfound perspective on life.
But they can also discover different issues they never saw coming.
That being said, overcoming any challenge in life is laudable, especially if it leads to gaining confidence and ditching insecurities.