Love is rough. There are many little quirks you have to put up with in a partner. Those quirks are part of the "compromise" that makes love worth it. Or... are they more than quirks? Are they flat out rude actions. Some people may not be able to handle all you are and your authentic self. That's a problem y'all. For instance...
Redditor Pohllypockets went to Reddit for some "Dear Abby" advice by asking.... My boyfriend [24m] always tells me [22f] not to talk about inappropriate topics in public. I feel like I can't have a conversation at all without him telling me to change the topic. Her story goes as follows...
My boyfriend Dan always tells me "Don't talk about that when people can hear you" and I feel like most of the stuff he says that about is stuff that's just normal conversation. I'll give a couple examples so you get the idea.
We were at the supermarket and he asked me if I was going to my friend Jim's party. I said I wasn't sure yet. He asked why. I said "I told Jim that me and the girls wouldn't go if Mark was gonna be there, cause Mark's been a huge creep to us all." Dan shushed me, and whispered "Don't talk about that here"
Another time, we were on the bus, and I was talking about my old roommate, and how she was still dating a teacher she had in high school, who came onto her basically immediately after she graduated. And how sketchy that was. Dan basically told me off for saying that on the bus. Which felt kinda ridiculous because there's worse stuff you hear on buses; there was some strung out druggie woman talking to herself just a few seats back.
Another time, we were in the pharmacy, and I said "What brand of lube did you like better? I forget" And held up two bottles. He got really irritated when we got back in the car.
And one more time, he got snippy with me for saying "Did I tell you what my therapist said this morning?" Because apparently seeing a therapist is another inappropriate topic.
In general, I feel like I have to put on some kinda picture perfect act every time we're outside one of our apartments. Like I can't tell the truth about conflicts in my friend group, weird stuff I've seen in life, or ask even basic questions about lube and condoms, in the lube and condoms aisle of the pharmacy...
It's not like he minds those topics in general. I think it's more like an anxiety thing, that he's worried about strangers overhearing and judging us. But it's really stressing me out, because I never know what he's going to tell me is a no-no topic for him. I feel like I've got to put on an act every time we're outside, or else we're going to argue.
But I don't know if I'm in the wrong, and I really could do to tone it down a little. So I'm looking for a few second opinions. Is the kinda stuff I say stuff I should be embarrassed to say in a public place? If not, how can I talk to my boyfriend about how much this is stressing me out?
Thoughts??
Sounds like he needs a therapist...
Giphy
He sounds like he's really self-conscious about what other people/strangers think of him. The examples you gave don't sound like something you should be quieted for in my opinion. It's not like you were loudly swearing in front of children at church. Maybe it's an issue of compatibility. If you're a more outgoing, carefree person, you shouldn't have to feel embarrassed about that because your boyfriend is uncomfortable. It's really frustrating to feel like you can't be yourself around your significant other or feel like they're embarrassed of you. Have you talked to him about it or how often it seems to happen? Did he have anything to say?
The City limits...
Is your boyfriend from a small town?
Cause 100% of that absolutely would get to my mom by the time I got home where I grew up. Took a long time for the small town paranoia to fall away. Being chatty in public is definitely a perk I have come to enjoy living in a bigger city.
Did you just... Shush me?
Giphy
My husband used to be like your boyfriend. He'd give me a look to shoosh me, and I would stare back at him as if to say "silence me I dare you" and continue talking. We would later have discussions about it and found some compromises. He once told me he preferred long hair when I was itching to cut it and told him. I acknowledged his opinion and cut it off anyways. Then he realized he liked me still with short hair. As you can tell, I don't take to feeling like someone is trying to control me well.
These little quirks make me who I am, and he fell in love with quirky me so he can put up with a wife who thinks tennis shoes are appropriate for church when my feet hurt.
He did back off after discussions where I said I felt like these were attempts to control me or change me. Why fall in love with a person and then attempt to change them? He also naturally chilled a lot over the years, but I asserted myself on these things while dating.
It may become a mountain if you don't level the molehill.
Cleanup In Aisle 4
Ok the lube one is just hilarious...
But he sounds really uptight and... repressed? Like I'm from a super WASP-y family, and we just don't talk about a lot of things, but thats usually money/income/mental health issues. We're all over gossip about creeps and lecherous teachers...
Is he very image conscious? Like overly concerned what other people think of him?
The past never leaves you.
I was thinking this was probably the result of a WASPy upbringing. And I mean sure, maybe not everyone wants to have a grand conversation about income or mental health issues or lube in the middle of the store. But shushing his girlfriend talking about someone else's mental health in front of other randos? That's super ridiculous and potentially problematic because that would encourage people being harassed/abused/mentally tortured to not speak up. And that speaks to upper echelon royalty/megarich WASPyness. I hope he can come around and be more comfortable with this sort of stuff, otherwise their relationship might stall out for inability to communicate.
Don't be creepy!
Giphy
Being shushed over the creeper or the therapist thing would really bother me.
Saying you want to avoid someone who is treating you badly says nothing bad. I'd be angry if he acted like I should be ashamed or hide it. Creeper dude is why I'm not sure I'm going to the party. He asked; I replied.
Pull it together dude!
Literally the only thing I could see his point with was the lube, because some people are just shy about that sort of thing.
For everything else, he's being ridiculous and controlling. If he's so insecure that he's constantly on alert about what other people might hear and think of him then he needs to get his crap together or see someone about it instead of expecting you to accommodate his foolishness all the time.
Next time he does it, wait until you're out of immediate earshot of strangers and tell him bluntly "I'm getting tired of being shushed. I'm sorry if you're that worried about what strangers think, but I'd like to talk to my partner and I'm pretty much done with being scolded when I try. If you want to talk about why it bothers you when we get home we can, but I'm not going to walk on eggshells anymore."
Get over yourself!
Giphy
Exactly. He really over-estimates how interested everyone is in him if he thinks completely strangers have nothing better to do or nothing more important to think about then what he and his girlfriend are talking about. Most people probably don't even notice they're there, never mind trying to hang on their every word, especially when the girlfriend is talking in a normal tone to a person right next to her and not exactly bellowing across the room. He needs to get over himself. He's not that important.
He's treating you like a child. That's how a parent talks to you not your bf.
Those are not inappropriate topics. Maybe he means he is not comfortable talking about them, but that would require more clear communication from him. Could be how he was raised to not talk about certain things.
Small City Advice
Giphy
Honestly I usually refrain from saying "gossip" type things when I'm out. We live in a small city but it's very much everyone knows everyone kind of place. I get worried about someone overhearing and spreading it or telling the person we were talking about. And it's not like my husband and I never do a bit of gossip in public, we do.
However, my husband is a loud talker and I have to remind him to turn the volume down during certain topics. At least twice now I've had to stop my husband from complaining about a child when their parents are near by because he is oblivious and talks a little loud. (And yes it is a problem because these kids aren't friends with my kids but they go to the same school and I don't need that kind of drama.)
Let him deal...
That's a him issue that he's projecting onto you, and if you stay this way it might warp your way of thinking about them. You're right that absolutely nothing you mentioned was inappropriate both in terms of context or content. I'd personally just chalk this up to incompatibility and move on, but maybe you've been dating for longer and feel comfortable with helping him unpack these issues with a therapist.
Family can be rough to...
My sister is like this. She frequently shushes me, gets embarrassed, thinks a topic is inappropriate, or thinks other people can hear. It's a social anxiety thing and I love my sister but it's really frustrating because her anxiety-by-proxy ends up feeling like she's controlling what I do/say out of her own embarrassment of me. I'm not sure if I would be able to handle that in a romantic partner because I'm extroverted and personable and it's just incompatible with how I live my life and makes me feel like she's ashamed of me or thinks I'm embarrassing.
Not sure if you feel a similar way, but it might be worth talking to him about how it makes you feel when he does this!
Peace out Yo!
Giphy
You're just incompatible. I might think you're the more normal one out of the pair of you, but I don't think it's right to tell him he has to change out of this prude/modest mindset. IDK if those are even the right words to use, but it is what it is.
I'm a lady AND... a woman!
I don't want to blow things out of perspective, but I dated a guy like this for 2.5 years and it was actually him controlling me and making me feel ashamed about random things because of his insecurity. Examples like you talked about - something a tiny bit sexual he would freak out, if I said something 'unladylike' or vulgar... Honestly I'd take it as a red flag, but maybe that's because of my personal experience.
Sense & Sensibility...
I feel like you need to try to have a conversation with him about WHY these topics are problematic. When I say that i mean don't just casually ask why, but try to have a genuine discussion. I get the impression that he's a very private person, and you are the opposite. I think if you two try to understand each other more you might find a middle ground. For example, while I agree most of this is very uptight-ish the first couple of examples are of you being gossipy and a couple are about privacy, and maybe he genuinely finds gossip distasteful and is a very private person. Who knows. That's why you should try to have a meaningful discussion about it. When it happens, don't get defensive, but say something like "I notice that you feel that way a lot when i try to talk about xyz, and I want to understand why that bothers you." Make it clear that you aren't trying to change his mind, get upset or defend yourself, but that you want to understand. While you're doing that, you should absolutely have the opportunity to express why it's important to you to be able to openly/publicly discuss certain things, how it makes you feel when he belittles you/ shuts you down, and just maybe you'll come away with a better understand in that can actually help you find a balance approached to how you converse in public. In some circumstances, like h the lube type incidents, uptight people learn the be less uptight when we insist on keeping it light. Maybe he'll always be the bashful type and you just gotta be ok with that, but he has to accept that you're outgoing and don't give a damn. It starts by talking about boundaries and understanding why a person has them. From there you either learn how to overcome them or respect them.
Remember, there are TWO sensibilities that matter in this relationship so it can't just be about supporting whatever YOU are most comfortable with. Lastly, if you simply cannot find a comfortable balance without feeling like you're light is being quelled, then perhaps consider that you two aren't an ideal match and its a sign that he's not the best intimate partner for you.
Giphy
Soooooo.....I'm Asian, and while I don't really have a problem with some of these topics, I absolutely can see people from my cultural background not feeling comfortable about talking about these kind of things. Especially the lube bit....The therapist part I absolutely can understand. There's still stigma around that depending where you're from. People don't necessarily want anyone to know that you're seeing a therapist.
So ..... my question is, is there a cultural thing here? Or simply how he was brought up? You may need to have a heart to heart with him and come to a middle ground.
Boys?
Not everything is a gender issue but I'd really like to know if he shushes male friends this way?
I can't hear you!
Giphy
I'm with him on the lube. LOL I'd be so embarrassed! Do you perhaps have a louder voice? Also, it seems the examples are always around very private topics or gossip. I think this is pure incompatibility. You have the right to want to talk about these topics, he has the right not to discuss them.
Well, I do see your BF's point. The examples you gave can be considered gossip and private, and those are not typically discussed in situations within an earshot of others in public.
However, the issue I am seeing here is that (1) you and your BF disagree on what inappropriate topics are, and (2) you have yet to stop talking after his request (this may be related to issue #1).
I think it would be wise for you to sit down with you BF, understand where he is coming from (old fashioned, maybe?), and agree on what to say/ not say in public.
PS. Others behaving poorly does not give you the right to behave as such. You repeat to others about those weird stuff you heard/ seen in pubic, and I am certain you wouldn't want to be the subject of someone else's sharing.
But we should also be prepared and ready to ask the right questions to have a leg up on the competition.
"What is THE best question to ask on a job interview?"
A company's history or information about a past employee were suggested subjects appropriate for questioning.
Prior Knowledge
"When you were interviewing here, what would you have liked to know before you joined?"
"This worked for me. I asked my interviewer a question about how she had personally dealt with a company policy she had just explained. She bragged about her stellar adherence to the policy. I nodded my approval. I got the job."
A Previous Employee
"One that has always gone over well for me:"
"What were some qualities that the previous employee in this role brought to the job that you would like to see carried forward?"
"Another good thing to do is research the company you are interviewing with and you can ask things about what they may be involved in or you could drop that while reading about the company, you wondered this."
Hypothetical questions were suggested as helpful examples of inquiry.
Indicators Of How Companies Treat Employees
"A question that landed me a job once was: 'If I asked your direct reports about your management style, what do you think they'd tell me?' Stumped a hiring manager and he emailed me personally to tell me about it, no one ever asked him that question but got the job.
"In my current interviews I'm asking 'what did your company do for its employees during [the virus] to improve their day to day, work life balance, etc.' and I ask 'Is there anything your company adopted during [the virus] that they plan to keep post [the virus]?"
"These questions give a lot of insight into whether a company treated their employees well."
Past Performance & Adjustments
"If we were currently sitting in my 1 year review, what would I have done in this year for you to say I excelled in my role?"
"If I could snap my finger right now and change anything about your job or the company, what would it be and why?"
The following questions about a prospective company may not be answered from initial digging on their website.
Measure Of Success & Career Trajectories
"How is success measured in this role?"
"What are some possible career trajectories within the company that could stem from this position?"
Being A Solution
"Ask them what is the biggest problem you can solve for them in your first six months with the company. Similar to 'don't think of a purple hippo,' this forces them to imagine you succeeding in the position."
Simply The Best
"Who is your best employee and why is he/she the best?"
"You will then face 2 situations mostly:"
"panicking CEO who can't answer you 'Bob who works 17 hours a day for a slice of bread' so the fear in their faces must be a big nono for you"
"entusiast CEO who actually follow their business and can tell you who is an added value for the company and why."
– ThePiz91
My experiences with job interviews are different than others seeking work in office environments.
Having had a years-long career as a dancer, my "interview" was the dance audition, where hopefuls dance in small groups of people at a time after learning a routine and then awaiting their fate after the panel evaluates their performances.
The question I may or may not have asked in such a scenario earlier in my career was: "Did I make the cut?"
I did not make the cut. And I learned never to ask that again.
I remember the worst date I ever had. My biggest regret is that I stayed for the entire thing. I should've left as soon as I realized this was not going well, which was basically at hello. But he was paying so I drank, a lot. I'll keep names and dates to myself to protect the innocent.
0/10
Big Brother Reaction GIF by Big Brother After DarkGiphy"Went to brewery, date said I had hairy arms and that meant I was horny, said "you look really awful in this light" and then tried to dig out of that hole by saying in his native language that was a term of endearment long term couples said to each other. 0/10 did not date again."
Lucky 13?
"My wife wanted to plan our 13th wedding anniversary. I was excited because usually, I plan it. She bought us some new disc golf discs and after a quick supper, we went to play. We hadn't played in forever. We were laughing and I had a great time. She served me with divorce papers and told me that the date was a test to see if she still had feelings for me. I also learned that she was having an affair that started well before our anniversary."
- rmorlock
Two Hours from Home
"Not necessarily a date but a person I was dating invited me to his parent's house for the afternoon. He wanted to introduce me to them and show me the house he grew up in. I thought it was super sweet and had no problems going. He was also in the middle of moving and needed to pick up a few things, so it really didn't seem that unusual."
"Yeah, we got there and it was awful. His entire family was there. They traveled from hours away too. This was not just meeting the parents, it was meeting the ENTIRE family. Even worse? At some point, this idiot told his parents that he had proposed. We had been dating TWO months. I spent the entire afternoon dumbfounded and just playing along."
"We were two hours from home and I had no cell service, no way to leave at all. We ended up spending the afternoon brainstorming wedding ideas and planning an Alaskan honeymoon that his parents planned to gift us. His brother even called to say congratulations! We drove back to his apartment in silence. When we got there, I got in my car and left, didn't even bother grabbing my stuff. Weirdest experience ever. I have no idea how he broke it to his parents that we weren't getting married."
You're Cut Off!
"Got set up on a blind date once between mutual friends. She shows up to the restaurant already a little tipsy, orders multiple appetizers and only takes like one or two bites from each one. Then she proceeds to order 3 or 4 more drinks and is visibly drunk at this point. She gets up and says she's going to the bathroom and staggers off. About 15-20 minutes go by so I try to call her several times but no answer."
"Finally I decide to pay the check and just leave. About 2 hours later I'm sitting at home and I get a call from an unknown number. It's the police department. She was picked up on a DUI on her way home after she ditched me and gave the cops my number to see if I could go bail her out!"
- mox44ah
Sorry?
Bbc Three Idk GIF by BBCGiphy"Well, I gave this answer on a different topic, but it ties in with this. We were out on a date, we had been seeing each other for a while, close to a year maybe. She gets a phone call. Suddenly she looks destroyed. Her fiancé had just died in a motorcycle accident."
What in the world? I mean how can we ever expect to pair off with the dating pool being inundated with liars and nut jobs? I'm going to delete my apps.
Girl, Bye.
Sassy Beyonce GIFGiphy"Had a girl openly flirt with the bartender in front of me. She says she wasn't. But handing him her own phone and asking for his contact info in front of her date seems like it to me."
Crazy!
"Came out from a movie, late at night, and date's Camaro was stolen. Apparently, he called his WIFE (that I did not know he had) and let her know where he was and what happened. She showed up and realized he was on a date! She started chasing ME around the parking lot telling me she was going to kill me. Saved by the cops who showed up just in time to take the auto theft report."
Hey Mom
"Met a girl at a country bar one night in my 20s. We were both pretty drunk but hit it off pretty good. Ended up getting her number and we agreed we'd go on a real date. Fast forward to the date, she gets in my vehicle and... she looks almost identical to my mom. I was mortified. I was polite and we went for lunch where I found out she also had a boyfriend she "wasn't sure if she was into". Never talked to her again."
- SgtGo
Liars...
"When I was in college many years ago, before the advancement of cell phones and social media, I was chatting with a girl I met on a BBS who lived on Long Island, NY. I was 18 at the time, but lied and said I was 22 because she said she was 25. We spent a few weeks emailing each other, as well as calling each other."
"We even exchanged pics. When we finally met up, things blew up. Turns out we both lied about our ages: She was really 33, and lied because she thought she looked younger. She admitted she sent a college photo to me. We still had dinner together, but it was awkward as hell. We never spoke again."
Doubles
Kill Me Now Season 1 GIF by FriendsGiphy"It was a double date. She was more interested talking to the other girl throughout the whole thing. Found out later from the other guy that his girl cheated on him with my date."
Ummm... I think I'm just going to stay single. That is a handful of crazy. Why can't people just be honest? I swear the search for love warps people's brains. Be careful out there people.
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