Weve all seen it before drill sergeants in movies making hilarious and sometimes outrageous comments to their subordinates. Well how do this hold up in real life? People reveal the funniest thing theyve ACTUALLY heard a drill sergeant say.
1/25. "I am going to take a sh*t in a box and send it to your parents for sending me theirs!"
2/25. One of our warrant officers took my glasses, drew a crosshair on one of the lenses and introduced me as a "future soldier" to a colonel who was inspecting our training.
3/25. My battle buddy and I were ordered to dig holes, so when were about to our waist he proceeded to turn on a hose. He started to fill the holes with water and told us to stay in the hole. Another drill sergeant walks by and asks him what he's doing. He says "I'm watering my petunias".
More hilarious stories on the next page!
7/25. We came back from a run one night, it just was starting to snow. We came back to see all out bunks and lockers had been thrown out. I being not the smartest Pvt. said "I could have sworn I made my bed" drill sergeant was behind me. I painted a fence at midnight in the snow for three hours. I almost cried the whole time while painting that damn fence.
8/25. "If I wanted to hear shit, I would have farted!"
9/25. We do a lot of aid training, such as CPR, wound healing, exposed intestines, chest hole fix, etc etc. the fun stuff. In training, one of the steps is to tell someone to call 911. Specifically point at them and direct them. In combat, this switches to pointing at someone to go get the medic.
We were all lined up at our bunks at the end of the day and the drill instructor was talking. The same as you can see in movies like Full Metal Jacket.
As his final words, he is dictating whom is going to do fire watch for the night. Fire watch is basically someone standing at the main door who guards sleeping recruits and also watched out for any fires or anything else that could kill us in our sleep. There are always two people on watch in our platoon of about 60.
He points at one recruit and says "You, go stand fire watch in the front."
He points at another recruit and says, "You, get dressed for fire watch too."
He points at a third recruit. He hesitates because he realizes that he's already picked two. He suddenly says, "You...." .... "Go call 911."
Funniest thing that happened in all of boot camp. He let us all laugh for about 3 seconds and then told "alright now...enough."
10/25. "Assume the position!"
We were about to do punishment pushups; I forget why. But we were his first female company... and 80 women shouted "Yes Sir!" very... enthusiastically. And threw ourselves onto the deck. While smiling.
Poor man turned a lovely shade of red and ran and locked himself in his office. No pushups were done because our female CC was laughing too hard and she had to leave the room as well.
From then on, she was the one who ordered us to do pushups.
11/25. The drill sergeant did this thing where they would yell "Freeze, Recruit, Freeze". We would have to stop whatever we were doing.
As my bunk mate was running back from the showers wearing nothing but a towel the DS screamed "Freeze, Recruit, Freeze". My bunk mate tried to freeze on one leg and then fell down, naked, and because he was following orders, just laid there naked. I laughed and my DS called me a cock gazer.
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12/25. During roll call, there was a soldier who's last name was Parts, so DS would read out loud, "Private Parts! Private Parts! Where is Private Parts?!"
13/25. Walking by the snake pit when I'm stopped by another MTI who asked if my TI cursed at us. I answered no as they technically aren't supposed to, but they still do. The MTI then grabbed a banana off my plate and said if I wanted it back I had to answer truthfully. Food being a luxury and I do love my bananas, I answered yes and he sent me on my way. Later that day in the day room my MTI comes busting in, "Which one of you motherf*ckers sold me out for a god damn banana?!"
14/25. "If you drop your magazine again before putting your safety on I will kick you in the balls and make you sing like Mariah Carey."
15/25. The Senior DS had us all bend over at the waist and put our heads between our knees as low as possible. Then he wanted us to all stand up as quickly as possible while shouting "POP!". Once we did that, he said, "Congratulations men, you've just pulled your head out of your motherf*cking ass!"
16/25. We were lined up in 4 rows, or "Elements."
One day a lone soul lined up in his own element. The instructor came running around the corner staring at this guy. He got right up to his face and screamed,
"ARE YOU BRUCE WILLIS?!"
"No, ...sir" he whimpered.
"THEN WHY ARE YOU IN THE FIFTH ELEMENT?!"
I had to use everything within me to not laugh.
17/25. "He's so dumb, if he fell in a barrel of tits, he'd come out sucking his thumb."
I'll never forget that line.
More hilarious comments on the next page!
18/25. One of the first days in basic a guy in my platoon was standing at attention while having his room inspected by the instructor.
It didn't matter how nice his room was because there was a large piece of fuzz/fluff on his shirt that immediately drew the sergeant's attention.
"Recruit Bloggins! What is that on your shirt?! Is that a fluffy!?"
"Yes sergeant!"
"Why is there a fluffy on your shirt Bloggins!?"
"I must have missed it sergeant!"
"Missed it? It is so huge, how did you miss such a big fluffy!?" She picks it off of him "Hold out your hand" He holds out his hand and she places it in his palm "This is Mr. Fluffy. Find a home for him, like a pill bottle or something. From now on, whenever I want to see Mr. Fluffy you must bring him to me."
And so, for the rest of basic, every time the sergeant found a piece of fuzz she would yell out, "MR. FLUFFY!" and Bloggins would have to march over to her and present Mr. Fluffy and she would formally hand him the new piece of fuzz to add to Mr. Fluffy. There was hell to pay if he didn't have Mr. Fluffy with him at all times.
19/25. We were shining our boots when a staff sergeant (called a Sergeant Instructor) from another platoon walked through.
Delbert, a friend of mine, glanced up from his work and made a microsecond of eye contact with the Sergeant Instructor.
SI: "Midshipman, why are you looking at me?"
Delbert: Silence.
SI: "Midshipman, do you like me?"
At this point I am listening and thinking "Sh*t, I'm not sure there is a good answer to that question".
Delbert: "Uh, yes, Sergeant Instructor."
SI: "Well liking leads to loving and loving leads to f*cking. Do you want to f*ck me, Midshipman?"
Delbert: "NO, Sergeant Instructor!"
SI: "Then keep your damned eyeballs off of me!"
20/25. My sister platoon had to march around carrying their toilet plungers everywhere. At meal time, the section seniors had to stand at attention, in the hallway outside the mess, holding out a toilet plunger... It was hilarious!
21/25. My T.I. (Air Force) started his lighter right in front of the face of the dorm guard on duty and asked her, "You see fire, what do you do?" It was priceless to watch his jaw hang open when she simply blew it out like a candle.
He took a second to regain composure and lit it up again, asking "There's a fire in the dorm, what do you DO?" She quietly answered "Fire, fire, fire?" and he growled, "Well?"
Then she ran around the room shouting "Fire! Fire! Fire!" like she was supposed to and those of us watching had to fight not laughing and stumbling while going down the stairs.
22/25. "Does it look like I have a sh*t-sweep hangin' between my legs?!!!
In response to a basic trainee referring to her as a "Sir".
Continue for more hilarious stories!
23/25. My RDC (navy boot camp instructor) ripped ass all the time. It got to the point where she would always do it at the most quiet time just to beat us later for laughing. My favorite moment was when we were lining up for chow and she walks by and toots so hard the entire line heard it (80+ people) and as she hears people giggling, she whips around and screams, "WHO THE F*CK SAID THAT?!" All the grins were wiped immediately only to hear her follow up, "some asshole's talking sh*t behind my back..."
24/25. So, I was at Basic in Fort Benning, and we were zero'ing our weapons as a company. Zero'ing a weapon is when you ensure it shoots where you want it to by shooting a paper target repeatedly. Sounds easy enough. Now, I am a terrible shot. I know this. Everyone knows this. However, I get even worse when I'm being screamed at. I spent hours on the line until, finally, there were only four of us cats who hadn't gotten a "go" in the whole company. We had three more hours of range time, and if we failed to zero, we'd be "recycled."
"Recycled" entails having to revert to another company earlier along in Basic Training. So, not only do you lose your buddies, but you catch a couple extra weeks of training with a unit that knows you're a sh*tbird of some sort. So, a fate worse than death.
After another unsuccessful grouping, my drill sergeant, without a word, picked me up from the prone position and stood me up. He looked at me and said "Go find me a pine cone." Confused, I took four steps, scooped up a pine cone and took it back to him. I presented him my findings, and he responded "Private, that's not my pine cone, go find me my fucking pine cone!"
Keep in mind, this is a forest in Georgia, there's a metric shit ton of pine cones. So I jog off and work on my "mission." This entire time, my DS is shooting all my rounds off, genuinely enjoying himself. Every pine cone I bring to him is not his pine cone. This continued for about 15 minutes while the rest of the company, sitting in a clearing eating MREs, cheered me on.
Finally, I breathlessly run up and hand him another pine cone, about to jog off to grab another. He looks at me, then the pine cone, then me. .... "STEVE!" he yells "You found Steve, private!"
I shit you not, I had never been more relieved in my entire life, until his face scrunched into a grimace.
"Wait, private, where's his family? ... WHO THE F*CK TAKES A PINE CONE AWAY FROM HIS FAMILY!?"
So, terrified, I spend around half an hour scavenging for appropriate sized pine cones, while he fires maniacally. Eventually, I hunt down his "wife" and his two "kids." (At one point I brought "Steve's estranged son, Dennis", and I needed to do push-ups for causing Steve "emotional duress.")
Anyway he lets me fire (after I prop up the family to "cheer me on"), I go prone, and I zero on the first iteration. He picks me up again, cracks the only smile I ever saw from him, and says "It was all in your head, you dumb f*ck. Good job. Now go do push-ups till I'm tired." He also had me write my congressman later that day to apologize for wasting taxpayer money on bullets.
A pine cone saved my military career.
25/25. "I just want to stand here and stare at my privates!"
When we're intoxicated, or even the slightest bit tipsy from having a little too much to drink, our immediate perspective on things is hazy.
But there's nothing like a bit of alarming news or a jarring incident to snap us out of the fog and focus on the moment.
Sometimes alcohol isn't always to blame for our impairment.
It can be a state of mind, like a perpetual numbness from being complacent in life, and all it takes is one shocking moment to rattle us back to our senses.
Curious to hear from strangers online about this type of scenario, Redditor Known_Challenge_7150 asked:
"What’s one thing that sobered you up real quick?"
These individuals were witness to shocking events that sobered them up right quick.
Bleeding Out
"Got out of a taxi and found a naked man profusely bleeding from his head crawling up the driveway in my condo. Called him an ambulance completely forgot I was absolutely wasted until 45 minutes later when I'd helped him translate and in to an amublance and stepped in my front door."
"Later a few days later learned he'd slipped in the tub and literally crawled out for help. Poor dude. He was fine but I genuinely thought he was going to die there."
– DongLaiCha
Tragic News
"At a bachelor party and we got a phone call that the groom’s father had suddenly passed."
– accountnameredacted
Bottom Of The Barrel
"I went to visit my parents back in July. I was homeless and deep into fentanyl addiction so I lost a lot of weight. My folks could see it. They knew something was up. Anyway, I spent the night and I was getting ready to leave in the morning and I looked at myself in the mirror for a good long time. I finally had enough and told them everything. They took me to detox, from there I went to rehab. Graduated in August and been living with them ever since then. I have 160 days clean and sober."
– Crotch-Monster
A reality check can be enough for some people to snap out of it.
Like Father, Like Son
"Was driving a drunk friend home, he had been on a bender again and was smart enough to call me for a lift rather than try and drive. As I helped in to his house his mother came down the stairs and said 'your as drunk as your father' and went back upstairs. I haven't seen him drunk since then, he still drinks but the thought of turning into his dad scared him out of hard drinking."
– psycospaz
Busted
"Flashing blue lights."
– FiddleOfGold
"This sobered me up just thinking about it."
– redmaple_syrup
Losing Sight
"Woke up to no sight in one eye. I had cataract surgery so just thought one of the lenses had slipped and it was an easy fix. Eye doc says nope, you had a stroke. I loved soy sauce, teriyaki sauce and salty food, which caused high blood pressure, which caused retina damage. Over six months was able to get most of my eyesight back with medication, and all back within a year. Trying to navigate life with one eye was very sobering. Started taking HBP much more seriously."
– MissHibernia
Quitting The Bottle
"Looked up someone I went to highschool with who was an awesome guy. Found out he had been dead for 3 years from alcoholism, at age 33. I made an overnight change. I hadn't started drinking that night yet, 10 months ago. Haven't touched it again since."
– omgtater
These disturbing moments were enough for Redditors to immediately come to their senses.
Unplanned House Guests
"Me and a buddy Woke up in someone’s living room, realized neither one of us knew the people, they were just nice and let 2 drunk guys sleep on their living room floor. We didn’t even say goodbye."
– Oneinsevenbillion75
Serious Health Warning
"Elevated liver enzymes."
"And the knowledge that this sh** was gonna kill me and I just couldn't orphan my family over it."
"So I opted for recovery, instead."
"Clean and sober since June 5, 2009."
– Far_Meal8674
The Joyride
"Grew up in a rural area. The little town hosted dances at the hockey arena, everyone (adults and kids) went and they overserved everyone, regardless of age. I was maybe 16 or 17 and was absolutely sh*tfaced, and jumped in the back of someone's truck with about 8 other people to go back to someone's cottage for after dance drinking. The driver (still don't know who it was) started racing one of his buddies and we whipped around small dirt roads, flying around blind corners on the wrong side of the road, going god knows how fast. It was basically a disaster waiting to happen. It was crazy scary and I was sober and thankful to be alive when we finally arrived."
– foxfood9116
The human psyche is a fascinating thing, isn't it?
How we can automatically focus on something urgent at a crucial time, even after getting buzzed from drinking too much alcohol.
But as we're in the thick of the holidays, it's a good reminder to drink responsibly and stay off the roads if you drive to your celebratory destination.
Cheers. Stay safe. And happy holidays.
We've all complained or vented about something in our lives which, in the grand scheme of things, wasn't exactly a problem, or is very easily solved.
Then there are those who complain about things that others almost hope will happen to them at some point in their lives.
These are known as "first world problems", as they are problems that pretty much only the world's one percent faces.
From having to fly business class instead of first class, or being served Roederer instead of Dom Pérignon, these complaints are often met with amusement, bewilderment, or even anger.
Redditor jennimackenzie was curious to hear the most absurd "first world problems" anyone ever complained about, leading them to ask:
"What’s the most ridiculous 'first world problem' you’ve seen people get worked up over?"
"Tale As Old As Time..."
"I once knew a mom who was legitimately devastated, to the point of tears/grief, because a doctor predicted her 8 year old daughter's final height to be around 5'2","
"Which wasn't tall enough to get cast as Belle at Disney World."
"That was the child's (and her mother's) only dream in life, apparently."
"Didn't appreciate my suggestion that she could be Minnie or Mickey."
"Lol!"
"Only a face character would do!"- TravelLovingMom
"Must Be Funny, In A Rich Man's World..."
"My boss from about a decade ago was this insanely rich dude who always went to the bank to get fresh and crisp currency."
"He'd call the bank in advance to make sure they had some on hand."
"I think he was a germaphobe."
"He had a trash can that he'd throw $1 and $5 bills in that he thought was 'dirty' and regularly just donated it vs spending it."
"I asked him why he did this and he said it was too much trouble and asked if I wanted it."
"I said f*ck yeah dumped it into my bag and when I got home it was close to $400 in singles and fives.
"Another time, he wanted to upgrade all the computers in his studio, so we went to a store and bought 10 PCs."
"They all had $150 mail in rebates and he wasn't bothered to go through the trouble of mailing them in."
"3 weeks later I received $1500 after spending a whole afternoon filling out all those goddamn forms."- azninvasion2000
Money Burn GIF by nog
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Who Wore It Better?
"When I was about 19 years old, I was at my boyfriends family BBQ."
"I was wearing this pretty floral sundress."
"His cousins girlfriend showed up in the same dress and she was SO mad that she went and changed."
"I will never understand being upset when someone is wearing the same thing as you.'
"Did you really think that your shirt you bought off the rack is going to be unique to you?"
"No."- mertsey627
Seeing Red! Or Blue In This Case...
"The blue of the balloons wasn't quite the same as the bridesmaid's sashes."
"Years ago my wife and I attended a wedding."
"It was very low key."
"The dinner was in the dining hall at the university where the couple met, cinder block walls and all."
"It was a Baptist wedding - no booze and very serious."
"The dark blue balloons attempting to liven up the hall were a slightly darker shade of blue than the sashes on the bridesmaid's dresses."
"The bride lost here sh*t and absolutely raved for nearly an hour."
"I can't remember how they finally managed to talk her down."- mechant_papa
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See You In Court!
"Rich neighbors who end up in expensive court battles because they disagree about where a tree can be planted or whether the color of a fence fits in with the street’s 'amenity'."
'These disputes get really heated and rack up huge lawyers’ bills."
"The most pathetic part is after the judgement when they are arguing about who should pay the other party’s costs."
"Lots of affidavits filed citing the 'emotional distress' they had to endure, or painting themselves as brave warriors who were forced to take a stand to fight for 'justice'."
"Also lots of pompous litigants insisting that the judge refer to them by their 'Dr' title."
"An absolutely insane dumpster fire of entitled rich people problems."- ElectrocRaisin
It's Always People With Money Who Don't Want To Pay!
"I work in a public library."
"People will get so so mad if they have to be put on a wait list for a book."
"A popular book that just came out."
"Ok our services are not only free but so are the books."
"You’re welcome, a**holes."- Switchbladekitten
A Warm Butt Is A Happy Butt!
"My own."
"We have a bidet toilet seat (Fabulous! Everyone should have one!) and not only does it wash your bum and blow dry it, but the seat's heated!"
"It's shocking how much a heated toilet seat makes the whole process more agreeable."
"Except: We had a power outage and I went to use the toilet and the seat was cold!"
"Unacceptable!"
"This shall not stand!"
"I was really upset because it didn't feel good."
"Then I stopped and thought: This is the most first-world problem anyone's ever had."
"I was really pissed because my heiny was tepid."
"I got over it."- DeathGrover
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Holy Matrimony!
"Weddings are a gold mine for this question."
"People get so hyped up over their 'most important day of their life'."
"They'll destroy friendships, go into debt, and have crazy expectations."
"It's not always the couple who go crazy, either."
"Sometimes, it's the parents or another family member who feels entitled to control the wedding."
"It's just a party."
"Be considerate of guests, have plenty of food and drinks, and enjoy it."- magicrowantree
When Fast Food Isn't Fast Enough...
"Having to pull off to the side to wait for a drive-thru order to be brought out to you because your food isn't ready and there's a line building up behind you."- demanbmore
In Case You Don't Think Customer Service Employees Are Undervalued...
"I was working the return desk at a Target next to a military base so I have so many stories."
"One of my favorites was a lady who had her baby shower before revealing the gender and was livid that she had received floral newborn diapers when she’s having a boy."
"It was a huge box of super expensive, all organic diapers, that we didn’t carry and therefore could not return."
"I cannot accurately express her fury and disgust."
"How dare either suggest her boy could wear feminine diapers."
"I suggested she donate them if she didn’t want to use them and she instead threw away the entire box."
"When she left we pulled it out and threw it in our donate bin."
"There have also been multiple times where mom’s order massive toys and when we bring them out to the car they get furious that they aren’t wrapped."
"We don’t offer wrapping services."
"Here’s the thing, if you don’t want your kids to see the toys you got them for Christmas or their bit to day DON'T BRING THE CHILD WHEN YOU PICK IT UP."
'I’ve had multiple women scream and curse me out that I had ruined their kids Christmas by bringing the toys they ordered out to the car like they requested."- clever-mermaid-mae
Customer Service Waiting GIF by Juno Calypso
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Happiest Place On Earth!
"I used to work for Disney."
"That in itself should tell you everything."
"However for fun I'll give you two specific stories one form our tech department and one from my wife who worked bookings."
"I specifically worked for their call center to help with technical issues with magic band and the website."
"Suddenly got worse huh?"
"A right of passage call everyone has at least one story of is the 'Dome call'."
"Basically there is a subset of Disney Guest (TM) that believes if it rains at Walt Disney world there is someone that will push a button to encapsulate the whole of Disney property in a dome to keep out the rain."
"I'm not kidding."
"If this button is not pushed they call our tech department to angrily ask why."
"My wife worked booking."
"Pretty much everything including Bibbidi Bobbidi boutique and Pirate's league."
"These two things did roughly the same thing difference being price and theme."
"BBB was expensive did more and was focused on princesses, pirates league did a bit less and focused on mermaids and pirates."
"Lady called up my wife, and got pissed about BBB being booked up (It goes FAAAAST)."
"Karen: 'Im going to give the phone to my daughter and I want you to tell her how you are ruining her vacation by not letting her do BBB'."
"Wife proceeds to explain how pirate's league is so much cooler and how she can be a mermaid or pirate and basically gets the kid to start demanding to their parents about how they want to be a mermaid instead of a princess."- trollsong
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The horror!
Being booked into a junior suite at Disney World instead of an executive suite!
It's almost as bad as having no money for groceries, or no food to feed you children...
Said absolutely no one.