Let's face it - when we're alone, we all do things we wouldn't otherwise do in front of someone else. Singing at the top of our lungs, talking to ourselves, and the like. Sometimes, however, these solo sessions don't always work out as planned. Here, 19 unfortunate souls share the most embarrassing time they THOUGHT they were alone.
1/19. I was about fourteen years old. Not owning a laptop, I used the home desktop to masturbate. Said computer was located on the main floor in the family room. To my left, through the dining room, there was a large bay window that gives a perfect view of the front yard and the walkway that leads to the door.
So, knowing I was home alone I got to work. As I'm about to orgasm I see, out of the corner of my eye, my dad walking towards the front door through the bay window. I froze. I don't know why he was coming home but I know that he was NOT supposed to be there. I was so close and so into it my body went into some sort of autopilot and I was unable to stop. Seconds later, I finished as the front door opened.
My only course of action was to flip my penis into my waistband. I was wearing a dark shirt so I wasn't worried about the moisture being too terribly visible. I closed the computer and stood up to greet my father as he rounded the corner. Hands on my hips, poker face on, I say, "What's going on, dad?". He gives me a very concerned look. A combination of disappointment and disgust. How did he already know? I thought I had committed the perfect crime. At that moment I look down, only to discover that my still erect penis was on the OUTSIDE of my shirt. Totally exposed. I was absolutely mortified and just ran down to the basement. It has never been brought up.
2/19. I had just finished watching the whole series of Avatar: The Last Airbender one summer and was cleaning the house when the head of my broom fell off. Naturally, with my broken broom now resembling a staff, I went to my backyard and began to spin it around and play with a "staff" for a bit. Around five minutes went by and I looked up to find my neighbor watching from his window. I was 20 at the time.
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3/19. Just the other day... I got really high with my brother and his wife at my house, we had a grand old time and they ended up staying the night.
I woke up the next morning feeling pleasantly relaxed and, having completely forgotten that they stayed over, proceeded to take a nice refreshing bath.
With the door open. While singing loudly, and out of key. And shaving my family jewels.
Somewhere in between the second chorus of Kissed a Girl and the completion of a perfectly smooth scrotal surface, I noticed my sister-in-law frozen in horrified bafflement in the hall.
F*ck.
4/19. Was walking past a car pulled up in front of a shop on the side of the road. The passenger windows were rolled down and two fluffy dogs started barking at me with those really yappy kind of barks. Anyway, I barked back at them, just as yappy and loud. I guess this kinda confused them because they stopped barking. I barked once more to assert my dominance, pointed my finger at them and said "I'm watching you"
Then I noticed there were people in the back seat. Awesome.
5/19. Reverse situation. I was sick so stayed home from school. My sister thought I was gone and masturbated in the shower next to my room. Loudly.
6/19. My roommate has a cat and it greets me every time I come in. So like a lunatic I have a conversation with it.
- Me: Hey kitty
- Me: Meow
- Me: How was your day kitty
- Me: Meow Meow Meow
Didn't realize her boyfriend was in her room, staring at me through the crack in the door. I'm also a 6'4, quiet man.
7/19. I was at an IHOP with some friends and had received a serious wedgie upon sliding into my booth. The longer I sat there the worse it got so by the time we finished eating I was ready to fix the problem so I stepped out the front door and stepped around the side wall of the little entry way to pick it, and since no one was driving through the parking lot I figured I was safe but didn't want anyone sneaking up so I kept my back to the wall.
I was digging, hand down the back of my pants, yanking out the offending cloth when one of my friends walked around the corner and immediately started laughing at me and pointing. It took me a second to figure out she wasn't laughing at me but the poor family having breakfast behind the plate glass window that was looking at me in horror. In fact, the whole front of the restaurant is like a giant window
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8/19. I studied abroad in Germany. Now a nice thing about Germany is that you can drink outside, and nobody cares. It's just fine. So, when I first arrived all fresh faced and stupid from America, and my German friends invited me to go drinking at a festival on the river, well, I was there.
So, as things often go, when you've been drinking for a while, you need to pee. And I am no exception to the rule. Yet somehow, and this is really beyond me, there was no provision for this basic human need at this whole big festival. I'll just go in a bush or something. Granted, I was wearing pretty tight jeans, and when you're a girl, that means that peeing outside is sort of challenging, but hey, I was up for anything. So I go behind my bush, ducking from the well-lit street fair to the pitch blackness of the park. And I perform what is just a spectacular acrobatic maneuver, pants around ankles, bracing myself on two different trees to avoid peeing on my pants. I heaved this big enormous sigh of satisfaction as I begin struggling my way back into said pants.
My night vision slowly creeps back. And I realize that I am not the only person to pee behind this bush. There are at least twenty people peeing behind this bush. And what is worse, this seems to somehow be the mens bush. Exclusively. Twenty men, dongs in hand, just a-staring.
9/19. My wife and I were having sex and my best friend called. It was right when I first got a smart phone, so I wasn't 100% on how to reject calls. Well I didn't hit the right button, we continued having sex for at least a few minutes before I heard my buddy's voice say "are you guys having sex?". We stared at each other and burst out laughing because it was right in the middle of dirty talk.
10/19. I was staying at a nice hotel while travelling for work. They had a great pool. I went in there one morning and I was the only one there. I started messing about, recreating the opening scene of Jaws where the girl realizes that her leg has been bitten off, then lots of splashing like the shark had come back for the second go. Then I tried a bit of synchro, kicking my legs up in various shapes. Then I did a bit of goalkeeper practice by throwing my goggles and diving to catch them. Then I saw a window overlooking the pool and a family of 6 people eating breakfast and watching me. I'm a 51-year-old man.
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11/19. Realized that my building had security cams in the elevators after two years living there. And that concierge actually watch them. And the poor guys have been subjected to my solo dance parties for months. Christ.
12/19. While I was in grad school I lived in a basement apartment of a pretty big building. Right next door to me was the (pretty small) laundry room, a couple washers and dryers. Normally it wasn't a problem, but this one washer decided that on this day it was going to be particularly loud and was slamming around and it sounded like the world was ending inside my apartment. I was studying for finals and trying to concentrate, so all the noise was just a nightmare and I couldn't get anything done.
In a moment of complete exasperation I ran out into the hallway in my boxers and a t-shirt and into the laundry room. I lunged at the offending machine like it was a mugger trying to rob my grandma, I shook it violently and screamed, "Shut up you damn washer, don't you know I have finals this week?!" I unplugged it and plugged it back in, and I talked at it like a psychotic person, "I control whether you live or die. Gosh darn washer. Can't get anything done."
Around then I realized that I should probably not be doing this with other people living down the hall, so I decided to run back into my apartment. And then I turned around. There was this beautiful, college-aged woman who lived in my apartment building, standing there, staring at me, petrified.
She just held her detergent and roll of quarters quietly, eyes bulging. She nodded politely when I stammered about how "I'm studying for finals... uh, it was being loud."
About a week later I walked by woman and her friend on the street and I heard her whisper, "Oh my god, it's that guy. The guy from the laundry room I told you about."
13/19. Jerking it to 'that' scene in Titanic when I was about 14. Older brother walks in, "Oh... um... good scene, isn't it?"
14/19. Not me, but my father. He and my mother were grocery shopping when my dad suddenly had to let one rip. After turning down an aisle and assuming it was just him and my mother behind him, he lets out the biggest, raunchiest, fart (my dad's farts are legendary in my family). He lets out a "woo!" and turns around to my mom saying, "How did you like that one, honey?!"
Except it was not my mom. It was a grocery store employee. My dad said he's never seen such sheer horror on a face like that guy's.
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15/19. I was cleaning the deck outside and found my kids' toy pistols. I picked them up and, feeling silly, pretended I was Lara Croft by posing with them all willy nilly. A minute later I turned around and there was my husband staring at me through the door with a WTF look on his face.
The sad thing is I've been caught doing this more than once.
16/19. When I was 14 my parents went out for the night and left me home. I was a freshmen in high school and it was right around this time that I was starting to listen to music and I was finding out what music I liked and listening to as much music as I could. During this week I was given a Jimi Hendrix greatest hits album by a friend from school to listen to and I was listening to it non-stop for the entire week and would sing along and strum my air guitar to the music.
Since my parents went out they told me to order some food for myself and I settled on a large cheese pizza. I called the pizza place, ordered my pizza, and went back to my tunes while I waited for the delivery guy to come in a half-hour. Before I knew it I found myself with my Guitar Hero guitar around my neck and a tie dyed bandana on my forehead like Jimi at Woodstock and I was really rocking out to Voodoo Child like I was possessed.
At some point after the solo in that song I managed to open my eyes and I had the sh*t scared out of me by some really tall guy with long metal head hair and a giant beer gut in my bedroom rocking out with his eyes closed just as hard as I was. I actually screamed when I saw him and he screamed back at me and I was freaked out. I then noticed the pizza box that he had set down on top of my dresser and managed to stop screaming.
He said that he kept ringing the doorbell but I never came down to open the door so he let himself in. He figured that I was rocking out because I had my music so loud so he came upstairs to give me my pizza but didn't want to interrupt my jammin' so he put the pizza down for a minute and started jammin' along with me. The guy started rocking out with me when he saw that I was in the zone and said that he didn't mean to scare me. We both laughed about it and I paid for my pizza before walking downstairs with the guy. Before he walked out the door he said "Jimi f*ckin' rocks doesn't he?" I could only say, "Yeah, Jimi rocks."
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17/19. I had just taken a shower and had gotten out when my dog came in and started running around wanting to play. I ended up chasing him out of the bathroom while nude and he led me right to my sister, who had stayed home sick.
Needless to say she was curious why I was chasing our dog around while naked.
18/19. Going in the stockroom at work to fart, only to have a female coworker stocking the shelves behind the door.
19/19. I talk to myself when I'm alone. All the time, anywhere I happen to be alone. This includes when I'm working.
So one time I'm stocking candy at work, and I just bust out singing, "YOOOOUUUUUUUU LIIIGHT UP MYYY LIIIIIIIFE..." and I turn around and there's this poor customer looking at me trying not to laugh. I felt myself turn bright red, but I laughed awkwardly and said, "Sorry..."
He says, "Naw man, it's alright. I do it too."
When we're intoxicated, or even the slightest bit tipsy from having a little too much to drink, our immediate perspective on things is hazy.
But there's nothing like a bit of alarming news or a jarring incident to snap us out of the fog and focus on the moment.
Sometimes alcohol isn't always to blame for our impairment.
It can be a state of mind, like a perpetual numbness from being complacent in life, and all it takes is one shocking moment to rattle us back to our senses.
Curious to hear from strangers online about this type of scenario, Redditor Known_Challenge_7150 asked:
"What’s one thing that sobered you up real quick?"
These individuals were witness to shocking events that sobered them up right quick.
Bleeding Out
"Got out of a taxi and found a naked man profusely bleeding from his head crawling up the driveway in my condo. Called him an ambulance completely forgot I was absolutely wasted until 45 minutes later when I'd helped him translate and in to an amublance and stepped in my front door."
"Later a few days later learned he'd slipped in the tub and literally crawled out for help. Poor dude. He was fine but I genuinely thought he was going to die there."
– DongLaiCha
Tragic News
"At a bachelor party and we got a phone call that the groom’s father had suddenly passed."
– accountnameredacted
Bottom Of The Barrel
"I went to visit my parents back in July. I was homeless and deep into fentanyl addiction so I lost a lot of weight. My folks could see it. They knew something was up. Anyway, I spent the night and I was getting ready to leave in the morning and I looked at myself in the mirror for a good long time. I finally had enough and told them everything. They took me to detox, from there I went to rehab. Graduated in August and been living with them ever since then. I have 160 days clean and sober."
– Crotch-Monster
A reality check can be enough for some people to snap out of it.
Like Father, Like Son
"Was driving a drunk friend home, he had been on a bender again and was smart enough to call me for a lift rather than try and drive. As I helped in to his house his mother came down the stairs and said 'your as drunk as your father' and went back upstairs. I haven't seen him drunk since then, he still drinks but the thought of turning into his dad scared him out of hard drinking."
– psycospaz
Busted
"Flashing blue lights."
– FiddleOfGold
"This sobered me up just thinking about it."
– redmaple_syrup
Losing Sight
"Woke up to no sight in one eye. I had cataract surgery so just thought one of the lenses had slipped and it was an easy fix. Eye doc says nope, you had a stroke. I loved soy sauce, teriyaki sauce and salty food, which caused high blood pressure, which caused retina damage. Over six months was able to get most of my eyesight back with medication, and all back within a year. Trying to navigate life with one eye was very sobering. Started taking HBP much more seriously."
– MissHibernia
Quitting The Bottle
"Looked up someone I went to highschool with who was an awesome guy. Found out he had been dead for 3 years from alcoholism, at age 33. I made an overnight change. I hadn't started drinking that night yet, 10 months ago. Haven't touched it again since."
– omgtater
These disturbing moments were enough for Redditors to immediately come to their senses.
Unplanned House Guests
"Me and a buddy Woke up in someone’s living room, realized neither one of us knew the people, they were just nice and let 2 drunk guys sleep on their living room floor. We didn’t even say goodbye."
– Oneinsevenbillion75
Serious Health Warning
"Elevated liver enzymes."
"And the knowledge that this sh** was gonna kill me and I just couldn't orphan my family over it."
"So I opted for recovery, instead."
"Clean and sober since June 5, 2009."
– Far_Meal8674
The Joyride
"Grew up in a rural area. The little town hosted dances at the hockey arena, everyone (adults and kids) went and they overserved everyone, regardless of age. I was maybe 16 or 17 and was absolutely sh*tfaced, and jumped in the back of someone's truck with about 8 other people to go back to someone's cottage for after dance drinking. The driver (still don't know who it was) started racing one of his buddies and we whipped around small dirt roads, flying around blind corners on the wrong side of the road, going god knows how fast. It was basically a disaster waiting to happen. It was crazy scary and I was sober and thankful to be alive when we finally arrived."
– foxfood9116
The human psyche is a fascinating thing, isn't it?
How we can automatically focus on something urgent at a crucial time, even after getting buzzed from drinking too much alcohol.
But as we're in the thick of the holidays, it's a good reminder to drink responsibly and stay off the roads if you drive to your celebratory destination.
Cheers. Stay safe. And happy holidays.
We've all complained or vented about something in our lives which, in the grand scheme of things, wasn't exactly a problem, or is very easily solved.
Then there are those who complain about things that others almost hope will happen to them at some point in their lives.
These are known as "first world problems", as they are problems that pretty much only the world's one percent faces.
From having to fly business class instead of first class, or being served Roederer instead of Dom Pérignon, these complaints are often met with amusement, bewilderment, or even anger.
Redditor jennimackenzie was curious to hear the most absurd "first world problems" anyone ever complained about, leading them to ask:
"What’s the most ridiculous 'first world problem' you’ve seen people get worked up over?"
"Tale As Old As Time..."
"I once knew a mom who was legitimately devastated, to the point of tears/grief, because a doctor predicted her 8 year old daughter's final height to be around 5'2","
"Which wasn't tall enough to get cast as Belle at Disney World."
"That was the child's (and her mother's) only dream in life, apparently."
"Didn't appreciate my suggestion that she could be Minnie or Mickey."
"Lol!"
"Only a face character would do!"- TravelLovingMom
"Must Be Funny, In A Rich Man's World..."
"My boss from about a decade ago was this insanely rich dude who always went to the bank to get fresh and crisp currency."
"He'd call the bank in advance to make sure they had some on hand."
"I think he was a germaphobe."
"He had a trash can that he'd throw $1 and $5 bills in that he thought was 'dirty' and regularly just donated it vs spending it."
"I asked him why he did this and he said it was too much trouble and asked if I wanted it."
"I said f*ck yeah dumped it into my bag and when I got home it was close to $400 in singles and fives.
"Another time, he wanted to upgrade all the computers in his studio, so we went to a store and bought 10 PCs."
"They all had $150 mail in rebates and he wasn't bothered to go through the trouble of mailing them in."
"3 weeks later I received $1500 after spending a whole afternoon filling out all those goddamn forms."- azninvasion2000
Money Burn GIF by nog
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Who Wore It Better?
"When I was about 19 years old, I was at my boyfriends family BBQ."
"I was wearing this pretty floral sundress."
"His cousins girlfriend showed up in the same dress and she was SO mad that she went and changed."
"I will never understand being upset when someone is wearing the same thing as you.'
"Did you really think that your shirt you bought off the rack is going to be unique to you?"
"No."- mertsey627
Seeing Red! Or Blue In This Case...
"The blue of the balloons wasn't quite the same as the bridesmaid's sashes."
"Years ago my wife and I attended a wedding."
"It was very low key."
"The dinner was in the dining hall at the university where the couple met, cinder block walls and all."
"It was a Baptist wedding - no booze and very serious."
"The dark blue balloons attempting to liven up the hall were a slightly darker shade of blue than the sashes on the bridesmaid's dresses."
"The bride lost here sh*t and absolutely raved for nearly an hour."
"I can't remember how they finally managed to talk her down."- mechant_papa
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See You In Court!
"Rich neighbors who end up in expensive court battles because they disagree about where a tree can be planted or whether the color of a fence fits in with the street’s 'amenity'."
'These disputes get really heated and rack up huge lawyers’ bills."
"The most pathetic part is after the judgement when they are arguing about who should pay the other party’s costs."
"Lots of affidavits filed citing the 'emotional distress' they had to endure, or painting themselves as brave warriors who were forced to take a stand to fight for 'justice'."
"Also lots of pompous litigants insisting that the judge refer to them by their 'Dr' title."
"An absolutely insane dumpster fire of entitled rich people problems."- ElectrocRaisin
It's Always People With Money Who Don't Want To Pay!
"I work in a public library."
"People will get so so mad if they have to be put on a wait list for a book."
"A popular book that just came out."
"Ok our services are not only free but so are the books."
"You’re welcome, a**holes."- Switchbladekitten
A Warm Butt Is A Happy Butt!
"My own."
"We have a bidet toilet seat (Fabulous! Everyone should have one!) and not only does it wash your bum and blow dry it, but the seat's heated!"
"It's shocking how much a heated toilet seat makes the whole process more agreeable."
"Except: We had a power outage and I went to use the toilet and the seat was cold!"
"Unacceptable!"
"This shall not stand!"
"I was really upset because it didn't feel good."
"Then I stopped and thought: This is the most first-world problem anyone's ever had."
"I was really pissed because my heiny was tepid."
"I got over it."- DeathGrover
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Holy Matrimony!
"Weddings are a gold mine for this question."
"People get so hyped up over their 'most important day of their life'."
"They'll destroy friendships, go into debt, and have crazy expectations."
"It's not always the couple who go crazy, either."
"Sometimes, it's the parents or another family member who feels entitled to control the wedding."
"It's just a party."
"Be considerate of guests, have plenty of food and drinks, and enjoy it."- magicrowantree
When Fast Food Isn't Fast Enough...
"Having to pull off to the side to wait for a drive-thru order to be brought out to you because your food isn't ready and there's a line building up behind you."- demanbmore
In Case You Don't Think Customer Service Employees Are Undervalued...
"I was working the return desk at a Target next to a military base so I have so many stories."
"One of my favorites was a lady who had her baby shower before revealing the gender and was livid that she had received floral newborn diapers when she’s having a boy."
"It was a huge box of super expensive, all organic diapers, that we didn’t carry and therefore could not return."
"I cannot accurately express her fury and disgust."
"How dare either suggest her boy could wear feminine diapers."
"I suggested she donate them if she didn’t want to use them and she instead threw away the entire box."
"When she left we pulled it out and threw it in our donate bin."
"There have also been multiple times where mom’s order massive toys and when we bring them out to the car they get furious that they aren’t wrapped."
"We don’t offer wrapping services."
"Here’s the thing, if you don’t want your kids to see the toys you got them for Christmas or their bit to day DON'T BRING THE CHILD WHEN YOU PICK IT UP."
'I’ve had multiple women scream and curse me out that I had ruined their kids Christmas by bringing the toys they ordered out to the car like they requested."- clever-mermaid-mae
Customer Service Waiting GIF by Juno Calypso
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Happiest Place On Earth!
"I used to work for Disney."
"That in itself should tell you everything."
"However for fun I'll give you two specific stories one form our tech department and one from my wife who worked bookings."
"I specifically worked for their call center to help with technical issues with magic band and the website."
"Suddenly got worse huh?"
"A right of passage call everyone has at least one story of is the 'Dome call'."
"Basically there is a subset of Disney Guest (TM) that believes if it rains at Walt Disney world there is someone that will push a button to encapsulate the whole of Disney property in a dome to keep out the rain."
"I'm not kidding."
"If this button is not pushed they call our tech department to angrily ask why."
"My wife worked booking."
"Pretty much everything including Bibbidi Bobbidi boutique and Pirate's league."
"These two things did roughly the same thing difference being price and theme."
"BBB was expensive did more and was focused on princesses, pirates league did a bit less and focused on mermaids and pirates."
"Lady called up my wife, and got pissed about BBB being booked up (It goes FAAAAST)."
"Karen: 'Im going to give the phone to my daughter and I want you to tell her how you are ruining her vacation by not letting her do BBB'."
"Wife proceeds to explain how pirate's league is so much cooler and how she can be a mermaid or pirate and basically gets the kid to start demanding to their parents about how they want to be a mermaid instead of a princess."- trollsong
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The horror!
Being booked into a junior suite at Disney World instead of an executive suite!
It's almost as bad as having no money for groceries, or no food to feed you children...
Said absolutely no one.