Woman's Husband Looks Though Her Cell Every Time She Leaves The Room--And She Wants To Know How To Shut It Down
My husband(30M) and I(27F) have been married for a little over a year. I've always kept my phone password and fingerprint protected because I've hung out with IT people and seen the things they do to unlocked phones. So the locked phone isnt a new thing. I've never cheated and I've never given my husband any reason to think that I would. My daily routine is generally that I go to work then come home and hang out with him unless I go to class or hang out at my friend's house.
However, when I'm home, if I leave my phone unlocked and walk away from or turn my back to my phone he is on it. He's scrolling through my texts, pictures, emails, etc as quickly as he can before I come back or turn around.
If he sees a message from a number that I don't yet have saved to my phone he goes in and reads the conversation. When I catch him he always comes up with some reason "Oh, I was looking for that pic I sent you on Halloween." But then he'll ask about something he's seen in my phone "why do you have pictures of your feet?" I'll answer him honestly "After I get pedicures I take pictures of the designs I really like in case I want that same design again" and he'll drop the topic. Or he'll ask me about numbers that I dont have saved to my phone and who the person is and why I'm talking to them, I'll answer him but the behavior repeats.
When I bring up that I feel weird about him going through my phone he says that I shouldn't unless I have something to hide. I've explained to him that I dont have anything to hide but that my phone contains my private conversations with my friends and that it feels like an invasion of my privacy or like he's reading my diary. I've told him that I would gladly unlock my phone and go through it with him if it would stop this behavior but he refuses and says that I'm being paranoid about it and it's not a big deal. What are your thoughts on this situation?
rabid_floofball sought advice from Reddit on how she should handle her husband's snooping.
Submissions have been edited for clarity, context, and profanity.
It's pretty clear there is a lack of trust.
Your husband doesn't trust you at all and that's a huge red flag for your marriage. How do you even know if you have anything to hide when you don't know what he's looking for in the first place?
Your husband is being completely unreasonable and I'm not sure why you got married to someone who has shown they don't trust you.
This is something that has just started happening the past 2 months. It wasnt going on when we got married. I'm not sure what caused it. My behavior and routine haven't changed.
Well, something is going on in his life that has caused him to lose trust in you. I know you probably don't want to hear this next part, but a lot of times, his sudden lack of trust in you is him projecting on you because he's doing something untrustworthy himself. Has his behavior changed in any other ways recently? Has he started to spend more time at work or has there been a change in your sex life? I'd be concerned he's hiding something from you himself right now.
That's kind of what I thought too but as far as I can tell nothing has changed with him. He goes to work and then comes home. If he goes out he wants me to come with him. If I don't want to go he either doesn't go or he argues with me until I tell him that I need time alone and he should go with our friends. In those instances he'll send me pictures to show me what I'm missing out on. So I'm kind of at a loss for what it could be.
Consider counseling because hubby could be projecting.
He doesnt want to go through it with you because you could still 'hide something'. He is showing you and telling you that he does not trust you and no amount of compromise to ease his trust issues will make him trust you. Consider couples counseling to work through his insecurities together (although, logically, he shouldve gotten himself into solo therapy to change his insecurities himself, but).
If youre going to otherwise let this slide, youll just have to make sure your phone is always locked if it is not in your hand.
Thank you. I'm careful now about leaving my phone unlocked. I should have mentioned in the post that this is a new behavior for him in the past 2 months. I have no idea what caused the behavior change.
Be aware that it could be projection. He is doing something wrong, so he is trying to find you doing something wrong too to justify his wrong doings.
That's kind of what I thought too. I will note that when I'm texting with my friends he'll ask me about it i.e. who am I texting, what are we talking about, etc. I'm tell him who I'm talking to but will tell him that the content is none of his business as it's private and he'll drop the matter.
The only thing you can really do is try to talk to him about it and/or go to couples counseling together about this issue.
He's wrong to breach your privacy.
He is wrong. Everyone deserves privacy. I would never unlock my phone for someone to go through. It's not theirs. I don't care if I am calling my dentist for an appointment -- it's my private business.
He has issues with trust and you have issues with setting a boundary.
Don't accept being punished for having boundaries.
This is very problematic. You can just as easily turn his reasoning back on him - "Shouldn't you trust me enough as my partner not to snoop through my phone without permission? I don't do that to you."
It's a lack of respect on his part to invade your privacy, and beyond that it's even more worrying that he LIES to you about it. (Saying he was looking for pictures then asking about conversations.) You need to call him on this bullshit.
"Husband, you seem to feel the need to go through my phone and look through all my conversations to feel secure in our relationship. As you've seen multiple times, there's nothing worrying in there. Yet when I ask why you're doing this, you'll say you were just looking for a picture when I can clearly see you reading through all my messages. You'll even ask questions about them, all of which I've answered.
You have trust issues, yet by lying to me about your reasons, you're the one acting untrustworthy yourself. I don't appreciate you saying my very reasonable request to keep my private conversations private is 'paranoid,' when I've even offered to go through them with you. Yet more than the fact you're digging into my personal texts, it's upsetting to realize you don't trust me when I've given you absolutely no reason to think otherwise.
I know some part of you clearly feels guilty about this and knows it's wrong, because you attempt to hide your actions from me. How can we address this?"
There are plenty of reasons someone wouldn't want their partner going through their texts that aren't malicious. Maybe they're trying to plan a surprise for them. A friend discussed personal information that they didn't feel would be respectful to share with others. They wanted help bringing up a sensitive issue and didn't want to discuss it with their partner before working out their feelings and making sure they phrased it kindly. They shared they were feeling down about an unrelated issue with a friend and didn't want to burden their partner at the time.
He needs to respect your boundaries instead of blaming you for having them.
Lock your phone, obviously.
Be more careful about leaving your phone unlocked when he's around. Don't leave him any openings to snoop. A normal person in a good relationship who trusts you would have no issue with you keeping your phone locked, they wouldn't even notice you're doing it. If he brings it up and asks why you've been keeping your phone locked more than usual you will have strong evidence that HE is the one who is paranoid and has a problem.
Sounds like insecurity on his part, and that's not your fault.
He's insecure and lacks basic trust. Sometimes it comes from low self esteem and sometimes it comes from projecting his own suspicious behavior onto you or perhaps guilt from his own past. If I were you I would be interested to know which it is.
Lock your phone and see what happens if he can't access it.
He doesn't trust you and he's looking for dirt. Set your phone so it locks automatically after the shortest amount of time possible. See what happens after a few weeks of him not being able to look at anything in your phone at all.
Don't indulge his paranoia. If he asks about your phone, refuse to answer.
Completely stop answering his questions about anything on your phone. Responding to his suspicious queries will only serve to ensure that he'll continue to make them.
Tell him you're not going to respond anymore, and why, and that it's a hard boundary, not up for negotiation. Shut down any argument by changing the subject, and if that doesn't work, leave the room. Do not fight with him. Leave the home if he persists.
If that doesn't work and he's still suspicious, insist on counseling.
Ask to see his phone.
"I have nothing to hide and if you ask, I am happy to show you specifics. But I'm just not comfortable with you going through my phone; it's insulting. If you have concerns you need to tell me; because this is a new development, it's hurtful, and I've done nothing to deserve mistrust. What has changed? Because I want a marriage based on mutual trust."
Make it clear it isn't that you want to hide your phone from him; you'll show him specifics. It's his entitlement to your phone, the fact that it's new behavior, and is essentially disrespectful of your privacy and is insulting.
Get your hands on his phone too OP. Without warning. Casually in the conversation. "I'd like to see your phone as well." He will likely hand it over. Any hesitation, and this is projection.
Tell him to stop disrespecting you.
Don't leave your phone unlocked around him, his behavior is sh*tty and disrespectful. Tell him as much.
It's highly believed that it is important to learn history as a means to improve our future.
What is often overlooked is that what is taught in history class is going to be very different depending on where you went to school.
And this isn't just internationally, even different regions of the United states will likely have very different lessons on American history.
This frequently results in our learning fascinating, heartbreaking and horrifying historical facts which our middle or high school history teachers neglected to teach us.
Redditor Acherontia_atropos91 was curious to learn things people either wished they had learned, or believe they should have learned, in their school history class, leading them to ask:
What isn’t taught in history class but should be?
The Irish Troubles
"The troubles."
"Too many people in America do not understand why a wall straight through Ireland would be a BAD idea."
"I’m referring to the Brexit referendum and possible outcomes."
"If people were wondering why we were talking about walls through Ireland in the first place."- CLCVS.
Forgotten elements of World War II
"What the Japanese did to the Chinese during WW2."
"Unit 731."- CaptainMcBoogerJew.
"Japan gets off easy for their war crimes in WW2."
"They killed an estimated 16mil Chinese civilians and another 8mil soldiers"
"Also, Pol Pot."
"Didn't know who he was until I was like 25."
"Worst dictator all time (in terms of percentage of population he decimated)".
The truth about the American Revolution
"That the American Revolution was part of a wider cold war type of conflict with France."
"The American Revolution was basically the UK's equivalent of the US version of Vietnam."- vinsant7.
The Dark side of Swedish history.
"As a Swede, I'd like to know more of all the horrible sh*t my country has done throughout history."
"It's a damn shame we're trying to hide our history."
"For example, Swedes killed a metric sh*t ton of all Polish people when we were at our strongest."
"That's the kinda sh*t we don't get to learn."- mogwandayy.
Colonization
"Basically what Belgium did to the Congo."
"A lot of people are telling me that they are taught about this actually."
"I'm glad to hear it because I wasn't taught about this in the USA during my public school days (1995-2008)."- EconArch.
The truth about "heroes".
"While teaching about historical Heroes they should also tell students about the unspeakable things some of them did."
"Many famous figures throughout history who are pillars of morality actually did many terrible things." - User Deleted
Intolerance for Mental Illness
"The dark history of mental illness treatments."
"I think it's worth learning about."- 7dayexcerpt.
Slavic Mythology
"Slavic mythology in Slavic countries."
"Don't get me wrong, I love both Greek & Roman mythology and as a person from the Balkans both of those cultures are part of my country's history and had great influence over not only my region but the entirety of the continent & the western world but I wouldn't mind knowing more about Slavic mythology as well."- ShorsShezzarine.
The truth about the CIA
"How the CIA was made and all the shady things they did over the years."- ALargeChip.
There is a lot about the history of our world, not to mention our own country which shouldn't be ignored.
And it's from learning from our mistakes that we really improve our future.
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So apparently we are in the endemic phase of this nonsense.
We have light at the end of the tunnel.
So what now?
Where do we go from here?
Normal seems like an outdated word.
How do we get back to normal though?
Is it even possible?
What are reaching back to?
Life pre-Covid.
Those were the days.
If only we could bring them back.
Redditor hetravelingsong wanted to discuss our new normal in this hopeful "endemic" phase. So they asked:
"What’s something random you miss about pre-COVID times?"
I miss people being sane. Though that maybe election cycle issues not COVID. We'll never know.
I thought I was Alone...
"Being able to grocery shop after 11 pm."
Reading_Rainboner
"Hell yes. I miss the days where the Walmart across the street was open 24 hours."
Small_Tax_9432
let's just go...
"I miss spontaneity... everything now seems to have a barrier of difficulty."
iidosee
"I live very close to Disneyland so I have an annual pass. My friends and I would just go there after work and hang out and grab a bite to eat."
"Now, we have to reserve a day to go. And most of the time, the days are at 'full' capacity so we couldn't even reserve. I don't want to schedule to hang out at Disneyland for a couple hours for July. So yeah, I definitely miss the 'lets go eat at Disneyland tonight?' texts."
mymymissmai
Not til 24-25
"Functioning global supply chains. Ah, the product you want has got microchips in it? 9 month wait."
richard-king
"Minimum, I'd been saying for a while now that I wouldn't expect a true return to normalcy in terms of electronics prices till 2024-2025. Although Crypto crashing through the floor really took some of the pressure off graphics cards which I really appreciate."
statiiic
WTF?!?!
"How affordable everything was!"
Disastrous_Hour_6776
"Yep. Today I was bagging up my things at the grocery store and I heard the cashier say to the lady behind me 'thats $78.12.' She had -- 2 boxes of Kellogg's corn flakes, a carton of 12 eggs, milk, strawberries, raspberries, blue berries, a small cheese cake, English muffins, coffee, and a small whole frozen chicken that could maybe feed 3 people if the meat portioning was small."
SnowyInuk
Sushi
"My favorite sushi place. It was good quality, close by, kid-friendly, and not too expensive."
InannasPocket
All of this... it was a simpler time.
NASTY
"As a retail worker, just how f**king NASTY some people have gotten."
DmitriPetrov*itch
"They applauded you for being an essential worker but won’t vote for policies that’ll raise minimum wage while insisting a wage cap for heavily paid employees."
sketchysketchist
CHANGES your DNA...
"Some of the people closest to me became very bitter and petty over the last 2 years. So many people have the 'crazy eyes' now."
__--__7
"So true and holidays with the family is like who has the biggest tinfoil hat building contest. How many jumps does your brain have to go through to think that the Covid vaccine CHANGES your DNA into the patented DNA so that the government now controls your body."
"So like vaccinated people now have a singular DNA set. I feel like I still have a chunk of my brain just broken off due to that comment alone. I was also told by same family member that I could never donate blood again due to the vaccine. I guess it is so my patented DNA doesn't affect people?? FYI my vaccinated butt just donated today fine and multiple other times after the vaccine."
tyreka13
Homeward Bound
"House prices."
adrianinked
"I'm resigned to never thinking I have a chance on owning property where I live. I'm 30 and just can't imagine it anymore. And I don't want to live anywhere else so, whatever."
Osdab2daf
"That didn’t happen because of the pandemic. That was already happening regardless."
CH11DW
Oh Mickey
"All Day Breakfast at McDonalds."
hutch2522
"It was honestly hell to do, and not very popular. ITs margins aren't anywhere dinner and lunch specials. ON top of that, the temperatures are such that They require its own grill, meaning that if you have 2 grills in shop, you are down 50% of lunch capacity."
Freyas_Follower
Way back when...
"Hanging out with friends. And I mean waaaaaay before Covid. Like 2006 back when I had some friends."
LoocsinatasYT
I miss the old days. Maybe we'll get back there.
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What do you believe?
Is there a GOD in the sky?
Is he guiding us and helping us?
Life is really hard. Why is that is a big entity is up there loving us?
Atheists have taken a lot of heat for what feels like shunning GOD.
What if they've been right all along?
Maybe let's take a listen and see what they really think.
Redditor __Jacob______ wanted to hear from the people who don't really believe all that "God" stuff. They asked:
"Atheists, what do you believe in?"
I'm waffling between G-O-D and nothing. So please give me some education.
911
"We need to look out for each other because help isn't coming."
cknipe
Peace Out
"More than 2 decades ago, a priest was giving a sermon in my church and he said 'our faith requires you to believe without question. Why call it faith if you have to ask questions?' I haven't returned to church. Not until my wedding day but you know what I mean."
asiangontear
Delusion
"When I was young I used to think that after death you would have access to a PC that you could see absolutely anything about your life. Stats, any question you had no matter how obscure, replays of moments, perspectives of others in relation to you. No matter what you wanted to know, if it was relatable to you, you could see it. I know it's silly, but as time goes on I just want it to be real, and I don't think I'd have any issue allowing myself to fall into that delusion."
eggwardpenisglands
I think nothing happens...
"Realistically, I think nothing happens. We literally experience nothing after death. Same thing that we experience before birth. We don't exist, so it's nothing. I think the tenant that we should follow while living is to try to be happy and healthy while minimizing the damage we do to each other."
"What I would LIKE to happen after death is whatever you believe in, exists. I think Christians should get to go to heaven if they truly believe in it, Hindus and Buddhists get reincarnated, and everyone else also gets to experience what they believe they will experience."
"'I would still experience Nothing. Maybe it's one of those things where at the moment of death their brain makes them experience what feels like an infinitely long moment in time where they experience their afterlife. I just think it would be neat for everybody."
Better_Meat_
Shrug
"Best advice I received from a dear senior on their way out. 'You win some, you lose some' shrug. Nothing divine, life is that simple and wonderful, accept it and move on."
Tune_Kindly
It all sounds pretty simple. Why are people so up in arms about Atheists?
Whatever
"I believe in a universe that doesn't care, and people that do."
imCIK
Cool with Empty
"Nothing. [Serious]."
rumblingtummy29
"I feel this way about death. When I was 5, my grandfather died and my cousin simple said, he is dead, that means you are gone forever. Everything ends up dying, even plants and animals. I'm now in my 40's and still have this simplistic view of life and death. People think I'm ambivalent to life and death but it's just what it is."
thepigfish82
puppet-masters...
"I think a lot of religious people struggle with the fact that we are all just swirling units of chaos. There is no grand plan or great orchestrator. I think that’s why people who are prone to religion are also susceptible to things like Q anon and the Cabal and all that. They REALLY want to believe that there is some almighty puppet-master who determines all of humanity’s fate."
Lngtmelrker
“we’re living in a society!”
"Just be a kind and empathetic person not because you’re worried about some cosmic justice, but because it’s the right thing to do. If there is some being that created us there’s no way they actually care about believing in it or adhering to some rules from over 2000 years ago."
"Also a big thing for me is that I find the idea that you need religion or the Bible in order to have morals and ethics pretty dumb. It’s pretty f**king clear that most evangelicals have neither. But my main thing is being a good person simply because, as George Costanza once said we’re living in a society!' If you’re only a good person in order to make it to heaven you probably aren’t actually a good and moral person."
conservative_genius
That's All
"You're born. You live. You die. That's it. After you die you cease to exist, the same as before you were born."
serefina
Believe what you want. We're all here together. So let's focus there.
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The list of what irritates me is endless.
I mean... breathing too loud or dust can set me off.
I'm a bit unstable, yes.
But I'm not alone.
So let's discuss.
Redditor Aburntbagel6 wanted to hear about all the times many of us just couldn't control our disdain. They asked:
"What never fails to piss you off?"
I feel like this article can go on forever. Let's get some highlights.
Wasted Time
"Meetings that could and should have been an email."
Sirena609
Lotto People
"Getting stuck behind people playing the lottery at a corner store."
thenuggetlover
"I also used to work in a gas station and you’re SO right. I f**king hated the lottery people. Especially since my store had a small staff and there was usually only one of us working at a time, which meant that I couldn’t get any of my other work done as long as they were there."
"And you’re right, it’s also pretty sad to watch. I had one lady who used to come in every day and spent hundreds and HUNDREDS of dollars on scratch tickets. One day, she won $200 after spending probably around $600 and she was so excited and saying she can 'finally pay her bills.'"
i-am-your-god-now
Aware...
"No situational awareness. Job, home, shopping, driving. Think for one minute and go about. OBSERVE!!"
Dizzy-Foundation8122
"My mom is one of those people who leave the shopping cart in the middle of the damn aisle and proceed to walk twenty feet away. After correcting her a million times to no effect I just walk away now so people don’t know I’m with her."
OutrageousEvent
Shut Up!
"Endless barking in the middle of the night, I love animals but that sh*t I can't stand."
Acceptable-Lemon2924
"Endless barking in general drives me up a wall. One of my friends dogs was barking almost an entire gaming session the other day. I wanted to reach through the computer and smack him for letting it go on."
bangersnmash13
Kindness
"People being mean to service workers, especially if the workers are very young."'
scaryboilednoodles
All of these things. I hate them all.
Admit It
"People who never accept fault when they mess something up. Like, why blame a million people when it was clearly you who did it???"
Quirky-Area-8978
From Above
"My upstairs neighbors."
lutzow89
"I had terrible neighbors at my previous apartment. It was a one person studio for students, but her boyfriend was clearly living with her illegally and he was loud."
"One night we knocked n the door at 3 AM because of the loud music and an unknown girl opened the door. I just thought they were having a little party. But the next door I saw the girl living there come home with a suitcase after having been away for the weekend... Her BF was cheating on her in her own apartment."
Th3_Accountant
Move Away
"People who sit directly next to me at the airport, movie theater, any other place where you can choose a seat when there is PLENTY of other seating."
BacardiPardy33
"I can’t YES this enough and the ones who can’t park for crap so they park so close you can’t open doors on one side of the car or the ones who park directly behind when you pulled through so the door won’t open to load groceries."
BacardiPardy33
It's Over
"People who try to restart old drama. Like I'm done with you, just leave me alone."
Tired_Potatos
"Yep, half the reason I've basically quit playing one of my favorite online video games. People keep bringing old crap up or sh*tting on on someone who used to be our friend. I got tired of it so I just ejected the game out of me."
CaucasianHumus
AHHHHH!!!
"People walking too slow in front of me with no way to get around them. It’s even worse if it’s a couple or group taking up the whole sidewalk. HAVE SOME SPATIAL AWARENESS FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!"
_-v0x-_
Life in general pisses me off. I'm easy.
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