Watching a loved one, in this case a spouse, struggle with addiction is hard enough. But what happens when they go off to rehab and fall for a fellow patient? After four years of marriage and a kid, OP's wife has all but run off with her new companion, leaving her family behind and her husband to pick up the pieces.
Should he let his wife go? Is it best to simply cut ties and move on?
Below is cOgorilla2020's story.
My wife is in rehab for heroin, 2000 miles away. We've been married for 4 years in October, and have one son. I don't have any drug problems, I drink socially at most. But since she's been in rehab, our relationship has been struggling. She's been gone for around 45 days now, and the distance is killing us. In the last 2 weeks, she admitted to have feelings for someone (a guy who's in rehab). I asked her to cut ties (delete him off of Facebook, stop hanging out around him) because she is married with a family and getting involved with anyone would be a rash decision, especially an ex-convict with a history of meth use. I've never worried about her being unfaithful until now. When I first asked her to cut ties she agreed and said she wasn't thinking when she let herself get feelings for him, and that she wants to come home to her family after she completes this program. That was 3 days ago, and she now refuses to cut ties and even has posted a few selfies with him and hearts all of his pictures on Facebook. When I confronted her about it, she called me immature and insecure. So yesterday I told her that I can't do this anymore, that her not keeping her word or respecting me or boundaries in general is more then I can handle and want a divorce. I was willing to forgive her and support her through her addiction, but I'm not willing to wait around while she messes around in California. She's making me feel like she just wants to keep me around so she'll have somewhere to come back to, and someone to send her money. Her family has since disowned her, not willing to help her at all. Am I over-reacting? I don't feel like I am, but I'm also an emotional wreck since she left.
TL/DR: wife turned out to be a junkie, went to rehab, caught feelings for a meth junkie from another state and can't respect boundaries or my feelings. Now I can't figure out if I'm over-reacting.
For the kid's sake, move on.
Giphy
Dude...come on. It's time to leave. For you and for your kid's sake.
OP said his wife isn't trying to get better, so "in sickness" no longer applies.
Giphy
Well written. That's precisely what's happening. It's very sad, but she will absolutely just use you at this point. I hope she comes around in the future and can be a positive role model for your son, but that's not happening any time soon; it seems clear she will get works before she gets better. Good luck to you and your kid!
And promising to "love" someone in sickness doesn't have to mean staying married to them.
Giphy
People forget that you can love a person who is sick, but there's nothing in the vows demanding you stay married to them...
And even if she does get better, he owes it to himself to be happy.
Giphy
Also, if she does actually get better and break the addiction, years down the road or whatever, remember that you won't owe it to her to get back with her. You don't have to wait. You can build your own life. When she is ready, support her growth in her relationship with her son. That's all you can do.
Of course, being unfaithful isn't a sickness, it's a choice.
Giphy
Well, that's kind of the point of putting it in the marriage vow, the whole point is you're supposed to stay married to someone who is sick. I don't think f*cking a guy you met at rehab really qualifies as "sick" though.
One person advised caution when filing for divorce.
Giphy
I'd be concerned about her doing something stupid if she weren't monitored while she's processing the prospect of divorce. Either relapsing or overdosing.
And to remember that divorce is not because of addiction, but because of disloyalty.
Giphy
It's not her sickness, though. You are loving her through her illness, you're drawing the line at how she's disrespecting your relationship.
You tried - but don't enable selfish behavior.
Giphy
She's abandoned the relationship and is planning on being unfaithful, if not already there.
You did what you could and your support is not helping her anymore. It's just enabling more selfish behavior.
Just get out while you can.
Giphy
OP, immediately filing for divorce and cutting all contact with this woman wouldn't be considered overreacting in this situation. What you're doing is being a doormat. Get away from her as fast as you can.
Hopefully, it all goes smoothly.
Giphy
Yea, this is gonna be one of the easier divorces your lawyer has to work on.
Good luck, and look after yourself and your kid.
"What is a subtle sign that someone is really intelligent?"
The minds of really smart individuals never stop working.
Resourcefulness
"They draw wisdom from multiple sources. Wait but that might be more wise than intelligent... But I guess those two tend to be seen together a lot."
– Puzzlehead-Engineer
Inquisitive Minds
"They are curious about everything."
"To be intelligent you need to be knowledgeable and you cant be knowledgeable if you are never curious."
– soup54461
The way highly intelligent people interact with others is slightly different.
Social Adaptability
"They can switch up the way they talk to match the person they're talking to without sounding condescending. They listen to how others learn and explain it in that person's language of understanding."
– Wynonna99
Talking On Level Ground
"Talking to people as if they're intelligent at their level and without being condescending or even letting on that it's lower than their level."
"I used to work with a doctor - Tom Howard - and the day I realized he was a genius was the time he guessed every single condition a patient of mine had based on minute pieces of information about him."
– Yoodei_Mon
The Humble Professor
"No joke. The smartest professor I had in engineering school was also the most humble. She was an astounding human being. By week 2, she knew everyone's names by heart in the intro engineering course. In College. With like 180 students. Later, in upper division classes, people would occasionally ask some really stupid questions."
"Like, it happens... you get so deep into some fluid mechanics derivation or something you forget something really basic. People would ask a question like this and everyone would be thinking like; 'Wow, how did you even make it this far?' but then... it's like she would spot the flaw in their understanding so perfectly, and then respond with such clarity and wisdom that the person asking the question would look less stupid and the whole class would be enlightened."
"And here's the thing... I pride myself on being really good at that exact skill. I tutored a lot of people. I was easily one of the brightest amongst my peers. But that woman was on another level. It was mind-blowing."
"And it wasn't just her intelligence, but her organizational skills, discipline, consistency.... And yet... she was so humble. She was quiet and physically quite small. But she just exuded competence and immediately commanded every room she walked into. I've never seen anything quite like it."
– EngineeringNeverEnds
A Positive Effect
"When they explain something they make you feel intelligent."
– gwoshmi
When In Doubt
"They know when their knowledge ends and say something to the extent of 'I don't know and anything else i say on this topic is ignorant speculation.'"
–blutoboy
Some with impressive IQs may deal with questions in the following ways.
Reaction To Delayed Responses
"'You really think about everything don't you?' - a doctor, to me, after he asked me a question and I took longer than 2 seconds to answer it."
"No, I just pull something out of my ass every time and those extra seconds you waited for me to answer were purely to irritate you for my own enjoyment."
– Imakegoatnoises
The Really Good Questions
"They can ask really good questions."
"Edit: to anyone not understanding what mean, I’m talking about people who ask 'really good questions,' not just any questions, really good ones. I don’t know how one would achieve this skill(I know I haven’t)."
– milkmanbran
Taking Pause
"They spend time thinking before asking a question."
– ParkMan73
"Some of the smartest people don’t comment at all."
– metric-poet
I agree with many of the comments saying a really intelligent person knows how to cater the conversation towards another person's level of understanding.
They do have the impressive skill to convey something in a way that can easily be understood. Some of the most venerated professors at my university were like this, and their classes were always the hardest to get in to.
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I'm on the fence about high school. I want to hate it, but nostalgia haunts me. I saw a lot of violence, there is that.
We were on CNN.
don lemon nodding GIF by Red Table TalkGiphy"They started charging us for ketchup in the cafeteria. Most of the school boycotted cafeteria lunch and brought all manner of condiments from home. We were on CNN. They eventually caved." ~ Ash3Monti
No one liked him.
"I was big into drama club and musical theatre when I was in high school. There was a girl in the drama club in her freshmen or sophomore year who was super nice and everyone loved her. Her older brother on the the other hand, was a complete and total douchebag. No one liked him."
"He always made inappropriate comments or jokes and no one liked to be around him. One night, he was driving him and his sister back from school when he took a steep curve going around 100 mph. He lost control and hit a telephone pole. His sister died instantly and he was in a coma for a few weeks but ultimately survived."
"Myself and my friends in the drama club were devastated. She was one of the sweetest girls you'll ever met and we all loved her. A year or two later, the brother messages my sister and tries to use his sister's death as leverage to get laid. F**k you, you piece of crap." ~ FearTheKeflex
Bribes
"Guidance counselor was taking bribes to change grades (Both money and sexual favors). Invited one male student over to his house. Had the student tie him up and hang him by chains in his basement "dungeon." Student was homophobic and while the counselor was tied up, bludgeoned him to death." ~ monthos
H2O Issues...
"This is not that extreme, but it's still disgusting. We have drinking water taps instead of fountains. One parent was suspicious of whether they were cleaning the tanks or not. So they made an announcement that the tank was being cleaned every single day."
"A lot of us didn't believe it, so a group of boys decided to see for themselves if it was true or not. So they put a dead frog in the tank when there was no one around. I don't even know where they found the frog but they swear they didn't kill it. Anyway the frog was there for a few weeks. And obviously the water started tasting weird."
"After the teachers got multiple complaints, they opened the tank and found the frog. The boys were punished, but they fired back with the fact that they lied about cleaning the tanks. They were still punished, because they proved it in a disgusting way. They could've put literally anything in the tank, but they chose a dead frog." ~ R00mTemperature
The Quad
Acds2 Look Away GIF by Anime Crimes DivisionGiphy"A worker doing stuff on the roof. He fell off. Landed in the 'quad' at lunch. A large piece of machinery fell and squished his head. Like a cartoon, only funny. Like 150 Kids saw this." ~ LordInventus
Threats
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“it’s gonna blow”
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Go Fish
"Someone somehow made a bomb threat on a Swedish fish candy. Like one single piece. I don’t know how it happened but he got arrested." ~ ts_13_
Masternid
"A couple weeks before graduation, this kid hacked into the school system and put a Hitler quote and a Boston bomber reference in the senior quotes for the yearbook. One of the affected parties was a trans girl, and we're still not sure if it was a targeted act because of that."
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Season 3 What GIF by On My Block"Apparently one student brought drugs to school and was selling it to her friends. A completely unrelated student caught on and stole the drugs while everyone else was in class. She was caught snorting the drugs in the bathroom by the group selling the drugs and got the crap beat out of her."
"We also had a recently graduated student murder his parents for insurance money . He hid the bodies in a chicken coop and told everybody they were on vacation. It wasn't until 7 months later the bodies were found by the landlord because the rent was late." ~ randomgenericcow
Enjoy high school, at least try too. Maybe if more kids do that, it wouldn't be so insane.
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