Watching a loved one, in this case a spouse, struggle with addiction is hard enough. But what happens when they go off to rehab and fall for a fellow patient? After four years of marriage and a kid, OP's wife has all but run off with her new companion, leaving her family behind and her husband to pick up the pieces.
Should he let his wife go? Is it best to simply cut ties and move on?
Below is cOgorilla2020's story.
My wife is in rehab for heroin, 2000 miles away. We've been married for 4 years in October, and have one son. I don't have any drug problems, I drink socially at most. But since she's been in rehab, our relationship has been struggling. She's been gone for around 45 days now, and the distance is killing us. In the last 2 weeks, she admitted to have feelings for someone (a guy who's in rehab). I asked her to cut ties (delete him off of Facebook, stop hanging out around him) because she is married with a family and getting involved with anyone would be a rash decision, especially an ex-convict with a history of meth use. I've never worried about her being unfaithful until now. When I first asked her to cut ties she agreed and said she wasn't thinking when she let herself get feelings for him, and that she wants to come home to her family after she completes this program. That was 3 days ago, and she now refuses to cut ties and even has posted a few selfies with him and hearts all of his pictures on Facebook. When I confronted her about it, she called me immature and insecure. So yesterday I told her that I can't do this anymore, that her not keeping her word or respecting me or boundaries in general is more then I can handle and want a divorce. I was willing to forgive her and support her through her addiction, but I'm not willing to wait around while she messes around in California. She's making me feel like she just wants to keep me around so she'll have somewhere to come back to, and someone to send her money. Her family has since disowned her, not willing to help her at all. Am I over-reacting? I don't feel like I am, but I'm also an emotional wreck since she left.
TL/DR: wife turned out to be a junkie, went to rehab, caught feelings for a meth junkie from another state and can't respect boundaries or my feelings. Now I can't figure out if I'm over-reacting.
For the kid's sake, move on.Giphy
Dude...come on. It's time to leave. For you and for your kid's sake.
OP said his wife isn't trying to get better, so "in sickness" no longer applies.Giphy
Well written. That's precisely what's happening. It's very sad, but she will absolutely just use you at this point. I hope she comes around in the future and can be a positive role model for your son, but that's not happening any time soon; it seems clear she will get works before she gets better. Good luck to you and your kid!
And promising to "love" someone in sickness doesn't have to mean staying married to them.Giphy
People forget that you can love a person who is sick, but there's nothing in the vows demanding you stay married to them...
And even if she does get better, he owes it to himself to be happy.Giphy
Also, if she does actually get better and break the addiction, years down the road or whatever, remember that you won't owe it to her to get back with her. You don't have to wait. You can build your own life. When she is ready, support her growth in her relationship with her son. That's all you can do.
Of course, being unfaithful isn't a sickness, it's a choice.Giphy
Well, that's kind of the point of putting it in the marriage vow, the whole point is you're supposed to stay married to someone who is sick. I don't think f*cking a guy you met at rehab really qualifies as "sick" though.
One person advised caution when filing for divorce.Giphy
I'd be concerned about her doing something stupid if she weren't monitored while she's processing the prospect of divorce. Either relapsing or overdosing.
And to remember that divorce is not because of addiction, but because of disloyalty.Giphy
It's not her sickness, though. You are loving her through her illness, you're drawing the line at how she's disrespecting your relationship.
You tried - but don't enable selfish behavior.Giphy
She's abandoned the relationship and is planning on being unfaithful, if not already there.
You did what you could and your support is not helping her anymore. It's just enabling more selfish behavior.
Just get out while you can.Giphy
OP, immediately filing for divorce and cutting all contact with this woman wouldn't be considered overreacting in this situation. What you're doing is being a doormat. Get away from her as fast as you can.
Hopefully, it all goes smoothly.Giphy
Yea, this is gonna be one of the easier divorces your lawyer has to work on.
Good luck, and look after yourself and your kid.