Listen, we've all had those brain fart moments where we do something so astronomically stupid that we wonder how we have survived as long as we have and if maybe we should have a chaperone since we clearly can't be trusted with out own well-being. No shame. No shade. Deep down inside, we are all really really dumb. Really.
So let's stop lying about it. Let's just put it all out there and talk about it. I'll go first. Hi, my name is Erica and I am a raging moron sometimes. So are these people.
Mad Respect
Once I didn't feel like I could keep going with my job (I didn't feel comfortable there), I said f*ck this and yelled at my manager. Thing is I needed the job; family was going through a rough time.
Next day I showed up and my manager ringed me up, he told me he understood my frustration and recommended meditation, told me not to lash out on him again like that.
I still left a few months later, but I still feel mad respect for the guy after that.
- alymassa
The Flood
Basement flooded, 4' of water.
A humidifier (ironic) was on, plugged in, and making weird noises because it was submerged in water.
My barely awake brain went "must unplug that" and I waded through the 4' of water to unplug it.
I lived, yay.
Gross Gravy
Giphy
I was opening a can of food for my cat, and some of the gravy got on my finger. My brain went on autopilot and I licked my finger clean. I regretted it immediately.
Cartoon Slide
When I was 10 I was on vacation and wanted to show off and run into a window and then slide down like those characters in cartoons do. I hit the window and it broke so I walked to the back of the building I broke the window of and I told the people I was running and didn't see the window. I wonder if they bought that.
Phones Are Fun
My boyfriend left his phone at my apartment so I texted him to let him know.
I cracked my screen and took a screenshot to send to the dude I was dating. He responded: "Did you really just try to send me a screenshot of your cracked screen?!"
Yeah, extra dumb.
Call The Locksmith
My daughter, who was five at the time, went into our (my wife and I's) bathroom and managed to lock herself in (the lock on the door is weird and problematic). She couldn't get out, so I had to call a locksmith. It took him a solid two hours to get her out of there. He finally gets it open, but at this point we're late for our dinner reservation with my wife's family, so we agree he'll come by later in the week to fix the lock. He tells me very clearly "Don't shut this door until I fix it. If you do, this will happen again." (I'm sure you can all guess where this is headed, and you're right).
The next day, home alone, I walk in there to take a leak and reflexively shut the door behind me. I spent about half an hour trying to get out before I finally called the locksmith. That convo went like this:
"Hey, uh, you were over at my place yesterday."
"Oh yeah, yeah, I remember! You're calling to schedule the follow-up?"
"Well actually, uh...it happened again. I'm stuck in the bathroom right now."
five second pause
"Are you serious?"
Guy was a real professional. Never before or since have I heard such polite astonishment packed into a three word question. He came over again, but obviously he had to charge us for it. Possibly the most expensive way I've ever embarrassed myself.
Out Of The Frying Pan...
Dropped something into a deep fryer that was at cooking temperature - and then proceeded to reach in and grab it. Definitely not my brightest moment...
Had a thin glove on so could have been worse but had blisters on my fingers and hand for a while after.
Alcohol Poisoning
13 different types of alcohol in a matter of 3 hours. I was 21, had alcohol poisoning for 2 days. Surprised I didn't die. I dry heaved for over 24 hours. Think food poisoning, mixed with vertigo, and the flu. I legit thought I was going to die.
Spiderman
Giphy
Back in college...I leave my third story apt to go play basketball with a friend and see my crush on the phone down on the first floor (outside). As I get to the second story I decide to throw the ball down and try to scare her. It doesn't work and she catches it on the first bounce.
That's when MY DUMBASS JUMPED OFF THE SECOND STORY in a pair of chuck converse sneakers like I was Spiderman.
I land flat footed and shattered both my heels and several bones in my feet. I was relegated to a pair of crutches which really sucked going up 3 stories everyday. Turns out me crawling into her apartment in searing pain didn't totally turn her off as that was 15 years ago and we've been married for 10 now. Till this day I think..."why tf did I do that?"
The Tree
One time I was driving and I hit a tree. Not on the side of the road but in the middle. It was a clear, regular day. I could see the fallen tree from a distance. I definitely didn't want to hit the tree.
I'm still not sure how or why I did that.
My parents had me take a defensive driving course when I was just learning how to drive (not at all related to any of the required driving courses), and the big lesson that stuck with me from that course was "Look where you want to go".
Instinctively, drivers will end up turning the steering wheel towards whatever it is they're looking at. So probably in your situation, you were so focused on not hitting the tree, that you focused your eyes on the tree, so you instinctively and accidentally turned your car's wheel toward the tree, so you hit the tree.
- Ldfzm
Dustbusted
My friend and I found an old dustbuster in his parents' garage, when we were in middle school. We were taking it apart and got to the battery pack with two wires coming out of it. I said we should each touch one of the wires to our tongues, then touch our fingers and see if we got a shock. My friend rejected my offer. So I put both wires on my tongue...
My body literally lifted off the ground like a cartoon character getting electrocuted. I think my legs straightened out instantly from a spasm or something, I'm not really sure what happened, but I jumped probably 6-12 inches off the ground and felt an intense shock throughput my entire body. First and last time I have been legit electrocuted. When I landed the thing dropped on the ground and the pain stopped, but I was stunned for a moment.
Looking back i have no idea what compelled me to do that. I guess I thought the battery was dead or something, and wouldn't have any effect. I probably could have died, not sure, but I stay the fuck away from electrical currents now.
- e__west
Box Cutter
I looked at a box cutter and thought, hmm this doesn't look that sharp.. So I proceeded to press it on my thumb... Well, it was sharp enough to cut my thumb at least 😂
- arnit10
Hug
I accidentally hugged a random guy in a restaurant. I thought he was my older brother who I was really close with at the time. Turns out he was a 50 something year old man who wasn't even the same race as me and my brother. I just judged by his coat that looked like my brother. He was laughing a lot, and a lot of people looked concerned. That was 2 years ago, and I still regret it. Hope that the random hug brightened up his day a bit though.
Mean Girls
Giphy
6th grade graduation ceremony. They were giving an award to some lady,for helping the school or something.
I was thinking about that scene from Mean Girls that spawned the infamous like "She doesn't even go here!"
I don't know wtf happened, but I SAID IT INSTEAD OF JUST THOUGHT ABOUT IT.
Everyone turned around. I did too trying to cover up that it was me.
Zapped
I was eating something saucy and a bit spilled on the end of my laptop's charging cable. I licked it off without thinking and zapped myself.
Checking My Theory
I had to be 12 or so when I did this. I was walking towards a road with a friend to cross it. A car was coming down the road.
My mind went "The car is fast enough that if it arrives at the point where I'm crossing over before I'm there, I don't need to slow down. Win time!"
I don't really know why it was important, but it was during my period where I was tried to be right about everything. Anyway, it seemed like it would be a very very close call, but my brain didn't stop so neither did my body.
I wanted to check my theory. Almost died.
- Lawnio
Platform 9 1/2
I am in my 20's now and when Harry Potter first came out I was very young. I was a huge fan. Well I guess one day I got carried away because I ran into a wall at a train station like you have to to get on the train to Hogwarts. In front of my entire family. I hit the wall so hard that I got a bloody nose.
Transphobic Humor
Most recent one was in my Cultural Anthropology class. We were on the topic of sexuality and gender, specifically trans individuals. The professor said that the term "transsexual" is offensive to some. So, thinking it would be funny, I asked, "Well what do you call them? Penis-enabled?"
Nobody thought it was funny and I came off as transphobic in a class full of easily offended people. Right before this I was working with an actively transitioning coworker, she's so funny and we talk like old friends about whatever. I told her about that later and she laughed her ass off, but the whole class took it so seriously.
Also we were looking at illustrated representations of ambiguous genitalia. I thought it would be funny to say "oh so it's a typical ~current day of the week~ for me..."
It was not funny. I dunno wtf is wrong with me.
- AyyAway
Pancakes
Giphy
Well I mistakenly added salt to flour when making pancakes this morning. Instead of throwing it all out and starting over I tried to "save" it by adding double the sugar.
It was shit.
You don't have to stick with mistakes.
In other states, you and your ladies can live a more peaceful life. Here in Florida, it's A Song of Sweat And Fire Ants.
Ever get tiny little jellyfish stuck under your side-boob? Happens here all the time.
Bikinis should come with a "Sand Lice, Your Titty Crease, And You" informational pamphlet.
Wanna jog? Hope you accounted for the fact that the air is soup and will chafe and cauterize your nipples.
Know what limits your field of vision, making you more likely to accidentally step on a snake and/or gator? Boobs.
Know what slows you down as you try to escape the angry reptile from the above paragraph? Also boobs.
Reddit user Saibotnl1 asked:
"What's the most negative thing about having boobs?"
Now take all this stuff they said sucked, and then put it inside of a steam oven filled with mosquitos. That's Florida.
And Florida is incompatibile with breasts.
Cardio Is Hardio
GIF by VIASWEATGiphy"I love them but running can be a nuisance even in a good sports bra."
- [Reddit]
"When I go to work, there is a woman that usually runs on the shoulder of the road. I gasp at how much her boobs bounce. Isn't that doing damage to tissue? Painful?"
- notanotherbreach
"Yes! I literally always hold mine when going up/down stairs so they dont bounce. Running is uncomfortable even with a good bra :/ "
- k_g94
"If it's a sports bra that holds you, it's so tight that it's impossible to get into or out of without a whole team of people like a pit crew."
"If you can comfortably get into it, it won't hold the girls for long."
"Cardio is just not worth all this."
-[Reddit]
"As a kid I wasn't fit enough for jump rope, but now that I'm older and have the big boobies it feels even more impossible to ever indulge in."
- PoiLethe
Literally In The Way
"They get in the way!!"
"Lately I've been getting frustrated with exercise. My personal trainer will say to hold something a certain way and I'll try but it's so uncomfortable because my boobs are completely in the way."
"She has small boobs so she doesn't account for them being in that space right in front of your chest."
- J09Lynn
"My English teacher in 10th grade was drinking water one day when a few drops landed on his shirt. He then complained about getting older and how he never stuck out far enough to get his shirt wet."
"I just sighed."
"4th grade. 4th grade is when I stuck out too much to avoid drips."
- wheredMyArmourGo
"So very much this."
"I refuse to do mountain climbers when my trainer suggests it, she started to get mad saying it's a great exercise. My retort was that I'd really rather not knee myself in the breasts as part of my workout."
"The lady has small boobs and replied that she had never thought of that!"
- Pauliester
Growing Pains
"Probably growing them."
"It hurts, and if you get big boobs young and quickly, it’s both physical and social agony."
"It hurts to grow them, first of all, your chest aches and bumping them against anything really hurts - and since they’re a sudden, large addition to your body, you’re ALWAYS bumping them on stuff."
"But the social aspect is worse."
"Your female family members comment on them slyly and smirk at your response."
"Your male friends look at you weird and you have to realize they see you as more sexual than girls with smaller chests, even though you literally cannot control this."
"Other girls can be nasty and jealous."
"Eventually I learned to manage all this and I like having breasts now; but from like 11-16 I was so frustrated and upset that I had developed them at all."
- Individual_Ad_7523
Two Volcanos
rachael ray boob sweat GIF by First We Feast: Hot OnesGiphy"The sweat and itch!"
"Also that they're like two volcanos, which isn't especially practical during summers or when you're a constantly hot temperatured person anyway."
- Queen-of-meme
"No matter what I try, the skin under my boobs never cools down!"
- Local_Masterpiece_
"Boob sweat is the bane of my existence when it's even a little bit hot outside - and sometimes even when it's not lol..."
- PleasuredMeatStick
"I hate the feeling of sweat on my boobs. I just put tissue between and underneath my boobs to hopefully absorb the sweat so it won’t start to itch and drip."
- LuckyBugHarley
Technological Advancements
"I STILL am not able to remove them after a long day. Why?!"
"Why can't I just set em aside for the night, all done. Why hasn't technology advanced to this possibility yet??"
- IAmNotLookingatYou
"Absolutely they would. The relief we would get ... oh my god it sounds divine."
"Maybe I wouldn’t be so b*tchy."
- Object_Prize
"I’d honestly probably only wear them for ren faire, and leave them at home the rest of the year."
- AbbyNormalKnits
Double Trouble
"The double standard of girls with small chests and big chests."
"If you have a big chest no matter what you wear or do it's sexual. But for girls with smaller chests they can get away with crop tops or v necks or even swim suits."
- BigBunsLittleBunbun
"Lol the bigger girls who spent their entire grade school years getting sent to the principal's office for breaking dress code will agree with you."
"Loose shirts will tent and billow up in the wind as you walk-- dress coded."
"Tight shirts that don't tent but cling to your chest-- dress coded."
"And don't even think about anything but a crew neckline, or you'll be dress coded again."
- cryptic-coyote
"Exactly!"
"I always got in trouble for wearing dresses in school, but skinny Minnie wearing something even worse gets by no problem just because she doesn't fill it out the way I do."
- APD2269
Expensive
Happy Music Video GIF by DJ MustardGiphy"They're expensive."
"Bras are expensive and you need regular bras, sports bras, probably something special like a strapless or low back if you have a special occasion or something."
"And don't even get me started on women's healthcare ..."
- SailorSpoon11
"Stage 4 breast cancer patient here, and it costs me about an extra $5000/yr to stay alive if everything goes well."
- insertcaffeine
"I just stopped breastfeeding and none of my bras fit anymore."
"I’ve just been wearing sports bras every day because I don’t even know what cup size I am anymore and I don’t want to spend a fortune replacing all of my bras."
- kaytay3000
"Plus if you choose not to wear bras for any number of reasons, you’re treated as deviant or an acceptable target of inappropriate attentions."
- letsjumpintheocean
Getting Comfortable
"Laying on your stomach can be tricky."
- ChadweenaThundervag
"Laying on your back can be tricky as well."
"And on your side."
"Just laying in general with big boobs is a hassle."
- Skkaj225
"Am guy."
"However women in my life have found it difficult to get a decent back massage because of this. I've seen plenty of massage tables with head holes, but none with boob support..."
- DeluxeWafer
"Semi-suffocating yourself on the beach while trying to get some sun on your back is fun."
- Miikami
Either Or
"The fact that I look like a walking refrigerator if I wear a loose fitting top, as it billows shapelessly around my body in an odd fabric rectangle."
"But if I wear something form fitting, I look like a lady of the night and am treated as such."
- batchofbetterbutter
"OMG this !!"
"I feel like all my girlfriends around me have such a fashion sense and can wear things with such grace but I always look as you’ve described. Like either I look like a couch pillow or Jessica Rabbit."
"Sometimes I just want to cut them off honestly."
- octokisu
"Yeah I’ve been wanting a reduction since a was a teen because of the back pain and catcalling, and many people I know with a bigger chest feel the same way."
- didithedragon
"I had no idea women hated their boobs so much! It honestly is shining a light on an idea I have never thought of."
- Peter_the_pear
Attempted Murder
Black Woman Breast Cancer Awareness GIF by Know Your GirlsGiphy"They might try to kill me."
"Breast cancer runs in my family and I have to have my first mammogram this year at 36."
"My mom was negative for both BRCA genes but there are 6 others they’ve discovered since she had cancer that we haven’t been tested for."
"Insurance won’t cover me to test unless she tests positive for one."
- Outrageous-Proof4630
"Fun fun fun."
"My mom died from breast cancer at 46. I started getting mammograms at 34."
"Luckily, I took the BRCA test and was negative."
- lil_ho_on_da_prairie
It's Constant
"Constantly being sexualized."
"I’m the least sexual person but people assume I’m super sexual because of my body. And I hate it"
- Plus_Bison_7091
"Yup, I'm ace and I honestly just want them chopped off to be rid of the constant sexualization of my body."
"It makes me really uncomfortable."
- zapsquad
"My friend in elementary school had a condition where she went into puberty super early and had large breasts by 3rd grade."
"We would walk together to elementary school every morning and get cat called a lot, but we were too afraid to tell our parents because we thought they wouldn't let us walk together anymore."
"She would have teachers make comments about them."
"When we were older she talked about how insanely awful and alienating it made her feel growing up. Her younger sister had the same condition, but went on puberty blockers for it."
- gentlybeepingheart
Destroyed
"These pendulous bags of hell have destroyed my back."
"Even a decade after a reduction surgery, I remain in daily pain. And now as an added bonus they get to be misshapen, scarred horribly, and completely useless for raising a baby."
- Originalluff
"I didn’t realize how heavy they are until I got together with girl with big boobs and woooooow they are heavy!"
- I_love_pillows
"I got C cups in fifth grade and those f*ckers went all the way to G by senior year."
"My posture was/is awful and I've felt like an old woman since I was a teenager. I don't even want babies, so they're never actually gonna be useful either."
- Rozeline
See what I mean?
They're kind of awful once they hit a certain size, and that size is pretty much ANY size if you're in Florida.
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Tell me your worst. Mine our stories where I had find my clothes in the dark and sneak out naked.
Don't ask...
A Late Run
Tom Hanks Running GIFGiphy"Asked if he could drive my car to the gas station to buy cigarettes and when he came back he told me he left my keys in the car and it was running."
TopOcelot13
Beefed
"An old friend invited me over for her famous beef stew. I got there, we fool around, had sex, then right after she handed me a tupperware of the stew and said 'you got sex and stew, now please leave.' Still not sure if that's the worst way I was kicked out or the best."
TheRockMan31
"Most of the people here didn’t get stew. You did okay!"
livesarah
'is it that obvious'
"Went home with a girl from the bar. After we had sex, she said something like 'soooo... think you can get an Uber now? If not, I GUESS you can sleep on the couch for a few hours.' Here I was, sitting on some random girl's couch trying to find an Uber at 4 AM. Mercifully I did find one and when the guy picked me up he said 'so, your hookup kick you out?' I said 'is it that obvious' and he replied 'you weren't the first one I drove back to their car tonight and you probably won't be the last.'"
apocalypticradish
Yummy
Hungry Taco Bell GIFGiphy"Go grab some Taco Bell. You can eat it on your way home. Honestly it was better than the sex. And I don't even like Taco Bell that much."
Nobody_Wins_13
I hate Taco Bell. And since reading this... I hate people.
Mrs. Robinson?
Seduce Dustin Hoffman GIF by Top 100 Movie Quotes of All TimeGiphy"She lit a cigarette, then looked at me for like 20 seconds, and said 'Well, bye.' I just got dressed and left. Never saw her again."
Rhalellan
And you are?
"While dozing off, he gently tapped my shoulder, and said: 'Maribel, you can’t stay here.'"
"My name is not Maribel."
tikkichik21
"See this is what happens when you don’t let people talk about Bruno."
Brendanlendan
Go
"He got off me and started looking at pictures of other women on Instagram, and commenting on how much more attractive they were than me and told me 'oh yeah you can go now.' We were best friends for like two years up until that moment."
Caramel_Cappucino
"I’m open minded but this is exactly why I often don’t trust male friendships. You could even be a lesbian and one moment of vulnerability they may take advantage of that. I know it’s unrelated but your experience made me upset and I’m sorry you had to go through that."
L8NiGHTFLiGHT
second time...
"He rolled over, grabbed his phone, and without even looking at me said 'find your clothes, you know where the door is' and just laid there on his phone ignoring me while I gathered my clothes and left. He tried texting me a few days later because he was drunk and horny so I told him 'you know where your hand is' and blocked him."
olivinemultichrome
Gross
Paris Hilton Reaction GIFGiphy"We were good friends for a few years before hooking up after a night of drinking."
"Halfway through sex he told me he can't actually do this because he wanted to get back with his ex and can't mess it up because she's the hottest girl he'll ever be with. He lived in the middle of nowhere and I couldn't leave until the morning so he made me sleep on the couch."
barontayto
Wow. Some people are truly disgusting. How do you treat other humans this way?
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But on occasion, some people in relationships go off in pursuit of one-sided pleasures in secret for various reasons.
These can range from going out to a vegan restaurant when the other person is a carnivore to seeing a Netflix show that is too violent for a squeamish significant other.
Because not every significant other may not share the same passion, Redditors TheTinRam asked:
"What’s a guilty pleasure you hide from your significant other?"
These Redditors needed some "me time."
Dad Time
"Everytime I go on a late night grocery run (once or twice a month) because I work nights, and my wife forgot to grab whatever, I add a $0.70 Mexican soda to the cart. It is just for me. It is something my dad used to get me on especially long days when I was a kid 'helping' him on jobsites. It is my tiny reminder of him."
– thecountnotthesaint
Story For No One
"I write stories for years now, some of the times she thinks I'm working on the computer but I'm actually writing a story. There is nothing to hide but I just keep it to myself, none of my family members know I write stories. Till today I have written 56 stories (most of them are short)."
– SuvenPan
In The Wee Small Hours Of The Morning
"Staying up late for peace and quiet."
– Blue_OG_46
Chatting For One
"I talk to myself all the time, I was actually wondering last night if it was a really weird thing to do lol"
– hottytoddy_sko
Naked And Sacred
"I will cruise the house butt naked and just do whatever the hell I want. About once a month. I won’t be able to this summer because the kids will be back in school, but come August, I’ll be naked and free again!"
– batchofbetterbutter
Some people need to get out of the house.
Self Therapy
"Sometimes I take the long way home and talk to myself in the car about my 'problems' - like Self Therapy. I put one earbud in so ppl think I could be on the phone."
"I get quite animated. It helps to get a stressful day out of my system before I get home and switch gears."
– Humble-Plankton2217
Solo Slice
"My husband has gluten sensitivity. If he eats regular pizza, his stomach hurts for a couple of days after."
"Well, I don't, so sometimes I say I'm going for a run, and I do run.... to the pizza store, eat a slice, and run back."
– sohumsahm
Catching Up With The Boys
"Covid has messed it up for a bit now. But every 3 or so months the boys and I all get up like we are going to work at our respective jobs but instead all call in sick and meet for breakfast, then go back to our one buddies place for the day to hangout. Around 4 or 5 one by one we all head home for our normal arrival time."
"It's literally the only way for us all to get together reliably. Most of us have known each other for the better part of 30 years now, going way back to junior kindergarten for some."
"Twice I have let her know my plan for the day and twice I have gotten phone calls to come home early for what ever not some emergency. So now we do it secretly."
– foh242
Some of the things people do behind their SO's backs is for endearing reasons.
Smooch Ploy
"I don’t know if this is a guilty pleasure necessarily but I pretend to be asleep when he comes home from work because he always kisses me on the forehead."
– str8outofabook
Catching Zzzs
"I love when she snores."
"She complains (only lightly) about my snoring all the time, and I always feel awful that I make it tricky for her to get a good night's sleep. When she's snoring, I know she's actually going to rest well, and it makes me happy."
– ricdesi
Scent Of A Man
"Smelling his clothes. Not creepily, like his boxers. But when he lets me borrow a shirt or a sweater I’ll put it on and just revel in the smell of him on his clothes. If I recall correctly, it definitely wasn’t like this when we first started dating. It’s been over two years now and I only remember doing this around the 7 month mark. He smells really, really good."
– he-whoeatsbugs
The Forever Admirer
"I have a whole album of 'unflattering' pictures of her. Not really something I hide, but they make me happy. She’s so silly yet so beautiful."
– Dewahll
They say that a couple that plays together, stays together.
That's all well and good. However, a significant other having some alone time should never be stigmatized.
My husband and I usually watch every TV show together, but I watch Netflix's Ozark by myself because I enjoy intense dramas, immensely.
It's not a secret. And he's glad I watch the shows that I want to watch on my own time–just like I encourage him to watch all those UFO documentaries that he's obsessed with, by himself.
No really, watch them without me.
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