I'm gonna be honest with you guys, I've never been to a wedding where the bride or groom went total -zilla on everyone. I've seen some terrible parents, I've heard my fair share of unfortunate speeches - shout out to that one awkward a capella performance. So intimate; so terrible.
That doesn't mean I don't love some good bridal "chisme" - that's gossip; and it's a high art. The Puerto Rican women in my family have passed the skill down for generations. The elders are masters by now. The shade is subtle, the reads are so real - they're like the Hatori Hanzo's of talking sh*t.
Anyway, one Reddit user asked:
and like 14 generations of my ancestors rose up within me in unison like "READ IT!" and really who am I to deny my blood? I mean, it didn't work out well when Buffy The Vampire Slayer tried it. Okay, so first things first, the question was directed at wedding planners but everyone and their granny chimed in. Wouldn't you? You know you would.
Secondly, people are terrible human beings. There. I said it. So here are some of the responses that made me cringe, cackle, or cry the most - edited for language or clarity, of course. Have fun!
The Landscaping Bill
I used to work at a wedding venue. I was there once when a future bride and her mother were visiting to plan out the setup. They had already booked the place for the wedding.
The building had some lovely planters with flowers of all different colors in the outdoor space where ceremonies were held. Both ladies, but especially the mother of the bride, had a huge issue with the fact that some of the flowers didn't match the couple's wedding colors. We explained to them that no, the flowers couldn't be swapped out or moved before the wedding because they were in those huge urn planters that probably weighed upwards of 100-150 pounds each fully loaded with soil.
Bridezilla and Momzilla went around behind my manager's back and started ripping up the flowers of colors they didn't like. Fortunately, Momzilla only got a few before she was caught, but my manager was 100% ready to add our landscaper's fee to the bill. He probably should have anyway.
"Send Your Assistant To The Funeral"Giphy
I've posted this before, but this was my worst for sure.
I'm a wedding planner. We had an unexpected death in the family. Our 6 month old nephew had passed away in his sleep. I knew the funeral was going to be the day my clients upcoming wedding. I gave her a call to explain the situation. She's clearly not paying attention to the call or the words I'm speaking because I hear her laughing with friends in the background. I get irritated and tell her I'll call her later. I call back that night and again tell her what has happened and that I'd be sending an assistant to cover for me so I can attend the funeral. She tells me that I need to send my assistant to the funeral and that I better be at her wedding. It took me a few seconds, but I calmly stated that I'd be sending her money back and that no one would be covering for me. Nicest way I've ever said f off. I really wanted to bitch slap her.
I've been doing this for a while. I've seen some shit. I've seen a drunk grandma heil Hitler in a room full of Jewish guests. I've seen a bride kiss an ex boyfriend while the groom was in the bathroom. One attempted suicide. One very expensive and very short wedding. However, the majority of my clients are amazing. Still, sometimes there are just horrible people in this world. The good thing is I've gotten much better at spotting them before we get to far.
I work as an assistant to a wedding planner. We had a bridezilla let half of her guests leave and have someone drive almost 3 hours over a pair of shoes.
About 45 minutes before the ceremony was supposed to begin, a bridesmaid grabbed me in a panic and told me the bride forgot her shoes. She told me that the bride absolutely needed her shoes. I asked where they were, she told me they were at another location - an hour away. The wedding planner talked to the bride and explained that no one would even notice if she didn't wear those shoes. We could go grab her another pair, her dress covered her feet, etc. The bride pitched a fit and made an uncle drive and get them. It took him about 2.5 hours to get them. The whole time, we were trying to convince the bride to start the ceremony and she refused.
The worst part was that her family came from another country and didn't really speak English so they had no idea what was going on at first. They got super restless and some people even left. We told the bride that people were leaving and she didn't care, she just wanted her shoes. Everything was delayed by about an hour and half. People were pissed. By the time the reception rolled around about 50% of the people left the venue.
This doesn't entirely fit the question, but my friend's wedding planner flat out refused to use the bride's hand-made decorations.
The bride and family had spent hours finishing the decorations the day before. The bride was really proud of them. The wedding planner hid them in a box under the guestbook table. I was the bridesmaid assigned to go down from the suite and check on things while everyone was getting ready. I did a check in and noticed that the decorations were nowhwere to be found. I asked the planner why the decorations weren't hung up, and she told me she didn't like them.
I had a boyfriend of another bridesmaid hang them up because I knew the bride would be upset if they weren't in the reception hall.
A drunk, screaming groomzilla screamed and pointed in my face (while his poor bride cowered behind him) because the venue ran out of Grey Goose at 11:45pm. The wedding ended at midnight. I filled up an empty bottle with water are served it to him and his douchey friends.
"Dad" And James Bond
I worked one that was a complete nightmare. The bride and groom were from NYC and got married in the south. He was her boss at a Fox News show. When I first saw them I legit thought he was her dad. The entire night she kept yelling at him, telling him to leave conversations she was having with her friends. She was just awful to him.
Not to mention their wedding colors were pink and green. And I mean BRIGHT pink. They paid thousands of dollars to have a pink tented ceiling and their bridesmaid dresses were these ugly hot pink designer dresses. I think each one cost $900. This wedding all around was between $300-350,000 at least. They had a man in a jet pack dressed in a tux fly over the reception, land to a string quartet playing the James Bond theme song and took a sip of a martini. That cost like $13k. He was a pretty interesting guy, if you can imagine.
I sometimes wonder if the couple is still together. I'm assuming not.
The Aisle 5 Train Wreck
Was helping a friend plan her wedding. We literally had everything planned, had called in favors with friends to do everything at cost, and she had personally asked my mom to officiate. This was going to be gorgeous, and I did nothing without her. She was in on the entire thing, as she should be.
Then her in-laws got involved. She started saying yes to everything they were saying without telling me. They then started asking me to ask my friends to provide their services for free or under just cost. They expected my contacts to be okay losing money. When I pushed back on the price, suddenly I was making her wedding all about me. They made me out to be a nut job.
My friend didn't even take the time to tell my mom that her services as the officiant were no longer needed and the bride had found a catholic deacon to marry them. Mind you, the bride is Muslim and the groom converted from Catholicism to Islam to marry her in another ceremony so SOMEONE lied about their faith here! I found out 2nd hand - 4 days before the wedding.
That was it. I cancelled everything but the caterer - that was a favor my boyfriend had called in and decided to keep only because his buddy needed the money. The bride bought fake flowers and the ceremony was a train wreck. It was glorious vindication.
My boyfriend was beside himself when he called me after the wedding. Their arch was a couple of 2x4s nailed together on the beach. The from-home speaker and mic cut out so no one could hear anything, which was a blessing because the maid of honor (one of the in-laws who was key in talking the bride out of everything) didn't prepare her speech. Instead, she just rambled nervously like an idiot.
It was mid-summer in Florida so it was hot as F*CK. They held the ceremony in full sun at 3 pm (peak UV rays and often well above 100 degrees) so everyone was sweaty/stinky/pissed off and getting sunburned. They didn't spring for seats so everyone was just standing there.... in the hot sand.
The groomsmen wore shirts that were close but off in color just enough that you knew it was a mistake. The reception was held at the maid of honors small house. Apparently, they didn't think to empty the fridge for any of the food to be stored ahead of time. They grabbed cupcakes from publix, they used the same crappy speaker and a little rainbow disco light to designate the dance area. No one danced.
My boyfriend likened it to a really sweaty high school party with better food.
I am honestly just happy that I was able to call the florist (my best friends mother!) in time for her to cancel her order from the market.
She got the Aisle 5 wedding she paid for and I got to save money on a dress.
The bride came in and literally threw a chair through a window because she was pissed that there was one chair extra in the back of the room.
The Vegan Meltdown
I was almost the maid of honor for a bridezilla.
She is Vegan and I mean, heavily Vegan. The menu eventually changed into one that had no options for non-Vegans, despite the majority of the guests being omnivores. Whenever I'd bring it up to her, she'd reply with "Well, they should know better because it's my wedding. They don't have to eat if they don't like it."
The wedding was to take place at a gorgeous retreat in the mountains just outside of LA. She was so hellbent on the location that they put down a hefty non-refundable deposit right away. Since it was up in the mountains, I knew that we wouldn't have easy access to non-vegan establishments should we get hungry, and people need to eat. The bride had planned on the wedding party staying in a cabin house that they were going to rent for the occasion.
I figured it wouldn't hurt to ask if we could bring our own food to make. When I ran this by her, she abruptly told me, "F*ck no you can't bring that shit inside my cabin. You better find a way to take the microwave and nuke that shit outside because no f*cking way am I gonna let the cabin smell like meat."
At that point I was so ready to be done.
The bride and groom had a trip to some hipster music festival coming up so I made up my mind to use that time away from her to come up with a good way to remove myself from the situation. No need for that, as it turns out.
They came back from the trip with their engagement dissolved. Apparently they came to the realization that they didn't really love each other and that it was just a relationship of convenience. They had been together for ten years! Felt a little bad, but at the same time relieved. Don't know who broached it first but I have my guesses.
Groomzilla's Thank You Cake
I have a friend who used to do high society weddings.
There was a bride who was the nicest person imaginable, but everyone else was entitled sh*t.
The bridesmaids and groomsmen never showed up for the photo shoot. Reason? How were they supposed to show up if the planners didn't personally knock on their hotel room doors to remind them to get ready?
The bride would set the groom a list of tasks. The second she was out of earshot, he'd turn to one of the planners and say, "You heard her. Get it done." He was also generally useless; coming to meetings late, always drunk with his groomsmen and letting his bride handle everything.
The church ceremony was delayed an hour because the groom's mother didn't even start getting dressed until the ceremony was supposed to start.
A week after the ordeal, this lovely bride asks my friend for her address as she wanted to send a cake over as thanks.
An hour later, the bride calls my friend to confirm that she had given her the right address. My friend says yes.
Friend didn't realize the bride and groom were personally delivering the cake. My friend is super humble, but she lives in a huge mansion, doesn't actually need the money from her event planning job. Her family is loaded - but none of them attend high society events because her father thinks it's beneath them.
The couple was shocked, and the groom suddenly tried to be overly friendly and pal-y with my friend. Asking who the architect of her house was, etc, hoping that she wouldn't remember the sh*tty treatment he'd given her last week.
She just graciously accepted the cake, wished the bride well and closed the gate on them.
The Zit Restoration
Former Wedding Photographer- The last wedding I ever did, the bride had a huge zit on her forehead, which was just ruining everything. It was the end of the world. So, thinking I was being generous, I zapped it off in all of the photos in photoshop. Cut to a few weeks later after I delivered them, I get an irate phone call saying that she couldn't believe I would edit off a zit. She wanted to remember the day as it was, not how it should have been. So I went through and restored all the zits... Weddings are too emotionally fraught to mix with business...
Just Act Like It's Real
Bride tried to have a 50k wedding on a 5k budget, and do everything last minute. She didn't like her officiant and fired him the wk before wedding, and then didn't realize how difficult it was going to be to find one last minute. She ended up having to get married by a JP the day before wedding and had a friend officiate wedding and act like it was all real! The whole wedding was a joke, and people left by 8pm after cake. The whole wedding was over by 10pm.
Actual Parking Lot
My friend is an events coordinator, one of the few privileged to host at a fancy, remote Californian resort. It takes celebrities for 2-3k per night, but doesn't have any big party spaces. Events are held in the fields, and rich folk enjoy the rustic vibe.
This reception was to be held in July, on a Sunday, in the parking lot. Not the fields - the parking lot. My Friend orders rolls of artificial turf grass to cover the asphalt. The Bride gets buyer's remorse and cancels the turf a couple weeks before the wedding. Wedding day, Bridezilla comes to Friend fuming "This is an actual parking lot, with lines and everything!!"
Yeah. We told you that.
The first few people Friend called hung up on her. Finally someone quotes her an absurd price to load up ALL of their rolls of (real) turf grass, drive the hr to the resort, and set it up. Friend doubles the price she quotes the bride. Bride doesn't bat an eye. And that is how i got paid $20/hr to intermittently water turf grass in a parking lot.
We had a guestzilla.
Older aunt of the bride showed up wearing a white lace gown. That's already a huge no, but she then told the groom she didn't want him in the group picture because it was only for "family." When the caterer put aside the top tier of the cake and put it in a box for the bride a groom to have on their first anniversary, she began to pick off and eat the icing with her fingers.
F*ck you, aunt Ann.
All The Bridesmaids
My sister got drunk and kicked all her bridesmaids out of the wedding the night before.
Covering Mom's Cost
A guy I know got married recently and the bride's mother was the worst Momzilla. There were 6 bridesmaids in the wedding party - 4 of them bridesmaids never spoke to the bride again and 2 didn't even attend the wedding due to Mom's behavior at the hen party.
Mom micromanaged everything and was very abusive and controlling throughout. That wasn't the worst part, though. The bride put Momzilla in charge of coordinating. Mom handled the hotel, selected restaurants, etc. The bridesmaids found out rather than pay for herself, she just overcharged everyone else and skimmed the extra so it would cover her costs.
I once sat through a wedding with a total bridesmaidzilla. Instead of giving a speech, she decided to just play some songs, that way she wouldn't have to put in any real effort.
Yeah, it ended up being 7 minutes of garbled music that non of us could understand since the sound system hadn't been properly set up. It was coming from a DJ booth that had just announced MR & MRS when it was supposed to be MRS & MRS.
But we all politely sat through this - mostly because I think nobody was surprised. The bridesmaid was a train wreck anyway. She wore thick jeans under her dress (in late summer heat) and completely ruined the lines of her dress. She looked ridiculous. Not only that, her jeans stunt ruined the one shot of silly mismatched socks that the Brides wanted! One photo! Maidzilla ruined it, then proceeded to rush everyone else along because she was burning up.
Then after the reception, she immediately changed clothes and decided she would "manage" the packing, transport, and unpacking of the decorations and gifts. Rather than pitch in and help, she sat on her oversized posterior and "directed" everyone else. I, while still in my suit and slick shoes, told her to help or shut up. I did most of the work with my daughter on my shoulders because I already could tell I did not want this woman near my child.
At one point she insisted on watching my daughter while I went to the store. I had no plan of this happening, but the two Brides pulled me aside and confided in me that she wasn't very responsible with kids. As if I was even considering it.
The same woman sat at the other end of a table at a restaurant then complained no one was talking to her. Dummy, everyone else was here first. You chose that seat and excluded yourself!
Mom Made The CakeGiphy
My fiance and I were making final plans for our wedding reception, so we happened to be at the venue for a meeting while they were setting up for a wedding. We got to witness a fantastic disaster.
The bride and her mother insisted that the mom make the wedding cake. The venue includes the cake as part of the package but these folks insisted on their own. Mom didn't have experience in wedding cakes, but neither she nor the bride was interested in any tips from the venue. The wedding planner at the hall knew they were planning on using a cake topper and warned them that they would need to include a stand in the middle of the cake for support. Toppers are heavy. Cake isn't very strong. Support is a must. Planner warned them repeatedly. We all heard.
The mother insisted she knew what she was doing. Her three cakes piled on top of each other were sturdy enough to support the large figurine cake topper.
Fast forward to them setting up the reception, we are in the office trying to talk with the planner. The whole time we are meeting the planner kept apologizing for having trouble focusing - she kept looking past us over at the cake thinking that it looked kind of off.
We were wrapping up our meeting when suddenly she screams and bolts out of her chair. The topper had collapsed through the three layers of cake then come out the front, leaving the entire front of the cake a pile of crumbs with frosting.
I never found out how that mess got fixed because my fiance and I got the hell out of there.
People Break Down The Exact Moment They Realized They Were Being Manipulated By Someone They Trusted
Manipulation is designed to be stealthy. We hardly recognize it when it's happening to us because our abuser has forced it to appear under wraps.
But when we recognize it for what it really is, we really feel like we've been smacked across the face. There is no other descriptor for it. Usually we've trusted and loved those that manipulated us.
A Platitude Of Pleasing<p>You never know where the next blowout is coming from. Any time something needs to be addressed, you might try to bring it up once, gently, if you're feeling brave. If you meet the slightest bit of resistance, or you don't feel like that fight in the first place, you just go "okay dear" instead. You find that you'll put the argument off until next time, and hope that whatever you thought to bring up won't have any consequences, because you'll be hearing about those, too. It sucks, and I'm glad you can speak about it in the past tense.</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/TheGreatestAuk/" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">TheGreatestAuk</a></p>
Wrong Or Right Or Just Not Agreeing?<p>When I started realizing that I was feeling like I was constantly walking on eggshells. I never knew which version of my friend I'd get when we saw each other, or when we hung out. I also just completely stopped disagreeing with them because I didn't want to hear them tell me how wrong I was if we didn't share the same viewpoint.</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/WhatArcherWhat/" target="_blank">WhatArcherWhat</a></p>
Being Used<p>My best friend suddenly distanced herself from me. But every now and then she'd call and ask if I wanted to do something, and I was encouraged because I thought it meant that things were still good between us. It took me an embarrassingly long time to realize that she only called when she wanted to do something that required a ride, since she didn't have a car. The only thing I can say in my defense is that I don't use people that way so I didn't recognize user behavior. You can bet I do now.</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/Goldeverywhere/" target="_blank">Goldeverywhere</a></p>
Hiding The Receipts<p>I was living with my former best friend and his gf at the time. When I asked for grocery receipts (I trusted him & his ex to buy groceries bc I didn't have a car at the time + our work schedules were different so I couldn't go with them) and they wouldn't provide any. The only reason I became suspicious was bc they started asking for a ridiculous amount of money for my half and the actual amount of food wasn't adding up. Up until that point they never asked for a crazy amount and I was content with our groceries, but I noticed they became extremely greedy. When I then asked to see a banking statement, they wouldn't even provide me with that either.</p><p>At that point I just realized they were finessing me out of extra money and I started buying my own food. I just bit my tongue bc we only had like 2 months left on the lease. They tried to gaslight me and make me seem like the bad guy any chance they had (almost the entire time I lived with them actually). Eventually, I grew apart from him once I moved away and the only reason he hit me back up was bc she cheated on him so he probably didn't have anyone else to turn to (go figure). We don't talk anymore.</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/0MG1MW3T/" target="_blank">0MG1MW3T</a></p>
Ah Yes, Good Old DARVO<p>My mother and I have always had a rocky relationship. She's always encouraged me to tell her what's wrong, however, any time I would she'd immediately go "sorry I'm such a terrible mother, I give you everything you want and it's still not good enough! Why don't you just go live with someone you don't hate?" Keep in mind this happens over small things such as "mom, I'd appreciate it if you'd knock before coming into my room. You know how easily I startle and you barging into my room really upsets me"</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/paytonc0510/" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">paytonc0510</a></p>
How Do You Do This To Someone<p>8 years into the relationship. As we're sitting down he explains to me that the "first couple years" we were together he only saw me as a place to crash and free rides, but he loved me NOW, and even though I accomplished all the goals HE set for ME so we could get married he said "I never really thought you could do it". Oh and also you got fat, but don't worry we can fix it! It was like a magic veil lifted and I finally saw who he really was. F**k you James.</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/DoNotUseOnHumans/" target="_blank">DoNotUseOnHumans</a></p>
Be My Friend And Not Theirs<p>She always managed to make me do things I didn't really want to do but the last straw was when she decided I had to stop being friends with two mates of mine over something stupid that offended her. </p><p>Cut her off over that and she then proceeded to act derisively ("you'll come back"), then badmouthed me and then begged me to take her back. Ten years later I am still friends with those two guys and she's still out of my life.</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/FatherTedHackett/" target="_blank">FatherTedHackett</a></p>
Victim Time<p>When literally every time me and my mom talked she played the victim.</p><p>I was trying to help her raise me, ask me about my grades and stuff. For her I just existed, she wasn't responsible at all.</p><p>I grew up watching her play the victim to others, and I was always on her side, cuz she's my mom you know. Also I never really understood what was going on.</p><p>I started getting older and older, and seeing sh*t after sh*t she did. I understood what she did to my father, to my step-dad, to my sister, to her friends.</p><p>Probably I'd be the next one who she would use and throw away.</p><p>I talked to her... and you know the result. The victim. Nothing it's her fault.</p><p>The last time we talked, I was expecting the victim card. When she started speaking, I already knew what was going to happen. I didn't even said a word, I just agreed with her, and the next day I moved out. I'm not wasting my time.</p><p>It was the last day before quarantine, I remember it as if it was yesterday. Friday night: saturday morning I was packing my stuff.</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/NotFromHeel/" target="_blank">NotFromHeel</a></p>
Sixteen Years Of Made Up Lies<p>After 16 years of marriage I realized my now ex was manipulating me. I would work and take care of the house and if I asked him to do something like get a job or clean up he would stage a mental breakdown and make me feel bad for asking him for help. </p><p>He would play up a horrible childhood or PTSD from the military to make me feel like I need to take care of him. Then would play on his computer all day and smoke while I worked. </p><p>Found out that a lot of his horrible childhood stories were made up and that he never made it through basic training in the military. I am happily with someone now but still catch myself cringing when he does things like cook or clean thinking that he is going to yell at me for being lazy. Meanwhile he loves me and is just doing things to take care of me. I'm working on deprogramming myself.</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/HolyCelestialCow/" target="_blank">HolyCelestialCow</a></p>
Sometimes It's The Mother-In-Law<p>Took me until after the engagement to realize that my cheating ex fiancee was trying to browbeat me into submission.</p><p>Anywho, I quickly recognized emotional blackmail and manipulation from my MIL after getting married to a different girl years later due to that experience. I called her out on it.</p><p>She... Doesn't like that. But since my wife and sister-in-law and brother-in-law also recognize it they've got my back.</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/engineertr1gg/" target="_blank">engineertr1gg</a></p>
Just as new mothers encounter the sudden, influential developments of powerful hormone changes, protective instincts, and milk production, so new fathers undergo some key changes of their own.
Their socks become exclusively white, climbing higher up the calf than ever before. All their shorts sprout cargo pockets and clunky belt loop cell phone holders. They start to really lean in to their old records.
Regional Laws<p>"Dad, driving past a cemetery: Did you know anyone living in a 3 mile radius of a cemetery isn't allowed to be buried there?"</p><p>"Me: No, I had no idea. How come?"</p><p>"Dad: Yeah, you're not allowed to bury the living"</p><p>-- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjk1d2k?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">TinyLuckDragon</a></p>
For the Face Plant Image<p>"Why do Scuba Divers fall backwards off a boat?"</p><p>"Because if they fell frontwards they'd still be on the boat" -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjjv4mt?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">hatsnatcher23</a></p><p style="margin-left: 20px;">"Just told this one to my bf and he still has his face in his hands" -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjka0w7?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">sxeoompaloompa</a></p>
A Mammal of Few Words<p>"What did the father buffalo say when his child left for school?"</p><p>"Bison" -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjjp257?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">TatooineLight</a></p><p style="margin-left: 20px;">"LOL" -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjjp9p0?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">BennuH</a></p><p style="margin-left: 20px;">"Told this to my brother, he laughed his a** off." -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjk4cvq?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">Type10Civilization</a></p>
Baggage<p>"When I do home improvements I always use my step ladder"</p><p>"I never knew my real ladder" -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjjlkab?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">DavosLostFingers</a></p><p style="margin-left: 20px;">"Whoever took the ladder, please return it or further steps will be taken." -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjm2htz?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">WaldhornNate</a></p>
Woah Woah Woah, We're in Public<p>"Me: I'm not very hungry, I just want something easy"</p><p>"Server: maybe the chicken strips for $6"</p><p>"Me: maybe it does, but that doesn't help my hunger" -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjjuq78?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">mcnoobs_</a></p><p style="margin-left: 20px;">"My husband was facepalming for solid 8 minutes after I read that joke to him." -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjnee7m?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">Madanax</a></p>
Not Wrong<p>"Two dudes were on a boat with a few cigarettes, but they didn't have anything to light them, so they threw one of the cigarettes out of the boat, and the boat became a cigarette lighter." </p><p>-- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjjkeoz?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">OrangeMirrorJuice</a></p>
Watch the News Before Saying This One<p>"Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?"</p><p>"It's okay, they eventually woke up."</p><p>"I cringe every time." -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjk0ej7?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">unicorndreamz94</a></p><p style="margin-left: 20px;">"My 10 year old tried this one a few weeks ago. Unfortunately, I had just read news about a missing local girl. 'So I answered that yes I heard about the missing girl' Scared the sh** out of my 10 year old" -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjo3ssv?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">Aubear11885</a></p>
Got a Million of Em<p>"What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fshhhh."</p><p>"I'm sorry but I'm about to say something tasteless. Water."</p><p>"I got fired from my job at the calendar factory. I took a day off."</p><p>"Unfortunately though, I can't really tell these jokes since I'm not a dad. I'm a faux pa."</p><p> -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjk9igl?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">WholeGrainMustard</a></p>
G-Pa With the Physics Humor<p>"Why does the movie "speed" have no director?"</p><p>"If it had direction, it'd be called velocity!"</p><p>"-my grandpa, earlier today" -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjk4wdo?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">ConceptUpset4681</a></p><p style="margin-left: 20px;">"That's better than a regular dad joke. It's a grand dad joke." -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjkuc30?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">VaultBoy9</a></p>
A Surprising Amount of Elevator Humor<p>"I have a joke about elevators."</p><p>"It works on so many levels......." -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjk1lrv?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">M0ntgomatron</a></p><p style="margin-left: 20px;">"Did you hear about the corruption at the elevator company?"</p><p style="margin-left: 20px;">"It went all the way to the top." -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjkyjrp?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">RandomName222222222</a></p>
Cleaning up is hard enough when it's just clearing a month of dust bunnies. Can you imagine cleaning the debris left by murder, suicide and violence? I have a really great friend who used to do crime scene clean-up for a living. The pay is incredible; it starts at $55 an hour. But there is a much higher cost in mental well being. Death affects you in ways you don't always feel immediately. My friend has stories of nightmares, depression and pain after leaving scenes of horror. Why make all that money just to spend it on therapy? It takes a certain type of person.
***TRIGGER WARNING. CONTENTS ARE SENSITIVE ***Redditor u/MemegodDave wanted to hear from the people who have the stomach to come in after crime and tragedy
to try to bring back some form of normalcy to the location by asking... People who make their living out of cleaning murder scenes, accidents and the like, what is the worst thing you have experienced in your career?
Wrapped Up<p>Dad had to saran wrap a guy's intestines back into his body once.</p><p>Dude had surgery and pushed too hard on the toilet. Dude was fine, according to Dad, just holding himself together on the toilet while a group of firefighters tried to figure out why the hell they were sent instead of paramedics.</p><p><em>Update</em> When he pushed too hard he opened a scar on his torso/ab area and it all fell out onto his lap. Should have mentioned this when I wrote the post. </p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/l48wk3/people_who_make_their_living_out_of_cleaning/gko9lq0?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">noblemile</a><span></span></p>
Flesh<p>One that stuck with me was a suicide in a bathtub, we couldn't drain the tub, so had to use a coagulant then scoop up the bloody mess into biohazard bags. Same for the toilet. Another was a suicide by gun in a basement full of boxes which was a nightmare to clean as even the smallest bit of flesh had to be found and cleaned up. The smell of the smallest piece of flesh meant the job wasn't done until it was found. </p>
Walk Away<p>Medic here, first responder to a motorcycle collision. Guy who crashed was a friend. He'd been torn in half and almost decapitated.</p><p>Had to walk away from the scene and let my driver and another crew handle it. Think about it daily. </p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/l48wk3/people_who_make_their_living_out_of_cleaning/gko4y58?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">Sabre-23</a><span></span></p>
All over the House<p>I posted this on another thread so just copy and pasted it but this was one that I had to do</p><p>Clean up after a murder. It was a rehab house for ex cons, 4 bedroom house with communal bathroom and kitchen. Sunday morning and guy A is in his room listening to music pretty loud, guy B is in the kitchen cooking his breakfast, B knocks on A's door and tells him to turn it down, there's a small argument and B returns to his breakfast and A turns his music up. So B grabs the biggest knife in the kitchen, kicks in A's door and stabs him through his left shoulder, entering by his collar bone. </p>
"ride-alongs"<p>Not a cleaner, but my brother's best friend is a police officer and I heard all about this horrible experience:</p><p>My brother's friend took him on "ride-alongs," all the time. One day, they were responding to a welfare check. This guy's neighbor saw his apartment door cracked open for several days and called the police. They went to check it out and found a college student (18-19) who had shot himself. </p>
Melt Away<p>When I was a bartender, a couple of clients told me the worst part about the job is cleaning melted bodies.</p><p>I don't know the science behind that, but from what I understand is if a body stays for a while in a certain condition of temperature and humidity, it melts. And those guys have to remove that person's remains in buckets. </p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/l48wk3/people_who_make_their_living_out_of_cleaning/gknsqfm?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">Kaynny</a><span></span></p>
Audrey<p>I had a great uncle who helped clean up the bodies left behind by hurricane Audrey in 1957 and he said that the smell persisted in his nose for weeks after. It got so bad that he went to the doctor to see if they could do anything and they clipped all of his nose hairs and the smell went away. It was explained to him that the smell had soaked into the hair but I don't claim to know the validity of that statement.</p>
Hazard<p>One of my first jobs after moving I did this, and the job that had me walking wasn't even a scene as described. We did all types of hazmat cleans and the worst was actually a couple went on vacation and came back to backed up sceptic. Think about 1 ft thick hard dried out crusty sceptic waste spread throughout the entire 1st floor of a house. Not going further into detail here. Was nasty.</p><p>Septic, not sceptic. On break and mobile, so yeah... </p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/l48wk3/people_who_make_their_living_out_of_cleaning/gknvzn8?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">Kamenovski</a><span></span></p>
After the Crash...<p>Working for a tow truck driver that get the calls after crashes. The worst one for me was a family of 6 coming back with over 10 pizzas for a baseball team. It was a head on with a tractor trailer (18 wheeler). The ambulance took the bodies away of course, everyone died but one little guy. There was so much blood and vomit, diapers, toy dolls covered in blood, the pizza was everywhere inside of the car like 2" thick on everything and all over the road. </p>
Fresh Meat<p>Friend of mine does this.</p><p>His worst was an elderly woman who died in a bath. Skin falls off like long cooked meat. So he just saw piles of skin/flesh</p><p>God just writing this makes me gag. </p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/l48wk3/people_who_make_their_living_out_of_cleaning/gknwqwu?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">PlagueDoc22</a><span></span></p>
We all know the telltale signs that something is making us uncomfortable. Suddenly, we begin shaking, either in our hands or knees or toes. Then, usually, sweat starts pouring out of every part of our body, making it look like we just ran through a rainstorm underneath a waterfall. Finally, we lose our regular speech functions. Everything goes out of sync and our words don't match up to what's in our minds.
What's interesting is that what usually brings about these fits of uncomfortableness differs from person to person, as evidenced by the stories below.