People Explain Why They've Actually Up And Walked Out Of A Restaurant
In the mysterious "Before Times," when it was possible to go out without putting the whole of the planet in jeopardy, there was a time when we could go to "restaurants." It was at these long lost places where you could order food and, here's the crazy part, people would bring them to you at the table. They wouldn't just drop them off at your door, they would take the food directly to you. However, not all restaurants are created equal, and sometimes you would have to know when to just say "Nope."
Reddit user, u/baddestBlTCH, wanted to know about:
You Can Only Take So Much Negligenceseason 3 restaurant GIFGiphy
I'm fairly easy going. So I'll put up with a lot. Especially when there's a less than half assed apology.
But this night both my husband and I weren't in the mood. After 45 minutes, all that was accomplished was getting a drink. Our order wasn't taken. I had a water, he had a Dr. Pepper probably. Our waitress literally spent at least the last 15 minutes of us being there, helping another table go through and pick merch that's located at the hostess stand (it was a local bar/restaurant, and at the hostess stand they sold t-shirts and insulated travel cups.) I try not to complain about service with my husband because he was a former server and worked other jobs in the food industry, so he can take it personally. But even he was getting pissed.
After 40 minutes of our waitress not coming to check on us for our order (or even a quick "hey sorry, we are busier than expected and backed up, I'll be over to get your order as soon as possible"), 15 of which was spent with her walking different t-shirt designs back and forth to their table (from the hostess stand, where the hostess wasn't doing anything, and was free to handle the transaction... which is where you're supposed to do it at... the hostess stand... where the shirts are for sale at...), we dropped $2 for the soda and bounced. She wasn't even done helping with the shirts at the time so who only knows how much longer that took.
That bar has insanely good cheesesteaks but it's a bit of a drive so we haven't made the trip after. We've heard the service hasn't gotten any better.
Creepy Creep Creeper
Does an ice cream parlor count?
In I think 2011, the guy I was out on a first date with asked me in an oddly sexual/creepy way if he was making me nervous. This was because he was so boring I found it really hard to make any conversation with him and I was being kinda silent, which he misconstrued as me being intimidated by just how attracted to him I was, or something. I got up and put the money for my milkshake on the table and left.
I was dating black girl, and I heard the server say he wasn't going to wait on an interracial couple. So I told the manager, got their corporate number, ordered a bunch of food. Waiting until they started cooking it, then left.
What Have You Got Going On In The Back?
If I get seated and the restaurant is not busy, and the server does not at least come by to say "hi, I'll be right with you" in the first 15 minutes, I will get up and leave.
This has happened like 2-3 times, so not often, but that's my rule. I do stop by the host and let them know that I'm leaving though so they know. AITA?
Hate Bees. That's All They Are.
Wasp nest in a Popeyes
It was in between some seats so yeah that was fun
Walked out because my small town hometown opened a fancy high class restaurant in what used to be a diner and afterwards became a cafe. We were four of twelve customers and we ordered and then waited for forty five minutes. We were planning to pick up the mail after we ate. I got so tired of waiting that I walked out, went the five blocks to the post office, grabbed our mail, walked back into the restaurant where my sister and parents were still waiting. We flipped through the mail and waited another fifteen minutes before our food finally arrived.
A Back Room Deal Would Have Been Fun
This happened pre-Covid. Made reservations at a decent Chinese restaurant for a table of 12. Our entire ensemble arrived and we noticed the restaurant was jam packed. The hostess reassured us that we have a table reserved and were shown back outside around the building to a hidden walkway with stairs leading back inside. The stairs were dirt stained and the room she lead us to looked like a covert, illegal gambling space where back room deals were made.
The dim lighting didn't hide the layer of dust coating every surface while the room itself smelled like stale cigarettes. There were mismatched chairs that have obviously seen better days. We looked at each other and noped out of there quick.
How Would Mentioning It Be Helpful?
Went out with a group of friends late one night. We had a friend with an eye condition with us, and the waitress asked him what was wrong with his face and if he was stupid. She thought she was funny, but we definitely didn't.
This One Sounds On You
Many years ago: 2 friends & I went into a Chinese resteraunt late at night. Being young (and probably not entirely sober), we were not concerned if it was close to closing time. However, the hostess greeted us with a smile, showed us to a table, and brought us water. We waited for menus....and waited....and waited. Then, the lights started turning off in the dining area, while we heard 3-4 people, argueing in Chinese in the back somewhere.....we just slinked out the front door quietly.
That's "Snot" My Plate...season 13 pizza GIFGiphy
It had an open kitchen where you could watch the chef work. She had a runny nose and would wipe the snot with the back of her hand. She did this while she was putting food on the plates.
Who Ordered Their Steak White?
I ordered a steak. A beef steak. Which is typically red or brown, at least it had been every other time I had a steak in my life. We waited nearly an hour and finally get our food.
My steak is white. I stare at it. It looks like it could be chicken but the striations of the meat don't look like chicken at all. I poke it. It's cold. I'm temporarily transfixed by my confusion.
My husband says, "My meatloaf has a hair on it." I say, "My steak is white." He looks at it, prodding it with his fork. "...Why?" I'm still staring at it. Everything on my plate is completely cold, there's even a little frozen spot on my supposedly steamed vegetables. I push my plate away. "Yeah, I don't wanna know."
The manager apologized but explained nothing. He said he'd take the food off our checks and we left and never went back.
Excuse Me, We're Teenagers?
This was both pretty cool but also pretty disappointing.
When my friends and I were about to graduate high school, we and my one friend's mother all pulled funds together to go on a trip to Japan. While we were there, I had my 18th birthday. To celebrate, we walked around Tokyo looking for a restaurant to eat in.
We found a teppanyaki-style restaurant and were really excited to sit down until we looked through the menu. It was very limited, but the prices were unreal. One option was a steak meal that was 10,000 yen (~$100 USD). Way too expensive, so we kindly apologized, then gathered ourselves up and left.
What's Better Than A Whole Cockroach In Your Food?
Roach in the salad. At least it was whole. This was a highly recommended Italian place. After I told my friend who'd recommended it what happened he said, "oh yeah, I did hear they were under new management"...thanks.
Butter On Everything
everything either had butter or onions or milk in it... or all of the above
So I ordered a hand-made BLT with no butter, just bacon, lettuce, tomato and bread.
It showed up toasted with butter and a sprinkling of cheese.
I made a scene. A big one. I yelled at the cooking staff then went out back and turned the lock-out on their natgas.
The butter on the toasted bun... plausible stupidity like cheese appearing on regular whoppers because the hands do that.
BLT don't have sprinklings of cheese.
This Is The Kind Of Thing You Imagine Happening
Went to Denny's for breakfast in the San Antonio, TX area circa 2003. Ordered my food. Waited for about 45 minutes before manager stands in middle of restaurant apologizes and announces that the entire kitchen staff have quit on the spot and there are no replacement morning cooks. If we wish to still have our meals it would be at least another hour wait since the manager would have to cook everything himself. About 90% of the customers left. It was an interesting experience.
When Someone Gets Stabbed Then It's Time To Go
The table next to me had a party of ten people. An argument started between them and a couple seated next to them. One guy at the table of ten picked up a knife and stabbed the man at the other table about five times. Figured it was time to go.
Escaping Before They Pour The Water
The menu didn't have any prices listed. It was my birthday, and my friend had insisted on picking up the tab. I knew it was kinda swanky, but I saw her face and knew how I'd feel in the same boat. I just said the place felt a little too stuffy and sterile and asked if we could go somewhere else. We slipped out before the waiter got back and ended up having a great night without embarrassing or possibly bankrupting my friend.
Want To Learn Something Awfulhomer simpson simpsons GIFGiphy
I was with a group of friends and when we walked in one of them said "Idk about this place, it smells like roaches" we all looked at her funny and kind of chuckled because we didnt think she was serious-none of us have ever SMELLED roaches before.
She explained that her family owned a terminix type business and that SMELLING roaches was definitely a thing but we agreed to give it a shot.
We were seated, got our drinks and were looking over the menu when a roach appeared on the wall behind me. Without hesitation I told them I couldn't do it, she was right and I would politely wait outside for them to finish their meal. Instead, everyone quickly followed and we found another place to go as a group.
And that was the day I learned roaches had a smell. I will NEVER question someone again if they tell me a place smells like roaches. I was so grossed out.
Want to "know" more? Never miss another big, odd, funny, or heartbreaking moment again. Sign up for the Knowable newsletter here.
Reddit user tjeast asked: 'What did you find out after a first date that was a deal-breaker?'
As much as we would love to be able to date one person, for that to be the right person for us, and for the two of us to get on with our life together, we all know it's going to take at least a few tries to find the perfect match.
But some of these matches make us want to throw in the towel.
You've got to listen to your gut (and your eyes) when you sense a red flag.
Redditor tjeast asked:
"What did you find out after a first date that was a deal-breaker?"
Just... A Couple... Of Red Flags
"I found out that he had restraining orders against him from not one, but two exes. He also asked if he could move in with me on the first date."
An Ex Collector
"On the surface, he was a lawyer with an Ivy League degree. Then just one layer deep, he had six kids with five different women."
"One of his exes hated him so much that she took their kids to Germany to get away from him."
"And the kicker (yes, more than the Germany ex)? His youngest was six months old and he was sleeping on his latest ex's couch."
"I met up for drinks with a woman, and she started telling me about how she thought I’d get along with her brother. After a couple of drinks, we ended up at the bar where her brother worked. He's a h**l of a guy."
"We kept playing hair metal on the jukebox and drinking beers. She went from saying I would get along with her brother to I remind her of her brother. The more she drank, the more she said it."
"We ended up making out, and she started repeating the s**t about her brother while trying to get something going with me."
"I made sure she got home safe, but that s**t creeped me out so much that I never spoke to her again."
"Prior to our first date, he said he didn't have any kids."
"While he was driving me home after our first date, he mentioned that he hated letting his baby mama use his car because she always messed with the radio stations and that it took forever to get his seat adjusted back to how he liked it."
"I was just out of high school and wasn't looking to date anyone with kids. With how disrespectful he was during our date, finding out that he had a kid was an automatic deal breaker for me."
"He then kept calling and texting me and after I blocked his number he kept creating new social media accounts to get a hold of me because he wanted to go for a second date and kept bringing up that he was making good money so I'd be an idiot to say no to him."
Specific Looks Wanted
"My date kept trying to braid my hair, lol (laughing out loud). At first, it seemed weird, but not like a deal-breaker, but then he KEPT asking."
"The first time he asked, we were walking through the park, and I was telling a story, but he interrupted me, asking, 'Can I please braid your hair?'"
"I laughed, politely said no, and continued talking, but he kept interrupting, asking to braid my hair."
"I asked why, but all he said was, 'I just want to braid it,' and kept reaching for my head. I swatted his hand away a few times, and when that didn't work, I told him I was ready to go home."
"It was so creepy!"
Her Body, Not His Plans
"He told me that he couldn’t wait to have kids with me and that he had picked out our kids’ names."
"When I told him that this was our first date and that I wasn’t sure about kids and that this was a super creepy thing to say to me, he insisted it was my duty as a woman and that it would make me very happy."
"Yeah, there was no second date."
Just Practicing for Thanksgiving!
"He was a felon. He had a really unbelievable story about being locked out of his ex’s house and he broke in while JUST HAPPENING to be holding a rifle from Turkey hunting. Terrifying."
Very Different Interests
"She got off on watching the guys she was with get in fights. She gave some dude the come-f**k-me eyes and then expected me to brawl when he came up to hit on her. F**k no, girl, maybe you can catch a ride home with him."
No Third Wheels
"Her other guy showed up in the middle of our date. She said, 'Can I talk with him for a minute?'"
"I said, 'Sure,' and then walked out the door and never looked back."
Not a Good Morning
"She was married. We met at a bar and left together. We went and had dinner, saw a movie, and she spent the night."
"The next morning she said, 'I wonder if my husband figured out I didn’t come home.'"
"Then she asked me for a ride to work, and I got a ticket because she didn’t wear her seatbelt."
"He asked me to pay for his court fees, that was my turn-off, so I wanted to leave to end the date."
"I said my goodbyes, and then he threatened to tell the whole restaurant I was having an affair and cheated on him if I left."
"I stayed in fear of embarrassment."
"Later, I excused myself to the restroom where I made my escape to the door. He saw me from the window."
"I saw him coming out, so I ran a bit, and when I looked back, he was chasing me. (I got away, but wow.)"
Supporting the Arts
"He was a really bad magician. He brought cards and everything, but he couldn’t land a trick."
"I felt bad and took him up on a second date, but that was it."
"He lost a pile of money in crypto and NFTs. But he still tried to convince me to get my money into it."
"Some people cannot be saved from themselves."
"I think she was in love with her best friend and didn't realize it."
"She told me she and her long-time best friend she called her 'wifey' lived together in a single room with the friend's baby. She said that this friend always comes first and they're inseparable. They also have gotten kicked out like three times from house to house."
"She left the date early because whoever they were renting from was threatening to kick them out."
"We never really talked again but I wanted to tell her she shouldn't be dating because she's already in a relationship."
We've all heard of first date fails, terrible dates in general, and big relationship deal-breakers, but just the same, we can completely understand how these were such major deal-breakers.
From lying about their real life to trying to involve us in something we're not interested in, there are some people who are simply not meant for us because their lives are just too different from ours. And that's okay!
One of the lamest ways to insult someone is by describing their behavior as being gay.
The attempt at emasculating a perceived straight heterosexual male by comparing his actions to something that a homosexual male might do is a common form of mockery by alpha males.
Examples include mocking a guy who gets manicures, wears pink, or sits with his legs crossed. "Gay, gay gay," says the immature antagonizer.
Typically, the ribbing occurs between friends and is not prompted by verbal attacks.
Still, this casual form of bullying can be tiresome and only perpetuates misconceptions and stereotypes that can be harmful to the LGBTQ+ community.
Strangers online shared their experiences being targeted when Redditor Spagoobli0 asked:
"What is the dumbest thing people called you gay for?"
Apparently, maintaining good hygiene is so gay.
"i was called gay for showering daily."
"with other men?"
Scrubbing The Backside
"I was told it was gay to wash my a**. The guy was recently evicted for defecating on his own floor for 6 months and not paying taxes."
"In boot camp we shower with other dudes. I had someone call me gay in the shower for washing my a**. As if the only reason for washing my a** is to make it presentable for someone else. Nah, dude, I just don’t want skid marks in the tighty whities they make us wear."
"It’s not even like I was doing it weird. Like if I was bent over spreading my cheeks so everyone could see my brown eye, that would be one thing. But I literally just took a handful of suds and ran it down the crack a couple times because, pro tip to my fellow dudes; the water running down your back is not enough to clean the part of you that poop comes out of."
"I once had a friend of mine stop by before we were going to meet some people for brunch. I had just taken a shower and gotten dressed when he walked in the front door (I always had a just walk in policy, suburban life). I have pretty dry skin so I was putting on a bit of moisturizing lotion. First words out of his mouth were 'moisturizing? That’s pretty gay isn’t it?' I said 'If feeling like I don’t want to scrape my skin off is gay, whip out the d*cks!'”
Keeping up with appearances is hard enough.
The Damaging Effects
"'Gay' was the first 'dis' I ever heard, I had no idea what it meant for like a year. I just knew it was the worst thing to be. My whole generation struggled with that and I really feel for the people who had to come out to friends and family when I was young, it must have been really tough. I came out as bi about 6 or 7 years ago and that was pretty brutal, and the only reason I came out was because something happened that made it clear I was. Tbh it was f'king humiliating and awful at the time, it really f'ked with my head and my self worth. I am totally, 100% ok with it now, in fact I'm kind of proud I have the balls to tell people I'm bi now. It's become who I am and I'm ok with it.
"Just to be clear I've never had an issue with anybody being gay, at all. It's just for me it was a really difficult thing to deal with. Extremely personal. A lifetime of unconsciously being told gay was 'bad' has an effect on me, I wish it didn't but the truth is it did. I have mad respect for all openly gay and trans people."
Revealing Color Choice
"Had a guy genuinely ask if I was gay because I was wearing a red pair of Vans."
"Maybe he was cruising."
List Of Indicators
"I was a child in the 80s. Calling people gay was standard derogatory talk for checks notes literally everything. Bad play in sport, choice of clothes, hobby, etc."
"I was called gay for about 6 months in middle school for jumping down a hopscotch thing as I walked past it after lunch."
What happens in the bedroom...
"Like giving oral sex to my wife. Will never understand that."
"Fellas, is it gay to go down on a woman?"
"I view it selfishly. It combines the two two things I love the most, eating and having sex. If that makes me gay, so be it."
"They think if you'll do down on your wife you'll go down on a guy?"
"How would the two even translate??"
Even before I came out to my friends as gay, being called anti-gay slurs–even in jest–only suppressed my inclination to want to share my truth.
One of the things I've been mocked for during high school pre-coming out was my love for Disney.
The girls had no problem sharing my passion, but the jocks made fun of me for wearing a Mickey Mouse T-shirt to school, saying I was a "sissy boy" for liking Disney and that only "f*ggots" liked Disney.
Now, I know plenty of demographics–gay and straight, all ethnicities–that universally appreciate Disney. But I have to say, good on them for being accurate in knowing who I was before I did: a proud f*ggot who loves Disney.
All of us have surprising or unusual things people do that turn us on.
These can be simple things, like washing dishes, reaching for something on a high shelf, or pouring a drink which, whether it's the person doing it or the act itself, turns out to be surprisingly sexy.
Rather more interesting, however, are the things people do that draw us to them that aren't remotely sexy at all, but in fact completely wholesome.
Even so, seeing people do these things, or behave in this manner still has the same power to make us fall completely weak at the knees and melt our hearts.
Redditor levoyageursansbagage was curious to hear all of the innocent things that people find utterly alluring, leading them to ask:
"What is the most wholesome behavior you find really attractive?"
Excitement Can Be Infectious
"When people get really excited over something they enjoy."- BoiledCabbage
"Being genuinely excited about something."
"I love me a nerd."- Howdydobe
Loving All Living Things
"It was really hot and little rain for a couple of weeks and we have backyard critters roaming around typical of the suburbs."
"So my wife puts a big Tupperware bowl of water out that she changes daily in case an animal gets thirsty."
"I was looking at it one day and a stick had fallen in the bowl so I went to remove it."
"My wife yells at me, 'No! Don't take the stick out, that's so bees can crawl out if they fall in'."
"I thought it was adorable."- yakfsh1Honey Bee Loop GIF by Kev LaveryGiphy
"When someone remembers a really random small detail I’ve only mentioned once."- Starriyer
Compassion Over Convenience
"Doing the right thing even when it’s inconvenient."
"I was on a date and he took a call from a friend in crisis."
"They worked the problem out and he said 'I love you' to his friend (who said it back)."
"He explained he needed to take the call and apologized that it happened during the date."
"No apology necessary!"
"He demonstrated loyalty and vulnerability and it was incredibly sexy."
"Even better that it’s just who he is; none of it was for show."- Hiberniae
"When someone helps old people."
"Maybe getting up to give their seat to them in a public bus or in general, helping them carry their heavy bags, or something."- itsMat_hi_ka
"When a person knows the right time to simply listen to someone in distress and the right time to offer advice."- Old_Army90Giphy
The Greatest Love Of All...
"My husband will run around playing games with our son in the playground and will fully commit to whatever game that is.'
"There's no standing around talking to the adults, he will get fully involved in the make-believe world."
"10/10, fully present parenting."- Ambivertigo
The Gift Of Laughter
"People that make themselves crack up."
"People with their particular and weird little sense of humor that unashamedly laugh at what they think is so funny."
"Extra points if they’re laughing because of a joke they’re telling themselves."
"It’s my favorite thing to see someone do."
"As long as the joke doesn’t seriously hurt other people."
"I love good dark humor."
"If someone’s genuinely trying to be hateful, it loses appeal completely."- tresjoliesuzanne
"When I'm with my wife at a restaurant and the baby in the next booth is staring at her, she will wave to the baby and make funny faces to get the kid to smile/giggle."
"That."- SadConsequence8476happy baby lol GIF by TheMacnabsGiphy
Heal The World...
"I went backpacking with my boyfriend for the first time recently and I noticed that anytime we came across a little piece of trash on the trail, he would pick it up and put it in his pocket to throw away properly at the first opportunity."
"It just highlighted to me that he was conscientious and kind even when it came to things a lot of people would overlook, and I found that incredibly attractive."- snickerdoodle--
Happiness Comes In Many Forms
"Seeing a man be genuinely happy for someone else, I recently discovered this about myself."- West_Cherry3944
Literal Food For Thought
"A friend of mine has this habit of making sure that everyone around her has eaten on time."
"'A well fed tummy makes the brain think properly'."
"That's her exact words."- in_out_in_out_·Food Cooking GIF by MasterChefAUGiphy
No One Should Take Themselves Too Seriously
"Silliness, the sillier the hotter."- Fearless-Finish9724·
The Epitome Of Selfless
"My husband grew up extremely poor."
"Not homeless but close."
"Whenever we're out and we see someone asking for food, he will quietly walk over and take them to whatever restaurant they want."
"He will then order them whatever they want."
"When we met, he was in grad school and had no money."
"He still did this."
"It made me swoon."- curryp4n
Reading these heartwarming and touching affirmations, it does give one pause that kindness and compassion are considered so unusual.
Even so, no doubt that's what makes selfless, and kind-hearted people so attractive.
With so many couples walking up the aisle—and then sprinting to the courthouse—there’s no shortage of wacky divorce stories. No one knows that better than these divorce lawyers. From hidden fortunes to stuffed animal collections, divorce lawyers have seen it all. Attorney-client privilege or not, these stories are just too insane not to share…
Ashes To Ashesround grey stainless steel saucer on brown wooden surfacePhoto by Brooks Rice on Unsplash
I had a husband and wife go toe-to-toe over an ashtray they got in Las Vegas. The couple spent nearly $5,000 for me and another attorney to duke it out in court over the silly trinket. Prior to proceeding, I explained that it would be cheaper to fly me to Vegas and get an identical ashtray. The husband said he didn't care about the costs—and his reasons were deeply malicious.
It turns out that the husband had other intentions for their marriage memorabilia. When he won, he smashed the ashtray on the steps of the courthouse. He laughed and said the look on his wife’s face was worth much more than $2,500. People get crazy in divorce proceedings.
Until The Grave Do Us Part
I wouldn't recommend it, but one of the best ways to stick it to your ex is to kick the can during a messy divorce. In my client's case, the court had orally declared a couple to be divorced. Sadly, before they could finalize the official paperwork, the husband went to his grave. The courts spent two years figuring out how to proceed and made a divisive decision…
The court decided that the wife had to divide everything 50/50 with her deceased husband. And to think, if he had passed two weeks sooner, she would have avoided years of court hearings, thousands in fees, and kept everything for herself.
I’ll Never Let You Go…To The Marriott Hotel
My aunt has been divorced for quite some time, but you wouldn’t know it. She’s still driving her attorney crazy with her requests. Most recently, she took her ex-husband to court. Her motive was ridiculous. She wanted to know where he was working and when, all so that she could have her private investigator keep an eye on him and his new girlfriend.
She should have just let it go…she got the house, the kids, the boat, and even the Marriott International points.
“X” Marks The Spot…
I worked a divorce case that went to trial. The parties owned a business together, which they started during the marriage and which was their sole source of income. Obviously, the biggest issue was who was going to keep the business. While the divorce proceeded, the General Magistrate ordered my client to keep running the business and to pay the wife temporary alimony. If only it had ended then.
At trial, we went in front of a judge instead of the General Magistrate. This judge was older with poor memory and was fairly new to family law. She ended up giving the wife the business and ordering my client to pay the wife alimony! How is someone supposed to pay alimony if you take away their only source of income for the last 10 years?
I filed a motion for rehearing but the judge denied it. As if that was bad enough, do you want to know the cherry on top of this triple-layered divorce cake? The judge awarded my client his home that he had inherited from his grandmother. The wife had been living in there during the divorce proceedings, and the judge gave her 30 days to move out.
Well, she stayed until the last possible day. When my client went back to the home, the wife had completely destroyed the inside. She took a screw driver and scratched an “X” on the surface of all of the furniture and the walls. My client ended up leaving the country.
I’m Giving You The Cold Shoulder
I once represented one party in a divorce. While the divorce proceedings were on-going, the couple still lived together pending the sale of their family home. But just because they lived together did not mean that they were on speaking terms. In fact, they would not speak to one another for any reason whatsoever. Things were so bad that I even had to negotiate terms for sharing refrigerator space.
Don’t Be A Baby, Babywhite and brown bear plush toysPhoto by MChe Lee on Unsplash
The court ordered this couple, who had been divorced for four months, to divide up their Beanie Baby Collection, valued somewhere between $2,500 and $5000…and they were seemingly unable to do so by themselves. The couple spread out the collection on the floor and divided up one by one under the supervision of a Family Court Judge.
The Couple That Divorces Together, Stays Together
I worked as a courtroom clerk when I was in college. A couple filing for divorce were arguing over custody of their son. I thought it would be the normal "I won’t let you see him,” and name-calling nonsense, but I was in for a surprise. The mom wanted the dad to spend more time during the holidays together—all three of them. But the dad had demands of his own…
The dad in this strange divorce proceeding wanted the same thing as his maybe-ex-wife. He also wanted the family to spend more time together…just more frequently. The couple ended up reconciling and agreed to couples’ therapy before the divorce procedure went further. They came back a month later to withdraw the divorce proceeding. All is well that ends well.
My friend is a divorce lawyer. They had a client whose former spouse brutally attacked them. Apparently, the former spouse blamed the divorce attorney for “taking him to the cleaners” in the divorce. The worst part is that the lawyer was at the grocery store doing his weekly food shopping with his wife and kids during the attack.
The Honeymoon That Never Ends
I represented the husband in a divorce. During the proceedings, we tried to get the court to eliminate his spousal support obligations. His wife, however, insisted that she needed the support…and wait until you hear why. The whole process took way longer than it should have because his wife was taking vacations to Mexico at least once every month.
The Wedding Photographer
I represented the husband in a divorce. On the day of the trial, opposing counsel presented shocking evidence. The wife’s attorneys produced photographs that they claimed proved adultery. The photos were of my client, the husband, wearing lingerie and a long brown wig, engaging in act of intimacy with another man. I was able to successfully exclude this from evidence...because the wife was the photographer.
And…The Honeymoon Is Overwoman signing on white printer paper beside woman about to touch the documentsPhoto by Gabrielle Henderson on Unsplash
I worked for a law firm while in college. We had a client who had just come home from a two-week vacation with his wife. But she wasn’t going to be his wife for much longer. As soon as they pulled into the driveway, his wife’s lawyers served him with divorce papers and a temporary restraining order. His wife didn't say a word and just went into their house.
The poor guy came straight to our office and was massively confused. What happened on that vacation?
Please Play Nice
My first trial. My client’s husband was suing her for divorce. Her soon-to-be ex-husband was alleging habitual cruelty and inhumane treatment. When I heard what he had to say, my jaw-dropped. I had to agree with him. Her husband was claiming that she had grabbed him in a sensitive area really, really hard and hurt him on purpose.
What’s more, I had to cross examine him about it. Awkward.
Call Me, Maybe?
I had a client whose soon-to-be-ex-husband used her email address and phone number to sign her up for every bank, loan, religious, mental illness, and adult site he could think of. These companies bombarded her about their products and services. He even put out her information on Craigslist. The joke was on him though…she actually went out with a guy who contacted her!
Grab Your Pitchforks…
I’ve been a divorce lawyer for more than 20 years, so I've seen it all. I once represented a husband divorcing his wife of over 35 years. At mediation, they divided up about a half million in assets within 30 minutes—and then things went south. They spent the next two and half hours fighting over a couple of hurricane glasses from Pat O'Brien's and a pitchfork.
$1,000 in attorney fees later, they settled…and then got remarried anyway.
40 Acres And A Whole Lot Of Revenge
I knew a wealthy land owner who went to some extreme lengths to get even after a divorce. He lost his home to his ex-wife in the divorce proceedings but kept his trump card. He was able to keep the rest of the undeveloped neighborhood land and turned it into an industrial park. In other words, he surrounded his ex-wife’s huge house with a ton of factories.
Run Away Wifeman in red and white checkered dress shirt wearing black fedora hatPhoto by Andres Siimon on Unsplash
My uncle is a divorce lawyer, but not a very good one. He represented a couple who had recently started getting into some problems. The wife had had enough of married life and just left one night. Her husband was through with her since she left, and went to my uncle for a divorce. My uncle agreed but he kept delaying because he had plans of his own.
While my uncle stalled the husband, he came up with an ingenious plan. He did what he knew was in everyone’s best interest. My uncle hired a private investigator to search for the missing wife. Fortunately, he eventually found her and talked her into going back to her husband. Things worked out in the end…but my uncle might be the worst divorce lawyer in the country.
Sharing Marriages Makes For Caring Marriages
How much time do you have? Over the course of my career, I’ve seen nearly a dozen wife-swaps. And it’s just as weird as it sounds. Usually, the husband will cheat on his wife with his friend’s wife. This causes a divorce for both parties, and their respective spouses (wife of first party and husband of second) end up getting together. Happens quite often for whatever reason.
Divorce, The Family Game
I saw a mother and father live together during a divorce and fight over the location of their children’s Xbox and Wii. At first, the gaming consoles were in the family living room. The father then put the consoles in his bedroom so that the children would spend all of their time in his bedroom. The mother literally went to court to have the Xbox and Wii returned to the living room. They spent thousands on this.
Debarred And Divorced
I'm not a lawyer, but I’ve got a story about one. There was a case in which a man found out that his wife was having an affair. Heartbroken, the man found a divorce lawyer. In court, the husband learned a brutal truth. His lawyer was the man his wife was having the affair with. Of course, the lawyer got his license taken away after that.
Off To Sunny Mexico
I’m a family law paralegal. We had a client whose husband had taken her kids on an unscheduled bus trip to Mexico. We expedited everything. I went above and beyond for this woman—even contacting attorneys in the deep south of Mexico and writing out very clear instructions to get back her kids. As it turns out, our client was no victim.
This woman had physically accosted her husband because he confronted her about sleeping with his brother. Now you see why the husband packed up and took the kids.
The Most Expensive Therapy Everpotato chips in bowlPhoto by Emiliano Vittoriosi on Unsplash
My client (the husband) was living in the same house as his wife throughout the divorce proceedings. He'd call me and complain about things like: his wife ate a bag of chips and didn't replace it, she invited one of her friends over who he disliked, she binged watched TV instead of fixing dinner, etc., etc. He paid me $250/hour for the privilege of venting over the phone to an attorney.
Why So Salty?
One of my father's friends tried to “salt the earth” before getting divorced. He transferred the deeds to a rental house and a cabin to relatives and sold the family cars to relatives for tiny sums…and he was just getting started. He put stocks in a trust “for the children” and vanished a chunk of cash from the company he co-owned with his wife.
He even stopped paying himself a salary, electing to burn through their personal savings for over a year instead. Well, he might have salted the earth but he was in for just desserts. When the divorce proceedings went to court, he learned that judges really, really hate it when you try to play dirty games. Turns out that hiding or intentionally diminishing assets is actually not a good idea.
In fact, judges will absolutely refer you to prosecutors. I don't think that he spent time behind bars, but his ex-wife did get everything, plus the satisfaction of firing him from his own company.
Let’s Break Up The Bank
A friend of mine is a divorce lawyer. His favorite story is the time that the husband in a bitter divorce said that he would “out-lawyer” his wife and break the bank before giving her anything she wanted. He said this in front of my friend, her lawyer. My friend looks at the wife and says, "I'm working for you pro bono (free) from this moment forward."
Think About The Children
I took a domestic relations class run by a retired judge who told us a few good stories. My favorite was a story where both parties in a divorce were acting unreasonably and not thinking of the kids. In the end, the judge awarded the house to the kids who would live there permanently while the parents—who had joint custody—would take turns living there.
The best thing was that neither party could afford to buy an additional place, so they had to rent a small flat together and also share that.
I had a case in where husband found some incriminating texts on his wife's phone. He suspected that she was cheating on him with some guy. What’s more is that he also got the impression that his sister-in-law (his brother’s wife) might be in on it in some way. He and his brother end up hiring a private investigator to tail both of their wives to get to the truth. But the truth can hurt…
The brothers essentially confirmed that both women were seeing other people. My client’s sister in-law admitted to carrying on an affair. His brother attempted to reconcile but eventually filed for divorce. My client’s wife admitted that she was looking for an affair but only "met for some kisses" and she "touched him a little bit.” He filed for divorce anyway.
To The Clink!boy sitting while covering his facePhoto by Ksenia Makagonova on Unsplash
My dad is a retired lawyer and he got this story from a judge. A man and a woman went through an unhappy divorce, and their poor kids got stuck in the middle. The wife got custody and the man got visitation rights but, apparently, that wasn’t good enough for her. She made parental alienation her goal in life. So, her ex-husband took her to court over this and she actually ended up behind bars for contempt more than once.
The judge who told this story to my dad finally told the man, "I can throw her back in prison as many times as you want, but there's no winner in this."
I Want The News, Not The Weather…
I used to work for a judge when two prominent local news personalities were getting a divorce. They filed for mutual restraining orders against each other for an unspecified use of force. The filings were vague on details but still managed to convey a sense of savage levels of blood. When the time came for the hearing, it turned out that the use of force they were referring to was spitting.
Specifically, during a heated argument, flecks of spittle managed to touch the other party. The judge denied the restraining orders, and both parties' attorneys probably bought new yachts. Such is justice in a divorce.
That’s Not My Name
This is the story of a potentially thwarted divorce case. A man and his fiancée were buying a house together. They got to the paper where you sign off on all your aliases. In a Mr. & Mrs. Smith-worthy turn of events, the woman had a full-page's worth of former names. The guy asked, "What is this?" The woman's response made his blood run cold.
She nonchalantly replied, "Oh, I've been married five times before." The guy got up and walked out. Crisis averted.
“Extra! Extra! Read All About It!”
I was a secretary for an attorney. Divorce can be pretty depressing but it can also be a real laugh. I think that the most entertaining divorce story was when a guy had to get creative in divorcing his wife. He had to have the divorce papers sent to her the newspaper because she wouldn't leave the house or answer the door for the process server.
And Your Little Dog Too…
My friend’s firm handled the divorce of an extremely rich man who claimed his wife was cheating on him. The lawyer proceeded to ask him about his assets and what he wanted to keep. The man said that his wife could have the house, the car, the boat, the kids, etc. Given that he seemed willing to give up everything, the lawyer asked him what he wanted to keep. Not even Cruella de Ville would have asked for this.
After the man’s lawyer asked him what he wanted to keep in the divorce, the man angrily responded, "My wife only loves her dog. I want her to suffer so I want the court to order that the dog be taken away from her and cremated. She can have 50% of the ashes and I'll have the other 50%." What would have happened if his wife only loved their kids?
Micro Aggressionswoman in black jacket standing beside green plantPhoto by Karsten Winegeart on Unsplash
I represented a woman who was convinced that her husband was the real-world equivalent of Lex Luthor or something. She claimed that he had implanted micro-robots in her brain and was trying to control her. She would bring us all of this nanotechnology and try to convince us that it was possible. She dragged the case out for four years. We almost had to get a conservator for her estate.
I’m A Professional
My first divorce case was the most memorable. My client was a nice looking, 50ish waitress who was breaking hearts at the local small-town cafe. She was on divorce number five. I had a little lawyer kit of things she should do such as clean out the joint accounts, change the car title, etc. To my surprise, she had done all of them…plus a few things I hadn’t thought of.
“Husband No.5” came into my office to cry and concede everything. Now that was a guy who needed a lawyer with a list. Suffice to say, our client got everything she was, or might have been, entitled to plus a little more.
I was a family law attorney for years. It was nasty all the time, which is why I finally switched to a different area. But not before this crazy couple…I worked a divorce where the ex-couple lived together after their divorce. It wasn’t for love. It was just pure and simple spite. Neither wanted to move. I believe they still live together.
Leaving The Nest
I once interned for a small family firm and had some really odd stories. This attractive lady relocated from Florida to the mountains of Virginia with her husband to restart their relationship. Unfortunately, they were moving in with her parents and had not found a new place to live yet. Well, the move didn’t help and they ended up seeking a divorce.
He ended up kicking the woman out of the house. Yeah, you read that correctly, he kicked her out of her parents’ house.
Failed Marriages And Flat Tires
This wasn’t my case, but I overheard it in divorce court once. While separated, a guy went around to his wife's house and took revenge on her car. Apparently, in an act of brazen post-marital rage, he slashed her tires. And if you were thinking about calling the authorities, you’ll have no luck there. He was a law enforcement officer. That’s just crazy.
The Defenestration Separationbeige 2-story housePhoto by Jessica Furtney on Unsplash
I would never disclose a client's details because, you know, confidentiality. But I did have a mediation professor who told me this gem of a divorce story. She was mediating a divorce and the couple was so close to making a settlement. Until it all went out the window…literally. You see, this couple had purchased a lovely Victorian home together.
The husband, while unemployed, had painstakingly restored all of the old windows. Restoring the windows was a very time-consuming and labor-intensive task. Fast-forward to division of assets: The couple agreed to split the sale of the house equally, but he demanded a larger share because of the value of the windows. She said she should have that money, because she was supporting them at the time.
He returned that she could keep the entire house, but he was getting those windows. Then she said, “You can shove those windows up your...” Well, anyway, you get the idea. They went back and forth while my poor professor tried to mediate them into a neutral position.
That’s Just Pea…NUTS!
I worked a divorce case that was frustrating enough to make anyone pluck out their eyelashes. It took the couple two hours to decide who would get the groceries left in the fridge. The estimated value of the groceries was around $40. Two hours of my time, opposing counsel’s time, and mediator time added up to about $1,000. It all came down to an oversized jar of peanut butter.
All I could think of the whole time was, “Who keeps peanut butter in the fridge?!”
The Hand That Feeds You…
I once had a case where the estranged wife just didn’t know what was good for her. She was calling my client's employer repeatedly, accusing him of theft and other white-collar crimes to try to get my client fired. The funny thing about it all was that she was also demanding child support…which was based on my client’s income. Income from the job from which she was trying to get him fired.
A Hairy Situation
My dad was a divorce lawyer. He had a client who wanted to divorce her husband for two very odd reasons. For one, she claimed that he did not have enough hair on his chest. And the second reason was that he did not drive fast enough. In all fairness, this was 1970s when chest hair was a bit more important. The speeding thing, that I can’t explain.
Fighting For Fido
I was in a mediation once where it took the couple an hour and a half to split their personal property, retirement accounts, real property, and custody of their six-month-old son. The rest of the day, about four hours, they spent arguing about how to split the time with the dog. For the kid they just said, "as agreed upon by the parties" but the dog had a strict schedule.
Join The Mickey Mouse Club…Of Divorceboy leaning on white chairPhoto by Chinh Le Duc on Unsplash
I was a clerk for a family court judge. Believe me when I say that the kids always suffer in a divorce. We had a woman go to extreme lengths to spite her ex-husband, even if it meant disappointing her daughter. She even tried to get an injunction to keep the father from taking their daughter on a trip to Disney World. Like it is whenever love ends, it was so sad.
There are so many crazy divorce stories and they always bring out the absolute worst in couples. Like this one: A couple did their will with our firm. We drafted everything for them as they were an older couple; they had been married for 40 years total. The husband wanted us to put in his will that his kids get his entire estate, with one small caveat: He did not want us to tell his wife.
Instead, he wanted to have us make a secret will and a fake will. He had a whole plan. He would sign the fake will with her present, and then we would shred it. Then he would come in later to sign the "real will.” There was just one hitch in his Ocean’s Eleven scheme…he copied his wife on the email. Two weeks later, he called us and said he wanted to file for divorce.
Attorney On Demand
A previous client of ours was livid that his wife was cheating on him. She wanted a non-contested divorce and wanted to use my boss specifically because she knew he was a great lawyer. So, our client pretended to go along with her terms but contacted us literally two days before his wife and retained us. He said he didn't care how much money the retainer was going to be.
He just wanted my boss so his wife couldn't have him as a lawyer. He called and paid first, so he won that battle.
The Love Has Dried Up
My aunt was a divorce lawyer. She worked a case where the wife glued all of the outdoor hoses together so that her husband wouldn’t spend any more time washing his car. When the glue didn’t work, she just cut up the hoses instead. And when this woman’s husband bought new hoses, she finally filed for divorce. The only question I have is…”Was it a nice car?”
Bear With Me
I used to clerk for a judge, and we had a week-long divorce trial between a couple. The husband was a wildlife photographer and the wife was a stay-at-home wife who “remodeled” the house. They had no kids. Anyway, one day the husband was photographing a grizzly bear but must have gotten a little too close and the bear mauled him.
He spent several months in the hospital and rehab. As if surviving a bear attack wasn’t enough, his wife had him served with divorce papers shortly after he got out of rehab. Of course, she wanted half of everything. The guy had lost an eye…what more could she possibly have taken?
Plastics Are Foreverbrown round bowl on white tablePhoto by Magic Bowls on Unsplash
Neither side would follow the court orders. When they had to go back to court, they were fighting over the husband’s grandmother's bowls. I assumed for weeks that these bowls were some sort of heirloom or expensive china. When they finally brought the bowls into the courtroom to swap them, I discovered that they were Tupperware. Who knew plastic was more precious than diamonds?
My client was the outrageous one in this story, and my heart went out to his poor wife. My client had OCD which manifested primarily in the family finances. He made their lives a penny-pinching nightmare. For example, he was obsessed with avoiding unnecessary driving, so he cut the whole family’s hair at home and never let them eat at a restaurant or go to the movies. That wasn’t even the strangest thing.
Weirdest of all, he kept one toilet paper roll on him at all times, and you had to get one square from him before you could go to the bathroom. He never gave more than one square. His wife finally got tired of him and left him when he gave her bangs during an in-home haircut. Even their daughter was so traumatized by the whole toilet paper thing they couldn’t potty train her.
Being such a miser, he viewed my whole job as a divorce attorney as an unnecessary expense.
Shaking Like A Dog
My mom was a divorce lawyer. One specific story I remember was about a couple fighting for custody of their dog. The guy already lost custody of the children and then lost the case for custody of the dog. When the ex-wife’s mother came to pick up the dog, he told her that she could get him out of the freezer...Yes, that’s right, he froze the dog.
The Frog That Hopped Away
I once worked an interesting—and very, very sad—divorce case. It’s not uncommon for parents to fight over custody in a divorce, but that’s not what happened this time…not at all. My client and their spouse had a son that they named Snoop Frog (I kid you not) and sadly, neither of them wanted custody. Honestly, it was nothing that a name change couldn’t fix.
Not A Lucky Divorce
This woman won $1.3million in a lottery pool and filed for divorce 11 days later. She never mentioned her lottery winnings to her husband. She also did not disclose the proceeds during the divorce. She would have gotten away with it too, if it hadn't been for a letter that arrived at their former marital residence over two years after the divorce…
The letter was an offer to buy out her lottery annuity with a lump sum payment. The husband promptly lawyered up and the family court awarded 100% of the prize proceeds to him.