'Trump Walked Into A Bar': 24 Funny People Share Their Favourite Trump Jokes Of All Time
Since Donald Trump announced his intent to run for US President, American talk shows and comedians have had a field day making fun of his illegal activity, exaggerated stories, flat out lies, lifestyle, tax evasion, the list goes on and on. It's been a golden age for Stephen Colbert, Seth Meyers, Samantha Bee, and every other TV host who now has mountains of material to work through each night. But it's not just TV hosts and their writers who have a few wise cracks up their sleeves.
The subreddit r/jokes is FILLED with Drumpf jokes. Here are some of the most popular ones.
Bush, Obama and Trump go to a job interview with God...
God asks Bush: "What do you believe in?" Bush answers: "I believe in the free market, and the strong American nation!" "Very well", says God. "Come sit to my right."
Next, God asks Obama: "What do you believe in?" Obama answers: "I believe in the power of democracy, and equal rights for all." "Good", says God. "You shall sit to my left."
Finally, God asks Trump: "What do you believe in?" Trump answers: "I believe you're sitting in my chair."
RifRifRif
A Mexican kid meets Donald Trump and says to him, I want to be President one day. Trump says, Are you stupid? Are you an idiot? Out of your mind?
The kid replies, You know what, Ive changed my mind. Those are too many requirements.
akifafzal16
So Barack Obama and Donald Trump somehow ended up at the same barber shop...
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn nasty. As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Donald was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, "No thanks. My wife, Melania, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel." The second barber turned to Barack and said, "How about you, Mr. Obama ?" Barack replied, "Go right ahead, my wife Michelle doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like."
Cooking_Drama
Steve Jobs would have been a better president than Donald Trump. But it's a silly comparison really, it's like comparing apples to oranges.
L0veToReddit
Breaking News: Bill Gates has agreed to pay for Trump's wall... On the condition he gets to install windows.
drugsondrugs
President Trump had yet another awkward moment today.
Apparently there was a crying baby at one of his rallies, and Trump actually kicked it out, saying "Get that baby out of here."
It backfired when the Secret Service tried to remove Trump.
-Jimmy Fallon
Trump: The less immigrants that come in, the better
Pence: The fewer
Trump: I told you not to call me that yet
subtone
The Pentagon is changing the nuclear codes to over 140 characters so Trump can't tweet it.
Figwun
Donald Trump may be running for President. He said he's sick and tired of the rest of the world laughing at the United States. Well, President Trump will certainly put an end to that!
- David Letterman
Looks like Trump is keeping up Michelle's ideals of getting America fit again.
One day in office and he has thousands of people getting up and going out for walks on this beautiful Saturday morning.
free_source
There's a term for Presidents like Trump. Probably not two terms though...
MorsJanuaVitae
Donald Trump is visiting a elementary school and he visits one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks Mr Trump if he would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy."
So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy." "No," says Mr Trump, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explains the exalted businessman. "That's what we would call a great loss." The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Mr Trump searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: "If a private jet carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy." "Fantastic!" exclaims Mr Trump, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?" "Well," says the boy, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."
JayKay80
Donald Trump has labelled Hillary Clinton "disgusting" for taking a bathroom break during the debate. Trump himself never has to go to the bathroom, as the crap just comes straight out of his mouth.
Taptap10
How much is Donald Trump's life insurance?
Just one pence.
charlesmajora
Donald Trump is flying over New York City.
He looks out of the window and says to his family, "You know what, I'm gonna throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy!"
His son looks at him and says, "Dad, why don't you throw two hundred $5 bills out of the window? Then you can make two hundred people happy."
Donald says, "Son, that's a great idea!"
His wife turns to him and says, "Donald, why not throw one thousand $1 bills out the window? You could make one thousand people happy!"
Donald looks at her and says, "Babe, that is a fantastic idea! The best I've heard!"
The pilot turns and looks at Trump and says, "As long as you're at it, why don't you throw your Presidential status out of the window and make millions of people happy?"
SlcCorrado
Curious about whether he would make it two terms, or even the full four years, Donald Trump goes to a fortune teller and asks "When will my job as President end?"
The fortune teller replies: "Your job as President will end on a major Mexican holiday."
Trump asks: "Which Mexican holiday? Cinco de Mayo? Dia de los muertos?"
The fortune teller replies: "ANY day you end your job as President, Donald, will be a major Mexican holiday!"
PlanetVagina
Trump said in his campaign that if I voted for Clinton, I would be stuck with a criminal president under constant federal investigation from day one.
Turns out, he was right. I voted for Clinton and I'm stuck with a criminal president under federal investigation from day one.
creamy_mint_bagel
Trump wants to ban the sale of pre-shredded cheese.
He wants to make America grate again.
ericisaac
Trump calls Angela Merkel's office. Secretary answers.
Trump: "Whats the time difference between Washington and Berlin"?
Secretary: "Just a second, Mr. President…"
Trump: "Thanks"
IltalehdenToimitus
The US Postal Services releases a stamp with a picture of President Trump. But the new stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation.
After weeks of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings:
The stamp is in perfect order. There is nothing wrong with the adhesive. The fact is, people are spitting on the wrong side.
sky_walk
Donald Trump was asked if he could quote any Bible verses.
He replied, "Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Deport him and you do not have to feed him again." Trump 20:16.
JakabBigShow64
What can Donald Trump and I both agree on?
That if Ivanka wasn't Trump's daughter, I would date her.
Captainl53
Trump is kind of like the movie Snakes on a Plane. Sure, the idea is entertaining. But an actual snake on your plane would be terrifying. And that's what's happening now. The plane is American democracy. The snake is Trump.
- Seth Myers
A conversation with God about Trump.
John (while writing Revelations): "So Lord, the end will be signalled by trumpets?"
God: "No... I said Trump/Pence."
John: Yeah, trumpets.
God: "Never mind. They'll know."
AdityaRav
Some of this material has been edited for clarity.
People Explain Which Disgusting Things They Can't Stand But Everyone Else Seems To Love
I eat just about anything, but can't say I'm a fan of okra. Might it have to do with the way it is typically prepared, at least in my experience? It's slimy. It shouldn't be. It would probably taste better fried. But I have friends from the South who swear it is heaven on a plate.
But there's more than food that's disgusting. Like... why do people idolize Joe Exotic, the Tiger King? He's a sexual predator and a criminal. I know we all needed something to watch during lockdown, but damn. Don't tattoo his face on your body!
People shared their opinions after Redditor blackismyfavcolorlol asked the online community,
"What's that one disgusting thing that everybody except you seems to like?"
"It sounds so gross..."
"Deep-fried butter and deep-fried mayonnaise. It sounds so gross but everyone seems to eat it at state fairs or amusement parks."
Yeah... I'll pass.
I love butter. I love mayo. Do they need to be fried, though?
"You know the type..."
"Those social media videos of food being made with so much heavy and greasy s***! You know, the type where it's a whole burger, cooked into a quesadilla with a pound of cheese, then fried and covered in three different sauces."
So unnecessary. And they ultimately become a waste of food because who would actually eat that?
"People who slam..."
"People who slam their friend's faces into birthday cakes. Just stop."
I would be so pissed if I spent so much money on hair and makeup only to have it ruined.
"You know what..."
"You know what I think is sick and weird? Why do some people take pictures of their dead/dying family members? Like "at the hospital with my aunt," and it's pictures of someone's aunt on breathing tubes unconscious. It makes no sense to me why you would take pictures and put them on social media."
"Or parents..."
"Pictures with babies. Or parents creating Facebook profiles in the name of their children, and those children are like... 3 years old, or less."
"Well..."
"Well, I know I can't be the only one that finds them disgusting, but long fake nails. Unless you have a serious case of hand-washing OCD, there is no way that can be hygienic."
How do these people wipe after going to the bathroom?!
"The smell..."
"Truffles. The smell makes my stomach turn. I feel like there has to be some kind of bizarre conspiracy or truffle gatherer lobby or something for them to be so expensive."
"He's a predator..."
"Tiger King.
The guy is a sociopath who manipulated two young straight men into a sexual relationship, which ended in one of them committing suicide. Then he had the audacity to give the most tasteless eulogy in front of the guy's family.
He's a predator and I'm shocked that more non-straight and non-monogamous people aren't speaking up against him being released and getting more screen time."
There are people out there who have gotten tattoos of him. Why would you want a tattoo of a sexual predator on your body?!
"I have so many friends..."
"Whiskey. I have so many friends who love it, but the moment it touches my tongue I gag immediately, regardless of how expensive it is."
Do you hear that sound?
That's me getting ready to hurl.
Have some suggestions of your own? Feel free to tell us more in the comments below!
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How do you tell if someone has a crush on you?
It's not always so easy, and many of us will fumble our way through it. Perhaps our only experience with navigating crushes comes from John Hughes movies (which I don't recommend following).
Oh, and while this isn't a Hughes movie, I would not recommend doing to one's crushes what the nerds do in the terrible Revenge of the Nerds.
Looking for advice? Look no further. You can thank Redditor chaitea_lexax who asked the online community,
"What is a dead giveaway that someone has a crush on you?"
"When they tell you..."
"When they tell you at your 10-year high school reunion after they've married and had several children and it doesn't matter anymore."
This is oddly specific.
Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion this is not.
"When they try to be mean..."
"When they try to be mean to you, you can tell. If they weren't interested, they wouldn't be trying to tease you, they would just ignore you."
Yeah, but I wish people didn't think that was okay. Mind games aren't cool.
"She stayed in my dorm..."
"Well, she changed in front of me, that didn't tip me off. She stayed in my dorm for 5 days, I was none the wiser. She said she wanted to kiss me, I finally figured it out."
"Although..."
"Although this may be more for initial attraction, women tend to 'oh so casually' drop into conversation their relationship status or better yet, lack thereof. It's rarely subtle, but I don't think men do it quite so much."
Interesting!
Well, if you make clear that you're available, then it would make sense that someone might think that you're interested.
"Though the rule of thumb is usually..."
"It's something that can't really be answered as we are all different in our actions and how we interpret things.
Though the rule of thumb is usually if they attempt to spend more time with you and often seek your help, even if you don't know the answer. It's usually a presence thing. Though again, they may just simply enjoy your company and don't like you any more than just a friend."
"If you hang out..."
"If you hang out in the same social circles there are a few sure-fire ways. The one that is really telling is when something funny happens that makes the entire group laugh. If they look at you straight away to see if you found it funny, they're into you."
I had this happen to me a few times. Sometimes it worked out and sometimes it didn't, I'll leave it at that.
"If you have a watch..."
"If you have a watch, look at the time then look somewhere random. Chances are they will also check the time."
"If you have mutual friends..."
"If you have mutual friends or acquaintances it would probably be your friends or their friends giving you hints or teasing that the person is romantically interested in you."
This has happened with some of my friends and it's pretty cute when it's reciprocated!
"I asked my girlfriend..."
"I asked my girlfriend to marry me today and she said yes. I have suspicions she might have a crush."
Plot twist: it's you!
"A girl would always..."
"This happened to me in college. A girl would always glance at me and when we lock eyes she would look away. I asked her out and during our conversation she touched my forearms and thighs a few times."
When it comes to crushes, it's not necessarily one size fits all, so take any and all advice with a grain of salt. You're better off being direct, but that is, of course, easier said than done.
Have some tips of your own? Feel free to tell us more in the comments below!
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You feel safe all the time...
...but the world is more dangerous than you realize. Even the things you don't normally assume to be deadly, the actions you do every day, can lead to some unfortunate injury or, worse, death.
Watch out for springs. Seriously.
Reddit user, u/FrenchDude1000, wanted to know what they should be more careful around when they asked:
What's dangerous but most people don't realize?
Never underestimate the power of nature. Be it living or non-living, the things out in the wild are more ferocious than you realize.
Water Always Wins
"Water, specifically moving water. People have no sense about how powerful large volumes of moving water can be."
"My grandfather used to point out boulders in flash flood channels and ask us how they got there. A flash flood is literally thousands of gallons of water moving with the force of a hurricane, mowing down anything in it path; your odds of survival if you get caught in one are slim to none. Water is no joke!"
pretty-as-a-picThey're Called "Wild" For A Reason
"Chimpanzees."
"Ever since I saw that woman on TV that was ripped apart by her own pet chimp, I swear I would freak out if I ever had to be in the vicinity of a chimp irl. She didn't die but it f-cked her up bad enough that those things scare me. When people use them in music videos or whatever, I always think of that lady."
"It wasn't her chimp - it was her neighbor's. And she was known to the chimp, and had interacted with it for years before, on friendly terms."
"One day it just went, well, ape.."
It's Literally A Big Ball Of Burning Death
"THE SUN. Skin cancer is a major killer that is easily preventable by wearing sunscreen. Sun damage is more significant than many people realize and it's such an easy thing to avoid."
Even The Cute Ones...
"ALL wild animals are dangerous, even if they don't look it. Most people know that large predators like mountain lions and bears are dangerous, but many underestimate herbivores and/or smaller animals like deer and squirrels. A lot of people assume smaller animals/herbivores are tame, and try to get close or even touch them. This is extremely dangerous- these animals don't understand humans, and an animal that feels cornered or threatened will lash out to try and escape. Please keep a safe and respectful distance from any animal you don't know!"
Going to the doctor can feel like a big weight, especially if you don't have the right kind of coverage. That's probably why things like the following can lead to dangerous outcomes.
Brush, Brush, Brush Your Teeth
"An infected tooth."
"True! An abscess under the gum line can literally kill you."
"Argued with a receptionist about this. I had one badly and she said she'd never heard of it killing anyone. Like... yeah, ask your damn boss."
Go For A Walk
"A bad diet and sedentary lifestyle. Most people don't think about how these two can lead to an incredible amount of health problems and how they can remain asymptomatic for years and suddenly have a heart attack or stroke."
And then there's these, typical, every day actions or items we might come into contact with which actually pose more of a threat than we realize.
Watch out for those springs.
Buckle Up
"Driving. The forces involved in driving are way above anything the human body can withstand should things go wrong. All the safety features built into cars lead us to believe that it's a safe activity, which encourages additional risky behaviors like texting. Everybody should be hyper focused while driving down the highway at 80mph, but almost everybody is doing something else in addition to driving."
Buckle Up THE RIGHT WAY
"90% of children are improperly restrained in the car."
"I spent a decade as a CPST and the things I've seen are deeply upsetting knowing they're easily fixable with an hour or two of effort."
"I've seen children internally decapitated. Parents put their kids in car seats forward facing far too early, booster seats before they're truly large enough, coats under the straps, straps never properly tightened."
"Car accidents are still a leading cause of death. The awareness has gotten better in the last 15 years but with plenty of room for improvement."
"If you have a child, please make an appointment with a certified CPST whenever they are big enough for their next seat or seating position. It's worth the effort."
"Also, not every fire fighter is a CPST. The goal is to teach YOU how to install the seat, not to have them do it for you."
Think Of Your Mental Health
"toxic workplace. stay there long enough and you will hate life itself"
"And then the toxic people who say "think about the money" when you mention quitting for your mental health"
Hire A Professional
"Garage door springs will f-ck you up."
"I'm generally a do-it-yourselfer, but I don't mess with breaker boxes or garage door springs."
Be safe out there. You never know when a wild spring is going to jump out of the dark, ready to attack.
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There is a lot to hate about the world today. It seems like around every corner, awful news foretelling the end of the world is playing on every screen.
And we are expected to live in the middle of this? 2020 saw the rise of the term "doom scrolling" because the news about the world was so grim.
Redditor u/MeetMeOnNovember asked:
"What do you hate most about the world today?"
Here were some of the answers.
Money Keeps Coming Out
"Everything is subscription now. And I understand why (good, reliable monthly income for a company) but it feels like everything is turning subscription! Movie services make sense, maybe music, but photoshop? Virtual machines?"
"This is very old school of me but I want to buy something once and then own it. I don't want to pay a monthly price for everything."-cloistered_around
Being Honest
"Honesty and admitting wrongdoing is a liability, wherein the risk outweighs the reward."-liquorlanche617
"Car accidents are the worse. The at fault party will try to do EVERYTHING to pretend they weren't at fault. Insurance cards even tell you to never admit fault."
"I got t-boned by somebody who blew a stop sign and I couldn't believe how much she was trying to blame me when I had no stop and she blew thru hers."
"Cops quickly saw she was using every excuse in the book and luckily I had a couple witnesses who backed my truthful story."-Zealousideal-Wall471
The Plot Of Scream 4
"Not the worst (people have already said it), I hate how normalized wanting/needing to be famous on social media purely for validation (and not for your content) has become."
"I don't mean this as a dig, but if you are making content and want to become famous; you should probably have a marketable skill (comedy, acting, singing, anything else) prior to that instead of trying to make one up after you've got a following."-thehotdeskpodcast
The world today can really be an anathema for our peace.
Narcissism
"Lack of empathy everywhere. Dating, platonic social interactions, workplace, online in general people be treating each other like expendables. I don't know why. Or if the world was always this way and I am only noticing as an adult."-throwaway-_-friend
"It's actually lack of compassion more than empathy. Lots of people know how others feel and don't give a sh*t. What is lacking is people who actually care about what others feel."-touchtheclouds
The Worst Kinds Of People
"How much being a sh*t person is actually celebrated and encouraged....I don't understand this one myself. My coworker is one of those girls that prides herself on being a b*tch."
"She proudly states how many people she's ran out of our workplace, and it blows my mind. 33 and proud of being a mean girl... oof. The worst part is how many people encourage her for being like that."-PUTYOURWHATINMYWHAT
Lies Of Life
"My grandfather raised 8 kids supported his wife, and paid a mortgage on a 40-50 hour a week managers salary at Sears. They had a two weeks interstate vacation every year."
"It wasnt anything lavish, usually they went by station wagon to West Virginia (where my grandparents were from) or they went to Venice, Florida or something."
"But it was still two weeks of vacation for TEN PEOPLE. They never took government assistance."
"That is so far from fantasy these days it's not even fathomable. If somebody put that in a movie most people would be unable to suspend their disbelief. In fact it's absurd to even expect I could support just myself with a comparable job today."-nomoredrinkypoo
The Social Life Is Online
"People exploit social issues and mental health awareness on social media and pretend to care by making posts about them saying they care and are there for those people, but they only make those posts to make themselves look good publicly."
"The fact is most of them do absolutely nothing to help in their personal lives and they often ignore and turn their backs on the very people they publicly claim to care about and have empathy for. Actions speak louder than words."-lostwanderer02
The world's ugliness is more on display than ever before.
Engendering Desperation
"So many people will harm/kill others just for a measly amount of money. Even worse a lot just do it for the fun of it, the money wouldn't even matter to them."
"Every software company I get hired at they are scamming their customers and nobody at the company cares. I use to change jobs, but now I just have to find one that scams the least because they all do in my industry."-P3nNam3
It's Coming Down To Nothing More Than Apathy
"Privacy- It scares me that so many people are surrendering to the idea of being constantly monitored at all times. I was talking with a younger coworker about how I will never have an Alexa or any similar device in my home, since cellphones are bad enough."
"He responded very nonchalantly, 'I've just accepted it at this point.' That bothered me very deeply."
"Big box stores over local stores- I also despise how there's a growing acceptance towards big box corporate stores over local stores."
"I know way too many people who will buy literally everything from Amazon, WalMart, etc because they don't feel like going out and shopping."
"I've lived in a large city for many years, and I'm seeing huge corporation chain stores replacing unique, charming, incredible stores that have been in some communities for decades."
"It's not a good feeling or sight to see when every community you go to begins to be an endless repetition. But everything is cheaper!"
"Yeah, everything also breaks more easily, and specialized workers will be replaced by workers that are just numbers on a corporate spreadsheet who know the company doesn't give a damn about them."
"I know I sound grouchy but it is as if I'm seeing a real degradation and no one seems to care because it's easier or that we should just accept that it's happening."-According_To_Me
Cruelty
"How people think it's okay to film you and invade your privacy. I got into a pretty bad car accident in a busy intersection a few years ago and some aholes decided to film me while laughing."
"I was bleeding from my face and obviously in shock from the incident. The accident was so bad that I had to go to therapy and I stopped driving for years after."
"When I'm having a depressive episode, I can't help but think about how cruel some people are."-MurakamiMadeMeDoIt
The world isn't only ugly, though. The world can have beauty hidden beside the sheer overwhelming darkness of it.
Take a moment to stop and smell the roses, as they say.
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