'Trump Walked Into A Bar': 24 Funny People Share Their Favourite Trump Jokes Of All Time
Since Donald Trump announced his intent to run for US President, American talk shows and comedians have had a field day making fun of his illegal activity, exaggerated stories, flat out lies, lifestyle, tax evasion, the list goes on and on. It's been a golden age for Stephen Colbert, Seth Meyers, Samantha Bee, and every other TV host who now has mountains of material to work through each night. But it's not just TV hosts and their writers who have a few wise cracks up their sleeves.
The subreddit r/jokes is FILLED with Drumpf jokes. Here are some of the most popular ones.
Bush, Obama and Trump go to a job interview with God...
God asks Bush: "What do you believe in?" Bush answers: "I believe in the free market, and the strong American nation!" "Very well", says God. "Come sit to my right."
Next, God asks Obama: "What do you believe in?" Obama answers: "I believe in the power of democracy, and equal rights for all." "Good", says God. "You shall sit to my left."
Finally, God asks Trump: "What do you believe in?" Trump answers: "I believe you're sitting in my chair."
RifRifRif
A Mexican kid meets Donald Trump and says to him, I want to be President one day. Trump says, Are you stupid? Are you an idiot? Out of your mind?
The kid replies, You know what, Ive changed my mind. Those are too many requirements.
akifafzal16
So Barack Obama and Donald Trump somehow ended up at the same barber shop...
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn nasty. As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Donald was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, "No thanks. My wife, Melania, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel." The second barber turned to Barack and said, "How about you, Mr. Obama ?" Barack replied, "Go right ahead, my wife Michelle doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like."
Cooking_Drama
Steve Jobs would have been a better president than Donald Trump. But it's a silly comparison really, it's like comparing apples to oranges.
L0veToReddit
Breaking News: Bill Gates has agreed to pay for Trump's wall... On the condition he gets to install windows.
drugsondrugs
President Trump had yet another awkward moment today.
Apparently there was a crying baby at one of his rallies, and Trump actually kicked it out, saying "Get that baby out of here."
It backfired when the Secret Service tried to remove Trump.
-Jimmy Fallon
Trump: The less immigrants that come in, the better
Pence: The fewer
Trump: I told you not to call me that yet
subtone
The Pentagon is changing the nuclear codes to over 140 characters so Trump can't tweet it.
Figwun
Donald Trump may be running for President. He said he's sick and tired of the rest of the world laughing at the United States. Well, President Trump will certainly put an end to that!
- David Letterman
Looks like Trump is keeping up Michelle's ideals of getting America fit again.
One day in office and he has thousands of people getting up and going out for walks on this beautiful Saturday morning.
free_source
There's a term for Presidents like Trump. Probably not two terms though...
MorsJanuaVitae
Donald Trump is visiting a elementary school and he visits one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks Mr Trump if he would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy."
So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy." "No," says Mr Trump, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explains the exalted businessman. "That's what we would call a great loss." The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Mr Trump searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: "If a private jet carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy." "Fantastic!" exclaims Mr Trump, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?" "Well," says the boy, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."
JayKay80
Donald Trump has labelled Hillary Clinton "disgusting" for taking a bathroom break during the debate. Trump himself never has to go to the bathroom, as the crap just comes straight out of his mouth.
Taptap10
How much is Donald Trump's life insurance?
Just one pence.
charlesmajora
Donald Trump is flying over New York City.
He looks out of the window and says to his family, "You know what, I'm gonna throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy!"
His son looks at him and says, "Dad, why don't you throw two hundred $5 bills out of the window? Then you can make two hundred people happy."
Donald says, "Son, that's a great idea!"
His wife turns to him and says, "Donald, why not throw one thousand $1 bills out the window? You could make one thousand people happy!"
Donald looks at her and says, "Babe, that is a fantastic idea! The best I've heard!"
The pilot turns and looks at Trump and says, "As long as you're at it, why don't you throw your Presidential status out of the window and make millions of people happy?"
SlcCorrado
Curious about whether he would make it two terms, or even the full four years, Donald Trump goes to a fortune teller and asks "When will my job as President end?"
The fortune teller replies: "Your job as President will end on a major Mexican holiday."
Trump asks: "Which Mexican holiday? Cinco de Mayo? Dia de los muertos?"
The fortune teller replies: "ANY day you end your job as President, Donald, will be a major Mexican holiday!"
PlanetVagina
Trump said in his campaign that if I voted for Clinton, I would be stuck with a criminal president under constant federal investigation from day one.
Turns out, he was right. I voted for Clinton and I'm stuck with a criminal president under federal investigation from day one.
creamy_mint_bagel
Trump wants to ban the sale of pre-shredded cheese.
He wants to make America grate again.
ericisaac
Trump calls Angela Merkel's office. Secretary answers.
Trump: "Whats the time difference between Washington and Berlin"?
Secretary: "Just a second, Mr. President…"
Trump: "Thanks"
IltalehdenToimitus
The US Postal Services releases a stamp with a picture of President Trump. But the new stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation.
After weeks of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings:
The stamp is in perfect order. There is nothing wrong with the adhesive. The fact is, people are spitting on the wrong side.
sky_walk
Donald Trump was asked if he could quote any Bible verses.
He replied, "Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Deport him and you do not have to feed him again." Trump 20:16.
JakabBigShow64
What can Donald Trump and I both agree on?
That if Ivanka wasn't Trump's daughter, I would date her.
Captainl53
Trump is kind of like the movie Snakes on a Plane. Sure, the idea is entertaining. But an actual snake on your plane would be terrifying. And that's what's happening now. The plane is American democracy. The snake is Trump.
- Seth Myers
A conversation with God about Trump.
John (while writing Revelations): "So Lord, the end will be signalled by trumpets?"
God: "No... I said Trump/Pence."
John: Yeah, trumpets.
God: "Never mind. They'll know."
AdityaRav
Some of this material has been edited for clarity.
The mark of a great movie is one that you can watch over and over again.
Although, it isn't only great movies that have endless watchability.
Indeed, sometimes the movies we find ourselves wanting to revisit over and over again wouldn't even come close to being on the list of the top ten best films of all time.
But whatever they may, or may not, lack in quality, it's the comfort of revisiting these characters, places, and adventures that make return visits mandatory.
Particularly when we're feeling down.
"What’s your comfort movie?"
As Delicious As All The Food.
"Ratatouille."- somethingexnihilo
"When Dinosaurs Ruled The Earth".
"'Jurassic Park'"
"I could watch it all day every day love that movie."- Time_Restaurant_9776
sexy girls rule GIF"Flames... Flames, On The Side Of My Face..."
"Clue."- Schezzi
A Griswold Family Tradition
"'Christmas Vacation'."-bloodsoed
An Undervalued Disney Gem
"'Treasure Planet'."- NotVeryToastyToast
you got this kingdom hearts GIFGiphyAs Exciting As Finding The Actual Lost City!
"'The Road to El Dorado'."- outerproduct
"Just Too Good To Be True..."
"10 Things I Hate About You."- aestowl
The Magical Neighbor Everyone Wants
"'My Neighbor Totoro'."- pariah164
animation GIF by Fran SoloGiphy"When The Night Has Come, And The Land Is Dark..."
"'Stand By Me'."- ThePowNation
Be they all time classics, or guilty pleasures, we all know the first film we need to put on whenever we need a little pick me up.
As nothing, NOTHING, chases away the blues faster than a trip on the bus with the Spice Girls as they offer a tour of Spice World...
People Confess Which Wildly Popular Things They Have No Interest In
In every generation, there are certain behaviors that are popular among many people. Sometimes, it's the "cool" thing to do. Other times, people just get swept up in the fad.
When I was in high school, the popular thing was to have the funniest Facebook statuses. In college, it was all the rage to smoke pot. By the time I started my first adult job, everyone I knew was watching -- and theorizing about -- Game of Thrones. In my office, you were ostracized if you didn't watch and discuss it every week.
While there's no shame in being into what's popular at the time if it's something that truly interests you, there's also no shame in choosing not to partake in the popular thing.
Redditors certainly believe that, since they broke down which popular things they have no interest in.
Redditor snowmanll00ll was curious about this, so he asked:
"What is something very popular that you have absolutely no interest in?"
Family Celebrity
"YouTube family channels, some of those children will probably grow to resent their parents"
– PlutoTheGod_
"It doesn’t matter the medium, it’s always a douchebag move to exploit your children for your own gain."
– MenosDaBear
I Idolize
"Becoming extremely die hard fans for an idol group or probably anything."
– kobold9070
"Young people giving up their personal freedom and expression for cash and fame seems very wrong, these contracts are horrible, especially in East Asia"
– Sanzhar17Shockwave
Animalistic
"Chasing squirrels around the yard and barking at them once they run up a tree. Seems to be all the rage with my dog though."
– 80burritospersecond
"...you're a cat aren't you?"
– littlemarcus91
Simon Says Follow Me
"Following Influencers"
– sparklingshanaya
"It's hilarious how they actually call themselves 'influencers'. Half the cr*p they do should not be influenced ... especially to younger people! It's kind of weird how they crave that much attention."
– MissyCobain
"Listening to influencers. It’s a barrage of non-stop schilling of questionable investments without them accepting responsibility or facing consequences."
– jmmorart317
Why Are They Here?
"The bachelor and bachelorette tv shows."
– junior_emo_mcgee
"Right? It’s so odd to me like, they’re attractive people but they couldn’t have a relationship without a tv show? So how bad are they really and how many red flags do they have?"
– PlutoTheGod_
The Dark Hole Of Social Media
"TikTok. I just don't want it, and never interested to see what the people there are doing."
"Although, I am aware that if I decided to install it, I might get addicted to it. So no thank you either way."
– GreatNameLOL69
"My older sister almost ALWAYS starts a convo with “I saw this on tiktok that..” at least once at family gatherings, like stfu! I don’t care! A lot of “information” on there is false. But because some random girl on tiktok who said her father's great uncles cousins neighbor is a doctor, I’m supposed to believe it."
– GimmieDatCooch
Your Lungs Thank You
"vaping"
– dourceo
"That’s good you should have no interest in vaping, it’s not meant to do because it’s “popular” or “cool” it’s supposed to help curve and help quit cigarette addiction, which it does do, but just as cigs, people just started doing it to be “cool.""
– lionexx
Let Me Take A Selfie
"Pouting for selfie"
– sparklingshanaya
"A friend got married a couple of months ago, and about 70% of her wedding photos are of her pouting or making duck lips at the camera. For someone who says she loved her wedding, she sure looks sad and/or bored in her photos."
– twothirtysevenam
Tee Off
"Golf. If it’s nice out I have so many other things I could do"
– BulloxBaxter
"I came here to say golf as well. I work in the corporate world and people just don't understand how I don't play golf, it blows their minds. I just don't get the draw though, and it's crazy expensive to go play a round. The excuse people always give me is "it's a great way to get outside!". Well turns out so is hiking or fly fishing and it doesn't cost hundreds of dollars to go stand on someone's lawn."
– EntropyBier
It's A Bird, It's A Plane...
"Superhero movies. I used to love them, but I burned out very quickly when too many were released, and they're really all the same. I do love Deadpool, though."
– BeskarVagina
While I gotta disagree with that one, to each their own.
Just because everyone around you is into the popular thing, doesn't mean you have to be. If you have no interest in what's currently in vogue, that's okay!
Be who you are, not who everyone else wants you to be.
To this day, I get sad when I think of the show Freaks and Geeks and how it was unfairly canceled. Have you seen it? If not, you totally should. Many of the people on the show became huge stars.
Seth Rogen? Linda Cardellini? James Franco? That whole cast is a who's who of great talent. Oh, and the writing? Excellent. It's a show that's funny and has pathos.
People shared their thoughts with us after Redditor me_rebirth asked the online community,
"Which TV show cancelation are you still frustrated about?"
Happy Endings
"Happy Endings. Canceled due to low views, but that was a result of changing around its timeslots, not viewers no longer having interest."
OnlyxCobra17
This would be a good choice for Netflix or Hulu to bring back!
Almost Human
"Almost Human, it had such potential and never even finished its first season."
TheEnigmaShew-xbox
Shown out of order, on Fox which even then had a very poor track record for sci-fi shows!
Infinity Train
"Infinity Train. Very upset to see that canceled. It was such a cool and unique show. I remember reading about all the stuff the creator had planned for the future of the show and seemed like he was really passionate about it and had a lot of story to tell."
thedean246
Not only did it get cancelled due to being "too dark" for children, it also is being wiped out everywhere. It’s sad to see such a good cartoon go.
Arrested Development
"I know they eventually brought it back but Arrested Development should never have been cancelled. New seasons weren’t the same IMO."
Reggaemylilis89
You are correct. It wasn't the same. The first three seasons are pretty impeccable.
Carnivale
"Carnivale. Never got over that one."
[deleted]
This show was so good! Such a shame.
Rome
"Rome. It was cancelled after two seasons because the production costs were too high."
rntopspin100
This is a show that could have easily gone on for at least a couple more seasons. It was fascinating to watch.
Deadwood
"Deadwood. I know they were not following history exactly, but the real town of Deadwood burned the next year. That would have made a great story arc for season 4."
10per
I remember reading this and I think it would have been pretty awesome.
The 4400
"The 4400 (From 2004, not the horrible remake of sorts from last year). At a time when Heroes was dropping the ball in season two, The 4400 kept killing it. And then got cancelled because of the Writers Guild strike."
SuperGAAR
Ah, the strike. Killed off a lot of good television but nothing as pathetically as Heroes. We are all still salty about Heroes all these years later.
Dark Matter
"Dark Matter. The worst part is they actually seemed to have a plan, and things were just heating up. The cliffhanger they ended on haunts me."
[deleted]
I scrolled so far to find this! Netflix had the gall to add a cancelled show to its catalog and now I have to live with the fact that I'll never see the ending!
Mindhunter
"I really want the third season of Mindhunter."
Mister_Judas
Don't we all? Sigh. What a cliffhanger.
Canceled TV shows hurt, okay? Speaking of which, I am still very much annoyed about Better Off Ted getting knocked off. Veronica's monologue about being a murderous fawn with a machine gun still cracks me up all these years later.
Have some shows that come to mind? Feel free to tell us more in the comments below!
Thanks to Google, many of our life's questions can be answered with the click of a button.
But in the digital information age, most of us are never really satisfied with just one definitive answer. Sometimes, there is more to learn as the revelation of one thing can lead to many more inquiries.
Say you're watching a show and one of the actors look familiar but you can't quite put a name to the face. So you IMDB the show and you are finally able to identify the actor after being distracted by the frustration of not knowing who they were.
But then you look at their long list of credits and discover other actors you didn't know were somehow associated with the previous actor in question. So you do more digging.
Such is the phenomenon of going down the proverbial rabbit hole.
Curious to hear from strangers who've gone to places they could never return from in their thirst for knowledge, Redditor mato_fako asked:
"What's a deep, dark rabbithole to research when bored?"
It turns out the list of things to learn about in life is never-ending.
Backed Up
"The 'saved' section of your reddit user profile. I've saved so much sh*t and then promptly forgot about it.. Just like I'm going to do with this thread."
– monacelli
Perfect Time Killer
"When I worked at a call Centre we often had quiet times and the internet blocked most things unusual wiki articles kept me entertained for quite some time though, it’s full of random strange things."
– slimjoel14
Growing Up In Isolation
"Feral children."
– PreviousTea9210
"I had to stop reading these accounts because it made me too sad seeing over and over that the 'rescuers' almost always killed the kids' animal families and the children pretty much never had any quality of life after."
– Not_a_werecat
Anything regarding foul play is a popular search request.
Deathwear
"Denver Lee St. Clair, 58, was asphyxiated by an 'atomic wedgie' administered by his stepson during a fight. After he had been knocked unconscious, the elastic band from his torn underwear was pulled over his head and stretched around his neck, strangling him. The stepson was sentenced to thirty years in prison."
– dean_the_machine
Financial Dealings
"Money laundering and how laundered money flows around the world. Most info is public from gov agencies like the CIA and State Department."
– TyHuffman
Unappealing Past
"The history of bananas."
– aus_in_usa
Grim subject matter is a popular research topic.
Keeping An Eye On Exit Doors
"Fire disasters. And then never feel safe in an indoor crowded space ever again."
"There's actually video on YouTube of the Great White disaster and it's utterly horrifying how incredibly quickly it happens and seeing the people literally stuck in the doorway unable to get out as they burn to death. As someone who still goes to a lot of shows at small packed music venues exactly like that one (and other totally packed bars and clubs), I'm always constantly looking for exits to find the nearest escape path and it always freaks me out anytime there's any fire in any indoor space (candles/sparklers/pyrotechnics/etc)"
– SquareVehicle
Permanent Exits
"This should give you an hour or two. List of unusual deaths."
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_unusual_deaths
– Krabbi
Fatal Domino Effect
"A poodle named Cachy, in Caballito, Buenos Aires, fell 13 floors and hit Marta Espina, 75, killing both instantly. In the course of events, Edith Solá, 46, came to see the incident, and was fatally hit by a bus. An unidentified man who witnessed her death had a heart attack and also died on his way to the hospital."
– wearentalldudes
Roadside Decapitation
'John Hutcherson, 21, drove home drunk with his friend, Francis Brohm, 23, who was hanging out the passenger window while vomiting due to carsickness. Hutcherson drove off the road and sideswiped a telephone pole support wire, decapitating Brohm. He continued the final 12 miles (19 km) to his Atlanta, Georgia, US, home, parked in the driveway, and went to bed. A neighbor found Brohm's headless body in the truck the next morning.'
– urge_kiya_hai
A Deadly Combination
"Vladimir Likhonos, 25, a student of Kyiv Polytechnic Institute from Konotop, was killed when his chewing gum exploded. Likhonos had a habit of dipping his chewing gum in citric acid to increase the gum's sour taste. On his work table police found about 100 grams (3.5 oz) of unidentified explosive powder which he used for chemistry studies. It resembled citric acid, and it is thought that he confused the two. The explosive was found to be four times stronger than TNT, and the explosion was possibly triggered either by reacting with Likhonos' saliva, or the pressure exerted by him chewing on the gum and explosive powder."
– singingkiltmygrandma
While all of this is fascinating, there are mind-boggling bits of trivia that can be great conversation starters at a party.
However, regarding some of the most disturbing and gruesome examples shared here, some people might think ignorance is bliss.